Title: ACCEPTANCE OF LOVE 1/2
Series: S4 Behind The Scenes
Author: spikeme4now4200
Email: spikeme4now4200@yahoo.com.au
URL: http://au.geocities.com/spikeme4now4200/index.html
Copyright: February 09 2003
Spoilers: You'll be spoiled if you haven't seen Season 4. Everything up
to and including the episode "Where The Wild Things Are" is fair game
for spoilerage.
Pairing: Willow/Tara
Category: Missing Scenes / Romance
Rating: R (US)
Rating Disclaimer: Acceptance of Love – that's all this story is about ;-
) It's about love, romance, and the act of making love. The story is not
meant to be of a smutty nature, but it does contain explicit details of
loving sexual activity between two girls; hence the strong rating.
Disclaimer: The story is mine. However, I don't own the Buffyverse
or any of the characters created by Joss Whedon et al . . . You all
know who they are. I don't wish to harm them; I simply want to play
with them a little :-)
Feedback: Yes Please!!!! I live for feedback!!!! It keeps me writing,
and I'll reply to anyone who emails me. ^_^
Distribution: Everywhere and Anywhere, just let me know where.
Summary: This story takes place directly from where I left things in
part 8a - WILD TOUCHING. It shows what happens next between
Willow and Tara in the days after Wild Things and leads up to the
start of New Moon Rising.
Author's Notes: This is in response to the challenge I posted on the
[willowtarafanficstation] mailing list early October 2002. I thought it
would be cool to remember how the Willow/Tara relationship first
started. This is Part 8b in a series of 10 behind-the-scenes stories
that deal with the start of the W/T relationship. The series starts
with the episode "Hush" and ends with the episode "Restless".
Extra Note: I've written this interim story because there's more of
the W/T relationship to be portrayed, before I can appropriately deal
with the events of New Moon Rising. I could've put all this in the one
part, but I felt it deserved it's own title.
STORY NOTE:
The second part of this is NC-17, and since fanfiction.net
guidlines do not allow such ratings, I have to abide by the website's
rules. Therefore I've only posted the first part of my
story. If you are of age, and want to read the story in it's entirety -
Here's the direct link to it:
http://au.geocities.com/spikeme4now/acceptlove2.txt
***
Tara was the first one to wake up that morning, and as she did so, the
events of the previous night washed over her like a warm embrace.
Yesterday, she and Willow had taken the next step – moved their
relationship into a wholly sexual stage. What's more, she'd finally told
Willow that she was in love with her. The girl hadn't said the words
back to her – but Tara hadn't minded; that wasn't why she'd said them
to her girlfriend.
Loving someone wasn't about having them love you back in return;
loving someone was about wanting them to be happy; and making sure
that the object of your affections never felt pain; or unhappiness; or
insecurity, or anything bad. That's why she'd finally worked up the
courage to tell Willow the truth last night; she'd sensed the girl's
insecurity, and seen the look of pain on her face at Lowell house – and
she never wanted to see that look again, or cause her to feel insecure
about herself.
Even though she didn't know if Willow was in love with her - she didn't
need to have the words said back to her. Although, it would've been
nice to hear them – she was happy simply to have the girl accept them.
She wanted Willow to know that her words of love had been said with
sincerity, and to know that she had someone of her own who would
always be there for her – no matter what.
It made Tara happy to realise that Willow had accepted her love, and
that she'd even asked her to physically show her she was loved. Tara
wondered when she'd get the chance to do just that – the chance to
make love to Willow. The girl had said she wanted it to be special –
candlelight dinner . . . music . . . those had been her exact words.
Tara couldn't help smiling adoringly at the notion – Willow was such a
romantic. She was the type of girl who wanted everyone to have a
happy ending. Thinking back to last week, Tara remembered a
conversation they'd had; where Willow had shyly admitted that she
couldn't stand to watch movies that ended badly. When she was a kid,
she'd seen the movie Love Story once, and had cried for over an hour
afterwards. Tara had kissed Willow's forehead softly at the
revelation, and had pulled the girl into a loving embrace. The more she
got to know Willow – the more she fell in love with her.
Glancing up at her clock, Tara noted she still had about an hour before
her first class. Looking back down at her sleeping girlfriend, Tara
suddenly had a very naughty idea – with an hour before class; maybe
she could kill the time with some sexy-touching. She'd been so shy
last night, that she'd barely touched Willow at all – letting her
girlfriend make most of the moves. For some reason, she felt a lot
bolder this morning – maybe it had something to do with Willow being
asleep; or maybe it was because she now knew her touch would not be
rejected . . .? What's more, their legs were currently intertwined
together, and their panties were the only barriers that stood between
them, and complete lower-body nakedness.
Deciding it was finally time to wake up her girlfriend, Tara leaned over
and gently pressed her lips to Willow's. She then opened her lips
slightly, before taking her girlfriend's lower lip into her mouth. She
sucked on it playfully - running her tongue over it; doing her best to
incite a reaction. After about a minute, she heard a moan coming from
deep within her girlfriend's throat, and before she knew what was
happening – she found herself lying flat on her back, with Willow's
body sensuously pressed up against hers. Willow had crushed their
breasts together, and was now moving her lips heatedly against hers -
thrusting Willow-tongue forcefully into Tara-mouth.
As Willow had slowly become aware of her surroundings, she'd noticed
Tara's tongue against her lip, and her mind had instantly sprung into
action. She remembered everything that had transpired yesterday –
especially the bit about Tara being in love with her. Willow's heart
surged with emotion, and she couldn't help deepening the kiss.
Suddenly, she wanted to feel all of Tara against her; to hold the girl
close; to feel as if they were the one person, and to let Tara's love
physically seep into her being. Which is why she pushed her tongue
into Tara's mouth, as she pressed her body against hers, and
manoeuvred the girl onto her back.
The girls quickly began to lose themselves in each other; their lips
moving; tongues thrusting, as they enjoyed the heady sensation of
their passionate good-morning kiss. After a while, Tara started to
unconsciously run her hands sensuously up and down Willow's back, as
her desire continued to mount. Her hand movements began to get
firmer and faster - inevitably causing the material of Willow's shirt to
rise up, until eventually; Tara's hands were moving against Willow's
bare flesh.
As Willow continued her assault on Tara's lips, she gradually began to
realise that Tara-hands were now on naked Willow-back. The sparks
of energy the girl's hand movements were causing, brought Willow's
self-control further and further to the background. She suddenly
wanted more . . . more Tara-hands - everywhere. Pulling away from the
kiss, she sat herself up in Tara's lap, and pulled her own shirt clear off
her body. She then looked down at her girlfriend expectantly –
silently asking for her touch.
Tara moaned as Willow pulled away from their kiss, but on noticing the
girl's sudden lack of clothing, her moan of disappointment, turned into
one of sheer arousal. Willow was now kneeling on the bed, straddling
her hips as she waited for her to make a move. Tara could see the
question in her girlfriend's eye; could see Willow's silent plea for Tara-
hands . . . How was she to refuse – especially when the girl's nipples
were practically screaming for attention?
Moving up into a sitting position, Tara carefully repositioned Willow, so
that the girl was now sitting in between her legs, with her thighs
wrapped around Tara's hips, and her legs crossed behind her back.
She didn't know what possessed her to be so bold, but the love and
desire coursing through her body at that moment was just too intense
to ignore. Leaning forward, she returned her hands to Willow's back,
and did something she hadn't had enough courage to do yesterday –
take Willow's nipple into her mouth.
Willow closed her eyes, and arched her back as she felt the moist
heat of Tara's mouth covering her right nipple. She'd only been
expecting the sensation of Tara's hands; her fingers – but this was so
much better. Willow couldn't believe how daring her girlfriend was
being this morning – it's as if the girl was trying her best to make up
for all of last night's shyness. Where was the girl, who last night, had
actually trembled with fear and anticipation over such a simple task as
removing her bra? As the girl continued to suckle at her nipple,
Willow suddenly didn't care why Shy-Tara was gone; she was just glad
to have Bold-Tara working her magick.
Tara was also a little surprised by her own actions. She couldn't
believe how utterly sexual she was behaving – wrapping her girlfriend's
legs around her hips; passionately caressing her naked back, and
wantonly sucking the girl's nipple into her mouth. What's more, the
arousal coursing through her body was now so intense, that she was
actually trembling with sensation. As she continued her ministrations,
Tara began to realise the effect her behaviour was having on Willow.
The harder she sucked on the girl's nipple; running her tongue over it
every now and then – the louder the girl's moans became, and the more
she too started to tremble in her arms.
Willow's head was now thrown completely back, as she arched her
breast into Tara's mouth. Her Tara – her innocent, shy Tara . . .
WOW! The girl had some mouth; the way she was sucking at her
nipple was pure torture – in an exquisite way of course. Willow was
still finding it difficult to comprehend that Tara was being so sensual .
