Chapter 15
The puzzle deepens
London, England
Rise from bed. Go to eat breakfast.
Oh, yeah, Lupin's a good cook.
Except he's not happy when I get down there.
"What did you tell him, Draco?"
Where the hell are my fucking eggs?
"Draco."
"Where are my eggs?"
"Make them yourself!"
Shrug. "Where are they?"
"What did you tell Siri?" A term of endearment. Aha. "Remus?" A nod.
"I told him that you loved him, and that Moony didn't. I told him he was wasting his time with you, and that if he cared at all he'd kill you. Why?"
Lupin bit his lip, trembling softly. "Because he's gone, Draco. And he left this-"
A note.
Remy-
Draco's right. It's not worth the pain. I just wanted you to know I meant it all those years ago when I claimed to love you. I just wanted to be loved back, even if it was just physical, even if it was just temporary.
But he's right- it's not worth it. Because every time you walk away, your needs satisfied but mine just barely aroused, you hurt me. Every time I smile and you turn away, it hurts. Every time I show you some slight affection and you snap at me for it, every time the passion inside me gets to be too much and I beg you to just love me back, I hurt because you deny me every little thing I ever wanted.
And he's right- I'd rather just let the dementors take my soul than watch you rip it some more.
He said you like breaking pretty things. I don't think anything was more beautiful then what we could have been.
I wish you happiness, Remy- Maybe someday you'll finally find peace with the wolf, maybe even a mate that you can love back. God knows you of all people deserve to be loved. So brave, so kind, so loving.God, you are so perfect. I want to be like you, be with you. But no, it's not that easy. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was just hoping. I don't think we really are soul mates, Remy- because as much as I needed you, as much as you completed me, it seems more like I was just so jealous of your own perfection that I felt if I couldn't be that way I wanted to at least be with someone who was. Maybe I never really loved you after all. I'm just so sick of everything gong wrong. How much different would it be if we'd never met? Would I be with someone who cared about me in the least? Would you? Would I finally be able to have the peace I so want you to have?
I think life owes me that much.
Even if that peace will never come while I'm alive.
I wish you the best, and thank you for the companionship you've given me, both as my friend all those years ago and as my lover the past few weeks. It has been worth so much to me, and I don't even know if you could know how much.
Sirius
"But.?"
"He's gone, Draco. And I'm scared."
No need to say why. Not with Remus. Not when he had loved Sirius. Not when he now felt that after all those years of being forced to let Sirius believe his love was unrequited he might have been the one with no hope at a relationship.
Not when now he was really alone. All of his friends were dead to him now, or worse. And he would be forced to live his life alone, with a creature that had hurt him in so many ways, knowing that he had just killed the one thing that would have given him a way out.
"Draco?"
Stop musing. "Yes?"
"What did he mean by lover? Did Moony and he-"
Nod. Remus buried his face in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably.
"I hate you! I hate you I hate you IhateyouIhateyouhateyouhateyou Moony! Now you've done everything. Now you've ruined everything."
Just like with my mother, I hug him, letting him cry on my shoulder.
"I-I never got the chance- God, if I could tell him now, Draco."
"He was your mate. You loved him."
"He's so selfish, Draco, he hurts me to get his own way, and now he's hurt Siri because he's jealous. I hate him so much. God, why me? Why me?"
Let the tears fall, then go. Owl had come in earlier that morning with a message from Granger to meet her at the bookstore in the London Underground.
But why did it hurt so much to see Lupin cry?
Why?
* * *
Granger was there. Frizzy haired, Mudblood Granger.
Mudblood. Why did I still use that as a curse?
Anger at myself, perhaps.
"Well, Malfoy, can you tell me why I had to come here during my summer vacation?"
"Funny, Granger, I was starting to think you lived in this bookstore." Jab with head to point it out.
"Better in the bookstore then in the broomstick store. At least there I can learn- as I recall you are still in a lower percentile than I am."
"I won't scoff at my ranking. And if you promise not to, I promise not to mock your ridiculous hair."
Granger grew a bit red.
"The truth of it is, I called you because you're in a higher percentile. Even if it is one percent. You're the top student at Hogwarts, and I'm the second. Between that, I think I can figure this out."
"I refuse to help you with your homework. I don't even help my friends."
"Sorry to disappoint, but Professor Lupin helped me finish my last essay yesterday. I'd intended on writing about griffins, but how often can you write a report on werewolves with a werewolf to help talk you through it, and even better, be the person you turn it into?"
"Professor Lupin is coming back?"
