I was running; running down a grove of snow-covered oak trees. There was a
black figure far off in the distance, and I started to quicken my pace;
faster and faster until the trees on either side of me had become a blur of
black and white shapes. I began to sweat. I had almost reached the figure
when I suddenly opened my eyes
I was lying in a beautiful bed, in an elegant, spacious room. I did not recognize it. I had to turn my head to see in the direction, for my right eye didn't seem to want to open. I sat up with a start at seeing a collection of spears in a corner, but I was forced to quickly lie back down again, for there was a tremendous throbbing in my head. I reached my hand up to my forehead only to discover a thick bandage wrapped around my brow. As I glanced down at myself I uttered a small cry.
"Holy crap!" I gasped. "I'm in a freakin' dress!!!"
I had despised dresses since kindergarten and that hate had only intensified through my years as they became more popular with my peers. They were long, cumbersome, uncomfortable, and you always had to be cautious of how you sat and which way the wind was blowing. Needless to say, I was quite appalled at waking up and finding myself in one.
"What the heck is going on here?" I muttered as I slowly sat up in the bed, pressing my hand to my bandaged head. "Either a really bad hallucination or a really sick joke."
I massaged my forehead, trying to ease the throbbing. Then faint sounds of voices drifted to my ears. I decided to go find the ones making the noise, and give them a thorough beating. This had to be one of Stephanie's pathetic attempts to get me into anything besides jeans and a sweatshirt. If she had done anything with my Levi's I swore I was going to kill her. I staggered out of the bed to the nearest wall. I was a little queasy and the walls kept spinning. So I walked slowly out of the room down the corridor towards the voices, supporting myself with the wall the whole time.
"Slowly, that's it," I assured myself. "The dizziness will go away. I will NOT trip over this cursed dress." I said this last word with extra malice.
The end of the passage opened to a large hall. Pillars were lined up on each side and there were several wooden tables near the opposite wall. Two men, one dark and tall, the other short and hairy were sitting at one of them. The tall one was smoking a pipe and the other was eating. Behind them leaning against one of the massive pillars was another younger man. He was tall as well, only more fair with long golden hair. He also had, I looked harder to make sure I wasn't mistaken, unnaturally pointy ears. To my right at the top of the magnificent hall were two more elderly men sitting in great thrones. The oldest one had long white hair and a white beard and was wearing robes of white. The other was wearing more ornate and colorful robes of a sort. At seeing all these strange clothes and great halls, I wondered if I had wandered onto the set of a King Arthur movie. As I had been inspecting my new location, the blond-haired, pointy- eared young man had noticed my presence.
"It looks like our guest has finally awoken," he said softly. The others all turned to look at me.
"Guest?" I croaked. My voice had picked that precise moment to crack and wail.
"How are you feeling?" the blonde man asked.
"Like I've been gored by a bull," I answered truthfully. The dark haired man chuckled. I stared at them all, waiting for something to happen. Surely, they did not expect me to know what was going on. The elderly man in all white spoke:
"It's good you are up," he said. I could only assume he was talking to me. "King Theoden has just made his decision, and you are to leave at dawn."
King? At dawn? What? Huh?
"I on the other hand," he continued as he stood up, "must depart now." He strode over to the dark haired man at the table, said a few words, and then left the hall through a set of giant door at its other end.
The tall man at the table stood up, looked me directly in the eye, and proceeded to tell me the names of the shorter bearded man, and the taller blonde one. The elderly chap that had been sitting in the throne had disappeared.
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn," he said. "This is Gimli, son of Gloin," gesturing to the shorter one, "and this is Legolas Greenleaf of the Woodland Realm."
If I had been expecting to learn anything from their names, I was utterly disappointed.
"Come, join us," he continued, gesturing to the table beside him. "We have time to talk now."
Glaring at him skeptically through my one good eye I took a step forward. As I let go of the wall, however, my knees gave out and I began to fall. But before I had reached the floor, the young blonde man had his arms around me and was helping me sit down. I hadn't been seated long when a large wooden bowl was pushed in front of me, filled with something resembling a stew. I couldn't tell if it was my impaired vision, or just the stew, but it did not look appetizing. The one called Legolas sat down opposite me. As I poked the stew cautiously he kindly asked me my name.
