Title: Gollum Mania! 6/?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary, mild sexual themes
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: I know it's been a few days since I've updated. Things are kind of busy right now and I've been having trouble focusing to write this. I just want to thank everyone who's reviewed so far. I got so many reviews from last chapter I don't really have the time to address everyone individually right now, so - thanks to everyone, it means a lot! And keep reading!
And since several people asked - I have nothing against Celeborn, in fact I thought he was pretty sexy in the movie. He just seems easy to pick on for some reason. I notice he's a favorite bashing target of other humor writers as well, much like one of my other faves Boromir. I make fun of everybody eventually in my fics, I don't really hate anyone.
~~Gondor~~
Aragorn, King of Gondor, was gradually losing his mind. He imagined that it began the day Arwen had called Gollum's name out while they were making love.
**Begin Flashback**
He pulled away from his Queen in shock, all desire having swiftly left his body. "Did - did you just say - GOLLUM?"
Arwen blushed and said between still-heavy breaths, "Oh, I'm sorry darling. It was just a slip."
"A slip? Why in the Valar's name were you thinking about that filthy creature at a time like this?!" Aragorn shouted.
Arwen's eyes narrowed and she grabbed for her gown. "Don't talk that way about him."
Aragorn stared at his wife as if she'd gone insane. "Hello, remember Gollum, slimy, multiple personalities, bit Frodo's finger off - THAT Gollum?"
"He's just misunderstood! It was the Ring that made him that way, before that he was almost just like Frodo!" Arwen argued. "And stop calling him names, he's adorable! More than adorable - sexy!"
"SEXY?!" Aragorn yelled in disbelief. "You can't be serious!"
"Of course I'm serious!" She reached under the mattress of their bed and pulled out a stack of magazines. The one on the top was named 'Slimy Gents Quarterly'. "Read for yourself! He's charming, and sensitive - everything you're not!" Arwen declared. "That's it, I've had enough. I've spent months trying to pretend I'm happy with you, pretending you were Gollum while we were making love -"
"You've been doing it for MONTHS?" Aragorn felt sick to his stomach.
Arwen tossed her head and glared at her husband. "Yes! But I'm tired of pretending. I'm leaving you. I'm going back to Daddy, and with his help I am going to make my fantasy a reality. Gollum will be mine!"
**End Flashback**
She had left the next day. He had thought at first it was merely some passing fad, and soon she would be back. But she had not returned, nor tried to contact him at all. He had waited and waited, to no avail. She would not respond to the messages he sent.
That was when his mind began to break. And he blamed it all on Gollum. That slimy, scrawny beast had taken the love of his life away from him. Thus began Aragorn's obsession - his obsession to destroy Gollum.
After he had taken care of matters of state for the day, the King headed to a room deep in the castle that he had forbidden anyone else to enter. He locked himself inside and lit the numerous candles around the room.
Aragorn didn't know it, but his secret room greatly resembled Saruman's Gollum shrine - but the purposes were quite different. Aragorn did not come here to worship Gollum. He came here to plot his doom.
Aragorn had read every single publication that had even the slightest mention of Gollum. He knew everything about his nemesis. He lined the walls with pictures of his foe and stared at them for long hours as he imagined hundreds of ways to kill the creature - often giggling in insane glee as he did so.
"Soon, my friend," Aragorn murmured as he began to throw knives at his homemade Gollum target dummy. "Soon, we shall meet - and you will pay for taking my wife from me."
~~The Shire~~
"Ow! Merry let go, that hurts!" Pippin protested as he was dragged by his ear through the field.
"I'm not letting go of you until we sit down and sort this nonsense out!" Merry said angrily. "What did I tell you about this Gollum nonsense? And to be carrying on with Rosie like that, Sam's own wife! How could you do such a thing?"
"I didn't do anything!" Pippin cried indignantly. "I was practicing my skulking and I ran into Sam and Rosie about to play 'hide the sausage'. Sam wanted to know what I was doing and I told him. Rosie was interested and so we started talking about Gollum, that's all!"
Merry hmphed. "Right, and that's why when Sam and I found you, you were half naked and doing those stupid poses for Rosie -"
"She liked it!" Pippin pointed out.
