Part 13: The Woman
~*~
"Would you like to receive the honor of becoming my partner?"
She stared at the man dumbfounded, never in her wildest dreams would she imagine him asking her the question. The 'honor'. She searched for reassurance in his green eyes, making sure that she was not in fact dreaming. But the eyes were focused and distanced, prompting hesitation and questions inside her mind.
"Kisa?" the man asked once again, there was urgency in his tone. He expected her answer straight away, a Grand was not familiar to the concept of waiting.
She clasped her hands together, rubbing them against each other to channel her nervousness, "This is a big decision. I need time to think, Grand." She bowed her head, hoping that the gesture would reflect that she did not mean disrespect, she just needed more time to think about it.
"What is there left to think about?" he asked in confusion, "Do you not have feelings towards me?" She could sense a hint of arrogance in his tone. He did have the ability to read minds.
She blushed, "Yes, I have. But ..." what about his? Did he also harbor the same feelings towards her?
He put a hand on her cheek and lifted her face so that they saw eye to eye, "Do not concern yourself with it, it's my problem. I would not have asked if I do not consider you as worthy."
Her heart leaped, she had trouble breathing. He would not take 'no' for an answer and a part of her wanted to say 'yes' so badly, but another part of her contemplated. He drew his face closer to her and placed a chaste kiss on her lips, and that was when her defense crumbled.
With a trembling voice, she answered, "I would be honored."
---
"You accepted his proposal?"
"Yes."
"It was not like you."
"I love him."
"But he does not."
"..."
"Kisa, you need to think about this."
"There is no time."
"Why the rush?"
"This is what he wanted, I could not persuade him to wait."
"You still can back away from this."
"No, I can't."
"Why not?"
"I have already given him my word and the preparation has already started."
"I see."
"What do you think about this?"
"..."
"Please, I need to know."
"Does my opinion matter to you?"
"Of course, you are my friend."
"... then I wish you all the best."
"Thank you."
"I need to know something."
"Yes?"
"If you know that he doesn't love you, why do you go along with this?"
"Because I want to believe, Ba'ek."
"In what?"
"That I can make him love me."
~*~
My eyes snap open. This is the first dream that I actually had about myself in a long time. Wait, it's not about me, it's about 'Kisa'. The woman who was lying comatose next door, whose life had been snatched away so cruelly by her own partner and so-called-friend, whose memory I had right now. I hate Hunsa, I despise him, I want to tear his heart out of his ribcage by my own bare hands. How can a man be so cold? How can a woman be so blinded by love? My eyes are moist, NO ... I will NOT let him get to me, he doesn't deserve the tear. I will NOT be broken by him.
"Carter?" a soft voice distracted me from my thoughts. I turn my head to where the voice originated, a concerned look welcomes me; it calms me down somehow. We are snuggled together on a bed, inside one of Ba'ek's guest rooms. I recognized it ... NO, not 'I'. 'Kisa' had spent some nights here. Jack must have brought me here, because the last thing I remember is crying all over him.
"Did I wake you up?" sending him my most apologetic expression, I shift so that my body rested on my side. Using my right arm, I put my elbow on the bed and support my head with my hand.
He looks drowsy, and he rubs his eyes with one of his hands, "Yeah, but it's okay. Your body went rigid for a moment there. What's wrong?"
He woke up just because my body went rigid? Hunsa would not budge even if I left the bed. "I'm dreaming again."
"Yeah? About what?" he takes my left hand and squeezes it gently.
"About me ... I mean about Kisa."
"And?"
"It's the first time that I dreamed about ... her." I tread carefully.
He chuckles a little, "You don't have to push yourself. I know that she still has a strong hold on you, it's alright not to differ yourself from her."
How can he be so understanding? Doesn't he realize what he's doing to me? He makes me want to get back to my old self so badly, to remember everything about him, to make me want him and him only. I know that my feelings for Hunsa are not mine, but it's so real, it's so strong. The only time I forget about him is when I'm with Jack.
Jack ... the name is so strange to my lips and yet it feels right when I say it. He always had that satisfied - very close to smug - look on his face everytime I called his name. And it brings me pleasure, to know that I can inflict such a reaction from him.
"Thanks, but I need to do this. I want to separate myself from Kisa."
He smiles, "Why doesn't it surprise me?"
I returned his smile. We don't say anything for a while, he is still holding my hand and our gazes are still locked. Slowly, I get up from the bed and pull him up with me.
"What ya' doin?" he groans in protest but follows me anyway.
"I want to watch the stars, would you like to come with me?" I head towards the window, letting go of his hand, and I open the partition between the room and the outdoors. Unlike the one I have in my room, the window in Ba'ek's room is not fitted with glass and relatively small. But it doesn't matter, the 'Utama' complex is built on the top of a hill, the whole complex is perfect for stargazing. The stars never cease to amaze me, no matter how many times I've seen them, they always look beautiful.
The now-opened window allows the gentle night breeze to swirl inside the room. I put my arms around myself in an attempt to get warm. A pair of strong arms wraps around me, and I can feel his body resting on my back. I tilt my head back and let it rest on his shoulder, feeling so comfortable in his presence.
"Hey, I talked to your Dad, when you were sleeping."
Dad? Oh yeah, he is in orbit with my other friends on a Cargo ship.
"What did he say?"
