A\N~ Hey everyone, sorry for lack of updates. . . . please don't kill me!!
Anyway here is chapter six, and anyone who plans to bitch about the fact
that Jess is out of character, I ALREADY KNOW! But hey I tried, and how am
I supposed to let everyone know how he really feels without letting him get
emotional a little. ALSO the words in are thoughts (they were supposed
to be italics but for some reason italics don't upload or something, anyone
knowing how to fix this let me know!!!) and don't forget to review!! Oh and
sorry for the extraordinary gayness of the game they play, I was suffering
creative block when it came to thinking up a game.
Disclaimer-getting bored of writing it, check other chapters
Chapter 6: Third Degree
For a few seconds neither reacted to the sudden power loss, but after the initial shock subsided Jess began to feel around the diner.
Once he had successfully made his way to the fuse box in the kitchen he flipped it open and strained his eyes against the darkness. He looked for a few moments and played with the switches, trying desperately to make the lights go on. An entire night in the dark with Rory Gilmore wasn't to appealing at the moment, not with everything that had happened.
I should have just let her go home!! Argh!! Jeez when did I develop a conscience??
He slammed the box shut with a loud bang and gritted his teeth as he slowly moved back into the main section of the diner where he could just make out Rory's silhouette. "No use, a line must be down somewhere." He said simply and began to feel his way toward the staircase
"Where are you going?" Rory asked quietly, he though he heard a hint of fear laced into her tone, could Rory Gilmore be afraid of the dark? He was surprised when he felt a small smile creep onto his face, for the last few weeks thinking of Rory had only brought frustration and pain, and for a second he forgot their situation and let his usual sarcasm slip through his lips "To get candles, we can't sit here in the dark, unless you prefer it that way Miss Gilmore." He said.
Rory was a bit taken aback by the playfully suggestive sarcasm in his voice, she hadn't heard that in a long time.
"Wait! Let me help, I don't want to sit here all alone . . . in the uh, in the dark." She blushed slightly, amazed that she had just admitted to him her fear of thunderstorms and her fear of darkness all in about ten minutes. Her mother didn't even know about those.
Jess smirked in the dark, he didn't have to see her face to know that she was blushing, yet instead of another sardonic comment all he said was "All right." And he stood there as she made her way over to him. Once she was there he started up the stairs. They reached the top and Jess felt for the door handle and let them into the apartment. He staggered over several of the random objects strewn all over the floor of Luke's room as he felt his way to the bathroom. Luke kept a stash of candles under the sink for just such emergencies, though they had never been used before, even when the power went out. Jess was pretty certain that Luke didn't want to use them, seeing as it was Rachel who had bought them in the first place, but now? Jess was prepared to face anything Luke had to say to him in order to have light. He rummaged around for a while, located the dusty candles, made his way back to Rory, and handed them to her as he stumbled off to find matches.
Once all necessary items had been obtained both of them began to make their way out of the apartment. They had almost reached the door when Rory tripped over one of Jess' stray books. Jess heard her shriek and turned around just in time to find Rory falling into his chest. They stood there for a few seconds, both shocked at the sudden contact, and both feeling that same exhilarating buzz flying through them that they had felt that day almost three weeks ago when their hands had grazed, except this time it was more.
Rory had her head on his chest and her arms wrapped around his neck, and she was feeling this surge of tingling electricity enveloping her entire body. And, though she couldn't tell, Jess was feeling exactly the same way. The moment they touched Jess felt a warmth spread throughout his body that he had only ever felt three times before, and neither time had he been with Shane.
Oh God Shane!!
Suddenly he pulled away, though he hated letting go. And the second he did it was back to.
Ugh. . . God . . . shane . . .
Rory came to her senses at about the same time and she cursed herself for being so clumsy "Sorry, I uh, sorry. . . I didn't mean, I just . . . I was . . . and the book, the book was . . . sorry . . ." she rambled on as Jess slowly regained his composure. "Its ok, lets just . . . " and he trailed off as he motioned to the candles scattered all over the floor "Right . . . um, sure." Rory stammered out as she knelt down and gathered the fallen candles. "I think that's all of them." She said simply, still feeling her cheeks burning as she slowly followed him downstairs
It had only taken them a few minutes to set up candles around the diner and light them. It wasn't terribly bright, but there was enough light to allow them to navigate their way around the diner without tripping over anything. Rory had resumed her usual spot at the counter and Jess had taken to washing dishes, he didn't usually do this type of manual labor, but he really didn't want to talk to her right now, he really had no idea what to say. Even if he had he still didn't know it he could, the electricity was still coursing through him, and he was having trouble connecting two thoughts let alone two words.
Rory just sat there for a while, grateful for the fact that there were so many dishes to wash, it gave her time to figure out a topic for conversation, but everything that entered her head sounded stupid and childish, what had happened to her? Why did being around him reduce her usually sharp mind to jelly? She sighed, frustrated.
Jess heard this and looked up from his work "Something wrong?" he asked in an almost-casual-but-still-forced-and-nervous voice as he wiped his hand on a dishtowel and made his way out of the kitchen, there were no more dishes to clean.
