Cliffjumper's Top Ten Transformers Tunes, a transformers/beast wars fanfic

Cliffjumper's Top Ten Transformers Tunes
by Brian Vigue, a.k.a. Weed in the Transformers fandom

Note: Hopefully I can dodge the "no top ten" rule by making this a fic about a top ten! All dialogue and filks were written by me. Special thanks to Amy K. Cyrway for providing inspiration, and of course to Hasbro for those wacky, shape-shifting robots.

*The show's theme music starts up...*

Ten...
Nine...
Eight...
Seven...
Six...
Five...
Four...
Three...
Two...
NUMBER ONE!

Hello again, everybody, and welcome to Cliffjumper's Top Ten Transformers Tunes. I'm Cliffjumper, getting ready to count down the silliest, most off-the-wall Transformers filks according to message board views and replies, from ten to number one. We have a little bit of everything in the countdown this week, from classic G1, to Beast Wars and Beast Machines, Armada, and fan fiction, so fasten your seat belts and let's get ready to, as the humans say, "pull a Michael Jackson!"

Number Ten!

First up is a song about creative writers and their fans who seem to just never get it. "Shades of Gray," a filk of Fastball's 1998 hit "The Way," was inspired by Amy K. Cyrway's "Shades of Gray" fic series found right here in Fanfiction.net. Many of Amy's fanboys tried to write fics of their own involving her characters, Artemis Prime and Cavalier, along with canon sensation Starscream, but they could never seem to get their complex personalities and philosophical viewpoints right. It seemed for many that linear good versus evil was the only way to write, unlike Amy's diverse style. So in their frustration, they'd pucker their lips and whine, "What's up with that?"

Singing this song is one of Amy's top fanboys, named Neale, who worked for Hasbro in the quality control department, personally licking every toy before the packaging stage to make sure they had the highest level of enjoyability for kids. Well, at least that what he says; we can never be too sure.

By the way, I strongly suggest you check out Amy K. Cyrway's fics because of their awesome, thought-provoking content. See how well you catch on!

"SHADES OF GRAY"

Are you Autobot... or Decepticon, man?
You just can't have it any other way
When you jump the fence it makes my head spin
Sorrily I am not following the shades of gray

You work for the Cons... then trade hugs with Grimlock
What would Ultra Magnus have to say?
And don't he notice when you siphon his tank?
Sorrily I am not following the shades of gray

Anyone can see that Decepticons are plain evil
They don't like to reason, they'd rather just kill
They always attack first, and be first to run away

You can see how Artemis Prime confuses me
She buys Scourge a teapot then fills it with pee
If Roddy's her leader, then why're his ideas so gay?... So gay?

How in the world... did she get the Matrix
While making love to Starscream's foot decay?
He put on a crown and said he was bigger than Primus
He's since blown to pieces, but he's still a D-O-R-K

Anyone can see that good versus bad is the way to go
You're so indecisive like Ross Perot
Just stick with your faction or leave it and go away

You don't see the members of gestalts just changing sides
Trade Brawl or Swindle for a Streetwise
Defensor's part traitor, he pummeled himself with Blades!... No wayyyy!

*The music gets cut short due to time restraints, and Cliffjumper takes the mic*
Yes, yes, I got plenty tired of that agonizingly overplayed tune back in '98; the remake doesn't help it any. Starting off our countdown, that's "Shades of Gray."

Okay, moving on to number nine, we have one of my all-time favorite filks. The only downside to it is that it involves obscure references set to the tune of an obscure song. However, the story it tells is universally recognized.
Again referring to Amy K. Cyrway's fic verse, this is a tale about two of Starscream's children, Felis Convoy and Starfall.... Hmm, a Decepticon conceiving a Convoy. I guess I don't follow the Shades of Gray either! *snerk* The idea for this song was created from the notion of the wily Starfall giving her big, mild-mannered brother Felis a wedgie. A simple theme indeed, but a great legacy spawned from it.

