A. V. Morgan
Part Seventeen: The Girl You Dream Of
By the strains of dawn's early light, slipping like the succulent breeze through the open window, Ryouga lay in the guest room pondering. He had a mind well trained for wandering, and if there were a hundred paths to follow all at once he fared equally well traversing them. Though a specific destination eluded his thoughts, the roaming itself was more the point. He still did not know how the revelation that Ranma had been a girl in his previous life affected the feelings he had invested in Copy-chan. He had been as stark, stuttering shocked as the rest while Cologne detailed the history of Fa Shen and the path leading to her watery grave. It was a life that rivaled that of the martial arts prodigy they were all familiar with. Ryouga still gaped at the picture of a girl as proud and strong, and perhaps even as arrogant, as the boy he regarded as both friend and nemesis. Compelling as the topic was, he still was distracted by the minor, but personally more extraordinary fact that he had spent the night as a man, sharing a room with an all-male Ranma, under the Tendo roof.
Was that because Akane had slipped up to him, as the Saotome triplets excused themselves to concentrate on their study with Happosai, and made such a shocking proposal? Or was it that he could not face the torture of slipping into Akane's room as P-chan where he would have to choose between Akane's bed, or the futon shared by the two red-heads? What had he been thinking the previous afternoon?
Throughout the meeting he had been dragged along to witness, Akane had been slipping odd looks in his direction. Ryouga had been hard pressed to avoid meeting her gaze, since he was in the habit of studying her surreptitiously while in her presence. She had been gracing the Saotomes with meaningful looks as well. For Genma, she reserved the kind of ire and contempt usually reserved for Ranma. For Ranma, she held an almost frightened and pensive look. For Ranma-chan and Ranko, she assumed an air of concern and sadness. Still, the most troubling look was the look of intent she kept turning on Ryouga as her gaze wandered from Ranko. The last time, as she watched Ranko trailing the others out to the dojo, she had turned toward Ryouga and approached smiling.
"Ryouga. I'm glad they found you and brought you home with them," she opened, striking up a conversation. "I hope you can stick around for a few days and help out a bit."
"I'm not sure how much help I can be, really," Ryouga prevaricated.
"Oh, don't be silly! You're the best martial artist I know, next to Ranma," she assured him. "And, it's not like you haven't been there to help him before, even though he's always teasing you. You're a real friend to Ranma, and that's what he needs most right now."
"It's nothing, really," he flushed, feeling sweat bead his brow. Under the best of circumstances, his feelings regarding Ranma were confused and conflicted. In perfect honesty, the fact that he had ever helped Ranma was a fluke, since he had typically involved himself in anger or self-interest when ever they had joined forces. More than once he had crossed the line, in his own mind, and tried to kill Ranma. It had never bothered him until Copy-chan had become entrenched in his rival.
Seeing the self-conscious look on his face, Akane lowered her voice and addressed his suspected concern. "I know the two of you fight a lot, and you've said and done things that you're not proud of," she met his eyes and smiled, "but you were also the first one to defend him from the others when he was weak." They both knew she was referring to the time Happosai used moxibustion to steal Ranma's strength, and how Ryouga had stopped Kuno, Principle Kuno and Mousse, among others, from taking revenge on Ranma. "He's even more vulnerable now," she added.
Ryouga sighed and looked away, "I already promised Copy-chan I would help protect her. By extension that means all of them, even though none of them are really her any more." There was no point in not saying it. Cologne had already revealed that conversation to everyone. He had given his word as a martial artist, and he would honor it in her memory, even as he struggled to decide if the feelings he had for her could ever apply to those she had become.
"You really cared for her, didn't you?" Akane asked softly.
Ryouga twitched in pain. It still galled him that his moment of weakness had been witnessed by Akane. He had interrupted Cologne to clarify the purity of his intentions, as the scene between him and Copy-chan at the mansion was retold from her perspective. He still burned with shame that Akane was left with the impression that he harbored feelings for Ranma in female form, and thanks to Copy-chan he'd never be able to deny it again. "I didn't want to," he finally said. "But I couldn't let her die because of my rivalry with Ranma. She really was a girl, and that changed things. Made a lot of things worse, too, since there are others I… care about." That was as close as he could hope to get to telling Akane his true feelings about her.
"I think she cared about you too," Akane offered, sympathetically. "I think she loved you. I think she was hoping she could be with you." Akane bit her lip and swallowed. She quickly related the small confession Copy-chan had made, in front of Akari no less. "I don't think it was just the compulsion talking."
Ryouga shrugged, concealing his grief at hearing such confirmation too late. "You should have heard what she said to me at the mansion, before…" he choked it off. "It doesn't matter now. She's going by Ranko now, but she's really Ranma inside. Even if she has the same feelings, she isn't going to feel the same way about them."
"She's not happy about being a girl," Akane agreed. "But if she's in love, I don't think it really matters. It didn't before."
"I wish I'd never bought that stupid koi rod," Ryouga muttered, blushing.
