The Swimming Pool
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
STAND UP ROUTINE
Have you ever visited a public swimming pool? Not a big fan. To me they're like giant vats of dirty bathwater. Thousands of people use these pools every week. It's bacteria soup. And all you've got keeping it clean is some teenager with a scoop on a plastic pole. Yeah, that'll do the job. And the chlorine. That kills all known germs. Of course, it also turns your hair green and makes you infertile. But hey, it's a small price to pay for wallowing in someone else's crud.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
How's it going with whatshername - Holly?
JERRY
We're on a trial separation.
GEORGE
You've been dating her how long - 2 or 3 days?
JERRY
She's got a funny name.
GEORGE
Holly?
JERRY
Her surname's Wood.
GEORGE
Holly Wood. It's not that funny.
JERRY
You don't understand. When she tells people her name they laugh.
As a professional comedian it's very off putting.
GEORGE
She's getting the laughs, you're not.
DOOR BUZZER
JERRY
Who is it?
ELAINE
It's me.
JERRY
C'mon up.
I'm having a meal with her tonight. Mebbe it'll work out or not.
GEORGE
Plenty more fish in the sea, my friend.
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE
You are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
JERRY
Do tell.
ELAINE
I planned this nice quiet romantic evening with Robin.
JERRY
The new boyfriend?
ELAINE
Yeah. Anyway, we're in the bathtub together ---
JERRY
Ah, bath sex.
GEORGE
A rubadubdub in the tub.
ELAINE
No. Nothing like that. It was romantic. Scented candles, exotic bathsalts,
Vivaldi on the stereo. Very relaxing. Then it happened.
JERRY
Robin fell asleep?
GEORGE
Vivaldi. One long snooze-a-thon.
ELAINE
He peed in the tub.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
In the tub?
ELAINE
In the tub.
JERRY
With you in it?
ELAINE
Yup.With me in it.
GEORGE
Omigod. This is huge, Elaine.
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
What did you do?
ELAINE
I got out of course. Took a shower. I had to get clean.
GEORGE
You didn't call him on it?
ELAINE
What could I say? 'Robin, did you just take a whizz?'
JERRY
Tricky. Very tricky.
GEORGE
He wasn't suspicious? Straight out of the bath into the shower?
ELAINE
I told him I was having an allergic reaction to the bathsalts.
JERRY
He believed you?
ELAINE
He's a man. What do men know about bathsalts?
GEORGE
That's true.
JERRY
Are you absolutely certain? Mebbe the water got cold and he turned on the hot tap.
ELAINE
No. I had my back to the taps.
GEORGE
Whoa! Time out here. You had your back against the taps?
JERRY
A man always takes that position. It's common courtesy.
GEORGE
He's a barbarian.
ELAINE
Have either of you ever....
JERRY
Never.
GEORGE
Does alone count?
ELAINE
George!
GEORGE
What? We're 80 percent water.
JERRY
90 percent.
GEORGE
Even better.
ELAINE
Why can't you wait until you get out?
GEORGE
Because I'm comfortable. What can it hurt?
JERRY
Basically your philosophy is if the toilet bowl was big enough you'd be in there with soap and a loofah.
GEORGE
So you're breaking up with Robin?
ELAINE
I didn't say that.
JERRY
Elaine! After what he did?
ELAINE
He has other attributes.
JERRY
Bedroom attributes?
ELAINE
Ye-ah.
JERRY
But this is how Hitler started, Elaine. As a young man he peed in the bathtub. Next thing you know he's invading Poland.
ELAINE
But the sex is so go-oo-od!
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Hey, paronas.
ALL
Kramer.
KRAMER
George, I got you the pen you wanted.
KRAMER HANDS GEORGE A MONT BLANC FOUNTAIN PEN
GEORGE
Hey, this is great. Thanks, Kramer.
ELAINE
Let me see that. (INSPECTS PEN) This is a Mont Blanc. Mr Peterman has one of these. They cost like hundreds of dollars.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. It's a Mont Blanc. Swiss. My friend Bob Saccamano has a supply.
GEORGE
It's not some knock off is it, Kramer? I don't want no knock off.
KRAMER
It's the real deal, buddy. Trust me.
INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. JERRY AND HOLLY, AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.
