Ah dreaded writer's block. I have a touch of it hence the slow pace of my
updating so far, but never fear. I will think of something. Just not to
sure of some important particulars, I essentially know what's going to
happen. Hope people are enjoying it and all. I'm rushing the plot again,
but my impatience knows no bounds and I just want to get the story across.
Maybe someday I'll take the time to do it right but I am already more
inspired by some other projects (which I'll post after winter break) so I
want to get this one done somewhat quickly. My apologies.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, and I especially don't own Enishi. but wish I could. Or at least some decent sized pictures of him at any rate. Meh.
Chapter 4
Back to the drudgery of school, but now November seemed a bit more cheery and full of prospects than Kaoru had seen it as before. Monday was tiring, but that was to be expected. Waking up felt too early. It didn't matter what time, it was still too early. Wandering over to her first class, she didn't feel up to Latin today. Conjugate this, decline that. it just seemed to go on and on. It wasn't that she disliked Latin, she didn't dislike any of the things she took, but there was nothing she felt passionate about and she had taken a little bit of so many things. Latin was her foray into the Language department, and multivariate her attempt at Math, her other classes were similarly unrelated. Last year she had tried History, Computer Science, English, Philosophy, Economics. the list went on. None of it was inspiring. Even though she was almost done with all her university requirements, she still needed to start on a major of some type. That's why people like, well, everyone else she knew were so admirable. Megumi had medicine, Sano his activism, Kenshin his psychology, and Enishi had law. What did Kaoru have except a lot of loans and some interesting trivia knowledge?
It was lunch, thank goodness, and she jealously guarded her table in the café near the school cafeteria. She was in a corner and leaning against the wall, sorting out what she needed to do next in her head. Kenshin, spotting her, waved and came to sit down with her. He smiled in an adorable manner and asked her how her Monday was.
"It's a Monday, and I'm awake, isn't that enough?" Kaoru whined in response. Kenshin laughed. "At any rate, I'm just trying to catch my breath. Midterms were last week, after all. I'm still a little dazed."
"I know what you mean. My thesis isn't coming as fast as I thought it would. At this rate the data from my experiments won't be ready until the end of the month." Kenshin looked a little bit flustered.
"Did you have a good time with that Saitou fellow?" Kaoru was surprised. Kenshin showing any sort of emotion was always a shock.
"Well, he is always very much.. him. He always knows exactly what he is doing and where he is going. His conviction is amazing." Kenshin looked far away. "We talked about.. things. how did your date go?" Why did he look so worried, Kaoru wondered.
"It was a little bit disaster, and a little bit fun. It's hard to explain." Actually Kaoru didn't want to explain at all. If Kenshin had never found out about her date it would have been better for everyone, so far as Kaoru was concerned. With a burst of energy and, most importantly, distraction, Yahiko descended upon them. It looked like Kaoru wasn't going to have a quiet lunch. Smiling at the slightly gibbering freshman, she heard all about the funniest thing some teacher said and laughed despite not really listening. Talking to Kenshin about Enishi was a distinctly unattractive prospect. She had only been on one date with Enishi and already her life was shifting in new and frightening ways. A part of her had already dismissed Kenshin because he had not ever made a move and she had not told him she liked him whereas Enishi was new exciting and obviously interested. Then there was a large part of her that felt really bad about being, what she saw as, so fickle.
Lunch passed in a blur and classes too. Before she knew Kaoru found herself at home doing math problems and wishing that she were done with math problems. Her prayers were answered in a sort of backwards way when Megumi came rushing in. Naturally, it was about something stupid Sano had said or did. She ranted about his stupidity, his aggressiveness, the way he could not simply be normal for five second. This happened every week. Kaoru could almost time it by now. As strange as it seemed, her vague feeling of dissatisfaction and unreality immediately evaporated in the face of Megumi's weekly Sano bashing ritual. This was life. Nothing had changed so why was she making such a big deal out of it. All that worrying had been for nothing.
*
Enishi observed Kaoru as she sat down at a table during lunch as he was working on his laptop not too far away in the lounge next to the café. They had seen one another last night and to see her so soon after betrayed a certain desperation, not to mention it would look like he was stalking her. Even with all those reasons not to, he still wanted to. She looked so funny narrowing her eyes at people who passed by her as if they were going to jump her and take her seat away. Sighing, her face relaxed and she picked at the sandwich she had pulled from some plastic ware in her bag. He was glad when Himura sat down with her, thus relieving him of the indecision of joining her or not.
