The Attack of that Which Clings
Obviously The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is not copyrighted to me. Gundam Wing is also not copyrighted to me.
This was written both by Shadow and myself.
It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the birds were singing and that horrible thing was prancing down the road. Yes….that thing was the dreaded and most feared name in the Gundaming…(is that a word?) world. You Know Who. Relena Peacecraft.
All the neighbors hid inside their houses praying to God she'd be shot or killed in some not-so-accidental-car-accident. Unfortunately everyone else valued his or her cars too much for this. It was as this obscene creature was skipping down the road, repulsive pink dress floating behind her like a scene from a bad Brittany Spears movie when there was a flash…and she was gone. There was great rejoicing on all of earth. Unfortunately, the problem had not disappeared, only relocated herself for now she had appeared on Middle-Earth.
"How far to the next crossing?"
"Buckleberry Bridge, twenty miles."
"Ohmygod! What's THAT?"
Relena groaned and opened her eyes. It was dark out and squinting she could just make out for shapes all huddled on the far side of a raft. A raft? Relena sat up quickly, causing the raft to tilt dangerously…actually it was because the hobbits had all gathered on the other end trying to save themselves from the horror that had just appeared on their cozy raft.
What ensued happened to be meeting some king, getting chased by cloaks riding horses and Frodo being mortally wounded. Also Gandalf flies away on some eagle and they make it to Rivendell with Relena attached to Aragorn's leg for the duration of the trip. Obviously there's nothing important here so let's just skip to the part where Legolas comes in, as he's the most important part of this story.
Relena's eyes widened. Obviously this elf was a re-incarnation of her true love, Heero Yuy. With a cry she attached herself to Legolas' leg and wept. "Heero! Thank goodness! You will help me stop this war!"
Legolas looked amused for a split second, but than, upon feeling the terrible power radiating from this human he began to shake his leg violently to rid it of the scum. "Ai, ai!" He cried in distress. "A Balrog, a Balrog is come! I did not expect this one to be the fell voice on the air, it has attached itself to me like Sam is to Frodo!"
"That is not a Balrog, fool. `Tis worse, `tis a Peacecraft! Besides," Gandalf whispered. "That's not until later in the story."
The others looked on, horrified until Aragorn bravest of the Men spoke. "Do not distress, Master Elf. She will eventually release her devastating grip." Aragorn assured the trembling elf upon seeing Legolas depressing fate.
"And how would the likes of you know?" Boromir snapped.
"Well, she was attached to me earlier," Aragorn shrugged. "But then she saw pretty-boy here and POOF!" He snapped his fingers. "Instant transmission."
Elrond looked upon Aragorn with awe. Well as much awe as an elf lord can muster up for a mere human. "You managed the lonely track to Rivendell with that "beast" attached to your leg?"
Aragorn nodded. "Yes. But upon finding one more beautiful than I she has relinquished her hold."
Obviously there was no one prettier than Legolas and he knew it. The elf looked like he was about to cry. Of course he couldn't because his mascara would run.
Elrond smiled to himself; for once in his long immortal life he was glad that Legolas' beauty surpassed him.
The hobbits could just see Elrond's inner child jumping up and down with joy that the "beast" wasn't attached to him. But then Legolas inner child was sobbing wildly, because of course, his inner child wasn't wearing makeup and could cry as much as it desired. Frodo decided he should wear sunglasses; he dare not risk accidental charm. That was courting death. Unfortunately, sunglasses had not yet been invented so he settled for peeking between his hands.
Elrond had now overcome his un-elfish glee and he settled for business. "Frodo! Bring forth the ring!" He gestured to the stone pillar. Frodo, with one hand over his eyes, stumbled up to the pillar, bumped into it because he couldn't see anything, and dropped the ring onto it before returning to his seat.
