Phantom Pains
Author: JimboS
E-mail: RaistlinM1@aol.com
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters used in this story only the plot is mine, and even that is pretty basic.
Author's note: Takes place after Normal Again in season 6. I'm not sure if I'm going to use some of season 6 plot in the rest, I really didn't care for the season in general.
Author's Note 2: I want to thank Ray for helping me so much with this chapter. Anyone who hasn't read his stuff should. http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=79383.
Author's Note 3: I also want to thank everyone who has reviewed this story and those who have asked me for more. It really helps me write when I know there are people who actually want to read it.
Chapter 4
Buffy could only recall one other time that she felt so horribly scared since coming to Sunnydale so long ago; when she was told of her prophecy to be killed at the hands of the Master. It was the only time there had been no hope of victory, no alternative she could find. In her mind it had already happened. However there was an alternative ending, she had been saved from her grim fate, but that was not going to happen now. Her angel of mercy was now lying before her as her bringer of death, there could be no escape; it really was inevitable. So she did the same thing she had done the last time she was left with no hope. She ran.
"You need to see a doctor," she exclaimed as she jumped out of her chair and backed out of the room as quickly as possible while trying to actually not look like she was running away.
Of course the fact that Xander could hear the fast paced beating of her high-heeled boots striking the linoleum tiled floor as soon as she cleared the door frame did not instill him with a sense of well being. The heavy dose of sedative slowly trickled through the IV and into the crippled man's bloodstream muddling his mental faculties and disrupting his physical coordination, making his body feel like lead and his eyelids impossible to keep open. Slowly Xander slipped into a dreamless sleep as his body gave in to the pull of the soothing narcotic, taking away his pain and his worries.
* * *
Buffy came to a grinding halt in front of the nurse's station, grabbing the enamel and particleboard counter to keep her momentum from carrying her into pediatrics, startling Sarah Walken, the elderly woman sitting at the desk arranging the patient files.
"It's Xander, he needs a doctor," she exclaimed before she came to a complete stop.
"What's wrong," asked the agitated nurse, "is he bleeding again?"
"No, he's awake, and he's asking about his arm, and he doesn't have one, but he thinks he does, but I know he doesn't, and so do the doctors, so he needs a doctor."
"Calm down, sweetie," said Sarah in a softer tone and with her best comforting smile while taking her finger away from the emergency button. It was not too difficult to figure out what had the girl in front of her so riled, doctors go to classes to work on their bedside manner, and here this girl had to tell her friend that he was crippled. It really was a shame to see such a tragedy befall such a nice couple, especially with the girl's current predicament. "Don't worry, we'll get him a doctor and your boyfriend will be just fine."
"He's not my boyfriend, he's just a friend," replied Buffy, temporarily forgetting the predicament of the object of their discussion in her need to clarify her situation.
"My mistake, I must be getting slow in my old age," apologized the nurse hiding a smug smirk behind her practiced gentle smile; the situation was plain to see. What Buffy did not know was that Sarah was only five months from a retirement she was not sure she wanted, and had observed more people in all states of panic and worry than she could count. It was one of her favorite parts of the job, to see the real person when they are too preoccupied with their loved one's condition to worry about what sort of impression they are giving the people around them.
Maybe it was the speed at which she spoke to deny the relationship or the way her eyes pleaded for someone to make the world right again, but at that moment Sarah was reading Buffy like an in flight magazine on a twelve hour trip, cover to cover. The sad part was that the experienced nurse could also see that the frantic blonde standing in front of her had no clue what she was feeling.
"You just wait right here while we take care of this," said Sarah as she lead Buffy over to the waiting room chairs before going back to the desk to call for the patient's doctor.
So Buffy sat in a molded plastic chair, as the people flew past her like a river flowing around a fallen tree, but she did not actually notice the activity around her, she was too busy berating herself. In her mind she committed an unforgivable crime, she ran. For all of her strength and all of her bravery in the face of death and violence she could not stand the hospital room, could not stand the look in his eyes, and that hurt the worst. She didn't just leave a fight; she left her friend, abandoning him to face the pain alone, but she had also sentenced herself to the same fate. She was alone with her shame despite being surrounded by doctors, nurses, and other people keeping a vigil for their loved ones, at least until Willow and Tara came through the sliding glass doors.
"Buffy, what are you doing out here, is Xander okay?" asked Willow as she quickly closed the distance to her best friend.
"He's awake, I went to find a doctor."
"That's great, how is he, how did he take the news?"
"I didn't tell him, I couldn't bring myself to."
"That's okay, I'm sure he'll be fine," said Tara, quickly cutting off Willow, keeping her from saying something to Buffy she would regret later and also keeping Buffy from breaking down in the middle of the waiting room under a misguided verbal assault from Willow. Buffy looked like she had not gotten a minute of sleep in the last week, and she knew that Willow didn't get much sleep last night either, mostly because Willow had called her last night as soon as she brought Dawn home to tell her the entire story. But the person Tara was most concerned about was Xander.