. . so erotic. She'd known the girl had an intense hidden sexuality, but
she hadn't realised how powerful it could be when it was directed at
her. Although, why did Tara insist on sucking only her right nipple –
her left nipple needed some attention too? In fact, if it didn't get
some soon, she'd probably scream the whole dorm down in frustration.
"Oh god –Tara!" Willow burst out, digging her fingers into her
girlfriend's back. "I . . . I don't think . . . oh . . . no more . . ." She was
finally reaching the edge of her self-control, and if Tara didn't either;
pull away, or pay some attention to her other nipple, she most
definitely wouldn't be held accountable for her actions.
Hearing Willow's outburst, Tara chose to pull away - becoming
instantly mortified by her actions. What had she been doing? Had
she made Willow uncomfortable – done something wrong? She'd never
had a girl's nipple in her mouth before; never had Willow's nipple in her
mouth, and she'd just given herself completely over to the sensation.
The very fact that it was Willow's nipple she'd been tasting; had made
the experience even more intense and powerful. She loved Willow –
and to actually get to taste a part of her . . . well, it had shaken Tara's
emotions to her core.
This morning, she'd woken up feeling strangely free and very sensual.
She knew it had everything to do with last night – but that still didn't
excuse what she'd just been doing. What if Willow had suddenly
realised she'd made a mistake; that she didn't want this after all? A
lot can change when someone has time to sleep on an idea; they could
feel totally different than the night before. She was proof positive
of that fact; last night she'd found it extremely difficult to initiate
any sexy-touching – whereas this morning; she'd practically ravished
her girlfriend.
"I'm . . . I'm s…so s…sorry," she said – letting go of Willow's nipple. "I .
. . I didn't mean . . ."
Her face was now a very deep reddish-purpley colour, as she removed
her hands from Willow's back, and attempted to pull away from her.
The girl's thighs around her hips prevented her from moving too far
away though, and she was forced to simply rest her hands on the bed;
doing her best to keep her tears at bay, while she gazed apologetically
at her girlfriend.
"Hey," Willow said softly, lifting her hands up to Tara's cheeks. She
could see how distressed Tara had become, and knew instantly what
was behind the girl's reaction. "It's okay," she continued – using her
thumbs to brush away her tears. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I d…didn't?" Tara whispered, becoming increasingly relaxed by her
girlfriend's touch.
"No - Of course not," Willow returned. She smiled lovingly at her
girlfriend, before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. "How could
you do anything wrong?" she asked as she pulled away.
"You mean . . .?" Did Willow mean she hadn't minded her touch . . . that
she hadn't changed her mind . . .?
"Tara," Willow continued gently – resuming her caress of the girl's
cheekbones. "It was just . . . too much . . . I mean . . . not enough . . ."
"Not enough?" Tara was confused – If her touch had been too much;
how was it not enough as well . . .?
Willow blushed; leaning her face closer to her girlfriend's; letting
their foreheads rest together, and their breath intermingle. "Not
enough . . ." she whispered against Tara's lips. " . . . the other one . . .
lonely . . . You know . . .?"
"Oh," Tara whispered back – her lips tingling as they brushed against
her girlfriend's. She finally realised what Willow was talking about – in
her total enjoyment of Willow's nipple, she'd forgotten to pay the
same attention to her other breast. How could she have been so
selfish?
Tara had never done any of this before; making love was so knew, that
she'd forgotten about everything else the instant she'd tasted her
girlfriend's nipple. Although, in all fairness; Willow-nipple in Tara-
mouth was beyond being just sexy; it was downright soulful. When you
love someone as much as she loved Willow, you have a completely
idealistic view of your relationship. Consequently, every knew step
towards sexual intimacy was like a giant milestone for Tara, and left
her feeling more spellbound; and more intoxicated, than she'd ever
felt before.
Whereas Willow was a closeted romantic – Tara on the other hand was
a totally hopeless romantic. In a way, Tara held Willow up on a
pedestal; Willow was the untouchable Goddess; a manifestation of love
- a higher being; like Aphrodite in all of her beautiful splendour.
Willow represented love; perfection, and everything that was good and
pure in Tara's life; that's why she'd been so afraid to touch her last
night. How could she corrupt something so wondrous with her touch?
She had no right to touch Willow that way; Willow was her goddess;
her angel, her everything . . .
However, Tara wasn't totally blind-sighted by her puristic notions.
She knew that Willow was also a flesh-and-blood person; a sexual
creature who not only wanted to touch, but wanted to be touched as
well. Tara's problem lay in finding a balance; a way of keeping her
idealistic view of their relationship intact, while still allowing herself
to succumb to the sexual side of it.
It's just that sometimes; moments like this morning – the two sides
collided so intensely, that Tara didn't know which side she was giving in
to. Sucking Willow's nipple into her mouth had been both a sexual act,
as well as one of pure worship. What's more, merging the two
together had caused her to become so entranced; she'd lost all sense
of self and reality. So much so, that she'd forgotten all about what
Willow might need; that she had two nipples that needed attention;
and had concentrated only on her own selfish devotion.
How could she have been so self-centred? Closing her eyes, Tara let
the guilt wash over her like a cold shower. Her love for Willow was
magickal; sexual; spiritual, and it consumed her totally. Lifting her
hands from the bed, she returned them to her girlfriend's back, and
moved her head down to Willow's shoulder. She held the girl tightly,
as she did her best to calm her emotions.
Willow had noticed the play of emotions on Tara's face as she
caressed her cheeks. She could see how distressed she was, and how
busy her mind appeared. What was the girl thinking – feeling? When
Tara had pulled her into a warm embrace, Willow had willingly followed
her girlfriend's lead – and now had her own arms wrapped around
Tara's back. Unconsciously, she began releasing some of her energy,
and was pleased to note that Tara appeared to get calmer by the
second. When she felt the girl had relaxed enough, Willow pulled away
from the embrace, and was now once again cupping Tara's cheeks.
"Tara?" she asked softly. "What is it? What were you thinking?" She
smiled invitingly at her girlfriend as she awaited her response.
Tara thought for a moment before answering. She could see the
concern and affection in Willow's gaze, and it warmed her heart. It
was obvious the girl cared for her – even if she wasn't necessarily in
love with her. She was so lucky to have someone like Willow in her
life; she deserved to be told the truth. Taking a deep breath, Tara
revealed her innermost thoughts to her beloved Willow.
"Love," she whispered shyly – a blush creeping into her cheeks.
"Love?" Willow asked gently, her emotions surging. Why was Tara
thinking about love – was she thinking about her? That thought made
her heart race; she still found it hard to believe that Tara was
actually in love with her.
"Mmm," Tara continued – her blush deepening. She took another
breath as she gazed deeper into Willow's eyes. "I w…was thinking
about . . . about how m…much I . . . I love you . . ."
"Oh," Willow whispered – tears welling up in her eyes.
Tara's heartfelt honesty had amazed her. For someone so painfully
shy - the girl sure was surprisingly open about how she felt, and it
totally threw her off balance. It made Willow wish like crazy she
could say the words back; that she could just as openly admit to Tara
how she felt. The other week, she'd had to literally restrain herself
from saying those words to Tara. She'd been scared of rejection; but
now, that excuse didn't hold anymore – Tara loved her and would
therefore never reject her love. So why was she still scared – why
was she still holding back? Why couldn't she tell Tara she was in love
with her?
Willow was definitely still scared of something, but it was not of
rejection; it had everything to do with how she'd left things with Oz.
She didn't realise this though – all Willow knew, was that she had
fallen in love with Tara; that she wanted to admit the truth to her
girlfriend, but that something was stopping her from being free to do
so. This inner turmoil was wreaking havoc within Willow, and as she
continued to gaze into Tara's eyes, she had no idea what to say or do.
"Tara," she began – her tears choking her words. "I . . . I . . ."
Tara looked at her girlfriend adoringly, and took in her sudden
distress. She could tell Willow was trying to say something; that she
was feeling torn inside. As she pondered the situation, Tara began to
realise what was troubling Willow. Only her Willow would feel guilty
for not being able to return words of love. She knew full well that
Willow was not in love with her – that she still had feelings for her ex
boyfriend; and all that was okay with her. Willow's guilt and turmoil
however - were not okay with her. Tara didn't want Willow to feel
obligated to her; to feel as if she were a bad person for not feeling
the same way she did.
Lifting her own hands up, she copied Willow and cupped the girl's face.
"Willow," she said gently – using her thumbs to wipe at her tears. "It's
okay."
Willow brought her forehead down to Tara's, so that their breath was
once again intermingling. "What's okay?" she asked – her own thumbs
circling around Tara's cheeks.
"I understand," Tara continued, moving her lips over Willow's as she
spoke.
"What do you mean?" Willow replied. She was becoming confused by
the girl's words, but couldn't help being calmed by her touch - by the
brushing of their lips as they spoke.
"I . . . I l…love you Willow . . . " she began, kissing her softly. " . . . and
I kn…know you don't f…feel the same . . ."
