It's all come down to this

by Ice11

A letter of sorts from one to another

It All Comes Down to this….

I'm writing this cause. I'm not sure that what I have to say.

I can say to your face without breaking my own heart.

I know it seems selfish to do it this way. But I know there can be no other way

Even now as I write , I can feel the tears coming on.

You have to believe that this is hurting me way more.

Than I know it's hurting you. Yeah I know I always played the part of not caring.

Always saying you have to be able to feel before your feelings can be hurt.

Whenever you thought you had hurt me. I'd always blow it off telling you it wasn't a big deal.

But that wasn't true and I should admit. That I could feel & I did care.

But that's something I have never been able to do.

Maybe cause every time I let someone get close enough.

Somebody I thought I could trust. They would always hurt me in the end.

That's also probably the reason I became the way I had.

Doing my own thing , Running the show my way.

That way I knew I could never be hurt again.

But little did I know I was wrong.

Because I met you and knew from the first time.

I was in trouble not only were you the most gorgeous person I saw.

You were also one of the nicest people always worried and concerned with others thought.

I could never figured that out why you felt that way.

Especially since I never gave a shit what others thought.

But still you gave me the chance tried to show that there.

Were people who could care and show love of friendship.

Without wanting anything in return.

The smile you gave and the look in you eyes.

Is what made me decide to give this lifestyle a chance.

I thought well can't really say thought it was more of a feeling.

That if I let this chance slip by, then I would regret it till the day I died.

So I gave in but still kept my guard up.

I knew somehow or some way it would get screwed up.

The more time I spent with you the more I let my guard down.

Which is how you were able to slip in to where I never let anyone before.

I began to care and then slowly learn to trust.

I knew I was getting into deep but still I couldn't walk away.

I had thought about it plenty of times.

But when I did I would fill the emptiness and cold again.

That's what I didn't want to happen so I fought with my inner demons.

Sometimes they came close to winning telling me.

I didn't need to feel wanted or cared for.

Why should I because I didn't deserve it and if anybody.

Could give a shit about me I would just screw it up like.

I have always done before and if I didn't.

Then whoever pretended to care would find somebody else.

After they found out the piece of useless trash I was.

Then throw me out cause they wouldn't be able to deal.

With the issues I had but even with these thoughts going through me.

I still had that feeling that I needed to try.

Which I did and the more we hung out.

The more I cared there wasn't a day.

I didn't think of what you were doing or when the next time.

Would be when I could see you again.

It didn't take me long to figure out.

That I loved you and was on my way of falling in love with you.

This scared me to death and I wanted to run from it, from you and from me.

But still I stayed around cause the pain it caused of being without you.

Was more than the pain of might happen if you decided.

That I was a lost cause.

So I stayed at first it was good, you always made me feel.

Like I really was worth something and not the trash.

That people had always made me feel I was.

We would talk and you told me of your past.

It took me a little longer to do the same.

But that was no surprise, I never made it a secret.

That I wasn't the type to talk of my past

To me it was history and there was no need to drudge it up.

But I eventually gave in and told you every thing.

That's when my demons came again.

Warning me that I needed to leave before.

You used everything I said to you and use it against me.

Proving I was the worthless little psychotic I felt I was.

Still the way you would look at me or the time when you would.

Have me come over and would lean on me.

Holding my hand or just smile made me feel.

Like I was the one being paranoid.

Even the few friends I had told me it was all in my head.

That it was my only paranoia that made me want to run.

So I listen to them and stayed then the day came.

When I couldn't deal with the war inside my head and decided.

To tell you that what we had wasn't real it was only an act and said.

I was done before I left I remember hearing you say that you didn't believe.

I could walk away but I did and as soon as I was out your door.

I knew I had ended what possibly was the best thing in my life.

But I didn't know if I could fix it or even if I wanted to.

That's a lie I did but wasn't sure if that's what you wanted.

My heart broke at that point and I felt empty.

Then the tears came and it seemed like they would never stop.

Everyday without you it felt like my world was coming to an end

I knew the easy thing to do was go to you and say I made a mistake

But my pride wouldn't let me.

