Title: Miss Congeniality
Summary: A/U.based on the movie, well, Miss Congeniality. Buffy Summers is a no-nonsense FBI agent, who is given the assignment to go undercover at the Miss America pageant.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine.don't sue.
Pairing: Spuffy...as always.
~
"Alright, gang. Here it is." Riley grimaced, as he handed out copies of the citizen letter...which was written as random sentences, spaced out, seemingly having no meaning, except for the sentence reading that * something * was gonna be blown up.
"Now, we had a crack team on this right now, but frankly, they're stumped. So, Raleigh!" Spike jumped up from his comically drawn portrait of Riley (protruding brow and all).
"Yes, sir?" He hoped his voice hadn't cracked. However, from the laugh that was playing on Summers' face, he knew it had.
"I'm putting you in charge of this operation. Get a group of men together and start immediately. Meeting's over. Go back to work." Riley waved them on. Spike sat there slack-jawed before Xander nudged him.
"Oh! Sir! Finn!" Spike yelled, rushing over, "Why? I mean..." He searched his employers face, looking for something.
"Because you've wanted one for years and last night, you earned it." Riley said, clamping Spike's shoulder, harder than a friendly clamp. Spike knew that Riley wanted him gone, and Riley knew that Spike knew. It was a mutual, unspoken hate. But that didn't stop them from being respectful to each other in the office and it didn't stop Riley from treating Spike fairly. Spike was good. He knew it. Spike knew it too. It was most likely Raleigh's greatest downfall...his cockiness.
"Good luck." Riley said cheerfully, "You're gonna need it." He muttered under his breath.
"Hate that bloke." Spike said, turning to Xander and Buffy.
"Why? He just put you in charge of an op. I'd kill for that." Buffy replied, looking wistful.
"Well, ya blew any chance of that last night." Spike snapped, but then sighed, "Look, Summers, I'm sorry. But just because he gives me a job to do doesn't mean I have to bloody well * like * him, does it?"
"No one * likes * Riley." Xander commented, "That goes without saying. I mean, he looks like the Incredible Hulk, has, like, ten goldfish all named Harry, and listens to Yanni." Buffy chuckled at this and yawned.
"Time to go back to the abyss...dreaded paperwork." She said with an eye roll, walking away from her colleagues. She sat down at her desk and took out some case files. However, the citizen letter, sitting on her desk was taunting her. Looking back and forth to check for Riley, she grabbed it and read it over again. And again. And again.
"Dammit..." She whispered, a feeling of frustration overtaking her. She needed to get out, to clear her head, if she wanted to understand this in even the slightest way.
~
"Gimme a pint, Ike." Buffy said, slapping her hand down on the bar counter. Ike, the bartender, looked down at his watch.
"At 2:30? Are you sure?"
"Oh, yeah." Sighing, Ike reached into the mini-fridge and handed her a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food.
"Ooh! Yeah! Chocolately goodness..." Buffy laughed as she pulled out two, tiny fish shaped pieces of chocolate, "Now I get the name! Hello, Mr. Fishy!" She pointed their heads towards one another and proceeded to have them talk to one another.
"Oh! I love you! No, I love you more! Muah! Muah!" She banged them together and made them kiss each other, "Hey! What's that? It's a giant coming to eat us!!" Buffy threw them into her mouth, "Haha! I am pure evil!" She froze, though, when she heard a deep cough from behind her. She spun around sheepishly and gave Spike a little, embarrassed wave, who replied with his customary eyebrow raise.
"Summers, are you on drugs?"
"More like under stress." She said, patting the seat next to her.
"Brewsky, thanks." Buffy looked over Spike's shoulder to see a bubbly, dumb- blonde sexppot, "What would you like, luv?" Spike asked the woman.
"Cosmopolitan, please." Spike turned back to Ike.
"You heard the woman. Oh, Summers, forgive me. This is Harmony, an intern. She's very interested in women in the FBI, which is what you are...in a technical sense anyway." Buffy glared at him for a moment and then stuck her hand out to Harmony, who promptly ignored her.
