Closed Doors
By Leareth

Part Four
Tsuzuki stared at the door. It was built from a dark wood that swallowed his reflection in the varnish. There was an elegant handle set into it with a very obvious lock, giving no indication whether the person who lived in the apartment was home or not. Definitely imposing and not open for approach.

Tsuzuki's stare turned into a glare. Then he took a deep breath and knocked sharply on the door. There was no answer. Tsuzuki frowned and knocked again. Still no answer.

"Uh . . . Tatsumi?"

The door and the apartment behind it gave no response. Tsuzuki rolled his eyes.

"Tatsumi, I know you're in there. You're the only person I know who never goes out for dinner."

Again, no answer. The determined expression on Tsuzuki's face faded as doubt began to take over. Maybe Tatsumi wasn't home. He turned, disappointed, to leave.

"Yes?"

Tsuzuki stopped in his half-circle and turned back. The apartment door still stood there, but now it had a voice. "Tatsumi?" The shinigami tried the door-handle, which refused to give. "Hey, Tatsumi, it's me, Tsuzuki. Can I come in?"

There was a slight pause from the door, then a very curt, "No."

Tsuzuki pouted. "Aw, c'mon. Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

Tsuzuki gave up on cute and glared at the door again. "Look, I just got out of the hospital, the least you can do is let me say hello."

"Alright. Hello. Goodbye."

Tsuzuki's eyes darkened. "I want to say it to you, not your door."

"I'm busy."

"Doing what? Counting coins?" Tsuzuki gave an exasperated sigh. "Open the door and let me in or I'll get Byakko to open it."

"Do that and you'll be working off repair costs for the next two centuries."

The threat made Tsuzuki cringe a little but he quickly drew himself up again. "Look, Tatsumi, you've been scaring everyone more than usual for the past week. I just want to see if you're ok, alright?"

"I'm perfectly fine," the door answered.

"No, you're not. Let me in."

"No." The word was sharp, like the lash of a whip. Then there was a pause, as if the speaker was trying to pull back. "Go away, Tsuzuki-san."

Tsuzuki's face fell. He glared at the door. Then he sniffled. No response. Tsuzuki sniffled again, louder and more pitifully. He blinked large mournful eyes, probably a useless action since there was no way it could be seen through the door but it was worth a try anyway, and put a tremble into his voice. It was easier than he expected.

"T-Tatsumi . . . it's cold out here and . . . and . . ." – he inserted a few more tearful sniffles for good measure – ". . . and my apartment's dark and scary and I'm hungry and you're being mean so I'm going to cry and–"

Suddenly the door opened. Tatsumi stood in the doorway. If he had been planning to say anything, it was lost as his eyes roved over Tsuzuki's perfectly straight and serious face.

"I thought you said you were crying," Tatsumi said finally.

Tsuzuki looked at him without flinching. "I thought you said you were busy."

Silence. Tatsumi didn't move. Tsuzuki sighed patiently. "Can I come in?"

For a moment he was afraid that Tatsumi would shut the door in his face. After a minute of thought the secretary wordlessly moved aside to let Tsuzuki through. Then he closed the door. As Tsuzuki took off his shoes and coat Tatsumi walked away abandoning him in the hall. Tsuzuki frowned, then followed. "You weren't having dinner or anything, were you?" he asked, partly uncomfortable for barging in, partly to fill the uneasy quiet that seemed to fill the apartment.

"No. I've finished." This from the next room. Tsuzuki went there. It was dim, save for what light fell from the kitchen. After the relative brightness of the hall Tsuzuki had to pause for his eyes to adjust. Tatsumi's tall figure stood silhouetted against the wide window. He was looking outside. Something in that posture made Tsuzuki stop, uneasy.

"Oh. Uh . . ." He trailed off, then asked lamely, "So I'm not disturbing you?"

"No."

So distant. This wasn't like Tatsumi at all. Even when Tatsumi was cold – and he had been, many times – he never ignored Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki tried again. "Watari says you've been really busy," he said, trying to keep his voice casual. "I mean, I assume you've been really busy, cause I've hardly seen you lately, and I know you like keeping busy and what with me uh, burning down the place that time probably doesn't help the department budget any and . . ." The words were falling over each other to get out and fill the silence, and Tsuzuki caught himself. "I'm babbling, aren't I."

"Yes, you are."

Tsuzuki folded his arms and glared. "Well, it could help if you'd make some conversation instead of speaking in mono-syllables."

There was a sigh from the figure at the window. "Tsuzuki-san, I'm not in the mood for this. Go home."

"After all that trouble to get you to open the door, I don't think so." Suddenly sick of the shadows Tsuzuki turned on a standing lamp. Tatsumi flinched. "What are you doing at home in the dark anyway?" Tsuzuki asked, taking a step further into the room. "It's way too early to go to sleep."

