Title: Gollum Mania! 8/?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I kind of had a burst of creativity and then burned out for a bit. But I'm back! I'll try to update more regularly now. No Grima this chapter, sorry guys.
To my reviewers: Lasse, Starfleet Hobbit, Kuririn's Onna, Eyes-of-Lily, Yuffie-Girl, Liz, bananaman's amiga, Sweet-e452, and ^_~ : Thank you for your support!
Sache: All right, you caught me. I was thinking of Spaceballs during the merchandising part in the last chapter and had to restrain myself from 'Gollum - the flame thrower' **snicker**
Rabid Locust: Don't worry, Frodo won't die. When I decide to end this story it's going to be quite an eventful ending.
Katherine: You're making me blush! To think that someone thinks my insanity amounts to incredible talent - I feel all squishy. Either that or it's time for a diaper change.
Miyako Inoue: I want a kung-fu grip Gollum too!
bryn: 'Behind the Precious' - LOL that's a good idea.
~~Rivendell~~
Elrond was getting worried about Arwen. His daughter had been gone for some time, with no contact from her. He was beginning to wonder if it had been such a good idea to let her go off all by herself. Brave as she was, she wasn't the brightest bulb in the drawer.
The Elf Lord sighed and was settling down to read 'Gollum's Better Sex Tips' when a thought struck him. Galadriel! If anyone would know where Arwen was she would, being an all-powerful witch and all. He concentrated so he could telepathically contact her.
((Oh, Haldir!)) Galadriel's voice moaned in his head. ((Oh you naughty boy! Keep going like that and I'll give you all the fish you want - ))
Elrond's eyes widened. Oops, he'd apparently caught her at a bad time. He pondered trying again later, but his concern for his daughter overrode his fear of angering his mother-in-law. He let out a polite cough mentally to try to get her attention.
The mental moaning abruptly stopped and the voice of the Elf Queen came through, a bit breathlessly. ((Elrond? Uh, greetings son-in-law, to what do I owe the honor?))
((I apologize for interrupting your.fun, but I have a matter of some urgency. Arwen left Rivendell some time ago on a quest to become the perfect mate for Gollum. I have not heard from her, I wondered if you could tell me where she is and if she is well?))
Galadriel paused for a moment before responding. ((She currently dwells in the Misty Mountains. She has devoted herself to gaining Gollum's favor)). Her voice suddenly turned foreboding. ((However, I sense a great darkness growing within her. Slowly her mind is turning away from the light. Her thoughts are of vengeance - and murder!))
Elrond gasped. ((Murder? The murder of whom?))
Galadriel was silent for a few moments for proper dramatic effect before intoning, ((Frodo!))
Elrond jumped from his seat. ((Frodo! Why?))
((She seeks to gain Gollum's favor by killing the one who took the Ring away from him.))
Elrond paused as he considered this for a moment. ((Well, I suppose Arwen DOES have a point there. Gollum must hate Frodo more than anyone for taking his Precious from him. Her killing Frodo is bound to please Gollum. And it really would be advantageous to have someone so famous as a son-in-law - ))
((Indeed)), Galadriel replied. ((Hmm, so do you think we should warn Frodo?))
((Nah. No sense in ruining the element of surprise)), Elrond responded.
((I suppose we should feel bad about this.after all, Frodo DID save us from eternal darkness and all - ))
Elrond shrugged. ((Oh well, he's served his purpose. What's he done for us LATELY? Not a thing! Lazy useless Hobbit!))
Galadriel let out a sigh of relief. ((True. I don't feel so bad now. Well then, let us leave Arwen to her work. I will keep you updated. Now if you will excuse me - ))
Elrond winced as Galadriel abruptly cut off their mental connection. He settled back into his chair and smiled to himself.
"I'm going to be the father-in-law of the most famous person in Middle Earth, and all it'll cost me is the life of one Hobbit," He murmured to himself. "Life is good."
~~The Shire~~
Merry cursed and paced back and forth while Frodo, Sam, and Rosie watched. "How stupid am I, to have actually thought Pippin would listen to me! Now he's gone off to who knows where and doing who knows what!"
"Oh, I hope he's all right," Rosie sighed, looking concerned. Sam glared at her but she ignored him.
"Come now, Merry," Frodo tried to soothe his cousin. "You know Pippin, he gets some silly idea in his head and you can't sway him from it. He'll get bored with this eventually just like he does with everything else, you'll see."
"I hope so," Merry muttered.