"Wow...so, is this, like, where most of the agents hangout during their down time?" She asked, her coy, flighty voice pricking Buffy's nerves.
"A lot do, yeah. 'Cept for the ones who think they're too good for us all." Spike said, thinking pointedly of his boss.
"So." Harmony said tersely, "You're, like, a woman agent. Is that your uniform?" Buffy looked down at her crumpled suit and shrugged.
"We have a dress code, not a "uniform" per say."
"Right. So, is it part of the dress code to wear those really masculine shoes?" Harmony asked, her voice lacking in any malice. Spike hid a laugh through a forced cough. Buffy slowly rolled her tongue over her teeth and looked down at her shoes.
"Oh, no. They're from my own collection." Buffy said, her voice not exactly lacking in malice.
"Right..." Harmony said, losing interest immediately, "Spikey's been so nice showing me around. We're meeting for a dinner tonight in order to discuss my future career goals." Harmony said, feeling proud of herself, "He, like, totally takes me seriously."
"I'll bet he does." She said, casting a lingering glare at Spike, who made a smart-assed "What?" face, "I'm sure I'll see you sometime in the near future around the office. And I'll definitely see * you * tomorrow." She added, looking at Spike, who gave her a wave. She clumped her way out of the bar and stepped into the sunlight. She had to get back to work. Back to my *paper* work. She thought with an inward moan. Poop.
~
The next day, Buffy was thrilled. She raced into the office, screaming for Spike.
"Spike! Spike! I've got it! I've got it!" He gave her the eyebrow raise when she threw her copy of the citizen letter his way, which was covered in notes, "It took me so long to figure it out, but I've got it!"
"Summers..." Spike started.
"No, no. Let me finish. All of these words stand for the states, right?"
"Summers, it's the Miss United-" Spike began, but was quickly cut off again by an unfocused Buffy.
"And if they stand for the states, I thought it was Congress at first, but then all of these words are scrambled adjectives that are synonyms for beauty..."
"Summers, it's the page-"
"...and the Alamo is mentioned, and after research I figured it out! It's the Miss United States Pageant!" She exclaimed, feeling triumphant. In your face, Foreigner!
"Thank you, Summers." Spike replied, barely concealing the sarcasm in his voice, "Now that information has been * repeated *, let's get to work, men." Spike looked back and forth between his crew: Xander Harris, Daniel "Oz" Osbourne, Graham Miller, and Forrest Gates. Nodding, he pointed them to their station, which happened to ride up right against Buffy's cubicle.
"What the hell are you doing? Your cubicle is on the * second * floor." Buffy said, flipping around, annoyed.
"Yeah, but if I can't enjoy the pleasure of rubbing my successes in your face, what's the point?" Spike replied with a smirk.
"Jackass."
"Bitch."
"Witness the maturity, ladies and gentlemen." Xander announced, extending his hand in Buffy and Spike's direction.
"Right, then. What we need is a way to protect the girls."
"How many languages can you say 'Duh' in?" Xander asked to no one in particular.
"Five, I think." Oz deadpanned.
"Do I have to remind you that I'm now your superior?" Spike asked, folding his arms.
"Sorry, * boss *." Xander said, nudging Oz secretly. Graham cleared his throat.
"Maybe we need a mole." Buffy shook her head.
"You're not infiltrating Iraqi headquarters, Miller. What you guys need is cooperation from the pageant officials." She said, looking at Spike.
"Yeah! Yeah! Cooperation, that's what we need. Write that down!" He barked to Forrest.
"You might also want to do some backup research so you can fully understand the way the pageant works."
"Yup, research, gotta have that, too." He nodded to Forrest who scribbled it down.
"And maybe you'd want to send someone in undercover. As a contestant, so there's an easier way to keep the girls safe." She said, giving her final suggestion.
"We need to send someone in undercover. And I've got just the girl..."
~
Spike typed a few keywords into the FBI database and leaned back, allowing the men surrounding him to ogle the gorgeous brunette he had pulled up.
"DAMN!" Xander exclaimed, "She works here?"
