Title: Gollum Mania! 2/?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: Just wanted to respond to my reviews before we got started. Thanks to all of you who have enjoyed it so far. To the one that brought up that Grima/Saruman/Gollum all die in the book, I am aware of that. Note the AU in the summary. Alternate Universe. It's not meant to follow the book/movies exactly. Just turn your brain off and enjoy.
(An Article from Teen Creatures Magazine)
How compatible are YOU With Gollum? Take this quiz to find out!
1) What's your idea of a romantic evening? (A) Staying home and snuggling on the couch, (B) Taking a moonlit stroll on the beach, (C) A candlelit dinner in a fancy restaurant, or (D) Crouching in a dank cave and talking to yourself
2) What I find most attractive in a man is: (A) Looks, (B) Money, (C) Sense of Humor, or (D) Protruding ribs and huge hollow eyes
3) What do you like to do in your spare time? (A) Read, (B) Sew, (C) Exercise, or (D) Skulk in shadows and stalk people
4) Your favorite food is: (A) Lembas, (B) Chocolate cake, (C) Stew, or (D) Raw fish, preferably still squirming
5) When you are upset, you: (A) Try to cheer yourself up, (B) Cry, (C) Eat too much, or (D) Allow your evil personality to take over and kill whoever upset you
Arwen hummed to herself softly as she went through the rest of the questions and marked her answers with her quill. "Let's see - all right, now to read the correct answers - oh no! I only got one right! Well, the question I did get right was a given, of course I fancy men with protruding ribs and huge hollow eyes!"
She sighed dreamily and fluttered her eyelashes at the picture that accompanied the quiz - Gollum on all fours and grinning widely, showing off all of his rotten razor sharp teeth. "But I need to work on these other ones! Hmm, the first one - crouching in a dank cave and talking to myself." Arwen tapped her index finger against her lips as she thought it over. "Ah ha!"
She jumped off the bed, clutching the magazine in her hands as she ran down the hallway to find her father. "Daddy! I need to go on a trip!"
~~The Shire~~
Pippin looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching, then snatched the copy of Teen Creatures off of Sam's kitchen table. He ran outside and hid in the bushes while he read about the Gollum Super Diet.
"Hmm," Pippin said. "Seems pretty easy to me. Just drink lots of water, do a lot of skulking, and chew your raw fish slowly so you think you're fuller. I can do that!" The young Hobbit clapped his hands with glee as fantasies of attracting numerous lasses with his newly underdeveloped bod danced through his head.
@@Begin Fantasy@@
"Oh, Pippin, you're SO sexy!" a random Hobbit lass squealed.
Pippin stood in the center of a large crowd, proudly displaying his new look. He was so thin you could clearly see the outline of all his bones. The prized size 0 loincloth hung low on his jagged hipbones.
"I know," Pippin said as he grinned. "But I owe it all to the Gollum Super Diet!"
"Oh, he's modest too!" another random lass swooned.
"Will you sign these, please!" another lass cried as she pulled open her bodice.
"Why, I'd be happy to - " Suddenly he was tackled by none other than Rosie Gamgee.
"Oh Pippin, marry me! All I can think about is you! I can't eat, I can't sleep! I want to bear your thirteen children!" Rosie begged as she clung to him.
Pippin grinned again and looked over at Sam, who was standing back from the crowd and looking furious. Flanking him were Merry and Frodo. Pippin called to them, "See! I told you! None of you believed me! Well look who's sexy now!"
The lasses turned to look at the other male Hobbits. "Eww! They're so - fleshy!" One cried.
"You can't see any of their bones!" Another lass added in horror.
"Go away, go away!" All the lasses started chanting. Sighing in defeat, Sam, Merry and Frodo walked away with their heads hung low.
Pippin laughed and turned his attention back to his group of admirers. "Right then. Who wanted what body part signed?"
@@End Fantasy@@
Pippin smiled to himself. "Oh yeah. Watch out, lasses!" He shouted as he leapt out of the bushes, scaring a group of children half to death. Pippin however was too excited to notice. He ran back into the house and dropped the magazine back onto the table, then headed out to practice his skulking technique.
~~Isengard~~
Grima Wormtongue sighed and wondered if he could plead insanity if he killed Saruman. He'd thought the wizard's Gollum fascination was just a harmless little hobby - at first. Then the posters started going up, then the shrine - and then one morning, Saruman had come prancing into Grima's private chambers wearing that loincloth. Grima had bashed his own head against the wall several times to wake himself up from this apparent nightmare until he realized that this, unfortunately, was not a dream.
Right now he was just trying to keep his supper down while Saruman sat on top of the table on all fours, noisily tearing apart a raw fish with his teeth and eating it. And worse yet, the wizard felt the need to talk while he was doing it.
"And it says in that article that Gollum hates 'nassssty' people - and he uses the same shampoo I do!" Tiny pieces of chewed-up fish flew through the air as he spoke.
Grima pushed his own plate aside and fought down the rising vomit in his throat. "Of course he does, it's 'Gollum's Swamp Magic Shampoo'," Grima muttered. The stuff looked like sludge scraped off of swamp rocks and smelled like rotting fish carcasses.
"I mean, he's just soooo cool!" Saruman gushed. "He would be so great to hang out with! I could totally see us being friends, can't you?"
