Title: Gollum Mania! 5/?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary, some Celeborn bashing, mild sexual themes, Grima + loincloth = VERY scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: I'm trying to decide who/what I want to be Gollum's agent/manager. Any suggestions let me know. Doesn't have to be a character that already exists in LOTR. I just can't seem to make a decision.
I also want to apologize for the mental damage I will no doubt cause with the image of Grima in a loincloth. I'm shuddering at the image of Brad Dourif (who played Grima) in a loincloth as I write this. I'm a fan of Brad's but it's still a freaky image. Oh, and I have nothing against Celeborn. Thought he was pretty hot in the movie. Haldir too. And Elrond - hmm it seems I have a thing for Elves. Although Legolas actually doesn't do much for me (ducks flaming arrows). Okay, I'm getting off track here -
To my reviewers:
Katherine, Eirtae, StaceyBaggins922, Phoenix, Gollum/Katie: Thanks for the reviews!
Lassemista, err, Lasse - I guess you can call me Ahl if I get to call you Lasse. Wow! I'm on a nickname basis with a reviewer. How cool is that? I prefer Elves too, though I wouldn't mind giving Merry and Pippin a few snuggles. Those big hairy feet though - not my thing.
LMG - What would happen if you set Gollum on fire? I don't know, his slime coat might protect him.
Sache - Um - I don't know if your review was a compliment or not, but it's nice to know you thought of my story when you saw the movie. Sorry if it ruined the experience for you LOL.
Evil Old Lady - If you keep reading, stock up on aspirin, it can only get worse.
If anyone is a member of livejournal and is willing to provide me with a code so I can get a free account, it would be most appreciated. In return you get my eternal servitude! Err, well, it'd make me happy.
~~Lorien~~
Celeborn sighed as he sat on the balcony and looked over the beautiful land he and his wife ruled over. But for all of it's splendor, he felt terribly alone and depressed. His wife had become distant from him. She spent many long hours locked in her own separate chambers, and then would depart mysteriously at night and not reappear until morning. True, having been together for centuries tended to breed a certain amount of boredom in a relationship, but Galadriel had stopped showing any sort of interest in him at all. And lately - well, she had become just plain odd. And then she had left Lorien without a word to anyone. It was most perplexing.
He tapped his fingers against the arm of his chair as he waited for Haldir to return. He had ordered his most trusted guard to search Galadriel's chambers for anything that may give a clue as to the reasons behind her increasingly erratic behavior as of late.
"My Lord." Haldir had returned. He knelt before Celeborn and lowered his head respectfully. "I have - discovered something in the Lady's chambers."
Celeborn motioned for Haldir to rise. "What have you found?"
The broad-shouldered Elf held out a magazine. "This was under her bed. There has been much written by the Lady's hand in it. It is some sort of publication called 'Teen Creatures'."
Celeborn furrowed his brows, "The Lady is a little old to be concerned with such triteness, I should think." He stared at the cover. "Gollum? Since when has that vile creature become so popular?" He hmmed to himself as he opened the magazine.
"Gollum's Love Advice." Celeborn said as he read the title of the article. He looked up at Haldir. "Apparently people write letters to Gollum to ask for advice on their personal lives." The two male Elves exchanged equally perplexed looks and Celeborn read the first letter aloud.
"Dear Gollum,
I am an Elf Queen that has been married for thousands of years to the most boring man to ever exist. We have not made love in hundreds of years and I have sought my pleasure with other men to fill the void. The problem is, I always get bored with my lovers after a short time. Can you recommend anything I might be able to do to spice up my affairs so I may keep a lover longer? If I go through many more men, even as dense a person as my husband may get suspicious.
Signed, Lady G"
Haldir coughed behind his cupped hand and turned away so Celeborn couldn't see his reaction. It was obvious who had written that letter.
Celeborn said, "I wonder who this 'Lady G' is?"
Haldir choked at that and his shoulders shook slightly as he struggled not to chortle at his Lord's cluelessness. The Lady did have a point about Celeborn being dense.
"Well, let's see what Gollum's reply was," Celeborn continued, oblivious to the reaction of his guard as he read the response to the letter aloud:
"Lady G,
Mating nice, yessss. We likes touching. Touching nice. We get female to roleplay, yesss we do. Pretend they are something else, like tasty fish for usss to eat up! Or naughty Hobbit we needs to punish! Yesss, we likes to play naughty Hobbit! Nasty Hobbitses need good sspanking!"