In fact, this provided new focus for his hatred. Funny, how he had to be grateful to the very bastard who killed his sister. Looking down at his hand, he saw that he had been clenching it so hard that there were red marks where his fingernails had pushed in. This was not the place to be to get work done. Enishi slammed his laptop closed and walked out; brushing past the annoying brat freshman that Kaoru often spoke with. He hated that freshman, and not for any other reason than because he had no worries about anything. That kid wasn't expected to carry on a family business, or revenge a dear one. What's more, that boy was on his way to talk to Kaoru. Why that rankled most of all in that moment, Enishi didn't dare to say.
Something about the day seemed stupid, and so he skipped his classes for the rest of the day. They were abominably easy anyway, and it wasn't as if the professors noticed if he were there or not. Instead, he got into his car and took a drive. No music. No distractions. All he wanted was to destroy something. Anger, usually coolly hidden, boiled just below the surface making him a very dangerous person indeed. To the quiet copse of trees he took himself, and once there he pulled a sword from a sheath built into the trunk of his car. It was large, sharp, and he knew exactly how to use it. He had specialized in all sorts of swords over the years, but he liked the solid thunk of sharp metal biting into something deeply. More often than not these days he imagined it was Himura. The thought made him smile. A sharp laugh cracked out among the trees, and he tried to perform everything with the precision he knew he possessed. After a little while he was sweating and tired. It had already been a couple hours. Being late fall it was already starting to get a little bit dark. Not that he had anything to fear from the dark. Something nagged at his mind though.
Once he had gotten into the car it finally struck him. Kaoru had lost her jacket last night because of him. It would only be the gentlemanly thing to do to get it back. Certainly it would ingratiate her to him all the more. As a calculated step it was ideal. Swiftly he made his way back towards the scene of their somewhat disastrous date, it would be better for all involved that he not encounter that man again. Kaoru was not there to prevent him from really hurting the man, just for practice. He felt quite at leisure actually, so it was not likely that he would start a fight. Almost a pity really, since he was all warmed up and limber. The bowling alley was open and a single game was going on in the corner; some high schoolers looked to be amusing themselves. No sign of the man from last night, or his crony. It was for the best. Enishi approached the counter and asked the man stationed there if there was a lost and found.
"I take it you came for the lady's coat." He did not look particularly happy to see Enishi, but he wasn't about to aggravate someone who had already proved to be somewhat dangerous.
"Yes, I trust you still have it here?" He put just a hint of threat into the question as he narrowed his eyes. Playing around with fools like these was a fun diversion.
The man cleared his throat under his breath. "Yes, just a moment." He went into the back and disappeared for a minute or two. Enishi pushed up his glasses with a finger and looked around the dingy bowling alley. Kaoru had a strange idea of fun. On the one hand it seemed as if he would have to put in hardly any effort at all to impress, but then the fact that she liked places like this implied that appearances might not mean as much to her as content. That would make things more difficult as things progressed. Oh well, he had confidence in his acting skills. The man returned with the coat. He held out the coat for Enishi to take, but instead of touching he Enishi merely stood there and stared at the man. Eventually the guy set the coat down in front of Enishi and retreated back from where he had gotten the coat. As he left the bowling alley Enishi snickered. People were so simple. Glancing down at the coat he considered its state and then decided to go to the dry cleaners before they closed. Kaoru would like his thoughtfulness, but it also meant waiting a day or so before seeing her again. Pulling out of the parking lot with a squeal, he made his way to the dry cleaners.
*
Kaoru fiddled with a math problem. It wasn't that hard, but she wasn't in the mood to really think about it and hence it was taking far longer than it should. It was only seven but so dark that it might as well be midnight. Even though tired, Kaoru decided that sleep was not the best option. If she slept right then, sleep would not happen for the rest of the night. It was always the way. Her body's biorhythms always seemed off a bit. With a sigh she took a sip from her bottle of juice and let her eyes wander around her room. Some posters here and there to fill the emptiness with color, a slightly messy bed, some clothes thrown around, the computer humming softly with the screensaver going, books and papers in piles around the room. not really terribly messy but most certainly not clean. Kaoru wondered what rooms said about people. Hers seemed to speak about someone who had a sense of cleanliness but no conviction to stay truly clean or let everything be messy either. Someone undecided. Bah. This was useless. Picking up a sweater from the floor and a scarf as well she strode out onto the street to take a walk.
It was probably not the best idea. She was alone, it was dark, and all the warnings of her father rang in her ears about girls who didn't protect themselves. Even though a vague uneasiness slid over her when she passed alleys, not much was out there that she thought was out of her power to handle. That's all that ever saved her confidence, was that she knew somehow things would work out. Blind faith, maybe, but she could live with that. Her steps were taking her in a familiar direction. Often she had stridden this way when she was bored or thought up some pretend purpose. Soon she'd actually get to Kenshin's place and then she'd need to have a reason for going there. She had maybe ten or fifteen minutes before she got there, so at least there was some time to make something up that was partially plausible. But even as she was thinking these things she knew that she didn't want to make up something. Why did she have to have a reason for going over there? In that moment she felt very stupid and childish. Maybe even sophomoric. Only Kaoru would find that pun funny, so she resolved never to use the word again in conversation.