* * *
Xander was brought back to consciousness by the feeling of something pressing on his chest. He tried to move his hand to swat away the cold object, but he couldn't get his hand to move and got little response from the other. Finally he was able to move the pieces of stone that had once been his eyelids to see that it was a doctor's stethoscope pressed down upon him.
"Can I get some water doc," he rasped from deep in his dried out throat.
"Sure thing, Mr. Harris, just try to keep still until we're through here," said the doctor reaching for the glass and pitcher that was sitting on the table in the corner of the room.
The doctor brought the glass to Xander's lips allowing him to drink without dealing with coordinating his movements through the anesthesia's mind numbing effects. The cool water soothed his throat; washing away the cottonmouth and helping him clear his head.
The doctor returned to prodding his chest with the stethoscope and checking his bandages while droning on about some sort of medical terminology that was too confusing to comprehend, so he only half listened and watched instead.
The bandages seemed out of place to Xander. For some reason, his entire torso was wrapped in clean white bandages, but he couldn't remember his chest taking much of the assault, at least not enough to go beyond simply bruising. Of course compared to his arm nothing seemed like it could be that.
"So we were forced to amputate your arm to stop the bleeding and salvage the connecting musculature."
"Amputate!" shouted Xander when his mind finally figured out what the doctor was talking about.
The doctor was immediately at his patient's side placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, keeping him from moving in his excitement and tearing the extensive suture work.
"You have to remain calm, Mr. Harris. You have just gotten out of massive surgery; you have to be easy on your body."
Even if he could have broken the hold of the doctor's firm hand and the steady flow of muscle relaxants and painkillers entering his blood stream, Xander was beyond moving at that point. He could not have moved even if he wanted to; he was too busy staring at the void where his arm should have been, too busy experiencing the nightmare that was that empty space.
His mind tried to rebel against the cold reality that was grasping his heart and interrupting its constant rhythm. There could be no rhythm, there could be no constants, the world was no longer something he could count on; there was only anarchy.
"I know it is a lot to take in, but we have a great therapy staff, both physical and occupational, and I'm sure you will see that this is not the end of the world."
The doctor was shocked when his patient began to laugh like he was just told the best joke he had heard in a long time. Maybe it was the fact that he had seen the end of the world so many times that it was almost old hat, and now something that was apparently not the end of the world had ended his life.
The doctor watched his patient continue to laugh hysterically but could not comprehend the joke. Eventually his patient's eyes closed and his laughter softened until it was replaced by heavy breathing, so he let himself out of the room as quietly as possible, hoping that the young man had laughed himself into a peaceful sleep, untroubled by the harsh reality that awaited him upon his return.
* * *
The doctor found the women he was looking for sitting together in the waiting room leaning close together and sipping steaming coffee from Styrofoam cups. He recognized Buffy and Willow from the night before, and easily assumed that the other blonde was also a friend of his beleaguered patient.
Buffy had spotted the familiar doctor as soon as he entered the waiting area. His gait seemed strange to the observant slayer. His pace seemed to slow the closer he came to them and his hands seemed to fiddle with the stack of charts in his hand. It was apparent to her that the doctor was bearing bad news and was loathed to place it on them.
"How is he?" she asked, standing up to greet him when he came to a stop in front of her, which prompted Willow and Tara to stand as well.
"Physically he appears fine. The procedure was a success, his pulse and blood pressure are a little low, but that is to be expected with the type of pain killer we have him on," said the doctor looking over the chart in his hand.
"Then he's okay?" asked Willow grasping Buffy's hand and squeezing it in assurance.
"Yes, physically, his recovery seems to be more than we hoped for, but I'm concerned about his metal health."
"What do you mean, 'mental health'?" asked Buffy fearing the worst and blaming it all on herself.
"Well, when I explained to him about the procedure, his reaction was troubling."
'He hates me and asked the doctor to not allow me back, he feels alone and keeps asking where his friends are, he doesn't know how to handle it and started crying,' and other scenarios ran through her head, each one getting more absurd and dramatic.
"He started laughing."
"Laughing?" asked a surprised Tara, the volume of her voice surprising everyone present, and no more so than Tara herself.
"Yes, he laughed himself to sleep, and I'm worried about his response; it is not uncommon for an amputee to experience mourning aver the limb, and to feel depression, but he didn't shed a tear."
"Well, Xander was never much for crying, doctor," explained Willow, "in fact, laughing is how he deals with most things."
"I understand, I also think it is prudent to warn you that this way of coping may not be the healthiest. However, he seems well enough to entertain visitors as long as he gets his rest, so I'm sure you will be helpful in his adjustment."