The song this parody is set to is the 1985 track "Jimmy Shaman's Boxers" by Midnight Oil, an underground band virtually unknown in the U.S. until three years later. If you're a Midnight Oil fan though, you'd have to agree it's one of their best. So here's the transformation of "Jimmy Shaman's Boxers," which isn't about underpants, into "Felis Convoy's Boxers," which is about underpants!

"FELIS CONVOY'S BOXERS"

In a tiny room behind the bar
Felis sits and thinks for hours
Of how his sister does wrong
Felis puts his boxers on

The mission is apparent now
She must face her punishment
This is no time to get cold feet
Even though he risks harassment

He knows his adversary, and his optics fill with dread
Of Felis Convoy's boxers flipped cruelly over his head
Marching toward the spaceship, he's the leader of the pack
But he can't help but cringe at that tight wedgie up his crack!

His Underoos used to fit, but Starfall is such a twit
You rev a chainsaw, that's the way she yanks his pants
She's such a dirty fighter, his gap keeps getting wider
In given time he could crap out an elephant

He just wants to get respect
But his underwear is made for kids... for kids
They're patterned with the Autobots
Ratchet, Brawn, and of course Skids! XD

This is his fear, the big wedgie from hell
This is his fear, the big wedgie from hell
Don't go near the big wedgie from hell
Crying a tear from the big wedgie from hell
Sis will gear for the big wedgie from hell
Her goal is clear, it's the big wedgie from hell

And now the time has come to fight
But Felis won't pick up the pace
Woah, is it 'cause he's cowardly
Or that his cheeks are so damned chaffed?

Heading into battle, he is scared out of his wits
And Felis Convoy's boxers, they turn brown when trouble hits
Starfall comes to greet him and her fist on his face lands
He didn't block it 'cause he's busy guarding his waistband

He reasons like a pansy, for love within his family
But then he's got his daddy shouting, "YOU'RE A FOOL!"
He starts to feel so small. Don't take your eyes off Starfall
He took his eyes off, now she gives his pants a pull!

*Felis grabs his crotch and falls to his knees before crashing onto his side. Starscream and Starfall cackle maniacally over him before making off with the O-parts. The sky turns red, and Felis reaches out, crying out dramatically.*

Why do I fall for this?...
Starfall, you are a twit!...
Weed says I look like...
A croquet wicket, GAHH!...

*Felis loses consciousness and lies on the ground. The other Legacy Autobots gather around him in mourning. Weed takes a drag and sings the final line.*

Look over there, did you see that elephant?

*The song ends, and Cliffjumper returns*
A very poignant tune about sibling rivalry indeed. On our countdown, it ranks in at number nine.

Now, some of you may be wondering who that Weed character was toward the end of the song. Well, he just happens to be a fan character based on a rather tangible idea. Reflecting back on the world of Beast Machines, we saw that Rattrap and Botannica had the hots for each other, so what would be the result if the two of them had a kid after Cybertron's reformatting? Our next song explains it all.

The tune is a remake of the spring 2001 Irish bar punk hit "Good Rats" by Dropkick Murpheys. This one is sung by the equally slurred speech of the strung out Weed, with those crazy Newf-bots, Stormrave and Braddore backing him up on instruments. Weed's version is called "Plant Rats!"

"PLANT RATS"

*Stormrave does a drum roll*

*Braddore cranks out a riff on his guitar, and a flute joins in applying a lively Irish jig type melody to the song. Weed is slouched atop a stool with a plastered expression in his face, dryly taking a drag off a cigarette. He waits for his cue to start singing, his expression never wavering.*

Have you ever stopped to think about where I came from, Jack
You got a wheeled mouse and some ivy and they hopped into the sack
With a little fuel injection, he crashed into the tree
And a little while later, the world was blessed with me

Now that Cybertron is peaceful, the planet green and blue
There are no bad guys to battle with, so what is one supposed to do?
Wasting time in my workshop; it's a getaway I suppose
There's silver dust in my Etch-a-Sketch, but it will soon be up my nose!

*All of the lager-guzzling Cybertronians join in*

A-one, a-two, a-one, two, eight, three

C'mon all you plant-rats, we'll send you to the Oracle
A zen unlike any that Primal has known
You thought he was trippin', well man you ain't kiddin'
With voices in your head, you're never alone!