"Sure does." Spike replied, laughing lightly. He knew his keen sense of noticing beautiful women would pay off someday...
"Houston," Buffy said, pointing at her miscellaneous info, "We have a problem."
"What is it with you and NASA quotes?" Spike asked, genuinely curious.
"Just read." So, Spike read.
"Enjoys bubble-baths. You're right. She's too hardcore for this job. Better find someone else."
"Farther than that, dork." She said, pointing to "Current Status."
"Maternity leave..." Spike read, shutting his eyes dramatically, "Fuck."
"Looks like she's not gonna be competing in any pageants...not unless it was the Miss Lamaze Pageant." Buffy said with a squeak, a laugh, and a hearty snort, "Get it? The Miss Lamaze Pageant..." She cleared her throat and sat back down.
"Great. Now who in the bloody hell are we gonna get to be a contestant in this damn thing?"
"We could always recruit Riley..." Oz said, in his usual deadpan manner, "He's somewhat womanly."
Spike considered this for a moment, but then shook his head.
"Nah, his arms are too big. Who else we got?"
"That new intern was pretty hot." Graham commented.
"Hello? Keyword there is 'intern.'" Buffy reminded them, "There's no way she's ready for an assignment this big."
"She's right." Spike agreed reluctantly, "We'll have to search the databases."
Search.For: Agents + 24-26 + female + Undercover Experience
Three Agents came up.
"Let's see who we got...Summers, yeah right, umm...Charlotte Knafo. That's a possibility. And Maternity Leave."
"Click on Knafo." Forrest suggested. They all took a look at the woman.
"Here." Oz said, leaning over, "I got this." He went online and went to the "Dress up Barbie" site, "My niece does this all the time." Moving his fingers swiftly along the keyboard, he was able to upload one of Barbie's bathing suits, and put it on Knafo.
The results were average, but nothing too thrilling.
"Looks like she's the best we got" Xander said, nodding.
"We'll need some extra fixing from the judges if we want her to win, though." Graham commented, feeling a little sick. People were not going to buy into this girl.
"Hey, just for curiosity's sake..." Forrest said, clicking on Buffy's name.
"Oh, come on!" Buffy yelled, trying to stop them by grabbing the mouse, which was, unfortunately, intercepted by Oz.
"Upload." Oz said, with an apologetic look to Buffy.
"Come on, Summers. It's research." Spike said, trying to hide a laugh. This should be good...
What Spike didn't expect was exactly how good it would be. It would be an understatement to say he was taken aback when he saw Summers in a bathing suit. Her legs were long, trim, and naturally tanned, her waist thin and slender. Her breasts, well...he couldn't even begin to comment on those. Besides, it was still Summers they were looking at. He had a certain standard to uphold. But those legs...
"Alright, you guys have had your fun, now click out of it."
"Now wait just a second, mate. This isn't bad." Spike said, motioning to the screen, pretending to be completely unaffected. Did someone turn on the bloody heat or something?
"Yeah, well, take a good, long look at it cuz that's the last time any of you will ever see that, okay?" Despite the protests of the agents surrounding her, Buffy closed out of the database.
"Summers!" Buffy turned around and faced Riley, who was yelling (again) "Aren't you supposed to be doing work, right now?"
"I'm taking my lunch break, sir." She lied fluidly.
"Well, it's over now. Move it. Hello, Raleigh." Riley nodded in acknowledgment to Spike.
"Deushbag." Spike muttered.
"What?" Riley spun around.
"I coughed." Spike said with a bright smile. He "coughed" again, this time a cough that sounded suspiciously like "Jerk-off". Riley eyed him suspiciously, but accepted his story and moved on.
"Idiot." Spike laughed to Xander.
"Treading on thin ice, my man. Thin ice." Xander replied, shaking his head. He admired Spike's fearlessness, even if most of his risks were unreasonable. Spike sighed.
"I should probably follow him, though."
"Why?" Xander asked, perplexed.
"Gotta talk to him about a certain girl." Spike nodded in Buffy's direction, just imagining her reaction when he told her what her newest assignment was going to be.
This is going be * neat *...