"What?" Rory asked, caught off guard by the sudden conversation "No, it's just . . . no" she stuttered. And she focused her eyes on her hands, which were clasped together in her lap. The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence and finally Jess, who was unable to stand the deafening quiet any longer, said "So. . . what to you want to do to, um, to pass the time?" he asked awkwardly.
Rory just sat there for a moment, not exactly sure what to say, but then she blurted out the first thing that entered her mind, "We could read" she said, though it was more a question then a statement.
He smirked at her, "Oh yea, let me just go grab those night vision goggles I have stashed under my bed. . . " he joked . . . joked . . . it felt good to be able to joke around Rory again, but he marveled at the fact that he could, seeing as he still felt the sizzling in his stomach.
Rory smiled embarrassedly as she looked around the darkened diner, candlelight would definitely not be sufficient for reading, so she tried again "We could, uh, we could play a game, a board game or something." she trailed off.
Again her comment was met with a smirk, and Jess laughed a little . . . laughed . . . something good was happening here, he had smirked, laughed, and joked around Rory, all in the last five minutes.
"I do not think that Luke Danes has ever or ever will own a board game in the whole of his existence." Rory smiled also, knowing that this was probably true; Luke wasn't exactly the 'Monopoly' type.
"Well it doesn't have to be a board game." She said "And what other type of game did you have in mind?" Jess asked a little sarcastically. "I don't know, we could play 20 questions? No? Ok um, how about that game when you name a country and then the other person has to. . ." Jess just gave her another skeptical look, she glared at him "Ok I give up, you pick a game." She stated simply and Jess just laughed again.
"You want me to pick? I'm not sure that's such a good idea seeing as I don't know any games in which you don't need dice, or cards, or a slot machine . . ." She just rolled her eyes and sighed exaggeratedly as his sarcasm again rang true. She wasn't sure what it was about this night that had put them back to real speaking terms, where they could laugh and be exceedingly but comfortably sarcastic, but she wasn't complaining. "Alright we could play Third Degree?" she said
"We could play what?" he asked, having never before heard of this game.
"Third Degree, Lane and I made it up a while ago, we were like twelve and it's a little corny, but anyway, what you do is you sit down with a person and ask them questions, like 'what's your best childhood memory?, or what's your greatest fear?' stuff like that." She said smiling.
"And the point of this game is?" Jess asked. "I don't know actually, I don't think there was a point, Lane and I just thought it up one night when we were to lazy to go find the music version of Trivial Pursuit that Lane has hidden under her floor. But hey, you don't want to play this? We could always resort to Cats Cradle, or hand puppets, hey I could give you a makeover . . ." She teased and Jess held up his hands "Third Degree it is." And he pulled a stool around the other side of the counter so he could sit across from her.
~~~~~~~~*&*~~~~~~~~
Rory laughed a little as she felt her face redden. She looked down at her hands before whispering, almost inaudibly, "Dean" Jess stared at her in disbelief then struggled to subdue laughter.
"Dean? As in Dean your boyfriend of the moment? He was your first kiss?" He asked, still attempting in vain to control his snickering.
Rory looked up "Oh shut up, I was in Doose's about a year and a half ago and we were standing near baking accessories and he leaned in and kissed me. I panicked and said 'Thank you' of all things, and then I ran out of the store and shoplifted as box of cornstarch. There you have it" she said, beginning to laugh at the insane look on Jess' face. He was trying really hard to not laugh hysterically at her and his face was turning red in the process. She sighed exaggeratedly, "Fine, fine! Mock all you want. What about you? What was your first kiss?" she asked.
Suddenly he burst out in laughter and she shot him a glare. "No, no I'm not laughing at you, I'm just laughing at the memory of my first kiss, it was extremely awkward and one of those moments when you wonder if you're on candid camera or something." He said through chuckles.
"Go on." Rory prompted, she really wanted to hear this one. She was also really enjoying herself. If you had told her earlier that day that she would be trapped inside Luke's in a storm playing some stupid game her and Lane had thought up and then deemed to lame to actually play themselves, and on top of it playing it with Jess and actually having fun, and laughing and bantering with him like old times? She would have just passed you off for mentally disturbed. But now? This night had been great, everything seemed normal between them. She had told him more about her past and her life through this game then even Lane knew, let alone Dean, and she had no reservations about doing it, she felt like she could tell Jess anything and everything, a feeling Dean had never presented her with. And she could tell Jess was opening up to her, revealing things about himself that nobody else on the planet knew, something he rarely did, even around her. Just blame this sudden 180 in their attitudes toward each other it on the situation, but hey, neither were complaining.
Jess drew a deep breath to steady himself and then continued "Well I was eleven and it was during the first month of sixth grade. I was standing in the middle of the hallway, surrounded by my friends, a few teachers, and the Dean of students, and my girlfriend Skyler marched up to me and announced that her and her friends had a bet going as to whose boyfriend was the best kisser. She said that since she hadn't kissed me yet she would have to now, and she pulled me in by the collar and injected about a liter of saliva into my mouth. I was so stunned I didn't know what to do, and with everyone watching? I nearly wet my pants from embarrassment.it was terrible AND I didn't even win the bet." He finished. By this time Rory wasn't even trying to control her giggles, and it took her a few minutes to regain her composure.