It just seem better to leave things how they were.

Even though it hurt like hell.

I would talk to my friends and they would tell me to just talk to you.

I couldn't do that I knew it would hurt to hear your voice.

So I tried to stay away but I still thought of what you might be doing.

Or if you would find somebody else and if it would hurt to see you with them

I couldn't have blamed you if you had. It was my fault I left not yours.

The days turned into weeks and still I was still miserable.

Some days were worse than others.

Especially the days I would call for somebody and you would answer.

Those were the ones that would hurt the worse.

Cause there was nothing more I wanted. Than to have things back to the way they were.

That's when I knew I had fallen in love and still was and probably always would be.

I just couldn't figure out how some one I knew in a short time.

Had gotten that much control over me.

I would still go to my friends and your family to talk. They knew how I felt, saw how I would get upset at the mention of you.

I think they got tired of seeing me like that or something .

Cause they all told me what they had before and that was to tell you how I felt.

But still I couldn't I still had those demons that told me .

If I did it would end up worse than it was now.

Since I had realized how I realized how I felt.

So I hung out a little more seeing you every now and then.

Those times hurt to and I'd always end up.

Crying myself to sleep. I knew I had no one left to talk to

Who hadn't heard it all and would give me the same advice.

I started to change went and got a tattoo.

Of a panther with wings and told the artist to make the eyes blue instead of green.

So I could think of you kind of pathetic I know.

But it's all I had to hold on to.

Then I went into drugs thinking they would make me numb.

It worked the first couple of days but after that.

All I could keep thinking of was you.

Which just made it worse so I started doing more.

I'd be up for days and when I did sleep.

My dreams would be of you asking me why or telling me to say how I felt.

If I did then everything would be ok.

Sometime the faceless woman I used to dream of would show up also.

Telling me the same thing go to her a admit how you feel.

Other time it would be both of you or a mix of you and her.

Switching back and forth telling me the same thing.

Quit running from it and admit to it and everything would be fine.

So for the most part I really felt like I was going crazy.

As I said everyone must have been tired of seeing me the way.

I was cause two of them got together and decided to intervene.

It took a couple days but from what I was told.

You had said yeah you would give me another chance.

You don't know how much hope that had given me.

But I wasn't sure if it's was true considering the two who told me.

So I took it slow was close to Christmas when I started.

Coming around more and when you asked me to watch your house.

While you had to leave for a couple days.

I thought maybe those two were telling the truth.

Then when I found out you had given me the ring .

I had been wanting for the year we were together.

I felt like a little kid who had gotten everything they wanted.

Or like someone who had just won a million dollars.

My friends laughed cause I couldn't keep the happiness I felt hid.

It felt to good it really gave me feel like.

I hadn't runt what I knew was the best thing in my life.

When I went to see you later that night.

I really had planned on showing how I felt.

But still there was that part of me that felt like I'd get hurt if I did.

So I did the best I could and sat next to you and asked what.

Should be the next tattoo I should get.

At first you told me you wanted me to get a name.

That you went by sometimes but then decided I should get.

A gargoyle cause they were know for protecting & you wanted.

It there because it would protect what belong to you.

So a few days later I went and had it done.

Because even if you didn't mean what you said.

I knew I did because no had as much control over me.

The way you did for awhile things were going good again.

I was still doing the drugs but wasn't letting you know.

By the time New Years came I started getting my doubts again.

I don't know if it was my paranoia cause my feelings.

Only kept getting stronger or if it was for real.

But things just didn't seem the same as they did the first year.

It seemed like we were drifting and would get into disagreements more.

I thought of leaving again but when I told a friend about it.

They told me that I was a fool and if I did.

It would be a mistake and I may never have another chance.

So I stayed a fought with my inner demons again.

Easter was getting close and we had planned a dinner for us all.

By the time it came their had been breakups between friends.

And I had made a mistake of telling one they could bring their new girl.

To the dinner the dinner knowing all along.

That no one like this woman especially you.

