TWO
* * *
Hotel first. Chandler had thought about home, about staying home where Sid and Mom were, but that would just mean all sorts of other things and he didn't need that. This trip wasn't about them, after all. And Mom never stood up to Dad anyway, just let him be the bastard he was, so what do I owe her?
He got his room, went up and sat down on the bed. It was late afternoon and he hadn't eaten since breakfast, but he didn't feel hungry.
What do I feel?
He thought of Roxanne suddenly, not knowing why. What was it about her, anyway? Attractive, yes, but neurotic as hell. But she had been there, too, when he had gone to her house and just sat. She had been there and she had held him and he had cried for a little while. He had never seen her cry, he realized. She's tough, a tough cop. There were stories about Roxanne, stories that got around Glenoak, about how she liked to be a little rough on the job. He'd heard that she once slammed Robbie Palmer against a wall because he wouldn't ask her out on a date. Tough and a bit mean, Roxanne.
Why am I drawn to her, then?
Chandler sighed. It was like so many things. He didn't know. He was a man of God, and he didn't know anything. Weren't ministers, clergymen, supposed to have some divine insight? Camden sure thinks he knows everything.
God, what an asshole.
He gave you this ticket.
I rest my case.
Maybe I could get Roxanne to slam him up against a wall.
Chandler chuckled. He knew better than that. He was an ass, yes, Camden was, but he was an ass with power. He and Michaels from the police force were close, real close. One call and he could get Roxanne cut from the force; her partner, that jealous idiot Kinkirk, even lived in his house.
Kinkirk. That man was a loose cannon. There in the church, when he had caught Chandler with Lucy, Chandler had honestly thought the man was going to kill him, probably her too. Scary.
Maybe I don't go back, Chandler thought.
No. As bad as it is in Glenoak, it's worse here. And dammit ....
Roxanne.
He saw it then.
Dammit.
Why he was falling in love with Roxanne.
#
She was rough, Roxanne was. Despite how she had started to do her hair to make it more feminine, despite how she was wearing more makeup now, was clearly trying to be prettier, softer, he could still see it. She was rough and tough and there was always that part of her that was a little bit dangerous, that you'd better listen to or it would be you who she body slammed.
Who could love that in anyone?
But I do.
Because she isn't Mom.
Mom. Always giving in, always letting Dad do what he wanted. He never even had to raise his voice to her. Just an order, a curt command. And that was safety, too, because when you were young you knew that there was order in the universe, that there was no problem that couldn't be solved by Dad, and it was just so easy and so comfortable to let him decide everything, to never speak up for yourself.
Even when he was so wrong.
What about when Roxanne's wrong?
Roxanne. She's everything. A woman, because you need a woman. Every man needs a woman. But she's more than that, too.
She's Dad, just like Dad. She's a Dad you can marry.
#
He reached over, grabbed the phone, dialed from memory. One ring, another. Someone picked up.
"Hello?"
"Sid."
"Yeah. Chandler? That you?"
"Yeah."
A pause. "What's new?"
"Not much. I'm in town."
Another pause, this one becoming a moment of silence. Finally Sid's voice again. "You going to see Dad?"
"Haven't decided."
"Hope you do, man. He's going fast. Mom's at the hospital now. You just caught me; I was about to head over there myself."
Chandler said nothing, nodded as he remembered that Sid couldn't see him do it. "I'll think about it. How's Mom?"
"It's hard, you know? You know she worships --"
Silence.
"I know," Chandler said then.
"Chandler, you know it was hard for her too. You know she wanted to get out and work, but he never let her."
"I know. Someone needed to kick his ass a long time ago."
"Yeah. I guess God finally did it for us. Where are you?"
"Midtown hotel."
"I'll tell Mom."
"No. Don't tell anyone."
Sid said nothing.
"I mean it, Sid."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure."
"All right. But really, man, come down. There's not much time. I'm glad you're in town. Can we get together? Just you and me? I won't tell Mom anything."
"Sounds good. I'll call you."
"Later, man. I gotta go. Mom's expecting me."
"I understand."
#
Chandler hung up the phone, lay back on the stiff hotel bed. Then his fisted hand slammed hard into the pillow beside him.
Goddammit dammit.
