Part 14: Time
Er ...
What did I just say?
...
Did I really just say that? How can I be so stupid? Saying such a thing.
But I couldn't help it, those words just kind of ... slipped from my tongue. I have to take it back. I have to apologize ...
"Carter" The way he calls me stops me dead on my train of thought. His voice is calming, caring and full of tenderness, but it doesn't fool me; he was disturbed by my request.
I want to say 'Forget about it', I want to say 'I didn't mean it', I want to say 'I was just joking' I want to say 'Don't worry', I want to say 'Sorry', I want to say 'You don't have to do that'; there are a lot of things that I wanted to say. But I cannot say it, because those are lies. And I could not lie ... not to him. Instead, I found myself waiting anxiously for his answer.
His eyes are clouded with fears and qualms, searching for something inside of me. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and then slowly shakes his head. When he opens his window of his soul, I find a determination there - a reassurance of a past promise, he puts his hands on my arms and holds them tight, "Only God knows how much I want you ... " and I thought I could not possibly love him anymore, he just proved me wrong. As soon as my hope gets high, he continues, "but not like this."
Not like this? What was that suppose to mean? I should've been angry, I should've been upset, Hell, I think I'm even entitled to slap him. But the look on his face just makes me realise something. Before I can comprehend the inkling, my heart yells 'because he wants *her*, not me.'
I cannot help but be jealous of 'her', of the woman that he loves so much, of the person that he highly spoke about, of the relationship that they had, and of all the times that they had shared. Suddenly I feel really lost, who exactly am I? I'm not 'Kisa' and I'm not 'Carter' either. I lower my head and bit the inside of my lower lip. He *does not* want me. I need to clear my head and get over it.
The need getaway from him makes me step back and try to break our contact. "I need sometime on my own," I say as I push him away with my arms and turn my head to look at anywhere but him. The grip on my arms tightened, he is hurt and confused by my action, I know that. Although I take no pride on the fact that it was me who did it, I cannot bring myself to comfort him either, he is not the only one who is hurting.
"Please," I plead to him in a weak voice, I'm not even sure that he can hear me. It cannot be more that a few seconds, but it feels like eternity when he finally releases his hold on me and walks quietly away from the room. As soon as the door closes, I make a move towards it. My forehead is leaning gently to the wooden partition while my hands do just the same. I feel like the air is being sucked out from my lungs.
I'm tired of fighting an unseen battle. I'm tired of feeling uncertain and unbalanced. But most of all, I'm tired of being unwanted. Hunsa did what he did because he doesn't love me, Ba'ek did what he did because he doesn't think that I'm worthy enough as a friend, and Jack ... he said what he said because he doesn't want me. I know he didn't do anything terrible to me, but I couldn't help but convict him with the same crime as what the Grands had committed. The crimes of playing games with my heart and for making me feel worthless. However, I don't hate him ... I can't.
I hate myself.
***
Jack stood with his back against the door, arms crossed, eyes closed, head tilted back. He wanted to say 'yes', he wanted to show her how much she really meant to him, he wanted to touch and kiss her senseless, he wanted to make passionate love to her, he wanted to hear her say his name in a breathless voice ... but he couldn't. Not if they were going to regret the decision. He knew that he was being unfair to her, but he had to be cruel to be kind. He just hoped that she would understand and forgive him.
Not that he deserved it.
He put both of his hands to cover his face. Guilt and despair washed over him. He hadn't told her *everything* about their relationship. He was afraid that if he told her about the regulations that stand between them, there would an invisible distance between them. He enjoyed it when her soft voice called him 'Jack', when she looked at him with desire in her eyes, when she was not hesitated to show him her emotion, and most of all he enjoyed it when she let him protect her. He took pleasure in her lack of memory.
"God, what have I done?" he said to himself in the darkness of night.
He was being a self-centred ignorant, egotistic jerk, and he knew it. It seemed like harmless indulgence a few moments ago, but now, he had to pay the price. He had made her suffer. Something that he swore he would never *ever* do. He mentally kicked himself.
"I hate myself."
***
Five days had past. Slowly.
Day by day I spent my time building a wall for my emotion. Jack and I didn't discuss that conversation again. I guess we have that silent agreement that it was a 'closed' subject, the one that should never have been brought up. Somehow, I find it easier to do just that, to pretend that it never happened. Of course, we aren't as close as we were before that night.
But time does funny things to people, it changes them, I don't blindly trust him now. I took what he said as a reference of some sort, I realised that I had only his words. He knows me, that was for sure, but is he the man he claimed to be? Is he as sincere as he appeared to be?
Time also make me think. I can't stay in Cayan, there were too many heartaches here. I can't trust Hunsa and Ba'ek anymore, and the same can be said to the rest of the population. I'll take my chance and go back to 'Earth', to where my family are. And I'll just decide what my next step will be then.
Ba'ek told me that in order to erase the memory stamp, all I have to do is just skip the treatment that I have to receive every 20 days. My next treatment is in 6days time, I'll be on Earth by then. So it shouldn't be a problem. He also said that my real memory will resurface gradually, while Kisa's will fade as the result. That suits me well. I just want to get back to my normal self.