"Tara," Willow interrupted. She didn't want Tara to feel as if she
didn't love her . . . but how could she let her know if she couldn't say
the words? "I . . ."
"Willow," Tara insisted. "It's okay." She moved her lips gently against
Willow's as she tried to reassure her. "I . . . I don't mind – really."
Willow felt even guiltier at her girlfriend's words – the girl was
incredible. Tara was the most loving; selfless; beautiful, person she'd
ever met. How could the girl not mind? Tara had opened herself up
completely – revealed her love for her, and yet was okay with the
notion she didn't feel the same way. What got to Willow the most;
was the fact that she actually did feel the same way; she just couldn't
admit it. How could she hold back from Tara like this? She was the
worst person alive . . .
Willow briefly suckled at Tara's bottom lip before speaking. "It's not
what you think baby," she said softly – releasing her lip. "I . . . I don't
know how to say . . . It's just . . . I feel as if . . . it's like . . . I . . . I'm
being held back . . . I just . . . I just can't . . . I'm not ready . . ."
Tara made a point of brushing her lower lip against Willow's as she
soothed her. The girl's words actually made perfect sense to her. Of
course Willow was being held back – how could she not be? She'd been
deeply in love with her ex-boyfriend, and she obviously didn't feel free
to give her heart to any one else yet. She must've loved Oz a great
deal, and that's not something you get over easily. Tara understood
that completely, and she didn't want to compete with him. All she
wanted was to be here for Willow; to love her; to take care of her,
and to make sure she was happy.
"I know that sweetie," Tara interjected – kissing her again. "I know
what's holding you b…back . . . and it's okay."
As her tears returned, Willow closed her eyes - trying her best to
keep them at bay. Tara knew? How could Tara know, when she didn't
even know what was holding her back?
"What do you know?" Willow asked after a moment – letting herself be
comforted by the sensation of Tara's lips.
"You were in love," Tara whispered with a gentle kiss. "You had your
heart broken," she continued. "It's not something you just get over.
It . . . it takes time, and . . . and you're just not r…ready to let go of
him yet."
Was Tara right; was she still not over Oz? Is that why she was
holding back – she still loved her ex boyfriend? Somehow, that notion
didn't really sit well with her. It didn't make sense – how could she
still love him, when she was now in love with Tara? There was more to
it than that, she realised; it was more than just residual feelings for
Oz that were holding her back. Sure, she still loved him, but not in
the same way she used to love him. She'd changed so much since he'd
left – and a lot of that had to do with Tara. Tara had brought out a
side to her she hadn't even known existed; in fact, it was as if Tara
had awakened her soul.
What Willow didn't realise however; was that when Oz had left, a part
of her had left with him. She'd allowed that part of her to remain
with him, to belong to him and him alone. That same part of her was
still unwilling to let go of her past; to release what she'd given him,
and take back her own life. She was too scared to give herself
completely to the new life she'd found – to her life with Tara. Only
once she'd finally released her past, could she be free to move on with
her future.
Tara kept her lips still against Willow's for a few seconds before
continuing. "I . . . I understand, and . . . and . . . even if you can
n…never l…love me . . . it's okay . . ."
"How could it be okay?" Willow burst out – a new wave of tears
washing over her.
"Be…because," Tara began – tenderly wiping at her girlfriend's tears.
"Lo…love isn't about being loved back . . . " she explained, ignoring the
blush creeping into her cheeks. She needed to say these words to
Willow, and even though she found it extremely difficult to do so, she
knew the girl needed to hear them.
"It's about how you f…feel about someone; how you w…want to make
them happy . . ." She trailed off, taking a moment to compose herself.
These words were being spoken from somewhere deep within her soul,
and she had to compel herself not to tear up. "How you want to look
after them; make sure they n…never feel alone; or sad; or
uncomfortable . . . "
Taking another deep breath, Tara timidly finished her declaration.
"It's how I f…feel about you . . ." She then pressed her lips tentatively
against Willow's, doing her best to try and infuse some of her love
directly into the girl's lips.
"I will always be here for you Willow," she whispered – pulling away. "I
want you to know that." Tara kissed her again, softer this time.
"Whatever happens, I w…won't mind . . . I can wait . . . as long as you
w…want me to . . ." Tara leaned in for yet another kiss - feelings of
love overwhelming her.
After a minute, Willow pulled away from her girlfriend's lips; she
wanted to look into her eyes instead – to see the emotion behind her
words. What Tara had just said to her had been the most romantic
thing Willow had ever heard; had been the truest, most sincere
declaration of love anyone could ever give. Tara had perfectly
captured the true meaning of what love was all about, and what made
her heart race, was the realisation that she had directed the emotion
entirely at her. No one had ever said they loved her like that – not
even Oz.
"Tara," she began, leaning forward to once again press her forehead to
Tara's; she just had to be touching her girlfriend somehow. "I . . . I . .
. I want you to know I . . . I . . . I . . . "
Much as she tried to get those three words out, they just wouldn't
form themselves on her tongue. Willow was still holding back; feeling
almost as if something was blocking her – like when she tried a spell
she wasn't ready for, and her power was just not strong enough to
complete it. That thought suddenly pleased her - because if this was
like one of those spells; then there was hope for her yet. Every one
of those spells she'd been too weak to do; she'd eventually managed to
master – with a little help from Tara that is.
Maybe, given time, Tara could help her with this too? At that
thought, Willow kissed her girlfriend passionately, pressing their lips
roughly together, as she sought out Tara's tongue with her own. She
kept the kiss going for a few minutes, before eventually pulling away
from it – leaving them both out of breath. She gazed heatedly at
Tara, while she steadied her breathing, doing her best to silently
express her emotions. If she wasn't ready yet to tell Tara she was in
love with her – she could at least tell her how much she cared about
her.
"Tara," she said softly, as her composure returned. "I . . ." yet again,
she pressed her forehead to Tara's. "I care about you," she continued
gently. "You're one of the most important people in my life. You know
that . . . right?"
"I do," Tara replied, smiling at her words.
Of course she knew that – it was one of the few things she was sure
about. Willow was the most caring person she knew, and the fact that
she cared about her was apparent in everything the girl did. What's
more, her reaction after she'd been attacked had spoken volumes to
Tara. The girl had reacted with such heartfelt distress at her pain –
had even called her baby for the first time. It was then that she'd
realised that even though Willow might not be in love with her – she
did at least care about her; cared more for her than anyone else had
ever cared for her . . .
"You do?" Willow asked – just to be sure.
Tara's smiled widened, as she pressed her lips to Willow's. "Of
course," she whispered against her mouth. "I know you c…care about
me . . . I can see it . . ."
Willow's grinned at Tara's words. "You can see it?" she asked.
"I can s…see it in your eyes," Tara began, sampling Willow's bottom lip.
"In the w…way you look at me," she continued, offering up her own.
"In the w…way you act . . . " she moaned as Willow captured her lip.
"You always m…make sure I f…feel comfortable," Tara whispered,
moving her lips against Willow's. "You…you m…make me feel . . . special
. . ."
Willow wrapped her arms around Tara's back as she kissed her
passionately. The girl really had a way with words, Willow realised -
working her tongue into Tara's mouth. It's as if Tara knew the exact
thing to say to make her feel better. Willow's guilt had dissipated as
Tara had let it be known that she knew she was cared for – it made
Willow feel better about not being able to say those three little
words. How had Tara known she felt guilty – that she needed
reassurance? The girl was amazing!
With that thought, Willow pulled away from Tara's lips. "You're
amazing," she burst out, moving her hands back to cup her face.
Tara giggled at her girlfriend's words. "What do you mean?" she asked
- chuckling.
"You always now the exact right thing to say," Willow explained,
grinning widely. "It's like you're psychic or something."
"You've said that before," Tara replied adoringly, dropping her
forehead towards Willow's.
"I know," Willow returned. "Maybe because it's true . . ."
Tara simply chuckled in response, and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.
"Tara," Willow began, as the girl pulled away.
"Mmm?" Tara questioned dreamily.
"You are the best girlfriend ever," Willow stated.
"The best?" Tara asked with a smile.
"The best," Willow confirmed, kissing Tara for emphasis. "Definitely
the best," she whispered – pulling away a minute later.
She then dropped her head back down to Tara's shoulder, and wrapped
her arms around the girl's back. Tara did the same, and they were now
completely entwined in a loving embrace. They held each other for a
long time, letting their emotions take over, as they centred
themselves. After a few minutes though, Willow suddenly realised
something.
"Hey," she burst out excitedly, pulling away from the hug.
Tara lifted her head to look at Willow. "What is it?" she asked,
moving her hands to Willow's face.
"I didn't have that dream last night."
"What dream?" Tara asked in confusion. What was she talking about?
Willow leaned in and briefly kissed her girlfriend's lips. "The dream,"
she began, keeping her lips against Tara's as she spoke, "that I've been
having every night."
