Title: Gollum Mania! 3/?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: Time to comment on reviews again:
Katherine, Eirtae, Danielsgirl4eva, Sammy Took, and Lassemista: Thanks for the great reviews!
Avelera: They aren't meant to be in character really, but thanks for saying you thought they were! Hmm, what WOULD a Hobbit say instead of 'sexy'?
leggylover: I write these stories for myself, and if someone else likes them that's a bonus. My writing style is my own and I don't plan on changing it. Sorry you don't like it. And yes, this story is disturbing. Hence the warning above.
~~The Misty Mountains~~
Arwen had decided that there was no better place to begin her first step of becoming the perfect woman for Gollum than to go where Gollum had lived in solitude for so long, in the caves deep inside of the Misty Mountains. She dismounted her horse and eagerly climbed the rocky cliff until she found an entrance.
She crawled through the damp tunnels until she came to a wide-open underground cavern. There were large rocks jutting out and below those, a small pond of stagnant water. Arwen clapped her hands with delight. This was perfect!
"All right, now - how to begin?" Arwen murmured to herself as she looked around. "Oh, right! Crouching comes first!" She crouched down on a rock. "And then, I'm supposed to talk to myself. Hmm, what should I talk about?" She considered this question for a few minutes before beginning.
"How are you today, Arwen? My, your hair looks lovely. Where did you get that dress? You look like you've lost weight! What kind of shampoo do you use?" She continued to talk to herself for many hours, until her legs were cramping and her voice was getting hoarse. Elven stamina or no, crouching in a dank cave and talking to yourself was hard work! That knowledge made Arwen admire Gollum even more for being able to do it for 500 years.
"All right, time for a short break!" She stood up carefully and stretched. It was then she heard another voice echoing through the cavern.
"You really should leave him, he's such a pansy, and so terrible in the sack, he hasn't pleasured you in what, 800 years? He just spends all his time looking all wise and mysterious, like anybody's fooled! Everyone knows you're the talented one! When they come to Lorien it's YOU they've come to see, not him! Oh well, at least you've managed to keep your affair with Haldir's brothers a secret -" the familiar voice babbled on.
Arwen couldn't believe her ears. "Grandmother?" She called.
The voice went silent. A moment later there was the sound of footsteps, and from around a corner appeared Galadriel. The older Elf's mouth fell open. "Arwen?"
"What are you doing here?" Arwen sputtered.
Galadriel crossed her arms in front of her. "Nothing," She replied casually. She was quickly proven a liar as a copy of Teen Creatures fell out of her robes.
"Ah ha!" Arwen cried as she pointed at the magazine accusingly. "You're trying to become the perfect woman for Gollum!"
Galadriel glared back at her granddaughter. "So what if I am?"
Arwen bared her teeth. "He's mine!"
The Elven witch began to glow a bright blue and her voice deepened. "Do not challenge me, child!"
"Now, wait a moment," Arwen said, holding her hands up. "Would Gollum want us acting like this?"
Galadriel considered this and the glow faded. "I suppose not," She conceded.
"I believe he would want us to be acting more like - THIS!" Arwen shrieked. She bared her teeth and made loud hissing noises as she lunged at her grandmother, trying to claw her eyes out.
The two Elves rolled around on the cold wet rock, hissing, howling, and clawing at each other. The sound of their battle echoed throughout the caves and over the mountains. Those who overheard the noises shuddered in horror, only being able to imagine what terrible creatures must be dwelling in those caves to make such a sound.
~~The Shire~~
Sam Gamgee had finally managed to tear his wife away from that stupid magazine and had convinced her to take a walk with him out in the fields behind their home. He held her hand as they strolled through the tall grass and flowers and engaged her in conversation about anything NOT related to Gollum.
"It's such a beautiful day," Rosie commented as they strolled under the mid- day sun.
Sam pulled Rosie close and looked deeply into her eyes. "You're more beautiful," he murmured as he brought his lips to hers. He felt her responding to his affections and lowered her down to the ground. Things were just starting to get really heated when there was a rustling in the grass.
"Sam, what's that?" Rosie asked between kisses.
"Nothing, just some animal," Sam insisted as he worked on the lacings of her bodice.
"But I thought I heard - AHHHHHHH!" Rosie screamed as something jumped out of the tall grass and almost landed on them. Sam spun around with his fists raised and was about to throw a punch when he saw who it was.
"Pippin?"
Pippin giggled and jumped to his feet. "Sorry about that! I was just practicing my skulking. What do you think, did I do well?"
Sam groaned. "You're trying to be like Gollum, aren't you? I'm telling Merry!"
Rosie, who had been ready to deck Pippin herself a moment ago, brightened instantly at the mention of her favorite subject. "Is that true?" She asked Pippin, looking impressed.
Pippin struck what he hoped was a manly pose. "Yep! I've gone on the Gollum Super Diet!"
"Oh Pippin, that's so - manly." Rosie cooed, batting her eyelashes.
Pippin grinned as he recalled his fantasy from earlier. "Just wait until I can fit into that size 0 loincloth."
Rosie sighed dreamily as she pictured Pippin as emaciated as her beloved Gollum. "You'll be the handsomest lad in the Shire!"