MAITRE D
Yes sir. May I help you?
JERRY
We have a reservation for 2. Seinfeld.
MAITRE D
Ah yes. Jerry Seinfeld and Holly Wood. Hmm. Holly Wood.
MAITRE D SMIRKS. JERRY SCOWLS.
CUTAWAY TO -
INT. RESTAURANT. JERRY AND HOLLY SEATED AT TABLE.
JERRY
You know, John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Franklin Delano Roosevelt had some great middle names.
HOLLY
I suppose they did.
JERRY
What's your middle name?
HOLLY
Orecine. It was my grandmother's name.
JERRY
That's what you should call yourself. Holly Orecine Wood.
HOLLY
Why would I do that?
JERRY
It's very fashionable. Catherine Zeta Jones. Jennifer Love Hewitt. They're all at it.
HOLLY
I don't think so, Jerry.
JERRY
No?
HOLLY
No.
JERRY
Damn!
INT.DAY. PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL. THE GANG, NEWMAN AND 2 LIFEGUARDS KELLY AND DARREN, BOTH GORGEOUS MODEL TYPES.
JERRY EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. HE'S WEARING WHITE TRUNKS WITH RED STRIPING.
GEORGE FOLLOWS. HE IS WEARING THE SAME TYPE TRUNKS.
JERRY
Is this meant to be a joke?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
We're wearing the same trunks.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
Don't you think it's a little...gay.
GEORGE
No one thinks we're gay.
NEWMAN PASSES, WEARING SHORTS AND A BERMUDA SHIRT.
NEWMAN
Nice trunks, gayboys!
JERRY
Newman! Who invited him?
GEORGE
I think he came with Kramer.
GEORGE WALKS AWAY
ROBIN, ELAINE'S BOYFRIEND, CLIMBS OUT OF THE POOL
ROBIN
Hi Jerry. 20 laps. New record.
JERRY
Oh hi, Robin.Great work.
ROBIN HEADS FOR THE LOCKER ROOM
ELAINE EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. SHE DOESN'T SPOT ROBIN. SHE'S WEARING A BLACK SWIMSUIT WITH HER HAIR PINNED ATOP HER HEAD.
JERRY
Elaine, Robin just got out of the pool.
ELAINE
My Robin? He didn't mention he was coming here.
JERRY
You don't think he...in the pool?
ELAINE
(SHOCKED) No! He wouldn't, would he?
JERRY
This is not a swimming pool it's an open sewer.
ELAINE
Ugh! I know, lets crash the kiddies pool.
JERRY AND ELAINE PAD BAREFOOT TO THE KIDS POOL AND LOWER THEMSELVES IN.
ELAINE
This is nice.
JERRY
Compact and bijou.
A SMALL CHILD PADDLES OVER.
CHILD
Hey lady, this is for children.
ELAINE
It's ok. My friend here has a mental age of 10.
JERRY
Very funny.
ELAINE SMILES SHOWING ALL HER TEETH
KRAMER EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM, SPOTS JERRY AND ELAINE AND WALKS OVER.
HE'S WEARING EXTREMLY SMALL LYCRA SPEEDOS.
JERRY
What the hell are you wearing?
KRAMER
Speedos.
JERRY
Aren't they a little tight? Kramer, I can see your boys.
ELAINE
Ugh!
KRAMER
Lycra, Jerry. Lycra.
ELAINE
Yeah, well we no lycra.
JERRY
You're developing quite the ready wit.
ELAINE SMILES AGAIN SHOWING ALL HER TEETH.
GEORGE COMES OVER
GEORGE
What's going on?
JERRY
I saw Robin in the pool. He might have, you know...
KRAMER
No way, Jerry. They have special chemicals that react if you do that stuff.
The dye stains your costume blue.
ELAINE
Yeah. I think I read that someplace.
JERRY
So there's no way Robin could have...?
KRAMER
Those lifeguards would have slung him out. They hate people doing that.
THE GANG MOVE OVER TO THE MAIN POOL WHERE THEY SIT ON EDGE, FEET DANGLING.
KRAMER
I'm gonna do some laps. (DIVES IN)
GEORGE
Man, look at that lifeguard.
JERRY
Wow. She's something.