Tatsumi resumed staring out the window. "I thought it was appropriate."

"Appropriate?" Tsuzuki frowned. "What for?"

The tall shinigami shrugged. "Myself."

Tsuzuki blinked, unsure of what to say to this. "Uh, Tatsumi . . ." he said hesitantly, "are you alright?"

Tatsumi turned slightly to look over his shoulder. "Are you worried about me, Tsuzuki-san?"

"Well, yeah." Tsuzuki shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. "You haven't exactly been yourself lately." He looked pointedly at Tatsumi's back. "And you didn't visit me while I was in hospital either."

"I was busy."

"You were not busy." Tsuzuki's voice was bitter. "I asked Kacho. He told me that was no way there was so much work that you'd have to be busy twenty-four hours a day. And I know you always take walks in the sakura grove outside. Don't try and tell me that you were too busy to see me, cause I know you weren't. Not for a whole week and more." His voice was rising; Tsuzuki made himself calm down. "Why, Tatsumi?" he asked softly. "Why didn't you want to see me?"

Silence. Tsuzuki stared at the other shinigami, willing him to turn around. Damn it, Tatsumi, why won't you look at me?

Tatsumi didn't move. Suddenly he turned around and said, "You know that I would never hurt you, don't you, Tsuzuki-san?"

Tsuzuki blinked. He opened his mouth to say something along the lines of never getting a salary bonus but realised this wasn't the time for banter. "Yes. I know." Suddenly he smiled. "I trust you."

Seeing his smile Tatsumi looked away. "I'm not sure if I trust myself . . ." he said softly.

". . . Tatsumi?" Worried, Tsuzuki began to take a step towards him –

"Don't come any closer!"

Startled by the sharpness of Tatsumi's voice, Tsuzuki obeyed. The other shinigami stared at him for a moment with an expression he couldn't name, but it frightened him a little. Seeing fear flickering in Tsuzuki's face Tatsumi took a deep breath. "You can't help me, Tsuzuki-san. Please, just go."

Tsuzuki stared at him. "If you want me to go, then why did you let me in?"

"I shouldn't have." Tatsumi sighed and looked out the window again. "Just leave, Tsuzuki-san," he said quietly. His voice was strained, almost pleading. "I don't want to hurt you."

"As you haven't already." Tsuzuki gave a short laugh. "First you avoid me for a week, then you refuse to help Watari and Hisoka look after me. You don't come to our little party at the hospital and now you're telling me to get the hell out of here. How can you possibly hurt me anymore?"

Tatsumi didn't look at him. "The way Muraki hurt you."

Tsuzuki froze. Perhaps sensing this, Tatsumi turned around. There was a bitter, almost self-mocking smile on his face. "You see?" he said softly. "You see why I avoided you. Why I avoided any chance of being alone with you. I don't ever want to cause you pain, but if I stay with you . . ." He trailed off, avoiding Tsuzuki's eyes again. " . . . I don't know what will happen."

Somehow Tsuzuki managed to get his tongue to work. "Do you–" His mouth was dry, so he tried again, "do you really see me that way?" he whispered.

Tatsumi didn't look at him. "Watari-san told me you were still having nightmares," he said detachedly. "They're about him, right? You dream about Muraki."

Tsuzuki could only nod numbly in response. Tatsumi closed his eyes and bowed his head. "It was painful, you know, to stay away. I didn't trust myself to see you even though I wanted to, even though I was making you unhappy." There was a shuddering sigh then Tatsumi forced himself to continue. "But I told myself that it was better. Better even for you to hate me, rather than be hurt by me." He looked at Tsuzuki then, his smile sad and almost hopeless. "I don't want to be your nightmare, Tsuzuki-san."

Something wasn't right; Tsuzuki glanced down at his hands to find them shaking as the tried-forgotten shades of his nightmares began to creep up on him despite the lamplight. Hands, white hands, touching, playing – please no, please no, he begged silently. They didn't listen, and there was no Watari or Hisoka to wake him up. The only one present who could help him was the man standing stiffly by the window, and if he came over to hold him then the dreams wouldn't be dreams anymore –

Tsuzuki shook his head. He looked at Tatsumi. The tall figure dressed in warm brown was still the same. He thought back all the times they had together. Lunches. Work. Walks in the sakura grove. Getting yelled at for wrecking the library or chided for bad table manners. Coming to his rescue on numerous occasions. Comforting him. Simply being there to talk to.

He couldn't believe that Tatsumi would ever hurt him.

Tatsumi sighed, bowing his head. "You should . . . you should go," he said wearily. "Just leave me alone, Tsuzuki-san –"

"No."