"Yes- And we'll have a new Potions teacher as well, if he doesn't kill himself first."
Granger looked confused. Laugh.
"This has nothing to do with school work. I need to know about something."
"What?" She had her damned know-it-all air about her. Oh the things I could say.
"What connection Professor Remus J. Lupin had to my mother, my father, Lord Voldemort and the deaths of Mister and Missus James and Lily Potter. I need to know exactly why Sirius Black spent twelve years in Azkaban. I need to know how it all ties back to me, because it does. But most importantly, I want to know how a Muggle movie writer knew so much about these things that even most of the Wizarding world didn't know."
"Oh?" This last bit must have really intrigued her. I could see the question- "How would you know what a Muggle movie writer knows? Have you seen a Muggle movie?"- but she asked another, just as obvious question.
"Like what?"
"Professor Lupin was-is- gay. And Sirius Black has been wanting him for some time. At first I disbelieved this, thinking it was part of the movie, but then."
"What?"
"Well, ever walk in on your parents?"
"No."
"Me neither, but I doubt it'd have been like they did."
Granger looked shocked, but stayed true to her know-it-all form, "I should certainly hope not!"
"There you have it. Reason one."
"Sirius and Professor Lupin? I don't believe it at all."
"Don't tell me- You had a crush yourself. Half the school did- Now I know why he rejected all of Pansy's love letters."
"But- It's absurd."
Pull out book two. Write in it to tell Remus it's me again, ask him how he feels about Sirius Black. Show Granger the book.
"God! I love him so much, Draco, it's hard to sleep at night knowing he's one bunk over, and that I could climb in there and show him just how much he means. He's absolutely beautiful, and he's really a great guy and he's a lot of fun. Like I've said before, I never would have dreamed of myself with another male before I meant this one, but the very second I did there could be no one else."
Granger handed it back. "Great prank, Malfoy. May I go home?"
"I have a better idea, Granger. How about I take you to a movie?"
She was startled to say the least. "It's not like you can get a date from anyone else- Except for maybe Weasley, but I don't think he can afford two movies tickets."
Scowl. Scowl back.
"Still, you can't believe this is a date. I need you to see this movie to understand why I'm so desperate for help." Take her hand. "Help me, please- You're the only one who can."
She nodded. We go.
The puzzle deepens
London, England
Rise from bed. Go to eat breakfast.
Oh, yeah, Lupin's a good cook.
Except he's not happy when I get down there.
"What did you tell him, Draco?"
Where the hell are my fucking eggs?
"Draco."
"Where are my eggs?"
"Make them yourself!"
Shrug. "Where are they?"
"What did you tell Siri?" A term of endearment. Aha. "Remus?" A nod.
"I told him that you loved him, and that Moony didn't. I told him he was wasting his time with you, and that if he cared at all he'd kill you. Why?"
Lupin bit his lip, trembling softly. "Because he's gone, Draco. And he left this-"
A note.
Remy-
Draco's right. It's not worth the pain. I just wanted you to know I meant it all those years ago when I claimed to love you. I just wanted to be loved back, even if it was just physical, even if it was just temporary.
But he's right- it's not worth it. Because every time you walk away, your needs satisfied but mine just barely aroused, you hurt me. Every time I smile and you turn away, it hurts. Every time I show you some slight affection and you snap at me for it, every time the passion inside me gets to be too much and I beg you to just love me back, I hurt because you deny me every little thing I ever wanted.
And he's right- I'd rather just let the dementors take my soul than watch you rip it some more.
He said you like breaking pretty things. I don't think anything was more beautiful then what we could have been.
I wish you happiness, Remy- Maybe someday you'll finally find peace with the wolf, maybe even a mate that you can love back. God knows you of all people deserve to be loved. So brave, so kind, so loving.God, you are so perfect. I want to be like you, be with you. But no, it's not that easy. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was just hoping. I don't think we really are soul mates, Remy- because as much as I needed you, as much as you completed me, it seems more like I was just so jealous of your own perfection that I felt if I couldn't be that way I wanted to at least be with someone who was. Maybe I never really loved you after all. I'm just so sick of everything gong wrong. How much different would it be if we'd never met? Would I be with someone who cared about me in the least? Would you? Would I finally be able to have the peace I so want you to have?
I think life owes me that much.
Even if that peace will never come while I'm alive.
I wish you the best, and thank you for the companionship you've given me, both as my friend all those years ago and as my lover the past few weeks. It has been worth so much to me, and I don't even know if you could know how much.