"Thank you doctor," said Willow before shaking his hand and watching him leave to assist another patient. "I guess we should go see him."
"Are you sure now is a good idea?" asked Tara. "We might wake him."
"Don't worry, we'll be quiet, besides, I don't think I can sit here much longer without making sure he is okay."
Tara just smiled in understanding and followed Willow as she took the lead down the hall to Xander's room, while Buffy followed conspicuous in her silence. Something about what was said with the doctor struck a nerve in the diminutive slayer that she kept turning over in her head: He did not cry.
She watched as Willow took the vacant seat next to Xander's bed and clasp his hand, and she watched Tara inspect the room for another place to sit before grabbing a chair from out in the hall, but mostly she watched Xander. She scrutinized his face, trying to remember the last time she saw him cry. She worked back to the beginning, but could not muster up a single instance. She had seen him crushed with sadness and quivering in rage, but she had never seen him shed a tear in either case.
There was no doubt in her mind that he was one of the strongest people she knew, but even slayers cried, as she was well aware of considering the deluge that she experienced last night, and she felt so much better for it.
It was like a weight had been lifted, like she found her catharsis and was ennobled by it, ready to move forward and leave the tears behind. She did not know if it was because of the release of emotion or just new, more pressing problems, but she almost felt calm when she thought about what she had gone through, like it was a million miles away. Maybe it was because she didn't have to carry around the weight of guilt and depression anymore, but Xander couldn't bring himself to do it and that scared her.
However, she couldn't help the smile that came when he shifted in his sleep and pulled Willow's hand across his body pulling her to the edge of her chair. The look her stretched friend gave her was so reminiscent of the Willow she knew back in high school that she almost laughed out loud; the look of panic, embarrassment, and guilt mixed with her ever present smile was the essence of Willow.
Unfortunately, when her eyes fell upon the peaceful face of her sleeping friend, Buffy sobered quickly when her mind posed to her second unsettling question of the day.
'How many unshed tears can one person hold, and what happens when the damn finally breaks?'
* * *
Xander slept peacefully under his companions' watchful stares, and none more watchful than Willow, who remained by his side until a nurse came in to change his IV, decreasing the amount of morphine being fed into his body. The nurse also brought another chair into the room for Buffy to sit in, stating that the hospital normally regulated the number of visitors, but that the doctor specified that they all be allowed to stay.
Xander continued to sleep on through most of the day leaving the three women to amuse themselves with ancient issues of 'Time', 'Newsweek', and the Sunnydale paper's crossword puzzle.
"What is a four letter word for, 'a beginning of an era'?" asked Buffy from the corner of the room, where she sat with her back against the wall, her right arm resting on the back of the chair, her feet on the edge of the seat, and the newspaper propped up by her thighs.
"Dawn," answered Tara idly while reading about a new product hitting the consumer market called the personal computer.
"Oh, I knew that, I can't believe I forgot dawn," said Buffy in an amused tone. "Dawn! I forgot Dawn! What time is it?"
"It's three thirty, Dawn gets out of school in ten minutes," said Willow looking at the clock on the wall.
"I'll go pick her up and bring her back here for you," volunteered Tara when she saw Buffy looking back and forth between the clock and Xander.
"No, that's okay, I can take care of it," Buffy said, not wanting to shirk her responsibility.
"Really, I could use the fresh air," responded Tara getting up and looking at Buffy imploringly, begging Buffy to let her go.
Buffy frowned slightly realizing that Tara was trying to get away from the room. The tension had been steadily increasing between the separated couple the longer they stayed in the room, and Tara could not take much more.
"Okay, just bring her back here, she'll want to see him, but it would be best if you told her what to expect."
"Sure, I'll make sure she knows what is coming," said Tara in a quiet voice, realizing that she had volunteered for a harder job than expected, but she accepted it as the price to pay for her freedom and quickly made her escape.
"I still have to remind myself sometimes that we aren't together," Willow said sadly after what felt like an eternity of silence. "But I'm sure that she still reminds herself why we aren't."
"I'm sure this is hard for her too," responded Buffy trying to be supportive for her friend.
"That's what makes this so hard, because I feel like we're wasting time," said Willow, turning to look at Buffy. "We could still be together, we could still be happy together, but I don't know how to make her see that."
"She already sees that," said Xander, smoothly interjecting himself into the conversation.
"Well, if she sees.Xander?" responded Willow before processing who had actually spoken.
Xander tried to maneuver himself into a sitting position, but found it difficult using only one arm that also held his IV, and having his torso tightly wrapped and bruised all over. Willow moved to help him grabbing him under his armpits and lifting, eliciting a sharp hiss from her friend as he stifled a gasp of pain making Willow quickly remove her hands subsequently dropping him back onto the mattress.
"That's okay Will, I can handle it," he said before fighting his way to a sitting position.