But still I couldn't help it I had. had the hots.

For her at one time and wanted to see her for myself.

I didn't care what anybody thought.

I know that was selfish but as I said.

I had been having the strong feeling that things weren't right.

With us I know I was wrong but a piece of me didn't care.

When She got there I pretty much ignored you and paid attention to her.

Inside I felt bad but couldn't stop and made it worse.

By defending her and talking about how good she looked.

Whenever you or anybody else put her down.

Even my own mother told me I was wrong.

But that's how I am I speak what I think.

But even when I was defending her.

In my mind I was thinking you were a hundred times better.

And if I had to choose it would always be you.

But I never told you after you and your family left.

I felt like crap cause I knew I was wrong.

Once again I got upset and thought I blew it.

There would be no way you would put up with that.

My mom and friends didn't make me feel any better.

When I called to tell you sorry for what I had done.

All I can remember is the pain of a knife being stuck in my gut.

Cause you asked who told me who put me up to apologizing.

Like I wasn't smart enough or had any feelings.

That would make me know I done wrong and apologize.

After that it just seem like it got worse we barely talked.

I felt like I did when I said it was over even though I still had ya.

It felt like I really didn't like it was only a title.

That we were together but the feelings weren't there.

I know mine was but I wasn't sure about yours.

But still I hung on hoping it get better.

There were times It felt right others not.

I was still doing the stuff to help me get through.

But by this time you knew about it and there were even times.

When I would bring some to you and him.

I still think it's funny how my friends never.

Could figure out how I could fall for someone.

Who was also with a man but I always told them.

I knew what I was getting into.

SO it was no big and to me you were worth it.

No matter what happen and still did.

When he left you and you had to leave.

To see if you could fix things.

They couldn't understand how you could just up and leave like that.

I knew though that's what loves all about.

If you truly love some one then you do whatever.

To get them back and I would do the same.

Also told them if you ever asked that I'd leave all them and everything behind.

If you ever asked which I never thought would happen.

I actually believed I'd never hear from you again.

I learned along time ago once someone is gone.

Then you would never see or hear from them again.

I have to admit it really hurt to know you were leaving.

But I knew it was for the best and it would make you happy.

If there was even a slightest possibility of you working things out with him.

That's all I ever wanted for you.

But when you asked me to help you get yourself ready to move.

I felt like I was killing a part of myself when I agreed.

But I never let you know. I also never let you see how I would sleep.

Just so I couldn't feel the pain or let you know.

How I'd go to sleep crying and wake up that way.

It got so bad I went on the stuff more so I wouldn't feel.

But it got so it didn't work but I still did it.

The day of your leaving I kept avoiding you.

So you wouldn't know what I was feeling.

It hurt so bad that I started having physical pain.

Anyway after you left I was surprised you kept in touch.

And how you still claimed I belonged to you.

A part of me wanted to believe it but another thought you were just saying it.

We kept in touch on the computer and every time I heard from you .

My heart would speed up there was even a couple times.

I went to see you and noticed you had lost a lot of weight.

I was worried you were slowly destroying yourself by not eating.

But knew there was nothing I could do.

Except try my hardest to be a friend and help get him back with you.

A few months later you two did and I don't know who was happier you are me.

Then came the ultimate shock when I was joking.

About moving down there with you And you both told me to come.

It took a few months with all the problems I had to deal with.

My family disapproving and friends telling me it was a mistake.

I didn't care you meant more to me than them.

Besides I had warned them if I had the chance I would go.

So I did it was awkward at first and strange being in a different town.

But I soon adapted and accepted it all.

At first it was all good to till the day.

I told you I had to go back for a couple weeks.

To take care of a few things and you looked at me and said.

That I should've just stayed there in the first place but I let it slide.

I went back for Christmas vacation found out.

I had been banned from my sisters house and my mom.

Pretty much disowned me in fact my whole family had except my niece.

So came back here and forgot about them.

Things were great here for awhile until.

I started getting those feelings again that I should leave.

But I pushed them away.

The times they were worse is when you seemed distant.

