Author's Name: The Lost Weasley

Story Title: Adventures in Fanfiction

Pairings: Eww, what isn't there? R/G, H/N, F/G…don't ask.

Rating: PG-13, Language and disturbing thoughts

It was a cold night in early February, and Aaron was sitting at his computer, checking away messages for lack of a better thing to do, since he's a loser like that.  He came across Nicki's away message and felt compelled to IM her in response, even though he knew she wouldn't get it for a while.  Her away message went something like this: "*brandishes her wand* IMPERIO! YOU WILL LEAVE ME MESSAGES!".  In response, he left a note something to the effect of "Can't resist…leaving messages…because I am not Harry Potter…YET."

Nicki read the message after hockey practice and rolled her eyes. Yes, that's right. She considers her computer to be human enough that it understands what rolling eyes mean.  She's also co-dependent on her computer, but that's a story for another day.  She sighed as she came off away, and immediately started fending off IMs from her mother, while IMming her crazy friends Maggie and Andrea, and joined the always-crazy chat room inhabited by Lozzy, Lozzie, Ashley, Amanda aka Mandaaaaaaaaaaaa, Cat, and Bri.

Lozzy IMed Nicki separately.  The conversation went something like this:

Lozzy: Pssssst.

Nicki: What?

Lozzy: Guess what?

Nicki: You've recovered from your Weasley fetish?

Lozzy: Lmao. No. I'm visiting Pomfret!!!

Nicki: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

So Nicki rejoiced in the good news, and called Andrea, even though her mother hates Nicki.  And she told Andrea the good news, and Andrea said that she and Aaron would come visit, as long as they could find someone to drive them from the train stop in Providence.

"Oh my God! Cat lives in Providence! You could hang out with her until Ashley comes to pick you up!"  Nicki had been waiting for this day to come, so she had already made arrangements with Ashley, who would take her car to pick the three of them up.

The plans were almost complete. All they needed was a way for Bri, the Floridian, Lozzie, who lived eleventy billion miles away, and Manda, who lived in good 'ol Pennsylvania, to come chill at Pomfret.

Once Ashley arrived with Cat, Aaron, and Andrea, Nicki borrowed Ashley's car and drove to Pennsylvania.  She was damn determined to get Manda, no matter what it took, because she was the president of the Manda Fan Club.

She found Manda's house and snuck in, then decided to take the whole bed with her, because Manda's bed was sexy, just like Manda.  When she put Manda's bed in the trunk of Ashley's car, Lozzie, the co-president of the Manda Fan Club, popped out her head, and with her awesome Australian accent, said:

"G'day, mate!"

Her mission accomplished, Nicki drove back to Pomfret, where she decided to go check her mailbox to see if Lozzie's letter had gotten there yet.  She found a "you have a package" slip in her mailbox.  She went to the Business Office.

"Hi, I'm here to pick up my package, here's the slip and my Pomfret Card."

"Your package is big. Do you want to open it here?"

"Sure."  Nicki opened the package, and out jumped Bri.  "BANANANANANANANANANANANA!!!!!!"

"Pickle!"

Nicki grinned.  "Come on, everyone else is in the Common Room. Let's go!"  They ran to the Arcades Common Room where everyone else was hanging out.  They walked in to find Justin flirting with Ashley, because he's a major player like that, and a sexy one to boot.

"Okay, Justin, OUT. Go hook up with Nina or something.  Ashley's taking us out."  The whole lot piled into Ashley's and Maggie's (who had appeared while Nicki was opening Bri) cars and went off, when Lozzy pulled something out of her bag.

"This is uber-special, it's from Canada.  It's goooood."  So the group sat down and started drinking the uber-special Canadian drink, until they couldn't remember that they were in Cowtown, USA.

So they all passed out in Ashley and Maggie's cars, and woke up the next morning.  Something was different, though.  Lozzy was the first to notice it.  She squealed.

"Guys, I'm a REDHEAD!!!"

Maggie chimed in next. "My ass is unbelievably sexy!"

Nicki looked at Maggie's posterior and slapped it.  "Sexy motherfucking ass, you got there…" she trailed off.  "…Wood?"

"And you. You...you're not smart enough to be Hermione."

"Apparently I am."

"Eww.  I always thought Nicki would be Blaise, or Pansy, or something," Cat…erm…Draco…said.  "Haha, ugly brown hair."

"Guys?" Andrea was hiding behind a tree.  "I'm…FAT!"  The corpulent figure of Neville Longbottom peered out from behind the tree.

Nicki held in a laugh.  "Poor, poor Andrea."

Lozzy jumped for joy.  "I'm Ginny!!!"  She immediately grabbed Lozzie, who had become Ron, and started passionately kissing him…erm…her?

Ashley had taken on the familiar dark form of the third year DADA teacher. "There will be no Ginny/Ron slash in this fanfic, because I have decreed it so."

Nicki/Hermione jumped in.  "But I am the wonderful author of this fic.  I promised that Lozzy would get her incestual moment.  So…the two Loz's can continue snogging, and you," Nicki pointed to Bri, who had become one of the two Weasley twins, "Go find your other half.  Lozzy is interested in some hardcore twincest…not that I'm not."

Maggie/Oli, meanwhile, had somehow gotten hold of a mirror and was now examining his/her butt in the mirror.  "Damn, my ass is sexy!"

Manda, having turned into a Gryffindork Chaser by the name of Angelina Johnson, pouted when Bri, now determined to be George, went off to find and snog Fred, so she decided to join in the slapping of Maggie's now-uber-sexy ass.