Buffy watched painfully from her seat, wanting to go help him, but also watching him grimace even more whenever Willow made a move to help. She couldn't tell if he refused help because he did not want anyone touching his bruises or if he wanted to avoid a bruise to his ego. Either way, having to sit and watch was not something she stomached easily.
"She sees a lot of stuff, you know," he said when he finally propped himself up against the wall.
"Who sees.oh, Tara, well if she sees, why doesn't she come back to me?"
"Because she sees too much to do that," Xander said with a sad half smile. "She sees that you are making an effort, and she sees that you are making progress. She also knows things; she knows that part of the wake up call to help yourself was because she left, and she knows that if she comes back and things go back to the way they were, then you could go back too."
"But I wouldn't do that."
"I think she loves you too much to take that risk yet," he said and gently pulled her down for a hug.
"Wouldn't you agree, Buffy?" he asked her with a big grin when his eyes fell on her behind Willow.
"I think that Willow and Tara will be okay; I'm worried about someone else in this room."
Willow broke the hug to watch his response trying to use her atrophied 'best friend' skills to read his reaction. Xander made a show of looking around the room inspecting either side of the bed and checking all of the other unoccupied corners before shooting Buffy his most charming grin and saying, "Well, I guess that's me. Don't worry about me; I'm just fine. I wanted to drop some weight after the wedding anyways, this way I don't have to do any of that tiring exercise."
Xander smiled at Willow too, and made sure that she at least smiled a little, but Buffy wasn't so sure if she found the situation funny. He seemed slightly less 'Xander-ish' than she remembered, although she knew better than to say anything, mostly to avoid the horrible pun that she had a suspicion would follow the remark.
"Xander!"
A blur of hair and jeans burst through the doorway and attached itself to a surprised Xander, forcing out a loud breath with a sharp intake quick on its heels.
"Easy, Dawn, he's still sore," explained a surprised Willow.
"Oh God!" exclaimed Dawn, pulling away like he was made of plutonium. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I've just been so worried about you this whole day, and then I saw you sitting up and looking like our Xander, and well, you needed to be hugged."
Dawn grasped Xander's hand and moved to sit down without looking at the chair beside his bed, the one that Willow was still sitting in. Dawn simply pushed Willow sideways until she no longer had enough support to stay in the chair. Willow looked in shock at Buffy, who just shrugged and looked at the doorway where Tara was standing. Tara could only shrug and looked back over to Dawn, who was telling Xander all about what happened to her from the night before all the way to that minute, all in the span of about ten seconds, or at least it would have been except Dawn kept going back to other parts of the story as she remembered more 'important' information. Xander for his part listened dutifully, only sparing his attention to quickly look at the other women in the room in panic.
"I think we better take her home soon before one of their heads explode," Willow said grinning at the scene in front of her.
"Give her a little while longer, I figure she'll be on her fifth lap of this story after a minute or two. I wonder if Xander will even notice?" Tara added.
"Are you kidding, Dawn doesn't even know how many times she has just told him about Chemistry class," said Buffy. "Which reminds me that we are going to have to start looking for the nerd squad again soon."
The announcement forced all three of them to gaze at the empty space on Xander's right side despite the fact that it caused a chill to run down their spines. Xander looked over at them and smiled, but was interrupted by a large yawn, which Buffy took as her cue to step in.
"Okay, Dawn, we have to go, Xander can't get any better if he doesn't get enough rest."
"Ah, but I just got here, I don't want to leave," pouted Dawn.
"Tomorrow's Friday, you can see him after school," Buffy assured her.
Dawn didn't stop pouting, but she did accept her sister's ruling and gave Xander another hug, this time softer, and gave him a kiss on his cheek.
"That was for saving my life," she whispered before walking over to the door.
Tara also gave him a gentle hug and then walked over to Dawn and started talking to her about her day as they walked out the door and down the hall.
"I think somebody may have just taken back his title as 'official crush'," Buffy said with a smirk.
"She's just happy to be alive, I figure it will last until I get out of this place," he said with a yawn and a grin.
"Well, she could always do worse when it comes to crushes," she said as she leaned down to give him a hug. Xander craned his neck up and kissed her cheek and said, "That was for saving my life."
"Just returning the favor," she replied.
"I'm going to stay here for a while," said Willow as she sat down next to Xander again.
"Okay, I may come by later tonight after patrol."
"Okay Buffy," replied Willow.
Xander just smiled at her before turning his attention back to Willow to hear how the guys at the construction site reacted when she called to tell them he would be out for a while.
Buffy watched the scene for a few seconds taking in Xander's wide smile that still did not seem right to her. Her gaze then fell to where his right arm had been and once again thought of finding the nerd trio. There was no doubt in her mind that she would find them, the only question was how many of their bones she was going to break when she finally did.
