Chapter six: Campus Terror

The next morning at dawn, Lara was rudely awaked by a flustered Indy. "Where the devil
did you put my suitcase?" he demanded as he began tearing apart her room.

Lara sat up groggily as her kitty jumped ten feet in the air and promptly landed on her head.
"What the Marco get down, you stupid furrball!" she yelled at the frightened feline. Marco
slowly plopped into her lap and began mewing pitifully. Lara petted the cat consolingly as she
turned accusingly to Indy. "What's the idea of barging into my room at this hour of the morning?"
she asked crossly.

Professor Jones ignored her and continued his frenzied search. "You must have brought the thing
with you from Cambodia," he finally barked after he had succeeded in a complete trashing of the
chamber. "Unless you left it in the taxi or something."

Lara's eyes opened wide in horror. "Uh, oh."

"What do you mean 'uh, oh!'" yelled Indiana.

Lara smiled sheepishly. "That's exactly what I did."

Indy lunged at her, ready to kill her for her indiscretion when a look at her all-too-familiar face
reminded him that hurting her was the same thing as hurting himself. He backed off begrudgingly
as Lara apologized, "Look, I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy, which is a good
thing since you are my worst enemy." Indy glared at her until she corrected herself. "Well, what I
mean to say is I didn't do it on purpose and say why do you need a suitcase full of clothes that
you can't fit anymore?" she demanded.

"Actually, I was going to dress you in my suit and try to prepare you for my opening lecture at
Oxford," confessed the professor. "I will lose my job if I don't appear there today."

Lara tried to keep from laughing as she replied, "You are worried about me being prepared to
teach at Oxford? I've been a guest speaker there several times already, I think I can handle it."

Indiana breathed a sigh of relief. "You're sure? Oh, great, that takes a load off my mind. Now I
just have to worry about your attire."

Lara grinned impishly. "Oh, I think I can just pull something together. A nice suit, at any rate."

Dr. Jones smiled back at her and then turned to leave the room. "I'll tell Winston to hurry and
make breakfast for us so we can leave."

"We?" asked Lara in a voice of feigned innocense. "I assumed that the college had only invited
you to teach, not me. If that is the case, I, who am now you, at least to all appearances, should be
the only one to go."

Indy paused a moment to reason out her logic, and when he found it to be sound he answered,
"Well, yes, but "

"But what?"

"I had invited Katherine along to help me," sputtered Indy uncomfortably.

Lara's eyes glowed with envy which she strained to control as she said, "Well, couldn't you take
me as an assistant instead? Then you could be there to oversee my humble attempt at teaching and
no one would suspect a thing."

Indy looked suspicious for a moment. "You aren't trying to pull a fast one on me, are you?"

Lara put on her most innocent looking face. "What made you think that?"

"I know that you dislike Miss Steed," he continued accusingly, "so I thought that maybe you
were going to do something to her while we were at Oxford."

"How could I do something to her when I was with you?" she replied in a saccharine tone.

"I know you," Doctor Jones retorted, "you'd think of something. It doesn't take a genius to
figure out that you are pea-green with envy of her."

Lara's faced turned a most unbecoming shade of purple. "I don't know what you're talking
about," she countered in indignance.

"Oh, yes, you do," mocked Jones. "Your jealous of her because she's closer to me than you are."

"Of all the nerve!" sputtered Lara, her fedora quivering in indignation. "I wouldn't take you if you
were handed to me on a silver platter!"

"No, but you would dispose of a certain pretty British girl to get me." Lara raised her arm to
strike him, but Indiana foresaw her vindictive gesture and ducked. "You can't take a hint, can
you, Croft?" taunted Indy as he waved his auburn braid at her and quitted the room

**************************

An hour later, Indiana patiently waited at the front door of Croft Mansion for Lara to find and
dress in the "nice suit" she had promise. He, himself, was adorned in a trim grey business suit that
Lara had provided with him. His long reddish hair was still pulled back in a braid as he tapped his
foot in annoyance. Just then, Lara descended the grand staircase in a floor-length brown duster
which concealed the outfit underneath. Suddenly, Indy had a very bad feeling about the whole
affair.

"Why are you wearing that ridiculous coat?" he asked with a strange sinking feeling in his
stomach.

Lara flashed her wickedest smile at him. "Oh, you'll see . . ." she answered noncommitally.

If Indy had been in his rightful body at the time, he would've twisted her arm off and made her tell
or at least strip her of her protective coat. But of course, if he was in his rightful body, he
wouldn't be in this situation anyway. As it was, all he could do was grit his teeth and open the
door for the unruly tomb raider.

When they arrived at the large (of course) Rolls Royce in the enormous (naturally) Croft garage,
Lara took the wheel of the gorgeous car and Professor Jones climbed into the passenger seat.
Then, with another nefarious grin, Lara opened the garage door with her automatic remote
control and zoomed out towards the gate. Winston was waiting faithfully for his mistress and at
the sight of her, he quickly threw the switch that opened the gate. Lara sped past her trusty butler
and took a hard left turn onto the deserted country road. She was driving faster than she ever had
before. Indy grew pale as the speedometer rapidly passed the 100 and then the 150 kph mark.
Lara was enjoying herself thoroughly. Usually, she was very conscientious about the speed limit,
especially when driving her priceless Rolls, but today she was throwing caution to the wind just to
annoy Indy. She kept up this terrifying pace until she reached the campus grounds, thankful that
the bobbies weren't operative at this hour of the morning. After regaining his composure,
Professor Jones directed her towards the building where he was to teach. Lara obeyed docilely
and soon they were entering the nearby administration building.

