As Long As I Can Hold Him
By Katie
Disclaimer: Merle, Van, and Hitomi aren't mine. They belong to…Sunrise? Whoever bought the rights. I've never tried this before, but please read and review?
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He doesn't love me.
Tears well up in my eyes, but I'm not surprised. I guess I've known all along that Hitomi's had his heart. I didn't want to admit it; I still don't want to believe it. It's so hard to keep myself from clinging again. I can't bear to lose my only real friend. Everyone else sees me as cute. He sees me as special.
What makes Hitomi so special? She's freaky! She goes all weird when she has those visions, and they're always about people dying. What does he see in her? Who cares that she's nice, and smart, and…and… Who am I kidding? Hitomi's a much better person than I am. She doesn't get clingy, or jealous, or yell at the wrong people.
Why does love have to hurt so much? Why can I just make it go away? It won't leave me alone…it hurts when I hunt, it hurts when I eat, it hurts when I try to play, or even read. It won't even let me sleep. I want to yell, to scream and shout that it's just not fair, that it's not right to make me love him so much but not let me have him.
Sometimes I think of running away, escaping from the daily reminders of what will never be. But I can't. Because then I'd be alone with my pain, and I don't want to think about what would happen then. I can't escape it, but one of the things I love about Lord Van is the way he holds me, like I'm the most important person in the world. I feel safe, and the pain lessens to a dull throb. I think Hitomi understands…she never makes a fuss about it, and she always has this look on her face, a little hint of a smile. Another sign that she's way better than me, that I never had a chance. But I'll survive.
As long as I can hold him, I think I'll be alright.