Ranma Nibunnoichi - Reflections
A. V. Morgan
Part Two: Stuck in the Middle With You!
The sky outside the Tendo living room was a deep, velvety blue. Genma had sunk meekly back into the koi pond at the sight of his dreaded master dropping in to dinner. Ranma lay twitching, sprawled across the porch threshold. Clinging to consciousness, he replayed what had just happened back in his mind. Kasumi, suggesting boy-type Ranma-clone bunk with Ranma and his father, and girl-type Ranma-clone room with one of the Tendo sisters, had set off a new round of chaos. The pair quickly objected, asserting that they would share a futon, starting the uproar at the table.
Genma was cooling it in the pond for almost validating the union of the clones and… Ranma scrunched up his face trying to remember. Sitting up, he slapped his fist into his palm. "That's right!" Happosai had popped in, burdened with a wealth of sexy lingerie, and the girl had sped off with the loot to try some on in preparation for her big night. Happosai had not even given Ranma a second look! "What luck!" Ranma picked up his bowl and resumed eating, delighted to be spared molestation for once.
"Ranma-chan! Let me help you into those silky darlings!" Happi cried.
As Happosai chased the girl up the stairs, Nabiki and Akane rose quickly to their feet. One with an eager look and her camera in hand, the other with a look of vengeful determination and a shinai in her fist.
"Are you just gonna sit there and eat while that wicked old man molests your twin!?" Akane dragged Ranma to his feet, propelling him along to aid in stopping Happosai, and the girl.
"It's not my problem! Why don't you drag him…" Ranma's male twin was suddenly absent from the table. Looking up, they spotted him following Happosai eagerly, ready to cast his vote for the best ensemble. "That pervert!"
"Hey! That's my line!"
The fiancées raced up the stairs, following the "perverts" into the spare bedroom. Happosai was proudly laying out lingerie as Copy-kun gaped at the sight of Copy-chan shedding her clothing with total abandon. Leaping into the room, Akane pounded the "pervert" male-clone, while Ranma tried to keep the other one from stripping down.
"When are you going to stop being a problem!?" Ranma demanded.
"Hey! Watch the hands, mister!" Copy-chan bonked him on the head.
"Don't get so excited! I'm pretty damn familiar with… Gyaaah! Cold!"
Happosai, having splashed Ranma, handed her a second pile of lingerie, "I knew there were two of you running around!" Happosai had blundered into the middle of Copy-chan's campaign to capture Ranma the week before, but had yet to learn how or why the kami had blessed him with multiple Ranmas. As far as he was concerned, there could never be too many of his favorite student! Always quick to exploit said favorite, he added, "There's no need to fight over them, Ranma-chan! There's plenty for you to model too!"
Akane turned, spotted Ranma with the heap of lingerie in her arms, and pounded her into the floor boards. Copy-chan stared at this with wide eyes for a moment. Akane did not even spare her a glance, raving at Ranma-chan, "This will teach you, you shameless, perverted hussy!"
Ranma reared up, bits of tattered lingerie hanging off of her battered form, "You sexless, macho, tomboy! How many times do I hafta tell ya, I AM NOT *LIKE* THAT!" Ranma, practically hardwired to return insults in kind, could not have said anything else, even to save her own life. Akane puffed up, balling her fists and hammered the disheveled red-head straight back into the wall.
"You're just as bad as HE is!"
"Who do you think you're talking to!?"
Copy-chan blinked, shrugged indifferently, and gleefully finished stripping down to slip into something slinky while Ranma yelled at Akane. "Kyaaa! This is SO sexy!" She twirled around and then froze in shock as something small and bony pressed itself into her bosom. "AAAhhhh! Getitoff, gettitoff!"
As Copy-chan's distress reached ear splitting decibels, Copy-kun snapped awake and lurched to his feet. He twisted and lunged in to attack, his leg blinking through space like a strobe light. An angry, black blur danced around the lightening series of kicks, then bounced into focus near Copy-kun's shoulder. Without hesitating, the boy dropped to his chest and whipped through a windmill kick, hands planted on the floor boards.