It was at that exact moment that Lara decided to discard her heavy duster and disclose the very
familiar outfit underneath.

"You didn't!" exclaimed Indiana in dismay.

Lara merely smirked as Indy beheld his trademark leather jacket, beat-up slacks, and boots. She
was just straightening her fedora when an elderly lady approached the desk, a look of shock on
her face. "Young man," began the awed woman as she gazed at Lara's unusual attire, "you aren't
interested in taking a class, are you?"

Lara shook her head and leaned her masculine body on the desk. "No, but I might be if you're the
teacher, gorgeous."

Indy slapped his head in despair and attempted to exit the vicinity unnoticed. Unfortunately, the
woman cleared her throat loudly and motioned for him to return. Groaning, he meekly complied.

"Do you know this young man?" she asked earnestly.

"No," lied Indy as he made another break for the door.

"But I saw you two enter the facility together," remarked the lady in apparent confusion.

"What he meant to say was-" began Lara.

"He?"

"Well, that is he-"

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"No!" cried Indiana Jones.

"Oh, well, that's different, love," said the lady sweetly. "Just sign your name and what classes you
wish to take here and we'll inform you if any are available."

"But I don't want to take any classes!" protested Indy.

"Then what are you doing here, love?" she asked.

"I work here," said the professor. When the woman and Lara both gave him suspicious looks, he
corrected himself. "That is, I will be working here after today. You see, I'm Doctor J "

Lara cleared her throat loudly. "He means "

"There you go with 'he' again!" screamed the woman.

"No need to shout!" chided Lara. "I was about to explain that this . . ." She paused, thinking of
the proper word to characterize Indy in his present situation. ". . . person thinks that he or
she is me. So as you can see, it is really I who am to teach here. I'm Doctor Henry Jones,
professor of archaeology."

Indiana looked blank for a moment, unsure of whether to kiss Lara or belt her, but the dotty
woman at the desk knew exactly what to do. "Why didn't you say so in the first place!" she yelled
as she escorted the pair out the door and into the building where the professor would lecture.
"It's the second door on the right," she explained hurriedly as she ran off, happy to finally have
the odd couple off her hands.

Lara merely shrugged and dragged Indy to the afore mentioned door. "It's showtime!" she called
as she opened the door and barged in. Indiana grimaced, but wisely made no reply.

There were already several students seated at the desks, although it was still quite early. These
looked up eagerly as their new professor entered the room and were both shocked and excited
about what they saw. There stood their idol, handsome, strong, standing nearly six foot tall,
completely decked in his famous rugged adventurer costume.

An awed silence permeated the room. Lara quickly shattered the quiet with a loud crack of Indy's
whip. "What are you all staring at? Haven't you ever seen such a good looking body before?"
Lara stomped noisily over to a female student, who was primping her hair with the aid of a
handheld mirror. Without another word, Lara snatched the mirror from the girl's fingers.
Everyone expected Professor Jones to reprimand the unfortunate lass, but instead Lara gazed at
her reflection in the mirror and proclaimed in an obnoxious voice, "Looking gorgeous!" She gave
the mirror a sloppy kiss.

More students had trickled in over the last couple minutes, all staring agape at their teacher. Lara
clomped to the front of the classroom, still clutching the mirror. Not knowing where to put the
object, she proceeded to pocket it, much to the protestations of the owner. "Quit your whining;
you'll get it at the end of class," Lara hastily promised the girl.

Indy moaned, as if in serious pain, and all eyes turned to gaze at him. "This is Lara Croft, another
renowned archeologist," Lara informed the curious class. "Unlike me, who stupidly gives all my
archeological finds away to museums, Lara keeps hers in her basement."

The remainder of the class trickled in, followed closely by Katie Steed, the principal of the
college, and the superintendent of the district. "What are you doing here?" Lara demanded of the
three.

Katherine was taken aback by this abrupt behavior from one of her dearest friends. "I happen to
be a professor at this college, remember? And Mr. Kales, the principal, and Mr. Hardy, the
superintendent are going to watch your class today."

"Splendid, the more the merrier." Lara shoved the two gentlemen into chairs as she added, "Now
sit back and relax and enjoy the show." Lara tipped her fedora at the flabbergasted trio before
returning to the front of the classroom. Lara eagerly clapped her brawny hands together and
began her speech. "When looking for treasure, always expect some competition. Competition
comes in various shapes and sizes," at this point Lara began sketching on the chalkboard. In
several minutes she had haphazardly drawn a picture of a thug, Doberman, mummy, and a
mutated creature, which presumably was a human. "For things like thugs and Dobermans, a
couple rounds with a shotgun will put them out of their misery. You've got to be more aggressive
with mummies and mutations, so I suggest using an M-16."

The whole assemblage gazed at one another in surprise. "Are you really advocating murder to
these students?" Mr. Hardy asked.

"Well, only in extreme cases," Lara replied defensively.

"She-I mean, he doesn't know what he's talking about," Indy began, laughing nervously. "That
was just a poor excuse for a joke. Tell them you were just joking," he hissed at Lara.

"What's the matter with you, Henry?" Miss Steed asked in alarm.

Lara suddenly realized what a mess she had created in such a short duration. With a shrug of her
still unfamiliar shoulders, she returned, "This is how I always teach."

"I see," said Mr. Kales. "When we hired you we didn't realize that this was your criteria. As it is,
I think that we are all in an agreement that you are FIRED!"

Lara and Indiana both stared at the principal, not believing what they heard. Then with a surge of
energy, Indy grabbed Lara by the collar and dragged her out of the room.