Title: Loose Ends
Author: Jane McCartney
Disclaimer: All the characters you recognize belong to Joss & co. (all hail the crackhead). I'm just fooling around with his universe, with no intention of making money or anything.
Classification: Buffy-Angel crossover
Rating: PG13
Feedback: Yes, please! Doesn't everyone want it?
Email: janemccartney@bol.com.br
Distribution: Anywhere, I don't mind, just credit me and inform me where it's at.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Theo, who actually made this project a viable one with his amazing and wonderful work - I'm truly grateful for your help with the English grammar and all the necessary adaptations. You're my savior.
Note: This is my very first attempt at fan fiction, and English is definitely not my native language, so I'd be happy if you guys didn't go too hard on me - please. I'm just doing the best I can here.
Summary: [Buffy-Angel Crossover] Xander shows up in Los Angeles, and brings with him a secret that'll lead him into dangerous territory. Can he cope with that? And his friends, will they be there for him?
***
"Guys! You're finally here!" an agitated Fred screamed with excitement.
The brunette Texan was at the Hyperion's front door when the three men came back very preoccupied, and sped directly past her into the interior of the hotel. Fred just stayed where she was, a dumb look of amazement on her face.
"Rude," the Texan girl snorted, as she made her way to the lounge.
"Where's Cordelia?" Fred and Gunn demanded at the exact same moment.
"What do you mean, 'where's Cordelia'? Come on, we need to know!" Gunn and Fred continued to speak at the same time, their words echoing in perfect sync with each other.
"Okay, me first!" Fred suddenly snapped. "I thought Cordy was with you guys! Uh, she i-isn't?" A familiar fear briskly consumed the Texan girl's voice.
"No! Princess told Angel about her vision, but I mean we didn't find any ugly demons around the place!" retorted the vampire hunter, already yelling nervously at this point.
"Hey, hey! No yelling, OK?" Fred screamed back at him.
"All right! So you stop first!" Gunn replied loudly.
Fred began to pace back and forth along the lounge, eventually muttering words like 'I thought she was with you guys!' and 'Oh, what are we going to do now?'
"Where's Cordelia?" Angel demanded at the top of the stairs, with evident worry consuming his features.
"Welcome to the $65,000 question of the night," Gunn retorted tiredly.
"She isn't here?" asked an astonished Wesley.
"No!" Fred snapped loudly, winning three curious gazes from Angel, Wesley and Gunn. "Uh, no?" the Texan girl then offered in a low voice.
The Englishman shook his head in obvious frustration. "Good Lord, what's happening here? First of all, Xander tries to kill Angel; then Cordelia receives a fake vision, and now she's disappeared! We've had many weird nights in the past, I grant you, but this one has got to take the cake!"
"We've gotta find her," the ensouled vampire stated simply, finally joining the gang.
"Uh, do ya really think?" Gunn pointed out sarcastically.
Angel just glared at him.
"Gentlemen, please, let's try to stay calm and think," a tired Wesley begged.
"I wonder what happened to the paranoid 'good Lord' from a few seconds ago," an annoyed Gunn muttered ironically.
"I can hear you, y'know? And for your information, I wasn't being paranoid!" the former Watcher replied loudly.
Wesley then lowered his voice. "All right, perhaps I was a bit now, but I absolutely was not paranoid before!"
Angel promptly interrupted. "Hey, our focus here is Cordelia, and we're not gonna get anywhere acting... paranoid."
Wesley gazed at him with distinct incredulity.
"Any of us," the souled vampire completed quickly, diverting his look from the former Watcher.
"Great, now everybody thinks I'm paranoid," Wesley muttered under his breath.
Angel continued in his usual deadpan tone, "We, we need to know exactly what we're dealing with here. Cordelia's disappeared under... unusual circumstances, with no sign of a fight - I mean, Fred certainly would have heard it if she'd screamed or something. So I guess, we don't know if she really was kidnapped," the ensouled vampire finished carefully.
Gunn immediately raised an incredulous eyebrow at Angel's last statement.
"Oh, right, so Cordy's just gone out for ice cream now? Hey, that sounds fun! Yeah, really damn plausible too - her ex-boyfriend came by and tried to kill ya, and she thought it'd be a wonderful time to git without actually telling nobody where she's gone?"