* * *
End of Chapter 4
Author: JimboS
E-mail: RaistlinM1@aol.com
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters used in this story only the plot is mine, and even that is pretty basic.
Author's note: Takes place after Normal Again in season 6. I'm not sure if I'm going to use some of season 6 plot in the rest, I really didn't care for the season in general.
Author's Note 2: I want to thank Ray for helping me so much with this chapter. Anyone who hasn't read his stuff should. http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=79383.
Author's Note 3: I also want to thank everyone who has reviewed this story and those who have asked me for more. It really helps me write when I know there are people who actually want to read it.
Chapter 4
Buffy could only recall one other time that she felt so horribly scared since coming to Sunnydale so long ago; when she was told of her prophecy to be killed at the hands of the Master. It was the only time there had been no hope of victory, no alternative she could find. In her mind it had already happened. However there was an alternative ending, she had been saved from her grim fate, but that was not going to happen now. Her angel of mercy was now lying before her as her bringer of death, there could be no escape; it really was inevitable. So she did the same thing she had done the last time she was left with no hope. She ran.
"You need to see a doctor," she exclaimed as she jumped out of her chair and backed out of the room as quickly as possible while trying to actually not look like she was running away.
Of course the fact that Xander could hear the fast paced beating of her high-heeled boots striking the linoleum tiled floor as soon as she cleared the door frame did not instill him with a sense of well being. The heavy dose of sedative slowly trickled through the IV and into the crippled man's bloodstream muddling his mental faculties and disrupting his physical coordination, making his body feel like lead and his eyelids impossible to keep open. Slowly Xander slipped into a dreamless sleep as his body gave in to the pull of the soothing narcotic, taking away his pain and his worries.
* * *
Buffy came to a grinding halt in front of the nurse's station, grabbing the enamel and particleboard counter to keep her momentum from carrying her into pediatrics, startling Sarah Walken, the elderly woman sitting at the desk arranging the patient files.
"It's Xander, he needs a doctor," she exclaimed before she came to a complete stop.
"What's wrong," asked the agitated nurse, "is he bleeding again?"
"No, he's awake, and he's asking about his arm, and he doesn't have one, but he thinks he does, but I know he doesn't, and so do the doctors, so he needs a doctor."
"Calm down, sweetie," said Sarah in a softer tone and with her best comforting smile while taking her finger away from the emergency button. It was not too difficult to figure out what had the girl in front of her so riled, doctors go to classes to work on their bedside manner, and here this girl had to tell her friend that he was crippled. It really was a shame to see such a tragedy befall such a nice couple, especially with the girl's current predicament. "Don't worry, we'll get him a doctor and your boyfriend will be just fine."
"He's not my boyfriend, he's just a friend," replied Buffy, temporarily forgetting the predicament of the object of their discussion in her need to clarify her situation.
"My mistake, I must be getting slow in my old age," apologized the nurse hiding a smug smirk behind her practiced gentle smile; the situation was plain to see. What Buffy did not know was that Sarah was only five months from a retirement she was not sure she wanted, and had observed more people in all states of panic and worry than she could count. It was one of her favorite parts of the job, to see the real person when they are too preoccupied with their loved one's condition to worry about what sort of impression they are giving the people around them.
Maybe it was the speed at which she spoke to deny the relationship or the way her eyes pleaded for someone to make the world right again, but at that moment Sarah was reading Buffy like an in flight magazine on a twelve hour trip, cover to cover. The sad part was that the experienced nurse could also see that the frantic blonde standing in front of her had no clue what she was feeling.
"You just wait right here while we take care of this," said Sarah as she lead Buffy over to the waiting room chairs before going back to the desk to call for the patient's doctor.
So Buffy sat in a molded plastic chair, as the people flew past her like a river flowing around a fallen tree, but she did not actually notice the activity around her, she was too busy berating herself. In her mind she committed an unforgivable crime, she ran. For all of her strength and all of her bravery in the face of death and violence she could not stand the hospital room, could not stand the look in his eyes, and that hurt the worst. She didn't just leave a fight; she left her friend, abandoning him to face the pain alone, but she had also sentenced herself to the same fate. She was alone with her shame despite being surrounded by doctors, nurses, and other people keeping a vigil for their loved ones, at least until Willow and Tara came through the sliding glass doors.
"Buffy, what are you doing out here, is Xander okay?" asked Willow as she quickly closed the distance to her best friend.
"He's awake, I went to find a doctor."
"That's great, how is he, how did he take the news?"
"I didn't tell him, I couldn't bring myself to."
"That's okay, I'm sure he'll be fine," said Tara, quickly cutting off Willow, keeping her from saying something to Buffy she would regret later and also keeping Buffy from breaking down in the middle of the waiting room under a misguided verbal assault from Willow. Buffy looked like she had not gotten a minute of sleep in the last week, and she knew that Willow didn't get much sleep last night either, mostly because Willow had called her last night as soon as she brought Dawn home to tell her the entire story. But the person Tara was most concerned about was Xander.