Sirius
"But.?"
"He's gone, Draco. And I'm scared."
No need to say why. Not with Remus. Not when he had loved Sirius. Not when he now felt that after all those years of being forced to let Sirius believe his love was unrequited he might have been the one with no hope at a relationship.
Not when now he was really alone. All of his friends were dead to him now, or worse. And he would be forced to live his life alone, with a creature that had hurt him in so many ways, knowing that he had just killed the one thing that would have given him a way out.
"Draco?"
Stop musing. "Yes?"
"What did he mean by lover? Did Moony and he-"
Nod. Remus buried his face in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably.
"I hate you! I hate you I hate you IhateyouIhateyouhateyouhateyou Moony! Now you've done everything. Now you've ruined everything."
Just like with my mother, I hug him, letting him cry on my shoulder.
"I-I never got the chance- God, if I could tell him now, Draco."
"He was your mate. You loved him."
"He's so selfish, Draco, he hurts me to get his own way, and now he's hurt Siri because he's jealous. I hate him so much. God, why me? Why me?"
Let the tears fall, then go. Owl had come in earlier that morning with a message from Granger to meet her at the bookstore in the London Underground.
But why did it hurt so much to see Lupin cry?
Why?
* * *
Granger was there. Frizzy haired, Mudblood Granger.
Mudblood. Why did I still use that as a curse?
Anger at myself, perhaps.
"Well, Malfoy, can you tell me why I had to come here during my summer vacation?"
"Funny, Granger, I was starting to think you lived in this bookstore." Jab with head to point it out.
"Better in the bookstore then in the broomstick store. At least there I can learn- as I recall you are still in a lower percentile than I am."
"I won't scoff at my ranking. And if you promise not to, I promise not to mock your ridiculous hair."
Granger grew a bit red.
"The truth of it is, I called you because you're in a higher percentile. Even if it is one percent. You're the top student at Hogwarts, and I'm the second. Between that, I think I can figure this out."
"I refuse to help you with your homework. I don't even help my friends."
"Sorry to disappoint, but Professor Lupin helped me finish my last essay yesterday. I'd intended on writing about griffins, but how often can you write a report on werewolves with a werewolf to help talk you through it, and even better, be the person you turn it into?"
"Professor Lupin is coming back?"
"Yes- And we'll have a new Potions teacher as well, if he doesn't kill himself first."
Granger looked confused. Laugh.
"This has nothing to do with school work. I need to know about something."
"What?" She had her damned know-it-all air about her. Oh the things I could say.
"What connection Professor Remus J. Lupin had to my mother, my father, Lord Voldemort and the deaths of Mister and Missus James and Lily Potter. I need to know exactly why Sirius Black spent twelve years in Azkaban. I need to know how it all ties back to me, because it does. But most importantly, I want to know how a Muggle movie writer knew so much about these things that even most of the Wizarding world didn't know."
"Oh?" This last bit must have really intrigued her. I could see the question- "How would you know what a Muggle movie writer knows? Have you seen a Muggle movie?"- but she asked another, just as obvious question.
"Like what?"
"Professor Lupin was-is- gay. And Sirius Black has been wanting him for some time. At first I disbelieved this, thinking it was part of the movie, but then."
"What?"
"Well, ever walk in on your parents?"
"No."
"Me neither, but I doubt it'd have been like they did."
Granger looked shocked, but stayed true to her know-it-all form, "I should certainly hope not!"
"There you have it. Reason one."
"Sirius and Professor Lupin? I don't believe it at all."
"Don't tell me- You had a crush yourself. Half the school did- Now I know why he rejected all of Pansy's love letters."
"But- It's absurd."
Pull out book two. Write in it to tell Remus it's me again, ask him how he feels about Sirius Black. Show Granger the book.
"God! I love him so much, Draco, it's hard to sleep at night knowing he's one bunk over, and that I could climb in there and show him just how much he means. He's absolutely beautiful, and he's really a great guy and he's a lot of fun. Like I've said before, I never would have dreamed of myself with another male before I meant this one, but the very second I did there could be no one else."
Granger handed it back. "Great prank, Malfoy. May I go home?"
"I have a better idea, Granger. How about I take you to a movie?"
She was startled to say the least. "It's not like you can get a date from anyone else- Except for maybe Weasley, but I don't think he can afford two movies tickets."
Scowl. Scowl back.
"Still, you can't believe this is a date. I need you to see this movie to understand why I'm so desperate for help." Take her hand. "Help me, please- You're the only one who can."
She nodded. We go.