Once she did she had to think for a minute and then came up with a question for him, "Ok, so what is the best craziest thing you have ever done?" She asked between steadying breaths and a few subsiding giggles. Suddenly Jess became a little serious, the crazy smile dropped from his face and he looked at her and said slowly "I would have to say that the best craziest thing I did was going to this crazy group seizure passed off as town festival and bidding on the basket of this girl I liked, and in doing so risking death and dismemberment by way of her protective cave man- esque boyfriend, all so we could spend the afternoon together, and you know what? It turned out to be a pretty great afternoon." He said and let a small smirk play across his lips as Rory's cheeks flushed slightly at the compliment.
Before she could say anything in response he returned the question "So what about you? What was the best craziest thing you have ever done?" he asked. Rory smiled, she didn't even need time to think about this one, "That's a no-brainer. The best craziest thing I have ever done was skipping school to go see this guy in New York City. I told him it was because he hadn't said goodbye, but really it was because I kind of liked him.And it was a great trip." She finished, strategically leaving out the part about her missing her mother's graduation because of her impromptu visit.
Jess grinned again and took a moment to think up another question, he could tell that they were going to get into deeper topics eventually, seeing as they had exhausted all of the frivolous questions, so he decided to kick it off himself
"What is your greatest fear in life Rory?" he asked. Rory thought a moment and then replied simply "That someone would happen to the people I love." He smiled at her answer, she was so sweet, so pure, and that was what he liked about her. So before she could ask him a question he followed his own up "And what about at this moment, what is your greatest fear at this moment?" He asked quickly. Rory smirked at him,
"Three questions in a row? That's against the rules Mr. Mariano, I mean two is bending the rules, but I let it slide, but I think I'm gonna have to call you on this one." She said laughingly
"You did the same thing before"
"Yes but I made up the game, I have the authority to change the rules whenever I feel like it. But you? By asking those three questions you risk expulsion from said game"
"I live on the edge."
Rory smiled slightly "This I know." She sighed and looked at him before she answered, wondering if she should say it. They had just reconnected, and she didn't want to ruin everything just now. But for some reason she felt like she had to let him know, like she owed it to him to tell him, so she did. "My greatest fear at the moment is that I have turned my back on something that could have been really spectacular." She whispered, and after a few seconds of staring at her hands she looked up at him, and saw a surprised look on his face.
He hadn't expected her to be so blunt, hell he hadn't even expected her answer to have anything to do with him, but it was kind of soothing to know that she might regret her decision. They sat there in silence for a few awkward minutes as Rory thought out and voiced her next question. "Alright, I have one for you Jess. If there were one moment that you could erase from your life what would it be?" She asked spiritedly, trying to raise the enthusiasm in the room back to its previous level. But Jess remained solemn as he thought out his answer. He wasn't sure how she would take this, but since they were being painfully honest tonight he decided to say it. What did he have to lose?
He took a deep breath and looked directly into her eyes. "That would have to be the moment my mom decided to ship me off to Stars Hollow." He stated, and watched the stunned reaction formulate on Rory's face as he let it sink in. After a few seconds he continued "If I had never come here I wouldn't have stolen a gnome or been pushed in a lake or staged a phony murder scene or turned an entire town against me. I would have never met you. I would have never borrowed your book; I would never have jumped into that sleigh, or bought your basket. I would never have befriended you. I would never have stolen your bracelet just because I wanted to have something that was yours. I wouldn't have had to watch you with Dean. I wouldn't have switched 'Bambi' for 'Blonde Babes' at the video store. I would have never brought you that care package or wrecked your car broken your wrist. And most importantly I would never have had to watch your back as you walked away from me. Twice." He faltered as he said the last part and noticed the stricken, hurt, and confused look on Rory's face. He could tell he had cut her deeply by saying that he wished he had never known her, but then he saw her expression soften with his voice as he made his final statement
"I wish we were strangers again, and everything was as it was before the day I lost you." This time he focused on the countertop for a little while longer before looking at Rory, and as soon as he did he saw comprehension dawning on her face, and her heard her voice crack a little as she said "Ari Hest." and he nodded slowly.
Rory sat there for a second after he had confirmed the name of the speaker of that quote. And for a second she sat there hating herself. She hated herself for causing the pain she saw in his eyes the moment he had looked at her, she hated herself for being so god damn loyal to Dean when she knew that she would much rather be with Jess, she hated herself for not admitting it sooner.
Ugh, GODDAM him for ALWAYS saying the right thing at the right time. Its like some godforsaken talent
Her thoughts were then broken by Jess' voice "What was the hardest thing you ever had to do in the past year?" Rory had completely forgotten they were still playing that stupid game in lieu of his last statement, but she knew the answer right away, it was her turn to be honest, and she was surprised at how easily the words came out of her mouth.
"Walking away." She said plainly, she didn't even need to finish the sentence for him to understand what she was talking about, and he nodded slowly as they both tried to hide the fact that they felt unwelcome but overdue tears bubbling up inside of them, Jess with a little more finesse then Rory, after all he had had experience in hiding his emotions. "And in your whole life?" he followed up. She exhaled sadly as she once again brought her eyes to his "Walking away" she repeated and she watched through slightly blurred vision as he clenched his teeth to keep his tears from showing in his eyes.