The kick launched Happosai at a wall, but the agile, old master rebounded, laughing madly as he pulled a second water balloon out of his gi. "Not too shabby, son!" Happosai crowed, dousing the boy with water. "Three of them! Oh happy day!" Rocketing in on sheer momentum, arms spread to grope the succulent bosom this excellent technique would summon, he crashed into the boy's hard, flat chest. "No! What is this!?"
In the moment of distraction, the boy perked up, and squeezed Happosai tight in a bear hug. He locked the old man in place, his gnarled old face pressed to the damp shirt to keep him from ogling his girlfriend. "Gotcha, old man! No way you're gonna peek on MY girlfriend now!"
Ranma-chan caught this out of the corner of her eye, her gaze hardened. While muttering about the "girlfriend" comment, she appraised the situation. Happosai leeched energy from his female victims, when he molested them. Happosai clearly had not understood that her clones did not share her curse, and had choked on the masculine energy he'd leeched from Copy-kun.
While the boy kept Happosai distracted, Ranma darted past Akane, snatching a blanket to cover the girl up. Akane had finally noticed the other red-head and used that instant to lunge forward with her shinai. Copy-chan sensed Akane's attack and dodged, unwittingly allowing Akane to get in Ranma's way. Ranma had whipped the blanket out to snare Copy-chan, and did not notice as it wrapped itself around Akane. Copy-chan, catching on to Ranma's interference, dropped into a leg sweep, tripping the bundled Akane into Ranma, who took the brunt of the impact, as both of them tumbled to the floor.
"Ha! You two couldn't work together to save your own lives!"
"Dammit! Copy-chan!"
"Don't mind me!" Copy-chan pulled down her eyelid and stuck out her tongue, as Ranma wrestled with the writhing mass of Akane in the blanket. While the couple untangled themselves from the blanket, Copy-chan quickly changed through a series of outfits, provoking an escalation of the struggle between Happosai and the boy. The old man was straining to get his face around to look, and Copy-kun was twisting and writhing to block Happi's view. "Oh! This is so nice! And this too!"
"Let me see! Let me see! Ranma! You are going to pay for this!"
"Stop wiggling around you old toad!"
"Oooo! Look at this!"
Nabiki, who had taken station at the door after Ranma and Akane raced in, kept the shutter on her camera clicking with glee. "You go, girl! Smile!" and Copy-chan dutifully posed for the camera. "Marvelous, now, turn to the side. What can I say, Copy-chan, you are a natural!"
Happosai finally squirted out of the boy's grasp and the two began bouncing around the room. Happi fumed, since he was forced to divide his attention between the girl's display and the boy's onslaught.
"Nabiki!" Akane sputtered, halfway free of the blanket, "Don't encourage her like that!" In spite of the struggling tom-boy, Ranma was making progress freeing her fiancée from the blanket, albeit becoming more entangled herself in the process.
"Akane, please relax for a minute," Ranma-chan begged, trying desperately to keep her favorite blanket from being shredded by the other girl's struggles. Akane did pause, not so much to heed Ranma's request, but to reflect on the observation that Copy-chan somehow managed to complete each wardrobe change in the instants where the old man and the boy kept each other distracted from her. Considering where Copy-chan came from, Akane found it hard to credit her with possessing any instinct or intention to preserve her modesty. Certainly not when the outfits seemed more sinful and shameless than abject nudity. Still, in the time it took Ranma to untangle them from the blanket, Copy-chan never once stood naked before male eyes.
As Ranma sped over to try and stop Copy-chan from continuing with her little fashion show, and Akane tried in vain to intercept Happosai, Nabiki continued to click the shutter on her camera. Nabiki noticed her little sister's attention was focused more on Copy-chan than the old lecher. "I see you noticed it too," Nabiki casually addressed Akane.
"Huh? You mean Copy-chan?"
"Yes. It's an ingenious strategy. She draws their attention to herself when she's 'presentable.' They renew their struggle and become distracted. She has a bit of privacy to change and then she starts the cycle again," Nabiki appraised admiringly. Granted, she chose not to mention that this strategy had not foiled her camera. As Copy-chan evaded a hammer strike from Ranma-chan, the Tendo sisters observed that the copy had also picked up the Saotome-exclusive, and technically "sealed" art of the Umisen-ken. Copy-chan suddenly vanished from view, followed almost at once by Ranma-chan's clothes.
