DISCLAIMER: In a stroke of amazing luck, I found the rights to Harry Potter on ebay and snatched them up for the amazing price of thirty-five cents. That's sarcasm. I don't own Lupin, Snape or Lucius, as much as I'd like to. *shrugs* Life's not fair. Also, this is a SLASH fic, it has been for two chapters, glad you noticed.
DEDICATION: To all my friends who pestered me into writing a sex scene. Oh, is it in this chapter? Maybe yes, maybe no. ^__~
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Back at it! The next chapter promises to be a little… eclectic. The themes jump around a lot, so I'm sorry if it's a bit confusing… Yum… Skittles… Anyway, I should learn to stop putting in these little author's notes… Pretty pointless. OH! And Ginga, I checked on your house and worshipped 'Da Boo.' Proud?
****
"In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name."
- Melodies of Life, Final Fantasy IX
****
Waking in his own bed, feeling much worse for the wear, Remus sighed longingly and flipped onto his back. Last night had been… There were no words to explain what he felt, it was just so ineffable. But, in retrospect, it had been the stupidest thing he had ever done, as well as the stupidest he ever would do. Today he intended to take the potion once more to spend the day with Severus. The wine had done the trick, but its potency was reduced with every draught he took while under its effect. When he had finally ripped himself away from Snape, the polyjuice had only worked for roughly thirteen minutes. If that wasn't a close call, Lupin didn't know what one was!
After a few moments of relishing in the memory of what had happened last night, Remus leaped off his bed to dress for breakfast. He slipped "Lucius'" robes on, reflecting that him not attending breakfast wasn't much of a shock, for he usually couldn't stomach food so early in the morning. So, he would rush down to the dungeons, rouse Snape into coming up and would have the rest of the day alone with him. At some point, probably around lunch, he'd have to stow away from Severus to let the potion wear off and take a full dose, thus renewing the wine-mixture's efficiency. But any risk was worth it just to be with the potions master.
****
"Stop staring at me like that," Snape ordered sourly before taking another bite of his porridge.
"Staring at you like what? I wasn't staring."
"Then I'd like to know what you were doing."
"Gazing," Lupin replied cheerily, fingering his cool glass of milk. He was almost positive someone like Lucius Malfoy would never drink milk for breakfast, but that was all he could seem to keep down.
"That's worse."
Remus simply shrugged in reply, setting his empty glass onto the tabletop before blinking expectantly at Severus.
"What now?!"
"Are you done yet, I'm eager to get going."
"And where are you going?" The professor drawled, his lips curled into a sneer.
"Not me, us."
"Alright. Where are 'we' going?"
"I don't know, for a walk, maybe go swim in the lake like when we were boys. It's terribly hot," Lupin beamed over at the dark-haired man, who looked rather disgusted with the idea.
"Swimming? The only time I ever went into that bloody lake was when Black pushed me in."
He thought hard, for he couldn't seem to remember that occasion. Sirius had pushed Snape into the lake? Oh! Now he remembered, Severus had made some comment about Sirius' O.W.L. scores and he had, well, pushed him into the lake, causing everyone to roar with laughter. It didn't seem very funny now, though. "Then we could always go on a walk."
"I still say you're acting peculiar. Walks? Swimming? If I didn't know better…"
Lupin froze, his heart pounding so hard that he was sure Snape could hear it. He was caught! Of course Lucius would never suggest anything like that, and Severus knew him like no other did.
"I'd think you had cast a cheering charm on yourself," The black-eyed man accused, letting his spoon fall into the empty bowl with a loud clank.
"I can assure you, I haven't. I'm just in a fine mood this morning and don't wish to waste it in the dungeons while you're hunched over a cauldron."
"Uhn." He grunted in reply, standing and smoothing his immaculate robes. "If you want to go on a walk, we'll do it now, before it gets too hot."
****
"Lovely weather, isn't it?" Lupin asked hesitantly, having remembered how shaky conversations with Snape always were. All he ever did to reply was grunt…
"Uhn."
"Aren't you going to talk? I thought that's why we came out here!" This was beginning to annoy Remus. He might as well go talk to himself, at least *he* was capable of replies with more than one syllable.
"We came out to walk. So I am walking."
"You didn't have to come… If you want to be left alone, you're free to go, Severus. It's just, I like being with you. Well, I like being with you when you actually do or say something. Which you aren't right now."
Snape paused beneath a large oak, raising his eyebrows in a gesture of indifference and leaning against the trunk. "It's too bloody hot to do or say anything."