*Verse 2. Weed's lips don't feel like moving much this time.*

A Qix game's on my moniner though my mtherboard's'burnt
So my enrtainmnt's the coolin' fan, for'ours watch it turn
I could've sworn I seen a wasp with a cycle drone for a 'ead
Irookik shoosum abstract ahht 'n then it end up dead

*The crowd bursts out again in song*

A-one, a-two, a-one, two, something, five

C'mon all you plant-rats, we'll send you to the Oracle
A zen unlike any that Primal has known
I think I have lost it; what is this green stuff?
Am I really Terrorsaur? Call off my drones!

*Now Braddore does his solo*

You ever see a Weed? He's nothing like the norm
He gets around on rollerblades, but how does he transform?
Like a carnival contortionist, his forehead meets his heel
It works for him in cartoon land, but he's yet to impress Neale!!!

*Now the crowd is totally drunk, and they have no idea which song they're singing*

Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated

*Weed and Braddore take it softly now*

C'mon all you plant-rats, we'll send you to the Oracle
A zen unlike any that Primal has known
Elita One's frozen in leather and tassels
That's my special power? Shit, who would have known?

*Now everyone waves their mugs in the air and shouts again*

C'mon all you plant-rats, we'll send you to the Oracle
A zen unlike any that Primal has known
You thought he was trippin', well man you ain't kiddin'
With voices in your head, you're neeeeverrrr aaaaaaa-loooooooooone

*With the final drum roll by Stormrave, the song ends. Cliffjumper comes back on.*
A lively song by Weed, who oftentimes refers to himself as a plat-rant, just so you know. The little Venus fly-rat comes in at number eight, and the countdown continues....

Number Seven!

Next is a fun little canon tune set to the 1980 Vapors hit "Turning Japanese." Here's Beast Machines Primal singing "Turning Chimpanzee!"

"TURNING CHIMPANZEE"

I got infected
By Megatron
I cannot blast him
My guns are gone
I'm running on my wrists, I wonder what went wrong

I was a robot
You keeping track?
I had the Matrix
But put it back
That didn't shrink me so you say what's up with that?

I got infected, I got infected
All these reformats can't be good for my health
It isn't easy, to be infected
Think I will go back home and master myself

He got me turning up and turning in and turning out and turning in
Turning chimpanzee, I think I'm turning chimpanzee, I really think so
Turning chimpanzee, I think I'm turning chimpanzee, I really think so
Turning chimpanzee, I think I'm turning chimpanzee, I really think so
Turning chimpanzee, I think I'm turning chimpanzee, I really think so

I got infected, I got infected
Stay in beast mode if you do know what's best
I am not happy, to be infected
Think I will go back home and pound on my chest

No gas, no wheels, no Autobot symbol, no animated transformation sequence, it's dumb
My friends were converted to a smoking junk heap
What am I to do, I'm just a silly monkey, Oracle

Because I'm turning chimpanzee, I think I'm turning chimpanzee, I really think so
Turning chimpanzee, I think I'm turning chimpanzee, I really think so
Turning chimpanzee, I think I'm turning chimpanzee, I really think so
Turning chimpanzee, I think I'm turning chimpanzee, I really think so

*As the music wraps up, Cliffjumper does the voiceover.*
My, how the mighty have fallen. Down from a semi truck last week, to a smelly ape this week, that's Optimus Primal with "Turning Chimpanzee."

Up next is number six, and who I like to consider the true star of Beast Wars. I'm talking about none other than good ol' Waspinator. In this selection entitled "The Bad Song," Waspy tries his bad-boy image to win over fan character Pantera, the feline reformat of Artemis Prime, who you heard about back at number ten. But knowing Waspy, it's going to take a lot of trial and error.

The song he's performing is a filk of the 2000 club favorite by the Bloodhound Gang called "The Bad Touch." And for those of you who are still song title illiterate, you may know it better as "The Discovery Channel Song."