Standing in front of the door to his apartment, Kaoru watched her breath crystallize in the air and dissipate. The knock she gave was sharp and almost hurt her hand. Things didn't seem right. There was a weird feeling in the air. Her instincts for these things were generally pretty good, but she never was able to predict what the energy was from. Kenshin pulled open the door and his weary frown was replaced with a smile.
"Kaoru! I didn't expect to see you. I'm glad you came though. Come in." Inside was so bare of clutter and clean. Kaoru felt renewed shame over her room. Naturally Kenshin would be perfect. She should never have wondered.
"How goes the thesis?"
"Long and frustrating as ever, but it will be done soon. I hate editing, I can never find the mistakes and then when I do they are so glaring.." He broke of with a chuckle and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't complain to you." Gah. He was apologizing? Sometimes this man was unreal. "Is something wrong?"
Normally Kaoru would have said no and made small talk again. But the strange pressure on her mind pushed a different response to the forefront of her brain. The guilt, the desire, the strange mix of admiration and consternation boiled up like a geyser that had been under pressure for far too long. And now she just popped.
"Kenshin, damn it, I think I may love you but I'm going to give up on you if you don't want me. I met someone and I really like them, but I have loved you for so long and.. Damn. I don't know what I'm saying." Her cheeks, red from the warmth after being cold for so long now became a bright crimson as she felt her whole body blush. ". er.." Kenshin's eyes grew wide and he froze in place. "I just wanted to know if you knew that I felt this way. I've been waiting for so long to tell you, too long really. I just don't want to have to make a choice. If you don't want me." Even saying those words hurt so much. This had been built up for too long. There was too much emotion and too much expectation. Kenshin sat down in a chair and seemed to zone out a moment, eyes shifting and mouth an expressionless line. Kaoru waited in discomfort for some time. When she got up to leave, she wondered if she would ever get an answer. Her hand twisted the doorknob, which was surprisingly cold.
"Wait." It was soft, but forceful. Kenshin's voice sounded strangled. Kaoru backed away from the door. "Please." Kaoru turned around and sat down again. Kenshin still wasn't looking at her. He was still looking at something far away, and probably long ago. Still unfocused and sad looking, Kenshin began to talk.
"I was so young. I'm still young. But I was younger than you. But then so was she. It didn't matter at the time. It was enough that we were together. When I was with her everything else didn't matter. I don't want to pain you with the details of my emotions as they pain me too, but it is enough that you know I really truly loved her. Her name was Tomoe, and I would have given her anything. I had been with her for almost a year. We had met so early and had gotten close so quickly. When she suggested a camping trip it seemed like a great idea. I had never been camping in the mountains before. She had though, and assured me she knew what we were doing. And she did know, and everything was fine. It was on the way back you see. I hadn't gotten new tires yet, and the old ones were pretty bald. The last freeze the night we left was such a bad one. I didn't have chains, but I thought we could make it if we just went slowly. But the incline was too steep. I could only try to not crash badly, but I couldn't even do that. We rolled down a good portion of the mountain before a tree near a lower bend of road stopped our fall. Smoke was pouring out of the engine, but there was no danger of fire. On the other hand, I was grateful for the smoke, because it told people where we were. There is no excuse for how badly prepared I was. The doors had been crushed, naturally, and we were stuck in our seats. The gear that had been in the trunk was scattered all the way behind us in a trail leading to our crash. She was so pale, and I think Tomoe had hit her head pretty badly on the window. I tried to wake her up, but she only mumbled about being sleepy. I told her she had to stay awake and wait for help. It was much too cold, and we were so high up, but the coats were hundreds of feet beyond the car and impossible to reach. I remember pulling at the door, but then I couldn't do anything. The wrist had broken when it hit the steering wheel when we had rolled down the side of the hill. I was useless." Then Kenshin began to cry. "Do you know what it is like to be useless? I was trapped, next to the woman I loved and unable to help her. It was only just that we both die, I thought towards the end. We had been there for many hours. The crash had been in the morning, but no help came until well after dark. I fell asleep before they came. It was just so cold, and Tomoe had stopped talking to me long before that. I tried to wrap my clothes around her, but taking them off was so difficult. but somehow I still managed. Maybe that movement is what saved my life. Ironic, as the point was to save hers."
Kenshin looked up at Kaoru finally. "I failed her Kaoru. My love died that night, next to me, preserved always in all her youthful beauty. How blue her skin was, and how black her hair." Kenshin was still crying but seemed to be ignoring that. "There was nothing left for me Kaoru. For a year or more I was dead inside. But you and Sano and all my friends were all so understanding. You didn't know about the incident. No one talked about it. At least never to me. It was like getting my circulation back. I felt human again."