Approaching Severus with a shrewd glint in his eyes, Remus tugged at the robes clinging to the professor's arm. "If you weren't wearing four or five layers of black you might not be so hot."
"Two layers," The potions master snapped, unfastening the top button of his robe and quickly clearing the rest of them. After shrugging out of the top layer, one of Lupin's eyebrows rose as he noted that beneath his robes Severus wore a pair of black pants and a coat that looked like something bought at an army supply store.
"Don't you think all black is just a tad dramatic?"
"No."
"Are you comfortable now?"
"Far from it, but better," Came his drawled answer and Severus regarded Remus with a suspicious glare. "You are a busy man, Lucius, and I have my work, so why do you insist on bothering me at every waking moment?"
Taking a deep breath before giving his reply, attempting to quell the frantic thoughts that popped into mind, Lupin drew close to him. "Because… Because…"
"If that is your answer, I think my time would be better spent working."
"Because you make me feel like I'm back in our fifth year! Those were the best times of my life, Severus! And being with you brings me happiness that I didn't even know that I could experience anymore! I… There are no adequate words for the emotions you inspire in me and there's nothing I could say to convey even the tiniest particle of it. All I want to say is that I have no idea why I care for you so much, but the only way I want to spend the rest of my days is to find out." Lupin them cautiously glanced over at Snape to see what effect his words had him. It was at that moment that he wished that he wasn't such an open person, for Severus sat there, his black eyes wide with an unreadable sentiment.
"Please, Severus… Say something…"
"I cannot."
Lupin could feel his heart aching for some indication of love or hatred, it had been easy when Severus hated him, but now there was no way to know what he was thinking. But, at least he hadn't grunted, Remus added mordantly. "I understand."
This time, Severus did absolutely nothing, except gaze with unseeing eyes out onto the landscape of Hogwarts. He had always had trouble showing affection or expressing his emotions, but never before had he seen him freeze up like that before.
"I've scared you," Lupin murmured, sitting down to hug his knees to his chest.
"In all honesty, yes. Very much so," His voice was empty, as though his thoughts were elsewhere completely.
"At least you're being truthful…"
"You've made me remember things as well, things I'd rather forget."
"About?" This was good, he was making progress. Snape was, little by little, coming out of his shell. Perhaps an answer would come soon.
"You. I think I… I think I loved you then. Though it was not a wise decision."
"Love is never a decision, Severus. Love is an emotion, love is fate, love is the stars. If you thought you loved me, then you did not." This was bad. Severus was delving into a part of his past that Lupin had no knowledge of. He had loved Lucius? As far as he remembered, Lucius never gave Snape the time of day.
"I loved you, then. But nothing could come of it. Nothing can come of it," Once more, his voice had lapsed into that terrible void of feeling.
"Everything can come of it. I've learned one thing in my life, just one. And it is this: If you risk everything for love, for happiness, then whatever comes of it is worth it. There is nothing in this world that can touch you if you know that someone loves you. You live for that person, because you know that your end would mean their end. It works like that for everyone. But there are a few who see loving in the same light. If you love someone, you will live for them. I live for you, Severus. I have always lived for you."
The faintest ghost of a smile formed on Severus' lips as he bent to sit next to Lupin, his gaze fixed exclusively on him. "That you can say such things, for that I admire you. You have the courage that I lack."
His words caught Remus by surprise, for only a few times had he heard Severus talk like this, and all of them had taken place fifth year. Gone was the morose haze in his eyes, gone was the inclusive hatred and most of all, gone was the tight-lipped scowl that he had permanently donned.
"That you can say such things to me, for that I pity you."
"Don't, because I could not be happier if it was anyone else. Love is never a decision, love is something you are born knowing. Even if you shut me out," He paused to bite down on the "again" that was spring-loaded on his tongue, "I would still love no one else. I only have room in my heart for you. Even if you have no room in yours for myself." Remus forced a small smile to keep the tears that began to well at the corners of his eyes from falling.
Feeling an ice cold finger brush against his lower eyelid, Lupin stared in astonishment at Severus, who was wiping his tears away. "Know that I will never say such things to you, know that I will never feel them the way you do, but know that I understand them and reciprocate." And with that, Snape leaned in to plant a chaste kiss on Remus' trembling lips. "And know that I am much smarter than you give me credit for…"
TBC
****
END NOTE: The chapters are progressively getting shorter, but I wanted to leave you with a little cliff-hanger. Feel free to leave questions and ideas on the reviews, I love to see how others view my fics. And I think some things weren't very clear in this chapter… Oh well… *giggles* This is my longest fic ever!