"D-d-dammit! Now you're askin' for it!" Ranma-chan growled. Naturally, Ranma-chan retaliated in kind, and stripped the other girl bare using the same technique. At the same time, her Copy-chan extended the technique to actually dress Ranma in a stunning bedroom ensemble. Nabiki silently thanked the kami that she had upgraded her camera, holding the rapid-advance tightly. Copy-chan was able to dress the pair as quickly as Ranma-chan could strip away the lingerie. Under such circumstances, Nabiki set a personal speed record changing out the film in her camera, desperate not to miss a single frame.
"Ranma, you're just making it worse," Akane growled. Her own efforts to deal with the old man and the boy were fruitless as well. Happosai bounded around the room evading Copy-kun, and Akane was spinning in circles just to keep track of them. It was not unlike watching Ranma and P-chan fighting. "Leave her to me, and get those two out of here!" For once, there was no argument. Ranma-chan was happy to retreat from the humiliating onslaught of panties and bras and other unmentionables. That did not mean she was above taking advantage of her presently lingerie clad form to lure Happosai from the room, while Akane put up a screen to hide the other girl from view.
With a "Come and get me!" Ranma-chan drew the attention of old man and the boy to her. Looking around and not seeing the other red-head, they pursued her out the door and down the stairs.
It took only a moment for Copy-chan to notice her audience had rushed out of the room. Before she could follow, ostensibly to get Copy-kun's opinion on her current ensemble, Akane blocked her, "Hold it right there!"
"Why are you still getting in my way!? Huh?"
"Don't get the wrong idea. If you want to be molested by Happosai, be my guest. Just tell me one thing first," Akane crossed her arms and looked at her sternly. Copy-chan sighed and gestured for her to get on with it. "How can even a pervert like you stand to be wearing underwear stolen from someone else?" Akane demanded with a shiver and a look of pure disgust.
"S-st-stolen? As in, other people have worn these!?" Copy-chan gaped as Akane nodded. Copy-chan stripped off the lingerie, kicking everything into a pile. "Ick! Ew! Gross!" Before Akane could celebrate her success in stopping Copy-chan, the girl ran out of the room stark naked and swearing under her breath.
"Where do you think you're going like that!?"
"I gotta take a bath, you idiot! What do you think?"
"You freak! Put some clothes on!"
Copy-chan streaked down the stairs, ploughing through a shocked Soun and Genma, who were in full retreat from the mad dance that erupted in the wake of Ranma-chan, Happosai and Copy-kun chasing through the living room. Copy-chan vanished into the furo as Akane paused to check on the fathers. Each bore an angry red footprint square in the middle of their faces. Akane dragged the pair into the living room as Ranma-chan raced into the kitchen, barely ahead of the boy and the old man.
"Darling! Don't run!"
"Hotcha! Nowhere to run to!" Happosai cackled.
For an instant, the two unwittingly cornered Ranma-chan. "N-now, hold on a sec…" Ranma-chan tried to edge into reach of the kettle heating on the stove. The boy, thinking she was edging over toward him, moved at the same time as Happosai. Ranma-chan darted for the kettle and crashed into the boy's open arms. He closed them around her passionately, at the same time jerking the two of them out of Happosai's path. Happosai sailed through the space Ranma-chan had just occupied, and rebounded off the wall above the stove. He snatched the kettle as he passed, and tossed it into the sink where it cracked open and spilled the hot water down the drain.
"Good work, Ranma my boy. Now, just hold her still for me…"
"As if I'd let a pervert like you touch my girlfriend!" the boy jeered. Pushing Ranma-chan behind him, he raised his guard to the old man. Happosai laughed, still flying right at him. As the boy opened up with his amagurikan, Happosai handed him a couple Happodaikarin and launched himself over the boy's head at Ranma-chan. She spotted the small, dark blur and reacted instantly, whipping a large pot off the pot rack. The boy managed to catch the bombs and whip around, to throw them at Happosai, as Ranma-chan lunged with the pot, scooping Happosai and the bombs out of the air. The pot slammed down on the floor, with Ranma-chan and the boy hopping on top of it to keep the old man trapped. The Happodaikarin detonated in the confined space, throwing the pair back away from each other.