Gunn then snorted. "Damn, man, you wanna try listening to yourself some time?" the young vampire hunter said with obvious sarcasm in his voice.
"I'm just saying," Angel began, his voice gaining an odd flash of impatience and nervousness. "That if we put two and two together, a fake vision and a sudden disappearance without any actual threat for weeks, we might then find more clues about Cordelia's whereabouts."
The undead creature with a soul then hesitated. "We just shouldn't simply ignore any possible explanations, even if they seem a little... absurd," the dark-haired vampire finished prudently.
"Possible bein' our key word here," Gunn retorted dryly, still taken aback by Angel's non-kidnapping theory.
"But why would Cordelia hide anything about a vision from us? I mean, at least she really had one, right?" Fred asked with an honest search for understanding.
"Yeah, she did. I mean, I was with her at the time, she couldn't have faked it," the souled vampire said without hesitation.
"Cordelia... well, she certainly cared a lot about Xander in the past," Wesley stated matter-of-factly.
Angel simply nodded in agreement.
The former young Watcher persisted, "Given the details of their breakup, she hasn't ever exactly been... forthright about him, but on the other hand she never was a really great liar either. All right, bloody hell, perhaps she *is* able to lie to us on occasion; but, anyway, that isn't her genuine nature. Not about Xander."
Wesley sighed. "She still cares about him; even I could see that."
"So... lemme see if I got this straight," Gunn insisted with a doubtful expression on his broad features.
"They were Tom and Nicole - make that Tom and Jerry - in the old days, they get all worked up 'cause o' the hormones and then *bam*!" the young vampire hunter clapped his hands in a loud noise, making even Angel wince in surprise. "They decide to play Romeo and Juliet now?"
His tone of obvious incredulity wasn't hidden from anybody.
"But, but Romeo's a little out of his mind at the moment," the Texan girl shook her head in frustration.
"Well, at least it's better than if they'd decided to go all Bonnie and Clyde on us," the ensouled vampire uttered one of his few wry phrases that night.
Wesley raised his eyes at Angel's comment, and chuckled. Fred and Gunn just sent him a glance of puzzlement.
"Never mind," the dark-haired vampire sighed.
"What are we going to do now?" burbled out an evidently insecure Fred.
"I'm afraid that, quite honestly, I've got no answer for your question," the former Watcher shrugged in transparent worry.
"If Cordelia's really with Xander, we've got to assume she's in danger," Angel stated.
"Um, I don't know if that's a wise supposition, Angel. I mean, Cordelia's anything but an innocent girl walking around making stupid choices - uh, most of the time, I mean..."
Wesley looked thoughtful. "When Xander was here with us earlier, he didn't seem to want to harm any of us, but he did look a little nervous and his appearance was slightly more pale than normal. Like something was really bothering him. Well, he did seem... scared. But not all bloody psycho."
Angel raised an incredulous eyebrow at Wesley's statement. "He did try to kill me, didn't he?"
"Wait, wait, wait. Supposin' that Cordy actually went to find the asshole - she musta seen something in her vision, right? Something about the guy - somethin' scary enough to make her lie, and try to divert our asses!"
The young vampire hunter was sure that this thought had been an organized and vitally important one inside his mind; but now, once voiced, it just sounded like a bunch of nonsensical words to his ears.
"Uh, did that make any sense at all?" asked a suddenly confused Gunn.
"I know I'm going to regret saying this, but it actually did," retorted an equally bewildered Wesley.
His friends easily found the prompt denial in Angel's voice. "That's crap! Why wouldn't Cordelia trust us?"
"She's scared, Angel," the former Watcher said softly.
"Her first serious boyfriend just pops back into her life, and messes with her mind; and while I'm not willing to trust in Xander, I think she is. And we can't tell for sure that he's not going to harm her; we can't even confirm that he's *with* her, for God's sake! Oh my... this is just getting more and more complicated, isn't it?"
The young Englishman could feel a monstrous headache growing powerfully inside his cranium, and his body really didn't seem to have the necessary strength to stop it right now.
"I'm afraid so," the souled vampire replied emphatically.