While Rosie cleared away the remaining dishes from their meal, Sam took Frodo aside, looking anxious.
"I'm losing her, Frodo!" Sam whispered urgently. "I'm losing my Rosie to Pippin!"
"Now Sam, don't be silly! Rosie loves you. This Gollum thing is just a fad, she'll get over it and she'll be all yours again!" Frodo said.
"It might be too late by then! You should have seen the way she was looking at Pippin today while he was posing for her in that loincloth of his!" Sam looked despondently down at his chubby body. "She used to look at ME like that, but not now. She don't find me attractive anymore." Sam looked as if he were about to cry.
"Shhh, dear Sam," Frodo soothed as he embraced his best friend. "It will be all right, you'll see!"
Sam wiped his eyes and glanced over at Rosie. "I hope you're right," He said in a determined voice. "Because if Pippin ain't going to lay off of my lady, I'm going to have to do something about it."
**Later that night**
Sam and Rosie lay in their bed, as far apart from each other as possible. Unable to sleep, Sam tried to snuggle up to his wife, only to be slapped.
"What was that for?" Sam asked.
"For being so mean to Pippin!" Rosie shouted.
"MEAN?!" Sam shouted back. "He's prancing around in front of you mostly naked and you're LIKING it! I think I have a right to be upset!"
Rosie hmphed and crossed her arms in front of her. "You're just jealous that Pippin has the courage to try to improve himself and you don't!"
Sam stared at her in disbelief. "I am not jealous! Pippin's gone insane over this Gollum nonsense - "
"It is NOT nonsense! That's it! Samwise Gamgee, you sleep on the sofa!" She threw a pillow and blanket at her husband. "Get out!"
"But - "
"OUT!"
Sam sighed and stalked out of the bedroom, slamming the door after him. As he settled onto the sofa he muttered, "Pippin is SO dead."
**Meanwhile**
Pippin was curled up in the bushes, not far from Bag End. Being only in his loincloth, he was shivering from the cold. He curled himself up into a little ball as he tried to keep warm.
"It's all for a good cause," He kept telling himself. "If I can be like Gollum all the lasses will want me! All the lads will be so jealous and Merry won't be able to say I'm being silly anymore. No more young, stupid Pippin. I'll show them all!"
Pippin tried to rub some feeling back into his legs as he tried to ignore the fact that a nice warm house was only a few yards away. He'd made it this far - he was going to see it through. He'd show everyone what Pippin Took could do.
~~Gondor~~
Legolas tapped cautiously on the closed door before him. "Aragorn?"
From inside the Elf heard a lowered voice. "Come in, Legolas."
Legolas stepped cautiously inside. The room was nearly completely dark, except for a few lit candles. Aragorn sat crouched on the floor, staring intently at a dummy made to look like Gollum, which was full of puncture marks from having knives thrown at it. "You wanted to see me?"
Aragorn nodded, still staring at the dummy. "I have a favor to ask of you, old friend. I am about to set out on a great task, one of the utmost importance - I would like your help."
Legolas knelt next to the Man. "Of course. What is it that you require?"
Aragorn finally turned to look at the Elf. His eyes were dark and haunted, and he looked as if he hadn't slept for days. "Your help on my quest to rid Middle Earth of Gollum."
Legolas looked taken aback. "Why do you wish to kill Gollum?"
"Because he took my Arwen away from me!" Aragorn shouted. "That filthy, slimy creature has captured my Queen's heart, and for that he must pay! Aaaargh!" He lunged at the Gollum dummy and began hacking at it with a knife, making stuffing fly.
Legolas swallowed hard and took a few steps back. "Well - if you want my help you have it."
Aragorn finally stopped hacking at the now mutilated dummy and looked at the Elf with wild eyes. "Really? Oh, thank you! You are such a wonderful friend, Legolas." He approached his friend and gave him a manly shoulder squeeze as he gazed upon the Elf with crazed eyes.
"Anything for a friend," Legolas replied, eyeing the knife in Aragorn's hand uneasily. In truth, Legolas had his own agenda. Ever since Gollum had come into fashion, he had an increasingly hard time getting dates. The women thought he had too much hair, was too tall, he wore too many clothes, he was not schizophrenic enough. Getting rid of Gollum would alleviate many of his problems. And if Aragorn wanted the same thing and they ended up helping each other achieve that goal, all the better.
But he was going to keep his bow and arrow close by at all times, even when he slept. Aragorn was freaking him out. He hadn't felt this disturbed since the time Gimli had tried to cheer him up by running around in a sequined bikini.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I kind of had a burst of creativity and then burned out for a bit. But I'm back! I'll try to update more regularly now. No Grima this chapter, sorry guys.