"THE BAD SONG"

*An electronic drum beat kicks up.*

*Whispers* I am worshiping the Wonko

*A retro melody belts out with synthetic keyboards and a smooth bass riff. Waspinator, topped with a backward baseball cap steps up to the microphone and begins to rap.*

Leak coolant, leak coolant
That is all I do
And my optics start to bug out
Every time I look at you
And there's no crease in my piece
Whenever you are around
Yes you are the red-haired girl
And baby I am Charlie Brown
My knees shiver, start to quiver
Like when a cave girl pounds on them
You can stroke me, I'll grow on you
Like what Wormmon does with Ken
But you seem a bit perplexed, don't you like your insects
With no hands, look Ma I can fly
I want to show you that the sight of boobs
No longer makes me cry

Do it now
You are pretty kitty, I am nothing but mental
So let's do it like they do it on Comedy Central
Do it again now
You are pretty kitty, I am nothing but mental
So let's do it like they do it on Comedy Central
Damn my zipper's caught

*A musical interlude of keys gives way to another bass riff, ushering in the second verse*

Love
The kind you feel when you win Ben Stein's money
Like the pig that got drunk with the elephant
Girl, let me call you honey
I got a mallet in my fist, kiss kiss
If I should be so bold
I'm gonna slam it down on this square peg
And through the crescent hole
You wink at me and I see a dreamy haze
Yeah you know what I mean
I wanna see you all day jog in place
Or better yet a trampoline
So you have been around the block, so what
I've never stepped outside
I want to know your inner beauty
So that I can teach Bill Nye

*Waspinator trips over his head and falls off the stage as a final dose of synthesized retro music concludes the song. Cue Cliffjumper again.*
Oh, that Wonko the Sane always does it to me! That's one of Jazz's favorites, "The Bad Song" by Waspinator.

We have now reached the top five, and what a doozy to start us onto the second half of the countdown. Just what exactly does happen in a typical G1 Transformers episode you might ask? Well, quite a bit, so it takes a song with a lot of lyrics to fit it all in. What better song than Bare Naked Ladies' 1998 hit "One Week" to explain one of our rarely seen bootleg episodes. Hey, I remember this one! So here's the embarrassing story about Autobots and Decepticons holding a circus hostage that thankfully I wasn't in, as "One Week" gets compressed into "Thirty Minutes!"

Number Five!

"THIRTY MINUTES"

It's the
Fourth time the Decepticons
Tried to rob the earth of its energon
Three days till the power down
And the planet we're on will no longer make a sound
Two hours of strategic plots
By the forces of good, they're our friends the Autobots
One hope for the way we were
It's a fight to the end among the Transformers

MEGatron is at the view screen
He's got a new scheme
To harness energy from elephants
For when they sneeze collectively it powers turbines with great ease
Of a weapon that'll put the humans in a trance
So Laserbeak goes to snitchin'
On Starscream's bitchin'
Cause he thinks the plan is stupid
First thing, they'll raid the circus
With help from Bruticus
He's strong but thoughtful as a retard kid
When things go wrong they'll call their pawns Insecticons because their swarms are so many they can keep the heroes occupied
Down to the wire call on Skyfire though he's a crier and he just might reconsider to join up with the other side

I cannot help it if Decepticons are idiots
Most are just morons that Megatron babysits
They're the kind of guys who'd rob an HQ hardware store
Use the crowbar that they stole to break in for more
They have a tendency to bungle all the jobs they do
They have a history of running away, it's the

Fourth time the Decepticons
Do something dumb all thanks to boss Megatron
Three hours till they realize
The plan they came up with wasn't so very wise
Two elephants are doing it
For Rumble that's worse than covered in seagull shit
One bigtop can't hold them all
You'll only find plots like this in Transformers...