"I'm not so sure I trust you that much yet," I replied. I was not about to go giving away any personal information about myself without having some of my own questions answered first.
"First tell me where I am and how I got here. No, wait. First tell me why I'm in a dress and what you've done with my jeans."
"I'm sorry, milady," Legolas said, "jeans?"
I was stunned at his thickness. "My Levi's," I said. "My denim blue jeans." He looked genuinely puzzled. "Oh, come on! My pants, man! My g*# d@% pants! What have you done with my britches?!"
He sat upright and spoke in gentle manner, "It is customary that when one comes to stay in another land, they dress in its fashion. And when we found you your clothes were very tattered and worn. We thought you would like something clean to wear."
"They were no more worn than the clothes on your back!" I shouted. "And not much dirtier, either." Well, at least they weren't when I left the house that day.
"Well, it is also most unusual.well that is to say that women.women."
"That women what?"
"They do not wear britches. In these lands they are clad in elegant gowns. It did not seem fit to dress such a lovely young lady in men's clothing."
"Excuse me?" I screeched. "Men's clothing? I see here that the closest thing to britches that any of you men are wearing, are those lovely Robin Hood tights you've got on."
"Calm down, milady," said the man named Aragorn, "he meant no harm. It is particularly hard for Elves to accept anything different from their own ways."
I wasn't quite sure I was hearing right. "Hold on, did you say Elves?" I asked. "You mean to tell me that he's an Elf? What?" I was extremely confused, I had always pictured elves as those little guys with the pointy shoes and bells that hung out at the North Pole with Santa Clause.
"Did you not hear me the first time?" asked Aragorn. "This is Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood."
"Oh, so he's a prince too! How splendid! It is a pleasure to meet you, Your Majesty," I said sarcastically, bowing slightly. "I don't suppose you've got fairies and trolls here as well?"
"Fairies, no, but trolls, yes," grunted Gimli.
"Oh, cut the crap," I said as I pushed the lumpy bowl of stew away from me. "Just give me back my clothes and my horse and let me go home."
"We would gladly escort you back, but as of yet we do not know your name or from whence you have come," said Legolas.
"Would you just drop the Shakespeare already? Unless we're not in Boise anymore, I don't see what the problem is."
"Boise? Milady, you are in Rohan, home of the Horse Lords."
I was lying in a beautiful bed, in an elegant, spacious room. I did not recognize it. I had to turn my head to see in the direction, for my right eye didn't seem to want to open. I sat up with a start at seeing a collection of spears in a corner, but I was forced to quickly lie back down again, for there was a tremendous throbbing in my head. I reached my hand up to my forehead only to discover a thick bandage wrapped around my brow. As I glanced down at myself I uttered a small cry.
"Holy crap!" I gasped. "I'm in a freakin' dress!!!"
I had despised dresses since kindergarten and that hate had only intensified through my years as they became more popular with my peers. They were long, cumbersome, uncomfortable, and you always had to be cautious of how you sat and which way the wind was blowing. Needless to say, I was quite appalled at waking up and finding myself in one.
"What the heck is going on here?" I muttered as I slowly sat up in the bed, pressing my hand to my bandaged head. "Either a really bad hallucination or a really sick joke."
I massaged my forehead, trying to ease the throbbing. Then faint sounds of voices drifted to my ears. I decided to go find the ones making the noise, and give them a thorough beating. This had to be one of Stephanie's pathetic attempts to get me into anything besides jeans and a sweatshirt. If she had done anything with my Levi's I swore I was going to kill her. I staggered out of the bed to the nearest wall. I was a little queasy and the walls kept spinning. So I walked slowly out of the room down the corridor towards the voices, supporting myself with the wall the whole time.
"Slowly, that's it," I assured myself. "The dizziness will go away. I will NOT trip over this cursed dress." I said this last word with extra malice.
The end of the passage opened to a large hall. Pillars were lined up on each side and there were several wooden tables near the opposite wall. Two men, one dark and tall, the other short and hairy were sitting at one of them. The tall one was smoking a pipe and the other was eating. Behind them leaning against one of the massive pillars was another younger man. He was tall as well, only more fair with long golden hair. He also had, I looked harder to make sure I wasn't mistaken, unnaturally pointy ears. To my right at the top of the magnificent hall were two more elderly men sitting in great thrones. The oldest one had long white hair and a white beard and was wearing robes of white. The other was wearing more ornate and colorful robes of a sort. At seeing all these strange clothes and great halls, I wondered if I had wandered onto the set of a King Arthur movie. As I had been inspecting my new location, the blond-haired, pointy- eared young man had noticed my presence.