Startled, Tatsumi jerked around to face him. Tsuzuki smiled a little. "No. I'm not going."

Tatsumi stared. "Tsuzuki-san –"

"I'm not going," Tsuzuki repeated, more firmly. He took a step towards Tatsumi. "And you can't make me." Another step. Tatsumi actually backed away – if it wasn't for the seriousness of the situation Tsuzuki would have found it funny. "I'm not leaving you alone."

He kept walking towards the other shinigami, slowly, as if he were trying to approach a wild animal. Tatsumi kept retreating until he backed into the window, which meant he couldn't retreat any further. Then he watched Tsuzuki approach him without speaking, though his fingers gripped the window-sill so tightly his knuckles were white. Finally, when he was barely a foot away from the other man Tsuzuki stopped and looked at Tatsumi, studying him.

Tatsumi met his gaze, eyes unreadable. Such blue eyes the man had.

"I know you, Tatsumi," said Tsuzuki softly. "You wouldn't hurt me. You'd never do anything to me I didn't want you to." Before the other man could say anything Tsuzuki reached out and took his hand. He lifted it and pressed the palm against his cheek, smiling as Tatsumi's eyes widened. "I trust you."

Tatsumi stared at him almost fearfully. "Tsuzuki-san –" he began, trying to pull his hand back. Still grasping his wrist Tsuzuki let himself be pulled forward, closing the last gap between them in a rush, and curled up against the other man with his cheek lying against Tatsumi's chest.

Tatsumi froze.

"See?" Tsuzuki murmured. "I trust you." It felt nice to be close like this, but Tatsumi was so tense . . . Tsuzuki gripped a handful of the brown suit-jacket in a mute plea not to be pushed away. "I have faith in you, Tatsumi, and I don't like seeing you like this. It makes me sad."

No response. Tsuzuki could have been touching a statue. He squeezed his eyes shut; he wasn't crying – not yet, anyway. "And would you please stop trying to pretend you don't care? I know damn well that you do so you can't deny it. Please, Tatsumi."

Silence. Tsuzuki waited, hardly daring to breathe as he listened to the heartbeat beneath his ear.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime of anxiety, Tsuzuki felt a pair of arms almost hesitantly come up to hold him. He sighed, a trembling sigh that was as much relief as gladness, and felt some of the tension drain away. For the first time in a very long time he felt safe and comfortable; he nestled closer, marvelling at his own daring, and felt Tatsumi tighten his embrace.

It was pleasant.

The arms around him shifted, one hand coming up to rest on the back of his neck. Tsuzuki let his eyes close again, absently fingering Tatsumi's coat lapel admiring its perfection. He sensed Tatsumi shift a little, and breath stirred his dark hair as if he were being asked something. Questioningly, Tsuzuki lifted his head to look at his friend –

– felt Tatsumi's lips brush against his –

– and froze in shock.

Abruptly, Tatsumi pulled away. "I'm sorry." Before Tsuzuki realised what was going on Tatsumi let him go and stepped back, avoiding his gaze. Tsuzuki stared after him with wide eyes, and raised trembling fingers to his lips. "I'm sorry," Tatsumi whispered hoarsely. "That was . . . unforgivable of me." He took a deep breath, visibly collecting himself, before saying, "You shouldn't be here, Tsuzuki-san, go home and get some sleep, go home–"

"No!" Somehow Tsuzuki managed to shake himself into action again, this time, however, it was almost desperate. "No. Please, Tatsumi, don't send me away, I don't want to be alone by myself at night, not yet, not while the nightmares keep coming in the dark and haunting me in my sleep." He was babbling again, but he didn't care and he didn't stop himself. "Watari and Hisoka have done so much for me already and I don't want to ask anymore of them but even so they're not you, Tatsumi, please, you can't send me away, and I don't want you to be alone hurting yourself unable to trust yourself anymore and–" Sometime during all of this Tatsumi had turned to face him again and Tsuzuki broke off.

"Tsuzuki-san," said Tatsumi slowly, "what you're asking is whether you can stay here tonight."

Tsuzuki did his best to meet Tatsumi's eyes without flinching or crying. Tatsumi hated to see him cry.

"Do you really trust me that much?" asked Tatsumi quietly.

Tsuzuki nodded. For a long moment Tatsumi stared at him with those blue eyes of his, searching perhaps for some argument or protest.

They never came.

Tsuzuki blinked as Tatsumi abruptly went into another room, turning on a light and coming out a minute later with a spare pillow and blanket.

"T-Tatsumi?"

Tatsumi laid the blanket and pillow on the sofa. "Take the bed. I'll be out here if you need anything."

Tsuzuki stared at him, then smiled gratefully.

"Thank you."

Tatsumi didn't smile back.

Behold, the Void @ http://doki3.net/void/