*Musical interlude during the commercial so that all the fans can go to the bathroom*

*Everyone comes back with Fluffernutters and sits down for the return*

Rumble and Ravage are ravaged rubble
The Autobots strike at the first sign of trouble
Soundwave tripped over onto his can
Who pushed that popcorn stand?
Wait, it was one of Hound's holograms
Prowl's hitting Thrust with some cold air
How's the weather up there?
He laughed as if that joke was funny
Huffer fought, but Grimlock refrained
He was more entertained
By clowns packing into Bumblebee
They're going at it one more time, it's Megatron and leader Prime, they are ferocious even though they're drawn so badly
But still they keep me entertained, I got homework but just the same in fifteen minutes Jem's on I tell you so sadly

I cannot help it if my brain is rotting from this show
Where's my misplaced sanity, well nobody knows
I really wish TFs would stay around forever
With the exception of RiD, whatever
My comics pages are all kinda stuck together
I really wish I could marry my toys, it's the

Fifth time the Decepticons
Quit using their brains and behaved more like ditzy blondes
Four workers were kidnapped from
The ice cream parlor, disaster for everyone
Thirty minutes for the Autobots
To battle the Cons and ruin their silly plot
Two seconds and the show will air
I gotta sit down and watch the Transformers...

Yes I gotta sit down and watch the Transformers...

My favorite Atari game was Barnstormers

*With the song's final whistle, Cliffjumper returns*
How's that for a bit of nostalgia? My favorite Atari game was Combat, by the way. Oh, how I stayed up many a lonely night playing that one....

Ahem, moving on to number four now, we have our only Armada song in the countdown. Actually, it's a pre-Armada song influenced by an early photo of the Starscream toy. As you can imagine, a lot of fans were scratching their heads and asking, "What the hell is that thing on his head?" It would take a while for the masses to warm up to Swindle, but in the meantime, Starscream underwent more ridicule than usual.

Naturally this wacky new gimmick demanded a filk by Screamer's old-school Seeker posse, who dug up a swinging hit from 1997 by the Squirrel Butt Sniffers... Squirrel Butt Sniffers?!... Hey, who messed with my notes? It's Squirrel Nut Zippers, and their song was called "Hell." This version is called "Swell Toupee!"

"SWELL TOUPEE"

*Ramjet strums the guitar, then he is joined by a horn section consisting of several cone-headed Seekers who also perform background vocals. Together they lead in the main vocals done by, oh, let's say Thundercracker. He has a nice deep voice.*

Innnn the latest show
Comes the return of our favorite foe
Now the Cons come up and say
Hey there Screamer that's a swell toupee

Many rave out ex-citedly
While others claim bitter stupidity
I think then there's a couple who just do not care
About the little race car that Starscream wears

*Piano feature done by Dirge. He seems pretty cheery today though.*

There was a time when he used to gloat
And poke fun at his dumb cone-headed bros
But now to a parasite Starscream is wed
And everyday he gladly gives it head

Innnn the latest show
Comes the return of our favorite foe
Now the Cons come up and say
Hey there Screamer that's a swell toupee

*Trumpet feature done by Thrust. The little Mini-con comes out and does a dance.*

Woah, missiles, cannons, guns, a mohawk
Could have gone there instead
Of all the things to equip a flyer
It had to be a runt with tires

Innnn the latest show
Comes the return of our favorite foe
Now the Cons come up and say
Hey there Screamer that's a swell toupee

*Another trumpet feature by Thrust. The Mini-con is now being chased around the stage by Starscream.*

Now the A and the R and the M and the A and the D and the A
W-T-F?
Changed his face, kept his name
And got fitted in a maroon plane

A and the R and the M and the A and the D and the A
W-T-F?
Changed his face, kept his name
And got fitted in a maroon plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane

*The horn section wraps up the song, and Starscream comes out with his new head gear to take a bow, but when he does, the Mini-con slides off revealing a shiny chrome dome.*

*With the song finished, Cliffjumper takes over*
Ha ha, that bouncy tune takes the shock out of my absorbers! "Swell Toupee" is in at number four on our countdown.

Number Three!

You can't deny that one of the best reasons to tune in a classic G1 episode is to watch our favorite Decepticon lunkheads Megatron and Starscream go at it with their constant bickering and shows of supremacy. Well, our next filk deals with just that.

Frank Zappa's 1982 hit "Valley Girl" was just plain annoying to me at first, but with the twist Starscream put on it called "Air Command," well, you can see why it ranks at number three on our countdown. Does Starscream make a good valley girl? Let's find out!...