"Kenshin." Kaoru was almost ready to cry herself.
"To answer your question, yes, yes I had a good idea that you liked me. It was odd at first to see it, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I let it go because I didn't want to deal with it and you weren't going to bring it up. But somewhere in there things got confused. I don't know how I feel about you right now Kaoru. I'm damaged inside, but I'm trying to heal. Maybe with time. but I just wanted you to know why what you told me isn't so simple as he saying 'yes I like you' or 'no I don't like you'. Is that understandable?"
"Perfectly." With numb nerves Kaoru got up to go. She was strong enough to walk out, and right now she desperately needed to walk out. Kenshin didn't stop her. That was most certainly not what she had had in mind when she went for her walk.
*
This resolved nothing. If anything Kaoru was far more confused than when she started out. Kenshin maybe cared for her, but maybe he was still too traumatized from the loss of his first love. If he did care for her, would she still want him knowing that maybe it was not out of a sense of true affection but possibly from the gratefulness to her as a friend. It was all very confusing and too much for her to handle all at once. She wanted to swear, cry, anything to make the bubbling mix of emotions simmer down to something more manageable. And then she thought about Enishi. That just made things a thousand times worse.
Enishi didn't appear to have the baggage Kenshin did and that in of itself was appealing at that moment, but then she felt like she wanted him just to escape the terrible confusion that tormented her mind. Beyond that, Enishi wanted her for her. It seemed as if her decision should be clear. She didn't need the emotional craziness that Kenshin stood for, but in running away she again came back to feeling like a bad person for leaving him alone with his pain. Kenshin had showed her something very meaningful to him, and didn't that give her more fodder for the case that maybe he did care after all. It was a terrible dilemma, and it didn't appear to want to afford a good option in all of this.
It was times like this she really needed to talk to Megumi and Sano. They would put everything in perspective. Hauling herself back home as quickly as possible she knocked on Megumi's door as loud as possible, just in case. There was some scuffling and a swear word or two, and then the door opened a crack and Megumi stuck her head out with a cranky expression on her face. However, as soon as she saw Kaoru her eyes widened and the door shut only to be opened a few minutes later and a bustling and clucking Megumi steered Kaoru to the couch.
"Tell." Megumi had never seen Kaoru this distraught. It was alarming.
"I went to see Kenshin." Kaoru began and Megumi's eyebrow rose in question. ". and I told him everything." Megumi sighed and hugged her friend. She had been waiting for this. So Kenshin's rejection had finally landed. "He doesn't know. He doesn't know, and oh Megumi there is so much more to it then that and I can't even begin.." At that point the stress finally got to Kaoru and all she could do was blubber. Megumi couldn't make any sense of it, but Sano listening from the doorway had a good idea about what had transpired. When Kaoru finally detached herself from her death grip on Megumi and wandered back up to her room, Sano took Megumi aside.
"She's really broken up. But I don't know what would do this to her. She's a pretty strong person. Kenshin really must have done something terrible. You can bet he's going to get it from me when I."
"You'll say nothing to Kenshin. You won't get involved." Sano interrupted her sharply and Megumi looked up in surprise.
"What?" Her eyes narrowed angrily at his sharp tone. She wasn't about to be ordered around.
"You don't know anything about this situation Megumi, and we don't belong in it. We are there to comfort our friends, but we can't so any more than that. I need to tell you a few things I learned from some people a while ago about Kenshin."
*
Enishi felt pretty good. The coat looked pretty nice, now that it had been cleaned a couple places stitched up where it had been getting worn. Kaoru would be pleased. Maybe she'd be pleased enough to let him get away with more than kissing her. It was horrible how his hormones were demanding that he see her. It was terribly illogical and made it difficult to think straight. The day was fresh and full of possibility, though, and even he felt optimistic in his cold, calculating, and poisonous soul.
He'd had a dream the night before. It was confusing. He'd seen his sister, but as always she was turned away from him. If she would just turn around and welcome him with her smiling face. he longed for her love so badly. Waking up and realizing that her presence had only been a dream had filled him with a frightening rage. He had thrown his clock against the wall and it shattered all over the rug near his door. Picking up the pieces one by one had been a pain. No one else in his house had asked questions. Enishi was paying the largest share for the house and most of the guys knew better then to question the enigmatic and powerful man who lived with them. After throwing away the clock and making a note to buy a new one that afternoon, Enishi was cheered by the thought of also picking up Kaoru's coat. After that dream he had wanted nothing more than to run to Kaoru, be held by her, and that was all. He had just wanted to be held. It was a childish wish. To want such a thing at this age, at this state in his mental development. it was almost worrying.