"Every night?" Tara asked, brushing her lips over Willow's.
"Every night since you were attacked," Willow explained.
"T…tell me about it sweetie," she asked quietly, pulling away from her
girlfriend's lips. She gazed into her eyes, and smiled warmly.
Willow smiled back, unable to refuse her girlfriend's request. "It's
about you," she began timidly.
"Me?" Tara's heart skipped a beat; did Willow just say she'd been
having dreams – about her?
"Yeah," Willow continued. "It actually starts off kinda nice . . ."
Tara smiled at that. "What am I doing?" she asked.
"Kissing me," Willow replied, leaning forward to do just that. "Mmmm,"
she moaned, pulling away. "But . . . then it kinda gets a little . . . you
know . . . hot . . . and we kinda . . . pull away."
Tara couldn't help but take pleasure in Willow's words; she dreamt
about kissing her; it made her feel all tingly inside. "So there's
smoochies?"
Willow grinned. "Lots of smoochies," she said, pressing yet another
brief kiss to Tara's lips. "Then it gets bad," she continued.
Tara didn't like the sound of that – Why was Willow having bad dreams
about her?
Willow's expression suddenly became more serious. "I leave the
room," she explained. "I stop the smoochies, and I leave . . . and
because I'm too scared to keep going . . . to give in . . . the demon gets
you . . . and it's all my fault."
"What?" Tara asked in surprise. So Willow's dream was actually a
nightmare – about the monster. She couldn't believe the girl was still
plagued by her attack - by her guilt at leaving her alone that night.
The girl had more than made up for leaving her alone – she'd been with
her every night since. Besides, it wasn't Willow's fault she'd been
hurt. Why would Willow think that? Why was it still bothering her?
"It's all my fault," Willow continued. "I was too scared to stay, and no
matter how hard I try to save you – I'm just not strong enough, I can
never get to you in time . . . and there's no one else who can help me . . .
it's all my fault . . ."
Willow was trembling now, as she recalled the sensations of her
nightmare, and Tara's heart simply melted.
"Oh baby," she whispered soothingly, pulling her girlfriend into her
arms. "It's okay," she continued. "It's just a dream . . . only a dream . .
."
Willow pulled away after a minute, meeting Tara's gaze. "You're right,"
she whispered. "It is a dream . . . " She kissed her girlfriend again
before continuing. "But I . . . I didn't have it last night . . . did I?"
"You didn't?" What was Willow implying – what did she mean?
"No," Willow confirmed, smiling warmly. " . . . 'cause last night . . . I
didn't leave . . ."
Tara smiled back. "You never leave sweetie," she pointed out. "You
always stay the night . . ."
Willow realised she needed to explain further. "I mean," she began.
"I didn't pull away . . . with the smoochies . . . I . . . we . . . we moved on
. . . you know?"
Tara felt a warm radiance encircle her as she took in what Willow was
saying. She finally got it; Willow had been scared – she'd been afraid
to heat things up a bit, and now that she had . . .
"Oh," she smiled. "I get it."
Willow smiled back, and drew Tara into another warm hug. She held
her girlfriend close, resting her head on her shoulder. She wasn't
really sure if her dream had stopped for good, or even if she was
interpreting it correctly – all she did know; was that it had stopped,
and that it had happened because of last night. Was it because Tara
had said she was in love with her – or because she'd decided to take
that next step? Whatever the reason, Willow couldn't help feeling
both giddy and satisfied – and she just couldn't wait to finally 'seal the
deal'.
Last night, she'd felt as if she needed a few days to process things, to
get used to this new stage – before she took that final step. Now
however, she didn't think she wanted to wait any more. It was time to
give in; to let Tara make love to her - there was no point in waiting.
She still wanted it to be extra special though – and it would be; she'd
make sure of it. She had a Scooby meeting this morning, and then
luckily – only the one class. She did have study group afterwards
though, but if she wanted to get things ready before Tara returned at
1; she'd have to miss it. Willow had never missed a study group in her
life – but for this she would make an exception; it would be worth it.
"Tara," she said – pulling away.
"Mmm," Tara replied, forcing herself to focus - she'd let herself get
totally lost in the embrace.
"I'm gonna have a shower," Willow explained. "It's almost 9 and I
gotta meet the gang . . . "
"Oh," Tara replied. She'd forgotten all about the time. "I should go
too . . ." she continued. "Class . . ."
Tara trailed off as Willow pulled away. She'd been so involved in their
conversation, she'd almost forgotten about Willow's semi-naked state.
Now however, with a little distance between them, and Willow-breasts
in plain sight; she couldn't help but lose her train of thought.
Standing over the bed, Willow looked down at her girlfriend and
smiled. Tara's gaze had dropped down to her breasts, and she could
see how turned on she was getting. This made Willow feel all giddy; it
showed her that Tara actually was attracted to her. Last night, the
girl had been all shy and nervous about the sexy-touching, and she'd
wondered about what it meant. This morning however, all her doubts
had completely faded – the girl sure was acting very, very sexy . . .
Much as she would love to stay - let Tara touch her . . . she knew she
couldn't. Buffy and Riley needed to be told about what had happened
at Lowell house, and while Xander and Anya could do the job
sufficiently, she'd have a hard time explaining why she hadn't shown up
as well. Besides – Tara also had to get going; she didn't want the girl
to miss a class because of her.
Turning around, Willow quickly scrounged up an outfit, before pulling a
robe around her body. She then turned back towards Tara, and
noticed the girl was still in bed – silently watching her every move.
"Tara?" She questioned – curious as to why she hadn't moved. "Don't
you have class?" She moved to sit down on the bed next to her.
Tara nodded. "Yeah," she replied, smiling shyly. "In about 20
minutes."
It's just that she hadn't been able to take her eyes of Willow. The
girl had been walking around her room practically naked – how was she
to ignore that? The reason she found it so enthralling, was not simply
because of yummy exposure to Willow-breasts; but because it showed
Tara how close they'd become. She'd never in her wildest fantasies
imagined she'd ever get this close to the woman she loved – so close
that the girl felt comfortable enough to walk around with her breasts
exposed.
She hadn't been able to get the thoughts out of her head. Was this
really happening - was Willow really half-naked? Had last night been a
dream – was she still dreaming - imagining a perfect reality where she
and Willow were together intimately? How was it possible that they'd
actually reached this level of intimacy – where she was only one step
away from finally making love to her girlfriend?
"What is it?" Willow asked, grasping Tara's hands.
Tara looked at her girlfriend and smiled. She should at least say
something . . . "It's n…nothing really," she began shyly. "I just . . . I . . .
I still find it h…hard to believe . . ."
"Believe what?"
Tara leaned over and tenderly kissed Willow's lips. "Us," she
whispered as she pulled away. "I n…never thought I would ever . . . I
m…mean, w…what we have . . . it's . . . "
Willow instantly understood where Tara was coming from. "Oh," she
whispered. "I get it."
"You do?"
Of course she got it. Tara had never thought she'd fall in love; that
she'd be in a relationship. Willow knew the girl well enough by now, to
know how insecure she was - how much she doubted herself. All this
must feel so strange and new to her, no wonder she was having a hard
time processing the reality of it. Willow herself was also having
problems facing reality. After Oz had left, she hadn't even thought
of moving on – especially not with a girl.
However, the instant she'd met Tara, she'd recognised their
connection. There had just been something about the girl that spoke
to her – as if she'd known her all her life. That kind of connection
simply couldn't be ignored, and what they had now was so special; so
intense, that it was hard to believe such passion actually existed. No
one had ever made her feel this way before; not Xander; not Oz, no
one but Tara.
She wrapped her arms around Tara and pulled her close. "Yeah," she
whispered against her neck. "It's hard to believe," she continued.
"It's all so special, and new . . . and something I wasn't looking for . . .
but I'm glad I found it."
Tara pulled away so she could look into Willow's eyes. "You're happy?"
she asked.
Willow nodded in response, and pressed her lips to Tara's. She kissed
her girlfriend softly at first, keeping the kiss relatively chaste. After
a few minutes however, she deepened the kiss, so that they were now
heatedly thrusting their tongues into one another's mouths, as their
lips moved roughly together. Before they could become too aroused
however; the girls forced themselves apart.
"Shower," Willow chocked out, slowly moving off the bed.
"Yeah," Tara replied, following Willow's lead.
"Cold shower," Willow smirked, blushing slightly.
Tara giggled. "Mmm hmm," she agreed. "Cold shower."
The girls smiled shyly at each other, both feeling a little embarrassed
by their admissions. All this sexual stuff was still very new to them,
and it would take them both a little while to get used to their new
intimacy.
Once Tara had located her stuff and pulled on a robe, the two
Wiccans quickly made their way over to the shower block. When they
got back, they went through their usual morning routine, before
heading off their separate ways.
