DISCLAIMER: If you recognize it, it probably belongs to JK Rowling, and
definitly doesn't belong to me.
Lily dropped the glowing silver blossom into the boiling golden liquid dramatically. "Let the moon and the sun come together," she intoned. "Let the past and future meet to show me what is meant to be." Using her wand, she pushed the floating flower to the bottom of her cauldron.
Maybe the cloying vapors had finally affected her, or maybe the jolt of electricity that shot through her wand was what did it. The visions came rushing at her. She was laughing with Amos, Sirius and James. She was dancing jokingly with Amos as James and Remus crooned an old torch song from the top of the Gryffindor table in the middle of lunch. She was arguing with James about something silly. She was kissing James, but she knew she had never kissed James. She was feeding the stag a carrot. James surreptitiously placed his hand on hers in the middle of transfiguration. She was dancing with James at a ball. James was staring deeply into her eyes, but he was kneeling on the floor for some reason. She was bouncing a baby with James's messy hair and her green eyes.
Lily pulled her wand out of the cauldron as though it had stung her. The spell was meant to show one or two visions of your true love, not a montage sequence. James was the person she was meant to be with. Did everyone else know that? Amos suspected. Maybe that was the reason James pushed her so hard to try this spell. What was the vision of the stag doing there? Why were Amos, Sirius and Remus in some of the visions? Lily wondered if she should talk to Professor Metoki about her visions, even if it did mean risking a rebuke for performing a high level divination without the consent of a professor. There was no way James could be her soul mate. She didn't even like James anymore. Well, she liked him, the same way she liked Remus or Sirius. They were pals, occasionally jerks, but always there when you needed them. She couldn't actually kiss any of them, though. Not the way she kissed James in her vision. Not the way she kissed Amos in real life. She certainly couldn't do anything with him that would result in a baby. It would be practically incest!
"Hey Lily," Elizabeth bounced into the bathroom. "Are you ready for breakfast?" Lily was practically in tears. "Oh, my god, are you okay?"
Moaning Myrtle was laughing. "The pretty girl's potion apparently didn't proceed as planned," She called from the sink she was sitting in.
"What's it to you, Myrtle," Elizabeth shot back. "What happened, Lily?"
"Do me a favor," Lily asked anxiously.
"Sure," Elizabeth replied, prepared to do almost anything.
"You didn't find me here today. Whatever you think I was doing, keep it to yourself. Don't even speculate. I'm sick today, I don't want any visitors. Tell my professors anything you like. Keep this to yourself too, but I especially don't want to see Amos or any of the Marauders. I'll be fine, and I'll see you all tomorrow, but I'm going back to the dormitory now, okay? Okay. Well, I need to clean out my cauldron first." Lily was babbling, but it was enough for Elizabeth to catch the drift. Something had seriously upset her, and she needed time to think. That was fine, Elizabeth would steal it for her. It wouldn't even be that difficult.
"Lily, honey, did you forget, it's Saturday morning. It is about ten o'clock, you weren't in your bed when I woke up, and I've been scouring the castle for you since then. I remembered you telling me this was the perfect place to work on potions in secret, so here I came." Elizabeth smiled. "Go on back to the dorm, I'm sure you can figure out how to get there without anyone seeing you. I'll bring you up some breakfast and make sure no one bothers you."
"Thanks, Beth," Lily smiled. "I don't deserve you." Then Lily started to cry again. "I don't deserve anyone," she mumbled.
"If you aren't in the room because you decided to go to the Hospital Wing, I'll understand." Elizabeth said softly, leaving the room.
"I don't love James," Lily said to herself, not forcibly, just factually. "I know this. I gave up on him a long time ago. I am in love with Amos, and I am cleaning up my cauldron." With that said, she cleaned her cauldron and managed to navigate the halls to the Fat Lady without running into anyone she knew.
Muttering a prayer under her breath and the password aloud, she entered her common room. Luckily, none of her friends were lounging in their usual places. She kept her head down and made her determined way to the girls' dormitory. Five steps up, she heard her name being called.
"Lily, what's up?" James was hopping over stuff to get to her quickly.
"I don't feel very well, James, I'm going back to bed."
Now that James was closer, he could tell Lily was sick. She looked terrible. "Alright, I guess you're not going to Hogsmead this morning, then. I hope you feel better in time for the Halloween feast tonight. After all the trouble we put into helping plan it, it would be a shame if you missed it."
"Right," Lily whispered to herself, "It is Halloween. Shit. What time is it?"
"Ten-fifteen," James answered, looking at his watch.
"Do me a favor, Amos will be at the portrait hole in fifteen minutes to pick me up. Tell him I'm really sorry, but I feel awful and can't make it today. No, wait, not you. Get anyone else to tell him, please?"
"Whatever you say," James said, noticing how close Lily was to freaking out. "I'll come up later to keep you company."
"Oh, God, no, don't do that! Go to Hogsmead, have fun, I'll be fine. Blow up a toilet or steal Snapes underwear or something." Lily turned suddenly, knowing the longer she spoke with James the closer she would come to breaking down. She practically sprinted up the stairs. Luckily, James was pretty certain she was going to throw up, and as worried as he was, Lily had made it abundantly clear that she didn't want to see him just then.