Akane sighed and bit her tongue for a minute. "I tend to believe you, when you say you didn't believe it would work, and you did not use it intentionally. It sort of tricked you into admitting feelings you could never admit while Ranma was his normal self," she swallowed nervously, amazed at her own determination to explore this delicate subject. "But, you're not the only one who had to go through that."
Ryouga turned to her and gaped in confusion. "What are you talking about?" he demanded, hoping he could change the subject, or at least shift it away from himself.
"Well, you have to remember that the first time I saw Ranma, he was a girl. Even though I learned the truth right away, I was still stuck with that first impression. It was bad enough being engaged to a boy I didn't know, but when I thought of him as a girl, first, it just made everything worse," she admitted.
Ryouga considered that. Under the circumstances, and in light of one humorous thought from earlier in the day about certain similarities between himself and Akane, he dared to ask a question that would have put his fragile heart at risk. "Do you mean you love him?"
Akane squirmed. "Do you?" she retorted.
Ryouga sighed and looked away. "If she could love me…" he trailed off.
Akane nodded and let out a deep sigh. She should have known better than to press for his true feelings in something as awkward as this. It was kind of funny too, since the episode with the koi rod had put Ryouga into the rival category with Ukyo and Shampoo. The Kunos had never counted in her mind, but it had been on the back of her mind that Ryouga was a potential challenger for Ranma's heart, however much of a long shot that was. Taking a deep breath, she finally made her point, "The best hope she has, really, is if she does love you, Ryouga. That might be the only thing that would allow her to be at peace with being a girl for the rest of her life. With a boy Ranma around, she has no chance of getting that back."
"What!?"
"Ryouga," Akane turned back to look at him. "I heard what being Ranko means to Ranma. All three of them. But it'll never work if it's forced on her. She has to want it. She'll never be Ranko and want to be a girl. She needs to be a girl and want to be Ranko," Akane explained in perfect feminine logic.
"I don't get it."
"You don't have to understand, Ryouga," she rolled her eyes. "Just believe me, you are the best chance she has of figuring it out for herself."
"What do I have to do?"
"Just… follow your heart. Ask her out on a date," Akane suggested.
Ryouga sighed and rolled over on his pallet. If only Akane had realized how difficult that simple suggestion was for him to follow. He had been fretting about it all night, his mind arguing for and against it. He wanted to give it a shot, but he did not think he could take the rejection and ridicule if it all exploded in his face. Worse, whenever he managed to resolve the will to ask, images of Akane and Akari would spring up to torment him. It was torture, because with those two girls, he could never quite separate their affections for him from his alter ego, the little black piglet, but he knew that Copy-chan had feelings for him as a man. Those feelings might still exist in Ranko, and the other two as well, but he knew that appealing to those feelings might be seen as an unforgivable insult. After long hours of wrestling with it, he finally could not stand it. He rose from his sleeping bag and approached Ranma.
Knowing perfectly well how hard it was to wake his rival, he advanced as calmly as possible, dragging the blanket off his sleeping form and aimed a kick for the open window. After punting the sleeping boy out the window, he jumped out after him, careful to avoid the pond below. Fortunately, he arrived in the wake of the splash heralding Ranma's awakening, and did not get soaked on landing.
"Wha- Who- Where!?" the shocked and soaking boy babbled as he reared up gasping for breath. His eyes narrowed as he spotted Ryouga standing on the grass. He automatically sent a wave crashing toward his rival, shouting, "What the hell did you do that for, P-chan!?"
"Snort! Bweeee!" came the indignant response.
"Oh, guess I should heat up some water if you're gonna actually answer that, huh?" he grinned as he dragged himself out of the water and collected Ryouga's clothing. Looking into the pig's eyes, he asked, "You did have a reason for waking me up, right?"
Ryouga nodded.
Ranma sighed. "Alright. Come on, I'll take you in to the furo. Whatever you wanna talk about, we can do it while we both get warm." Ranma smirked as he picked up his friend and carried him into the house. Kasumi poked her head out of the kitchen and offered a cheerful good morning as they passed. "Hey, Kasumi. Is the bath free?"
"You're the first one up, Ranma-kun. I've already run the bath, but you can go ahead of me," she offered. Ranma noticed that the eldest daughter was in her bathrobe, and realized how early in her morning routine they had intruded.
"I'm sorry, Kasumi. I'll try to be quick, so I don't mess up your morning," he promised. She just smiled and returned to the kitchen. As he carried P-chan into the washroom, he could hear the water running in the bath. Apparently Kasumi had just wandered out for a moment while the tub filled. He quickly stripped out of his wet clothes and entered the bathroom. He closed the tap, seeing the tub was about full, and proceeded to wash down before joining P-chan in the bath. Or rather, Ryouga, since the boy appeared as soon as the piglet hit the water.
"Sorry about the rude awakening, Ranma," Ryouga began, leaning back and relaxing in the heat. "I just didn't know a quicker way to wake you up."
"I'm used to it. So, what's so important it couldn't wait?"