ELAINE
I've seen better.
GEORGE
Elaine, she's a goddess. Like she stepped off a beach in LA.
ELAINE
It's a sunbed tan. Way out of your league though.
GEORGE
Way out of my league, huh?
ELAINE
Way way out.
GEORGE
Care to put money on that?
ELAINE
What, that you could get a date with Miss California?
GEORGE
Date, kiss, whatever.
ELAINE
Kiss? Oh come on, George. Please.
GEORGE
100 bucks says I get a smooch.
ELAINE
Fine. 100 bucks. If you want to throw your money away. Fine by me.
JERRY
Today or ever?
ELAINE
Today. I'm not waiting years for George to strike out.
JERRY
Looks like you got competition, Georgie boy.
DARREN, THE MALE LIFEGUARD, CUDDLES KELLY, THE FEMALE LIFEGUARD.
GEORGE
Mebbe not. Mebbe they're just friends. Colleagues.
DARREN AND KELLY FRENCH KISS
JERRY
Oh I think they're more than colleagues.
ELAINE
Oh boy. Easy money. I'm gonna do some laps.
ELAINE STARTS SWIMMING.
JERRY
Why, George, why?
GEORGE
Because she's there, Jerry. Plus I think these chlorine fumes affected my mind.
JERRY
You realise you don't stand a chance.
GEORGE
Jerry, my friend, you are underestimating the Costanza mind.
Suppose I pretend I'm drowning?
She's a lifeguard. She rescues me and gives me mouth to mouth. Bet won.
JERRY
Technically mouth to mouth isn't a smooch.
GEORGE
Then why is it called the kiss of life? Besides I'm 100 bucks in the slammer.
It counts, baby! It counts!
GEORGE SWIMS OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE POOL AND FLAILS HIS ARMS ABOUT.
GEORGE
Help! Help! Some help here. I'm drowning!
KELLY DIVES IN AND DRAGS GEORGE TO SAFETY. WITH GEORGE ON THE EDGE OF THE POOL DARREN, THE MALE LIFEGUARD, STARTS MOUTH TO MOUTH.
GEORGE
Mmmmf! Mmmmf! I'm ok! I'm ok!
NEWMAN WALKS PAST.
NEWMAN
Nice smooching, gayboy.
GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO JERRY.
JERRY
Not exactly how you planned it, Machiavelli.
GEORGE
I need my glasses. I can't think straight without my glasses on. I left them in the locker room.
JERRY
Glasses. That'll change everything. She'll fall at your feet once you're wearing glasses.
GEORGE HEADS FOR THE LOCKER ROOM.
CUT TO--
INT. CORRIDOR OFF THE POOL AREA. NEWMAN IS EXAMINING A CANDY VENDING MACHINE.
KRAMER WALKS PAST.
NEWMAN
Psst! Kramer. Come here.
KRAMER
Newman. Wondered where you'd got to.
NEWMAN
Notice the Hershey bars. They're stacked so tight they're ready to drop.
If I put a dollar in and someone was to nudge the machine...
KRAMER
You're right. Oh you're a sly one. They'd all drop together.
NEWMAN
Precisely. On my mark. One two...three.
NEWMAN PUTS MONEY IN. KRAMER NUDGES THE MACHINE. SIX CANDY BARS DROP.
NEWMAN
Success! Wait. I think I hear someone coming. Run! Hide!
KRAMER IN A PANIC RUNS AWAY. NEWMAN SCOOPS UP THE CANDY AND HEADS CALMLY IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
NEWMAN
Sucker! Hahahha.
CUT TO
KRAMER BLUNDERS INTO THE WOMENS LOCKER ROOM. A DOZEN HALF NAKED WOMEN SCREAM.
KRAMER SPINS AND IN A MAD PANIC EXITS THE BUILDING.
CUT TO
EXT. DAY. NYC STREET.
KRAMER RUNS ACROSS THE STREET, STILL IN HIS SPEEDOS, OBLIVIOUS OF THE CARS HORNS AND STARTLED LOOKS OF PEDESTRIANS.
INT. POOL LOCKER ROOM. GEORGE, SEATED ON A BENCH, RETRIEVES HIS GLASSES FROM HIS JACKET POCKET. AS HE DOES SO THE MONT BLANC PEN KRAMER GAVE HIM FALLS INTO HIS LAP AND BEGINS TO LEAK.