The Fang Gang was lost in pure fear for Cordelia's well being, and utter confusion towards Xander's still-unexplained behavior during the previous few hours.
It was too hard to think straight at that moment.
"Angel... you think we should?" Wesley's voice wondered out loud.
"I don't know. Maybe," the dark-haired vamp's reply was uncertain and full of doubt.
"Great, now they're using that odd language that I don't understand," Gunn muttered, biting his lower lip in apparent annoyance.
"Fred, could you try to find if Xander's actually registered in any of the hotels here in Los Angeles? I know it's most likely a shot in the dark, but we aren't exactly overflowing with clues right now."
"Uh, all right Wesley, I can at least give it a shot. Way in the dark, but I think I can try. I guess," the brunette Texan replied with an unsure gaze at the Englishman.
Wesley's eyes seemed to still be wondering about his briefly discussed decision with Angel. "You want me to do it?" the former Watcher asked carefully.
His question was promptly answered, with Angel's conflicted gaze staring at him.
"Right then, I'll do it," the Englishman confirmed, receiving a reassuring glance from the souled vampire.
"Do what?!" Gunn demanded loudly.
"I'm afraid that we'll have to call some old... friends," Wesley replied uncertainly.
"Great!" Fred's voice chimed within the Hyperion's lounge, the Texan girl already with the phone against her ear in search of Xander's possible whereabouts amongst L.A.'s cheaper hotels. "I've always wanted to meet Sunnydale's Scooby gang!"
***
"I saw everything," Xander's haunted eyes misted over, lost in his devastating memories as Cordelia Chase just stared at him.
"I saw it when Mr. Tall, Dark and Overbite killed you. You looked so scared, so... I'd learned that that Fred girl had been his first victim; you told me, about an hour before you died. He'd murdered Wesley in Los Angeles too, but I don't know if he also killed Gunn; everything had become too confused to understand, by that point..."
The man gulped, caught up in the horrible memories. "It was just... chaos. So much death, Cordy, so much pain... Buffy begged me to help her, while she was drowning in her own blood laying in my arms. Ironic much, huh? She begged me to help her, she didn't wanna die," Xander painfully remembered in a low voice.
Cordelia didn't quite get the irony pointed out, but it didn't matter. She wasn't strong enough to question anything at the moment.
"Willow tried to restore his soul, but it didn't work - I don't know why. Giles told us that this power that attacked Angel wasn't like the normal curse on his soul, it was stronger - it was different; and we didn't know how to deal with it..."
He paused. "I had just enough time to pick up Dawn and Anya, and we tried to run away. God knows I wanted to go back for Willow, Giles, and Tara... Jesus, even for Spike..."
"Spike...?"
"Long story. Although I knew, I just knew that the death of the Slayer would be too much for him to handle. He tried to resist; for Dawn, even for us, although he wouldn't ever, ever admit that out loud," the dark-haired boy chuckled sadly.
"But Angelus went after him," he continued with a deep haunted voice, making Cordelia's inner self immediately shiver. "I guess Spike just didn't have any more strength to resist, but you can't blame him for that."
"Why?"
"No one did, by then. And before you ask I don't know, I don't know what happened to the others, I couldn't go back, I knew I'd be putting Anya's and Dawn's lives at risk. And I-I had to protect them; I just couldn't go back! I promised Buffy I'd take care of Dawn! I promised her, I promised..."
Xander was sobbing hopelessly by this point, and the brunette young woman unconsciously embraced him into a tight but gentle hug.
"It's okay, Xander, it's okay now, it's okay..." Cordelia whispered over and over, tears falling freely down her hopeless face.
Xander pulled away from Cordelia's arms, and barely managed to continue. "But Angelus found us, anyway. In the end, it was pointless, the entire running-away thing. After Anya and I were able to find and rescue Dawn from him, she didn't speak a single word. Her clothes were like rags and there was blood all over her face, but it wasn't her own blood..."
The young man looked suddenly thoughtful. "Not all of it, at least. It was just too much blood, she'd have been dead if it was all hers. Anya and me, we never learned what really happened; since that moment till the day I was sent back in time by the Powers That Be, she hadn't spoken a single word."
A sigh. "But we took care of each other, just her and me 'cause... Angelus got Anya. The same day we found Dawn. I know, I *know* the bastard did that just to get to me, that's why he made my Anya one of them and I had to..."
