Title: Artemis Fowl – Babysitter Extraordinaire
Rating: PG for a few themes(not that bad trust me)
Disclaimer: Ah, just read the first one
a/n: Wow, thanks for reviewing!!! I get very very very happy, especially since I'm sick and skipping school today. I just got braces, and I am in PAIN!!! Not the big thingy around your head to expand jaw braces…the British kind..brackets and wire..but holy shi….ngles, this hurts!!!! And everyone, please please tell me whether you want a growing up or a one shot spellbreak, cos I got two for growing up…will begin next chapter, so quickly tell me!
Nyghtvision: Thanks! I think I will, I loved the fish!
Dreamy Eyes: Cool, thanks for voting.
Tigris: Thank you very much!
Queenstheif: Really? That's so nice of you…aw(blush)
Artemis Fowl The Second: Thanks! Keep reading!
Again, anyone for light romance? Cos I'm dying to write it..nobody?
Chapter Three: Well, it couldn't get much worse…D'Arvit!
Artemis was standing over Juliet's unconscious form. Right, he thought absent mindedly. It can't get any wo …
He clapped his hand over his mouth in an attempt to stop the treacherous thought from completing itself. He had had enough experience to know what would happen if the sentence were finished.
It didn't work.
That was when it started raining.
Artemis swore again, repeating a few words even Trouble Kelp would have been shocked at. All in Gnommish, of course.
He took a deep breath. Okay. He needed to get all three..er.. beings back into the Manor. First he picked up Baby Butler, who was asleep and still clinging to his gun in his left arm and the frightened Baby Holly in his right.
As soon as he had run three paces, Baby Holly began to bawl her Elvin head off.
"No!" said Artemis, his voice desperate. "No no no no.."
He tried in vain to soothe the child, but of course, to no avail. In fact, it got even worse when Holly's screaming awoke her companion who opened his eyes and began wailing as well.
"Ssh, ssh," Artemis said.
'This is extremely bad,' said the part of his mind which always stated the blaringly obvious. He was currently trudging uphill on a squishy, grassy slope, soaked through and having one very loud baby screaming into each ear.
He reached the front door and uttered a security code that only he knew. Once inside, he darted around for a little, thinking of where to put these wet, screaming kids. A couch? Too close to the windows. Someone might still be watching them.
The bedroom! Artemis frowned. The bedroom?
Stopping to breathe for a few seconds, he wondered what Juliet was going to do to him when she saw the mud on the floor.
D'Arvit! Juliet!
He set the babies on one of the softer kitchen tabletops and sprinted off.
Artemis ran out into the rain again and stopped where she was. Thinking quickly, he tried to lift her body. No good. He swore. Stupid home gym thing.
It had actually worked, but with school and goblin rebellions, bodybuilding was not too high on the list of Artemis Fowl Junior's things to do.
He made a few brief calculations, then, with the help of mathematics and science, managed to get Juliet Butler onto his shoulder.
"Aah!"
How could anybody so small be so D'Arvitted heavy?
He staggered under her weight, and slowly, step by excruciating step, made his way up the hill to the former castle.
Artemis sat back.
He had put Juliet on the couch by the first fireplace, lighting it afterwards, he couldn't carry her much further without straining something.
Miraculously, Butler and Holly were sleeping soundly, and Artemis was, wonder of wonders, making a cup of tea.
Right, he thought, tongue sticking slightly out of his mouth. Hot water..leaves, flowers, lemon, strainers... Voila!
He poured himself a cup, feeling extremely proud of himself. Then he took a sip and remembered, sputtering, why he always had Juliet make his tea for him.
Irritably, he threw out most of the very brown liquid and added more water to it. Less strong, more sweet.
He caught sight of himself in a mirror and laughed drily. There was a sight. Drenched through, muddy, with leaves plastered in odd places and hair plastered to his face, Artemis was mixing tea.
It would have to do.
He decided not to wake the three sleeping..er..beings just yet, choosing instead to finish his mediocre tea and take a hot shower. As he draped blankets over Juliet, Holly and Butler respectively, he made a mental note to ask Juliet to instruct him in the art of tea making.
Then he stepped into the bathroom.
Juliet opened her eyes. Artemis was sitting across a coffee table from her, in an armchair.
Fortunately for her, she did not have the impression that they were married.