"AIR COMMAND"

Air command, he's the air command
Air command, he's the air command
Go flyboy! Indeed, indeed
He's the air command, and he's not a dweeb
Go flyboy! Indeed, indeed
He's the...

"Insolent fools!"
Air command
"I am superior!"
Air command
"Megatron will like, bow before me fer sure!"
Air command
"And kiss my afterburner!"
Air command

"Spending another day on this grody planet with that guy is just gonna bonk me out! Like, as if the guy's got nothing better to do than to scare a bunch of miserable fleshlings in hard hats and sponge up the oil from like, the Alaskan bay or some junk, just to fill up some purple squares! I'm like, why don't we just split this place fer sure, and he's like all reow reow hiss and stuff; it's way embarrassing. I mean, Ravage is watching, and he's getting it all on tape for the others to like laugh at later, bunch of insubordinates..."

Just like normal, Megs is pissed
He gave Screamer some "reow reow hiss"
They won't leave earth until way later
He'd rather be cuffed to Waspinator

"It's no wonder I have an attitude problem listening to that guy come up with all his doofussy ideas! Like, how is roughing up street kids at a Manhattan discotech gonna solve anything? Give me a break, he's such a doofus! I never seen a guy get so frustrated -- he's like a robot that can do a vein pop, freak me out! And his breath always smells like Penzoil onions, GROSS! I mean it, next time he transforms into a gun and wants me to like shoot him and stuff, I'll shoot him all right -- shoot him right into Trypticon's ass crack or something! Dino enema fer sure..."

Air command, he's the air command
Air command, he's the air command
Go flyboy! Indeed, indeed
He's the air command, obsessed with greed
Go flyboy! Indeed, indeed
He's the...

"Or I know!..."
Air command
"Instead of shooting him I'll empty his bullet's out..."
Air command
"And when he transforms back into robot mode..."
Air command
"He'll be like, where are my nads? No way!"
Air command

"It's like, on missions, he follows me wherever I go. His voice kinda haunts me inside my head. And then I realize that it's just the com-link so I'm like all relieved that I only have to hear his voice and not see his face, so me and the boys can make faces at the com-link behind his back and stuff! My Seekers are cool, not those ditzy cone-headed ones, but the cool ones Warp and Cracker! Sometimes they get out of line a little and I have to like kick their asses, but what good nurturing boss doesn't? They cower before me because I'm like the Primus to all flying robots and junk! Seriously, sometimes I remind myself of Megatron; oh my god I just royally scared myself there..."

Starscream thinks Meg's plans are dumb
He'd rather follow his own drum
Take his men and off they go
To seek a contract for his own show

"So I like, land on this abandoned island you know, and I see these bitchin' old military vehicles. They're all green and grody and stuff with fleshling asscheek indents all over the upholstery, so I'm like, let's fix 'em up and start an army! It's a better idea than what Skywarp came up with, painting a face on a volleyball and giving it a name; I mean, how's a volleyball gonna thwart Megatron, even if we do pass it through the cloning machine like even a million billion times, what would that prove? I mean, Megatron already thinks he has balls, much less give him more to play with; I'm like, I don't care Warp; do what you want! Hump a laser for all I care..."

Air command, he's the air command
Air command, he's the air command
Go flyboy! Indeed, indeed
He's the air command, always in the lead
Go flyboy! Indeed, indeed
He's the air command, sure to call retreat

"I can't help it Megatron's schemes always end in failure!"
Air command
"My leadership ensures victory!"
Air command
"What's this about bad comedy?"
Air command
"Menasor, now that's bad comedy!"
Air command
"Like, sorry, I don't understand cave bot!"
Air command
"Nice hair trigger, Megatron!"
Air command
"Gotta wash my finger every time I shoot him!"
Air command
"I hope you get sat on by a Dinobot!"
Air command
"Attack I say!"
Air command
"How dare you call me Leader One?"
Air command
"I do not talk like Cobra Commander, I'm sure!"
Air command
"What? My cockpit?"
Air command
"No, it's not unzipped..."
Air command
"Thundercracker's not the cute one; I'm the cute one!"
Air command
"FOOLS!"
Air command
"Hmm, which tiara would look good for the coronation?"
Air command
"MY SYMBOLS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE UPSIDE DOWN!..."