"Xander..." Cordelia didn't know what to say.
It was all just too painful to contemplate.
"I'm okay now, Cordelia. I won another chance. A messenger from the Powers That Be came after me, a week after Anya's death. Guy dressed like a pimp with a really lame hat, and he gave me this chance. And also - I wanted to give this to him. To Angel," Xander clarified, with a lost glance at the stars through the window.
"He's not the demon inside him, Cordy, I know that now. I don't want to let Angelus win; I *really* don't want that, ya know? I want to kill Angel now, so his inner demon will never get that chance; I know that's what I should do."
The time traveller stared at the seer. "It's best for him, and for everybody. Even if it costs me my sanity and my friends. Damn it, even if it costs me my own life!" the dark-haired boy suddenly exploded, roughly smashing his fist against a nearby desk.
The impact of Xander's punch made the fragile wooden boards splinter into little pieces, forming a considerably large hole on the desk's surface. The young man looked down at it, but didn't say anything; he just swept away the few vestiges of loose wood from its dirty surface, and looked away from the smashed desk.
Cordelia just stood there, speechless. She was feeling like her whole world was crashing down all around her, and all her deepest fears were suddenly becoming true.
If there truly was a Hell, a place where tortured souls never found their eternal rest, a shadow world where there was no tomorrow - just continuous suffering and despair, pain and agony, torment and hopelessness - if such a place existed, Cordelia was sure she could just walk right in there with this big, goofy smile on her lips.
Because nothing could ever, ever make her feel worse than the way she was feeling right now.
"I'm scared, Xander. I-I don't know what to do," the young seer managed to whisper slowly.
Xander pulled the young brunette into a comfortable hug, and gently dried her tears. "I know, Cordy. But you don't have to do anything. That's why I'm here, I'll take care of it, okay? I'm gonna be the so-called frickin' White Knight," the young man sighed softly, still embraced by Cordelia's arms firmly surrounding his waist.
She raised her head, previously sunk on Xander's shoulder, and looked up at his sincere eyes.
"When did you become the hero type," Cordelia grinned weakly.
"When I first met this gorgeous brunette, with the most beautiful hazel eyes I'd ever seen," Xander chuckled softly. "What was her name again? Tina? Mary? No, no, I think it was Carla, but I'd really have to get back to you on that," he said wryly, immediately getting a dainty punch on his left arm by Cordelia.
"You didn't change a bit, did you? Still making jokes, in nightmare situations. You aren't real, Harris," the young brunette retorted absent- mindedly, still distracted by the warmth of her former boyfriend's hug.
Damn, but it felt so good to be in his arms once again.
Cordelia could feel the growing pain devouring every single part of her soul, bringing to life her deepest fears and allowing all her inner nightmares to come forth in her brain. The brunette young woman could barely remind herself to breathe; occasional heavy gasps for air came from her body.
She couldn't stand the fact that she was incapable of helping Angel, that there was just no way she could do that.
And Cordelia wanted so deeply to hate Xander, so deeply...
'Cause then, he would simply be lying, and all her worries would be eradicated as easily as they'd come.
Why couldn't he be just a freaking lunatic, after all?
Damn it! It would make everything so much easier.
She hated him for being sane and honest.
She hated him for telling her everything he had told her.
She hated him for having suffered so much, and making her suffer as well.
And most of all, she so hated the fact that she was incapable of hating him.
Suddenly, an unknown impulse made Cordelia Chase put her arms around Xander's neck and bring her lips to his, gently initiating a generous kiss.
What the heck? He just told you about his girlfriend getting killed by one of your best friends - and you're standing here, wanting to have a wild monkey sex with your former boyfriend?! Oh no - did I say that out loud? Oh, right. This is just my inner voice. Uh, duh! And why he does have to be such a damn good kisser? Oh my, I so need to grow up...
If there was one time in her life Cordelia would be sorry for thinking - at all - this was like just the perfect example.
There was no time for any more reasonable thoughts, through.
For one single moment, Cordelia felt like everything else just wasn't important, and the gods above were finally looking down at her with a big, wide smile.
She could even hear them whispering a 'you go, girl!' from the skies.