* * *
Xander was brought back to consciousness by the feeling of something pressing on his chest. He tried to move his hand to swat away the cold object, but he couldn't get his hand to move and got little response from the other. Finally he was able to move the pieces of stone that had once been his eyelids to see that it was a doctor's stethoscope pressed down upon him.
"Can I get some water doc," he rasped from deep in his dried out throat.
"Sure thing, Mr. Harris, just try to keep still until we're through here," said the doctor reaching for the glass and pitcher that was sitting on the table in the corner of the room.
The doctor brought the glass to Xander's lips allowing him to drink without dealing with coordinating his movements through the anesthesia's mind numbing effects. The cool water soothed his throat; washing away the cottonmouth and helping him clear his head.
The doctor returned to prodding his chest with the stethoscope and checking his bandages while droning on about some sort of medical terminology that was too confusing to comprehend, so he only half listened and watched instead.
The bandages seemed out of place to Xander. For some reason, his entire torso was wrapped in clean white bandages, but he couldn't remember his chest taking much of the assault, at least not enough to go beyond simply bruising. Of course compared to his arm nothing seemed like it could be that.
"So we were forced to amputate your arm to stop the bleeding and salvage the connecting musculature."
"Amputate!" shouted Xander when his mind finally figured out what the doctor was talking about.
The doctor was immediately at his patient's side placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, keeping him from moving in his excitement and tearing the extensive suture work.
"You have to remain calm, Mr. Harris. You have just gotten out of massive surgery; you have to be easy on your body."
Even if he could have broken the hold of the doctor's firm hand and the steady flow of muscle relaxants and painkillers entering his blood stream, Xander was beyond moving at that point. He could not have moved even if he wanted to; he was too busy staring at the void where his arm should have been, too busy experiencing the nightmare that was that empty space.
His mind tried to rebel against the cold reality that was grasping his heart and interrupting its constant rhythm. There could be no rhythm, there could be no constants, the world was no longer something he could count on; there was only anarchy.
"I know it is a lot to take in, but we have a great therapy staff, both physical and occupational, and I'm sure you will see that this is not the end of the world."
The doctor was shocked when his patient began to laugh like he was just told the best joke he had heard in a long time. Maybe it was the fact that he had seen the end of the world so many times that it was almost old hat, and now something that was apparently not the end of the world had ended his life.
The doctor watched his patient continue to laugh hysterically but could not comprehend the joke. Eventually his patient's eyes closed and his laughter softened until it was replaced by heavy breathing, so he let himself out of the room as quietly as possible, hoping that the young man had laughed himself into a peaceful sleep, untroubled by the harsh reality that awaited him upon his return.
* * *
The doctor found the women he was looking for sitting together in the waiting room leaning close together and sipping steaming coffee from Styrofoam cups. He recognized Buffy and Willow from the night before, and easily assumed that the other blonde was also a friend of his beleaguered patient.
Buffy had spotted the familiar doctor as soon as he entered the waiting area. His gait seemed strange to the observant slayer. His pace seemed to slow the closer he came to them and his hands seemed to fiddle with the stack of charts in his hand. It was apparent to her that the doctor was bearing bad news and was loathed to place it on them.
"How is he?" she asked, standing up to greet him when he came to a stop in front of her, which prompted Willow and Tara to stand as well.
"Physically he appears fine. The procedure was a success, his pulse and blood pressure are a little low, but that is to be expected with the type of pain killer we have him on," said the doctor looking over the chart in his hand.
"Then he's okay?" asked Willow grasping Buffy's hand and squeezing it in assurance.
"Yes, physically, his recovery seems to be more than we hoped for, but I'm concerned about his metal health."
"What do you mean, 'mental health'?" asked Buffy fearing the worst and blaming it all on herself.
"Well, when I explained to him about the procedure, his reaction was troubling."
'He hates me and asked the doctor to not allow me back, he feels alone and keeps asking where his friends are, he doesn't know how to handle it and started crying,' and other scenarios ran through her head, each one getting more absurd and dramatic.
"He started laughing."
"Laughing?" asked a surprised Tara, the volume of her voice surprising everyone present, and no more so than Tara herself.
"Yes, he laughed himself to sleep, and I'm worried about his response; it is not uncommon for an amputee to experience mourning aver the limb, and to feel depression, but he didn't shed a tear."
"Well, Xander was never much for crying, doctor," explained Willow, "in fact, laughing is how he deals with most things."
"I understand, I also think it is prudent to warn you that this way of coping may not be the healthiest. However, he seems well enough to entertain visitors as long as he gets his rest, so I'm sure you will be helpful in his adjustment."