*Starscream's bitching fades into the background as Cliffjumper's voice cuts through it.*
It's Starscream at his best, folks. But I don't know why he's upset; he's simply dominating this countdown. Our dear Seeker general not only makes appearances in six songs, but three of the top-five hits are devoted entirely to him. We just heard "Swell Toupee" and "Air Command," and there's one more left to go.

But first we answer the question, what is a SNAD? Well, SNAD stands for "Sensitive New-Age Decepticons," or in other words, Decepticons who make Autobots look like serial killers. These types of Decepticons are most popular among fan girls, usually in their thirties, who apparently had too many tea parties crashed by their brothers when they were young, heh heh. Anyway, as you can probably guess, Starscream is the biggest victim of this dress-up movement in the world of fan fiction, but the filk at number two is not fan-based. It's a recreation of an actual G1 episode done in SNAD style, if you can believe that. Many fans may remember "Fire in the Sky," where Skyfire makes his first show appearance.

So, in keeping with the theme, a nice SNADdy song was chosen. We go all the way back to 1975 for this one -- Michael Murphy's famous song about the stallion "Wildfire," redone by a very gentle and warmhearted Starscream in "Skyfire."

"SKYFIRE"

*Stars twinkle in a relaxing midnight sky, and a few soft piano notes like a lullaby accompany them. Then the tempo picks up as a bass and an acoustic guitar strum out some peaceful feel-good progressive licks. A flute joins in, mapping out the melody, as some figures form visually. In the distance is planet earth, and the shapes of two Cybertronian aircraft, one much larger than the other, appear to be heading toward it.*

*An image of himself appears in Starscream's mind, of him strolling through a field of tall grass and flowers. As he goes over to pet some wild horses, he starts to sing a gentle 70's-style tune.*

We went down to the blue planet
A scientific mission called
With my buddy known as Sky-fiiiire
He stood so biiiiiig and tall
It's a shame he was a wuss...

*The flute melody partitions the verses.*

Then I heard some aeons later
With Rumble digging in the snow
He caught a glimpse of my pal Sky-fiiiire
Well who wouuuuld have known?
So I turned to Megatron...

*A tear forms in his optic*

We must rescue Skyyyyyyyy-fire
Rescue Skyyyyyyyy-fire
Rescue Sky-ay-ay-ayyy-ay-ay-ay-ayyy-ayyyyy-fire

*The flute melody plays again. This is a really sad song, folks!*

Though he was stubborn, I had told him
How to hate the side of good
Wish I had a brick, I'd smash it over his thick skull
Didn't expect none that he would
Join up with the Auuuuuutobots...
And now all of them... really love him a lot

And they were cheering Skyyyyyyyy-fire
Cheering Skyyyyyyyy-fire
Cheering Sky-ay-ay-ayyy-ay-ay-ay-ayyy-ayyyyy-fire

*Now the Autobots provide the backup vocals as they hail their new friend*

(Oh Skyyyyyyyy...) Oh, you will pay
(Oh Skyyyyyyyy...) I never really liked you much anyway
You dang bastard Sky-ay-ay-ayyy-ay-ay-ay-ayyy-ayyyyy...
(Oh Skyyyyyyyy...) You're weak, you know
Oh look he's goooone ANNNNNND crashed back in the snow
Where he's buried now noooo one may ever know
Cry for Sky-ay-ay-ayyy-ay-ay-ay-ayyy-ayyyyy-fire

*The flute melody plays again, bringing the tragic song to a close, as the scene of the Autobots mourning over the (apparently impenetrable) mound of snow fades to black.*

*Cliffjumper shakes his head in mourning*
"Skyfire," a very touching song by the Air Commander at number two. Starscream had quite a run there, but unfortunately he fell short of the number one position on our countdown.