Celeborn chuckled, "That Gollum fellow certainly dislikes Hobbits, doesn't he? Oh, here's some of Galadriel's writing, with an arrow pointing to that letter." He read aloud what Galadriel had written in the margin of the page:
**Why didn't I think of that before? Roleplaying! What a marvelous idea. The next time I meet with Orophin and Rumil we will have to try it. Hmm, what should we play? Perhaps they can both pretend to be Gollum and I can pretend to be a nice tasty fish for them to devour. Oh, better yet, I could pretend to be a maiden selling fresh fish and they have to 'convince' me to give them some. I could even dress them in loincloths and make them talk and move just like he does - ooh, I get shivers just picturing it!**
Haldir paled at the mention of his brothers' names. He swallowed hard and watched warily for his Lord's reaction.
Celeborn looked up and smiled pleasantly. "Well, at least this letter from 'Lady G' has given my wife some ideas on how to entertain herself." He clapped his hands excitedly. "A play! That DOES sound fun! I do hope she can convince your brothers to participate. Perhaps we could even join in, what do you think, Haldir?"
Haldir stared at Celeborn for a long moment before realizing that his Lord thought Galadriel was talking about putting on a REAL play, and not some kinky sex game with Haldir's two brothers. The warrior felt laughter rising to the surface and struggled to hold it back.
"My Lord - if you would - excuse me a moment," Haldir managed before running out of the room.
Celeborn looked back at the note his wife had written. "I could be a good husband and help her out, have someone make the loincloths for her - wouldn't she be surprised! I know someone who's quite good with costumes -" The Elf Lord looked up again as peals of hysterical laughter echoed from down below.
He rose from his seat and peeked over the edge of the balcony. On the walkway below was Haldir, rolling on the ground and laughing so hard tears were streaming from his eyes. He was clutching his stomach as he did so and his face had gone an odd shade of red.
"I wonder what's come over him," Celeborn said to himself.
~~Isengard~~
Grima Wormtongue groaned and covered his head with his blanket as the door to his chambers flew open. "Grima! Time to get up!" A cheery voice sang.
No, Grima's mind screamed. Please, don't let him be here for the reason I think he is -
Saruman pranced over to the bed and yanked the covers off of his servant. "Up now! I've got a surpriiiiise for youuuu!" He sang.
Grima prepared for the worst as he got out of bed. When he reached for his robes Saruman stopped him. "Ooooh no you don't! You haven't forgotten our conversation from last night, have you? Look what I got!"
The wizard proudly held up a bright purple loincloth. "I thought this would go great with your skin tone. Now put it on!"
Grima winced, but knew it was useless to disagree with his master. Ticking off a super powerful wizard was always a bad move. He sighed and took the loincloth from Saruman's hand. He turned away from the other man as he put the loincloth on.
"Come on, let's see it!" Saruman said impatiently. He squealed with delight and clapped his hands as Grima reluctantly turned to face him. "Oh, it's perfect! I was a little worried about the size, but it looks good!"
Grima couldn't bear to meet the other man's eyes as Saruman made him turn around in a circle for a full inspection. Grima was not as skinny as Saruman, but still thin, though he did have a bit of middle-age paunch at the belly. Although this was humiliating, he had to admit that the purple material DID go well with the sickly yellow color of his skin.
Saruman tugged at the material at Grima's left hip. "Just a little lower - good! Well, you need to lose weight, but we're going to start working on that today. No more beef and cakes for you, my friend! From this day on only water and raw fish!" He grabbed Grima by the arm. "Now come with me to the shrine, you must stand before the altar of the Slimy One and be initiated into the Isengard chapter of the Gollum Fan Club!"
Grima allowed himself to be dragged through the tower to the main chamber where the shrine to Gollum was. Saruman eagerly pushed him down to kneel before the shrine and knelt beside him. The wizard raised his arms into the air and began to recite dramatically the words of initiation.
"He likes usss, yesss he does! He wants to be usss, yesss he does! We love Gollum, he loves usss! We thank Gollum for the tasty fishes and the loincloths covering our asses! Grima is our friend, we loves Grima! Grima loves us! Grima friend, not nasssty!" Saruman then grabbed Grima and pulled him to his feet. "Now to show your appreciation you must do the Dance of Acceptance. Follow me!"
Saruman began to caper about the room and Grima did his best to imitate his movements. More than once the younger man tripped and fell - giving him a rather unwanted view up Saruman's loincloth.