***
THE END of part 1; CONTINUED in part2
You can find part 2 here:
http://au.geocities.com/spikeme4now/acceptlove2.txt
Series: S4 Behind The Scenes
Author: spikeme4now4200
Email: spikeme4now4200@yahoo.com.au
URL: http://au.geocities.com/spikeme4now4200/index.html
Copyright: February 09 2003
Spoilers: You'll be spoiled if you haven't seen Season 4. Everything up
to and including the episode "Where The Wild Things Are" is fair game
for spoilerage.
Pairing: Willow/Tara
Category: Missing Scenes / Romance
Rating: R (US)
Rating Disclaimer: Acceptance of Love – that's all this story is about ;-
) It's about love, romance, and the act of making love. The story is not
meant to be of a smutty nature, but it does contain explicit details of
loving sexual activity between two girls; hence the strong rating.
Disclaimer: The story is mine. However, I don't own the Buffyverse
or any of the characters created by Joss Whedon et al . . . You all
know who they are. I don't wish to harm them; I simply want to play
with them a little :-)
Feedback: Yes Please!!!! I live for feedback!!!! It keeps me writing,
and I'll reply to anyone who emails me. ^_^
Distribution: Everywhere and Anywhere, just let me know where.
Summary: This story takes place directly from where I left things in
part 8a - WILD TOUCHING. It shows what happens next between
Willow and Tara in the days after Wild Things and leads up to the
start of New Moon Rising.
Author's Notes: This is in response to the challenge I posted on the
[willowtarafanficstation] mailing list early October 2002. I thought it
would be cool to remember how the Willow/Tara relationship first
started. This is Part 8b in a series of 10 behind-the-scenes stories
that deal with the start of the W/T relationship. The series starts
with the episode "Hush" and ends with the episode "Restless".
Extra Note: I've written this interim story because there's more of
the W/T relationship to be portrayed, before I can appropriately deal
with the events of New Moon Rising. I could've put all this in the one
part, but I felt it deserved it's own title.
STORY NOTE:
The second part of this is NC-17, and since fanfiction.net
guidlines do not allow such ratings, I have to abide by the website's
rules. Therefore I've only posted the first part of my
story. If you are of age, and want to read the story in it's entirety -
Here's the direct link to it:
http://au.geocities.com/spikeme4now/acceptlove2.txt
***
Tara was the first one to wake up that morning, and as she did so, the
events of the previous night washed over her like a warm embrace.
Yesterday, she and Willow had taken the next step – moved their
relationship into a wholly sexual stage. What's more, she'd finally told
Willow that she was in love with her. The girl hadn't said the words
back to her – but Tara hadn't minded; that wasn't why she'd said them
to her girlfriend.
Loving someone wasn't about having them love you back in return;
loving someone was about wanting them to be happy; and making sure
that the object of your affections never felt pain; or unhappiness; or
insecurity, or anything bad. That's why she'd finally worked up the
courage to tell Willow the truth last night; she'd sensed the girl's
insecurity, and seen the look of pain on her face at Lowell house – and
she never wanted to see that look again, or cause her to feel insecure
about herself.
Even though she didn't know if Willow was in love with her - she didn't
need to have the words said back to her. Although, it would've been
nice to hear them – she was happy simply to have the girl accept them.
She wanted Willow to know that her words of love had been said with
sincerity, and to know that she had someone of her own who would
always be there for her – no matter what.
It made Tara happy to realise that Willow had accepted her love, and
that she'd even asked her to physically show her she was loved. Tara
wondered when she'd get the chance to do just that – the chance to
make love to Willow. The girl had said she wanted it to be special –
candlelight dinner . . . music . . . those had been her exact words.
Tara couldn't help smiling adoringly at the notion – Willow was such a
romantic. She was the type of girl who wanted everyone to have a
happy ending. Thinking back to last week, Tara remembered a
conversation they'd had; where Willow had shyly admitted that she
couldn't stand to watch movies that ended badly. When she was a kid,
she'd seen the movie Love Story once, and had cried for over an hour
afterwards. Tara had kissed Willow's forehead softly at the
revelation, and had pulled the girl into a loving embrace. The more she
got to know Willow – the more she fell in love with her.
Glancing up at her clock, Tara noted she still had about an hour before
her first class. Looking back down at her sleeping girlfriend, Tara
suddenly had a very naughty idea – with an hour before class; maybe
she could kill the time with some sexy-touching. She'd been so shy
last night, that she'd barely touched Willow at all – letting her
girlfriend make most of the moves. For some reason, she felt a lot
bolder this morning – maybe it had something to do with Willow being
asleep; or maybe it was because she now knew her touch would not be
rejected . . .? What's more, their legs were currently intertwined
together, and their panties were the only barriers that stood between
them, and complete lower-body nakedness.
Deciding it was finally time to wake up her girlfriend, Tara leaned over
and gently pressed her lips to Willow's. She then opened her lips
slightly, before taking her girlfriend's lower lip into her mouth. She
sucked on it playfully - running her tongue over it; doing her best to
incite a reaction. After about a minute, she heard a moan coming from
deep within her girlfriend's throat, and before she knew what was
happening – she found herself lying flat on her back, with Willow's
body sensuously pressed up against hers. Willow had crushed their
breasts together, and was now moving her lips heatedly against hers -
thrusting Willow-tongue forcefully into Tara-mouth.
As Willow had slowly become aware of her surroundings, she'd noticed
Tara's tongue against her lip, and her mind had instantly sprung into
action. She remembered everything that had transpired yesterday –
especially the bit about Tara being in love with her. Willow's heart
surged with emotion, and she couldn't help deepening the kiss.
Suddenly, she wanted to feel all of Tara against her; to hold the girl
close; to feel as if they were the one person, and to let Tara's love
physically seep into her being. Which is why she pushed her tongue
into Tara's mouth, as she pressed her body against hers, and
manoeuvred the girl onto her back.
The girls quickly began to lose themselves in each other; their lips
moving; tongues thrusting, as they enjoyed the heady sensation of
their passionate good-morning kiss. After a while, Tara started to
unconsciously run her hands sensuously up and down Willow's back, as
her desire continued to mount. Her hand movements began to get
firmer and faster - inevitably causing the material of Willow's shirt to
rise up, until eventually; Tara's hands were moving against Willow's
bare flesh.
As Willow continued her assault on Tara's lips, she gradually began to
realise that Tara-hands were now on naked Willow-back. The sparks
of energy the girl's hand movements were causing, brought Willow's
self-control further and further to the background. She suddenly
wanted more . . . more Tara-hands - everywhere. Pulling away from the
kiss, she sat herself up in Tara's lap, and pulled her own shirt clear off
her body. She then looked down at her girlfriend expectantly –
silently asking for her touch.
Tara moaned as Willow pulled away from their kiss, but on noticing the
girl's sudden lack of clothing, her moan of disappointment, turned into
one of sheer arousal. Willow was now kneeling on the bed, straddling
her hips as she waited for her to make a move. Tara could see the
question in her girlfriend's eye; could see Willow's silent plea for Tara-
hands . . . How was she to refuse – especially when the girl's nipples
were practically screaming for attention?
Moving up into a sitting position, Tara carefully repositioned Willow, so
that the girl was now sitting in between her legs, with her thighs
wrapped around Tara's hips, and her legs crossed behind her back.
She didn't know what possessed her to be so bold, but the love and
desire coursing through her body at that moment was just too intense
to ignore. Leaning forward, she returned her hands to Willow's back,
and did something she hadn't had enough courage to do yesterday –
take Willow's nipple into her mouth.
Willow closed her eyes, and arched her back as she felt the moist
heat of Tara's mouth covering her right nipple. She'd only been
expecting the sensation of Tara's hands; her fingers – but this was so
much better. Willow couldn't believe how daring her girlfriend was
being this morning – it's as if the girl was trying her best to make up
for all of last night's shyness. Where was the girl, who last night, had
actually trembled with fear and anticipation over such a simple task as
removing her bra? As the girl continued to suckle at her nipple,
Willow suddenly didn't care why Shy-Tara was gone; she was just glad
to have Bold-Tara working her magick.
Tara was also a little surprised by her own actions. She couldn't
believe how utterly sexual she was behaving – wrapping her girlfriend's
legs around her hips; passionately caressing her naked back, and
wantonly sucking the girl's nipple into her mouth. What's more, the
arousal coursing through her body was now so intense, that she was
actually trembling with sensation. As she continued her ministrations,
Tara began to realise the effect her behaviour was having on Willow.
The harder she sucked on the girl's nipple; running her tongue over it
every now and then – the louder the girl's moans became, and the more
she too started to tremble in her arms.
Willow's head was now thrown completely back, as she arched her
breast into Tara's mouth. Her Tara – her innocent, shy Tara . . .
WOW! The girl had some mouth; the way she was sucking at her
nipple was pure torture – in an exquisite way of course. Willow was
still finding it difficult to comprehend that Tara was being so sensual .
