A/N: I know, there was an even larger gap between chapters this time, but what can I say? It's been a busy New Year! Well here we go again, more emotion, more angst, but I thrive on it! Thanks as always to Sorrow. There were some great spelling errors in this one! Well, hope you enjoy!

Shameless plug alert! Sorrow and I started a new DA posting board! It's all ship friendly and we welcome everyone with open cyber arms and witty comments! So come and check it out if you haven't already done so! http://sorrow.hyperboards.com/index.cgi

_______________________________________________________________________

Chapter 13 - Comfort and Rest

"I thought you said you weren't hungry."

Max walked into the eating area slowly, fear of the certainty she was going to mess this up starting to take hold. She'd paced the training room for what seemed hours, until Joshua finally took her aside again and calmed her down. The wait for him to speak seemed to be so long and Max suddenly realised that if she didn't return the oxygen her lungs so needed, she was going to black out in front of him.

Alec looked up from the half empty macaroni and cheese dish, his fork tapping on its edge. He was bitting at the side of his mouth, unsure whether to speak or just hope if he stayed silent, she'd disappear. He wasn't ready for another round. His mind was tired and he didn't know how much more of her he could take.

Max moved across the room and straddled one of the steel chairs lined across the table. She took the fork from Alec's hand and dug into the cheesy substance. She shoved as much into her mouth as possible and spoke through spraying pasta, hoping a little humour would lighten the situation.

"It'shhh, shnot that bad."

Alec avoided her gaze and pushed himself up off the table, grabbing his jacket as he went to leave.

"Alec-"

Max coughed as the macaroni caught in her throat. Alec turned to her, but not really looking at her. She managed to swallow the food before talking again.

"I'm sorry!"

She cursed as she coughed again. The hacking sounds making her apology sound far from sincere.

"I didn't mean to blame you."

Alec finally made eye contact with her. Max wished he hadn't.

"Yeah you did Max."

She saw the tiredness in his eyes, the utter exhaustion and it nearly broke her. She had caused this and she truly never meant to. She just didn't know how to cope.

Alec stepped forward tentatively, shaking his head softly and shrugging his shoulders.

"And I guess you kind of have a right to."

Max shook her head as he spoke, but he wasn't looking at her.

"It was my fault. I did the broadcast and White got pissed and took it out on Logan."

"No."

Max cut him off.

"I ok'd that broadcast. I thought it was a good idea. Logan's death," she took in a deep breath as the words she just spoke travelled to her ears. "It wasn't your fault."

"And it wasn't yours either."

"I know."

She managed to make that sound convincing enough, at least she hoped she did.

The room fell silent as they awkwardly avoided each others eyes.

"I'm sorry."

Max didn't know if she could say those two simple words enough. She had been such a burden to him over the past week, but she didn't know how else to be. She new her mood swings were a major cause of his tiredness, but she was just so confused.

Alec slowly returned to the table and took a seat. Max eventually followed suit. Again silence fell, but it wasn't entirely uncomfortable. It was fitting for the situation and the conversation they were about to have.

Alec tapped his knuckles against the table top, Max's eyes shifting to the movement. She was slightly startled when he finally spoke.


"I know you want me to train you in the way we were back at Manticore, turn you into one of those soldiers, but I won't."

Alec looked at her slowly, unsure whether to make eye contact or to keep his eyes to the floor.

"Why?"

Max spoke softly. Deep down she could understand the reasons, but her stubbornness gave her the need to hear it.

"Because it was so different Max. To what you learnt and before you say anything, I know as a 10 year old kid all that training and brainwashing sucked really hard, but-"

"When you got older it got a whole lot worse."

He nodded slightly to her.

"You remember Seek and Destroy?"

Max nodded, visions of Manticore flooding back, bringing memories of Ben with them.

"Well as you got older, the rules changed. Slowly the groups you moved with got smaller. Ten of you, six of you, two of you and finally you have to do it alone. The first time, it's a rush. You're just a kid and you're really not sure what you've done. But as you get older the rush becomes colder and you know exactly what you're doing. You stand there, watching this person who thinks that they're going to finally be free, while all the
time knowing that at any moment, you're going to have their blood on your hands."

Max's breathing became shaky as he spoke. Her eyes closing momentarily as she felt him recount his steps. His eyelids flickering as the pictures resurfaced from their hollow tomb, buried deep in his mind. But not deep enough.

"Still, making you do it yourself wasn't enough for them. They needed us cold, heartless even. We had to be ready to do what ever they told us."

She gulped as she waited for him to reveal what was coming. But she wasn't ready when it came.

"All the pre-pulse movies are always saying 'no women, no children'. I guess Manticore never paid much attention to that idea. There were women and children. Whimpering as they ran from you and whaling as you held them down."

