Part 17: Life Worth Living

I lay awake.

Just lay there and stay still. I don't want to think about what happened; it is over. However confused I am, no matter how intriguing it may sound, regardless of how happy it would make me, I don't want to think about it. Some people may think that it is cruel, cold-hearted and malicious, but I don't care. A man said that he loves me ... love ... an over-used word that can mean everything as easily as it can mean nothing.

All my life I've been searching for that, not the word; but the affection, the attention, that particular something that can make me feel special, the things that make me realise that in one man's eyes I am his world and that his world would revolve around me. Me only. I always thought that if someone was capable of doing that, then I would be able to love him back. If someone could make me feel wanted, I believed I could reciprocate.

I was wrong.

And not for the first time, I may add.

Knock knock

My head rises up a bit to look at the source of the noise, the door.

Knock knock

I manage to sit up on the bed before I shout, "Come in."

The door opens.

"They told me that I would find you here," the man that has just entered the room approaches me and then seats himself right next to me.

His presence brings comfort despite the buzzing feeling, it must've been because of the symbiote that he has, "You must be her Father."

"Yes," I am greeted with a warm smile.

"Hi," I can't think of anything better to say.

He chuckles, "I guess I can understand why you asked for this room."

I am in one of the VIP rooms, they offered me her room, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. "It would feel wrong."

"Jack doesn't think so."

There's something in the mention of that man that makes me react, "Jack ... sometimes he saw me as her, sometimes I was just a stranger."

He pats my shoulder gently, "Don't worry about that Kiddo, he gets confused easily."

***

"Where's Jacob?" Jack asked to no one in particular. He was still in the infirmary, being subjected to Janet's and her nurses' TLC-- and has for the last 6 hours. Albeit, the first 4 hours were spent in his unconscious state, but it didn't change the fact that he was bored already.

"General Carter is with Major Carter," Teal'c answered. He and Daniel had not left his friend's side since the Colonel had regained consciousness, eager to hear about his time in Cayan. Jacob had gated through an hour earlier after he received the news that his daughter was already safe back at Earth. He visited Jack first in the infirmary, wanting to know everything that had happened on the planet.

"How is she?" he asked tentatively, he couldn't imagine what it must've been like for her. Daniel had informed him earlier about what Ba'ek had done, and Jack had a pretty good idea on what the Cayan Grand would face for his assistance in their escape. He liked the younger man, and he knew that Carter - and therefore Kisa - liked him too.

Daniel wiped his glasses, "She's a bit zoned out."

"Zoned out?"

"Yeah, she asked to be left alone. I couldn't talk to her; I don't want to make her more upset than she already is. I'll try again later on though."

"Upset?"

"Major Carter appeared to experience a traumatic event," Teal'c reply came out solemnly.

Jack stared at the ceiling, she did go through a lot. And he did not do his best to make things easier for her, either. "Doc," he greeted when he saw Janet enter the infirmary, "are you finished with me now?" Jack couldn't wait to get away from the room, the infirmary was not one of his favorite places in the SCG.

Smiling at his antic behaviour, Janet replied, "Well, I think the sedative that the Cayan gave to you doesn't have any side effects, but I want to keep you on the base for the next 24 hours. Just to be on the safe side."

"Great," Jack then hopped off the bed and headed towards his quarters to get changed, he was still wearing the clothes from Cayan. Before he was completely out of the infirmary, Janet called for him, "Sir ..."

He turned around to face her, "Yeah?"

She fished something out from her pocket, it was a small black box, "When I examined her, Sam gave me this. She said that Ba'ek wanted you to have it."

Jack took the box from her hand and stared at the object for a while. He knew what it was, Ba'ek had showed him once.

"What's that?" Daniel was, as always, curious of anything. Meanwhile, Teal'c didn't say anything, although Jack knew for sure that he was as fascinated as Daniel, the difference was that the big Jaffa never showed it publicly.

"It's something similar to our tape recorder."

"Perhaps Grand Ba'ek had something personal to inform you, O'Neill," Jack smiled at Teal'c's tendency to point out the obvious.

"I guess you're right. Listen, I'll be in my quarters if someone is looking for me," Jack informed his team members.