The quicker he used her the better, that's the only conclusion he had reached with any certainty. and even that filled him contradictory feelings.
"Damn you Kaoru," he said softly under his breath as he rubbed the sleeve of her coat. But he knew he didn't mean it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, and I especially don't own Enishi. but wish I could. Or at least some decent sized pictures of him at any rate. Meh.
Chapter 4
Back to the drudgery of school, but now November seemed a bit more cheery and full of prospects than Kaoru had seen it as before. Monday was tiring, but that was to be expected. Waking up felt too early. It didn't matter what time, it was still too early. Wandering over to her first class, she didn't feel up to Latin today. Conjugate this, decline that. it just seemed to go on and on. It wasn't that she disliked Latin, she didn't dislike any of the things she took, but there was nothing she felt passionate about and she had taken a little bit of so many things. Latin was her foray into the Language department, and multivariate her attempt at Math, her other classes were similarly unrelated. Last year she had tried History, Computer Science, English, Philosophy, Economics. the list went on. None of it was inspiring. Even though she was almost done with all her university requirements, she still needed to start on a major of some type. That's why people like, well, everyone else she knew were so admirable. Megumi had medicine, Sano his activism, Kenshin his psychology, and Enishi had law. What did Kaoru have except a lot of loans and some interesting trivia knowledge?
It was lunch, thank goodness, and she jealously guarded her table in the café near the school cafeteria. She was in a corner and leaning against the wall, sorting out what she needed to do next in her head. Kenshin, spotting her, waved and came to sit down with her. He smiled in an adorable manner and asked her how her Monday was.
"It's a Monday, and I'm awake, isn't that enough?" Kaoru whined in response. Kenshin laughed. "At any rate, I'm just trying to catch my breath. Midterms were last week, after all. I'm still a little dazed."
"I know what you mean. My thesis isn't coming as fast as I thought it would. At this rate the data from my experiments won't be ready until the end of the month." Kenshin looked a little bit flustered.
"Did you have a good time with that Saitou fellow?" Kaoru was surprised. Kenshin showing any sort of emotion was always a shock.
"Well, he is always very much.. him. He always knows exactly what he is doing and where he is going. His conviction is amazing." Kenshin looked far away. "We talked about.. things. how did your date go?" Why did he look so worried, Kaoru wondered.
"It was a little bit disaster, and a little bit fun. It's hard to explain." Actually Kaoru didn't want to explain at all. If Kenshin had never found out about her date it would have been better for everyone, so far as Kaoru was concerned. With a burst of energy and, most importantly, distraction, Yahiko descended upon them. It looked like Kaoru wasn't going to have a quiet lunch. Smiling at the slightly gibbering freshman, she heard all about the funniest thing some teacher said and laughed despite not really listening. Talking to Kenshin about Enishi was a distinctly unattractive prospect. She had only been on one date with Enishi and already her life was shifting in new and frightening ways. A part of her had already dismissed Kenshin because he had not ever made a move and she had not told him she liked him whereas Enishi was new exciting and obviously interested. Then there was a large part of her that felt really bad about being, what she saw as, so fickle.
Lunch passed in a blur and classes too. Before she knew Kaoru found herself at home doing math problems and wishing that she were done with math problems. Her prayers were answered in a sort of backwards way when Megumi came rushing in. Naturally, it was about something stupid Sano had said or did. She ranted about his stupidity, his aggressiveness, the way he could not simply be normal for five second. This happened every week. Kaoru could almost time it by now. As strange as it seemed, her vague feeling of dissatisfaction and unreality immediately evaporated in the face of Megumi's weekly Sano bashing ritual. This was life. Nothing had changed so why was she making such a big deal out of it. All that worrying had been for nothing.
*
Enishi observed Kaoru as she sat down at a table during lunch as he was working on his laptop not too far away in the lounge next to the café. They had seen one another last night and to see her so soon after betrayed a certain desperation, not to mention it would look like he was stalking her. Even with all those reasons not to, he still wanted to. She looked so funny narrowing her eyes at people who passed by her as if they were going to jump her and take her seat away. Sighing, her face relaxed and she picked at the sandwich she had pulled from some plastic ware in her bag. He was glad when Himura sat down with her, thus relieving him of the indecision of joining her or not.
In fact, this provided new focus for his hatred. Funny, how he had to be grateful to the very bastard who killed his sister. Looking down at his hand, he saw that he had been clenching it so hard that there were red marks where his fingernails had pushed in. This was not the place to be to get work done. Enishi slammed his laptop closed and walked out; brushing past the annoying brat freshman that Kaoru often spoke with. He hated that freshman, and not for any other reason than because he had no worries about anything. That kid wasn't expected to carry on a family business, or revenge a dear one. What's more, that boy was on his way to talk to Kaoru. Why that rankled most of all in that moment, Enishi didn't dare to say.