"Sure," Grima said without much enthusiasm. He added under his breath, "Right, and I'm a virgin." Grima thought for a moment. "Oh wait, I AM a virgin." He sighed and added 'get lucky' to his list of things to do before he died, right under 'kill Saruman'.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: Just wanted to respond to my reviews before we got started. Thanks to all of you who have enjoyed it so far. To the one that brought up that Grima/Saruman/Gollum all die in the book, I am aware of that. Note the AU in the summary. Alternate Universe. It's not meant to follow the book/movies exactly. Just turn your brain off and enjoy.
(An Article from Teen Creatures Magazine)
How compatible are YOU With Gollum? Take this quiz to find out!
1) What's your idea of a romantic evening? (A) Staying home and snuggling on the couch, (B) Taking a moonlit stroll on the beach, (C) A candlelit dinner in a fancy restaurant, or (D) Crouching in a dank cave and talking to yourself
2) What I find most attractive in a man is: (A) Looks, (B) Money, (C) Sense of Humor, or (D) Protruding ribs and huge hollow eyes
3) What do you like to do in your spare time? (A) Read, (B) Sew, (C) Exercise, or (D) Skulk in shadows and stalk people
4) Your favorite food is: (A) Lembas, (B) Chocolate cake, (C) Stew, or (D) Raw fish, preferably still squirming
5) When you are upset, you: (A) Try to cheer yourself up, (B) Cry, (C) Eat too much, or (D) Allow your evil personality to take over and kill whoever upset you
Arwen hummed to herself softly as she went through the rest of the questions and marked her answers with her quill. "Let's see - all right, now to read the correct answers - oh no! I only got one right! Well, the question I did get right was a given, of course I fancy men with protruding ribs and huge hollow eyes!"
She sighed dreamily and fluttered her eyelashes at the picture that accompanied the quiz - Gollum on all fours and grinning widely, showing off all of his rotten razor sharp teeth. "But I need to work on these other ones! Hmm, the first one - crouching in a dank cave and talking to myself." Arwen tapped her index finger against her lips as she thought it over. "Ah ha!"
She jumped off the bed, clutching the magazine in her hands as she ran down the hallway to find her father. "Daddy! I need to go on a trip!"
~~The Shire~~
Pippin looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching, then snatched the copy of Teen Creatures off of Sam's kitchen table. He ran outside and hid in the bushes while he read about the Gollum Super Diet.
"Hmm," Pippin said. "Seems pretty easy to me. Just drink lots of water, do a lot of skulking, and chew your raw fish slowly so you think you're fuller. I can do that!" The young Hobbit clapped his hands with glee as fantasies of attracting numerous lasses with his newly underdeveloped bod danced through his head.
@@Begin Fantasy@@
"Oh, Pippin, you're SO sexy!" a random Hobbit lass squealed.
Pippin stood in the center of a large crowd, proudly displaying his new look. He was so thin you could clearly see the outline of all his bones. The prized size 0 loincloth hung low on his jagged hipbones.
"I know," Pippin said as he grinned. "But I owe it all to the Gollum Super Diet!"
"Oh, he's modest too!" another random lass swooned.
"Will you sign these, please!" another lass cried as she pulled open her bodice.
"Why, I'd be happy to - " Suddenly he was tackled by none other than Rosie Gamgee.
"Oh Pippin, marry me! All I can think about is you! I can't eat, I can't sleep! I want to bear your thirteen children!" Rosie begged as she clung to him.
Pippin grinned again and looked over at Sam, who was standing back from the crowd and looking furious. Flanking him were Merry and Frodo. Pippin called to them, "See! I told you! None of you believed me! Well look who's sexy now!"
The lasses turned to look at the other male Hobbits. "Eww! They're so - fleshy!" One cried.
"You can't see any of their bones!" Another lass added in horror.
"Go away, go away!" All the lasses started chanting. Sighing in defeat, Sam, Merry and Frodo walked away with their heads hung low.
Pippin laughed and turned his attention back to his group of admirers. "Right then. Who wanted what body part signed?"
@@End Fantasy@@
Pippin smiled to himself. "Oh yeah. Watch out, lasses!" He shouted as he leapt out of the bushes, scaring a group of children half to death. Pippin however was too excited to notice. He ran back into the house and dropped the magazine back onto the table, then headed out to practice his skulking technique.
~~Isengard~~
Grima Wormtongue sighed and wondered if he could plead insanity if he killed Saruman. He'd thought the wizard's Gollum fascination was just a harmless little hobby - at first. Then the posters started going up, then the shrine - and then one morning, Saruman had come prancing into Grima's private chambers wearing that loincloth. Grima had bashed his own head against the wall several times to wake himself up from this apparent nightmare until he realized that this, unfortunately, was not a dream.
Right now he was just trying to keep his supper down while Saruman sat on top of the table on all fours, noisily tearing apart a raw fish with his teeth and eating it. And worse yet, the wizard felt the need to talk while he was doing it.
"And it says in that article that Gollum hates 'nassssty' people - and he uses the same shampoo I do!" Tiny pieces of chewed-up fish flew through the air as he spoke.
Grima pushed his own plate aside and fought down the rising vomit in his throat. "Of course he does, it's 'Gollum's Swamp Magic Shampoo'," Grima muttered. The stuff looked like sludge scraped off of swamp rocks and smelled like rotting fish carcasses.
"I mean, he's just soooo cool!" Saruman gushed. "He would be so great to hang out with! I could totally see us being friends, can't you?"
"Sure," Grima said without much enthusiasm. He added under his breath, "Right, and I'm a virgin." Grima thought for a moment. "Oh wait, I AM a virgin." He sighed and added 'get lucky' to his list of things to do before he died, right under 'kill Saruman'.