"That's not the point!" Merry yelled at his cousin. They stopped under a tree and Merry dropped Pippin to the ground. "You don't mess with someone else's wife, especially one of our best friends' wives! And that's not even HALF of your problem! It's this stupid obsession with Gollum! How could you be so naïve?"
Pippin looked up at his older cousin with shimmering eyes. "But - all the lasses think he's so sexy! The way they look at his pictures, the way they talk about him, like he's the most wonderful thing in all of Middle Earth! I want the lasses to be that way about ME, Merry!"
Merry sighed as he looked at the sweet, innocent face of his most beloved relative. "Pippin, someday a lass will love you for exactly as you are, not for who you pretend to be. This whole Gollum thing is just a passing fad, in a few months none of them will even remember what he looked like, you'll see."
Pippin's bottom lip quivered and a tear rolled down his cheek. He looked down at the ground, saying nothing.
Merry knelt down and embraced the other Hobbit. "Pip, you're my best friend, I love you. I'm only trying to help. I don't want to see you get hurt over some silly obsession. Understand?"
Pippin sniffled and nodded against Merry's shoulder. "Yes, Merry."
Merry pulled back and smiled. "Good. Now, it's almost time for supper. Why don't you go get cleaned up and meet me in the house, all right?"
Pippin nodded and watched Merry leave. As soon as the other Hobbit was out of sight Pippin got to his feet. He had no intention of eating all that fattening food tonight. Merry just didn't understand. No - he was JEALOUS. Jealous that Pippin had the courage to do what he was when Merry himself didn't.
Pippin ran in the opposite direction of the house, getting down on all fours to practice his skulking as he headed for the river to catch a nice tasty fish for his supper.
~~Lorien~~
Galadriel snuck quietly down the empty corridor of the palace. It was late at night and she had just arrived back home from her trip to the Misty Mountains. She was still smarting at her loss to Arwen, but had reconciled to herself that at least Gollum would be getting a strong mate in her granddaughter. Gollum would be a lot better for Arwen than that dirty hairy Man Aragorn anyway.
"My Lady?"
Galadriel eeped and spun around to see Haldir standing there, staring at her in that calmly arrogant way of his. "Haldir! Oh, you frightened me." She stood straight and smoothed down what little remained of her clothing, which had been ripped to shreds by Arwen. "I have returned from my journey," she announced with all the regalness she could muster. "I am retiring to my chambers for the night and I am not to be disturbed."
Haldir inclined his head in acknowledgement. "I will inform my brothers." He clapped a hand over his mouth when he realized what he'd just said and stammered, "That is, I will inform them that they should practice their archery more, for you never know when we may come under attack!"
Galadriel wasn't fooled, being able to read minds and all. A sly smile crept to her lips as she glided towards Haldir. "So, my two naughty boys have been talking, have they?"
Haldir swallowed hard as he tried not to stare at all of her body bits being revealed by the torn clothing. "No, it's just - well, Lord Celeborn had me search your room and I found your magazine -"
Understanding lit Galadriel's eyes. "I see. And what did Lord Celeborn have to say about what was in it?"
"He said that - that he was happy you were creating a 'play' with Orophin and Rumil, and offered to have someone make the loincloths you required." Haldir bit his lip as he tried not to laugh.
Galadriel grinned, happy to see her husband was as dense as ever. "And?"
"And he - he said - " Tears came to Haldir's eyes as he tried to keep composed, his body shaking with mirth. "- he said he and I should see - if we could be involved in your 'play' too!" He couldn't take it anymore and burst into peals of laughter, doubling over.
Galadriel began to laugh as well, the sound echoing throughout the empty hall. This went on for several minutes and when the two finally composed themselves, Haldir couldn't help but notice that the Lady was pressed rather close to him.
"Do you enjoy - 'plays', Haldir?" The Elf Queen asked in a sultry voice.
Haldir swallowed hard. "It depends on who is involved, my Lady."
Galadriel smiled. "Bring your brothers to my chambers tomorrow night. I believe I have just the 'part' for you." Without another word she made her way towards her chambers.
Haldir walked in the opposite direction, chuckling. "I had better tell Lord Celeborn to make THREE loincloths, then."