Get a grip Mariano, your losing it. No girl has ever made you cry before . . . well no other girl . . . Ugh, GODDAM her for being able to do this to me.
Jess couldn't take this. This was supposed to be a stupid game, how in God's name had it turned to this? And why was it that he felt like crying? No other girl had ever had this effect on him before, not one. All of the walls that he had worked so hard to build and reinforce came down by themselves when he was with her, and he hated feeling so vulnerable. But at the same time she made him feel safe, comforted in the fact that she would never hurt him. Which was obviously crazy because she had many times, but now? Now that comfort that's had been absent for a while was coming back, stronger then ever, and he couldn't explain why, so he just at there silently.
Rory sensed that this game was drawing to an end by the expression on Jess' face, so she decided to make her last question worth while, "Jess" she said softly as she tried unsuccessfully to wipe the tears from her eyes without him noticing "If there were one thing you could change about the last month, what would it be?" She watched him as he did a very un-Jess like thing and stared at his shifting feet. He was normally Mr. Assertive and Self-Confident, but right now he looked kind of tense and a little uneasy, but at the same time she thought she saw tentative openness about him, it was all extremely bizarre; this entire night had been extremely bizarre.
Suddenly his head rose to stare at her, and she started a little from the sudden movement in him, but immediately refocused when she saw the trail left by a single tear on his cheek. She had never seen Jess cry before, except for that once; and before that night she didn't even know that he could cry, or rather if he would. He had established himself in this town as being tough, rebellious, and unflinching and this lone tear had completely defied all of those qualities, and it somehow made Rory nervous. Something big must be coming to make Jess cry, that's what had happened last time anyway.
She sat there not breathing, just watching as he opened his mouth a few times to start but second guessed himself. Then, without notice, his face set and he locked his eyes into hers, took a long breath, and spoke.
Jess heard the question as if in slow motion, but as soon as it was out his brain began to process possible answers. Sure he wanted to tell her the truth, but he didn't know if he could. He had been through more hurt and pain over her in the past month and a half then ever before in his life and he wasn't sure if he wanted to open himself to her again. He knew he wanted to be with her, there was no doubt in his mind about that, but what if she still remained loyal to him? What if she still wouldn't risk hurting Dean? Or worse . . . what if she's gotten over me? Then he would have to be around her all every day knowing that he had once more let himself be thrown into quicksand by her. He could feel that if he told her she would probably believe and understand it, and maybe it could change things, but by saying the words he wanted to say he was putting himself in front of the firing squad, again, for the third time. And past experiences were telling him not to do it, not to let her in again, not to let his heart be shattered once more.
Suddenly he became aware of a hot streak running down his face, and he realized he was crying. He was about to reach up and wipe it away but instead he just let it fall, and as it plummeted to the ground so did all of his fears, all of his restraint, and all of his doubts as he let himself realize how deeply he cared, and that this foreign feeling of love was breaking through his tough exterior. He almost wanted to smile, Rory Gilmore had changed him, a girl had had an effect on him, it was so crazy and unlike him, but somehow it fit. So with his newfound freedom he looked at her and began to speak softly.
"I think I would take us back to that night." He said delicately, seeing Rory look unmoved, she had expected something about that, it was why she asked the question. But he knew she hadn't anticipated what he was about to say to her, and after a moment of silence he continued
"And after experiencing what I have over the past few weeks, and knowing what I now know, I would change what I said to you. I would tell you that I . . . that I loved you." Even in his freedom he still had problems letting the words come out.
Now he saw confusion on her face "But . . . I mean, you did." She said with quiet apprehension and he smiled a little before he went on
"Yea I know I said the words but then I didn't exactly mean it. I said it to comfort you, to let you know that I cared, and I did Rory, its just then I didn't THINK I cared like you did." He paused again as the shocked look made a second appearance on Rory's face and then continued, a bit awkwardly. He had never had to say anything like this before, he had never even expressed himself like this before, and with the fact that this was totally out of character for him came the inexperience that made him extremely nervous and uncomfortable.
"I don't think I really knew how to um, you know to love. I mean it's never been there before. I didn't know what it felt like to love someone, so I didn't know that what I was feeling with you really was love, and not like. So that night I didn't think that I cared as deeply as I actually did, so that is why I just let you leave without a fight, because even though I loved you I didn't know it, and I didn't want to hold you back from what you thought was right. So I watched you walk away and I went home and for the first time in my life I um, I . . . cried, like really cried. I knew the next morning, when I saw you in the diner, how stupid I had been for letting you go like that. Yet it still hadn't dawned on me, the fact that I love you that is . . . Then over the past three weeks, when I have barely talked to you, the irrevocability of our situation made me know what it was to hurt. And then tonight . . . and just now . . . I guess for me, being without you has made me realize that I did love you, and I have all along. So if I were back on that night, I would tell you I loved you, and this time not let go." Jess stopped, knowing he had more to say but also knowing he couldn't. He also didn't want to continue rambling; the only thing that told him that she had actually understood his insanely garbled ramble was the shocked but regretful and pained expression he saw on Rory's face. So for the next few minutes both sat there in an astonished silence. Jess at the speech he had just made and at the things about himself that he had just revealed to her, and Rory as she realized what she had done.