CUT TO--
INT. POOL. GEORGE EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. THE MONT BLANC HAS LEAKED BLUE INK DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TRUNKS, STAINING THEM BLUE.
JERRY
George! Look at your trunks.
GEORGE
Omigod! Kramer's pen. It must have leaked.
DARREN
Hey you! Short guy with glasses. Urinating in the pool is against the law.
GEORGE
No. You don't understand. I didn't...It's not...
THE LIFEGUARD GRABS GEORGE AND FROGMARCHES HIM OUT.
DARREN
Yeah right, pal. Tell it to the judge.
KELLY
Your sort disgust me.
GEORGE
No-oo! It was the Mont Blanc! It was the Mont Blanc! Kramer! Kramer!
THEY EXIT.
KELLY
Is that creep a friend of yours?
JERRY
Never set eyes on him in my life.
INT. CORRIDOR WITH THE CANDY VENDING MACHINE. JERRY, NOW DRESSED AND READY TO LEAVE, NOTICES BEVERLY, A PRETTY REDHEAD, HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE MACHINE.
BEVERLY
Come on, you stupid machine. Where's my Hershey bar?
JERRY
Problem?
BEVERLY
Yeah.I put my money in. Now it won't give me my candy bar.
JERRY
It appears to be out of Hershey bars.
BEVERLY
Oh great. And I'm out of cash.
JERRY
Allow me. Twix ok? My treat.
BEVERLY
Thank you. That's so kind.
JERRY
I'm Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld.
BEVERLY
Beverly. Beverly Hills.
JERRY
Right...Your name is Beverly Hills.
STAND UP ROUTINE
People urinating in public swimming pools. That's a big problem. They have chemical dyes that react when someone does that. But what I want to know is this - how many times does it have to happen before the plug is pulled, the pool emptied and refilled with fresh water? A dozen? A hundred? A thousand? Because basically what you have here is a giant toilet bowl with diving boards. 'C'mon everybody. Last one in the water's a sissy!'
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A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
STAND UP ROUTINE
Have you ever visited a public swimming pool? Not a big fan. To me they're like giant vats of dirty bathwater. Thousands of people use these pools every week. It's bacteria soup. And all you've got keeping it clean is some teenager with a scoop on a plastic pole. Yeah, that'll do the job. And the chlorine. That kills all known germs. Of course, it also turns your hair green and makes you infertile. But hey, it's a small price to pay for wallowing in someone else's crud.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
How's it going with whatshername - Holly?
JERRY
We're on a trial separation.
GEORGE
You've been dating her how long - 2 or 3 days?
JERRY
She's got a funny name.
GEORGE
Holly?
JERRY
Her surname's Wood.
GEORGE
Holly Wood. It's not that funny.
JERRY
You don't understand. When she tells people her name they laugh.
As a professional comedian it's very off putting.
GEORGE
She's getting the laughs, you're not.
DOOR BUZZER
JERRY
Who is it?
ELAINE
It's me.
JERRY
C'mon up.
I'm having a meal with her tonight. Mebbe it'll work out or not.
GEORGE
Plenty more fish in the sea, my friend.
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE
You are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
JERRY
Do tell.
ELAINE
I planned this nice quiet romantic evening with Robin.
JERRY
The new boyfriend?
ELAINE
Yeah. Anyway, we're in the bathtub together ---
JERRY
Ah, bath sex.
GEORGE
A rubadubdub in the tub.
ELAINE
No. Nothing like that. It was romantic. Scented candles, exotic bathsalts,
Vivaldi on the stereo. Very relaxing. Then it happened.
JERRY
Robin fell asleep?
GEORGE
Vivaldi. One long snooze-a-thon.
ELAINE
He peed in the tub.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
In the tub?
ELAINE
In the tub.
JERRY
With you in it?
ELAINE
Yup.With me in it.
GEORGE
Omigod. This is huge, Elaine.
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
What did you do?
ELAINE
I got out of course. Took a shower. I had to get clean.
GEORGE
You didn't call him on it?
ELAINE
What could I say? 'Robin, did you just take a whizz?'