James asked Remus to tell Amos that Lily was ill. Remus was a trump and didn't even ask James why he couldn't. Remus simply went out to wait on the other side of the Fat Lady. A few minutes later, he came back in and said that he had notified Amos and there was concern, but no hard feelings. James nodded to acknowledge this and continued to stare at the stairway to the girl's dormitory.
When Elizabeth came in with a tray of food, James ran up to her, startling his friend into almost dropping everything. "I don't think she'll be able to eat any of that," James said, "but let me take it up with you. I feel really bad for not following her when she went to throw up, but she'd just said 'Good God, no' when I offered to keep her company."
"You spoke to her," Elizabeth asked. "Shit, that was one of my jobs, to keep the boys away from her. She told me she can't deal with the Marauders right now. I can manage to take the tray up by myself."
"Okay then, I guess, but tell her that she should go to the Hospital Wing. She really should be at the Halloween feast. Oh and tell her that I got Remus to talk to Amos, who hopes she feels better later." James tried to think of anything else that he could say that would be remotely helpful, or maybe make Elizabeth reconsider letting him come up, but he couldn't.
"Will do," Elizabeth said. "Now would you mind moving out of the way?" Once James leapt aside, Elizabeth swaggered across the common room and up the stairs to see Lily.
"You okay, honey?" she inquired, noting the closely drawn curtains around Lily's bed.
"I'm afraid so," came the croaked reply. "I'm not sick in any event."
"Do you want to tell me what is wrong?"
"No. And don't start to press me either, please, I just absolutely do not want to talk about it."
"Okay then. Amos sends get well wishes, as does James who added that you deserve to be at the Halloween feast."
"I don't deserve anything," Lily whispered. "So you were the one who talked with Amos?"
"Nope, apparently Remus did. I'm sure he sends get well greetings, too, James probably forgot to mention it, I was a little short with him, but your tray was heavy. I even managed to get you a piece of pie out here if you want it. I was going to try for ice cream, but it was quicker to just go to the Great Hall. I've forgotten where the picture of fruit that you're supposed to tickle is. We'll have to get James to show us again."
"That's okay, you go," Lily said, obviously not listening to her friend. "I think I'll take a nap."
"Alright, Lily, but your pie will get cold if you leave it sitting there for too long."
"Pie," Lily asked, her voice almost perking up.
"Yes, darling, I brought you a piece of apple pie. I hope you like it." Elizabeth sighed and left the room, hoping that Lily would feel well enough to get out of bed and eat something. As it turned out, Lily was adverse to people, not moving, at the moment. As soon as the door clicked shut, she sprang up and tore voraciously at the food, gulping pumpkin juice in between bites of the turkey sandwich. The pie was absolutely delicious.
Once she finished eating, she realized that she was in no mood to study or read or sit around and mope. She needed someone intelligent to talk to, but she couldn't face any of her friends right now, or anyone who knew Amos, or anyone who might tell him anything. This left her pretty firmly out of options, except Hagrid; Lily realized she hadn't gone to visit Hagrid yet this year, and he would be the perfect person to talk to.
Lily was glad she stored her broom in her room. If it meant facing the Gryffindor Common Room again, Lily wasn't sure she would have left, no matter how anxious she got. She flew all of the way to Hagrid's hut, where she propped her broom against the wall and knocked politely.
"'Ello there, Lily, what can I do yer for?" Hagrid beamed down at her.
"I was wondering if you had time to visit. James was the one who talked to you about the giant pumpkins, and I never got a chance to thank you for them. They are magnificent. I mean really beautiful. Happy Halloween, by the way."
"'Appy 'Alloween yerself," Hagrid said with a smile. "Would yer like a cuppa? I just put the kettle on."
"That would be splendid, Hagrid," Lily said with a smile.
"Now, why don' yer tell me wha' I really owe this visit to," Hagrid asked. "If yeh'd come any other day, I might not 'ave asked, but it's 'alloween, why aren't ye' i' the village wi' yer boyfriend, Amos."
Lily lost her nerve, and couldn't bear to talk about Amos, so she made up a subject. "Actually, I did have something to ask you. I know you go into the forest a lot as gamekeeper, and I was wondering if there are a lot of stags in there. If you can keep a secret, I saw one on the grounds the other night while I was trying to catch the Marauders playing a prank. It seemed really tame, and came right up to me, so I went back the next night and fed it an apple. I was wondering if it was a pet from the village that escaped or if the stags in the forest were just like that."
"Ah don' really know, Lily. There are stags I' th' forest, Ah can tell yer tha' much, but they've never come up ta me. There is one weird one, though, I don' know wha' ye'll think o' this, but sometimes, usually when th' moon is full, Ahv seen this great big stag runnin' or wrestlin' with two wolves. Ah only ever see them from afa', so Ahm never really sure o' wha' Ah saw."
"That's interesting, another data-point about my mysterious stag. I'm pretty sure they're the same animal, after all, how many abnormal stags can there be in one forest?" Lily smiled. She discussed her Care of Magical Creatures class with Hagrid for a while, he was always a good source for reference when she wanted a point of view a little different from what Professor Kettleburn taught. Then she excused herself, saying she'd see him at the Halloween Feast if he decided to come.