"Don't forget that the General scheduled a debriefing at 08.00 tomorrow, Jack," Daniel reminded him.

He nodded silently and left the infirmary. Once he was out of sight, Daniel sighed.

"Is there something troubling you, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c turned his attention to the archaeologist.

Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose, "I just hope everything will turn out alright Teal'c. That Sam's memory will come back and she'll be the person that we once knew."

Janet couldn't help but ask, "What do you mean Daniel?"

"I ... I ..." Daniel stammered, and then shook his head, "I don't mean anything by that. Just forget that I said that Janet."

Janet and Teal'c exchanged a worried glance, and they realised that even though they managed to get home, it was not over yet.

"We'll be there for her Daniel, no matter what happens," Janet touched his arm in an attempt to reassure him, and in some ways, herself.

"Indeed."

***

Jack was feeling refreshed, the hot shower and the change of clothes had relaxed his tired mind. He was drying his hair with a towel when he caught a glance of the black box on the table. He couldn't remember the name of that device even if his life depended on it. But he knew what it did.

He threw the towel in the direction of the growing pile of his dirty clothes and seated himself on a chair. He played with the box for a while. Finally, he activated the recording by running his fingers on one of the sides, just as the Grand once showed him.

~*~

Hi Jack.

First of all I must say that I'm sorry for doing this, but I have no *better* choice. I know how far you would go to make sure that both of you go back home safely and I couldn't allow that. Kisa will tell you what will happen to me, but you're smart, I'm sure that you have already figured it out by yourself. So I'll make it quick.

Please, don't think of me as one of your failures. Don't think of me as one of your mistakes. Because if you do, then I failed myself because I can't make you see that I would do anything to help you. Just as you would have if you were in my position.

I've only known you for a little over seven planet cycles, but you changed me a lot. You would sacrifice yourself to get people that you care about to safety. No matter what the cost. That is what I'm trying to do. Besides, it was my fault that all of this occurred.

When I first sensed you, I envied you, you know that? Because your ... feelings for her are so strong, so committed, that it terrified me. How can a man have such capacity to do that? But then you showed me how to do just that. To love someone. You taught me how to be a better person, how to be a better leader, how to appreciate life, how to make a decision and stick to it, and most importantly, you taught me how to stand on my own feet.

Thank you. For being my friend.

~*~

The box was long abandoned. He had heard what he needed to hear. A friend, his friend, and most importantly a good man's life was forfeit, and for what? A rule that was made a thousand years ago, a rule that could easily be altered if the people who held it did not linger in their ancient traditions and pride. Didn't they realise that time changes everything? His anger surfaced. He needed to fend it off, it wasn't healthy to keep it bottled up inside. So he headed out for the gym.

***

Knock knock

My head rises at the sound again. I don't want to answer it, but I need to do something, I have to be occupied, so that I don't have time to think. Reluctantly, I walk to the door and open it. Standing in front of me are Daniel and Teal'c, my other team mates. They introduced themselves back in the 'infirmary', but I wasn't in the mood for conversation.

"Ah ... may we come in?" Daniel asks carefully, as if he was afraid to bother me.

"Please," I stand aside and let them in before I close the door again.

I can see that Daniel is nervous, and there is a warm and gentle aura around him that makes me want to smile. Meanwhile, Teal'c is a picture of calm, his hands are behind his back; although I have the similar buzzing feeling that I get when I near the naquada, he makes me feel safe.

"What can I do for you?" I walk to my bed and sit on the edge while they just stand in front of me.

Daniel clears his throat, "We're here to tell you that if you need something or anything, just let us know."

"Thanks, but I'm afraid right now there's nothing that you can do for me," I assure them.

"Very well Major Carter," Teal'c answers me.

"Ah, that reminds me of something. I do have a favour to ask from you."

"Name it," Daniel is enthusiastic.

Smiling sadly, I tell them, "Please call me Kisa until Major Carter's memory comes back."

"But ..." Daniel starts to protest, but I am quick to cut him off, "Please, don't make it more difficult as it already is," I pause, "you only have to do it for the next two days."