~
Summary: A/U.based on the movie, well, Miss Congeniality. Buffy Summers is a no-nonsense FBI agent, who is given the assignment to go undercover at the Miss America pageant.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine.don't sue.
Pairing: Spuffy...as always.
~
"Alright, gang. Here it is." Riley grimaced, as he handed out copies of the citizen letter...which was written as random sentences, spaced out, seemingly having no meaning, except for the sentence reading that * something * was gonna be blown up.
"Now, we had a crack team on this right now, but frankly, they're stumped. So, Raleigh!" Spike jumped up from his comically drawn portrait of Riley (protruding brow and all).
"Yes, sir?" He hoped his voice hadn't cracked. However, from the laugh that was playing on Summers' face, he knew it had.
"I'm putting you in charge of this operation. Get a group of men together and start immediately. Meeting's over. Go back to work." Riley waved them on. Spike sat there slack-jawed before Xander nudged him.
"Oh! Sir! Finn!" Spike yelled, rushing over, "Why? I mean..." He searched his employers face, looking for something.
"Because you've wanted one for years and last night, you earned it." Riley said, clamping Spike's shoulder, harder than a friendly clamp. Spike knew that Riley wanted him gone, and Riley knew that Spike knew. It was a mutual, unspoken hate. But that didn't stop them from being respectful to each other in the office and it didn't stop Riley from treating Spike fairly. Spike was good. He knew it. Spike knew it too. It was most likely Raleigh's greatest downfall...his cockiness.
"Good luck." Riley said cheerfully, "You're gonna need it." He muttered under his breath.
"Hate that bloke." Spike said, turning to Xander and Buffy.
"Why? He just put you in charge of an op. I'd kill for that." Buffy replied, looking wistful.
"Well, ya blew any chance of that last night." Spike snapped, but then sighed, "Look, Summers, I'm sorry. But just because he gives me a job to do doesn't mean I have to bloody well * like * him, does it?"
"No one * likes * Riley." Xander commented, "That goes without saying. I mean, he looks like the Incredible Hulk, has, like, ten goldfish all named Harry, and listens to Yanni." Buffy chuckled at this and yawned.
"Time to go back to the abyss...dreaded paperwork." She said with an eye roll, walking away from her colleagues. She sat down at her desk and took out some case files. However, the citizen letter, sitting on her desk was taunting her. Looking back and forth to check for Riley, she grabbed it and read it over again. And again. And again.
"Dammit..." She whispered, a feeling of frustration overtaking her. She needed to get out, to clear her head, if she wanted to understand this in even the slightest way.
~
"Gimme a pint, Ike." Buffy said, slapping her hand down on the bar counter. Ike, the bartender, looked down at his watch.
"At 2:30? Are you sure?"
"Oh, yeah." Sighing, Ike reached into the mini-fridge and handed her a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food.
"Ooh! Yeah! Chocolately goodness..." Buffy laughed as she pulled out two, tiny fish shaped pieces of chocolate, "Now I get the name! Hello, Mr. Fishy!" She pointed their heads towards one another and proceeded to have them talk to one another.
"Oh! I love you! No, I love you more! Muah! Muah!" She banged them together and made them kiss each other, "Hey! What's that? It's a giant coming to eat us!!" Buffy threw them into her mouth, "Haha! I am pure evil!" She froze, though, when she heard a deep cough from behind her. She spun around sheepishly and gave Spike a little, embarrassed wave, who replied with his customary eyebrow raise.
"Summers, are you on drugs?"
"More like under stress." She said, patting the seat next to her.
"Brewsky, thanks." Buffy looked over Spike's shoulder to see a bubbly, dumb- blonde sexppot, "What would you like, luv?" Spike asked the woman.
"Cosmopolitan, please." Spike turned back to Ike.
"You heard the woman. Oh, Summers, forgive me. This is Harmony, an intern. She's very interested in women in the FBI, which is what you are...in a technical sense anyway." Buffy glared at him for a moment and then stuck her hand out to Harmony, who promptly ignored her.