Lily still didn't feel like going back to her room, but there really wasn't anywhere she could go and not run into people, so she decided to fly through the Forbidden Forest to clear her head. She would have done laps around the Quidditch Pitch, but knowing her friends, at least one person she knew would be there practicing. Lily wouldn't be surprised if the Gryffindor team had a practice scheduled, considering the way James worked his team. So she zoomed in, just under the canopy, dodging around tree trunks at high velocities. Then she slowed, and just flew through the forest, which didn't look nearly as ominous in the day light, although little enough daylight reached the forest floor. There was something comforting about being able to tilt up and be out of the forest within seconds any time she wanted, and there was no fear in her heart.
"Christ James, would you stop staring at the stairs," Remus nearly shouted. When Sirius and Elizabeth looked at him in surprise, he lowered his head in embarrassment. "Sorry," he said. "But James, Lily is probably asleep. She is not going to come down the stairs at any moment, and she doesn't want to see you, so there is nothing you can do. Why don't you play chess with me, or we could go to Hogsmead? It isn't too late."
"Nah, I'm groovy," James said, not listening to his friend at all.
Sirius noticed what Remus was talking about, then, and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Hey," he said, getting James to turn and face him. "Why don't you go for a run? It will only take you half an hour, so you should be back before she wakes up. I know it will calm you down and give you time to think."
"Alright," James said. He got up and left the common room without a word.
"I'm almost as worried about him as I am about Lily," Elizabeth said softly.
"He'll be fine the second she is, love."
"Do you reckon he's in love with her," Elizabeth asked.
"For quite a while now," Sirius answered. "He told me himself, to his credit. It would be more to his credit if he would tell Lily, but that is beside the point."
Lily saw Prongs galloping through the trees ahead of her. "Prongs," she called, speeding up. To her surprise, the animal stopped immediately and looked at her. She landed a few feet away from him.
Prongs stamped his foreleg and tossed his head in what was obviously a gesture of anger, although Lily didn't understand what he was angry about.
"Hey, boy," she said soothingly. "It's okay, it's just Lily." She let her broom fall and walked slowly toward him, her hands raised and empty. "You know me, right? We're friends, remember? That's it. Good boy." Slowly she stretched a hand out to touch his neck, which he allowed. She pet him gently, and he allowed it for a little while.
Prongs took a few steps away from Lily and looked at her with his big, brown eyes. Lily guessed she was meant to follow, so she said "Up" to call her broom to her hand and followed him. They walked together, side by side, Lily carrying her broom, and occasionally stroking Prongs' back.
"I wonder if I could talk to you about something, Prongs," she asked. "Although I have no idea where you are taking me, I guess that doesn't matter. I have a problem Prongs, and it has to do entirely with your namesake." Prongs didn't object to this line of discussion, which Lily felt was invitation enough to continue. "You see, my problem is that I am not in love with James Potter." Prongs stopped walking very suddenly.
"What is wrong, Prongs," Lily asked, concerned. "Do you smell a predator?" Prongs started walking again as though nothing was wrong, so Lily continued. "As I was saying, I finally did that spell you helped me find components for, and I saw the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Don't ask me why I saw you instead of him when I first looked into the mirror, I still don't understand that. I'm really still very confused about you, Prongs, but that pales next to my current dilemma."
"I've found out that James Potter is my perfect match. Now, I've no idea how he feels about me, I've always just assumed neither of us wanted to be more than friends. Now I wonder, though, because he was really rather pushy about me doing the second soul mate spell. Well, not really pushy, because he knows that's the least effective way to get me to do something. I'm not making any sense. I'm sorry for babbling. The problem is I really think I'm in love with Amos Diggory. He is my boyfriend. If you promise not to tell, he's the only real boyfriend I've ever had. Back in fourth and fifth year I 'dated', but those 'relationships' were maxed out by the second week. Amos and I make sense. We have loads of shared interests; even Potter admits that our life would be perfect together. He tells me he loves me, and I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
"I promised Amos I wouldn't do the soul mate spell because he was afraid I would see James. I went against that promise, and his worst fear was confirmed. James is the man I'm supposed to be with. I couldn't dump Amos with that. That would be the worst possible thing I could do to him, baring use the Crutiacus Curse or something equally illegal. He is so insecure already, I could never dump him. I don't think I could even break up with him. I think I love him. No, I know I love him." Lily ran her hand over Prongs' back gently. "Maybe I'm not in love with him," she whispered. "Oh god, what if I don't love him." Prongs stopped to rub his head against her shoulder and nuzzle her cheek.
"Thanks Prongs," Lily said softly. "I'm just incredibly confused right now. I can't talk to any of my friends. They are all either too close to James or friends with Amos. They all have their own opinions, you know, and I need to figure out my position. If I'm not in love with Amos, then I've never been in love and I don't know what it's like. How are you supposed to know love when you feel it," she asked as they continued walking. "I mean, what I feel when Amos and I are together is great, I feel warm and happy and safe, but what if there is something even better that I could be feeling with James, only I don't know about it because I've never been with James. Am I just with Amos because I don't know what the alternative is?"
They entered a pine grove, down right peaceful for the forbidden forest. Sunlight lanced down at them and there was plenty of open space to run. "Beautiful," Lily exclaimed. "Is this your home, Prongs," she asked, sure that it was. Prongs led her to a bed of soft brown needles that he lay down on. She sat next to him and stroked his fur.
