Title: Gollum Mania! 7/?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: To those of you who were disappointed at the lack of Grima content in the last chapter, he's back in this one! And if there's any Grima fangirls out there, there's a lovely livejournal community dedicated to him at http://www.livejournal.com/users/leechcraft you don't need to be a member of livejournal to look at the posts and the group allows anonymous postings if you're not a member as well. And yes, I am Ahlmora on livejournal as well. And as always, thank you all for the reviews! I'm just getting too many now to thank you all personally!
~~An Undisclosed Location~~
"Gollum, baby!" Ukrak, Gollum's agent shouted as he ducked down to enter the cave. "Wait until you hear this! It's BIG, my man!"
His client came shuffling into the open in his usual loincloth. "Call us Smeagol, yes, we's Smeagol today!"
"Sure Smeagol, whatever you want babe." The Uruk-Hai wasn't going to argue with his meal ticket. Bad for business, and besides, ticking off a half- crazed creature with a split personality and murderous tendencies was never a good idea regardless. "Wait until you hear this! What do you say to - " He paused for dramatic effect as he reached into his cloak, "YOUR OWN LINE OF MERCHANDISE!" He produced an action figure of Gollum, complete with little leathery loincloth. "Your Swamp Magic shampoo is such a hit we want to market a full line of Gollum products! What do you think?"
Gollum narrowed his eyes as he came forward on all fours to get a closer look. He rose to his feet and inspected the piece of plastic his agent held. "Hmm, it looks like us, yes it does."
"Well, that's the point," Ukrak explained. "We want to make all sorts of things that look like you. Action figures, dolls, candy! We want to put your face on everything from lunchboxes to Hobbit undergarments! We'll make a fortune! Just imagine all the fish that can buy, my friend!"
Having looked rather bored through the rest of the speech, Gollum's eyes lit up at the mention of fish. "Yesss, we loves the fishes! Lots of fishes for us! Squirmy wormy wiggly fishes - " The creature was now singing and dancing about as he rambled on about his love for fish.
Ukrak let his client caper about for a few more minutes before asking a bit impatiently, "So you approve then?"
Gollum stopped in mid-dance and spun around. His expression darkened and his eyes narrowed. He sat on his haunches and put a finger to his lips in a contemplative gesture. "We don'ts know - we haves to think, yes we does." He shuffled into a far corner for privacy.
Ukrak sighed, as he knew what was coming. Mr. Split Personality was about to have a conversation with his two halves. Hopefully the evil half wouldn't decide they were better off killing 'the nassty agent'. The Uruk- Hai always kept tranquilizer darts with him, just in case.
Gollum began to talk to himself, whatever half was speaking clearly evident in his facial expressions and his tone of voice. 'Evil Gollum' leered and spoke in dark, evil tones; 'Good Gollum/Smeagol' cringed and spoke in a high, reedy voice. Ukrak couldn't hear the exact words being spoken, but the argument seemed to be getting rather heated.
Finally the scrawny creature ambled back over to his agent. "We's agree, but we wants one thing, yess."
Ukrak let out a sigh of relief. "Anything, what is it?"
Gollum pointed at the action figure and proclaimed in a high-pitched voice, "We wants that to have kung-fu grip!"
~~The Misty Mountains~~
Arwen sat crouched in the dank cave, trying not to be sick. She stared at the fish flopping about on the rock in front of her with dismay. She knew this was the next step in becoming the perfect mate for Gollum, but the idea of biting into a raw, still-squirming fish -
The Elf steadied herself and took a deep breath. "Come on now, you've mastered crouching, talking to yourself, skulking, and stalking. You can do this too!" She said to herself. She gathered her courage and snatched up the fish. Before she could stop to reconsider she bit down into it, through the rough scales and squirming flesh.
Arwen valiantly tried to keep it in her mouth, but it was no use. She managed a few convulsive chews before she scrambled towards the edge of the rock and spit it out. She scooped up some water and rinsed her mouth out over and over, gagging from the lingering taste the fish left in her mouth. She finally collapsed onto all fours and burst into tears.