DEDICATION: To all my friends who pestered me into writing a sex scene. Oh, is it in this chapter? Maybe yes, maybe no. ^__~
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Back at it! The next chapter promises to be a little… eclectic. The themes jump around a lot, so I'm sorry if it's a bit confusing… Yum… Skittles… Anyway, I should learn to stop putting in these little author's notes… Pretty pointless. OH! And Ginga, I checked on your house and worshipped 'Da Boo.' Proud?
****
"In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name."
- Melodies of Life, Final Fantasy IX
****
Waking in his own bed, feeling much worse for the wear, Remus sighed longingly and flipped onto his back. Last night had been… There were no words to explain what he felt, it was just so ineffable. But, in retrospect, it had been the stupidest thing he had ever done, as well as the stupidest he ever would do. Today he intended to take the potion once more to spend the day with Severus. The wine had done the trick, but its potency was reduced with every draught he took while under its effect. When he had finally ripped himself away from Snape, the polyjuice had only worked for roughly thirteen minutes. If that wasn't a close call, Lupin didn't know what one was!
After a few moments of relishing in the memory of what had happened last night, Remus leaped off his bed to dress for breakfast. He slipped "Lucius'" robes on, reflecting that him not attending breakfast wasn't much of a shock, for he usually couldn't stomach food so early in the morning. So, he would rush down to the dungeons, rouse Snape into coming up and would have the rest of the day alone with him. At some point, probably around lunch, he'd have to stow away from Severus to let the potion wear off and take a full dose, thus renewing the wine-mixture's efficiency. But any risk was worth it just to be with the potions master.
****
"Stop staring at me like that," Snape ordered sourly before taking another bite of his porridge.
"Staring at you like what? I wasn't staring."
"Then I'd like to know what you were doing."
"Gazing," Lupin replied cheerily, fingering his cool glass of milk. He was almost positive someone like Lucius Malfoy would never drink milk for breakfast, but that was all he could seem to keep down.
"That's worse."
Remus simply shrugged in reply, setting his empty glass onto the tabletop before blinking expectantly at Severus.
"What now?!"
"Are you done yet, I'm eager to get going."
"And where are you going?" The professor drawled, his lips curled into a sneer.
"Not me, us."
"Alright. Where are 'we' going?"
"I don't know, for a walk, maybe go swim in the lake like when we were boys. It's terribly hot," Lupin beamed over at the dark-haired man, who looked rather disgusted with the idea.
"Swimming? The only time I ever went into that bloody lake was when Black pushed me in."
He thought hard, for he couldn't seem to remember that occasion. Sirius had pushed Snape into the lake? Oh! Now he remembered, Severus had made some comment about Sirius' O.W.L. scores and he had, well, pushed him into the lake, causing everyone to roar with laughter. It didn't seem very funny now, though. "Then we could always go on a walk."
"I still say you're acting peculiar. Walks? Swimming? If I didn't know better…"
Lupin froze, his heart pounding so hard that he was sure Snape could hear it. He was caught! Of course Lucius would never suggest anything like that, and Severus knew him like no other did.
"I'd think you had cast a cheering charm on yourself," The black-eyed man accused, letting his spoon fall into the empty bowl with a loud clank.
"I can assure you, I haven't. I'm just in a fine mood this morning and don't wish to waste it in the dungeons while you're hunched over a cauldron."
"Uhn." He grunted in reply, standing and smoothing his immaculate robes. "If you want to go on a walk, we'll do it now, before it gets too hot."
****
"Lovely weather, isn't it?" Lupin asked hesitantly, having remembered how shaky conversations with Snape always were. All he ever did to reply was grunt…
"Uhn."
"Aren't you going to talk? I thought that's why we came out here!" This was beginning to annoy Remus. He might as well go talk to himself, at least *he* was capable of replies with more than one syllable.
"We came out to walk. So I am walking."
"You didn't have to come… If you want to be left alone, you're free to go, Severus. It's just, I like being with you. Well, I like being with you when you actually do or say something. Which you aren't right now."
Snape paused beneath a large oak, raising his eyebrows in a gesture of indifference and leaning against the trunk. "It's too bloody hot to do or say anything."
Approaching Severus with a shrewd glint in his eyes, Remus tugged at the robes clinging to the professor's arm. "If you weren't wearing four or five layers of black you might not be so hot."