"I'm not sure if I wish I knew how James felt or not. I mean, if I knew James had no interest in me at all, I could just stay with Amos and be happy. If I knew that he liked me or had a crush on me, though, I don't know what I would do. I mean, I know I don't love James Potter. That is the one thing about this whole mess that I am absolutely sure of." Lily sighed and leaned against Prongs' back.
She sat up suddenly. "Actually, that answers one question fairly clearly. I'm not in love with Amos. I mean, if you're wondering whether or not you're in love, you probably aren't. Does that make sense? I don't care if it makes sense. I'm not in love with Amos Diggory or James Potter. That said, I don't think I want to date either of them right now. I've been dating Amos for so long, I'd forgotten that just being single was an option," Lily laughed at herself.
"Thanks, Prongs, you're the best listener I know." Lily didn't laugh when she said that, and she brushed another kiss on the stag's cheek. She then got up and got on her broom, making the stag get up. "I have to go sneak back into Gryffindor Tower before anyone notices I'm gone, boy. Maybe I'll come find you after the Halloween Feast. If not, I'll come out tomorrow night, okay?" With that, Lily zoomed above the trees and back through the open window of the tower. She put away her broom carefully and closed the window. Her tray had already been taken away by some kind house elf, so she had nothing to do but go downstairs and face her friends. First, however, she brushed her hair so it wouldn't look like she'd been flying.
***
Sirius had apparently been right to suggest James go for a run. He returned to the common room looking almost cheerful, far better than his friends had hoped. Actually, when Sirius sent him out, he hadn't expected to accomplish anything more than having James out of his hair for half of an hour. James said hi to everyone, and sat back in a chair, nominally playing chess with Remus, but he had a half smile on his face, and he checked the girls stairwell every thirty seconds or so.
Lily descended that staircase much sooner than anyone would have guessed she would, only ten minutes or so after James returned. James, apparently, had been right to watch for her, because he was the first one to see her. He did not bound over to her like Elizabeth guessed he would have, but simply walked up to her and asked her how she was feeling.
"Much better, thank you," she replied with a polite smile, "I think I just needed some time to myself to rest."
"I'm glad that's all," James said with a grin, as Elizabeth ran over to Lily and gave her a bear hug, with Sirius attacking her from the other side. "Apparently, everyone was worried about you."
Lily looked a little uncomfortable about this, but she smiled broadly at her friends. "Well, nothing to worry about," she said easily. "Glad I don't make it more of a habit to sleep in on Saturdays if this is what it would be met with," she laughed.
"Its just after noon, shall we go to the Great Hall for lunch," Peter suggested, coming down from the boy's dormitory where he had been studying. No one had told him Lily was sick, so he made no comments on her recovery.
Amos had apparently gone to Hogsmead with his Hufflepuff friends, because the small group of Lily's friends who entered the Great Hall were the only students over third year beside for one or two on duty prefects. Lily was incredibly grateful for that because she knew it wouldn't be fair to act like a couple with him while they were in a group when she was planning on breaking up with him. So she ate lunch happily with her friends, who remarked with giggles that she seemed to be replacing everything she'd thrown up.
After lunch, Lily went to the library with Elizabeth to do homework and the Marauders went back up to their room to discuss their big Halloween plan. Instead, as soon as the door was closed, James spilled everything Lily had told him when he met her.
"So what are you going to do," Sirius asked.
"Do," James asked, honestly surprised. "I don't need to do anything. She's probably going to break up with Amos, then she's bound to eventually fall in love with me. We're perfectly suited to each other, remember, so as long as she continues to consistently see my charming self, she'll fall for me."
"Merlin, you're such a Hamlin," Peter exclaimed.
"A what, Wormtail," James inquired curiously.
"He means Hamlet," Remus said with a smile, "and as it was his parents who took us to the play in the first place, he should know that. It means indecisive. It's a character from a Shakespearean play."
"Um, I think I take offense at that, you prat of a rat."
"Maybe you should, but it's true," Peter stated staunchly. "You are just going to sit back and let your uncle rule your fiefdom."
"Jesus, Pete, did you sleep through that entire play," Remus asked with a laugh. "He does have a point, though, James. You can't count on the fact that Lily will just fall for you while you're acting as friends. You need to make a little effort. Remember, the odds that you're going to be thrown together after we graduate are slim, so you really only have about seven months. Sure you'll see her after that, but not anywhere near the amount she sees you at Hogwarts, and if you can't get her to fall in love with you before then, you may very well lose her forever."
"Okay, okay, point grasped," James laughed. "What would you have me do, though, I can't turn on the charm the second she dumps Diggory. Do you know what kind of a skeezy prat that would make me look like?"
"The kind of prat that goes after vulnerable girls," Sirius said, banging an imaginary buzzer like he was on a muggle game show. "Can we talk about the plan now?"
"I still can't believe we got three of them," James laughed.
"I'm not sure three is enough," Peter said with a frown. "I mean, they do get weaker around that many people. I wonder if anyone will get a good scare."
"Well, we don't really want to ruin the Halloween feast for anyone, just scare a few folks. Dumbledore will probably figure out what they are in a few seconds." Remus smiled. "He probably already knows the plan. We weren't exactly subtle about stealing Professor McGonagal's chest."