"Oh, I'm never going to be able to do this! I'm never going to be able to impress Gollum and make him mine!" She wailed. She sobbed loudly in her hopelessness for a long while before she was able to begin to compose herself. As she noisily blew her nose, inspiration struck.
"What if - I impress him in another way? Then it wouldn't matter to him that I can't eat raw fish! Now think what could I do to impress him - oh I know one thing that would make him love me for sure! If I were to get rid of the person he hates most - the one who took his Precious away from him forever. Frodo Baggins!"
Arwen began to caper around with glee in a rather Gollum-like manner, seeming to forget that her target was the very person who had saved Middle Earth from Sauron's rule and was supposed to be a rather good friend of hers. Who cared anyway? She'd do anything for Gollum's love!
~~Isengard~~
Grima collapsed onto the floor, exhausted after dancing around behind Saruman most of the day. Bloody long ceremony this was, being inducted into the Gollum Fan Club. Like he even wanted to be a part of it anyway. Though, he had to admit that running around in nothing but a loincloth WAS rather liberating.
Saruman danced around the Gollum Shrine a couple more times before prancing over to Grima. "Come on, come on! You still have a lot more to learn!" He took Grima's hand and pulled him to his feet. "You must now read the Sacred Tomes of Gollum Knowledge and absorb the information within!"
Grima was led to Saruman's library, where the wizard produced volume upon volume of these 'Sacred Tomes', i.e., various magazines featuring Gollum. Grima jumped as a copy of 'Cave and Garden' was dropped into his lap.
"You will start with that one," Saruman instructed. "You must read all writings pertaining to the Slimy One in this Sacred Tome. Then you must move on to the other Sacred Tomes and read all of those as well. You will not leave this room until I am assured you have fully absorbed all of this information!" He spun around and left, closing the door and bolting it from the outside.
Grima sighed and opened the magazine to the first article, "Gollum's Tips for a Cozy Cave." He put his feet up onto the desk and began to read.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: To those of you who were disappointed at the lack of Grima content in the last chapter, he's back in this one! And if there's any Grima fangirls out there, there's a lovely livejournal community dedicated to him at http://www.livejournal.com/users/leechcraft you don't need to be a member of livejournal to look at the posts and the group allows anonymous postings if you're not a member as well. And yes, I am Ahlmora on livejournal as well. And as always, thank you all for the reviews! I'm just getting too many now to thank you all personally!
~~An Undisclosed Location~~
"Gollum, baby!" Ukrak, Gollum's agent shouted as he ducked down to enter the cave. "Wait until you hear this! It's BIG, my man!"
His client came shuffling into the open in his usual loincloth. "Call us Smeagol, yes, we's Smeagol today!"
"Sure Smeagol, whatever you want babe." The Uruk-Hai wasn't going to argue with his meal ticket. Bad for business, and besides, ticking off a half- crazed creature with a split personality and murderous tendencies was never a good idea regardless. "Wait until you hear this! What do you say to - " He paused for dramatic effect as he reached into his cloak, "YOUR OWN LINE OF MERCHANDISE!" He produced an action figure of Gollum, complete with little leathery loincloth. "Your Swamp Magic shampoo is such a hit we want to market a full line of Gollum products! What do you think?"
Gollum narrowed his eyes as he came forward on all fours to get a closer look. He rose to his feet and inspected the piece of plastic his agent held. "Hmm, it looks like us, yes it does."
"Well, that's the point," Ukrak explained. "We want to make all sorts of things that look like you. Action figures, dolls, candy! We want to put your face on everything from lunchboxes to Hobbit undergarments! We'll make a fortune! Just imagine all the fish that can buy, my friend!"
Having looked rather bored through the rest of the speech, Gollum's eyes lit up at the mention of fish. "Yesss, we loves the fishes! Lots of fishes for us! Squirmy wormy wiggly fishes - " The creature was now singing and dancing about as he rambled on about his love for fish.