Then Cat/Draco, because she's cool like that, screamed.  "STOP THE FIC!"  All the characters assumed their normal IRL selves (except Lozzy, because she's never normal, since she's Canadian).  "Listen.  What good is an incredibly sexy Draco without a Harry to torture?"

Aaron looked pissed off.  "I was getting to it.  Now shut your trap and continue the fic."  So the fic continued, and all was good in the world.

Aaron/Harry came up behind Nicki/Hermione and wrapped his arms around her.  "Hey, baby, what's shaking?"

Hermione slapped Harry away and spun around to face him.  "You little bitch! This is Nicki's fic, and she is NOT! I REPEAT NOT! A Harry/Hermione shipper! When you write your OWN fanfic, then you can have us hook up. THERE WILL BE NO ME SNOGGING YOU!!! GET IT?"

Harry walked away, muttering about "the bitch" under his breath.  "Fine, I'll just go be all angsty and slashy with Draco."

"Stop fic."  Hermione became Nicki again, and she grabbed Aaron.  "Listen, this is still my fic. I can kill Harry right now and you'll never exist again. Get it?"

"Bitch."

"Bite me."

"Chomp."

"Insult. Not invitation."

"Chomp again…retaliation, not stupidity."

Their ritual finished, Nicki grinned.  "Start fic."

With the fic back to normal…or at least as normal as normal can get in a group of twincesters and one fan of R/G.  Bri/George came back, Fred in tow.

"Who is this Fred dude? He says he knows Blaise."

"Must be Fizz. Meh. Snog him."

Fred sputtered in surprise, when Nicki stopped the fic just for him.  She whispered in his ear, "You know, she's a girl when we're not drunk on this scary Canadian stuff."

"I was worried."

"You should be."  The fic continued.  Fred and George had their little encounter, while Ginny watched everything.  After the fornication, Ginny turned to Ron.

"I'm horny now.  Want to go fuck?"

"You're direct."

"Oh, come on. It's not like you don't have unrelieved sexual tension."

"And it's all because of her!" Ron pointed at Hermione, who grinned in response.

"I would, Ron, but quite frankly," she smiled a little, "A: Ginny seems perfectly happy to take you, and B: Me and Angelina are trying to get Oli's eyes unglued from his ass.  Check back later."

Lupin announced in a great booming voice, "Get off to classes or the two houses represented will lose many, many house points."

The troupe sighed and trodded off to their first class of the day, all together, because Nicki felt like it.  The class was Charms.

Everyone took their normal seats.  Oliver and Angelina sat together.  Fred and George sat together.  Ron and Ginny sat together.  Harry and Hermione sat together, but Hermione wouldn't talk to Harry.  Neville was stuck sitting with Draco, the lone Slytherin.

Professor Flitwick started class.  "Now, today, we are going to be learning a charm that will clean anything you want…yes, Mr. Wood?"

Oliver stood up.  "My ass is sexy. Would you all like to look at it?"

"Quiet, Mr. Wood.  Ten points from Gryffindor."

Oliver muttered and sat down.  Angelina hit him in the arm.  Fred and George were at it again, snogging in the back.  Harry wrote something across Hermione's paper: "Hey, wanna hook up after class?" 

Hermione wrote back: "Stay out of Nicki's plot."  Verbally, she muttered "Bitch."

"Slut."

"Whore."

"At least I get paid." Harry grinned.  "What now?"

"I'm doing a public service.  I don't need payment."

"I did NOT need to hear that."

"It's your own damn fault for meddling in the plot."

"I just think a little Harry/Hermione action would stir up the plot."

"Well," She stood on her desk, "I think a little Harry/Neville action would be good, how about the rest of you?"

There was a rumored murmur of assent, and Hermione got up and put Neville in the seat where she had been.  She sat down next to Draco.  "Wow. You're sexy."

"And you're a filthy mudblood."

"Goddamn, I think I'm not going to get any action this story.  Thanks, Nicki."  Nicki grinned evilly behind the keyboard, because Hermione has never been one of her favorite characters.  Hermione turned back to Draco.  "Fine.  I'll just stare at Wood's ass.  It's not like we all don't do that anyways."

Oliver stood up and did a little dance.  "Hell yeah, you do, because my ass is SEXY! And you all want it!  Especially my dear darling Chaser and Seeker!"

Harry looked behind him.  "Eww. No.  I'll just…umm…Hermione! Get over here!"

"How many goddamn times do I have to tell you!  That is NOT the plot! I will end up with Ron as soon as Ginny has her incestual way with him, unless Nicki decides to be nasty and have me get with Lupin, and then you will end up alllll alone, snogging Neville.  Muahahaha."

Nicki snapped out of it on her computer.  "Shit. What am I doing?  Harry and Neville…I need to stop drinking those Red Bulls."

So, the troupe walked out of DADA, Lupin in tow.  Ginny pulled a drink out of her bag.  "Hey guys, my mum sent these from home.  She says they're this Muggle thing called…ermm…something or other.  I don't know, they're good, try them."

Everyone popped open the something-or-other (henceforth to be known as Gatorade), and they all drank it. 

"Nicki Martin!!! Wake up!"  Nicki opened her eyes.  She was in the back of Ashley's car, in Manda's bed with Manda and Lozzie.  Ashley was in the drivers' seat, Bri was in the passenger's seat, and Lozzy was in the back seat.  Maggie was poking Nicki with a stick, with the faces of Aaron, Cat, and Andrea surrounding her.

"I'm up, I'm up.  What?"
            Maggie did her little-kid pout.  "My sexy butt is gone!"