"Wow...so, is this, like, where most of the agents hangout during their down time?" She asked, her coy, flighty voice pricking Buffy's nerves.
"A lot do, yeah. 'Cept for the ones who think they're too good for us all." Spike said, thinking pointedly of his boss.
"So." Harmony said tersely, "You're, like, a woman agent. Is that your uniform?" Buffy looked down at her crumpled suit and shrugged.
"We have a dress code, not a "uniform" per say."
"Right. So, is it part of the dress code to wear those really masculine shoes?" Harmony asked, her voice lacking in any malice. Spike hid a laugh through a forced cough. Buffy slowly rolled her tongue over her teeth and looked down at her shoes.
"Oh, no. They're from my own collection." Buffy said, her voice not exactly lacking in malice.
"Right..." Harmony said, losing interest immediately, "Spikey's been so nice showing me around. We're meeting for a dinner tonight in order to discuss my future career goals." Harmony said, feeling proud of herself, "He, like, totally takes me seriously."
"I'll bet he does." She said, casting a lingering glare at Spike, who made a smart-assed "What?" face, "I'm sure I'll see you sometime in the near future around the office. And I'll definitely see * you * tomorrow." She added, looking at Spike, who gave her a wave. She clumped her way out of the bar and stepped into the sunlight. She had to get back to work. Back to my *paper* work. She thought with an inward moan. Poop.
~
The next day, Buffy was thrilled. She raced into the office, screaming for Spike.
"Spike! Spike! I've got it! I've got it!" He gave her the eyebrow raise when she threw her copy of the citizen letter his way, which was covered in notes, "It took me so long to figure it out, but I've got it!"
"Summers..." Spike started.
"No, no. Let me finish. All of these words stand for the states, right?"
"Summers, it's the Miss United-" Spike began, but was quickly cut off again by an unfocused Buffy.
"And if they stand for the states, I thought it was Congress at first, but then all of these words are scrambled adjectives that are synonyms for beauty..."
"Summers, it's the page-"
"...and the Alamo is mentioned, and after research I figured it out! It's the Miss United States Pageant!" She exclaimed, feeling triumphant. In your face, Foreigner!
"Thank you, Summers." Spike replied, barely concealing the sarcasm in his voice, "Now that information has been * repeated *, let's get to work, men." Spike looked back and forth between his crew: Xander Harris, Daniel "Oz" Osbourne, Graham Miller, and Forrest Gates. Nodding, he pointed them to their station, which happened to ride up right against Buffy's cubicle.
"What the hell are you doing? Your cubicle is on the * second * floor." Buffy said, flipping around, annoyed.
"Yeah, but if I can't enjoy the pleasure of rubbing my successes in your face, what's the point?" Spike replied with a smirk.
"Jackass."
"Bitch."
"Witness the maturity, ladies and gentlemen." Xander announced, extending his hand in Buffy and Spike's direction.
"Right, then. What we need is a way to protect the girls."
"How many languages can you say 'Duh' in?" Xander asked to no one in particular.
"Five, I think." Oz deadpanned.
"Do I have to remind you that I'm now your superior?" Spike asked, folding his arms.
"Sorry, * boss *." Xander said, nudging Oz secretly. Graham cleared his throat.
"Maybe we need a mole." Buffy shook her head.
"You're not infiltrating Iraqi headquarters, Miller. What you guys need is cooperation from the pageant officials." She said, looking at Spike.
"Yeah! Yeah! Cooperation, that's what we need. Write that down!" He barked to Forrest.
"You might also want to do some backup research so you can fully understand the way the pageant works."
"Yup, research, gotta have that, too." He nodded to Forrest who scribbled it down.
"And maybe you'd want to send someone in undercover. As a contestant, so there's an easier way to keep the girls safe." She said, giving her final suggestion.
"We need to send someone in undercover. And I've got just the girl..."
~
Spike typed a few keywords into the FBI database and leaned back, allowing the men surrounding him to ogle the gorgeous brunette he had pulled up.
"DAMN!" Xander exclaimed, "She works here?"