Grima didn't think he'd have to worry about the fish only diet much. After the view he'd just gotten he didn't think he'd want to eat anytime soon anyway.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary, some Celeborn bashing, mild sexual themes, Grima + loincloth = VERY scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: I'm trying to decide who/what I want to be Gollum's agent/manager. Any suggestions let me know. Doesn't have to be a character that already exists in LOTR. I just can't seem to make a decision.
I also want to apologize for the mental damage I will no doubt cause with the image of Grima in a loincloth. I'm shuddering at the image of Brad Dourif (who played Grima) in a loincloth as I write this. I'm a fan of Brad's but it's still a freaky image. Oh, and I have nothing against Celeborn. Thought he was pretty hot in the movie. Haldir too. And Elrond - hmm it seems I have a thing for Elves. Although Legolas actually doesn't do much for me (ducks flaming arrows). Okay, I'm getting off track here -
To my reviewers:
Katherine, Eirtae, StaceyBaggins922, Phoenix, Gollum/Katie: Thanks for the reviews!
Lassemista, err, Lasse - I guess you can call me Ahl if I get to call you Lasse. Wow! I'm on a nickname basis with a reviewer. How cool is that? I prefer Elves too, though I wouldn't mind giving Merry and Pippin a few snuggles. Those big hairy feet though - not my thing.
LMG - What would happen if you set Gollum on fire? I don't know, his slime coat might protect him.
Sache - Um - I don't know if your review was a compliment or not, but it's nice to know you thought of my story when you saw the movie. Sorry if it ruined the experience for you LOL.
Evil Old Lady - If you keep reading, stock up on aspirin, it can only get worse.
If anyone is a member of livejournal and is willing to provide me with a code so I can get a free account, it would be most appreciated. In return you get my eternal servitude! Err, well, it'd make me happy.
~~Lorien~~
Celeborn sighed as he sat on the balcony and looked over the beautiful land he and his wife ruled over. But for all of it's splendor, he felt terribly alone and depressed. His wife had become distant from him. She spent many long hours locked in her own separate chambers, and then would depart mysteriously at night and not reappear until morning. True, having been together for centuries tended to breed a certain amount of boredom in a relationship, but Galadriel had stopped showing any sort of interest in him at all. And lately - well, she had become just plain odd. And then she had left Lorien without a word to anyone. It was most perplexing.
He tapped his fingers against the arm of his chair as he waited for Haldir to return. He had ordered his most trusted guard to search Galadriel's chambers for anything that may give a clue as to the reasons behind her increasingly erratic behavior as of late.
"My Lord." Haldir had returned. He knelt before Celeborn and lowered his head respectfully. "I have - discovered something in the Lady's chambers."
Celeborn motioned for Haldir to rise. "What have you found?"
The broad-shouldered Elf held out a magazine. "This was under her bed. There has been much written by the Lady's hand in it. It is some sort of publication called 'Teen Creatures'."
Celeborn furrowed his brows, "The Lady is a little old to be concerned with such triteness, I should think." He stared at the cover. "Gollum? Since when has that vile creature become so popular?" He hmmed to himself as he opened the magazine.
"Gollum's Love Advice." Celeborn said as he read the title of the article. He looked up at Haldir. "Apparently people write letters to Gollum to ask for advice on their personal lives." The two male Elves exchanged equally perplexed looks and Celeborn read the first letter aloud.
"Dear Gollum,
I am an Elf Queen that has been married for thousands of years to the most boring man to ever exist. We have not made love in hundreds of years and I have sought my pleasure with other men to fill the void. The problem is, I always get bored with my lovers after a short time. Can you recommend anything I might be able to do to spice up my affairs so I may keep a lover longer? If I go through many more men, even as dense a person as my husband may get suspicious.
Signed, Lady G"
Haldir coughed behind his cupped hand and turned away so Celeborn couldn't see his reaction. It was obvious who had written that letter.
Celeborn said, "I wonder who this 'Lady G' is?"
Haldir choked at that and his shoulders shook slightly as he struggled not to chortle at his Lord's cluelessness. The Lady did have a point about Celeborn being dense.
"Well, let's see what Gollum's reply was," Celeborn continued, oblivious to the reaction of his guard as he read the response to the letter aloud:
"Lady G,
Mating nice, yessss. We likes touching. Touching nice. We get female to roleplay, yesss we do. Pretend they are something else, like tasty fish for usss to eat up! Or naughty Hobbit we needs to punish! Yesss, we likes to play naughty Hobbit! Nasty Hobbitses need good sspanking!"