"Until the time Major Carter's memory resurfaces?" the bigger man asks me with tenderness that touches my heart.

"Yes."

"Then we will do so," he promises. Daniel is about to say something when Teal'c puts his hand on his shoulder. Somehow, I expected that to happen, that Daniel would show a bit of resistance to my request and Teal'c would be the one who would convince him. Those are the people that *she* knew, the friends that *she* had.

I made the right choice.

***

Jacob found him in the gym almost two hours later, still haven't given the punching bag its rest. He eyed the man from afar, there was no one else in the gym. It was almost midnight, and the only sound inside the gym was Jack's gloves meeting its target.

He's angry, *very* angry, Selmac observed.

Yes, he is, Jacob agreed. He leaned against the wall and waited.

What are you waiting for? his companion asked.

Mentally, Jacob gestured towards Jack, For him to calm down.

Five minutes passed in silence, and Selmac was getting impatient, How long do we have to wait?

As long as is necessary, her host answered blatantly.

You really like this man, don't you? there was slight accusation in the Tok'ra's tone.

I can't help it. He saved my daughter's life more than once, Jacob tried to shrug it off.

But his other self didn't believe him, Jacob, don't lie to me.

Jacon was still watching Jack beating the bag with the same force as he had when he first saw him. He admired the other man's stamina, or maybe it was his fury that drove his body, but there was sadness in the way he moved.

Jacob, his symbiote called him once again.

Jacob apologised inwardly for his lack of attention, You see that man? He might have a faulty mouth and bad manners. But he's a damn good friend. He'll be there if you ask him to. He even went to Hell, literally, if I may add, for me. I just want to be the kind of friend he is for me.

Selmac wondered at her host's words. The Tauri were definitely different from the Tok'ra. Both kinds were loyal, but while the Tok'ra were loyal to their community as a whole, the Tauri were loyal to each individual even more, creating a strong bond. Something that the Tok'ra could learn from their ally. But it woudn't be that easy.

The Tok'ra way of life could not allow it as it might interfere with their mission. It was alright to sacrifice one Tok'ra life to archive their goal to increase the possibility of succession; meanwhile the Tauri would not let that happen unless there was absolutely no other choice. They take chances, chances that sadly the Tok'ra did not have the luxury to have.

We could always try to start making chances, Jacob reminded her gently.

She sent him a smile, We could.

"ARGH ..." there was a cry from Jack, he had sent his final blow. And then Jacob watched his body slump onto the floor and stay there.

Are we going to approach him now? Selmac was curious.

Give him a moment to get his breath back.

You're the boss.

***

"Hi Jack."

Jack opened his eyes to see Jacob staring down at him. He was on his back on the gym's floor.

"Jacob," he then pushed himself up to a sitting position. Jacob joined him on the floor a few seconds later.

"How are you?" Jack could hear the concern from his voice. And strangely, it didn't bother him.

"To tell you the truth, I don't know," he started to pull off the red boxing gloves from his hands.

"Want to talk about it?" the offer was generous, but he couldn't accept it.

Jack put the gloves away, took his towel and started to rub his sweaty face and body with it, "I don't know what to talk about."

"Then can I ask you a favour?"

"Sure."

"Talk to Kisa."

Jack shot the older man a look, "Are you saying that she really isn't your daughter?" He had his own share of doubt. Carter hadn't acted like herself since the memory stamp, but sometimes she was like her old self.

Jacob fixed his eyes on the punching bag, "I don't know Jack. But she asked me to call her Kisa and I respect her wish."

"Damn," the curse couldn't come out at a better time.

A hand patted Jack's back, "She needs someone to talk to. From what she told me, she was as close as you to that guy."

Jack stared at him, so Jacob knew. He told Daniel and Teal'c about Ba'ek, but not in great detail, he thought that it was better to wait until the debriefing. When he was collected and ready. "I'll do that."

"Jack."

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"What for?"

"Bringing her back."

***

The silence is nice. He was never good with words, I know that. That's why his presence is as comforting as it is. Jack came around 30 minutes ago and other than exchanging 'hi' greetings, we haven't talked about anything else. We just sat on the bed.