"It looks like our guest has finally awoken," he said softly. The others all turned to look at me.
"Guest?" I croaked. My voice had picked that precise moment to crack and wail.
"How are you feeling?" the blonde man asked.
"Like I've been gored by a bull," I answered truthfully. The dark haired man chuckled. I stared at them all, waiting for something to happen. Surely, they did not expect me to know what was going on. The elderly man in all white spoke:
"It's good you are up," he said. I could only assume he was talking to me. "King Theoden has just made his decision, and you are to leave at dawn."
King? At dawn? What? Huh?
"I on the other hand," he continued as he stood up, "must depart now." He strode over to the dark haired man at the table, said a few words, and then left the hall through a set of giant door at its other end.
The tall man at the table stood up, looked me directly in the eye, and proceeded to tell me the names of the shorter bearded man, and the taller blonde one. The elderly chap that had been sitting in the throne had disappeared.
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn," he said. "This is Gimli, son of Gloin," gesturing to the shorter one, "and this is Legolas Greenleaf of the Woodland Realm."
If I had been expecting to learn anything from their names, I was utterly disappointed.
"Come, join us," he continued, gesturing to the table beside him. "We have time to talk now."
Glaring at him skeptically through my one good eye I took a step forward. As I let go of the wall, however, my knees gave out and I began to fall. But before I had reached the floor, the young blonde man had his arms around me and was helping me sit down. I hadn't been seated long when a large wooden bowl was pushed in front of me, filled with something resembling a stew. I couldn't tell if it was my impaired vision, or just the stew, but it did not look appetizing. The one called Legolas sat down opposite me. As I poked the stew cautiously he kindly asked me my name.
"I'm not so sure I trust you that much yet," I replied. I was not about to go giving away any personal information about myself without having some of my own questions answered first.
"First tell me where I am and how I got here. No, wait. First tell me why I'm in a dress and what you've done with my jeans."
"I'm sorry, milady," Legolas said, "jeans?"
I was stunned at his thickness. "My Levi's," I said. "My denim blue jeans." He looked genuinely puzzled. "Oh, come on! My pants, man! My g*# d@% pants! What have you done with my britches?!"
He sat upright and spoke in gentle manner, "It is customary that when one comes to stay in another land, they dress in its fashion. And when we found you your clothes were very tattered and worn. We thought you would like something clean to wear."
"They were no more worn than the clothes on your back!" I shouted. "And not much dirtier, either." Well, at least they weren't when I left the house that day.
"Well, it is also most unusual.well that is to say that women.women."
"That women what?"
"They do not wear britches. In these lands they are clad in elegant gowns. It did not seem fit to dress such a lovely young lady in men's clothing."
"Excuse me?" I screeched. "Men's clothing? I see here that the closest thing to britches that any of you men are wearing, are those lovely Robin Hood tights you've got on."
"Calm down, milady," said the man named Aragorn, "he meant no harm. It is particularly hard for Elves to accept anything different from their own ways."
I wasn't quite sure I was hearing right. "Hold on, did you say Elves?" I asked. "You mean to tell me that he's an Elf? What?" I was extremely confused, I had always pictured elves as those little guys with the pointy shoes and bells that hung out at the North Pole with Santa Clause.
"Did you not hear me the first time?" asked Aragorn. "This is Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood."
"Oh, so he's a prince too! How splendid! It is a pleasure to meet you, Your Majesty," I said sarcastically, bowing slightly. "I don't suppose you've got fairies and trolls here as well?"
"Fairies, no, but trolls, yes," grunted Gimli.
"Oh, cut the crap," I said as I pushed the lumpy bowl of stew away from me. "Just give me back my clothes and my horse and let me go home."
"We would gladly escort you back, but as of yet we do not know your name or from whence you have come," said Legolas.
"Would you just drop the Shakespeare already? Unless we're not in Boise anymore, I don't see what the problem is."
"Boise? Milady, you are in Rohan, home of the Horse Lords."