JERRY
Tricky. Very tricky.
GEORGE
He wasn't suspicious? Straight out of the bath into the shower?
ELAINE
I told him I was having an allergic reaction to the bathsalts.
JERRY
He believed you?
ELAINE
He's a man. What do men know about bathsalts?
GEORGE
That's true.
JERRY
Are you absolutely certain? Mebbe the water got cold and he turned on the hot tap.
ELAINE
No. I had my back to the taps.
GEORGE
Whoa! Time out here. You had your back against the taps?
JERRY
A man always takes that position. It's common courtesy.
GEORGE
He's a barbarian.
ELAINE
Have either of you ever....
JERRY
Never.
GEORGE
Does alone count?
ELAINE
George!
GEORGE
What? We're 80 percent water.
JERRY
90 percent.
GEORGE
Even better.
ELAINE
Why can't you wait until you get out?
GEORGE
Because I'm comfortable. What can it hurt?
JERRY
Basically your philosophy is if the toilet bowl was big enough you'd be in there with soap and a loofah.
GEORGE
So you're breaking up with Robin?
ELAINE
I didn't say that.
JERRY
Elaine! After what he did?
ELAINE
He has other attributes.
JERRY
Bedroom attributes?
ELAINE
Ye-ah.
JERRY
But this is how Hitler started, Elaine. As a young man he peed in the bathtub. Next thing you know he's invading Poland.
ELAINE
But the sex is so go-oo-od!
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Hey, paronas.
ALL
Kramer.
KRAMER
George, I got you the pen you wanted.
KRAMER HANDS GEORGE A MONT BLANC FOUNTAIN PEN
GEORGE
Hey, this is great. Thanks, Kramer.
ELAINE
Let me see that. (INSPECTS PEN) This is a Mont Blanc. Mr Peterman has one of these. They cost like hundreds of dollars.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. It's a Mont Blanc. Swiss. My friend Bob Saccamano has a supply.
GEORGE
It's not some knock off is it, Kramer? I don't want no knock off.
KRAMER
It's the real deal, buddy. Trust me.
INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. JERRY AND HOLLY, AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.
MAITRE D
Yes sir. May I help you?
JERRY
We have a reservation for 2. Seinfeld.
MAITRE D
Ah yes. Jerry Seinfeld and Holly Wood. Hmm. Holly Wood.
MAITRE D SMIRKS. JERRY SCOWLS.
CUTAWAY TO -
INT. RESTAURANT. JERRY AND HOLLY SEATED AT TABLE.
JERRY
You know, John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Franklin Delano Roosevelt had some great middle names.
HOLLY
I suppose they did.
JERRY
What's your middle name?
HOLLY
Orecine. It was my grandmother's name.
JERRY
That's what you should call yourself. Holly Orecine Wood.
HOLLY
Why would I do that?
JERRY
It's very fashionable. Catherine Zeta Jones. Jennifer Love Hewitt. They're all at it.
HOLLY
I don't think so, Jerry.
JERRY
No?
HOLLY
No.
JERRY
Damn!
INT.DAY. PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL. THE GANG, NEWMAN AND 2 LIFEGUARDS KELLY AND DARREN, BOTH GORGEOUS MODEL TYPES.
JERRY EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. HE'S WEARING WHITE TRUNKS WITH RED STRIPING.
GEORGE FOLLOWS. HE IS WEARING THE SAME TYPE TRUNKS.
JERRY
Is this meant to be a joke?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
We're wearing the same trunks.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
Don't you think it's a little...gay.
GEORGE
No one thinks we're gay.
NEWMAN PASSES, WEARING SHORTS AND A BERMUDA SHIRT.
NEWMAN
Nice trunks, gayboys!
JERRY
Newman! Who invited him?
GEORGE
I think he came with Kramer.
GEORGE WALKS AWAY
ROBIN, ELAINE'S BOYFRIEND, CLIMBS OUT OF THE POOL
ROBIN
Hi Jerry. 20 laps. New record.
JERRY
Oh hi, Robin.Great work.
ROBIN HEADS FOR THE LOCKER ROOM
ELAINE EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. SHE DOESN'T SPOT ROBIN. SHE'S WEARING A BLACK SWIMSUIT WITH HER HAIR PINNED ATOP HER HEAD.