. . so erotic. She'd known the girl had an intense hidden sexuality, but
she hadn't realised how powerful it could be when it was directed at
her. Although, why did Tara insist on sucking only her right nipple –
her left nipple needed some attention too? In fact, if it didn't get
some soon, she'd probably scream the whole dorm down in frustration.
"Oh god –Tara!" Willow burst out, digging her fingers into her
girlfriend's back. "I . . . I don't think . . . oh . . . no more . . ." She was
finally reaching the edge of her self-control, and if Tara didn't either;
pull away, or pay some attention to her other nipple, she most
definitely wouldn't be held accountable for her actions.
Hearing Willow's outburst, Tara chose to pull away - becoming
instantly mortified by her actions. What had she been doing? Had
she made Willow uncomfortable – done something wrong? She'd never
had a girl's nipple in her mouth before; never had Willow's nipple in her
mouth, and she'd just given herself completely over to the sensation.
The very fact that it was Willow's nipple she'd been tasting; had made
the experience even more intense and powerful. She loved Willow –
and to actually get to taste a part of her . . . well, it had shaken Tara's
emotions to her core.
This morning, she'd woken up feeling strangely free and very sensual.
She knew it had everything to do with last night – but that still didn't
excuse what she'd just been doing. What if Willow had suddenly
realised she'd made a mistake; that she didn't want this after all? A
lot can change when someone has time to sleep on an idea; they could
feel totally different than the night before. She was proof positive
of that fact; last night she'd found it extremely difficult to initiate
any sexy-touching – whereas this morning; she'd practically ravished
her girlfriend.
"I'm . . . I'm s…so s…sorry," she said – letting go of Willow's nipple. "I .
. . I didn't mean . . ."
Her face was now a very deep reddish-purpley colour, as she removed
her hands from Willow's back, and attempted to pull away from her.
The girl's thighs around her hips prevented her from moving too far
away though, and she was forced to simply rest her hands on the bed;
doing her best to keep her tears at bay, while she gazed apologetically
at her girlfriend.
"Hey," Willow said softly, lifting her hands up to Tara's cheeks. She
could see how distressed Tara had become, and knew instantly what
was behind the girl's reaction. "It's okay," she continued – using her
thumbs to brush away her tears. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I d…didn't?" Tara whispered, becoming increasingly relaxed by her
girlfriend's touch.
"No - Of course not," Willow returned. She smiled lovingly at her
girlfriend, before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. "How could
you do anything wrong?" she asked as she pulled away.
"You mean . . .?" Did Willow mean she hadn't minded her touch . . . that
she hadn't changed her mind . . .?
"Tara," Willow continued gently – resuming her caress of the girl's
cheekbones. "It was just . . . too much . . . I mean . . . not enough . . ."
"Not enough?" Tara was confused – If her touch had been too much;
how was it not enough as well . . .?
Willow blushed; leaning her face closer to her girlfriend's; letting
their foreheads rest together, and their breath intermingle. "Not
enough . . ." she whispered against Tara's lips. " . . . the other one . . .
lonely . . . You know . . .?"
"Oh," Tara whispered back – her lips tingling as they brushed against
her girlfriend's. She finally realised what Willow was talking about – in
her total enjoyment of Willow's nipple, she'd forgotten to pay the
same attention to her other breast. How could she have been so
selfish?
Tara had never done any of this before; making love was so knew, that
she'd forgotten about everything else the instant she'd tasted her
girlfriend's nipple. Although, in all fairness; Willow-nipple in Tara-
mouth was beyond being just sexy; it was downright soulful. When you
love someone as much as she loved Willow, you have a completely
idealistic view of your relationship. Consequently, every knew step
towards sexual intimacy was like a giant milestone for Tara, and left
her feeling more spellbound; and more intoxicated, than she'd ever
felt before.
Whereas Willow was a closeted romantic – Tara on the other hand was
a totally hopeless romantic. In a way, Tara held Willow up on a
pedestal; Willow was the untouchable Goddess; a manifestation of love
- a higher being; like Aphrodite in all of her beautiful splendour.
Willow represented love; perfection, and everything that was good and
pure in Tara's life; that's why she'd been so afraid to touch her last
night. How could she corrupt something so wondrous with her touch?
She had no right to touch Willow that way; Willow was her goddess;
her angel, her everything . . .
However, Tara wasn't totally blind-sighted by her puristic notions.
She knew that Willow was also a flesh-and-blood person; a sexual
creature who not only wanted to touch, but wanted to be touched as
well. Tara's problem lay in finding a balance; a way of keeping her
idealistic view of their relationship intact, while still allowing herself
to succumb to the sexual side of it.
It's just that sometimes; moments like this morning – the two sides
collided so intensely, that Tara didn't know which side she was giving in
to. Sucking Willow's nipple into her mouth had been both a sexual act,
as well as one of pure worship. What's more, merging the two
together had caused her to become so entranced; she'd lost all sense
of self and reality. So much so, that she'd forgotten all about what
Willow might need; that she had two nipples that needed attention;
and had concentrated only on her own selfish devotion.
How could she have been so self-centred? Closing her eyes, Tara let
the guilt wash over her like a cold shower. Her love for Willow was
magickal; sexual; spiritual, and it consumed her totally. Lifting her
hands from the bed, she returned them to her girlfriend's back, and
moved her head down to Willow's shoulder. She held the girl tightly,
as she did her best to calm her emotions.
Willow had noticed the play of emotions on Tara's face as she
caressed her cheeks. She could see how distressed she was, and how
busy her mind appeared. What was the girl thinking – feeling? When
Tara had pulled her into a warm embrace, Willow had willingly followed
her girlfriend's lead – and now had her own arms wrapped around
Tara's back. Unconsciously, she began releasing some of her energy,
and was pleased to note that Tara appeared to get calmer by the
second. When she felt the girl had relaxed enough, Willow pulled away
from the embrace, and was now once again cupping Tara's cheeks.
"Tara?" she asked softly. "What is it? What were you thinking?" She
smiled invitingly at her girlfriend as she awaited her response.
Tara thought for a moment before answering. She could see the
concern and affection in Willow's gaze, and it warmed her heart. It
was obvious the girl cared for her – even if she wasn't necessarily in
love with her. She was so lucky to have someone like Willow in her
life; she deserved to be told the truth. Taking a deep breath, Tara
revealed her innermost thoughts to her beloved Willow.
"Love," she whispered shyly – a blush creeping into her cheeks.
"Love?" Willow asked gently, her emotions surging. Why was Tara
thinking about love – was she thinking about her? That thought made
her heart race; she still found it hard to believe that Tara was
actually in love with her.
"Mmm," Tara continued – her blush deepening. She took another
breath as she gazed deeper into Willow's eyes. "I w…was thinking
about . . . about how m…much I . . . I love you . . ."
"Oh," Willow whispered – tears welling up in her eyes.
Tara's heartfelt honesty had amazed her. For someone so painfully
shy - the girl sure was surprisingly open about how she felt, and it
totally threw her off balance. It made Willow wish like crazy she
could say the words back; that she could just as openly admit to Tara
how she felt. The other week, she'd had to literally restrain herself
from saying those words to Tara. She'd been scared of rejection; but
now, that excuse didn't hold anymore – Tara loved her and would
therefore never reject her love. So why was she still scared – why
was she still holding back? Why couldn't she tell Tara she was in love
with her?
Willow was definitely still scared of something, but it was not of
rejection; it had everything to do with how she'd left things with Oz.
She didn't realise this though – all Willow knew, was that she had
fallen in love with Tara; that she wanted to admit the truth to her
girlfriend, but that something was stopping her from being free to do
so. This inner turmoil was wreaking havoc within Willow, and as she
continued to gaze into Tara's eyes, she had no idea what to say or do.
"Tara," she began – her tears choking her words. "I . . . I . . ."
Tara looked at her girlfriend adoringly, and took in her sudden
distress. She could tell Willow was trying to say something; that she
was feeling torn inside. As she pondered the situation, Tara began to
realise what was troubling Willow. Only her Willow would feel guilty
for not being able to return words of love. She knew full well that
Willow was not in love with her – that she still had feelings for her ex
boyfriend; and all that was okay with her. Willow's guilt and turmoil
however - were not okay with her. Tara didn't want Willow to feel
obligated to her; to feel as if she were a bad person for not feeling
the same way she did.
Lifting her own hands up, she copied Willow and cupped the girl's face.
"Willow," she said gently – using her thumbs to wipe at her tears. "It's
okay."
Willow brought her forehead down to Tara's, so that their breath was
once again intermingling. "What's okay?" she asked – her own thumbs
circling around Tara's cheeks.
"I understand," Tara continued, moving her lips over Willow's as she
spoke.
"What do you mean?" Willow replied. She was becoming confused by
the girl's words, but couldn't help being calmed by her touch - by the
brushing of their lips as they spoke.
"I . . . I l…love you Willow . . . " she began, kissing her softly. " . . . and
I kn…know you don't f…feel the same . . ."