Legolas, accepting his fate, dropped into a chair, extending his left leg as far away from his as possible. It was decided through a series of screaming and fighting in which Legolas was forced to get up and yell at some people which caused Relena to grip him tighter that the council decided the ring had to be destroyed. Legolas passed out because he couldn't bend his legs and since he was the prettiest they volunteered him to help take the ring to Mount Doom. Frodo obviously had to come because he had pretty blue eyes and Aragorn had to come because he could resist the ring and the pretty blue eyes. Boromir came because he couldn't resist the pretty blue eyes and Gandalf came because he knew the way. Gimli came because Gandalf didn't want to be the only one with a long beard and Sam, Merry, and Pippin came because they had nothing better to do.
So the Fellowship set out for Mordor, along the way Bill the pony kept disappearing and reappearing. Sam explained that even horses so steadfast as Bill needed to eat and take care of *ahem* their business. Half way to Mordor as they walk by the Misty Mountains Bilbo appears on a magic carpet yelling something about a missed scene. After this yelling he gives Frodo a mithril coat and Sting, his old sword. He also gives Frodo a gauze blindfold so he doesn't have to cover his eyes.
Legolas bears is suffering in silence until a bunch of birds come flying out of nowhere and than he breaks to silence to tell everyone to hide. It doesn't matter though because the birds, upon seeing Relena flee.
So the Fellowship attempts the Pass of Cahadras. The "beast" was getting a free ride up the mountain as it was still stuck fast to Legolas' leg. The rest of the Fellowship envied her for obvious reasons. The elf was limping his way up the mountain slowly, pausing every now and than to stamp his left leg as hard as he could to sink it below the snow in a vain attempt to drown his burden. Frodo secretly hoped Relena would catch Hypothermia so he could attach himself to that beautiful leg instead. Alas, the elf's efforts were all unsuccessful.
Unfortunately Sauruman was bored so he decided to see how many mountains he could topple. By a stroke of bad luck one of the mountains he did succeed in breaking was the very mountain the Fellowship was on. Go figure. So, after being buried by snow and after Legolas had attempted suicide by attempting to leap from the mountain the Fellowship moved on to Moria because it was closest. Frodo should have decided but he couldn't talk because Aragorn who was clutching him had cut off his air supply.
When they were at Moria (which looked suspiciously like something from Jurassic Park) Sam glomped himself onto Bill the pony crying and sobbing. Aragorn pretended to feel sorry for him so that the people would pay him more and after much sadness Bill was released into the wilderness. Actually he wasn't, the squid thing in the water ate him but for Sam's sake HE WAS RELEASED INTO THE WILDERNESS!
After this brief struggle there was more waiting as the old far-I mean Gandalf tried to decode the riddle written on the big stone door to Moria. After a while the Fellowship, attempting to drown their fears got drunk and by a pure stroke of brilliant luck, Frodo started to sing 'Make New Friends But Keep the Old' in elvish. We don't know where he learned either the elvish or the song but the door opened and it was like a scene from an Aladdin movie.
It should have been full of dwarves but it was a tomb and not a mine (According to Boromir) and Gandalf told them to get out. It was at that moment that the squid thing that ate Bill but we won't say it ate Bill grabbed Frodo by the leg and swung him in the air. A fierce battle ensued, Legolas, seeing his chance leapt into the fray to see if the creature would pry off the "beast." And lo and behold, it did. For a moment, than, as if burned, it dropped the freak who scurried back over to Legolas and reattached herself. In that second Legolas had felt a moment of pure happiness and in one great burst his soul left him. Oh wait, wrong series. Forget that soul part. Anyway. The Fellowship managed to get Frodo back and shoot the Guardian of the Water. The Guardian didn't really care; it'd gotten to feel up the hobbit with striking blue eyes, that was enough for it.
Once inside Moria they all pick their way through dead bodies. Gimli starts to cry when he finds the tomb of Balin inside the mines. He is in such a grief that he throws himself down a well and makes a horrible noise as he falls. Pippin watches him fall with great interest, than turning to Gandalf says.
"Wasn't that…my line?"
Gandalf shrugs. "Let's just pretend that was a bucket and a corpse."
"Kay."
"Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
"Kay."
Merry saves Pippin just as he is about to hurl himself over the edge.
Than they hear a low rumbling sound. Legolas stares at Boromir accusingly. Boromir growls. "It's not me, I didn't have the burrito, Gimli did."
"They are coming." Pronounces Gandalf softly.
Frodo looks up, his gauze, lost in the fight with the monster does not protect his striking blue eyes that almost seem to glow in the dark. "Who is coming?"
"I don't know who…I'm just paid to say these lines, not understand them!" Gandalf snaps. Than he realizes the glowing isn't Frodo's eyes, it is Sting.
"Orcs!" Legolas whispered from where he was banging his Relena-burdened leg against a wall. He had done all he could to pry the "beast" off but even if he did manage to do this it'd probably mean sacrificing his leg. Besides, she'd just attach herself to his other leg if he did succeed.
Acting like a well-oiled tricycle, Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas secured the door as best they could and stood back, ready as ever except for Relena who kept muttering about doing things to Legolas little boys and girls shouldn't hear.
With a splintering of wood the door burst open to reveal a horde of orcs. They attacked but the Fellowship attacked with even more ferocity. Gandalf was like a whirlwind of beard and whacking stick thing and Aragorn flew through the orcs like a spoon through applesauce. Legolas was whipping out arrows faster than Goku can whip out chopsticks and you gotta admit, that's pretty darn fast. The hobbits, despite their size attacked at will and than, big daddy came.
With a roar the cave troll thundered in upon them. He ran all over wrecking havoc and than, charged Aragorn and Frodo. Knocking the future king aside he picked Aragorn's spear and drove it through Frodo's heart. The skies darkened and the earth split while fire fell from the clouds. Ok. Actually he didn't die, but it looked darn well like he did and so everyone got mad and beat even more butt.
Legolas, though moving for two bodies and not one, was an elf and was not much hindered by Relena's weight. He jumped upon the monster to shoot it but Relena's touch was enough and the troll dropped dead at his feet. Legolas stifled the strange urge to laugh hysterically and leapt lightly down to see if the hole that was probably in Frodo's chest was big enough to see through.
To his not-so-great surprise (because elves know all) Frodo was alive. And those beautiful blue babies opened up to look innocently at the Fellowship.
"I'm ok, I'm not hurt!" He gasped, grasping Aragorn in a way that made Boromir jealous. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. (If you've read the secret diaries fics you'll know what I mean) Boromir pouted to himself as he watched Aragorn help Frodo up. His thoughts were interrupted when a pounding a shrieking came from below. More of the savages were approaching.
Gandalf looked up than took off at a run, totally skipping the scene where Eli-ahem, Frodo unbuttons his shirt to show the camera mithril and his sexy body. Boromir is disappointed. Legolas is still trying to shake the "beast" off of his leg and Aragorn is dragging all of the hobbits along with him at a run. Unfortunately they are surrounded, Legolas and his long beautiful legs might have escaped but for the clinging Relena. At the moment when all hope seemed lost, more hope was lost because a big sound came that scared the orcs away.
"This is beyond all of you! Run!" Gandalf cried after he had spent five minutes of their time they could have used to escape by rattling on about some demon. The Fellowship ran to the bridge of Khazad-dum. But it seemed it was too late. The Balrog was upon them. Gandalf nudged Legolas.
"Psst! THIS is when you say your line!"
Legolas brightened than cried. "Ai! Ai! A Balrog is come!" Than, looking down he said. "Well…ANOTHER one has come at least."
At that moment Gandalf suffered from a fatal heart attack and clutching at his chest fell into the shadow. Off stage there was the sound of Peter Jackson cursing and yelling that they needed a new Gandalf when the Balrog attacked!
Legolas, seeing another suicide chance, leapt at the Balrog and extending his leg smashed into its fires. Instead of burning up, Legolas was hurled back. There was a pained howl as the Balrog, clutching itself where Legolas' Relena-tainted leg had hit (it was in the groin area) fell backwards into the abyss. Gandalf's voice echoed upwards.