"We won't know until we have a go, now will we," asked Sirius.
Lily dropped the glowing silver blossom into the boiling golden liquid dramatically. "Let the moon and the sun come together," she intoned. "Let the past and future meet to show me what is meant to be." Using her wand, she pushed the floating flower to the bottom of her cauldron.
Maybe the cloying vapors had finally affected her, or maybe the jolt of electricity that shot through her wand was what did it. The visions came rushing at her. She was laughing with Amos, Sirius and James. She was dancing jokingly with Amos as James and Remus crooned an old torch song from the top of the Gryffindor table in the middle of lunch. She was arguing with James about something silly. She was kissing James, but she knew she had never kissed James. She was feeding the stag a carrot. James surreptitiously placed his hand on hers in the middle of transfiguration. She was dancing with James at a ball. James was staring deeply into her eyes, but he was kneeling on the floor for some reason. She was bouncing a baby with James's messy hair and her green eyes.
Lily pulled her wand out of the cauldron as though it had stung her. The spell was meant to show one or two visions of your true love, not a montage sequence. James was the person she was meant to be with. Did everyone else know that? Amos suspected. Maybe that was the reason James pushed her so hard to try this spell. What was the vision of the stag doing there? Why were Amos, Sirius and Remus in some of the visions? Lily wondered if she should talk to Professor Metoki about her visions, even if it did mean risking a rebuke for performing a high level divination without the consent of a professor. There was no way James could be her soul mate. She didn't even like James anymore. Well, she liked him, the same way she liked Remus or Sirius. They were pals, occasionally jerks, but always there when you needed them. She couldn't actually kiss any of them, though. Not the way she kissed James in her vision. Not the way she kissed Amos in real life. She certainly couldn't do anything with him that would result in a baby. It would be practically incest!
"Hey Lily," Elizabeth bounced into the bathroom. "Are you ready for breakfast?" Lily was practically in tears. "Oh, my god, are you okay?"
Moaning Myrtle was laughing. "The pretty girl's potion apparently didn't proceed as planned," She called from the sink she was sitting in.
"What's it to you, Myrtle," Elizabeth shot back. "What happened, Lily?"
"Do me a favor," Lily asked anxiously.
"Sure," Elizabeth replied, prepared to do almost anything.
"You didn't find me here today. Whatever you think I was doing, keep it to yourself. Don't even speculate. I'm sick today, I don't want any visitors. Tell my professors anything you like. Keep this to yourself too, but I especially don't want to see Amos or any of the Marauders. I'll be fine, and I'll see you all tomorrow, but I'm going back to the dormitory now, okay? Okay. Well, I need to clean out my cauldron first." Lily was babbling, but it was enough for Elizabeth to catch the drift. Something had seriously upset her, and she needed time to think. That was fine, Elizabeth would steal it for her. It wouldn't even be that difficult.
"Lily, honey, did you forget, it's Saturday morning. It is about ten o'clock, you weren't in your bed when I woke up, and I've been scouring the castle for you since then. I remembered you telling me this was the perfect place to work on potions in secret, so here I came." Elizabeth smiled. "Go on back to the dorm, I'm sure you can figure out how to get there without anyone seeing you. I'll bring you up some breakfast and make sure no one bothers you."
"Thanks, Beth," Lily smiled. "I don't deserve you." Then Lily started to cry again. "I don't deserve anyone," she mumbled.
"If you aren't in the room because you decided to go to the Hospital Wing, I'll understand." Elizabeth said softly, leaving the room.
"I don't love James," Lily said to herself, not forcibly, just factually. "I know this. I gave up on him a long time ago. I am in love with Amos, and I am cleaning up my cauldron." With that said, she cleaned her cauldron and managed to navigate the halls to the Fat Lady without running into anyone she knew.
Muttering a prayer under her breath and the password aloud, she entered her common room. Luckily, none of her friends were lounging in their usual places. She kept her head down and made her determined way to the girls' dormitory. Five steps up, she heard her name being called.
"Lily, what's up?" James was hopping over stuff to get to her quickly.
"I don't feel very well, James, I'm going back to bed."
Now that James was closer, he could tell Lily was sick. She looked terrible. "Alright, I guess you're not going to Hogsmead this morning, then. I hope you feel better in time for the Halloween feast tonight. After all the trouble we put into helping plan it, it would be a shame if you missed it."
"Right," Lily whispered to herself, "It is Halloween. Shit. What time is it?"
"Ten-fifteen," James answered, looking at his watch.
"Do me a favor, Amos will be at the portrait hole in fifteen minutes to pick me up. Tell him I'm really sorry, but I feel awful and can't make it today. No, wait, not you. Get anyone else to tell him, please?"
"Whatever you say," James said, noticing how close Lily was to freaking out. "I'll come up later to keep you company."
"Oh, God, no, don't do that! Go to Hogsmead, have fun, I'll be fine. Blow up a toilet or steal Snapes underwear or something." Lily turned suddenly, knowing the longer she spoke with James the closer she would come to breaking down. She practically sprinted up the stairs. Luckily, James was pretty certain she was going to throw up, and as worried as he was, Lily had made it abundantly clear that she didn't want to see him just then.