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary, mild sexual themes
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: I know it's been a few days since I've updated. Things are kind of busy right now and I've been having trouble focusing to write this. I just want to thank everyone who's reviewed so far. I got so many reviews from last chapter I don't really have the time to address everyone individually right now, so - thanks to everyone, it means a lot! And keep reading!
And since several people asked - I have nothing against Celeborn, in fact I thought he was pretty sexy in the movie. He just seems easy to pick on for some reason. I notice he's a favorite bashing target of other humor writers as well, much like one of my other faves Boromir. I make fun of everybody eventually in my fics, I don't really hate anyone.
~~Gondor~~
Aragorn, King of Gondor, was gradually losing his mind. He imagined that it began the day Arwen had called Gollum's name out while they were making love.
**Begin Flashback**
He pulled away from his Queen in shock, all desire having swiftly left his body. "Did - did you just say - GOLLUM?"
Arwen blushed and said between still-heavy breaths, "Oh, I'm sorry darling. It was just a slip."
"A slip? Why in the Valar's name were you thinking about that filthy creature at a time like this?!" Aragorn shouted.
Arwen's eyes narrowed and she grabbed for her gown. "Don't talk that way about him."
Aragorn stared at his wife as if she'd gone insane. "Hello, remember Gollum, slimy, multiple personalities, bit Frodo's finger off - THAT Gollum?"
"He's just misunderstood! It was the Ring that made him that way, before that he was almost just like Frodo!" Arwen argued. "And stop calling him names, he's adorable! More than adorable - sexy!"
"SEXY?!" Aragorn yelled in disbelief. "You can't be serious!"
"Of course I'm serious!" She reached under the mattress of their bed and pulled out a stack of magazines. The one on the top was named 'Slimy Gents Quarterly'. "Read for yourself! He's charming, and sensitive - everything you're not!" Arwen declared. "That's it, I've had enough. I've spent months trying to pretend I'm happy with you, pretending you were Gollum while we were making love -"
"You've been doing it for MONTHS?" Aragorn felt sick to his stomach.
Arwen tossed her head and glared at her husband. "Yes! But I'm tired of pretending. I'm leaving you. I'm going back to Daddy, and with his help I am going to make my fantasy a reality. Gollum will be mine!"
**End Flashback**
She had left the next day. He had thought at first it was merely some passing fad, and soon she would be back. But she had not returned, nor tried to contact him at all. He had waited and waited, to no avail. She would not respond to the messages he sent.
That was when his mind began to break. And he blamed it all on Gollum. That slimy, scrawny beast had taken the love of his life away from him. Thus began Aragorn's obsession - his obsession to destroy Gollum.
After he had taken care of matters of state for the day, the King headed to a room deep in the castle that he had forbidden anyone else to enter. He locked himself inside and lit the numerous candles around the room.
Aragorn didn't know it, but his secret room greatly resembled Saruman's Gollum shrine - but the purposes were quite different. Aragorn did not come here to worship Gollum. He came here to plot his doom.
Aragorn had read every single publication that had even the slightest mention of Gollum. He knew everything about his nemesis. He lined the walls with pictures of his foe and stared at them for long hours as he imagined hundreds of ways to kill the creature - often giggling in insane glee as he did so.
"Soon, my friend," Aragorn murmured as he began to throw knives at his homemade Gollum target dummy. "Soon, we shall meet - and you will pay for taking my wife from me."
~~The Shire~~
"Ow! Merry let go, that hurts!" Pippin protested as he was dragged by his ear through the field.
"I'm not letting go of you until we sit down and sort this nonsense out!" Merry said angrily. "What did I tell you about this Gollum nonsense? And to be carrying on with Rosie like that, Sam's own wife! How could you do such a thing?"
"I didn't do anything!" Pippin cried indignantly. "I was practicing my skulking and I ran into Sam and Rosie about to play 'hide the sausage'. Sam wanted to know what I was doing and I told him. Rosie was interested and so we started talking about Gollum, that's all!"
Merry hmphed. "Right, and that's why when Sam and I found you, you were half naked and doing those stupid poses for Rosie -"
"She liked it!" Pippin pointed out.