Something about the day seemed stupid, and so he skipped his classes for the rest of the day. They were abominably easy anyway, and it wasn't as if the professors noticed if he were there or not. Instead, he got into his car and took a drive. No music. No distractions. All he wanted was to destroy something. Anger, usually coolly hidden, boiled just below the surface making him a very dangerous person indeed. To the quiet copse of trees he took himself, and once there he pulled a sword from a sheath built into the trunk of his car. It was large, sharp, and he knew exactly how to use it. He had specialized in all sorts of swords over the years, but he liked the solid thunk of sharp metal biting into something deeply. More often than not these days he imagined it was Himura. The thought made him smile. A sharp laugh cracked out among the trees, and he tried to perform everything with the precision he knew he possessed. After a little while he was sweating and tired. It had already been a couple hours. Being late fall it was already starting to get a little bit dark. Not that he had anything to fear from the dark. Something nagged at his mind though.
Once he had gotten into the car it finally struck him. Kaoru had lost her jacket last night because of him. It would only be the gentlemanly thing to do to get it back. Certainly it would ingratiate her to him all the more. As a calculated step it was ideal. Swiftly he made his way back towards the scene of their somewhat disastrous date, it would be better for all involved that he not encounter that man again. Kaoru was not there to prevent him from really hurting the man, just for practice. He felt quite at leisure actually, so it was not likely that he would start a fight. Almost a pity really, since he was all warmed up and limber. The bowling alley was open and a single game was going on in the corner; some high schoolers looked to be amusing themselves. No sign of the man from last night, or his crony. It was for the best. Enishi approached the counter and asked the man stationed there if there was a lost and found.
"I take it you came for the lady's coat." He did not look particularly happy to see Enishi, but he wasn't about to aggravate someone who had already proved to be somewhat dangerous.
"Yes, I trust you still have it here?" He put just a hint of threat into the question as he narrowed his eyes. Playing around with fools like these was a fun diversion.
The man cleared his throat under his breath. "Yes, just a moment." He went into the back and disappeared for a minute or two. Enishi pushed up his glasses with a finger and looked around the dingy bowling alley. Kaoru had a strange idea of fun. On the one hand it seemed as if he would have to put in hardly any effort at all to impress, but then the fact that she liked places like this implied that appearances might not mean as much to her as content. That would make things more difficult as things progressed. Oh well, he had confidence in his acting skills. The man returned with the coat. He held out the coat for Enishi to take, but instead of touching he Enishi merely stood there and stared at the man. Eventually the guy set the coat down in front of Enishi and retreated back from where he had gotten the coat. As he left the bowling alley Enishi snickered. People were so simple. Glancing down at the coat he considered its state and then decided to go to the dry cleaners before they closed. Kaoru would like his thoughtfulness, but it also meant waiting a day or so before seeing her again. Pulling out of the parking lot with a squeal, he made his way to the dry cleaners.
*
Kaoru fiddled with a math problem. It wasn't that hard, but she wasn't in the mood to really think about it and hence it was taking far longer than it should. It was only seven but so dark that it might as well be midnight. Even though tired, Kaoru decided that sleep was not the best option. If she slept right then, sleep would not happen for the rest of the night. It was always the way. Her body's biorhythms always seemed off a bit. With a sigh she took a sip from her bottle of juice and let her eyes wander around her room. Some posters here and there to fill the emptiness with color, a slightly messy bed, some clothes thrown around, the computer humming softly with the screensaver going, books and papers in piles around the room. not really terribly messy but most certainly not clean. Kaoru wondered what rooms said about people. Hers seemed to speak about someone who had a sense of cleanliness but no conviction to stay truly clean or let everything be messy either. Someone undecided. Bah. This was useless. Picking up a sweater from the floor and a scarf as well she strode out onto the street to take a walk.
It was probably not the best idea. She was alone, it was dark, and all the warnings of her father rang in her ears about girls who didn't protect themselves. Even though a vague uneasiness slid over her when she passed alleys, not much was out there that she thought was out of her power to handle. That's all that ever saved her confidence, was that she knew somehow things would work out. Blind faith, maybe, but she could live with that. Her steps were taking her in a familiar direction. Often she had stridden this way when she was bored or thought up some pretend purpose. Soon she'd actually get to Kenshin's place and then she'd need to have a reason for going there. She had maybe ten or fifteen minutes before she got there, so at least there was some time to make something up that was partially plausible. But even as she was thinking these things she knew that she didn't want to make up something. Why did she have to have a reason for going over there? In that moment she felt very stupid and childish. Maybe even sophomoric. Only Kaoru would find that pun funny, so she resolved never to use the word again in conversation.