Disclaimer-getting bored of writing it, check other chapters
Chapter 6: Third Degree
For a few seconds neither reacted to the sudden power loss, but after the initial shock subsided Jess began to feel around the diner.
Once he had successfully made his way to the fuse box in the kitchen he flipped it open and strained his eyes against the darkness. He looked for a few moments and played with the switches, trying desperately to make the lights go on. An entire night in the dark with Rory Gilmore wasn't to appealing at the moment, not with everything that had happened.
I should have just let her go home!! Argh!! Jeez when did I develop a conscience??
He slammed the box shut with a loud bang and gritted his teeth as he slowly moved back into the main section of the diner where he could just make out Rory's silhouette. "No use, a line must be down somewhere." He said simply and began to feel his way toward the staircase
"Where are you going?" Rory asked quietly, he though he heard a hint of fear laced into her tone, could Rory Gilmore be afraid of the dark? He was surprised when he felt a small smile creep onto his face, for the last few weeks thinking of Rory had only brought frustration and pain, and for a second he forgot their situation and let his usual sarcasm slip through his lips "To get candles, we can't sit here in the dark, unless you prefer it that way Miss Gilmore." He said.
Rory was a bit taken aback by the playfully suggestive sarcasm in his voice, she hadn't heard that in a long time.
"Wait! Let me help, I don't want to sit here all alone . . . in the uh, in the dark." She blushed slightly, amazed that she had just admitted to him her fear of thunderstorms and her fear of darkness all in about ten minutes. Her mother didn't even know about those.
Jess smirked in the dark, he didn't have to see her face to know that she was blushing, yet instead of another sardonic comment all he said was "All right." And he stood there as she made her way over to him. Once she was there he started up the stairs. They reached the top and Jess felt for the door handle and let them into the apartment. He staggered over several of the random objects strewn all over the floor of Luke's room as he felt his way to the bathroom. Luke kept a stash of candles under the sink for just such emergencies, though they had never been used before, even when the power went out. Jess was pretty certain that Luke didn't want to use them, seeing as it was Rachel who had bought them in the first place, but now? Jess was prepared to face anything Luke had to say to him in order to have light. He rummaged around for a while, located the dusty candles, made his way back to Rory, and handed them to her as he stumbled off to find matches.
Once all necessary items had been obtained both of them began to make their way out of the apartment. They had almost reached the door when Rory tripped over one of Jess' stray books. Jess heard her shriek and turned around just in time to find Rory falling into his chest. They stood there for a few seconds, both shocked at the sudden contact, and both feeling that same exhilarating buzz flying through them that they had felt that day almost three weeks ago when their hands had grazed, except this time it was more.
Rory had her head on his chest and her arms wrapped around his neck, and she was feeling this surge of tingling electricity enveloping her entire body. And, though she couldn't tell, Jess was feeling exactly the same way. The moment they touched Jess felt a warmth spread throughout his body that he had only ever felt three times before, and neither time had he been with Shane.
Oh God Shane!!
Suddenly he pulled away, though he hated letting go. And the second he did it was back to.
Ugh. . . God . . . shane . . .
Rory came to her senses at about the same time and she cursed herself for being so clumsy "Sorry, I uh, sorry. . . I didn't mean, I just . . . I was . . . and the book, the book was . . . sorry . . ." she rambled on as Jess slowly regained his composure. "Its ok, lets just . . . " and he trailed off as he motioned to the candles scattered all over the floor "Right . . . um, sure." Rory stammered out as she knelt down and gathered the fallen candles. "I think that's all of them." She said simply, still feeling her cheeks burning as she slowly followed him downstairs
It had only taken them a few minutes to set up candles around the diner and light them. It wasn't terribly bright, but there was enough light to allow them to navigate their way around the diner without tripping over anything. Rory had resumed her usual spot at the counter and Jess had taken to washing dishes, he didn't usually do this type of manual labor, but he really didn't want to talk to her right now, he really had no idea what to say. Even if he had he still didn't know it he could, the electricity was still coursing through him, and he was having trouble connecting two thoughts let alone two words.
Rory just sat there for a while, grateful for the fact that there were so many dishes to wash, it gave her time to figure out a topic for conversation, but everything that entered her head sounded stupid and childish, what had happened to her? Why did being around him reduce her usually sharp mind to jelly? She sighed, frustrated.
Jess heard this and looked up from his work "Something wrong?" he asked in an almost-casual-but-still-forced-and-nervous voice as he wiped his hand on a dishtowel and made his way out of the kitchen, there were no more dishes to clean.
"What?" Rory asked, caught off guard by the sudden conversation "No, it's just . . . no" she stuttered. And she focused her eyes on her hands, which were clasped together in her lap. The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence and finally Jess, who was unable to stand the deafening quiet any longer, said "So. . . what to you want to do to, um, to pass the time?" he asked awkwardly.