"Two layers," The potions master snapped, unfastening the top button of his robe and quickly clearing the rest of them. After shrugging out of the top layer, one of Lupin's eyebrows rose as he noted that beneath his robes Severus wore a pair of black pants and a coat that looked like something bought at an army supply store.
"Don't you think all black is just a tad dramatic?"
"No."
"Are you comfortable now?"
"Far from it, but better," Came his drawled answer and Severus regarded Remus with a suspicious glare. "You are a busy man, Lucius, and I have my work, so why do you insist on bothering me at every waking moment?"
Taking a deep breath before giving his reply, attempting to quell the frantic thoughts that popped into mind, Lupin drew close to him. "Because… Because…"
"If that is your answer, I think my time would be better spent working."
"Because you make me feel like I'm back in our fifth year! Those were the best times of my life, Severus! And being with you brings me happiness that I didn't even know that I could experience anymore! I… There are no adequate words for the emotions you inspire in me and there's nothing I could say to convey even the tiniest particle of it. All I want to say is that I have no idea why I care for you so much, but the only way I want to spend the rest of my days is to find out." Lupin them cautiously glanced over at Snape to see what effect his words had him. It was at that moment that he wished that he wasn't such an open person, for Severus sat there, his black eyes wide with an unreadable sentiment.
"Please, Severus… Say something…"
"I cannot."
Lupin could feel his heart aching for some indication of love or hatred, it had been easy when Severus hated him, but now there was no way to know what he was thinking. But, at least he hadn't grunted, Remus added mordantly. "I understand."
This time, Severus did absolutely nothing, except gaze with unseeing eyes out onto the landscape of Hogwarts. He had always had trouble showing affection or expressing his emotions, but never before had he seen him freeze up like that before.
"I've scared you," Lupin murmured, sitting down to hug his knees to his chest.
"In all honesty, yes. Very much so," His voice was empty, as though his thoughts were elsewhere completely.
"At least you're being truthful…"
"You've made me remember things as well, things I'd rather forget."
"About?" This was good, he was making progress. Snape was, little by little, coming out of his shell. Perhaps an answer would come soon.
"You. I think I… I think I loved you then. Though it was not a wise decision."
"Love is never a decision, Severus. Love is an emotion, love is fate, love is the stars. If you thought you loved me, then you did not." This was bad. Severus was delving into a part of his past that Lupin had no knowledge of. He had loved Lucius? As far as he remembered, Lucius never gave Snape the time of day.
"I loved you, then. But nothing could come of it. Nothing can come of it," Once more, his voice had lapsed into that terrible void of feeling.
"Everything can come of it. I've learned one thing in my life, just one. And it is this: If you risk everything for love, for happiness, then whatever comes of it is worth it. There is nothing in this world that can touch you if you know that someone loves you. You live for that person, because you know that your end would mean their end. It works like that for everyone. But there are a few who see loving in the same light. If you love someone, you will live for them. I live for you, Severus. I have always lived for you."
The faintest ghost of a smile formed on Severus' lips as he bent to sit next to Lupin, his gaze fixed exclusively on him. "That you can say such things, for that I admire you. You have the courage that I lack."
His words caught Remus by surprise, for only a few times had he heard Severus talk like this, and all of them had taken place fifth year. Gone was the morose haze in his eyes, gone was the inclusive hatred and most of all, gone was the tight-lipped scowl that he had permanently donned.
"That you can say such things to me, for that I pity you."
"Don't, because I could not be happier if it was anyone else. Love is never a decision, love is something you are born knowing. Even if you shut me out," He paused to bite down on the "again" that was spring-loaded on his tongue, "I would still love no one else. I only have room in my heart for you. Even if you have no room in yours for myself." Remus forced a small smile to keep the tears that began to well at the corners of his eyes from falling.
Feeling an ice cold finger brush against his lower eyelid, Lupin stared in astonishment at Severus, who was wiping his tears away. "Know that I will never say such things to you, know that I will never feel them the way you do, but know that I understand them and reciprocate." And with that, Snape leaned in to plant a chaste kiss on Remus' trembling lips. "And know that I am much smarter than you give me credit for…"
TBC
****
END NOTE: The chapters are progressively getting shorter, but I wanted to leave you with a little cliff-hanger. Feel free to leave questions and ideas on the reviews, I love to see how others view my fics. And I think some things weren't very clear in this chapter… Oh well… *giggles* This is my longest fic ever!