Standing in front of the door to his apartment, Kaoru watched her breath crystallize in the air and dissipate. The knock she gave was sharp and almost hurt her hand. Things didn't seem right. There was a weird feeling in the air. Her instincts for these things were generally pretty good, but she never was able to predict what the energy was from. Kenshin pulled open the door and his weary frown was replaced with a smile.
"Kaoru! I didn't expect to see you. I'm glad you came though. Come in." Inside was so bare of clutter and clean. Kaoru felt renewed shame over her room. Naturally Kenshin would be perfect. She should never have wondered.
"How goes the thesis?"
"Long and frustrating as ever, but it will be done soon. I hate editing, I can never find the mistakes and then when I do they are so glaring.." He broke of with a chuckle and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't complain to you." Gah. He was apologizing? Sometimes this man was unreal. "Is something wrong?"
Normally Kaoru would have said no and made small talk again. But the strange pressure on her mind pushed a different response to the forefront of her brain. The guilt, the desire, the strange mix of admiration and consternation boiled up like a geyser that had been under pressure for far too long. And now she just popped.
"Kenshin, damn it, I think I may love you but I'm going to give up on you if you don't want me. I met someone and I really like them, but I have loved you for so long and.. Damn. I don't know what I'm saying." Her cheeks, red from the warmth after being cold for so long now became a bright crimson as she felt her whole body blush. ". er.." Kenshin's eyes grew wide and he froze in place. "I just wanted to know if you knew that I felt this way. I've been waiting for so long to tell you, too long really. I just don't want to have to make a choice. If you don't want me." Even saying those words hurt so much. This had been built up for too long. There was too much emotion and too much expectation. Kenshin sat down in a chair and seemed to zone out a moment, eyes shifting and mouth an expressionless line. Kaoru waited in discomfort for some time. When she got up to leave, she wondered if she would ever get an answer. Her hand twisted the doorknob, which was surprisingly cold.
"Wait." It was soft, but forceful. Kenshin's voice sounded strangled. Kaoru backed away from the door. "Please." Kaoru turned around and sat down again. Kenshin still wasn't looking at her. He was still looking at something far away, and probably long ago. Still unfocused and sad looking, Kenshin began to talk.
"I was so young. I'm still young. But I was younger than you. But then so was she. It didn't matter at the time. It was enough that we were together. When I was with her everything else didn't matter. I don't want to pain you with the details of my emotions as they pain me too, but it is enough that you know I really truly loved her. Her name was Tomoe, and I would have given her anything. I had been with her for almost a year. We had met so early and had gotten close so quickly. When she suggested a camping trip it seemed like a great idea. I had never been camping in the mountains before. She had though, and assured me she knew what we were doing. And she did know, and everything was fine. It was on the way back you see. I hadn't gotten new tires yet, and the old ones were pretty bald. The last freeze the night we left was such a bad one. I didn't have chains, but I thought we could make it if we just went slowly. But the incline was too steep. I could only try to not crash badly, but I couldn't even do that. We rolled down a good portion of the mountain before a tree near a lower bend of road stopped our fall. Smoke was pouring out of the engine, but there was no danger of fire. On the other hand, I was grateful for the smoke, because it told people where we were. There is no excuse for how badly prepared I was. The doors had been crushed, naturally, and we were stuck in our seats. The gear that had been in the trunk was scattered all the way behind us in a trail leading to our crash. She was so pale, and I think Tomoe had hit her head pretty badly on the window. I tried to wake her up, but she only mumbled about being sleepy. I told her she had to stay awake and wait for help. It was much too cold, and we were so high up, but the coats were hundreds of feet beyond the car and impossible to reach. I remember pulling at the door, but then I couldn't do anything. The wrist had broken when it hit the steering wheel when we had rolled down the side of the hill. I was useless." Then Kenshin began to cry. "Do you know what it is like to be useless? I was trapped, next to the woman I loved and unable to help her. It was only just that we both die, I thought towards the end. We had been there for many hours. The crash had been in the morning, but no help came until well after dark. I fell asleep before they came. It was just so cold, and Tomoe had stopped talking to me long before that. I tried to wrap my clothes around her, but taking them off was so difficult. but somehow I still managed. Maybe that movement is what saved my life. Ironic, as the point was to save hers."
Kenshin looked up at Kaoru finally. "I failed her Kaoru. My love died that night, next to me, preserved always in all her youthful beauty. How blue her skin was, and how black her hair." Kenshin was still crying but seemed to be ignoring that. "There was nothing left for me Kaoru. For a year or more I was dead inside. But you and Sano and all my friends were all so understanding. You didn't know about the incident. No one talked about it. At least never to me. It was like getting my circulation back. I felt human again."
"Kenshin." Kaoru was almost ready to cry herself.