***
Author: Jane McCartney
Disclaimer: All the characters you recognize belong to Joss & co. (all hail the crackhead). I'm just fooling around with his universe, with no intention of making money or anything.
Classification: Buffy-Angel crossover
Rating: PG13
Feedback: Yes, please! Doesn't everyone want it?
Email: janemccartney@bol.com.br
Distribution: Anywhere, I don't mind, just credit me and inform me where it's at.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Theo, who actually made this project a viable one with his amazing and wonderful work - I'm truly grateful for your help with the English grammar and all the necessary adaptations. You're my savior.
Note: This is my very first attempt at fan fiction, and English is definitely not my native language, so I'd be happy if you guys didn't go too hard on me - please. I'm just doing the best I can here.
Summary: [Buffy-Angel Crossover] Xander shows up in Los Angeles, and brings with him a secret that'll lead him into dangerous territory. Can he cope with that? And his friends, will they be there for him?
***
"Guys! You're finally here!" an agitated Fred screamed with excitement.
The brunette Texan was at the Hyperion's front door when the three men came back very preoccupied, and sped directly past her into the interior of the hotel. Fred just stayed where she was, a dumb look of amazement on her face.
"Rude," the Texan girl snorted, as she made her way to the lounge.
"Where's Cordelia?" Fred and Gunn demanded at the exact same moment.
"What do you mean, 'where's Cordelia'? Come on, we need to know!" Gunn and Fred continued to speak at the same time, their words echoing in perfect sync with each other.
"Okay, me first!" Fred suddenly snapped. "I thought Cordy was with you guys! Uh, she i-isn't?" A familiar fear briskly consumed the Texan girl's voice.
"No! Princess told Angel about her vision, but I mean we didn't find any ugly demons around the place!" retorted the vampire hunter, already yelling nervously at this point.
"Hey, hey! No yelling, OK?" Fred screamed back at him.
"All right! So you stop first!" Gunn replied loudly.
Fred began to pace back and forth along the lounge, eventually muttering words like 'I thought she was with you guys!' and 'Oh, what are we going to do now?'
"Where's Cordelia?" Angel demanded at the top of the stairs, with evident worry consuming his features.
"Welcome to the $65,000 question of the night," Gunn retorted tiredly.
"She isn't here?" asked an astonished Wesley.
"No!" Fred snapped loudly, winning three curious gazes from Angel, Wesley and Gunn. "Uh, no?" the Texan girl then offered in a low voice.
The Englishman shook his head in obvious frustration. "Good Lord, what's happening here? First of all, Xander tries to kill Angel; then Cordelia receives a fake vision, and now she's disappeared! We've had many weird nights in the past, I grant you, but this one has got to take the cake!"
"We've gotta find her," the ensouled vampire stated simply, finally joining the gang.
"Uh, do ya really think?" Gunn pointed out sarcastically.
Angel just glared at him.
"Gentlemen, please, let's try to stay calm and think," a tired Wesley begged.
"I wonder what happened to the paranoid 'good Lord' from a few seconds ago," an annoyed Gunn muttered ironically.
"I can hear you, y'know? And for your information, I wasn't being paranoid!" the former Watcher replied loudly.
Wesley then lowered his voice. "All right, perhaps I was a bit now, but I absolutely was not paranoid before!"
Angel promptly interrupted. "Hey, our focus here is Cordelia, and we're not gonna get anywhere acting... paranoid."
Wesley gazed at him with distinct incredulity.
"Any of us," the souled vampire completed quickly, diverting his look from the former Watcher.
"Great, now everybody thinks I'm paranoid," Wesley muttered under his breath.
Angel continued in his usual deadpan tone, "We, we need to know exactly what we're dealing with here. Cordelia's disappeared under... unusual circumstances, with no sign of a fight - I mean, Fred certainly would have heard it if she'd screamed or something. So I guess, we don't know if she really was kidnapped," the ensouled vampire finished carefully.
Gunn immediately raised an incredulous eyebrow at Angel's last statement.
"Oh, right, so Cordy's just gone out for ice cream now? Hey, that sounds fun! Yeah, really damn plausible too - her ex-boyfriend came by and tried to kill ya, and she thought it'd be a wonderful time to git without actually telling nobody where she's gone?"