While Happosai could have danced around Ranma all night, two Ranmas proved too much for the old man. Trapped with his own bombs, he was fortunate to survive the experience merely blasted into oblivion and charred head to foot. Without a word, the two Ranmas moved as one, raiding the refrigerator for food and bottled water and racing upstairs to collect all the lingerie, wrapping it all up in a bundle with Happi inside. The boy pulled out a small hammer, as Ranma-chan produced the magical compact mirror she'd received from the man at Mirror Mansion. The boy bopped the old man on the head, and Ranma-chan captured his gaze with the small mirror as his eyes flickered open. With a whoosh, the wizened old master vanished into exile.
"I knew this thing would come in handy again!"
"At last, that pest is out of our way, Darling!" the boy snatched Ranma up in a loving embrace. Ranma-chan looked up in shock, moving into perfect position for the descending kiss. Akane appeared just in time to join Ranma in pounding the boy senseless.
"Bakahentai!" they chorused, stomping the poor boy underfoot. They managed to get a hold of themselves as they realized his continuing struggles were actually reflexive twitches of pain.
"That's two down," Akane breathed in relief.
Ranma-chan nodded silently and picked the boy up, carrying him over her shoulder. They dragged him to Ranma and Genma's room and laid him out on the futon. While Akane covered him with a blanket, Ranma went to her closet, grabbed some things from inside, and went downstairs for a quick bath. Copy-chan was sitting at the table, done with her bath, oblivious to Ranma-chan's passing. Male and dressed normally, Ranma returned from the bath a short while later, with a bundle of roses. Sitting across from her, he held them out silently, while Akane fumed from the door. Before she could storm in, Ranma held up his hand, holding her off. Akane puffed up, ready to bellow her usual challenge, as Copy-chan bent her head to breathe in the scent of the flowers and suddenly swooned. Akane paused, a glimmering of understanding passing through her, and raised an eyebrow. The roses must have been from Kodachi, to knock the girl unconscious like that. Akane deflated, her thoughts warring between the obvious fact that Ranma had come on to the girl, and yet in the process put her out of commission. Unable to conclude that he had done either the right or wrong thing, she simply helped drag the girl to her room.
"That's three," Ranma declared, wearily.
"I'm kind of surprised it's over already," Akane sighed, shaking her head. The two spent the next few minutes straightening up after the pandemonium. Kasumi had already cleared the table and cleaned the kitchen, while her sisters had been upstairs with the three Ranmas. Kasumi had apparently avoided all the chaos by stepping out on the upstairs porch for a bit of fresh air. Ranma sought her out to explain the destruction of one of her pots, promising to replace it the following afternoon on his way back from school. It was a small price to pay for getting rid of Happosai.
It was probably too much to hope that the clones would remain unconscious through the night. Nabiki would not have even covered a bet that the two would remain out of commission until the rest of the household was ready to turn in for the night. Naturally, Nabiki was hardly surprised to find the couple mooning over each other in the furo when she went in to take her bath. She surreptitiously snapped a few pictures and thanked the Kami that Akane had allowed Nabiki to bathe first tonight. Finishing up the last of the roll of film in her camera, she cleared her throat.
"It's probably a violation of some natural law that Akane did not find you in here first," she grinned, watching them both start in shock. It did not take much imagination to picture the explosion accompanying a visit from Akane. Shallow as their experiences were, the death-trap-in-a-dress with the hair-trigger temper, called Akane, had made an impression on both of them. Since her target of choice was Ranma shaped, it was not hard to classify her as a threat to their own well being. Most importantly, however, their privacy had been interrupted. Not feeling comfortable continuing their activities in Nabiki's presence, they tripped over each other to vacate the bath. Shaking her head, Nabiki shut the door after them and sighed, "Unbelievable. They're both just like him."
Shortly, as Nabiki rinsed the soap and shampoo away, and slipped into the warmth of the furo, Kasumi was trying to complete her chores for the night. Opening the closet under the stairs, to put a couple of small boxes up for storage, she was surprised by the sight of the clones furiously ablaze with tension, struggling with nerves and apprehension to consummate a kiss.
"Oh my! Please excuse me," she blushed, quickly stashing the boxes on a shelf above the pair, and shutting the door. Having averted her eyes at once, she had not noticed the two jumping apart, their hair standing on end, clutching their hearts and panting in shock. Entering the living room, Kasumi cautiously approached Genma. "Mr. Saotome, I really think you need to talk to Ranma's twins."
