I felt so dirty. How could I have ruined myself this way. I stood
stone still in the stall, the hot water from the shower head burning the
flesh on my back. I didn't care, though. The steam rose in front of my
eyes as tears welled up, stinging my eyelids and rolling out with no
conscious acknowledgement from myself.
My vision blurred as another wisp of steam wafted in front of my face. How could I?! I turned, letting my torso take the barrage of harsh water bullets, and contemplated the small shaving razor sitting before me. My trembling hand fumbled for it, the wet plastic slipping. I began to sob furiously as I beat it against the walls, desperately trying to break the blade from its protective shell.
"You know if you are really that angry, use mine..." a hand reached through the shower curtain, holding a small man's razor blade. "It is faster, ne?" his damn stoic, monotonous voice was soothing and I turned the knob, stopping the water, wrapped myself in a towel, and stepped out.
"Damn you," I frowned, and pulled on a pair of clothes.
"Exactly what happened... that made you go to this extreme, my love?" he asked condescendingly. Black Haru had come about upon hearing my frustrated screams, and he ruffled my hair in an uncharacteristically playful manner. The hand slid down my neck and I flicked it away.
"She saw. There is no turning back... she saw... us," a fat tear rolled down my cheek, restarting my emotions and I bit my lip. "How could you let me do this?!" I whispered sharply and rushed out of the small bathroom where I had come to escape, but had done nothing but find him.
"You'll be back, my love..." he called after me, but I rushed out of the house and down the small dirt path before he could say more.
***
I nestled into my bed that night, the darkness enveloping everything. I hated this. This life. This everything. This nothingness that I now stared into with contempt. I rolled over, and pushed a hand under my pillow, crunching it up towards my face. I pulled the covers up over my head and breathed softly, thinking of what everyone would say.
***
It began once more the next day. The eyes burning holes through me, the contemptuous whispers greeting my entrance into the classroom. The dark auras surrounding them. I could see the hate radiating from them. I could hear the harsh words and accusations.
The words that burned my ears and tore down my ego rolled through the class louder than any siren or screams. I studied my feet like they were interesting for most of the day, waiting for my time of redemption, of freedom.
***
"Kisa-chan..." a voice hissed out of the shadows behind me. "Dirty little whore..." I walked a little faster, hoping that my imagination was getting the best of me. The sun faded behind the trees, and I hid my eyes under my hair as I listened for the footsteps behind me I knew were coming. "Kisa!" Her grasp ripped me out of my concentration, and she threw me to the ground.
"Gomen nasai, Yabu-san... I did not hear you..." I stood, and smoothed my skirt out. "Did you need me?"
"No... I just wanted to give you a small token of my affection..." she handed me a small package with no label, wrapped in tinny gold paper.
A small black string held the lid on, and I stammered out, "Arigatou gozaimasu," before turning away quickly.
"Aren't you going to open it?!" she growled, pulling at the strap of my bag. I nervously stuttered over an agreement ad pulled the end of the black string, which loosened and fell. I opened the box and gasped as a small gold locket gleamed up from the white cotton inside the box.
"Oh... eto... arigatou gozaimasu! Domo arigatou! It is lovely..." I trailed off. Who was this that I was thanking?! "but..." I shoved the box back in her hands and began to walk back to the Honke. I took a few steps and glanced behind to see her still standing there, holding the box, the gleaming paper mixing with the gift.
I turned and made my way into the forest right as I heard her scream. I peeked over my shoulder with a sense of foreboding as a rock caught the side of my head, and I stumbled forwards as heavy thunks sent me into a soft darkness as a red velvet curtain was pulled over my vision and I fell to the ground as small hot pains spread over my body.
My vision blurred as another wisp of steam wafted in front of my face. How could I?! I turned, letting my torso take the barrage of harsh water bullets, and contemplated the small shaving razor sitting before me. My trembling hand fumbled for it, the wet plastic slipping. I began to sob furiously as I beat it against the walls, desperately trying to break the blade from its protective shell.
"You know if you are really that angry, use mine..." a hand reached through the shower curtain, holding a small man's razor blade. "It is faster, ne?" his damn stoic, monotonous voice was soothing and I turned the knob, stopping the water, wrapped myself in a towel, and stepped out.
"Damn you," I frowned, and pulled on a pair of clothes.
"Exactly what happened... that made you go to this extreme, my love?" he asked condescendingly. Black Haru had come about upon hearing my frustrated screams, and he ruffled my hair in an uncharacteristically playful manner. The hand slid down my neck and I flicked it away.
"She saw. There is no turning back... she saw... us," a fat tear rolled down my cheek, restarting my emotions and I bit my lip. "How could you let me do this?!" I whispered sharply and rushed out of the small bathroom where I had come to escape, but had done nothing but find him.
"You'll be back, my love..." he called after me, but I rushed out of the house and down the small dirt path before he could say more.
***
I nestled into my bed that night, the darkness enveloping everything. I hated this. This life. This everything. This nothingness that I now stared into with contempt. I rolled over, and pushed a hand under my pillow, crunching it up towards my face. I pulled the covers up over my head and breathed softly, thinking of what everyone would say.
***
It began once more the next day. The eyes burning holes through me, the contemptuous whispers greeting my entrance into the classroom. The dark auras surrounding them. I could see the hate radiating from them. I could hear the harsh words and accusations.
The words that burned my ears and tore down my ego rolled through the class louder than any siren or screams. I studied my feet like they were interesting for most of the day, waiting for my time of redemption, of freedom.
***
"Kisa-chan..." a voice hissed out of the shadows behind me. "Dirty little whore..." I walked a little faster, hoping that my imagination was getting the best of me. The sun faded behind the trees, and I hid my eyes under my hair as I listened for the footsteps behind me I knew were coming. "Kisa!" Her grasp ripped me out of my concentration, and she threw me to the ground.
"Gomen nasai, Yabu-san... I did not hear you..." I stood, and smoothed my skirt out. "Did you need me?"
"No... I just wanted to give you a small token of my affection..." she handed me a small package with no label, wrapped in tinny gold paper.
A small black string held the lid on, and I stammered out, "Arigatou gozaimasu," before turning away quickly.
"Aren't you going to open it?!" she growled, pulling at the strap of my bag. I nervously stuttered over an agreement ad pulled the end of the black string, which loosened and fell. I opened the box and gasped as a small gold locket gleamed up from the white cotton inside the box.
"Oh... eto... arigatou gozaimasu! Domo arigatou! It is lovely..." I trailed off. Who was this that I was thanking?! "but..." I shoved the box back in her hands and began to walk back to the Honke. I took a few steps and glanced behind to see her still standing there, holding the box, the gleaming paper mixing with the gift.
I turned and made my way into the forest right as I heard her scream. I peeked over my shoulder with a sense of foreboding as a rock caught the side of my head, and I stumbled forwards as heavy thunks sent me into a soft darkness as a red velvet curtain was pulled over my vision and I fell to the ground as small hot pains spread over my body.