Gunn then snorted. "Damn, man, you wanna try listening to yourself some time?" the young vampire hunter said with obvious sarcasm in his voice.
"I'm just saying," Angel began, his voice gaining an odd flash of impatience and nervousness. "That if we put two and two together, a fake vision and a sudden disappearance without any actual threat for weeks, we might then find more clues about Cordelia's whereabouts."
The undead creature with a soul then hesitated. "We just shouldn't simply ignore any possible explanations, even if they seem a little... absurd," the dark-haired vampire finished prudently.
"Possible bein' our key word here," Gunn retorted dryly, still taken aback by Angel's non-kidnapping theory.
"But why would Cordelia hide anything about a vision from us? I mean, at least she really had one, right?" Fred asked with an honest search for understanding.
"Yeah, she did. I mean, I was with her at the time, she couldn't have faked it," the souled vampire said without hesitation.
"Cordelia... well, she certainly cared a lot about Xander in the past," Wesley stated matter-of-factly.
Angel simply nodded in agreement.
The former young Watcher persisted, "Given the details of their breakup, she hasn't ever exactly been... forthright about him, but on the other hand she never was a really great liar either. All right, bloody hell, perhaps she *is* able to lie to us on occasion; but, anyway, that isn't her genuine nature. Not about Xander."
Wesley sighed. "She still cares about him; even I could see that."
"So... lemme see if I got this straight," Gunn insisted with a doubtful expression on his broad features.
"They were Tom and Nicole - make that Tom and Jerry - in the old days, they get all worked up 'cause o' the hormones and then *bam*!" the young vampire hunter clapped his hands in a loud noise, making even Angel wince in surprise. "They decide to play Romeo and Juliet now?"
His tone of obvious incredulity wasn't hidden from anybody.
"But, but Romeo's a little out of his mind at the moment," the Texan girl shook her head in frustration.
"Well, at least it's better than if they'd decided to go all Bonnie and Clyde on us," the ensouled vampire uttered one of his few wry phrases that night.
Wesley raised his eyes at Angel's comment, and chuckled. Fred and Gunn just sent him a glance of puzzlement.
"Never mind," the dark-haired vampire sighed.
"What are we going to do now?" burbled out an evidently insecure Fred.
"I'm afraid that, quite honestly, I've got no answer for your question," the former Watcher shrugged in transparent worry.
"If Cordelia's really with Xander, we've got to assume she's in danger," Angel stated.
"Um, I don't know if that's a wise supposition, Angel. I mean, Cordelia's anything but an innocent girl walking around making stupid choices - uh, most of the time, I mean..."
Wesley looked thoughtful. "When Xander was here with us earlier, he didn't seem to want to harm any of us, but he did look a little nervous and his appearance was slightly more pale than normal. Like something was really bothering him. Well, he did seem... scared. But not all bloody psycho."
Angel raised an incredulous eyebrow at Wesley's statement. "He did try to kill me, didn't he?"
"Wait, wait, wait. Supposin' that Cordy actually went to find the asshole - she musta seen something in her vision, right? Something about the guy - somethin' scary enough to make her lie, and try to divert our asses!"
The young vampire hunter was sure that this thought had been an organized and vitally important one inside his mind; but now, once voiced, it just sounded like a bunch of nonsensical words to his ears.
"Uh, did that make any sense at all?" asked a suddenly confused Gunn.
"I know I'm going to regret saying this, but it actually did," retorted an equally bewildered Wesley.
His friends easily found the prompt denial in Angel's voice. "That's crap! Why wouldn't Cordelia trust us?"
"She's scared, Angel," the former Watcher said softly.
"Her first serious boyfriend just pops back into her life, and messes with her mind; and while I'm not willing to trust in Xander, I think she is. And we can't tell for sure that he's not going to harm her; we can't even confirm that he's *with* her, for God's sake! Oh my... this is just getting more and more complicated, isn't it?"
The young Englishman could feel a monstrous headache growing powerfully inside his cranium, and his body really didn't seem to have the necessary strength to stop it right now.
"I'm afraid so," the souled vampire replied emphatically.
The Fang Gang was lost in pure fear for Cordelia's well being, and utter confusion towards Xander's still-unexplained behavior during the previous few hours.