Sam rolled his eyes and stood up. "I'll leave you two alone," He said crossly. He stalked back to the house, leaving Rosie and Pippin to their discussion.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: Time to comment on reviews again:
Katherine, Eirtae, Danielsgirl4eva, Sammy Took, and Lassemista: Thanks for the great reviews!
Avelera: They aren't meant to be in character really, but thanks for saying you thought they were! Hmm, what WOULD a Hobbit say instead of 'sexy'?
leggylover: I write these stories for myself, and if someone else likes them that's a bonus. My writing style is my own and I don't plan on changing it. Sorry you don't like it. And yes, this story is disturbing. Hence the warning above.
~~The Misty Mountains~~
Arwen had decided that there was no better place to begin her first step of becoming the perfect woman for Gollum than to go where Gollum had lived in solitude for so long, in the caves deep inside of the Misty Mountains. She dismounted her horse and eagerly climbed the rocky cliff until she found an entrance.
She crawled through the damp tunnels until she came to a wide-open underground cavern. There were large rocks jutting out and below those, a small pond of stagnant water. Arwen clapped her hands with delight. This was perfect!
"All right, now - how to begin?" Arwen murmured to herself as she looked around. "Oh, right! Crouching comes first!" She crouched down on a rock. "And then, I'm supposed to talk to myself. Hmm, what should I talk about?" She considered this question for a few minutes before beginning.
"How are you today, Arwen? My, your hair looks lovely. Where did you get that dress? You look like you've lost weight! What kind of shampoo do you use?" She continued to talk to herself for many hours, until her legs were cramping and her voice was getting hoarse. Elven stamina or no, crouching in a dank cave and talking to yourself was hard work! That knowledge made Arwen admire Gollum even more for being able to do it for 500 years.
"All right, time for a short break!" She stood up carefully and stretched. It was then she heard another voice echoing through the cavern.
"You really should leave him, he's such a pansy, and so terrible in the sack, he hasn't pleasured you in what, 800 years? He just spends all his time looking all wise and mysterious, like anybody's fooled! Everyone knows you're the talented one! When they come to Lorien it's YOU they've come to see, not him! Oh well, at least you've managed to keep your affair with Haldir's brothers a secret -" the familiar voice babbled on.
Arwen couldn't believe her ears. "Grandmother?" She called.
The voice went silent. A moment later there was the sound of footsteps, and from around a corner appeared Galadriel. The older Elf's mouth fell open. "Arwen?"
"What are you doing here?" Arwen sputtered.
Galadriel crossed her arms in front of her. "Nothing," She replied casually. She was quickly proven a liar as a copy of Teen Creatures fell out of her robes.
"Ah ha!" Arwen cried as she pointed at the magazine accusingly. "You're trying to become the perfect woman for Gollum!"
Galadriel glared back at her granddaughter. "So what if I am?"
Arwen bared her teeth. "He's mine!"
The Elven witch began to glow a bright blue and her voice deepened. "Do not challenge me, child!"
"Now, wait a moment," Arwen said, holding her hands up. "Would Gollum want us acting like this?"
Galadriel considered this and the glow faded. "I suppose not," She conceded.
"I believe he would want us to be acting more like - THIS!" Arwen shrieked. She bared her teeth and made loud hissing noises as she lunged at her grandmother, trying to claw her eyes out.
The two Elves rolled around on the cold wet rock, hissing, howling, and clawing at each other. The sound of their battle echoed throughout the caves and over the mountains. Those who overheard the noises shuddered in horror, only being able to imagine what terrible creatures must be dwelling in those caves to make such a sound.
~~The Shire~~
Sam Gamgee had finally managed to tear his wife away from that stupid magazine and had convinced her to take a walk with him out in the fields behind their home. He held her hand as they strolled through the tall grass and flowers and engaged her in conversation about anything NOT related to Gollum.
"It's such a beautiful day," Rosie commented as they strolled under the mid- day sun.
Sam pulled Rosie close and looked deeply into her eyes. "You're more beautiful," he murmured as he brought his lips to hers. He felt her responding to his affections and lowered her down to the ground. Things were just starting to get really heated when there was a rustling in the grass.
"Sam, what's that?" Rosie asked between kisses.
"Nothing, just some animal," Sam insisted as he worked on the lacings of her bodice.
"But I thought I heard - AHHHHHHH!" Rosie screamed as something jumped out of the tall grass and almost landed on them. Sam spun around with his fists raised and was about to throw a punch when he saw who it was.
"Pippin?"
Pippin giggled and jumped to his feet. "Sorry about that! I was just practicing my skulking. What do you think, did I do well?"
Sam groaned. "You're trying to be like Gollum, aren't you? I'm telling Merry!"
Rosie, who had been ready to deck Pippin herself a moment ago, brightened instantly at the mention of her favorite subject. "Is that true?" She asked Pippin, looking impressed.
Pippin struck what he hoped was a manly pose. "Yep! I've gone on the Gollum Super Diet!"
"Oh Pippin, that's so - manly." Rosie cooed, batting her eyelashes.
Pippin grinned as he recalled his fantasy from earlier. "Just wait until I can fit into that size 0 loincloth."
Rosie sighed dreamily as she pictured Pippin as emaciated as her beloved Gollum. "You'll be the handsomest lad in the Shire!"
Sam rolled his eyes and stood up. "I'll leave you two alone," He said crossly. He stalked back to the house, leaving Rosie and Pippin to their discussion.