James asked Remus to tell Amos that Lily was ill. Remus was a trump and didn't even ask James why he couldn't. Remus simply went out to wait on the other side of the Fat Lady. A few minutes later, he came back in and said that he had notified Amos and there was concern, but no hard feelings. James nodded to acknowledge this and continued to stare at the stairway to the girl's dormitory.
When Elizabeth came in with a tray of food, James ran up to her, startling his friend into almost dropping everything. "I don't think she'll be able to eat any of that," James said, "but let me take it up with you. I feel really bad for not following her when she went to throw up, but she'd just said 'Good God, no' when I offered to keep her company."
"You spoke to her," Elizabeth asked. "Shit, that was one of my jobs, to keep the boys away from her. She told me she can't deal with the Marauders right now. I can manage to take the tray up by myself."
"Okay then, I guess, but tell her that she should go to the Hospital Wing. She really should be at the Halloween feast. Oh and tell her that I got Remus to talk to Amos, who hopes she feels better later." James tried to think of anything else that he could say that would be remotely helpful, or maybe make Elizabeth reconsider letting him come up, but he couldn't.
"Will do," Elizabeth said. "Now would you mind moving out of the way?" Once James leapt aside, Elizabeth swaggered across the common room and up the stairs to see Lily.
"You okay, honey?" she inquired, noting the closely drawn curtains around Lily's bed.
"I'm afraid so," came the croaked reply. "I'm not sick in any event."
"Do you want to tell me what is wrong?"
"No. And don't start to press me either, please, I just absolutely do not want to talk about it."
"Okay then. Amos sends get well wishes, as does James who added that you deserve to be at the Halloween feast."
"I don't deserve anything," Lily whispered. "So you were the one who talked with Amos?"
"Nope, apparently Remus did. I'm sure he sends get well greetings, too, James probably forgot to mention it, I was a little short with him, but your tray was heavy. I even managed to get you a piece of pie out here if you want it. I was going to try for ice cream, but it was quicker to just go to the Great Hall. I've forgotten where the picture of fruit that you're supposed to tickle is. We'll have to get James to show us again."
"That's okay, you go," Lily said, obviously not listening to her friend. "I think I'll take a nap."
"Alright, Lily, but your pie will get cold if you leave it sitting there for too long."
"Pie," Lily asked, her voice almost perking up.
"Yes, darling, I brought you a piece of apple pie. I hope you like it." Elizabeth sighed and left the room, hoping that Lily would feel well enough to get out of bed and eat something. As it turned out, Lily was adverse to people, not moving, at the moment. As soon as the door clicked shut, she sprang up and tore voraciously at the food, gulping pumpkin juice in between bites of the turkey sandwich. The pie was absolutely delicious.
Once she finished eating, she realized that she was in no mood to study or read or sit around and mope. She needed someone intelligent to talk to, but she couldn't face any of her friends right now, or anyone who knew Amos, or anyone who might tell him anything. This left her pretty firmly out of options, except Hagrid; Lily realized she hadn't gone to visit Hagrid yet this year, and he would be the perfect person to talk to.
Lily was glad she stored her broom in her room. If it meant facing the Gryffindor Common Room again, Lily wasn't sure she would have left, no matter how anxious she got. She flew all of the way to Hagrid's hut, where she propped her broom against the wall and knocked politely.
"'Ello there, Lily, what can I do yer for?" Hagrid beamed down at her.
"I was wondering if you had time to visit. James was the one who talked to you about the giant pumpkins, and I never got a chance to thank you for them. They are magnificent. I mean really beautiful. Happy Halloween, by the way."
"'Appy 'Alloween yerself," Hagrid said with a smile. "Would yer like a cuppa? I just put the kettle on."
"That would be splendid, Hagrid," Lily said with a smile.
"Now, why don' yer tell me wha' I really owe this visit to," Hagrid asked. "If yeh'd come any other day, I might not 'ave asked, but it's 'alloween, why aren't ye' i' the village wi' yer boyfriend, Amos."
Lily lost her nerve, and couldn't bear to talk about Amos, so she made up a subject. "Actually, I did have something to ask you. I know you go into the forest a lot as gamekeeper, and I was wondering if there are a lot of stags in there. If you can keep a secret, I saw one on the grounds the other night while I was trying to catch the Marauders playing a prank. It seemed really tame, and came right up to me, so I went back the next night and fed it an apple. I was wondering if it was a pet from the village that escaped or if the stags in the forest were just like that."
"Ah don' really know, Lily. There are stags I' th' forest, Ah can tell yer tha' much, but they've never come up ta me. There is one weird one, though, I don' know wha' ye'll think o' this, but sometimes, usually when th' moon is full, Ahv seen this great big stag runnin' or wrestlin' with two wolves. Ah only ever see them from afa', so Ahm never really sure o' wha' Ah saw."
"That's interesting, another data-point about my mysterious stag. I'm pretty sure they're the same animal, after all, how many abnormal stags can there be in one forest?" Lily smiled. She discussed her Care of Magical Creatures class with Hagrid for a while, he was always a good source for reference when she wanted a point of view a little different from what Professor Kettleburn taught. Then she excused herself, saying she'd see him at the Halloween Feast if he decided to come.