Her charge's son was curled up with a cup of tea, speed reading his way through a large volume. This did not surprise her, but the book itself did.
The Puffin Guide to Child Care for Fathers.
Babies. Artemis Fowl was reading up on how to take care of children.
Fuzzily, she bolted upright.
"Morning, Juliet," he said, not taking his eyes off his book. He handed her a cup of tea and she took a sip.
"It's cold," she said, pouring herself another cup.
"I don't doubt that."
They sat in silence for a moment. Juliet tried to make sense of her surroundings. She knew of the existence of the People, she was one of the only humans who did. Her brother was currently a bouncing baby boy. It must have something to do with Master Artemis' dealings with the Fairy folk. She had learned all she could about them when they had captured that police captain or something. Captain Short. Captain Short…
"Artemis," she said.
"Hmm?" he replied, flipping a page.
"Who's the other baby?"
Artemis looked up.
"What makes you think she isn't an ordinary child who was at the wrong place at the wrong time?" he asked.
Juliet thought for a moment. "Well," she started. "The chances of the Fowl-Waynes coming over are something like three hundred to one, they're vacationing in Cambodia."
"I'm listening."
"And no Irishman in his right mind would leave his baby girl with you, no offense meant," she added quickly, seeing the sour expression on Artemis' face. "And the only way my brother could be a toddler is through magic, which leads to the People."
"And therefore?" said Artemis bemusedly. Juliet had hung around his deductive mind for far too long, it seemed.
"That's Holly Short."
Artemis nodded, and Juliet smiled, looking pleased with herself.
"They're asleep right now," said Artemis. "Do you want a copy of the Red Cross' babysitting handbook?"
Juliet laughed shortly. She had a nice laugh, like a tinkling.
"I'm a Butler, Artemis. A female Butler. What do you think we're supposed to do?"
Artemis shifted uncomfortably. Of course, he thought. Butlers served Fowls, naturally the womenfolk were trained to…er…
At that moment, the doorbell rang. Juliet looked, about to go to the door but Artemis jumped up first, glad to not have to answer her question.
For some reason, Juliet thought it extremely funny. It wasn't every day the young master was put in an uncomfortable situation such as the one before.
In the kitchen, somebody gurgled. He'd put them in the kitchen? Oh dear..
She pulled off the blankets and hurried to the babies. It should be right about feeding time.
"Greetings, Mud Bo-eh, Man."
Artemis stifled a laugh.
Julius Root scowled at him. "What are you laughing at, eh?"
"I'm sorry, Commander," said Artemis. "Your attire is just a little unusual."
"What?" said Beetroot, looking down at his clothes; a pink top hat, a sparkling black vest and knickerbockers. Also, a pair of rhinestone studded platform shoes.
"Typical contemporary Mud Person wear, don't you think?"
Artemis struggled to remain straight-faced. "Very fetching, sir."
Commander Root narrowed his eyes at the young boy. "D'Arvit, I'm gonna kill that centaur," he growled. "Foaly!"
There was a rustle from under a bush. Artemis looked. Just visible was the top of Foaly the centaur's new foil hat. There was a buzz of static in the air.
"Is it safe?" said Foaly's voice through a communicator somewhere on Julius' person. Foaly was the most paranoid creature Artemis had ever met. He was shocked that he had actually come aboveground.
"It's alright, Foaly," he called.
"D'Arvit, you centaur, you told me this was typical Mud clothing!"
Foaly laughed over the communicator, and stepped out very carefully from his hiding place. Within a split second he was at Artemis' side.
"Quick, invite me in!" he hissed.
"Oh!" said Artemis, he had forgotten. That must be why the LEP hadn't just barged into his house. "By all means," he said, stepping aside and gesturing.
Once inside, Commander Root was back in his LEP uniform. It turned out that the camouflage had been some special sort of shield that Foaly had invented. Of course.
"Right, Fowl," said Commander Root. "You must be wondering why we are here."
"Well it might have something to do with the fact that Opal Koboi is out and Holly and Butler are babies, but I am wondering how come you didn't just send me an email or something."
Foaly stared. "You didn't even check?" he asked incredulously.
"Well," retorted Artemis, "I do apologise, it must have slipped my mind while I was lugging Holly and Butler back to the Manor!"