It was too hard to think straight at that moment.
"Angel... you think we should?" Wesley's voice wondered out loud.
"I don't know. Maybe," the dark-haired vamp's reply was uncertain and full of doubt.
"Great, now they're using that odd language that I don't understand," Gunn muttered, biting his lower lip in apparent annoyance.
"Fred, could you try to find if Xander's actually registered in any of the hotels here in Los Angeles? I know it's most likely a shot in the dark, but we aren't exactly overflowing with clues right now."
"Uh, all right Wesley, I can at least give it a shot. Way in the dark, but I think I can try. I guess," the brunette Texan replied with an unsure gaze at the Englishman.
Wesley's eyes seemed to still be wondering about his briefly discussed decision with Angel. "You want me to do it?" the former Watcher asked carefully.
His question was promptly answered, with Angel's conflicted gaze staring at him.
"Right then, I'll do it," the Englishman confirmed, receiving a reassuring glance from the souled vampire.
"Do what?!" Gunn demanded loudly.
"I'm afraid that we'll have to call some old... friends," Wesley replied uncertainly.
"Great!" Fred's voice chimed within the Hyperion's lounge, the Texan girl already with the phone against her ear in search of Xander's possible whereabouts amongst L.A.'s cheaper hotels. "I've always wanted to meet Sunnydale's Scooby gang!"
***
"I saw everything," Xander's haunted eyes misted over, lost in his devastating memories as Cordelia Chase just stared at him.
"I saw it when Mr. Tall, Dark and Overbite killed you. You looked so scared, so... I'd learned that that Fred girl had been his first victim; you told me, about an hour before you died. He'd murdered Wesley in Los Angeles too, but I don't know if he also killed Gunn; everything had become too confused to understand, by that point..."
The man gulped, caught up in the horrible memories. "It was just... chaos. So much death, Cordy, so much pain... Buffy begged me to help her, while she was drowning in her own blood laying in my arms. Ironic much, huh? She begged me to help her, she didn't wanna die," Xander painfully remembered in a low voice.
Cordelia didn't quite get the irony pointed out, but it didn't matter. She wasn't strong enough to question anything at the moment.
"Willow tried to restore his soul, but it didn't work - I don't know why. Giles told us that this power that attacked Angel wasn't like the normal curse on his soul, it was stronger - it was different; and we didn't know how to deal with it..."
He paused. "I had just enough time to pick up Dawn and Anya, and we tried to run away. God knows I wanted to go back for Willow, Giles, and Tara... Jesus, even for Spike..."
"Spike...?"
"Long story. Although I knew, I just knew that the death of the Slayer would be too much for him to handle. He tried to resist; for Dawn, even for us, although he wouldn't ever, ever admit that out loud," the dark-haired boy chuckled sadly.
"But Angelus went after him," he continued with a deep haunted voice, making Cordelia's inner self immediately shiver. "I guess Spike just didn't have any more strength to resist, but you can't blame him for that."
"Why?"
"No one did, by then. And before you ask I don't know, I don't know what happened to the others, I couldn't go back, I knew I'd be putting Anya's and Dawn's lives at risk. And I-I had to protect them; I just couldn't go back! I promised Buffy I'd take care of Dawn! I promised her, I promised..."
Xander was sobbing hopelessly by this point, and the brunette young woman unconsciously embraced him into a tight but gentle hug.
"It's okay, Xander, it's okay now, it's okay..." Cordelia whispered over and over, tears falling freely down her hopeless face.
Xander pulled away from Cordelia's arms, and barely managed to continue. "But Angelus found us, anyway. In the end, it was pointless, the entire running-away thing. After Anya and I were able to find and rescue Dawn from him, she didn't speak a single word. Her clothes were like rags and there was blood all over her face, but it wasn't her own blood..."
The young man looked suddenly thoughtful. "Not all of it, at least. It was just too much blood, she'd have been dead if it was all hers. Anya and me, we never learned what really happened; since that moment till the day I was sent back in time by the Powers That Be, she hadn't spoken a single word."
A sigh. "But we took care of each other, just her and me 'cause... Angelus got Anya. The same day we found Dawn. I know, I *know* the bastard did that just to get to me, that's why he made my Anya one of them and I had to..."