To my reviewers: Lasse, Starfleet Hobbit, Kuririn's Onna, Eyes-of-Lily, Yuffie-Girl, Liz, bananaman's amiga, Sweet-e452, and ^_~ : Thank you for your support!
Sache: All right, you caught me. I was thinking of Spaceballs during the merchandising part in the last chapter and had to restrain myself from 'Gollum - the flame thrower' **snicker**
Rabid Locust: Don't worry, Frodo won't die. When I decide to end this story it's going to be quite an eventful ending.
Katherine: You're making me blush! To think that someone thinks my insanity amounts to incredible talent - I feel all squishy. Either that or it's time for a diaper change.
Miyako Inoue: I want a kung-fu grip Gollum too!
bryn: 'Behind the Precious' - LOL that's a good idea.
~~Rivendell~~
Elrond was getting worried about Arwen. His daughter had been gone for some time, with no contact from her. He was beginning to wonder if it had been such a good idea to let her go off all by herself. Brave as she was, she wasn't the brightest bulb in the drawer.
The Elf Lord sighed and was settling down to read 'Gollum's Better Sex Tips' when a thought struck him. Galadriel! If anyone would know where Arwen was she would, being an all-powerful witch and all. He concentrated so he could telepathically contact her.
((Oh, Haldir!)) Galadriel's voice moaned in his head. ((Oh you naughty boy! Keep going like that and I'll give you all the fish you want - ))
Elrond's eyes widened. Oops, he'd apparently caught her at a bad time. He pondered trying again later, but his concern for his daughter overrode his fear of angering his mother-in-law. He let out a polite cough mentally to try to get her attention.
The mental moaning abruptly stopped and the voice of the Elf Queen came through, a bit breathlessly. ((Elrond? Uh, greetings son-in-law, to what do I owe the honor?))
((I apologize for interrupting your.fun, but I have a matter of some urgency. Arwen left Rivendell some time ago on a quest to become the perfect mate for Gollum. I have not heard from her, I wondered if you could tell me where she is and if she is well?))
Galadriel paused for a moment before responding. ((She currently dwells in the Misty Mountains. She has devoted herself to gaining Gollum's favor)). Her voice suddenly turned foreboding. ((However, I sense a great darkness growing within her. Slowly her mind is turning away from the light. Her thoughts are of vengeance - and murder!))
Elrond gasped. ((Murder? The murder of whom?))
Galadriel was silent for a few moments for proper dramatic effect before intoning, ((Frodo!))
Elrond jumped from his seat. ((Frodo! Why?))
((She seeks to gain Gollum's favor by killing the one who took the Ring away from him.))
Elrond paused as he considered this for a moment. ((Well, I suppose Arwen DOES have a point there. Gollum must hate Frodo more than anyone for taking his Precious from him. Her killing Frodo is bound to please Gollum. And it really would be advantageous to have someone so famous as a son-in-law - ))
((Indeed)), Galadriel replied. ((Hmm, so do you think we should warn Frodo?))
((Nah. No sense in ruining the element of surprise)), Elrond responded.
((I suppose we should feel bad about this.after all, Frodo DID save us from eternal darkness and all - ))
Elrond shrugged. ((Oh well, he's served his purpose. What's he done for us LATELY? Not a thing! Lazy useless Hobbit!))
Galadriel let out a sigh of relief. ((True. I don't feel so bad now. Well then, let us leave Arwen to her work. I will keep you updated. Now if you will excuse me - ))
Elrond winced as Galadriel abruptly cut off their mental connection. He settled back into his chair and smiled to himself.
"I'm going to be the father-in-law of the most famous person in Middle Earth, and all it'll cost me is the life of one Hobbit," He murmured to himself. "Life is good."
~~The Shire~~
Merry cursed and paced back and forth while Frodo, Sam, and Rosie watched. "How stupid am I, to have actually thought Pippin would listen to me! Now he's gone off to who knows where and doing who knows what!"
"Oh, I hope he's all right," Rosie sighed, looking concerned. Sam glared at her but she ignored him.
"Come now, Merry," Frodo tried to soothe his cousin. "You know Pippin, he gets some silly idea in his head and you can't sway him from it. He'll get bored with this eventually just like he does with everything else, you'll see."
"I hope so," Merry muttered.
While Rosie cleared away the remaining dishes from their meal, Sam took Frodo aside, looking anxious.