Mourning.

For Ba'ek. Our friend that deserves so much more than this. There is nobody to put in a coffin; no flowers to be put on his grave; no mention of his courage, love and kindness; no ceremony to remind us about his life; and no tears to shed. But somehow we - Jack and I - know that this is what he wants more than the things I just mentioned. Two friends that he gave his life for to mourn for him. To let him know that he is missed and our life would never be the same without him.

Memories unfolded in my mind. The first time I met him was when I was just an assistant to the previous Tamen's keeper and he was a new Grand. He was so curious like a little boy, everything new would excite him endlessly and I found myself drawn to him. Our friendship was the one thing that I treasure a lot in my life, his opinions were important to me, his compliments were essential.

I still remember clearly when I was ill a few years back, before my joining, it was nothing serious, but the fever kept me from leaving my bed. He was at my bedside all the time, caring, nursing me back to health. His sweet and tender affection brought so much joy to my life. I loved him as my protector, my brother, my only family, and in some strange twist of fate ... my everything. That was why I was so devastated when I knew about the 'Havus'. I couldn't understand how he could do that to me. I don't even think that I would of reacted so strongly if it was only Hunsa. In some ways I trust him more that I trust Hunsa. But I don't love him as a man, never did and never would.

Not even after he told me that he loved me.

"Hey, you're crying," Jack's voice brings me out of my train of thought.

"Can't help it," I tell him truthfully, not making any move to wipe it.

"It's okay to cry, come here," I find myself safely in his embrace, wrapped in strong and soothing arms.

And I cry and cry. To let Ba'ek know that I care about him, even though it is not in the way that he cares about me.

---

"I heard that you want to be called Kisa," Jack states absent-mindedly, but I know that it is just a facade.

"That's who I am," I had stopped crying. I feel so tired, I had never realised that crying took so much energy.

Jack doesn't say anything, I guess he still believes that I am his Major Carter. "Personally, I don't know who I am anymore. But it's better this way. Less confusion," I try to explain it to him.

"Oh ..." that is all he says.

"And I want to make the best of what I have left."

"Huh?" his eyebrows are drawn closer, accompanies by a puzzled expression.

"Two more days before my memory fades. I want to make the best of it. So ... I'm not going to think about who I really am or what could have been if I did this or did that. I just want to live those days to be me. No confusion, no decisions, no regrets. I just want to be me. Just me."

Jack closes his eyes and sighs, "I understand."

"Thank you."

---

Daniel and Teal'c are really sweet; they helped me in anyway they could. Jacob - as I couldn't bring myself to call him Dad - and General Hammond were also very helpful, they took me to a nice restaurant on my first day. They told me stories about their families and friends, showing me some parts of Colorado Springs that are beautiful. And Jack, well, Jack never left my side, really. He was making sure that I was taken care of.

And on the second day, we had a picnic in one of the parks not far from the base. The commissary's cook had supplied us with a *lot* of food. Almost all the SGC's personnel who were off-duty on that day came and shared their day with me. It touched me, on how they really cared about me. Jack told me that they only came for the food, which I knew wasn't true. I acknowledged in the back of my mind that they did it for Major Carter, but it was still nice.

Two days of me. I don't see it as a luxury nor an aridity. I don't see it as a gift nor a punishment.

Two days of me. It's all I wanted and I have it.

Janet had insisted that I should be in the infirmary when the memory was due back, she said that the experience could be traumatic and no one argued with her assessment. That is why I'm laying on one of the beds now. She has connected me to every machine available in the infirmary. We can not be too sure, she said, and no one dared to say otherwise. She can be so scary if she wants to be.

I take a look at the people around my bed.

Janet, Jacob, General Hammond, Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c. They are here for her.

I cast a last glance at Jack. At least he is here for me. As a friend and nothing more. I can live with that. As Ba'ek had.

I can feel my head spinning; I know that the time is drawing near.

I lived my life.

Now it's her time to live hers.

TBC

AN: As I told my beta-reader, one more part to go ... YAY. Thanks for all of you who had been so patient with this. Please do send reviews and feedbacks.

blue-topaz@lycos.com

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/