JERRY
Elaine, Robin just got out of the pool.
ELAINE
My Robin? He didn't mention he was coming here.
JERRY
You don't think he...in the pool?
ELAINE
(SHOCKED) No! He wouldn't, would he?
JERRY
This is not a swimming pool it's an open sewer.
ELAINE
Ugh! I know, lets crash the kiddies pool.
JERRY AND ELAINE PAD BAREFOOT TO THE KIDS POOL AND LOWER THEMSELVES IN.
ELAINE
This is nice.
JERRY
Compact and bijou.
A SMALL CHILD PADDLES OVER.
CHILD
Hey lady, this is for children.
ELAINE
It's ok. My friend here has a mental age of 10.
JERRY
Very funny.
ELAINE SMILES SHOWING ALL HER TEETH
KRAMER EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM, SPOTS JERRY AND ELAINE AND WALKS OVER.
HE'S WEARING EXTREMLY SMALL LYCRA SPEEDOS.
JERRY
What the hell are you wearing?
KRAMER
Speedos.
JERRY
Aren't they a little tight? Kramer, I can see your boys.
ELAINE
Ugh!
KRAMER
Lycra, Jerry. Lycra.
ELAINE
Yeah, well we no lycra.
JERRY
You're developing quite the ready wit.
ELAINE SMILES AGAIN SHOWING ALL HER TEETH.
GEORGE COMES OVER
GEORGE
What's going on?
JERRY
I saw Robin in the pool. He might have, you know...
KRAMER
No way, Jerry. They have special chemicals that react if you do that stuff.
The dye stains your costume blue.
ELAINE
Yeah. I think I read that someplace.
JERRY
So there's no way Robin could have...?
KRAMER
Those lifeguards would have slung him out. They hate people doing that.
THE GANG MOVE OVER TO THE MAIN POOL WHERE THEY SIT ON EDGE, FEET DANGLING.
KRAMER
I'm gonna do some laps. (DIVES IN)
GEORGE
Man, look at that lifeguard.
JERRY
Wow. She's something.
ELAINE
I've seen better.
GEORGE
Elaine, she's a goddess. Like she stepped off a beach in LA.
ELAINE
It's a sunbed tan. Way out of your league though.
GEORGE
Way out of my league, huh?
ELAINE
Way way out.
GEORGE
Care to put money on that?
ELAINE
What, that you could get a date with Miss California?
GEORGE
Date, kiss, whatever.
ELAINE
Kiss? Oh come on, George. Please.
GEORGE
100 bucks says I get a smooch.
ELAINE
Fine. 100 bucks. If you want to throw your money away. Fine by me.
JERRY
Today or ever?
ELAINE
Today. I'm not waiting years for George to strike out.
JERRY
Looks like you got competition, Georgie boy.
DARREN, THE MALE LIFEGUARD, CUDDLES KELLY, THE FEMALE LIFEGUARD.
GEORGE
Mebbe not. Mebbe they're just friends. Colleagues.
DARREN AND KELLY FRENCH KISS
JERRY
Oh I think they're more than colleagues.
ELAINE
Oh boy. Easy money. I'm gonna do some laps.
ELAINE STARTS SWIMMING.
JERRY
Why, George, why?
GEORGE
Because she's there, Jerry. Plus I think these chlorine fumes affected my mind.
JERRY
You realise you don't stand a chance.
GEORGE
Jerry, my friend, you are underestimating the Costanza mind.
Suppose I pretend I'm drowning?
She's a lifeguard. She rescues me and gives me mouth to mouth. Bet won.
JERRY
Technically mouth to mouth isn't a smooch.
GEORGE
Then why is it called the kiss of life? Besides I'm 100 bucks in the slammer.
It counts, baby! It counts!
GEORGE SWIMS OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE POOL AND FLAILS HIS ARMS ABOUT.
GEORGE
Help! Help! Some help here. I'm drowning!
KELLY DIVES IN AND DRAGS GEORGE TO SAFETY. WITH GEORGE ON THE EDGE OF THE POOL DARREN, THE MALE LIFEGUARD, STARTS MOUTH TO MOUTH.
