With a humble, honest feeling
What is precious to me?
I tried to ask to myself
Is there something I want to protect?
But, even if I knew the truth...
I lay alone, between the tangerine trees. Above my head, the green leaves stretched up to the sapphire sky. Below the towel I was laying on, the dirt felt warmed by the heat of the afternoon sun. The scent of leaves and earth surrounded me, mixing with the salty sea air.
I reached up and plucked an orange blossom. The bloom, pearl-white and waxy, emitted a sweet perfume. I smiled to myself and tucked the flower behind my ear.
Downstairs on the decks below, the boys were playing. My companions. I could hear Luffy and Usopp trying to convince Zoro to join them in some made-up game, to pass the time. The swordsman's deep voice argued back, as he did not seem as interested in play as sleep.
And, sweetest of all to my ears, the voice of the ship's cook drifted from the kitchen below, singing some unknown tune as he worked on preparing the evening meal. The words were not ones I knew, but it was easy to feel the emotion in his voice. In his love song.
I closed my eyes and listened to the music of their presence.
It's somehow difficult to live honestly
So I have only one thing left
In my heart
In my heart, I wanted to jump up and join the game, and add the sound of my own laughter to the sound of theirs. I wanted to sit with the swordsman while he slept. And I longed to run into the kitchen and see Sanji's smile, and sing along with him, joining my voice with his in harmony.
But the walls we build inside ourselves are the hardest to tear down.
And after holding back for a whole lifetime, sometimes it seems impossible to let go.
I often have the same dream over and over. In the dream, it's like I'm climbing down inside a dark well, on a long rope. I can't see anything around me but darkness, but I have the sense that I'm hanging somewhere incredibly high up off the ground. The feeling makes me dizzy, afraid to move ahead. And then a familiar voice calls my name.
"Nami! Nami! Come here, this is so COOL!" Luffy will say.
I'll look around in the darkness around me. "But I can't see you!"
Luffy's straw-hatted face would appear, grinning. "I'm right here! Come over here with us!"
I try to look around for another rope, a handhold or foothold, anything to grab onto. But I never find anything, and Luffy will say, "Just jump!"
This is the scariest part to me, it terrifies me every time. How can I just let go? A lump starts to swell in my throat. I begin to feel like it's difficult to breathe. "I can't!"
"Just let go!"
Tears begin to sting my eyes. "I can't! I'll fall!"
Then I hear them all, beckoning to me, calling me. Usopp, Zoro, and Sanji, their voices joining Luffy's.
"Come on, you! Don't be scared!"
"Nami! It's okay! We're all here for you."
"Nami-san! We'll catch you. Trust us."
"Nami, you'll like it, you just have to..."
But in the dream I am never able to do as they ask. The fear of the unknown paralyzes me. I am always too afraid to let go of what I know and can see, and be like them. Be free.
On the deck below, Usopp was laughing hysterically. "Luffy... Luffy stopitstopitstopit! I'm gonna wet my pants!"
"Na, Zoro, wake up! Look at my art!"
"You...! You little pest! You shouldn't draw on people's faces while they're sleeping!" Zoro argued.
Luffy pouted. "But Zorooo... I want you to hang out with us!"
"So just SAY so!" Zoro yelled.
"I did!" Luffy yelled back. "Weren't you listening?"
"Daaaa hahahahaha!" Usopp could not stop laughing, his shrill cackle echoing into the air above the ship.
I felt empty, hearing them. Because I wasn't part of the group. There were always things happening and I'm on the sidelines. And I don't know what I have to do or be to join in. What's so different, between my friends and me? What exactly is it that they're able to do that I'm not?
I want to have the strength to be able to say
I love you, to the one I love
With a shaking smiling face
Like a gently honest sunflower, shining
So I just sat there. I sat behind the rail, watching their playful arguing down below.
A footstep sounded behind me and I turned.
A tall, lanky sillhouette stood on the stairway, framed in the colors of the sunset.
Sanji smiled down at me, warmly. "Nami-san, I brought you an afternoon snack...!"
I just stared at him.
Who does he take me for? Someone who can return his favors? Return his affection? He knows I don't give anything out for free. So why is he always giving? When is he going to turn around and demand payment? What does he want from me, anyway?
Sanji looked a little embarrassed, probably because I was still staring. He looked down at the tray of cookies and tea, and began to prattle on in a way only Sanji can. "M-maybe I should have made something different? It seems Nami-san's not in the mood to eat cookies. I made them again because you seemed to like them last week, but if you've changed your mind, t-that's okay, I'll just go and get something else. Crackers, perhaps? Or a sandwich? Anything Nami-san prefers, whatever she wants, is fine..."