"Thank you doctor," said Willow before shaking his hand and watching him leave to assist another patient. "I guess we should go see him."
"Are you sure now is a good idea?" asked Tara. "We might wake him."
"Don't worry, we'll be quiet, besides, I don't think I can sit here much longer without making sure he is okay."
Tara just smiled in understanding and followed Willow as she took the lead down the hall to Xander's room, while Buffy followed conspicuous in her silence. Something about what was said with the doctor struck a nerve in the diminutive slayer that she kept turning over in her head: He did not cry.
She watched as Willow took the vacant seat next to Xander's bed and clasp his hand, and she watched Tara inspect the room for another place to sit before grabbing a chair from out in the hall, but mostly she watched Xander. She scrutinized his face, trying to remember the last time she saw him cry. She worked back to the beginning, but could not muster up a single instance. She had seen him crushed with sadness and quivering in rage, but she had never seen him shed a tear in either case.
There was no doubt in her mind that he was one of the strongest people she knew, but even slayers cried, as she was well aware of considering the deluge that she experienced last night, and she felt so much better for it.
It was like a weight had been lifted, like she found her catharsis and was ennobled by it, ready to move forward and leave the tears behind. She did not know if it was because of the release of emotion or just new, more pressing problems, but she almost felt calm when she thought about what she had gone through, like it was a million miles away. Maybe it was because she didn't have to carry around the weight of guilt and depression anymore, but Xander couldn't bring himself to do it and that scared her.
However, she couldn't help the smile that came when he shifted in his sleep and pulled Willow's hand across his body pulling her to the edge of her chair. The look her stretched friend gave her was so reminiscent of the Willow she knew back in high school that she almost laughed out loud; the look of panic, embarrassment, and guilt mixed with her ever present smile was the essence of Willow.
Unfortunately, when her eyes fell upon the peaceful face of her sleeping friend, Buffy sobered quickly when her mind posed to her second unsettling question of the day.
'How many unshed tears can one person hold, and what happens when the damn finally breaks?'
* * *
Xander slept peacefully under his companions' watchful stares, and none more watchful than Willow, who remained by his side until a nurse came in to change his IV, decreasing the amount of morphine being fed into his body. The nurse also brought another chair into the room for Buffy to sit in, stating that the hospital normally regulated the number of visitors, but that the doctor specified that they all be allowed to stay.
Xander continued to sleep on through most of the day leaving the three women to amuse themselves with ancient issues of 'Time', 'Newsweek', and the Sunnydale paper's crossword puzzle.
"What is a four letter word for, 'a beginning of an era'?" asked Buffy from the corner of the room, where she sat with her back against the wall, her right arm resting on the back of the chair, her feet on the edge of the seat, and the newspaper propped up by her thighs.
"Dawn," answered Tara idly while reading about a new product hitting the consumer market called the personal computer.
"Oh, I knew that, I can't believe I forgot dawn," said Buffy in an amused tone. "Dawn! I forgot Dawn! What time is it?"
"It's three thirty, Dawn gets out of school in ten minutes," said Willow looking at the clock on the wall.
"I'll go pick her up and bring her back here for you," volunteered Tara when she saw Buffy looking back and forth between the clock and Xander.
"No, that's okay, I can take care of it," Buffy said, not wanting to shirk her responsibility.
"Really, I could use the fresh air," responded Tara getting up and looking at Buffy imploringly, begging Buffy to let her go.
Buffy frowned slightly realizing that Tara was trying to get away from the room. The tension had been steadily increasing between the separated couple the longer they stayed in the room, and Tara could not take much more.
"Okay, just bring her back here, she'll want to see him, but it would be best if you told her what to expect."
"Sure, I'll make sure she knows what is coming," said Tara in a quiet voice, realizing that she had volunteered for a harder job than expected, but she accepted it as the price to pay for her freedom and quickly made her escape.
"I still have to remind myself sometimes that we aren't together," Willow said sadly after what felt like an eternity of silence. "But I'm sure that she still reminds herself why we aren't."
"I'm sure this is hard for her too," responded Buffy trying to be supportive for her friend.
"That's what makes this so hard, because I feel like we're wasting time," said Willow, turning to look at Buffy. "We could still be together, we could still be happy together, but I don't know how to make her see that."
"She already sees that," said Xander, smoothly interjecting himself into the conversation.
"Well, if she sees.Xander?" responded Willow before processing who had actually spoken.
Xander tried to maneuver himself into a sitting position, but found it difficult using only one arm that also held his IV, and having his torso tightly wrapped and bruised all over. Willow moved to help him grabbing him under his armpits and lifting, eliciting a sharp hiss from her friend as he stifled a gasp of pain making Willow quickly remove her hands subsequently dropping him back onto the mattress.
"That's okay Will, I can handle it," he said before fighting his way to a sitting position.