"Sure does." Spike replied, laughing lightly. He knew his keen sense of noticing beautiful women would pay off someday...
"Houston," Buffy said, pointing at her miscellaneous info, "We have a problem."
"What is it with you and NASA quotes?" Spike asked, genuinely curious.
"Just read." So, Spike read.
"Enjoys bubble-baths. You're right. She's too hardcore for this job. Better find someone else."
"Farther than that, dork." She said, pointing to "Current Status."
"Maternity leave..." Spike read, shutting his eyes dramatically, "Fuck."
"Looks like she's not gonna be competing in any pageants...not unless it was the Miss Lamaze Pageant." Buffy said with a squeak, a laugh, and a hearty snort, "Get it? The Miss Lamaze Pageant..." She cleared her throat and sat back down.
"Great. Now who in the bloody hell are we gonna get to be a contestant in this damn thing?"
"We could always recruit Riley..." Oz said, in his usual deadpan manner, "He's somewhat womanly."
Spike considered this for a moment, but then shook his head.
"Nah, his arms are too big. Who else we got?"
"That new intern was pretty hot." Graham commented.
"Hello? Keyword there is 'intern.'" Buffy reminded them, "There's no way she's ready for an assignment this big."
"She's right." Spike agreed reluctantly, "We'll have to search the databases."
Search.For: Agents + 24-26 + female + Undercover Experience
Three Agents came up.
"Let's see who we got...Summers, yeah right, umm...Charlotte Knafo. That's a possibility. And Maternity Leave."
"Click on Knafo." Forrest suggested. They all took a look at the woman.
"Here." Oz said, leaning over, "I got this." He went online and went to the "Dress up Barbie" site, "My niece does this all the time." Moving his fingers swiftly along the keyboard, he was able to upload one of Barbie's bathing suits, and put it on Knafo.
The results were average, but nothing too thrilling.
"Looks like she's the best we got" Xander said, nodding.
"We'll need some extra fixing from the judges if we want her to win, though." Graham commented, feeling a little sick. People were not going to buy into this girl.
"Hey, just for curiosity's sake..." Forrest said, clicking on Buffy's name.
"Oh, come on!" Buffy yelled, trying to stop them by grabbing the mouse, which was, unfortunately, intercepted by Oz.
"Upload." Oz said, with an apologetic look to Buffy.
"Come on, Summers. It's research." Spike said, trying to hide a laugh. This should be good...
What Spike didn't expect was exactly how good it would be. It would be an understatement to say he was taken aback when he saw Summers in a bathing suit. Her legs were long, trim, and naturally tanned, her waist thin and slender. Her breasts, well...he couldn't even begin to comment on those. Besides, it was still Summers they were looking at. He had a certain standard to uphold. But those legs...
"Alright, you guys have had your fun, now click out of it."
"Now wait just a second, mate. This isn't bad." Spike said, motioning to the screen, pretending to be completely unaffected. Did someone turn on the bloody heat or something?
"Yeah, well, take a good, long look at it cuz that's the last time any of you will ever see that, okay?" Despite the protests of the agents surrounding her, Buffy closed out of the database.
"Summers!" Buffy turned around and faced Riley, who was yelling (again) "Aren't you supposed to be doing work, right now?"
"I'm taking my lunch break, sir." She lied fluidly.
"Well, it's over now. Move it. Hello, Raleigh." Riley nodded in acknowledgment to Spike.
"Deushbag." Spike muttered.
"What?" Riley spun around.
"I coughed." Spike said with a bright smile. He "coughed" again, this time a cough that sounded suspiciously like "Jerk-off". Riley eyed him suspiciously, but accepted his story and moved on.
"Idiot." Spike laughed to Xander.
"Treading on thin ice, my man. Thin ice." Xander replied, shaking his head. He admired Spike's fearlessness, even if most of his risks were unreasonable. Spike sighed.
"I should probably follow him, though."
"Why?" Xander asked, perplexed.
"Gotta talk to him about a certain girl." Spike nodded in Buffy's direction, just imagining her reaction when he told her what her newest assignment was going to be.
This is going be * neat *...
~