I looked down, letting my hair slip down over my eyes. "Why."
"I just want Nami-san to be happy."
So I gave him what he wanted. My best fake smile. "I'm happy, Sanji-kun."
Sanji looked at me sideways and tapped the ash off his cigarette. "There's a big difference." He smiled gently. "And you know that."
"Why..." I mused, looking up into the sky. I don't understand him at all. What he's after. I don't understand any of them, really.
"Because," Sanji replied, matter-of-factly. His face broke into a shining, honest smile. "I love you."
That was the difference.
Sanji had a power that I did not. Sanji was stronger than I was, because he was not afraid.
The world spun around me, as I looked up into the darkening sky.
Night fell around us, leaving the small ship in darkness upon the waters. The evening meal finished, I watched through the window as Sanji brought plates from the table into the kitchen.
It had been a big dinner, and he had put his whole heart into it. You could tell, the way he was watching us with every bite, waiting for our reactions. Now, with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his tie discarded, he pushed his hair out of his eye and surveyed the large mess waiting for him.
He doesn't mind, I know. Like he always says, this is his job and that's what he knows. So that's what he does. Something strange keeps him going, day after day, meal after meal. Something I don't understand, or even know if I want to.
Because, you know, feelings are not very safe. Passion is one of the scariest things in the world, I think. It makes people do stupid, dangerous things.
I watched through the filmy glass. He let out a long sigh and took a deep drag of his cigarette, ready to set to work.
Suddenly I felt my feet moving, even though I wasn't really thinking about what I was doing...
Sanji was surprised, to say the least, when I peeked in the door. His cigarette almost dropped into the sink, but somehow it magically hung onto his lower lip, teetering in the air. "Nami-san, what brings you here?"
I stepped forward, feeling pretty stupid. "Um, I thought you could use some help." I held out the stack of dirty, gravy-covered plates in my hands, as if I needed to provide evidence.
Sanji's sunny smile spread slowly across his face, warming my uncertainty to the core. "I would love some."
In a strange way, I couldn't help smiling back. "I'm glad."
And you know what? I really was.
I deposited the plates in the sink and began to run hot water. Sanji brought another load of dishes in from the dining room. I just stood there, letting the water run over my hands, the suds from the soap piling up.
Sanji stood next to me, ready.
What do you want to tell
to the one you love?
Can you tell all your thoughts
and your true feelings?
I dunked the first plate under the soapy water and scrubbed it. The dirt looked like it would be hard to get off, but in actuality, it washed clean with little effort. The warmth of the water helped, loosening the mess and easing the task. I sighed, proud of myself, holding up the now-clean plate for Sanji to take.
"Beautiful," he commented, rinsing the plate and drying its shiny surface.
I continued on, wiping the soiled plates one by one and scrubbing them clean. Repeated motions are somewhat comforting, when you're unsure what to say. I began to formulate a process in my head. Dunk, scrub, wipe, dunk.
"This isn't as bad as it looks," I observed, feeling my cheeks pulling into a little smile.
"No, it's easy. It just takes time." Sanji agreed, watching me work. I could feel his eyes on me and was afraid to see the look on his face for some reason.
What does he want from me?
I nodded. Sanji took another plate from my hands, rinsed, and dried. His damp fingers brushed mine as he did so.
I finished the last of the plates and began on the silverware. "We're almost done," I remarked. "This would have taken a long time to do by yourself, wouldn't it have?"
Sanji looked down at the forks and knives as he rinsed them carefully. "Yeah." He dried the silverware and sorted it into the drawer. "It's difficult to do it all alone."
I looked up at him, taken aback. It was apparent in his expression that he wasn't only talking about dishes.
I felt my stomach tighten.
This isn't as bad as it looks. It's easy. It just takes time. It's difficult to do it all alone.
I let out a deep sigh, letting my bangs fall over my eyes.
"Sanji-kun...can I... tell you something?"
Sanji put down the plate he was drying. "Nami-san... you can tell me anything."
Time that goes by is flowing towards eternity
So, you should try to live to have no regrets
In your heart...
I gripped the edge of the sink. I stared down into the water, and my eyes focused finally on my own reflection, looking back up at me. The face was familiar, but the feeling was not.
"Sanji-kun. I..."
He waited, patiently, as I struggled with myself.
"I... I'm tired. Of being alone." I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. The knot in my stomach began to work free. I had said it. Out loud. And now...
Sanji spread his hands gently, in a gesture of support. "Nami-san."
Come on, you! Don't be scared!
Nami! It's okay! We're all here for you.
Nami-san! We'll catch you.