Lily still didn't feel like going back to her room, but there really wasn't anywhere she could go and not run into people, so she decided to fly through the Forbidden Forest to clear her head. She would have done laps around the Quidditch Pitch, but knowing her friends, at least one person she knew would be there practicing. Lily wouldn't be surprised if the Gryffindor team had a practice scheduled, considering the way James worked his team. So she zoomed in, just under the canopy, dodging around tree trunks at high velocities. Then she slowed, and just flew through the forest, which didn't look nearly as ominous in the day light, although little enough daylight reached the forest floor. There was something comforting about being able to tilt up and be out of the forest within seconds any time she wanted, and there was no fear in her heart.
"Christ James, would you stop staring at the stairs," Remus nearly shouted. When Sirius and Elizabeth looked at him in surprise, he lowered his head in embarrassment. "Sorry," he said. "But James, Lily is probably asleep. She is not going to come down the stairs at any moment, and she doesn't want to see you, so there is nothing you can do. Why don't you play chess with me, or we could go to Hogsmead? It isn't too late."
"Nah, I'm groovy," James said, not listening to his friend at all.
Sirius noticed what Remus was talking about, then, and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Hey," he said, getting James to turn and face him. "Why don't you go for a run? It will only take you half an hour, so you should be back before she wakes up. I know it will calm you down and give you time to think."
"Alright," James said. He got up and left the common room without a word.
"I'm almost as worried about him as I am about Lily," Elizabeth said softly.
"He'll be fine the second she is, love."
"Do you reckon he's in love with her," Elizabeth asked.
"For quite a while now," Sirius answered. "He told me himself, to his credit. It would be more to his credit if he would tell Lily, but that is beside the point."
Lily saw Prongs galloping through the trees ahead of her. "Prongs," she called, speeding up. To her surprise, the animal stopped immediately and looked at her. She landed a few feet away from him.
Prongs stamped his foreleg and tossed his head in what was obviously a gesture of anger, although Lily didn't understand what he was angry about.
"Hey, boy," she said soothingly. "It's okay, it's just Lily." She let her broom fall and walked slowly toward him, her hands raised and empty. "You know me, right? We're friends, remember? That's it. Good boy." Slowly she stretched a hand out to touch his neck, which he allowed. She pet him gently, and he allowed it for a little while.
Prongs took a few steps away from Lily and looked at her with his big, brown eyes. Lily guessed she was meant to follow, so she said "Up" to call her broom to her hand and followed him. They walked together, side by side, Lily carrying her broom, and occasionally stroking Prongs' back.
"I wonder if I could talk to you about something, Prongs," she asked. "Although I have no idea where you are taking me, I guess that doesn't matter. I have a problem Prongs, and it has to do entirely with your namesake." Prongs didn't object to this line of discussion, which Lily felt was invitation enough to continue. "You see, my problem is that I am not in love with James Potter." Prongs stopped walking very suddenly.
"What is wrong, Prongs," Lily asked, concerned. "Do you smell a predator?" Prongs started walking again as though nothing was wrong, so Lily continued. "As I was saying, I finally did that spell you helped me find components for, and I saw the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Don't ask me why I saw you instead of him when I first looked into the mirror, I still don't understand that. I'm really still very confused about you, Prongs, but that pales next to my current dilemma."
"I've found out that James Potter is my perfect match. Now, I've no idea how he feels about me, I've always just assumed neither of us wanted to be more than friends. Now I wonder, though, because he was really rather pushy about me doing the second soul mate spell. Well, not really pushy, because he knows that's the least effective way to get me to do something. I'm not making any sense. I'm sorry for babbling. The problem is I really think I'm in love with Amos Diggory. He is my boyfriend. If you promise not to tell, he's the only real boyfriend I've ever had. Back in fourth and fifth year I 'dated', but those 'relationships' were maxed out by the second week. Amos and I make sense. We have loads of shared interests; even Potter admits that our life would be perfect together. He tells me he loves me, and I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
"I promised Amos I wouldn't do the soul mate spell because he was afraid I would see James. I went against that promise, and his worst fear was confirmed. James is the man I'm supposed to be with. I couldn't dump Amos with that. That would be the worst possible thing I could do to him, baring use the Crutiacus Curse or something equally illegal. He is so insecure already, I could never dump him. I don't think I could even break up with him. I think I love him. No, I know I love him." Lily ran her hand over Prongs' back gently. "Maybe I'm not in love with him," she whispered. "Oh god, what if I don't love him." Prongs stopped to rub his head against her shoulder and nuzzle her cheek.
"Thanks Prongs," Lily said softly. "I'm just incredibly confused right now. I can't talk to any of my friends. They are all either too close to James or friends with Amos. They all have their own opinions, you know, and I need to figure out my position. If I'm not in love with Amos, then I've never been in love and I don't know what it's like. How are you supposed to know love when you feel it," she asked as they continued walking. "I mean, what I feel when Amos and I are together is great, I feel warm and happy and safe, but what if there is something even better that I could be feeling with James, only I don't know about it because I've never been with James. Am I just with Amos because I don't know what the alternative is?"
They entered a pine grove, down right peaceful for the forbidden forest. Sunlight lanced down at them and there was plenty of open space to run. "Beautiful," Lily exclaimed. "Is this your home, Prongs," she asked, sure that it was. Prongs led her to a bed of soft brown needles that he lay down on. She sat next to him and stroked his fur.