"Tara," Willow interrupted. She didn't want Tara to feel as if she
didn't love her . . . but how could she let her know if she couldn't say
the words? "I . . ."
"Willow," Tara insisted. "It's okay." She moved her lips gently against
Willow's as she tried to reassure her. "I . . . I don't mind – really."
Willow felt even guiltier at her girlfriend's words – the girl was
incredible. Tara was the most loving; selfless; beautiful, person she'd
ever met. How could the girl not mind? Tara had opened herself up
completely – revealed her love for her, and yet was okay with the
notion she didn't feel the same way. What got to Willow the most;
was the fact that she actually did feel the same way; she just couldn't
admit it. How could she hold back from Tara like this? She was the
worst person alive . . .
Willow briefly suckled at Tara's bottom lip before speaking. "It's not
what you think baby," she said softly – releasing her lip. "I . . . I don't
know how to say . . . It's just . . . I feel as if . . . it's like . . . I . . . I'm
being held back . . . I just . . . I just can't . . . I'm not ready . . ."
Tara made a point of brushing her lower lip against Willow's as she
soothed her. The girl's words actually made perfect sense to her. Of
course Willow was being held back – how could she not be? She'd been
deeply in love with her ex-boyfriend, and she obviously didn't feel free
to give her heart to any one else yet. She must've loved Oz a great
deal, and that's not something you get over easily. Tara understood
that completely, and she didn't want to compete with him. All she
wanted was to be here for Willow; to love her; to take care of her,
and to make sure she was happy.
"I know that sweetie," Tara interjected – kissing her again. "I know
what's holding you b…back . . . and it's okay."
As her tears returned, Willow closed her eyes - trying her best to
keep them at bay. Tara knew? How could Tara know, when she didn't
even know what was holding her back?
"What do you know?" Willow asked after a moment – letting herself be
comforted by the sensation of Tara's lips.
"You were in love," Tara whispered with a gentle kiss. "You had your
heart broken," she continued. "It's not something you just get over.
It . . . it takes time, and . . . and you're just not r…ready to let go of
him yet."
Was Tara right; was she still not over Oz? Is that why she was
holding back – she still loved her ex boyfriend? Somehow, that notion
didn't really sit well with her. It didn't make sense – how could she
still love him, when she was now in love with Tara? There was more to
it than that, she realised; it was more than just residual feelings for
Oz that were holding her back. Sure, she still loved him, but not in
the same way she used to love him. She'd changed so much since he'd
left – and a lot of that had to do with Tara. Tara had brought out a
side to her she hadn't even known existed; in fact, it was as if Tara
had awakened her soul.
What Willow didn't realise however; was that when Oz had left, a part
of her had left with him. She'd allowed that part of her to remain
with him, to belong to him and him alone. That same part of her was
still unwilling to let go of her past; to release what she'd given him,
and take back her own life. She was too scared to give herself
completely to the new life she'd found – to her life with Tara. Only
once she'd finally released her past, could she be free to move on with
her future.
Tara kept her lips still against Willow's for a few seconds before
continuing. "I . . . I understand, and . . . and . . . even if you can
n…never l…love me . . . it's okay . . ."
"How could it be okay?" Willow burst out – a new wave of tears
washing over her.
"Be…because," Tara began – tenderly wiping at her girlfriend's tears.
"Lo…love isn't about being loved back . . . " she explained, ignoring the
blush creeping into her cheeks. She needed to say these words to
Willow, and even though she found it extremely difficult to do so, she
knew the girl needed to hear them.
"It's about how you f…feel about someone; how you w…want to make
them happy . . ." She trailed off, taking a moment to compose herself.
These words were being spoken from somewhere deep within her soul,
and she had to compel herself not to tear up. "How you want to look
after them; make sure they n…never feel alone; or sad; or
uncomfortable . . . "
Taking another deep breath, Tara timidly finished her declaration.
"It's how I f…feel about you . . ." She then pressed her lips tentatively
against Willow's, doing her best to try and infuse some of her love
directly into the girl's lips.
"I will always be here for you Willow," she whispered – pulling away. "I
want you to know that." Tara kissed her again, softer this time.
"Whatever happens, I w…won't mind . . . I can wait . . . as long as you
w…want me to . . ." Tara leaned in for yet another kiss - feelings of
love overwhelming her.
After a minute, Willow pulled away from her girlfriend's lips; she
wanted to look into her eyes instead – to see the emotion behind her
words. What Tara had just said to her had been the most romantic
thing Willow had ever heard; had been the truest, most sincere
declaration of love anyone could ever give. Tara had perfectly
captured the true meaning of what love was all about, and what made
her heart race, was the realisation that she had directed the emotion
entirely at her. No one had ever said they loved her like that – not
even Oz.
"Tara," she began, leaning forward to once again press her forehead to
Tara's; she just had to be touching her girlfriend somehow. "I . . . I . .
. I want you to know I . . . I . . . I . . . "
Much as she tried to get those three words out, they just wouldn't
form themselves on her tongue. Willow was still holding back; feeling
almost as if something was blocking her – like when she tried a spell
she wasn't ready for, and her power was just not strong enough to
complete it. That thought suddenly pleased her - because if this was
like one of those spells; then there was hope for her yet. Every one
of those spells she'd been too weak to do; she'd eventually managed to
master – with a little help from Tara that is.
Maybe, given time, Tara could help her with this too? At that
thought, Willow kissed her girlfriend passionately, pressing their lips
roughly together, as she sought out Tara's tongue with her own. She
kept the kiss going for a few minutes, before eventually pulling away
from it – leaving them both out of breath. She gazed heatedly at
Tara, while she steadied her breathing, doing her best to silently
express her emotions. If she wasn't ready yet to tell Tara she was in
love with her – she could at least tell her how much she cared about
her.
"Tara," she said softly, as her composure returned. "I . . ." yet again,
she pressed her forehead to Tara's. "I care about you," she continued
gently. "You're one of the most important people in my life. You know
that . . . right?"
"I do," Tara replied, smiling at her words.
Of course she knew that – it was one of the few things she was sure
about. Willow was the most caring person she knew, and the fact that
she cared about her was apparent in everything the girl did. What's
more, her reaction after she'd been attacked had spoken volumes to
Tara. The girl had reacted with such heartfelt distress at her pain –
had even called her baby for the first time. It was then that she'd
realised that even though Willow might not be in love with her – she
did at least care about her; cared more for her than anyone else had
ever cared for her . . .
"You do?" Willow asked – just to be sure.
Tara's smiled widened, as she pressed her lips to Willow's. "Of
course," she whispered against her mouth. "I know you c…care about
me . . . I can see it . . ."
Willow's grinned at Tara's words. "You can see it?" she asked.
"I can s…see it in your eyes," Tara began, sampling Willow's bottom lip.
"In the w…way you look at me," she continued, offering up her own.
"In the w…way you act . . . " she moaned as Willow captured her lip.
"You always m…make sure I f…feel comfortable," Tara whispered,
moving her lips against Willow's. "You…you m…make me feel . . . special
. . ."
Willow wrapped her arms around Tara's back as she kissed her
passionately. The girl really had a way with words, Willow realised -
working her tongue into Tara's mouth. It's as if Tara knew the exact
thing to say to make her feel better. Willow's guilt had dissipated as
Tara had let it be known that she knew she was cared for – it made
Willow feel better about not being able to say those three little
words. How had Tara known she felt guilty – that she needed
reassurance? The girl was amazing!
With that thought, Willow pulled away from Tara's lips. "You're
amazing," she burst out, moving her hands back to cup her face.
Tara giggled at her girlfriend's words. "What do you mean?" she asked
- chuckling.
"You always now the exact right thing to say," Willow explained,
grinning widely. "It's like you're psychic or something."
"You've said that before," Tara replied adoringly, dropping her
forehead towards Willow's.
"I know," Willow returned. "Maybe because it's true . . ."
Tara simply chuckled in response, and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.
"Tara," Willow began, as the girl pulled away.
"Mmm?" Tara questioned dreamily.
"You are the best girlfriend ever," Willow stated.
"The best?" Tara asked with a smile.
"The best," Willow confirmed, kissing Tara for emphasis. "Definitely
the best," she whispered – pulling away a minute later.
She then dropped her head back down to Tara's shoulder, and wrapped
her arms around the girl's back. Tara did the same, and they were now
completely entwined in a loving embrace. They held each other for a
long time, letting their emotions take over, as they centred
themselves. After a few minutes though, Willow suddenly realised
something.
"Hey," she burst out excitedly, pulling away from the hug.
Tara lifted her head to look at Willow. "What is it?" she asked,
moving her hands to Willow's face.
"I didn't have that dream last night."
"What dream?" Tara asked in confusion. What was she talking about?
Willow leaned in and briefly kissed her girlfriend's lips. "The dream,"
she began, keeping her lips against Tara's as she spoke, "that I've been
having every night."