Rory just sat there for a moment, not exactly sure what to say, but then she blurted out the first thing that entered her mind, "We could read" she said, though it was more a question then a statement.
He smirked at her, "Oh yea, let me just go grab those night vision goggles I have stashed under my bed. . . " he joked . . . joked . . . it felt good to be able to joke around Rory again, but he marveled at the fact that he could, seeing as he still felt the sizzling in his stomach.
Rory smiled embarrassedly as she looked around the darkened diner, candlelight would definitely not be sufficient for reading, so she tried again "We could, uh, we could play a game, a board game or something." she trailed off.
Again her comment was met with a smirk, and Jess laughed a little . . . laughed . . . something good was happening here, he had smirked, laughed, and joked around Rory, all in the last five minutes.
"I do not think that Luke Danes has ever or ever will own a board game in the whole of his existence." Rory smiled also, knowing that this was probably true; Luke wasn't exactly the 'Monopoly' type.
"Well it doesn't have to be a board game." She said "And what other type of game did you have in mind?" Jess asked a little sarcastically. "I don't know, we could play 20 questions? No? Ok um, how about that game when you name a country and then the other person has to. . ." Jess just gave her another skeptical look, she glared at him "Ok I give up, you pick a game." She stated simply and Jess just laughed again.
"You want me to pick? I'm not sure that's such a good idea seeing as I don't know any games in which you don't need dice, or cards, or a slot machine . . ." She just rolled her eyes and sighed exaggeratedly as his sarcasm again rang true. She wasn't sure what it was about this night that had put them back to real speaking terms, where they could laugh and be exceedingly but comfortably sarcastic, but she wasn't complaining. "Alright we could play Third Degree?" she said
"We could play what?" he asked, having never before heard of this game.
"Third Degree, Lane and I made it up a while ago, we were like twelve and it's a little corny, but anyway, what you do is you sit down with a person and ask them questions, like 'what's your best childhood memory?, or what's your greatest fear?' stuff like that." She said smiling.
"And the point of this game is?" Jess asked. "I don't know actually, I don't think there was a point, Lane and I just thought it up one night when we were to lazy to go find the music version of Trivial Pursuit that Lane has hidden under her floor. But hey, you don't want to play this? We could always resort to Cats Cradle, or hand puppets, hey I could give you a makeover . . ." She teased and Jess held up his hands "Third Degree it is." And he pulled a stool around the other side of the counter so he could sit across from her.
~~~~~~~~*&*~~~~~~~~
Rory laughed a little as she felt her face redden. She looked down at her hands before whispering, almost inaudibly, "Dean" Jess stared at her in disbelief then struggled to subdue laughter.
"Dean? As in Dean your boyfriend of the moment? He was your first kiss?" He asked, still attempting in vain to control his snickering.
Rory looked up "Oh shut up, I was in Doose's about a year and a half ago and we were standing near baking accessories and he leaned in and kissed me. I panicked and said 'Thank you' of all things, and then I ran out of the store and shoplifted as box of cornstarch. There you have it" she said, beginning to laugh at the insane look on Jess' face. He was trying really hard to not laugh hysterically at her and his face was turning red in the process. She sighed exaggeratedly, "Fine, fine! Mock all you want. What about you? What was your first kiss?" she asked.
Suddenly he burst out in laughter and she shot him a glare. "No, no I'm not laughing at you, I'm just laughing at the memory of my first kiss, it was extremely awkward and one of those moments when you wonder if you're on candid camera or something." He said through chuckles.
"Go on." Rory prompted, she really wanted to hear this one. She was also really enjoying herself. If you had told her earlier that day that she would be trapped inside Luke's in a storm playing some stupid game her and Lane had thought up and then deemed to lame to actually play themselves, and on top of it playing it with Jess and actually having fun, and laughing and bantering with him like old times? She would have just passed you off for mentally disturbed. But now? This night had been great, everything seemed normal between them. She had told him more about her past and her life through this game then even Lane knew, let alone Dean, and she had no reservations about doing it, she felt like she could tell Jess anything and everything, a feeling Dean had never presented her with. And she could tell Jess was opening up to her, revealing things about himself that nobody else on the planet knew, something he rarely did, even around her. Just blame this sudden 180 in their attitudes toward each other it on the situation, but hey, neither were complaining.
Jess drew a deep breath to steady himself and then continued "Well I was eleven and it was during the first month of sixth grade. I was standing in the middle of the hallway, surrounded by my friends, a few teachers, and the Dean of students, and my girlfriend Skyler marched up to me and announced that her and her friends had a bet going as to whose boyfriend was the best kisser. She said that since she hadn't kissed me yet she would have to now, and she pulled me in by the collar and injected about a liter of saliva into my mouth. I was so stunned I didn't know what to do, and with everyone watching? I nearly wet my pants from embarrassment.it was terrible AND I didn't even win the bet." He finished. By this time Rory wasn't even trying to control her giggles, and it took her a few minutes to regain her composure.