Ukrak let his client caper about for a few more minutes before asking a bit impatiently, "So you approve then?"
Gollum stopped in mid-dance and spun around. His expression darkened and his eyes narrowed. He sat on his haunches and put a finger to his lips in a contemplative gesture. "We don'ts know - we haves to think, yes we does." He shuffled into a far corner for privacy.
Ukrak sighed, as he knew what was coming. Mr. Split Personality was about to have a conversation with his two halves. Hopefully the evil half wouldn't decide they were better off killing 'the nassty agent'. The Uruk- Hai always kept tranquilizer darts with him, just in case.
Gollum began to talk to himself, whatever half was speaking clearly evident in his facial expressions and his tone of voice. 'Evil Gollum' leered and spoke in dark, evil tones; 'Good Gollum/Smeagol' cringed and spoke in a high, reedy voice. Ukrak couldn't hear the exact words being spoken, but the argument seemed to be getting rather heated.
Finally the scrawny creature ambled back over to his agent. "We's agree, but we wants one thing, yess."
Ukrak let out a sigh of relief. "Anything, what is it?"
Gollum pointed at the action figure and proclaimed in a high-pitched voice, "We wants that to have kung-fu grip!"
~~The Misty Mountains~~
Arwen sat crouched in the dank cave, trying not to be sick. She stared at the fish flopping about on the rock in front of her with dismay. She knew this was the next step in becoming the perfect mate for Gollum, but the idea of biting into a raw, still-squirming fish -
The Elf steadied herself and took a deep breath. "Come on now, you've mastered crouching, talking to yourself, skulking, and stalking. You can do this too!" She said to herself. She gathered her courage and snatched up the fish. Before she could stop to reconsider she bit down into it, through the rough scales and squirming flesh.
Arwen valiantly tried to keep it in her mouth, but it was no use. She managed a few convulsive chews before she scrambled towards the edge of the rock and spit it out. She scooped up some water and rinsed her mouth out over and over, gagging from the lingering taste the fish left in her mouth. She finally collapsed onto all fours and burst into tears.
"Oh, I'm never going to be able to do this! I'm never going to be able to impress Gollum and make him mine!" She wailed. She sobbed loudly in her hopelessness for a long while before she was able to begin to compose herself. As she noisily blew her nose, inspiration struck.
"What if - I impress him in another way? Then it wouldn't matter to him that I can't eat raw fish! Now think what could I do to impress him - oh I know one thing that would make him love me for sure! If I were to get rid of the person he hates most - the one who took his Precious away from him forever. Frodo Baggins!"
Arwen began to caper around with glee in a rather Gollum-like manner, seeming to forget that her target was the very person who had saved Middle Earth from Sauron's rule and was supposed to be a rather good friend of hers. Who cared anyway? She'd do anything for Gollum's love!
~~Isengard~~
Grima collapsed onto the floor, exhausted after dancing around behind Saruman most of the day. Bloody long ceremony this was, being inducted into the Gollum Fan Club. Like he even wanted to be a part of it anyway. Though, he had to admit that running around in nothing but a loincloth WAS rather liberating.
Saruman danced around the Gollum Shrine a couple more times before prancing over to Grima. "Come on, come on! You still have a lot more to learn!" He took Grima's hand and pulled him to his feet. "You must now read the Sacred Tomes of Gollum Knowledge and absorb the information within!"
Grima was led to Saruman's library, where the wizard produced volume upon volume of these 'Sacred Tomes', i.e., various magazines featuring Gollum. Grima jumped as a copy of 'Cave and Garden' was dropped into his lap.
"You will start with that one," Saruman instructed. "You must read all writings pertaining to the Slimy One in this Sacred Tome. Then you must move on to the other Sacred Tomes and read all of those as well. You will not leave this room until I am assured you have fully absorbed all of this information!" He spun around and left, closing the door and bolting it from the outside.
Grima sighed and opened the magazine to the first article, "Gollum's Tips for a Cozy Cave." He put his feet up onto the desk and began to read.