Celeborn chuckled, "That Gollum fellow certainly dislikes Hobbits, doesn't he? Oh, here's some of Galadriel's writing, with an arrow pointing to that letter." He read aloud what Galadriel had written in the margin of the page:
**Why didn't I think of that before? Roleplaying! What a marvelous idea. The next time I meet with Orophin and Rumil we will have to try it. Hmm, what should we play? Perhaps they can both pretend to be Gollum and I can pretend to be a nice tasty fish for them to devour. Oh, better yet, I could pretend to be a maiden selling fresh fish and they have to 'convince' me to give them some. I could even dress them in loincloths and make them talk and move just like he does - ooh, I get shivers just picturing it!**
Haldir paled at the mention of his brothers' names. He swallowed hard and watched warily for his Lord's reaction.
Celeborn looked up and smiled pleasantly. "Well, at least this letter from 'Lady G' has given my wife some ideas on how to entertain herself." He clapped his hands excitedly. "A play! That DOES sound fun! I do hope she can convince your brothers to participate. Perhaps we could even join in, what do you think, Haldir?"
Haldir stared at Celeborn for a long moment before realizing that his Lord thought Galadriel was talking about putting on a REAL play, and not some kinky sex game with Haldir's two brothers. The warrior felt laughter rising to the surface and struggled to hold it back.
"My Lord - if you would - excuse me a moment," Haldir managed before running out of the room.
Celeborn looked back at the note his wife had written. "I could be a good husband and help her out, have someone make the loincloths for her - wouldn't she be surprised! I know someone who's quite good with costumes -" The Elf Lord looked up again as peals of hysterical laughter echoed from down below.
He rose from his seat and peeked over the edge of the balcony. On the walkway below was Haldir, rolling on the ground and laughing so hard tears were streaming from his eyes. He was clutching his stomach as he did so and his face had gone an odd shade of red.
"I wonder what's come over him," Celeborn said to himself.
~~Isengard~~
Grima Wormtongue groaned and covered his head with his blanket as the door to his chambers flew open. "Grima! Time to get up!" A cheery voice sang.
No, Grima's mind screamed. Please, don't let him be here for the reason I think he is -
Saruman pranced over to the bed and yanked the covers off of his servant. "Up now! I've got a surpriiiiise for youuuu!" He sang.
Grima prepared for the worst as he got out of bed. When he reached for his robes Saruman stopped him. "Ooooh no you don't! You haven't forgotten our conversation from last night, have you? Look what I got!"
The wizard proudly held up a bright purple loincloth. "I thought this would go great with your skin tone. Now put it on!"
Grima winced, but knew it was useless to disagree with his master. Ticking off a super powerful wizard was always a bad move. He sighed and took the loincloth from Saruman's hand. He turned away from the other man as he put the loincloth on.
"Come on, let's see it!" Saruman said impatiently. He squealed with delight and clapped his hands as Grima reluctantly turned to face him. "Oh, it's perfect! I was a little worried about the size, but it looks good!"
Grima couldn't bear to meet the other man's eyes as Saruman made him turn around in a circle for a full inspection. Grima was not as skinny as Saruman, but still thin, though he did have a bit of middle-age paunch at the belly. Although this was humiliating, he had to admit that the purple material DID go well with the sickly yellow color of his skin.
Saruman tugged at the material at Grima's left hip. "Just a little lower - good! Well, you need to lose weight, but we're going to start working on that today. No more beef and cakes for you, my friend! From this day on only water and raw fish!" He grabbed Grima by the arm. "Now come with me to the shrine, you must stand before the altar of the Slimy One and be initiated into the Isengard chapter of the Gollum Fan Club!"
Grima allowed himself to be dragged through the tower to the main chamber where the shrine to Gollum was. Saruman eagerly pushed him down to kneel before the shrine and knelt beside him. The wizard raised his arms into the air and began to recite dramatically the words of initiation.
"He likes usss, yesss he does! He wants to be usss, yesss he does! We love Gollum, he loves usss! We thank Gollum for the tasty fishes and the loincloths covering our asses! Grima is our friend, we loves Grima! Grima loves us! Grima friend, not nasssty!" Saruman then grabbed Grima and pulled him to his feet. "Now to show your appreciation you must do the Dance of Acceptance. Follow me!"
Saruman began to caper about the room and Grima did his best to imitate his movements. More than once the younger man tripped and fell - giving him a rather unwanted view up Saruman's loincloth.
Grima didn't think he'd have to worry about the fish only diet much. After the view he'd just gotten he didn't think he'd want to eat anytime soon anyway.