* * *
Hotel first. Chandler had thought about home, about staying home where Sid and Mom were, but that would just mean all sorts of other things and he didn't need that. This trip wasn't about them, after all. And Mom never stood up to Dad anyway, just let him be the bastard he was, so what do I owe her?
He got his room, went up and sat down on the bed. It was late afternoon and he hadn't eaten since breakfast, but he didn't feel hungry.
What do I feel?
He thought of Roxanne suddenly, not knowing why. What was it about her, anyway? Attractive, yes, but neurotic as hell. But she had been there, too, when he had gone to her house and just sat. She had been there and she had held him and he had cried for a little while. He had never seen her cry, he realized. She's tough, a tough cop. There were stories about Roxanne, stories that got around Glenoak, about how she liked to be a little rough on the job. He'd heard that she once slammed Robbie Palmer against a wall because he wouldn't ask her out on a date. Tough and a bit mean, Roxanne.
Why am I drawn to her, then?
Chandler sighed. It was like so many things. He didn't know. He was a man of God, and he didn't know anything. Weren't ministers, clergymen, supposed to have some divine insight? Camden sure thinks he knows everything.
God, what an asshole.
He gave you this ticket.
I rest my case.
Maybe I could get Roxanne to slam him up against a wall.
Chandler chuckled. He knew better than that. He was an ass, yes, Camden was, but he was an ass with power. He and Michaels from the police force were close, real close. One call and he could get Roxanne cut from the force; her partner, that jealous idiot Kinkirk, even lived in his house.
Kinkirk. That man was a loose cannon. There in the church, when he had caught Chandler with Lucy, Chandler had honestly thought the man was going to kill him, probably her too. Scary.
Maybe I don't go back, Chandler thought.
No. As bad as it is in Glenoak, it's worse here. And dammit ....
Roxanne.
He saw it then.
Dammit.
Why he was falling in love with Roxanne.
#
She was rough, Roxanne was. Despite how she had started to do her hair to make it more feminine, despite how she was wearing more makeup now, was clearly trying to be prettier, softer, he could still see it. She was rough and tough and there was always that part of her that was a little bit dangerous, that you'd better listen to or it would be you who she body slammed.
Who could love that in anyone?
But I do.
Because she isn't Mom.
Mom. Always giving in, always letting Dad do what he wanted. He never even had to raise his voice to her. Just an order, a curt command. And that was safety, too, because when you were young you knew that there was order in the universe, that there was no problem that couldn't be solved by Dad, and it was just so easy and so comfortable to let him decide everything, to never speak up for yourself.
Even when he was so wrong.
What about when Roxanne's wrong?
Roxanne. She's everything. A woman, because you need a woman. Every man needs a woman. But she's more than that, too.
She's Dad, just like Dad. She's a Dad you can marry.
#
He reached over, grabbed the phone, dialed from memory. One ring, another. Someone picked up.
"Hello?"
"Sid."
"Yeah. Chandler? That you?"
"Yeah."
A pause. "What's new?"
"Not much. I'm in town."
Another pause, this one becoming a moment of silence. Finally Sid's voice again. "You going to see Dad?"
"Haven't decided."
"Hope you do, man. He's going fast. Mom's at the hospital now. You just caught me; I was about to head over there myself."
Chandler said nothing, nodded as he remembered that Sid couldn't see him do it. "I'll think about it. How's Mom?"
"It's hard, you know? You know she worships --"
Silence.
"I know," Chandler said then.
"Chandler, you know it was hard for her too. You know she wanted to get out and work, but he never let her."
"I know. Someone needed to kick his ass a long time ago."
"Yeah. I guess God finally did it for us. Where are you?"
"Midtown hotel."
"I'll tell Mom."
"No. Don't tell anyone."
Sid said nothing.
"I mean it, Sid."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure."
"All right. But really, man, come down. There's not much time. I'm glad you're in town. Can we get together? Just you and me? I won't tell Mom anything."
"Sounds good. I'll call you."
"Later, man. I gotta go. Mom's expecting me."
"I understand."
#
Chandler hung up the phone, lay back on the stiff hotel bed. Then his fisted hand slammed hard into the pillow beside him.
Goddammit dammit.