"I'm losing her, Frodo!" Sam whispered urgently. "I'm losing my Rosie to Pippin!"
"Now Sam, don't be silly! Rosie loves you. This Gollum thing is just a fad, she'll get over it and she'll be all yours again!" Frodo said.
"It might be too late by then! You should have seen the way she was looking at Pippin today while he was posing for her in that loincloth of his!" Sam looked despondently down at his chubby body. "She used to look at ME like that, but not now. She don't find me attractive anymore." Sam looked as if he were about to cry.
"Shhh, dear Sam," Frodo soothed as he embraced his best friend. "It will be all right, you'll see!"
Sam wiped his eyes and glanced over at Rosie. "I hope you're right," He said in a determined voice. "Because if Pippin ain't going to lay off of my lady, I'm going to have to do something about it."
**Later that night**
Sam and Rosie lay in their bed, as far apart from each other as possible. Unable to sleep, Sam tried to snuggle up to his wife, only to be slapped.
"What was that for?" Sam asked.
"For being so mean to Pippin!" Rosie shouted.
"MEAN?!" Sam shouted back. "He's prancing around in front of you mostly naked and you're LIKING it! I think I have a right to be upset!"
Rosie hmphed and crossed her arms in front of her. "You're just jealous that Pippin has the courage to try to improve himself and you don't!"
Sam stared at her in disbelief. "I am not jealous! Pippin's gone insane over this Gollum nonsense - "
"It is NOT nonsense! That's it! Samwise Gamgee, you sleep on the sofa!" She threw a pillow and blanket at her husband. "Get out!"
"But - "
"OUT!"
Sam sighed and stalked out of the bedroom, slamming the door after him. As he settled onto the sofa he muttered, "Pippin is SO dead."
**Meanwhile**
Pippin was curled up in the bushes, not far from Bag End. Being only in his loincloth, he was shivering from the cold. He curled himself up into a little ball as he tried to keep warm.
"It's all for a good cause," He kept telling himself. "If I can be like Gollum all the lasses will want me! All the lads will be so jealous and Merry won't be able to say I'm being silly anymore. No more young, stupid Pippin. I'll show them all!"
Pippin tried to rub some feeling back into his legs as he tried to ignore the fact that a nice warm house was only a few yards away. He'd made it this far - he was going to see it through. He'd show everyone what Pippin Took could do.
~~Gondor~~
Legolas tapped cautiously on the closed door before him. "Aragorn?"
From inside the Elf heard a lowered voice. "Come in, Legolas."
Legolas stepped cautiously inside. The room was nearly completely dark, except for a few lit candles. Aragorn sat crouched on the floor, staring intently at a dummy made to look like Gollum, which was full of puncture marks from having knives thrown at it. "You wanted to see me?"
Aragorn nodded, still staring at the dummy. "I have a favor to ask of you, old friend. I am about to set out on a great task, one of the utmost importance - I would like your help."
Legolas knelt next to the Man. "Of course. What is it that you require?"
Aragorn finally turned to look at the Elf. His eyes were dark and haunted, and he looked as if he hadn't slept for days. "Your help on my quest to rid Middle Earth of Gollum."
Legolas looked taken aback. "Why do you wish to kill Gollum?"
"Because he took my Arwen away from me!" Aragorn shouted. "That filthy, slimy creature has captured my Queen's heart, and for that he must pay! Aaaargh!" He lunged at the Gollum dummy and began hacking at it with a knife, making stuffing fly.
Legolas swallowed hard and took a few steps back. "Well - if you want my help you have it."
Aragorn finally stopped hacking at the now mutilated dummy and looked at the Elf with wild eyes. "Really? Oh, thank you! You are such a wonderful friend, Legolas." He approached his friend and gave him a manly shoulder squeeze as he gazed upon the Elf with crazed eyes.
"Anything for a friend," Legolas replied, eyeing the knife in Aragorn's hand uneasily. In truth, Legolas had his own agenda. Ever since Gollum had come into fashion, he had an increasingly hard time getting dates. The women thought he had too much hair, was too tall, he wore too many clothes, he was not schizophrenic enough. Getting rid of Gollum would alleviate many of his problems. And if Aragorn wanted the same thing and they ended up helping each other achieve that goal, all the better.
But he was going to keep his bow and arrow close by at all times, even when he slept. Aragorn was freaking him out. He hadn't felt this disturbed since the time Gimli had tried to cheer him up by running around in a sequined bikini.