"I'm not sure if I wish I knew how James felt or not. I mean, if I knew James had no interest in me at all, I could just stay with Amos and be happy. If I knew that he liked me or had a crush on me, though, I don't know what I would do. I mean, I know I don't love James Potter. That is the one thing about this whole mess that I am absolutely sure of." Lily sighed and leaned against Prongs' back.
She sat up suddenly. "Actually, that answers one question fairly clearly. I'm not in love with Amos. I mean, if you're wondering whether or not you're in love, you probably aren't. Does that make sense? I don't care if it makes sense. I'm not in love with Amos Diggory or James Potter. That said, I don't think I want to date either of them right now. I've been dating Amos for so long, I'd forgotten that just being single was an option," Lily laughed at herself.
"Thanks, Prongs, you're the best listener I know." Lily didn't laugh when she said that, and she brushed another kiss on the stag's cheek. She then got up and got on her broom, making the stag get up. "I have to go sneak back into Gryffindor Tower before anyone notices I'm gone, boy. Maybe I'll come find you after the Halloween Feast. If not, I'll come out tomorrow night, okay?" With that, Lily zoomed above the trees and back through the open window of the tower. She put away her broom carefully and closed the window. Her tray had already been taken away by some kind house elf, so she had nothing to do but go downstairs and face her friends. First, however, she brushed her hair so it wouldn't look like she'd been flying.
***
Sirius had apparently been right to suggest James go for a run. He returned to the common room looking almost cheerful, far better than his friends had hoped. Actually, when Sirius sent him out, he hadn't expected to accomplish anything more than having James out of his hair for half of an hour. James said hi to everyone, and sat back in a chair, nominally playing chess with Remus, but he had a half smile on his face, and he checked the girls stairwell every thirty seconds or so.
Lily descended that staircase much sooner than anyone would have guessed she would, only ten minutes or so after James returned. James, apparently, had been right to watch for her, because he was the first one to see her. He did not bound over to her like Elizabeth guessed he would have, but simply walked up to her and asked her how she was feeling.
"Much better, thank you," she replied with a polite smile, "I think I just needed some time to myself to rest."
"I'm glad that's all," James said with a grin, as Elizabeth ran over to Lily and gave her a bear hug, with Sirius attacking her from the other side. "Apparently, everyone was worried about you."
Lily looked a little uncomfortable about this, but she smiled broadly at her friends. "Well, nothing to worry about," she said easily. "Glad I don't make it more of a habit to sleep in on Saturdays if this is what it would be met with," she laughed.
"Its just after noon, shall we go to the Great Hall for lunch," Peter suggested, coming down from the boy's dormitory where he had been studying. No one had told him Lily was sick, so he made no comments on her recovery.
Amos had apparently gone to Hogsmead with his Hufflepuff friends, because the small group of Lily's friends who entered the Great Hall were the only students over third year beside for one or two on duty prefects. Lily was incredibly grateful for that because she knew it wouldn't be fair to act like a couple with him while they were in a group when she was planning on breaking up with him. So she ate lunch happily with her friends, who remarked with giggles that she seemed to be replacing everything she'd thrown up.
After lunch, Lily went to the library with Elizabeth to do homework and the Marauders went back up to their room to discuss their big Halloween plan. Instead, as soon as the door was closed, James spilled everything Lily had told him when he met her.
"So what are you going to do," Sirius asked.
"Do," James asked, honestly surprised. "I don't need to do anything. She's probably going to break up with Amos, then she's bound to eventually fall in love with me. We're perfectly suited to each other, remember, so as long as she continues to consistently see my charming self, she'll fall for me."
"Merlin, you're such a Hamlin," Peter exclaimed.
"A what, Wormtail," James inquired curiously.
"He means Hamlet," Remus said with a smile, "and as it was his parents who took us to the play in the first place, he should know that. It means indecisive. It's a character from a Shakespearean play."
"Um, I think I take offense at that, you prat of a rat."
"Maybe you should, but it's true," Peter stated staunchly. "You are just going to sit back and let your uncle rule your fiefdom."
"Jesus, Pete, did you sleep through that entire play," Remus asked with a laugh. "He does have a point, though, James. You can't count on the fact that Lily will just fall for you while you're acting as friends. You need to make a little effort. Remember, the odds that you're going to be thrown together after we graduate are slim, so you really only have about seven months. Sure you'll see her after that, but not anywhere near the amount she sees you at Hogwarts, and if you can't get her to fall in love with you before then, you may very well lose her forever."
"Okay, okay, point grasped," James laughed. "What would you have me do, though, I can't turn on the charm the second she dumps Diggory. Do you know what kind of a skeezy prat that would make me look like?"
"The kind of prat that goes after vulnerable girls," Sirius said, banging an imaginary buzzer like he was on a muggle game show. "Can we talk about the plan now?"
"I still can't believe we got three of them," James laughed.
"I'm not sure three is enough," Peter said with a frown. "I mean, they do get weaker around that many people. I wonder if anyone will get a good scare."
"Well, we don't really want to ruin the Halloween feast for anyone, just scare a few folks. Dumbledore will probably figure out what they are in a few seconds." Remus smiled. "He probably already knows the plan. We weren't exactly subtle about stealing Professor McGonagal's chest."
"We won't know until we have a go, now will we," asked Sirius.