Or when you would get in your moods of making perv remarks to me.

Then laugh them off like it was a joke.

Making me feel like you weren't really interested.

True that's how you are well that and the fact.

We haven't really done anything the whole time.

We've been together with the exception of that one New Years Eve.

But what really bugged me was you always told people.

That you would try and I wouldn't do anything.

Making me look like the dumb one for not.

But how could I when I never knew if you were serious or not.

As for you and everybody saying it's cause I can't do anything .

Cause I'm shy and I would have to messed up on alcohol.

To do anything that may have been true at one time but not anymore.

I'm not saying I wouldn't need anything to relax me.

But I don't need to be messed up it's like I said before.

I don't know if your really interested at times.

It seems like you are others it doesn't and with everything.

That's happened it's worse especially since I got drunk.

That one night and pushed or hit you .

I don't know which after I blacked out.

I just know I felt lower than dirt for what ever I did.

That's why I wasn't able to face you.

I never thought I'd be able to do that to you.

Because you're the only one who acted like they half way cared.

Then I go and do that and now your going through troubles yourself.

Because he left again for no good reason other than he wanted to.

So I know your going thru a confusing time.

I wish there was something I could do to help you.

But again I know I can't you won't be happy until he comes back.

Or if he doesn't you find somebody who can make you feel the way he did.

Which I may be wrong but I don't think you can.

Cause I believe he really is the love of your life.

But not only cause you say that.

I can tell by the way you use to look at him and the way.

You still talk about him and not only that.

But because and you might not believe this.

It is and would be the way I feel about you.

I know this because nobody has ever been able been able to make me so mad.

That I want to walk out but when I look in their eyes I know I can't.

I may say nobody has no control over me or could make me do anything.

But that's wrong because you can and that's only.

Because you're the only one that has ever made me .

Feel angry, happy, content, sad, aggravated, and confused all at the same time.

Or also making me feel the pain of hurt so bad. That I almost start crying just by looking at you or being close to ya.

But I know why that part is it goes back to me wanting it how it used to be. Before I messed up and the not knowing if it's just a game your playing.

Then again this could be my fault because I'm not good a showing how I feel and I'm not sure if it's what you want.

I know that I won't know till you get what you need and want and as I said.

That won't happen till he comes back or you find another that might be able to take his place.

I really do hope and wish that one or the other happens for you.

Cause I really don't like seeing you going what your going through.

There may be times you act fine and are doing good but I know.

Down deep your not and won't be unless something changes.

Now we're at the part where I told you I felt like the time was coming.

When I felt like everything is coming to an end and I will probably be leaving.

I want you to know I never lied it may seem like it cause I told you.

I would never leave and now I'm talking about it.

Well the truth is I don't want to but I can't shake this feeling.

That for some reason I feel like I won't be around much longer.

That's why I think I've been having the feeling.

That it's all come to and end and I wouldn't be need anymore.

At first I took the feeling as it was my time to die.

Cause there was nothing left for me to do here.

I had done everything there was to do.

But now I think it means you'll find some kind of happiness

And I won't be needed cause you'll have someone to take care of you.

Which I really hope does happen.

But I think the reason I had the death feeling.

Is because if and when I do go.

It will be like a very big part of my life will die.

But that's just part of life.

Everyone's here for a reason and when they figure it out.

Then it's time for them to.

I'm just glad that you were that reason

By that I mean that when he left you both times.

I was always there for you no matter what.

Even when everybody said you needed to get over it.

I knew you couldn't until you had him or somebody.

So that was what I was there for or tried to be at least.

Well you know how I feel and why I never did anything with you.

Not because I didn't want to but wasn't sure about what you wanted.

Even as I sit here now I watch you sleep.

I think about how I don't want to leave.

If the subject comes up and how much it will hurt.

If I have to go.

You look so peaceful and even though you hate this word beautiful.

Lying there, there isn't anything I want more now.

Other than just curl up behind and hold you while you sleep.

So that you know there is someone that cares and always will.

No matter what happens in the future.

I will always be there for you.

All you have to do is ask.