Instead the honor goes to a tune devoted to Beast Machines -- more precisely, the well-documented relationship of Blackarachnia and Silverbolt. As you know, their Valentines crusade started back in the time of the Beast Wars and remained strong through just about everything -- Transmetal upgrades, Megatron's virus, and even a reformatting into the Vehicon Jetstorm. Ironically, it was when the two were reunited with no further threats that the real tension began. Perhaps ol' Birddog wasn't really fond of his new condor shell. Hell, I wasn't! Anyway, this filk pretty much covers all the bases, plus some.

So, since this soap opera was one of the most riveting things on Saturday morning television for two seasons, it deserved to be meshed with a song that everyone knows and loves -- Queen's 1975/1992 smash hit, "Bohemian Rhapsody."

*drum roll*

The number one song on the Top Ten Transformers Tunes countdown is "Silverbolt Rhapsody," by Silverbolt and the Maximals.

"SILVERBOLT RHAPSODY"

Look at this fly
Caught in a spider web
I should come to the rescue
Gotta spare it from being dead
Pull off its wings
Or feed it to my girl friend...

I was a bird dog
Simple as fuzors be
But now I'm all messed up, not the norm
Condor bot... or Jetstorm?
Stick me in the mud now
Doesn't really matter to me
To me...

Megatron
Did a bad thing
Took my spark out from my shell
Put it in the car salesman from Hell
Megatron
I served you once
But now your empire's going dowwwwn the drain!

Megatron, woo-oooo
I'm glad I let you down
You had some nerve to corrupt this noble warrior
You vile fiend, I have at you
Followed by some corny fanfare...

The Maximals
I'm with again
But my relationship's not the same
To B.A. abstinence is kinda strange
Screw you everybody
I'm going home
Gonna go into my rut and sullllk alone!

Optimus, woo-oooo
I don't need your correction
Flip my bird in your direction and say the hell with you...

*This is the part where Cheetor wails on the guitar*
*Now Rattrap on the piano* dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink

I lead the Aerialbots, show me some respect
Go vamoose, go vamoose, this song ain't even about you!
Take a mighty eagle, mix it with a beagle - ME!
Silverbolt! SILVERBOLT! Silverbolt! SILVERBOLT! Silverbolt, we love you so!
Wolf in the foooooo-aaaaaa-ooo-oooooold

I did wrong to Cybertron, you should not forgive me
We forgive you Silverbolt, give yourself forgiveness
Your mopiness is what's really bumming me!

Love is a luxury I cannot afford
Oh bull squat! YESSSSSS, you really should get laid! (Go get laid!)
Oh bull squat! You really should get laid! (Go get laid!)
Oh bull squat! You really should get laid! (Go get laid!)
Really should get laid! (Go get laid!) Really should get laid!
I never never heard him say oooooo-aaaaaa-ooo-oooooohh OH OH OH OH OH OH OH!
But my honor, but my honor
But your honor should get laid
That PURPLE chick, miles of legs and bod so slick
For you... for you... FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

*Everybody starts headbanging now*

So you expect me to come back and fit right in
Don't mind Thrust who still wants me to buddy with him
Woahhhh maybe
I think Nightscream's got rabies
That salad is undressed
It makes Ratboy grin ear to ear

*Now the wrap up*

I miss my sense of humor... jocularity
I miss my sense of humor... miss my sense of humor
JOCULARITYYYYYY... *An anvil falls on Silverbolt's head for ruining a perfectly good filk!*

Stick me in the mud now...

*The song ends, and Cliffjumper reclaims the mic.*
That is the number-one song on our top ten countdown, "Silverbolt Rhapsody."

There you have them, the Top Ten Transformers Tunes! This program was brought to you by Chlorostop, "for that unpackaged look," and the "As the Kitchen Sinks" twentieth anniversary DVD collection. Our production crew consists of Soundwave, Blaster, Jazz, Tracks, Wheelie, Snarl, Grapple, Red Alert, and Devastator. Executive producers, Blur and Blitzwing. I'm Cliffjumper, telling you to keep saving your money and keep buying those toys!