A tear ran down Max's face.

"And that was only the beginning."

He looked at her again, his eyes stained red as the memories thrashed across them. Max reached her hand over to his, squeezing it lightly.

"I'm so sorry Alec. I just...I didn't know."

"And you shouldn't have to, nobody should."

They sat in silence for a while, until Alec finally stood and paced the room. Max turned to watch him go back and forth, finally speaking up.

"But you do Alec. You have known these things."

Alec stopped where he was, his face blanking and his eyes zoning to memories he wished would stay away. He let out a long sigh and turned to Max once more.

"And that's what makes it so scary."

"Makes what scary?"

Max wanted to be sure she was following his every step. This was untamed ground and Alec had been there for her all week…longer. She had to be there for him now, even if she didn't know how.

Alec took a seat next to her, his head low, hands interlocked as they rested against his knees, eyes looking to the ground.

"That you can do that to yourself." he motioned towards the training building "You've been out the longest Max. I know being taken back in there must have been horrible, but you were only taking part in the basic manoeuvres and it was just three months. Three months out of eleven years of being out. If you can fall back, if you go back there, then what hope have the rest of us got?"

"I'm not going back Alec."

He looked up at her with clouded, exhausted eyes.

"How can you say that when not one hour ago, you were doing everything you could to get back there?"

Max's seat squealed as she dragged it closer to Alec. She reached out her hand once more and placed it on his, squeezing it again.

"Because I have my friends. Both you and Joshua. Neither of you would let me go back. You proved that tonight."

Alec dropped his eyes to the floor and slowly closed his eyes.

"I am you know."

His eyes open slowly as he spoke the words, his free hand reaching for the top of hers.

"What?"

Her question was soft and sincere, something Max rarely expressed.

Alec lifted his eyes once more, making sure he had contact with hers.

"Your friend."

Her grip on his hand tightened as a gentle smile moved across her face.

"I know. And I can't tell you how much I thank you for that."

Silence filled the room once again. Though this time it was almost comfortable.

"About the kiss Max."

Alec didn't know why he mentioned it. They were having a comfortable moment of peace and he was about to ruin that and possibly receive a beating, but something told him to get it out there. To explain himself. He was surprised when Max cut him off.

"It's ok."

He rose an eyebrow in confusion.

"No, it's not. I didn't even realise I-"

"It's ok Alec." Max lowered her head and widened her eyes, being sure to get his full attention. "Joshua told me about your nightmares."

Alec shyly gulped. His eyes searching the room for something to focus on.

"He said he used to hear you during the night, that he went to check on you and you did the same to him."

Alec's eyes shot to her in shock, his mind playing back the nights he'd spent at Joshua's. The shock only lasted thirty seconds, the smirk on Max's face giving the game away, a smirk he could have sworn she stole from him.

He lightly punched her in the arm.

"I'm going to kick your ass!"

***********************************

"It's interesting isn't it?"

Sandeman stood before White, Ray in between them. He had his hands resting on Ray's shoulders and held him just out of Whites reach.

"Interesting how the tune of a song changes when you add something new to the mix."

An almost devilish grin moved across Sandeman's face. He was enjoying taunting White like this. Watching him squirm as Ray looked blankly toward him. Sandeman knelt down to the boy and turned him to face him.

"You know who that man is don't you Ray?"

The young boy nodded.

"My father."

"Yes that's right and what have we learnt about your father?"

"That he's bad and he's weak."

Sandeman shifted his head slightly, so that White could see his eyes peering from Ray's side. When he saw White lunging himself forward, he swiftly moved Ray behind him. Though not as swiftly as he'd hoped, he was after all an old man, but he still had a few tricks up his sleeve.

The fact that he had obviously surprised White with his character had certainly worked in his favour. He knew that White would have heard the stories about the kind and gentle Sandeman. But every son should know that all fathers have a dark side. Darth Vader or not.

"Uh uh uh Ames, we'll have none of that thank you."

Sandeman was mocking in his tone, causing White's blood to turn to lava and it was ready to erupt.

"What have you done to my son?"

White screamed through gritted teeth.

"Ames, I developed a co-vert operation that built and bred the perfect humans, remember. A little thought manipulation is not beyond me."

"They're not human!"

"Ah, what's a little animal DNA here and there? It makes them supreme."

"It makes them filth!"

"But drinking snake blood, giving a test that kills hundreds of children, even the possibility of your own. That's as human as they come."

Sandeman's voice dripped with sarcasm as he rolled his eyes at the grown child that stood before him.

"You were one of them once, you did it yourself!"

White felt like he was made of glass and any minute he was going to crack. He didn't want Ray to see that. God knows what Sandeman had done. How he had tainted him.

"But I got out Ames. For my child."