Once she did she had to think for a minute and then came up with a question for him, "Ok, so what is the best craziest thing you have ever done?" She asked between steadying breaths and a few subsiding giggles. Suddenly Jess became a little serious, the crazy smile dropped from his face and he looked at her and said slowly "I would have to say that the best craziest thing I did was going to this crazy group seizure passed off as town festival and bidding on the basket of this girl I liked, and in doing so risking death and dismemberment by way of her protective cave man- esque boyfriend, all so we could spend the afternoon together, and you know what? It turned out to be a pretty great afternoon." He said and let a small smirk play across his lips as Rory's cheeks flushed slightly at the compliment.
Before she could say anything in response he returned the question "So what about you? What was the best craziest thing you have ever done?" he asked. Rory smiled, she didn't even need time to think about this one, "That's a no-brainer. The best craziest thing I have ever done was skipping school to go see this guy in New York City. I told him it was because he hadn't said goodbye, but really it was because I kind of liked him.And it was a great trip." She finished, strategically leaving out the part about her missing her mother's graduation because of her impromptu visit.
Jess grinned again and took a moment to think up another question, he could tell that they were going to get into deeper topics eventually, seeing as they had exhausted all of the frivolous questions, so he decided to kick it off himself
"What is your greatest fear in life Rory?" he asked. Rory thought a moment and then replied simply "That someone would happen to the people I love." He smiled at her answer, she was so sweet, so pure, and that was what he liked about her. So before she could ask him a question he followed his own up "And what about at this moment, what is your greatest fear at this moment?" He asked quickly. Rory smirked at him,
"Three questions in a row? That's against the rules Mr. Mariano, I mean two is bending the rules, but I let it slide, but I think I'm gonna have to call you on this one." She said laughingly
"You did the same thing before"
"Yes but I made up the game, I have the authority to change the rules whenever I feel like it. But you? By asking those three questions you risk expulsion from said game"
"I live on the edge."
Rory smiled slightly "This I know." She sighed and looked at him before she answered, wondering if she should say it. They had just reconnected, and she didn't want to ruin everything just now. But for some reason she felt like she had to let him know, like she owed it to him to tell him, so she did. "My greatest fear at the moment is that I have turned my back on something that could have been really spectacular." She whispered, and after a few seconds of staring at her hands she looked up at him, and saw a surprised look on his face.
He hadn't expected her to be so blunt, hell he hadn't even expected her answer to have anything to do with him, but it was kind of soothing to know that she might regret her decision. They sat there in silence for a few awkward minutes as Rory thought out and voiced her next question. "Alright, I have one for you Jess. If there were one moment that you could erase from your life what would it be?" She asked spiritedly, trying to raise the enthusiasm in the room back to its previous level. But Jess remained solemn as he thought out his answer. He wasn't sure how she would take this, but since they were being painfully honest tonight he decided to say it. What did he have to lose?
He took a deep breath and looked directly into her eyes. "That would have to be the moment my mom decided to ship me off to Stars Hollow." He stated, and watched the stunned reaction formulate on Rory's face as he let it sink in. After a few seconds he continued "If I had never come here I wouldn't have stolen a gnome or been pushed in a lake or staged a phony murder scene or turned an entire town against me. I would have never met you. I would have never borrowed your book; I would never have jumped into that sleigh, or bought your basket. I would never have befriended you. I would never have stolen your bracelet just because I wanted to have something that was yours. I wouldn't have had to watch you with Dean. I wouldn't have switched 'Bambi' for 'Blonde Babes' at the video store. I would have never brought you that care package or wrecked your car broken your wrist. And most importantly I would never have had to watch your back as you walked away from me. Twice." He faltered as he said the last part and noticed the stricken, hurt, and confused look on Rory's face. He could tell he had cut her deeply by saying that he wished he had never known her, but then he saw her expression soften with his voice as he made his final statement
"I wish we were strangers again, and everything was as it was before the day I lost you." This time he focused on the countertop for a little while longer before looking at Rory, and as soon as he did he saw comprehension dawning on her face, and her heard her voice crack a little as she said "Ari Hest." and he nodded slowly.
Rory sat there for a second after he had confirmed the name of the speaker of that quote. And for a second she sat there hating herself. She hated herself for causing the pain she saw in his eyes the moment he had looked at her, she hated herself for being so god damn loyal to Dean when she knew that she would much rather be with Jess, she hated herself for not admitting it sooner.
Ugh, GODDAM him for ALWAYS saying the right thing at the right time. Its like some godforsaken talent
Her thoughts were then broken by Jess' voice "What was the hardest thing you ever had to do in the past year?" Rory had completely forgotten they were still playing that stupid game in lieu of his last statement, but she knew the answer right away, it was her turn to be honest, and she was surprised at how easily the words came out of her mouth.
"Walking away." She said plainly, she didn't even need to finish the sentence for him to understand what she was talking about, and he nodded slowly as they both tried to hide the fact that they felt unwelcome but overdue tears bubbling up inside of them, Jess with a little more finesse then Rory, after all he had had experience in hiding his emotions. "And in your whole life?" he followed up. She exhaled sadly as she once again brought her eyes to his "Walking away" she repeated and she watched through slightly blurred vision as he clenched his teeth to keep his tears from showing in his eyes.
Get a grip Mariano, your losing it. No girl has ever made you cry before . . . well no other girl . . . Ugh, GODDAM her for being able to do this to me.