"Fly you fool!" The Fellowship took off at a run, mistaking Gandalf's words. For the wizard had been addressing the Balrog who obviously had wings. The demon, however, was far too dense to realize this and fell down with Gandalf into the shadow probably crushing the old git. There was grief for Gandalf's staff was pretty and shed light, now they had no nightlight and Aragorn was reduced to sucking his thumb. Later he learned he'd been sucking Frodo's thumb all along.
Anyway, onto the great quest….mission…..thing. The Fellowship made it to Lothlorien where they met Galadrial, the Lady of the Forest. Here she was a meanie and made Boromir cry.
Relena temporarily mistakened Celeborn for Legolas and for about ten minutes Legolas had relief. Than, upon realizing her mistake, Relena sought and captured Legolas' leg once again. The poor elf was exhausted by now but there was no way he would sleep in the same bed with the "beast". He chose to tie his eyelids open and lean against a tree for the rest of the night. All the elves that passed him made fun, I mean it isn't often an elf is tired, much less often you see one tie his eyelids open to stay awake. They were laughing until one of them strayed too close to the "beast" and was beset by her horrible grip for a moment. No one made fun after that.
That night Galadrial was supposed to let everyone look into the mirror but Peter Jackson must have wanted to save time and money so only Frodo looked in. He saw scary things and the ring tried to drown him. Actually it was only trying to get to Saruon but it could have drown him if you think about the technicalities.
Anyway. Frodo fell backwards, near cracked his head and the ring tempted Galadrial. The "beast" had beset Celeborn again and Legolas was currently trying to massage life back into his rather dead leg in the time between relief and the omnipresent cling-on attack.
Relena moved from elf to elf like the black plague. She was a disease that the immortal elves were not immune to. Somehow, though, she always found her way back to Legolas, him being the prettiest and all, the other elves were just Legolas wannabe's. But not anymore! Not with the "beast" that acted like the black plague, so now the elves were rushing to make themselves more like Elrond. Now the elves are Elrond wannabe's.
The "beast" had stopped moving through the elves like the black plague because, (it was a startling discovery for everyone), Celeborn actually looked better than Legolas when he was attempting to look like Elrond. How this is possible? We do not know as neither Elrond nor Celeborn's beauty surpasses Legolas. Perhaps the two canceled each other out?
To Celeborn this was his worst nightmare come true, cursing the Fellowship for bringing such a "beast" to Lothlorien he bid them farewell with the gift of some of Lothlorien's speediest boats (to get them away faster). For Legolas, this was his best dream come true, and he was enjoying every moment of freedom from the "beast." His joy amplified when he realized that the boats would carry him quickly away from the clingy little freak.
Unfortunately even the best of luck can't hold up. The Fellowship was rowing out of Lothlorien when Merry (Who was attempting to explain to Frodo that the shadow in the water was not Flipper and that it was from the wrong movie anyway.) fell out of the boat. The following splash that accompanied his fall hit Celeborn full in the face, washing the dye out of his hair.
Dismayed, the "beast" realized that Celeborn wasn't as hot as she had at first thought. With a cry she launched herself at the boats and attached herself once again to Legolas. Who understandably looked like he was about to cry, not giving a damn about what ensuing chaos his mascara running would cause. Because of the added weight when the "beast" launched herself into his boat, the boat flipped over. So now there were three victims in the water, Legolas, Gimli, and Merry. What about the "beast" you ask? Well, she wasn't a victim; she was the victim's attacker. Not that it mattered, Legolas was hoping to make her a victim and was intent on keeping his leg submerged for as long as it took for the Velcro-like girl to unattached.
As most of you might know, Hobbits cannot swim. It seemed as if the poor hobbit would suffer the fate of death by drowning when Galadrial, with a yell, tore off her dress to reveal a Bay Watch bikini. The elf swan-dived into the water in a graceful arc, blowing a silver whistle as she went.
To be continued...