"Well, he's obviously unhappy about the fact that you've gone through this, but he wants you to hold on. He's going to search an inhabitable planet in this solar system to hide, the Goa'uld will come here in 5 days time. He doesn't want to hang around when they come. But they're coming back here as soon as they leave."
"Are we going home with them?"
"No, but they just want to make sure everything is alright before abandoning us here."
"I see. Did Ba'ek say anything about how we're going to leave Cayan?"
"Yeah. Through the Stargate."
"Stargate?"
"Well, you called it the Great Ring."
"Oh ..."
"Apparently, they did not bury the Stargate, they have a device to block the incoming wormhole."
"Yes, the 'Sumbat', it's just a small conductor, absorbing all the energy from the ring so that the ring itself will not have enough energy to form the connection. Of course, the energy generated by the ring is very great, so it needs an enormous energy cell to prevent the overloading and ..."
"Ah ... Carter." He tries to cut my explanation.
"Yes?" Normally, I would be very annoyed if someone interrupted my lecture, but there's something about him that makes me smile instead.
"There's one important little thing that you need to know about me."
"What is it?"
"I don't understand a single word of your technobabble. So, no need to waste your breath explaining some very advanced alien doohickey to me."
Despite the use of several terms that I don't understand, I found myself giggling at his comment.
"Yes, Sir."
Sir? What was that? Why did I say that?
"Sir ..." he trails as he repeated my sentence. There is regret in his voice.
"Why did I call you that?" My curiosity gets the better of me.
"Nothing to be worried about now." he quickly dismisses the issue. We lapse into the comfortable silence once again. I concentrate on the black sky, on the glistering of thousands of shining sparkles.
"Jack?"
"Yeah."
"Have you ever heard the stars speak?"
He's laughing at that, and I feign annoyance, "Hey, I'm being serious here."
"Sorry, sorry. I just never thought that I would hear that question from you."
I frown, "Why not?"
"Let's just say that wishful thinking and you don't belong in the same sentence."
"Is that a compliment or an insult?"
"Compliment, definitely, compliment."
"Then why are you still laughing?" I elbow his rib not so gently.
That successfully stops him from laughing, "Okay ... sorry. I'm not laughing anymore, see. Anyway, why do you ask?"
I sigh, dare I tell him about it? I don't want to be laughed at again, "Forget it."
He plants a kiss on the top of my head, "Come on, I promise I won't laugh."
It's very tempting, to tell him everything there is to know about me, so that he could understand me, "Sometimes ... sometimes I can hear them."
"The stars?"
"Yes."
"What do they say?"
"They say 'goodnight' to me."
"Really?"
"Yes. And somehow it helps me. Every night after the incident in the lab ... no, after I got my memory stamped, I always woke up before dawn, looked up at the stars and waited for them to say 'goodnight' to me. It sounds crazy, doesn't it?"
I try to let myself free from his arms, but he tightened his grip, "No, it's not."
I feel that I needed to tell him the reason why, I don't want him to think that I'm strange. "It's just that ... when I waited for them to speak, I had hope. I don't know what for, but it was hope. I'm not out of my mind or anything, but it's the only time when I don't feel alone."
"I understand, more than you know I understand."
That surprised me, I turn my head so that I can look directly into his eyes, "You do? How?"
***
Jack stared at the confused blue eyes. It never crossed his mind that their little encounter that night could imprint so deep inside her memory. But it gave him a glimpse of hope, she remembered her past more that she knew. He smiled at her.
"Because every night I send a message through the stars."
Her eyebrows raised, "You do?"
"Yes."
"What's the message?" she appeared to be genuinely interested.
He lowered his head, nudging her head to be back to its original position, facing the sky. He put his mouth as close as possible to her ear without touching it and whispered softly.
"Goodnight."
She was stunned at first, he knew that she was making the connection. After a few seconds, he could see her smile, but it was a sad one. And then a single tear fell down from her eye. That shocked him. He spun her around so that they were facing each other.
"Carter, what's wrong? Is it something that I said?" his voice was full of worry.
She covers her face with her hands.
"I want to remember, Jack. I want to remember so much it hurts. But I can't, no matter how much I try." She was shaking. He couldn't help but pull her into his arms.
"Shh ... don't worry about it. You'll get it back. Don't beat yourself up over this." He ran his hand up and down her back. Five years of his time with Major Carter and he counted himself lucky if once a year he caught her crying, but two days with 'Kisa' and he caught her crying once a day. He could not wait to get back to Earth.
"But it's not fair for you."
"What do you mean?"
She drew her hands away, "I can't believe that I'm so selfish. I don't have a memory of you, of us. Are you saying that it does not hurt you? It's easier for me to deal with this because I don't remember. But what about you?"
Jack looked at the woman in front of him, she was upset because she thought that he was hurt. Trust her to worry about someone else when it was really her that needed attention.
"Carter," he put his hands on both sides of her face and forced her to look him in the eye, "You trust me even though you have no memories of me. It meant more than anything."
"Really?" she blinked her eyes. She was uncertain, but Jack was determined to let her know that he was more than alright.
"Yes. I don't care if you don't get your memories back. We can always make new ones, we can make them even better than the old ones. With the whole castle, white horses and the shining armor thingies. I could always endure a little bit of clichés now and again for you." He shed her tears and pulled her back inside his arms. She was chuckling despite the tears.
After she managed to calm down, she looked up to him, "Jack."
"Yes?"
"Make love to me."
to be continued
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