"Xander..." Cordelia didn't know what to say.
It was all just too painful to contemplate.
"I'm okay now, Cordelia. I won another chance. A messenger from the Powers That Be came after me, a week after Anya's death. Guy dressed like a pimp with a really lame hat, and he gave me this chance. And also - I wanted to give this to him. To Angel," Xander clarified, with a lost glance at the stars through the window.
"He's not the demon inside him, Cordy, I know that now. I don't want to let Angelus win; I *really* don't want that, ya know? I want to kill Angel now, so his inner demon will never get that chance; I know that's what I should do."
The time traveller stared at the seer. "It's best for him, and for everybody. Even if it costs me my sanity and my friends. Damn it, even if it costs me my own life!" the dark-haired boy suddenly exploded, roughly smashing his fist against a nearby desk.
The impact of Xander's punch made the fragile wooden boards splinter into little pieces, forming a considerably large hole on the desk's surface. The young man looked down at it, but didn't say anything; he just swept away the few vestiges of loose wood from its dirty surface, and looked away from the smashed desk.
Cordelia just stood there, speechless. She was feeling like her whole world was crashing down all around her, and all her deepest fears were suddenly becoming true.
If there truly was a Hell, a place where tortured souls never found their eternal rest, a shadow world where there was no tomorrow - just continuous suffering and despair, pain and agony, torment and hopelessness - if such a place existed, Cordelia was sure she could just walk right in there with this big, goofy smile on her lips.
Because nothing could ever, ever make her feel worse than the way she was feeling right now.
"I'm scared, Xander. I-I don't know what to do," the young seer managed to whisper slowly.
Xander pulled the young brunette into a comfortable hug, and gently dried her tears. "I know, Cordy. But you don't have to do anything. That's why I'm here, I'll take care of it, okay? I'm gonna be the so-called frickin' White Knight," the young man sighed softly, still embraced by Cordelia's arms firmly surrounding his waist.
She raised her head, previously sunk on Xander's shoulder, and looked up at his sincere eyes.
"When did you become the hero type," Cordelia grinned weakly.
"When I first met this gorgeous brunette, with the most beautiful hazel eyes I'd ever seen," Xander chuckled softly. "What was her name again? Tina? Mary? No, no, I think it was Carla, but I'd really have to get back to you on that," he said wryly, immediately getting a dainty punch on his left arm by Cordelia.
"You didn't change a bit, did you? Still making jokes, in nightmare situations. You aren't real, Harris," the young brunette retorted absent- mindedly, still distracted by the warmth of her former boyfriend's hug.
Damn, but it felt so good to be in his arms once again.
Cordelia could feel the growing pain devouring every single part of her soul, bringing to life her deepest fears and allowing all her inner nightmares to come forth in her brain. The brunette young woman could barely remind herself to breathe; occasional heavy gasps for air came from her body.
She couldn't stand the fact that she was incapable of helping Angel, that there was just no way she could do that.
And Cordelia wanted so deeply to hate Xander, so deeply...
'Cause then, he would simply be lying, and all her worries would be eradicated as easily as they'd come.
Why couldn't he be just a freaking lunatic, after all?
Damn it! It would make everything so much easier.
She hated him for being sane and honest.
She hated him for telling her everything he had told her.
She hated him for having suffered so much, and making her suffer as well.
And most of all, she so hated the fact that she was incapable of hating him.
Suddenly, an unknown impulse made Cordelia Chase put her arms around Xander's neck and bring her lips to his, gently initiating a generous kiss.
What the heck? He just told you about his girlfriend getting killed by one of your best friends - and you're standing here, wanting to have a wild monkey sex with your former boyfriend?! Oh no - did I say that out loud? Oh, right. This is just my inner voice. Uh, duh! And why he does have to be such a damn good kisser? Oh my, I so need to grow up...
If there was one time in her life Cordelia would be sorry for thinking - at all - this was like just the perfect example.
There was no time for any more reasonable thoughts, through.
For one single moment, Cordelia felt like everything else just wasn't important, and the gods above were finally looking down at her with a big, wide smile.
She could even hear them whispering a 'you go, girl!' from the skies.
***