Jack and I spent those 5 days inside Ba'ek's house, safe from the search party that Hunsa had assembled. Ba'ek is a Grand after all, they wouldn't dare to search his house without strong evidence. Although Ba'ek said that he had tried to convince the other man that we - Jack and I - had left Cayan with Dad's ship, but Hunsa didn't want to believe that. And I never expected him to do otherwise, he is smart. I guess he knew that there was no way that I could get onto that ship. Not when it was still in orbit.
Sometimes, I slipped into the room where Kisa laid and forced myself to stare at her lifeless body, to convince myself that 'Kisa' is history and that it is only her memory that I have in my mind. The ache was vivid, but each time I did that, it is easier to look at her as another woman. The more I can identify myself as someone else. Someone else but 'Kisa'.
Jack caught me once. I was in the room, standing next to the bed when he came in. I guessed he was looking for me. He said nothing and I wasn't crying, he just put his arms around me and rocked me gently. He understood. But of course, we never brought up this matter as well.
So, we are strangers once more, speaking to each other only when it was deemed necessary. Even then, the words were carefully tailored. I was afraid the he would hurt me once more and I guess he felt the same.
Ba'ek noticed the change as well, I knew it from the way he looked at me. There was sadness in his eyes, and he apologized once more in his own way. I think I don't hate him anymore now, I came to my senses and see the bigger picture. He is a leader, he had to set aside his own feelings and made a hard decision. And I had to admit, if I'm not the victim, I would have had no objection with his action. I just wished that he didn't keep it as a secret.
It makes me shiver, the thought that I could be so malicious. As long as it was not done to me, I feel OK with it. I let out a sigh.
If I were in his shoes, I would do the same.
It just shows me how hypocritical I really am.
No wonder that Jack doesn't want me.
***
The whole city was in an eerie silence, the Cayans were waiting restlessly for the attack to come. The Goa'uld's mother ship was spotted approaching their orbit last night. It should've arrived by now. Hunsa stood in front of the big windows in his room. The exact same window where the 'new' Kisa had used to watch the stars before dawn. He never let her know that he was watching her all the time.
She was his and he had to keep an eye on what was his.
Hunsa let his mind wonder, unlike most of his people, he felt safe. He had full confidence in Kisa ability. The Tamen was working and they were protected. Suddenly, there was red lightning on the blue sky. The attack has begun. There was no sound, just flashes of red light from above. The red streak on the sky travelled south and then after a while it dispersed into a giant magenta blemish on the sky, before it completely disappeared.
Hunsa was a man who appreciates art, and he considered this as a masterpiece. The effect of the attack on the force field was absolutely stunning. A scenery that no man could have ever created. There was another strike from the Goa'uld. Another red lightning, another blemish, another picture of perfection. Hunsa enjoyed the excitement that built up in his stomach. A feeling that always been there since he saw the first Goa'uld attack.
He still remembered it clearly. He was merely a boy, his father -- who was also a Grand at his time was with him watching the attack. The effects were always different every time, his Father said that it was because the Goa'uld used different weapons for each time. His Father had made him promise to do anything required to keep the Tamen working, it was the only way for the Cayans to survive. He took his Father words by heart. Even though in his young age, Hunsa had already been taught responsibility.
It was *his* responsibility to protect his people.
It was *his* responsibility to keep the Tamen working.
It was *his* responsibility to do everything to make sure that he accomplish his purpose.
It was *his* responsibility to keep this work of art from extinction.
That was why he ordered the 'Havus' at the first place. Although his conscience sometimes woke him up at night, he had to do it. Kisa was his partner, he had chosen her carefully. The partner of a Grand had to be intelligent and respected. Even though she was an orphan, she earned her place in the high class society. She was the perfect woman for him, the one that could serve and add something more to his vision. He had missed her company, but it wasn't something that he couldn't handle.
Time flew by, the attack had stopped. The sky was back to its natural undisturbed blue color. Hunsa lingered in his place, knowing that the thrill was still running in his body. He let the sensation wash over him. In the distance, he could hear people cheering. The Cayan had made it though.
Thanks to him ... and Major Carter.
He had to find her, he knew that she was still here somewhere in Cayan. Ba'ek had speculated that the Cargo ship that had came 6 days ago was her people trying to safe her and they had succeed. But Hunsa knew better, the ship couldn't penetrate the shield and there was no space ship in Cayan. She couldn't have been in that ship when it had fled from Cayan's orbit.
She was still here and he had to find her and keep her here.
No matter what.
***
Jack's eyes were still on the sky. He was laying on his back with his sunglasses on -- to protect his eyes from the sun, on the rooftop of Ba'ek house. The attack had stopped but he couldn't tear himself apart from it. From a far, he could hear exclamations of relief and joy. And it was his Major that had made it possible. He was partly glad of all this.
She saved the world, again, albeit that it wasn't their world, but Cayan was still a world. The thought made him smile. Some things never change. She saved them, she made the force field generator thingy work. That's it, finished, the end, full stop, close the curtains. She had done her part. Tomorrow, she would be back on Earth, where she belongs. He would personally see to it.
And then he would make things right ... for her sake.
***
to be continue
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