Jess couldn't take this. This was supposed to be a stupid game, how in God's name had it turned to this? And why was it that he felt like crying? No other girl had ever had this effect on him before, not one. All of the walls that he had worked so hard to build and reinforce came down by themselves when he was with her, and he hated feeling so vulnerable. But at the same time she made him feel safe, comforted in the fact that she would never hurt him. Which was obviously crazy because she had many times, but now? Now that comfort that's had been absent for a while was coming back, stronger then ever, and he couldn't explain why, so he just at there silently.
Rory sensed that this game was drawing to an end by the expression on Jess' face, so she decided to make her last question worth while, "Jess" she said softly as she tried unsuccessfully to wipe the tears from her eyes without him noticing "If there were one thing you could change about the last month, what would it be?" She watched him as he did a very un-Jess like thing and stared at his shifting feet. He was normally Mr. Assertive and Self-Confident, but right now he looked kind of tense and a little uneasy, but at the same time she thought she saw tentative openness about him, it was all extremely bizarre; this entire night had been extremely bizarre.
Suddenly his head rose to stare at her, and she started a little from the sudden movement in him, but immediately refocused when she saw the trail left by a single tear on his cheek. She had never seen Jess cry before, except for that once; and before that night she didn't even know that he could cry, or rather if he would. He had established himself in this town as being tough, rebellious, and unflinching and this lone tear had completely defied all of those qualities, and it somehow made Rory nervous. Something big must be coming to make Jess cry, that's what had happened last time anyway.
She sat there not breathing, just watching as he opened his mouth a few times to start but second guessed himself. Then, without notice, his face set and he locked his eyes into hers, took a long breath, and spoke.
Jess heard the question as if in slow motion, but as soon as it was out his brain began to process possible answers. Sure he wanted to tell her the truth, but he didn't know if he could. He had been through more hurt and pain over her in the past month and a half then ever before in his life and he wasn't sure if he wanted to open himself to her again. He knew he wanted to be with her, there was no doubt in his mind about that, but what if she still remained loyal to him? What if she still wouldn't risk hurting Dean? Or worse . . . what if she's gotten over me? Then he would have to be around her all every day knowing that he had once more let himself be thrown into quicksand by her. He could feel that if he told her she would probably believe and understand it, and maybe it could change things, but by saying the words he wanted to say he was putting himself in front of the firing squad, again, for the third time. And past experiences were telling him not to do it, not to let her in again, not to let his heart be shattered once more.
Suddenly he became aware of a hot streak running down his face, and he realized he was crying. He was about to reach up and wipe it away but instead he just let it fall, and as it plummeted to the ground so did all of his fears, all of his restraint, and all of his doubts as he let himself realize how deeply he cared, and that this foreign feeling of love was breaking through his tough exterior. He almost wanted to smile, Rory Gilmore had changed him, a girl had had an effect on him, it was so crazy and unlike him, but somehow it fit. So with his newfound freedom he looked at her and began to speak softly.
"I think I would take us back to that night." He said delicately, seeing Rory look unmoved, she had expected something about that, it was why she asked the question. But he knew she hadn't anticipated what he was about to say to her, and after a moment of silence he continued
"And after experiencing what I have over the past few weeks, and knowing what I now know, I would change what I said to you. I would tell you that I . . . that I loved you." Even in his freedom he still had problems letting the words come out.
Now he saw confusion on her face "But . . . I mean, you did." She said with quiet apprehension and he smiled a little before he went on
"Yea I know I said the words but then I didn't exactly mean it. I said it to comfort you, to let you know that I cared, and I did Rory, its just then I didn't THINK I cared like you did." He paused again as the shocked look made a second appearance on Rory's face and then continued, a bit awkwardly. He had never had to say anything like this before, he had never even expressed himself like this before, and with the fact that this was totally out of character for him came the inexperience that made him extremely nervous and uncomfortable.
"I don't think I really knew how to um, you know to love. I mean it's never been there before. I didn't know what it felt like to love someone, so I didn't know that what I was feeling with you really was love, and not like. So that night I didn't think that I cared as deeply as I actually did, so that is why I just let you leave without a fight, because even though I loved you I didn't know it, and I didn't want to hold you back from what you thought was right. So I watched you walk away and I went home and for the first time in my life I um, I . . . cried, like really cried. I knew the next morning, when I saw you in the diner, how stupid I had been for letting you go like that. Yet it still hadn't dawned on me, the fact that I love you that is . . . Then over the past three weeks, when I have barely talked to you, the irrevocability of our situation made me know what it was to hurt. And then tonight . . . and just now . . . I guess for me, being without you has made me realize that I did love you, and I have all along. So if I were back on that night, I would tell you I loved you, and this time not let go." Jess stopped, knowing he had more to say but also knowing he couldn't. He also didn't want to continue rambling; the only thing that told him that she had actually understood his insanely garbled ramble was the shocked but regretful and pained expression he saw on Rory's face. So for the next few minutes both sat there in an astonished silence. Jess at the speech he had just made and at the things about himself that he had just revealed to her, and Rory as she realized what she had done.