What a Jerk, or Tea with Remus and Sirius (a part of the Short Guide universe)
By Mireille
"How much sugar, Harry?" Sirius said, holding the sugar bowl above his cup.
"Oh, all of it," he said, sharing a grin with Remus.
Sirius rolled his eyes, and dumped most of it in. "Here," he said, handing the rest to Remus, who gave Sirius a look.
"Don't you want any?"
"Of course I do, you numbskull. Just take it."
Remus dumped it into Sirius's cup and got up to get cream instead.
"You are such an idiot," Sirius grouched, stirring it in. Harry looked amused at hearing his former professor so addressed. "Why don't you summon that?"
Remus came back and sat down. "I thought you learned not to summon food."
"Why?" Harry interrupted. "What happened?"
Sirius and Remus shared a look. "It wasn't as funny as it sounds," Sirius said in his voice that meant if I ever catch you doing something like that, young man.
"Yes it was, you git," Remus said. "You just don't want to tell Harry about it."
Sirius scowled. "I hate it when you're right."
"Harry's old enough to know, I think," Remus said mildly.
Sirius looked sulky. "But James –"
"What about my dad?" Harry said. "I want to know."
Sirius and Remus looked at each other again. "We have something to tell you, Harry," Remus began, looking uncharacteristically grave.
"It's about your father," Sirius added unhelpfully.
"Your dad," Remus said, "was a very brave man."
"No he wasn't," Sirius interrupted. "We might as well tell him the truth. Harry," he said, "your father was a wonderful man –"
"No he wasn't, Sirius," said Remus. "Harry, your father was –"
"What?" Harry burst out. "Just tell me, I can take it! Was he gay or something?"
For some unknown reason, this made Sirius and Remus laugh so hard they spilled tea on each other.
"No," Sirius said at last, wheezing slightly. "No, your father was as straight as his broom."
"Well, it can't be that bad then," Harry said. "Right?"
Remus sighed. "Listen, Harry," he said. "Your father is a martyr, but please don't think that made him a saint."
"I know that," Harry said. "I mean, he did help write the Marauder's Map."
"Oh, that," Sirius said. "Our reputation as troublemakers is completely undeserved."
"Well, not exactly," Remus said. "But we were nothing compared to the likes of Fred and George Weasley. Your father, remember, was Head Boy."
"Yeah," Sirius said bitterly, "that's because he always made me do the dirty work."
"Harry," said Remus, "I know this may come as something of a shock to you, but your father was a jerk."
"He wasn't the only one," Sirius said, scowling at Remus.
"We were all jerks," Remus clarified. "Some of us more so than others."
"Harry," said Sirius, "you might look like your father but thank God, you sure don't act like him."
"And … what about Mum?" Harry said faintly.
Yet again, Sirius and Remus looked at each other.
"I'm not touching this one," Sirius said.
"Oh, you were in love with her too," Remus snapped. "You might as well admit it."
Sirius went red. "I was not."
"You were so. You looked exactly like that every time she hugged you."
Sirius went redder. Harry looked like he wanted to die.
"Can we please talk about something else?" he said.
"Yeah." Remus glared at Sirius. "As long as we're telling Harry embarrassing things about us, how about –"
"No," Sirius said. "You're going to make the poor boy nauseous."
"I already am," Harry said. "Come on, let's hear it."
Remus groaned. "No, it was just some stupid thing Sirius did –"
"You didn't think it was stupid," Sirius said.
"Let's tell him about something else, okay?" Remus said. "He'll never be able to look at us again."
"What do you want to tell him?" Sirius said. "How you were the resident Gryffindor sex god?"
"You mean until you became resident Gryffindor sex god."
Harry closed his eyes.
"Yeah, and why don't you tell him about how all of Gryffindor thought we were in love with each other all because of one innocent little kiss –"
Harry got up and practically ran from the room.
"Now look what you've done," Remus said reproachfully.
"What do you mean, what I've done?" Sirius said. "You were the one who wanted to tell him about it in the first place."
Remus scowled and poured himself another cup of tea. "Sirius," he said, "you are such a jerk."