GEORGE
Mmmmf! Mmmmf! I'm ok! I'm ok!
NEWMAN WALKS PAST.
NEWMAN
Nice smooching, gayboy.
GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO JERRY.
JERRY
Not exactly how you planned it, Machiavelli.
GEORGE
I need my glasses. I can't think straight without my glasses on. I left them in the locker room.
JERRY
Glasses. That'll change everything. She'll fall at your feet once you're wearing glasses.
GEORGE HEADS FOR THE LOCKER ROOM.
CUT TO--
INT. CORRIDOR OFF THE POOL AREA. NEWMAN IS EXAMINING A CANDY VENDING MACHINE.
KRAMER WALKS PAST.
NEWMAN
Psst! Kramer. Come here.
KRAMER
Newman. Wondered where you'd got to.
NEWMAN
Notice the Hershey bars. They're stacked so tight they're ready to drop.
If I put a dollar in and someone was to nudge the machine...
KRAMER
You're right. Oh you're a sly one. They'd all drop together.
NEWMAN
Precisely. On my mark. One two...three.
NEWMAN PUTS MONEY IN. KRAMER NUDGES THE MACHINE. SIX CANDY BARS DROP.
NEWMAN
Success! Wait. I think I hear someone coming. Run! Hide!
KRAMER IN A PANIC RUNS AWAY. NEWMAN SCOOPS UP THE CANDY AND HEADS CALMLY IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
NEWMAN
Sucker! Hahahha.
CUT TO
KRAMER BLUNDERS INTO THE WOMENS LOCKER ROOM. A DOZEN HALF NAKED WOMEN SCREAM.
KRAMER SPINS AND IN A MAD PANIC EXITS THE BUILDING.
CUT TO
EXT. DAY. NYC STREET.
KRAMER RUNS ACROSS THE STREET, STILL IN HIS SPEEDOS, OBLIVIOUS OF THE CARS HORNS AND STARTLED LOOKS OF PEDESTRIANS.
INT. POOL LOCKER ROOM. GEORGE, SEATED ON A BENCH, RETRIEVES HIS GLASSES FROM HIS JACKET POCKET. AS HE DOES SO THE MONT BLANC PEN KRAMER GAVE HIM FALLS INTO HIS LAP AND BEGINS TO LEAK.
CUT TO--
INT. POOL. GEORGE EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. THE MONT BLANC HAS LEAKED BLUE INK DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TRUNKS, STAINING THEM BLUE.
JERRY
George! Look at your trunks.
GEORGE
Omigod! Kramer's pen. It must have leaked.
DARREN
Hey you! Short guy with glasses. Urinating in the pool is against the law.
GEORGE
No. You don't understand. I didn't...It's not...
THE LIFEGUARD GRABS GEORGE AND FROGMARCHES HIM OUT.
DARREN
Yeah right, pal. Tell it to the judge.
KELLY
Your sort disgust me.
GEORGE
No-oo! It was the Mont Blanc! It was the Mont Blanc! Kramer! Kramer!
THEY EXIT.
KELLY
Is that creep a friend of yours?
JERRY
Never set eyes on him in my life.
INT. CORRIDOR WITH THE CANDY VENDING MACHINE. JERRY, NOW DRESSED AND READY TO LEAVE, NOTICES BEVERLY, A PRETTY REDHEAD, HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE MACHINE.
BEVERLY
Come on, you stupid machine. Where's my Hershey bar?
JERRY
Problem?
BEVERLY
Yeah.I put my money in. Now it won't give me my candy bar.
JERRY
It appears to be out of Hershey bars.
BEVERLY
Oh great. And I'm out of cash.
JERRY
Allow me. Twix ok? My treat.
BEVERLY
Thank you. That's so kind.
JERRY
I'm Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld.
BEVERLY
Beverly. Beverly Hills.
JERRY
Right...Your name is Beverly Hills.
STAND UP ROUTINE
People urinating in public swimming pools. That's a big problem. They have chemical dyes that react when someone does that. But what I want to know is this - how many times does it have to happen before the plug is pulled, the pool emptied and refilled with fresh water? A dozen? A hundred? A thousand? Because basically what you have here is a giant toilet bowl with diving boards. 'C'mon everybody. Last one in the water's a sissy!'
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