The panda grunted, his attention unwaveringly focused on the game with Soun.
"About what, Kasumi?" Ranma asked, rising from his spot at the table and facing her curiously.
"Ah, well…" Kasumi blushed and fidgeted uncharacteristically.
Ranma swallowed nervously.
"It's kind of startling. I mean, they are so much like you, Ranma-kun."
Ranma opened his mouth to protest, but Akane interrupted. "What have they done this time, Oneechan?"
"I think they are trying to make out under the stairs. Only, they don't seem to be doing a very good job of it…" Kasumi trailed off as Ranma and Akane rushed out of the room. It was hard for her to determine which of them had looked more disturbed.
Ranma and Akane found the closet door ajar as they approached. Looking inside, it was evident that the couple had fled after being discovered. They looked around the dojo for a while, trying to find them, but had little success. Ranma, reminded by his stomach that he had not finished dinner, wandered into the kitchen to prepare a snack. Turning on the lights, he spotted the couple in the corner, eyes closed and lips a hair away from touching. Ranma stood there for a moment in a kind of shock. With one eye twitching, he struggled with a feeling he could not describe. It was if he was standing outside of himself, trying to stop what was happening by sheer will, but at the same time feeling a perverse fascination. He could feel their chi billowing around them like a furnace. The harder they tried to close the distance, the more powerful the energy surrounding them. It was like they were trying to force two magnets together the wrong way.
Finally he could not take it. He grabbed the girl and whipped her around to face him. "What's with you? You didn't have any problems kissing Ryouga!" he accused. The couple blinked at him in confusion.
"Are you trying to encourage her!?" Akane pounded Ranma to the floor.
"That's not it at all!" he raged, rebounding instantly.
"Seemed like it to me," the clones muttered, mystified.
"You stay out of this!" Akane and Ranma growled.
The couple slipped away as Akane and Ranma continued shouting at each other. Even when they slipped outside they could still hear the quarrel. The exchange quickly devolved into insults and violence, followed by a silence punctuated by Akane stomping up to her room. Unconcerned, the couple sought out a private perch on top of the house, determined to get on with "binding" as Copy-chan so eloquently put it. Just as the clones were trying to get back into the mood, Ranma turned up on the roof. Ranma took one look at the two of them and finally lost it. Whipping the compact mirror out of his shirt, he advanced on them. "That does it. If the two of you don't break it up this instant, and go to your rooms, one of you is going inside this with Happosai for the rest of the week!"
"Ha! We know all about that trap, Ranma! You'll never trick us into it!"
The clones took up guard positions against Ranma, waiting for him to make the first move. He bit his lip, cursing himself silently. He felt confident he could trick one of them into the mirror. As his copies, he knew exactly what they were capable of, and no one could know him better than he knew himself. He tucked the compact away and stared them both down.
Without warning, he darted in close, a careful strategy of thrusts and feints exploded from him, as he forced the other two into motion. He knew that they would try to trump this threat by taking the compact from him. Which was why he had carefully palmed it. When they tried to retrieve it from where they thought it was, during the fight, they would open themselves up for an instant. Apart from taking advantage of these openings, he was fighting almost entirely defensively. The battle coursed between the roof, nearby trees and the compound wall. None of them attempted to leave the immediate premises. The rest of the household quickly came out onto the porch to see what the commotion was, and from the shouts, threats and insults, realized that Ranma was trying to capture one of the clones in the compact. To everyone's surprise, Ranma was the only one getting in clean hits, playing his strategy perfectly to his advantage. Unfortunately, Akane decided to jump in and help him. As she did, the clones changed their strategy subtly.
They had determined that Ranma had palmed the mirror. They continued their probing thrusts. Trying to end the fight before Akane got hurt, or distracted him, Ranma took the opening his clone set him up for, producing the mirror and flipping it open, lightening fast, to catch boy's gaze. The boy, prepared for this, moved his hand just before Ranma, and caught him by the wrist, twisting it to break his hold on the mirror. Catching the mirror in the same movement, he flipped it around in Ranma's face.
"Oh man!" he barely got out, before being sucked into the mirror.