Nami, you'll like it, you just have to...
And I let go. I fell, down, down, down...
Into Sanji's arms. He caught me and held me up, held me tight.
Weird.
My arms crossed over my chest, I felt like a butterfly in a cocoon. My body was trembling uncontrollably. Everything was shaking, everything felt unsure.
Except Sanji. Contrary to my fears, he didn't seem alarmed or annoyed, or the least bit fazed by all the battles going on in my head right now. He didn't ask questions and he didn't make any comments to hurt me.
He just held me close, letting his chin rest on my head. Accepting.
When you want to be together,
to be able to have the weakness to say you want to be together
I want to have that weakness...
And the morning sun will spill light
to dry the sunflower's tears.
I felt something warm and wet on my face. My left cheek. I blinked and looked up. A tear slipped down Sanji's cheek and landed on mine.
He was crying.
The sight of the sunny cook in tears made the pain in my chest increase, and a quick sob escaped my lips. My eyes filled with tears of my own, and even as I bit my lip to hold them back, they spilled over my cheeks, running down to mingle with his.
"Nami-san..." Sanji whispered. "I want you to want to be with me."
I closed my eyes. A deep weight settled within me. I understood, somehow, his feeling. It didn't matter to him what happened after. There would only be one chance and it had to be taken. And if he got hurt, he knew that with time, the pain would go away. It's crazy, really, and I find it hard to believe. I marveled at knowing someone who was able to do that. To trust that.
How do people know it'll be okay with time? Nobody ever promised that. Did they? Does time heal pain? How do you know for sure?
He sniffed, as though he were feeling shy. "I just... had to tell you. I'm not afraid to tell you."
Now I felt a dam somewhere within my chest burst. It hurt, it hurt so bad. "Sanji-kun! I wish I was like you."
Sanji pulled away, wiping his eyes and nose with his sleeve. "A pathetic, emotional mess?" I could tell. He was about to act like he had said nothing, to brush it back under the rug where it was safe.
"No..." I glanced away and then back up at him. "Brave enough to not have to be strong."
Sanji stood frozen, and stared at me, a blush creeping to his cheeks.
And for once, I didn't want to look away again.
Shining in the sunlight, surely
Many seeds of happiness ride the wind.
They are taken to someone's prescence,
And someday will fully bloom.
In your heart.
I moved in close and brushed a stray lock of golden hair from his face.
"I want to be like you." I had to stand on my toes to reach, even in my sandals. But I wanted to. I pressed my lips to his cheek, gingerly, in a kiss.
To be able to say, I love you
to the one you love.
You have that strength.
Sanji began to pull away, confused. He probably thought it was some kind of trick, no doubt. Hey, I've done some stuff you wouldn't believe, to get my way. And he knew that better than anybody.
So I just looked up at him, letting my mouth spread into a soft smile.
"Nami-san?" His eyes searched mine, questioning.
"Sanji-kun." I let him search. I hoped he would see the answer.
I think he did, after a few long moments. Sanji's face broke into a trembling smile. "Nami, I... you don't mind?" he stammered. "You don't mind me?"
I shook my head, feeling for the moment, just a little bashful.
You have that strength, so
with a shaking smiling face
Like an honest sunflower
Puff up your chest
The realization took a moment to dawn on Sanji. When it did, it broke over his face with warmth and light, as his smile grew and grew. His shoulders straightened and he stood taller than before.
I watched him and couldn't help laughing. Sanji, you're so funny.
"I..." he began, searching for words. He threw his arms around me and hugged me tight, then held me at arm's length. I looked down, blushing a little, but found my eyes drawn back to his. The honesty in his smile was too exhilarating for me to take my eyes away for long.
Sanji let out a joyful laugh, catching me in his arms and spinning around. The kitchen whizzed around me, but his warm, laughing face stayed centered in my vision. I laughed with him, feeling free.
Finally.
It's somehow exciting to live honestly
And I have only one thing left
In my heart
One hand holding mine, the other resting lightly on my waist, Sanji twirled me about to a waltz only he could hear. I let him guide me along, following his lead as we danced. Together. If I had had any fears, I could not remember what they were. Because in his presence, the presence of this friend, the shadows seemed to disappear.
This boy who had planted the tangerines for me.
This boy who had tended to me the way I tended to the trees. Providing nourishment, warmth, and light, unconditionally, and then waiting to see if anything came of it.
This boy, whom I had a lot to learn from... this friend who loved me no matter what.
Shining in the sunlight, surely
Once more, seeds of happiness ride the wind
They are carried to where you are
And you and I will make a bigger flower bloom.
Shining...
With a humble, honest feeling.