"To answer your question, yes, yes I had a good idea that you liked me. It was odd at first to see it, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I let it go because I didn't want to deal with it and you weren't going to bring it up. But somewhere in there things got confused. I don't know how I feel about you right now Kaoru. I'm damaged inside, but I'm trying to heal. Maybe with time. but I just wanted you to know why what you told me isn't so simple as he saying 'yes I like you' or 'no I don't like you'. Is that understandable?"
"Perfectly." With numb nerves Kaoru got up to go. She was strong enough to walk out, and right now she desperately needed to walk out. Kenshin didn't stop her. That was most certainly not what she had had in mind when she went for her walk.
*
This resolved nothing. If anything Kaoru was far more confused than when she started out. Kenshin maybe cared for her, but maybe he was still too traumatized from the loss of his first love. If he did care for her, would she still want him knowing that maybe it was not out of a sense of true affection but possibly from the gratefulness to her as a friend. It was all very confusing and too much for her to handle all at once. She wanted to swear, cry, anything to make the bubbling mix of emotions simmer down to something more manageable. And then she thought about Enishi. That just made things a thousand times worse.
Enishi didn't appear to have the baggage Kenshin did and that in of itself was appealing at that moment, but then she felt like she wanted him just to escape the terrible confusion that tormented her mind. Beyond that, Enishi wanted her for her. It seemed as if her decision should be clear. She didn't need the emotional craziness that Kenshin stood for, but in running away she again came back to feeling like a bad person for leaving him alone with his pain. Kenshin had showed her something very meaningful to him, and didn't that give her more fodder for the case that maybe he did care after all. It was a terrible dilemma, and it didn't appear to want to afford a good option in all of this.
It was times like this she really needed to talk to Megumi and Sano. They would put everything in perspective. Hauling herself back home as quickly as possible she knocked on Megumi's door as loud as possible, just in case. There was some scuffling and a swear word or two, and then the door opened a crack and Megumi stuck her head out with a cranky expression on her face. However, as soon as she saw Kaoru her eyes widened and the door shut only to be opened a few minutes later and a bustling and clucking Megumi steered Kaoru to the couch.
"Tell." Megumi had never seen Kaoru this distraught. It was alarming.
"I went to see Kenshin." Kaoru began and Megumi's eyebrow rose in question. ". and I told him everything." Megumi sighed and hugged her friend. She had been waiting for this. So Kenshin's rejection had finally landed. "He doesn't know. He doesn't know, and oh Megumi there is so much more to it then that and I can't even begin.." At that point the stress finally got to Kaoru and all she could do was blubber. Megumi couldn't make any sense of it, but Sano listening from the doorway had a good idea about what had transpired. When Kaoru finally detached herself from her death grip on Megumi and wandered back up to her room, Sano took Megumi aside.
"She's really broken up. But I don't know what would do this to her. She's a pretty strong person. Kenshin really must have done something terrible. You can bet he's going to get it from me when I."
"You'll say nothing to Kenshin. You won't get involved." Sano interrupted her sharply and Megumi looked up in surprise.
"What?" Her eyes narrowed angrily at his sharp tone. She wasn't about to be ordered around.
"You don't know anything about this situation Megumi, and we don't belong in it. We are there to comfort our friends, but we can't so any more than that. I need to tell you a few things I learned from some people a while ago about Kenshin."
*
Enishi felt pretty good. The coat looked pretty nice, now that it had been cleaned a couple places stitched up where it had been getting worn. Kaoru would be pleased. Maybe she'd be pleased enough to let him get away with more than kissing her. It was horrible how his hormones were demanding that he see her. It was terribly illogical and made it difficult to think straight. The day was fresh and full of possibility, though, and even he felt optimistic in his cold, calculating, and poisonous soul.
He'd had a dream the night before. It was confusing. He'd seen his sister, but as always she was turned away from him. If she would just turn around and welcome him with her smiling face. he longed for her love so badly. Waking up and realizing that her presence had only been a dream had filled him with a frightening rage. He had thrown his clock against the wall and it shattered all over the rug near his door. Picking up the pieces one by one had been a pain. No one else in his house had asked questions. Enishi was paying the largest share for the house and most of the guys knew better then to question the enigmatic and powerful man who lived with them. After throwing away the clock and making a note to buy a new one that afternoon, Enishi was cheered by the thought of also picking up Kaoru's coat. After that dream he had wanted nothing more than to run to Kaoru, be held by her, and that was all. He had just wanted to be held. It was a childish wish. To want such a thing at this age, at this state in his mental development. it was almost worrying.
The quicker he used her the better, that's the only conclusion he had reached with any certainty. and even that filled him contradictory feelings.
"Damn you Kaoru," he said softly under his breath as he rubbed the sleeve of her coat. But he knew he didn't mean it.