Buffy watched painfully from her seat, wanting to go help him, but also watching him grimace even more whenever Willow made a move to help. She couldn't tell if he refused help because he did not want anyone touching his bruises or if he wanted to avoid a bruise to his ego. Either way, having to sit and watch was not something she stomached easily.
"She sees a lot of stuff, you know," he said when he finally propped himself up against the wall.
"Who sees.oh, Tara, well if she sees, why doesn't she come back to me?"
"Because she sees too much to do that," Xander said with a sad half smile. "She sees that you are making an effort, and she sees that you are making progress. She also knows things; she knows that part of the wake up call to help yourself was because she left, and she knows that if she comes back and things go back to the way they were, then you could go back too."
"But I wouldn't do that."
"I think she loves you too much to take that risk yet," he said and gently pulled her down for a hug.
"Wouldn't you agree, Buffy?" he asked her with a big grin when his eyes fell on her behind Willow.
"I think that Willow and Tara will be okay; I'm worried about someone else in this room."
Willow broke the hug to watch his response trying to use her atrophied 'best friend' skills to read his reaction. Xander made a show of looking around the room inspecting either side of the bed and checking all of the other unoccupied corners before shooting Buffy his most charming grin and saying, "Well, I guess that's me. Don't worry about me; I'm just fine. I wanted to drop some weight after the wedding anyways, this way I don't have to do any of that tiring exercise."
Xander smiled at Willow too, and made sure that she at least smiled a little, but Buffy wasn't so sure if she found the situation funny. He seemed slightly less 'Xander-ish' than she remembered, although she knew better than to say anything, mostly to avoid the horrible pun that she had a suspicion would follow the remark.
"Xander!"
A blur of hair and jeans burst through the doorway and attached itself to a surprised Xander, forcing out a loud breath with a sharp intake quick on its heels.
"Easy, Dawn, he's still sore," explained a surprised Willow.
"Oh God!" exclaimed Dawn, pulling away like he was made of plutonium. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I've just been so worried about you this whole day, and then I saw you sitting up and looking like our Xander, and well, you needed to be hugged."
Dawn grasped Xander's hand and moved to sit down without looking at the chair beside his bed, the one that Willow was still sitting in. Dawn simply pushed Willow sideways until she no longer had enough support to stay in the chair. Willow looked in shock at Buffy, who just shrugged and looked at the doorway where Tara was standing. Tara could only shrug and looked back over to Dawn, who was telling Xander all about what happened to her from the night before all the way to that minute, all in the span of about ten seconds, or at least it would have been except Dawn kept going back to other parts of the story as she remembered more 'important' information. Xander for his part listened dutifully, only sparing his attention to quickly look at the other women in the room in panic.
"I think we better take her home soon before one of their heads explode," Willow said grinning at the scene in front of her.
"Give her a little while longer, I figure she'll be on her fifth lap of this story after a minute or two. I wonder if Xander will even notice?" Tara added.
"Are you kidding, Dawn doesn't even know how many times she has just told him about Chemistry class," said Buffy. "Which reminds me that we are going to have to start looking for the nerd squad again soon."
The announcement forced all three of them to gaze at the empty space on Xander's right side despite the fact that it caused a chill to run down their spines. Xander looked over at them and smiled, but was interrupted by a large yawn, which Buffy took as her cue to step in.
"Okay, Dawn, we have to go, Xander can't get any better if he doesn't get enough rest."
"Ah, but I just got here, I don't want to leave," pouted Dawn.
"Tomorrow's Friday, you can see him after school," Buffy assured her.
Dawn didn't stop pouting, but she did accept her sister's ruling and gave Xander another hug, this time softer, and gave him a kiss on his cheek.
"That was for saving my life," she whispered before walking over to the door.
Tara also gave him a gentle hug and then walked over to Dawn and started talking to her about her day as they walked out the door and down the hall.
"I think somebody may have just taken back his title as 'official crush'," Buffy said with a smirk.
"She's just happy to be alive, I figure it will last until I get out of this place," he said with a yawn and a grin.
"Well, she could always do worse when it comes to crushes," she said as she leaned down to give him a hug. Xander craned his neck up and kissed her cheek and said, "That was for saving my life."
"Just returning the favor," she replied.
"I'm going to stay here for a while," said Willow as she sat down next to Xander again.
"Okay, I may come by later tonight after patrol."
"Okay Buffy," replied Willow.
Xander just smiled at her before turning his attention back to Willow to hear how the guys at the construction site reacted when she called to tell them he would be out for a while.
Buffy watched the scene for a few seconds taking in Xander's wide smile that still did not seem right to her. Her gaze then fell to where his right arm had been and once again thought of finding the nerd trio. There was no doubt in her mind that she would find them, the only question was how many of their bones she was going to break when she finally did.
* * *
End of Chapter 4