"That's not the point!" Merry yelled at his cousin. They stopped under a tree and Merry dropped Pippin to the ground. "You don't mess with someone else's wife, especially one of our best friends' wives! And that's not even HALF of your problem! It's this stupid obsession with Gollum! How could you be so naïve?"
Pippin looked up at his older cousin with shimmering eyes. "But - all the lasses think he's so sexy! The way they look at his pictures, the way they talk about him, like he's the most wonderful thing in all of Middle Earth! I want the lasses to be that way about ME, Merry!"
Merry sighed as he looked at the sweet, innocent face of his most beloved relative. "Pippin, someday a lass will love you for exactly as you are, not for who you pretend to be. This whole Gollum thing is just a passing fad, in a few months none of them will even remember what he looked like, you'll see."
Pippin's bottom lip quivered and a tear rolled down his cheek. He looked down at the ground, saying nothing.
Merry knelt down and embraced the other Hobbit. "Pip, you're my best friend, I love you. I'm only trying to help. I don't want to see you get hurt over some silly obsession. Understand?"
Pippin sniffled and nodded against Merry's shoulder. "Yes, Merry."
Merry pulled back and smiled. "Good. Now, it's almost time for supper. Why don't you go get cleaned up and meet me in the house, all right?"
Pippin nodded and watched Merry leave. As soon as the other Hobbit was out of sight Pippin got to his feet. He had no intention of eating all that fattening food tonight. Merry just didn't understand. No - he was JEALOUS. Jealous that Pippin had the courage to do what he was when Merry himself didn't.
Pippin ran in the opposite direction of the house, getting down on all fours to practice his skulking as he headed for the river to catch a nice tasty fish for his supper.
~~Lorien~~
Galadriel snuck quietly down the empty corridor of the palace. It was late at night and she had just arrived back home from her trip to the Misty Mountains. She was still smarting at her loss to Arwen, but had reconciled to herself that at least Gollum would be getting a strong mate in her granddaughter. Gollum would be a lot better for Arwen than that dirty hairy Man Aragorn anyway.
"My Lady?"
Galadriel eeped and spun around to see Haldir standing there, staring at her in that calmly arrogant way of his. "Haldir! Oh, you frightened me." She stood straight and smoothed down what little remained of her clothing, which had been ripped to shreds by Arwen. "I have returned from my journey," she announced with all the regalness she could muster. "I am retiring to my chambers for the night and I am not to be disturbed."
Haldir inclined his head in acknowledgement. "I will inform my brothers." He clapped a hand over his mouth when he realized what he'd just said and stammered, "That is, I will inform them that they should practice their archery more, for you never know when we may come under attack!"
Galadriel wasn't fooled, being able to read minds and all. A sly smile crept to her lips as she glided towards Haldir. "So, my two naughty boys have been talking, have they?"
Haldir swallowed hard as he tried not to stare at all of her body bits being revealed by the torn clothing. "No, it's just - well, Lord Celeborn had me search your room and I found your magazine -"
Understanding lit Galadriel's eyes. "I see. And what did Lord Celeborn have to say about what was in it?"
"He said that - that he was happy you were creating a 'play' with Orophin and Rumil, and offered to have someone make the loincloths you required." Haldir bit his lip as he tried not to laugh.
Galadriel grinned, happy to see her husband was as dense as ever. "And?"
"And he - he said - " Tears came to Haldir's eyes as he tried to keep composed, his body shaking with mirth. "- he said he and I should see - if we could be involved in your 'play' too!" He couldn't take it anymore and burst into peals of laughter, doubling over.
Galadriel began to laugh as well, the sound echoing throughout the empty hall. This went on for several minutes and when the two finally composed themselves, Haldir couldn't help but notice that the Lady was pressed rather close to him.
"Do you enjoy - 'plays', Haldir?" The Elf Queen asked in a sultry voice.
Haldir swallowed hard. "It depends on who is involved, my Lady."
Galadriel smiled. "Bring your brothers to my chambers tomorrow night. I believe I have just the 'part' for you." Without another word she made her way towards her chambers.
Haldir walked in the opposite direction, chuckling. "I had better tell Lord Celeborn to make THREE loincloths, then."