"Every night?" Tara asked, brushing her lips over Willow's.
"Every night since you were attacked," Willow explained.
"T…tell me about it sweetie," she asked quietly, pulling away from her
girlfriend's lips. She gazed into her eyes, and smiled warmly.
Willow smiled back, unable to refuse her girlfriend's request. "It's
about you," she began timidly.
"Me?" Tara's heart skipped a beat; did Willow just say she'd been
having dreams – about her?
"Yeah," Willow continued. "It actually starts off kinda nice . . ."
Tara smiled at that. "What am I doing?" she asked.
"Kissing me," Willow replied, leaning forward to do just that. "Mmmm,"
she moaned, pulling away. "But . . . then it kinda gets a little . . . you
know . . . hot . . . and we kinda . . . pull away."
Tara couldn't help but take pleasure in Willow's words; she dreamt
about kissing her; it made her feel all tingly inside. "So there's
smoochies?"
Willow grinned. "Lots of smoochies," she said, pressing yet another
brief kiss to Tara's lips. "Then it gets bad," she continued.
Tara didn't like the sound of that – Why was Willow having bad dreams
about her?
Willow's expression suddenly became more serious. "I leave the
room," she explained. "I stop the smoochies, and I leave . . . and
because I'm too scared to keep going . . . to give in . . . the demon gets
you . . . and it's all my fault."
"What?" Tara asked in surprise. So Willow's dream was actually a
nightmare – about the monster. She couldn't believe the girl was still
plagued by her attack - by her guilt at leaving her alone that night.
The girl had more than made up for leaving her alone – she'd been with
her every night since. Besides, it wasn't Willow's fault she'd been
hurt. Why would Willow think that? Why was it still bothering her?
"It's all my fault," Willow continued. "I was too scared to stay, and no
matter how hard I try to save you – I'm just not strong enough, I can
never get to you in time . . . and there's no one else who can help me . . .
it's all my fault . . ."
Willow was trembling now, as she recalled the sensations of her
nightmare, and Tara's heart simply melted.
"Oh baby," she whispered soothingly, pulling her girlfriend into her
arms. "It's okay," she continued. "It's just a dream . . . only a dream . .
."
Willow pulled away after a minute, meeting Tara's gaze. "You're right,"
she whispered. "It is a dream . . . " She kissed her girlfriend again
before continuing. "But I . . . I didn't have it last night . . . did I?"
"You didn't?" What was Willow implying – what did she mean?
"No," Willow confirmed, smiling warmly. " . . . 'cause last night . . . I
didn't leave . . ."
Tara smiled back. "You never leave sweetie," she pointed out. "You
always stay the night . . ."
Willow realised she needed to explain further. "I mean," she began.
"I didn't pull away . . . with the smoochies . . . I . . . we . . . we moved on
. . . you know?"
Tara felt a warm radiance encircle her as she took in what Willow was
saying. She finally got it; Willow had been scared – she'd been afraid
to heat things up a bit, and now that she had . . .
"Oh," she smiled. "I get it."
Willow smiled back, and drew Tara into another warm hug. She held
her girlfriend close, resting her head on her shoulder. She wasn't
really sure if her dream had stopped for good, or even if she was
interpreting it correctly – all she did know; was that it had stopped,
and that it had happened because of last night. Was it because Tara
had said she was in love with her – or because she'd decided to take
that next step? Whatever the reason, Willow couldn't help feeling
both giddy and satisfied – and she just couldn't wait to finally 'seal the
deal'.
Last night, she'd felt as if she needed a few days to process things, to
get used to this new stage – before she took that final step. Now
however, she didn't think she wanted to wait any more. It was time to
give in; to let Tara make love to her - there was no point in waiting.
She still wanted it to be extra special though – and it would be; she'd
make sure of it. She had a Scooby meeting this morning, and then
luckily – only the one class. She did have study group afterwards
though, but if she wanted to get things ready before Tara returned at
1; she'd have to miss it. Willow had never missed a study group in her
life – but for this she would make an exception; it would be worth it.
"Tara," she said – pulling away.
"Mmm," Tara replied, forcing herself to focus - she'd let herself get
totally lost in the embrace.
"I'm gonna have a shower," Willow explained. "It's almost 9 and I
gotta meet the gang . . . "
"Oh," Tara replied. She'd forgotten all about the time. "I should go
too . . ." she continued. "Class . . ."
Tara trailed off as Willow pulled away. She'd been so involved in their
conversation, she'd almost forgotten about Willow's semi-naked state.
Now however, with a little distance between them, and Willow-breasts
in plain sight; she couldn't help but lose her train of thought.
Standing over the bed, Willow looked down at her girlfriend and
smiled. Tara's gaze had dropped down to her breasts, and she could
see how turned on she was getting. This made Willow feel all giddy; it
showed her that Tara actually was attracted to her. Last night, the
girl had been all shy and nervous about the sexy-touching, and she'd
wondered about what it meant. This morning however, all her doubts
had completely faded – the girl sure was acting very, very sexy . . .
Much as she would love to stay - let Tara touch her . . . she knew she
couldn't. Buffy and Riley needed to be told about what had happened
at Lowell house, and while Xander and Anya could do the job
sufficiently, she'd have a hard time explaining why she hadn't shown up
as well. Besides – Tara also had to get going; she didn't want the girl
to miss a class because of her.
Turning around, Willow quickly scrounged up an outfit, before pulling a
robe around her body. She then turned back towards Tara, and
noticed the girl was still in bed – silently watching her every move.
"Tara?" She questioned – curious as to why she hadn't moved. "Don't
you have class?" She moved to sit down on the bed next to her.
Tara nodded. "Yeah," she replied, smiling shyly. "In about 20
minutes."
It's just that she hadn't been able to take her eyes of Willow. The
girl had been walking around her room practically naked – how was she
to ignore that? The reason she found it so enthralling, was not simply
because of yummy exposure to Willow-breasts; but because it showed
Tara how close they'd become. She'd never in her wildest fantasies
imagined she'd ever get this close to the woman she loved – so close
that the girl felt comfortable enough to walk around with her breasts
exposed.
She hadn't been able to get the thoughts out of her head. Was this
really happening - was Willow really half-naked? Had last night been a
dream – was she still dreaming - imagining a perfect reality where she
and Willow were together intimately? How was it possible that they'd
actually reached this level of intimacy – where she was only one step
away from finally making love to her girlfriend?
"What is it?" Willow asked, grasping Tara's hands.
Tara looked at her girlfriend and smiled. She should at least say
something . . . "It's n…nothing really," she began shyly. "I just . . . I . . .
I still find it h…hard to believe . . ."
"Believe what?"
Tara leaned over and tenderly kissed Willow's lips. "Us," she
whispered as she pulled away. "I n…never thought I would ever . . . I
m…mean, w…what we have . . . it's . . . "
Willow instantly understood where Tara was coming from. "Oh," she
whispered. "I get it."
"You do?"
Of course she got it. Tara had never thought she'd fall in love; that
she'd be in a relationship. Willow knew the girl well enough by now, to
know how insecure she was - how much she doubted herself. All this
must feel so strange and new to her, no wonder she was having a hard
time processing the reality of it. Willow herself was also having
problems facing reality. After Oz had left, she hadn't even thought
of moving on – especially not with a girl.
However, the instant she'd met Tara, she'd recognised their
connection. There had just been something about the girl that spoke
to her – as if she'd known her all her life. That kind of connection
simply couldn't be ignored, and what they had now was so special; so
intense, that it was hard to believe such passion actually existed. No
one had ever made her feel this way before; not Xander; not Oz, no
one but Tara.
She wrapped her arms around Tara and pulled her close. "Yeah," she
whispered against her neck. "It's hard to believe," she continued.
"It's all so special, and new . . . and something I wasn't looking for . . .
but I'm glad I found it."
Tara pulled away so she could look into Willow's eyes. "You're happy?"
she asked.
Willow nodded in response, and pressed her lips to Tara's. She kissed
her girlfriend softly at first, keeping the kiss relatively chaste. After
a few minutes however, she deepened the kiss, so that they were now
heatedly thrusting their tongues into one another's mouths, as their
lips moved roughly together. Before they could become too aroused
however; the girls forced themselves apart.
"Shower," Willow chocked out, slowly moving off the bed.
"Yeah," Tara replied, following Willow's lead.
"Cold shower," Willow smirked, blushing slightly.
Tara giggled. "Mmm hmm," she agreed. "Cold shower."
The girls smiled shyly at each other, both feeling a little embarrassed
by their admissions. All this sexual stuff was still very new to them,
and it would take them both a little while to get used to their new
intimacy.
Once Tara had located her stuff and pulled on a robe, the two
Wiccans quickly made their way over to the shower block. When they
got back, they went through their usual morning routine, before
heading off their separate ways.
***
THE END of part 1; CONTINUED in part2
You can find part 2 here:
http://au.geocities.com/spikeme4now/acceptlove2.txt