"All your connections are out! Not even your laptop is working. You're cut off from civilization!"
Commander Root was losing patience. "Shut up!"
Centaur and Mud Man turned to face him.
"Foaly," he snapped. "Tell him what we're doing here."
"Right, right."
Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"You see," began Foaly. "Koboi's out again. This time it wasn't just about getting back at me, although I dare say she'll never get over losing. Stupid wings."
"Get on with it," growled Commander Root.
"Sorry," he said. "Anyway, she was out for the world this time."
"This time?" said Artemis.
"We got her. So she learned a little about paranoia in Howler's Peak. Some goblin kept stealing her shampoo or something. So anyway, she thought she'd better take out you and Holly first, seeing as you're the ones who stuck her in the big house in the first place. Unfortunately for her, the Book forbids the actual killing of Mud People r fairies, so she decided to disable the both of you with the only thing I wouldn't think of."
"Turning us into children," said Artemis slowly.
"Right. You see, she was going to hit Holly with the age spell, planning for it to spread to the first person she came into contact with. That's why your computer base is burned out, it was supposed to get you out of the house. But I managed to hatch her plot in the nick of time. I warned Holly and Trouble not to go inside, so they barely did. When Butler caught Holly, it went to him instead."
"Why can't I get out of the Manor grounds?"
"That's the other thing. The force field is set to your genetic coding. You, Holly, Butler and another Mud Person I'm not familiar with are not allowed beyond the gardens, or you'll be unconscious before you can say D'Arvit."
"Can't you do anything about that?"
Foaly clicked his tongue, clearly not wanting to talk about it. "Er..I haven't found a way just yet," he said, embarrassed. "But the LEP techies are working to get you out, so don't worry."
At that moment, Juliet arrived, carrying a tray. Training. She stopped when she saw the centaur.
"D-d-drinks?" she managed to utter.
Artemis sighed. "Juliet, this is Foaly and Commander Julius Root of the Lower Elements Police Reconnaissance Unit. Foaly, Commander Root, this is Juliet Butler."
Juliet did a little curtsy, trying not to stare.
"Sit down," said Artemis, remembering his manners.
Once they were all seated, and Juliet brewing up some warm milk for Butler and Juliet, Foaly continued.
"She looks like him too, only less gorilla-ish," he said.
"I heard that!" came from the kitchen.
"Forgive her," said Artemis, "She can't get over the fact that her brother is now a year old."
Commander Root glared at Foaly.
"Right. So we can't do anything about you being trapped, and I can't immediately restore Holly and your manservant to their ages, but I can get them back. Eventually."
"How?" asked Artemis. He was definitely not a child person.
Foaly took out a bottle. "Growth acceleration, Foaly style."
Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"Some fairies use this to get a little taller. I modified a bottle of it, so this stuff makes them grow older as well. Divide it and feed it to each of them and they'll be back to their ages in no time."
"In no time?" pressed Commander Root.
"Alright," Foaly conceded. It'll take about three weeks, they'll grow every day. It'll take two days to begin effects, too. For Holly, it'll work three times as fast because she's an elf, but for Butler, he'll only grow one year a day."
"I have to raise them?"
"Looks like it. We're only here for ten more minutes, gotta scram."
Foaly and Commander Root left the shellshocked Artemis with a bottle of purple, slimy stuff and said goodbye to Juliet. They had to crack Koboi.
"Juliet?"
Juliet looked up. The two babies were happily sucking on milk. Juliet, slightly less responsible than her brother, had slipped some brandy into each serving, so that Baby Butler and Baby Holly would be off like lights in a few minutes.
"Yes, Artemis?"
"You'd better make some more tea."
She had to agree with him. Juliet Butler's tea was the best in Ireland, and the young master's had been…less than satisfactory. She did.
Soon, they were sitting at a kitchen table, sipping tea.
"So?" asked Juliet. "What are they doing about it?"
"Hmm?" he responded, trying to avoid it altogether.
"Artemis," she said firmly, "How am I getting my brother back?"
He took a deep breath. "You're not going to like this."
"Tell me anyway."
He told her. She didn't like it.
Was that longer than usual?
Hope so, it was supposed to be longer but I couldn't do it just now and I really wanna post, so review anyway!!!!
The plot might be a little slow, but I'm really just simply writing this as I go along, so bear with me.
Love ya!!