"I was your child."

"And I tried to save you."

Sandeman stared at White for a moment. Did he just express an emotion other than rage?

He knelt down to Ray and whispered quietly in his ear. The young boy nodded his understanding and moved towards the door. White moved after him, but Sandeman put a hand out. Just as Ray reached the door, he turned and looked at White with innocent eyes.

"Good bye Father."

The door opened and Ray was gone.

Sandeman felt the heat escaping White's collar.

"You will see him again Ames. I promise you that."

Sandeman placed both his hands on White's shoulders, gripping them tightly.

"But you have to decide whether that will be face to face, or through glass."

***************************************

"I've been a real rollercoaster of emotions lately haven't I?"

Max and Alec both sat on the floor of the dinning hall, side by side, backs and heads resting against the wall. They had been sitting there for over an hour, occasionally muttering a few words, but mostly staying quiet and feeling the comfort of one another's presence.

Alec rolled his head to the side, looking at Max and taking in her question.

"Understandably."

Max's face scrunched as she copied Alec's previous movement, her head rolling against the cement wall, her eyes contacting his.

"That's it? One word?"

"Well I thought it summed it all up pretty well."

She shrugged her shoulders.

"Would you like me to elaborate?"

Max awkwardly nodded her head.

"I'll take that as a yes. But remember, you asked. I was happy to go with one word."

Max grinned slightly and shook her head. She was supposed to be feeling so down right now, but he had managed to pick her up. It was only so slightly, but she was grateful all the same. It was just a shame that she didn't let him in on that. Though sometimes she thought he knew. They had a bond between them and it didn't need words. Although sometimes, just sometimes, talking a little more might stop them from getting into so many fights. Though with Max's foot permanently living in her mouth when she was around him made her think otherwise.

"Understandably you've been a rollercoaster of emotions Max. But hell, that's what life is. It takes you on these exhilarating highs, that make your heart jump into your throat and you stomach fall into you feet. Then suddenly you thrashing downward faster than you can imagine and your heart gets crushed back into your chest and everything becomes heavy and you're not sure if you're yourself. And as if that's not enough, it takes you on these twists and turns, throwing you from side to side and when you finally come to a stop, all you feel is numb."

Max sighed at the perfect analogy.

"I wish that I would feel numb."

Alec turned his body around, and lent his side against the wall. He drew his foot out to meet Max's and tapped it softly. She looked down to the gesture and imagined if she wasn't so tired, she would have burst into tears.

"You're at one of those downward points Max. When it feels like someone is sucking every last breath from your lungs. There'll be a ways to go until the numbness and when it comes, you'll just jump back on the ride and go another round."

She looked up from his tapping foot. When did he get so insightful? Perhaps this was one of those layers Joshua had talked about. Inside the tricks and treats.

"Are you sure you didn't get out of Manitcore before me?"

Alec moved his head up and gave her a puzzling look.

"Sometimes I swear you handle the outside better then I do."

Alec mockingly laughed at the statement and turned his body, so his back was against the wall again. He leant his head against the cement and rolled it from side to side, his laughing and sighing mixing as one.

"Aah Maxie, if only that was true." He continued to laugh, this time moving his gaze to the ceiling. "God knows the therapy I'd need just for the things I've done outside of Manticore, let alone inside."

He closed his eyes hard, trying to force all the images that were trying to force their way out of the sealed section of his mind. A seal that split open ever night and engulfed his mind, only to close when he managed to pull himself out. Alec used to be a sleeper, but not anymore and that day had added to the pressure on that seal. God knows what would happen if it was all to tear at the seems. He knew it would be worse then what Max tried. Much worse.

He felt a hand move to the side of his face and it startled his eyes open. At that moment everything suddenly stopped and Max would never be able to fool him again. He knew she cared and that simple jester confirmed it.

She moved her hand down his cheek and continued until it rested on his shoulder. When she spoke, it was so soft and so tender that he thought his mind was playing tricks. But it was real. So real.

"Maybe you should talk about it? About Manticore? Maybe it would help."

He looked down at her, the corners of his mouth moving, but a smile never forming.

"Yeah, maybe."

Max moved her head inward, sure to have complete eye contact with him.

"And you'll know I'll be there. Just like you've been for me."

Alec took in a deep breath and moved his arm around Max's shoulders. He drew her to his chest and rested his cheek in her hair. He had made this exact gesture once before and it had made Max feel so safe and this time was no different.

"I know you will and I'll always be for you. Always."

Max let herself relax against his chest, her head moulding into the crook of his neck. Alec shifted his hand around her waist, sure to be gentle with his movements. Together their eyes grew heavy and their breathing slowed until the slowly drifted into slumber.

This was what they needed. Comfort and rest.