"I need to ask you something."
"You wanna ask me for advice?" Ranma paused in shock.
"I'd rather get beaten up by you than Ranko," Ryouga huffed.
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "I don't think I like the sound of that."
"Well, it's not entirely my idea," Ryouga explained, relating Akane's argument, without specifying her part in it. "She isn't Copy-chan, anymore than you are Copy-kun, but she is the one looking at being a girl for the rest of her life. The person who suggested that I try dating her thinks it's the best way for me to help. I think it's a good way to get myself killed."
"You're not entirely wrong, Ryouga," Ranma frowned. He finished scrubbing down and rinsed himself off. He remembered the advice "he" had given "Copy-kun" and forced himself to think carefully. After joining Ryouga in the furo, he continued. "Ranma-chan… Kami, it's odd having to refer to another version of myself… She claims that the curse allowed me to develop a female identity. That you and that damned koi rod actually helped it happen. I'm not comfortable with it, but I can find it in myself." Ranma pushed through the water to put as much distance between himself and the lost boy. "When it was you and Copy-chan, I admit that I thought you might be good for her, and she for you. Ranko's a different story though. As Ranko, you're like sort of a friend, sort of a jerk, that has unexpectedly become more than that."
Ryouga bowed his head.
"She feels things for you she's not sure she wants to," Ranma confided, striving to put some mental and emotional distance between himself and Ranko. "I suppose the problem is that what she feels for you is just wrong, if she thinks like a guy, and she's afraid it'll make her think like a girl."
"But she is a girl," Ryouga protested softly.
"Not by choice," Ranma insisted. He let the silence engulf them for a while, as he contemplated Cologne's revelation. In another life, he was a girl. That was certain now. That girl had died at about the same age he had been cursed, so it was sort of like the two lives had blended together in the last year, give or take a couple of months. At least if he tried to balance the influence of the two lives. He didn't remember the other life, but he realized that if he did, it would complement every experience he had as a guy, making it impossible to assert one gender over the other on that basis. After hearing a brief synopsis of that life, the walls between lives seemed perilously thin suddenly. He sighed, "I thought I'd never have to worry about this again. It's gotta be worse for her."
Ryouga nodded.
"To be honest, I think I agree with whoever put you up to this," Ranma admitted, shifting uncomfortably. "It's not like I never had to consider living as a girl. Because of my parents, it wasn't easy to think about, but the truth is, if I had to live as a girl, I'd rather just be a girl than cling to my masculinity. At least then I could actually live a somewhat normal life. It's just that a girl's life kinda sucks compared to a guy's. I don't like being second to anyone."
"Even as a girl, I can't see you being subordinate to anyone," Ryouga agreed, looking up. Taking a deep breath, he dared, "Does that mean you think I should ask her?"
Ranma studied him intently for a moment, sternly. "Better you ask her, and date her, than moon over her like Akane. The fact that you're talkin' to me about it says you're serious enough. Don't be a Kuno, though. If you keep chasing other girls, she's gonna end up serving your carcass for dinner, P-chan," he warned pointedly.
"I can't control how I feel about Akane and Akari," Ryouga frowned. "If I thought they had any serious feelings for me as a man, a human being, it would be hard to ignore them. I don't see how it's much different from all the people you're involved with, Ranma. I'm hardly the only guy in Ranko's life. I suppose I'll be as serious about it as she is, and I can't promise more than that."
Ranma thought about all the guys he had become involved with as a girl. No real serious relationships, but there had been more than one "engagement" and Kuno was not the only man to try and seduce him. "It's up to you, man. You can ignore my advice if you want. If you're serious about this, though, I'll talk to her and set it up. Spare you the agony of trying to ask her in person, since you're so pathetic under stress," Ranma grinned impishly.
To his surprise, Ryouga actually felt relieved. "Thanks Ranma! That's a load off my mind! I didn't think you'd be such a good sport about this!" Ranma gaped at him, sweat not caused by the heat rolling down the side of his face.
Ranma-chan sighed as the girl sharing her futon moaned softly and snuggled a little deeper into her side. The sun streaming directly into the room was much more intense than the gentle illumination that would infiltrate the guest room across the hall. Akane, in her bed, was sheltered from the glare, and Ranko had wiggled into the shade, pushing her twin's face directly into the pool of light. The sudden wash of light did not belong in the dark, gloomy nightmare she had snapped out of. From the sound of things, Ranko's dreams were not much better, and had taken a turn for the worse. Blinking the sleep from her eyes, Ranma-chan glanced at the clock. Grimacing, she sat up and stretched, hoping that the few stray hours of sleep would suffice for the day. She had a lot of work ahead of her, and staying up half the night talking to her twin about Cologne's revelation had probably been a bad idea. It had certainly provoked the horrors locked away in Fa Shen's memory.
Looking down at herself, she sighed. It figured this form would come with extra baggage. As if life as Ranma had not been enough to deal with. What seemed more disturbing was that it should suddenly confront her when circumstances threatened to strip her... his identity away from him. Ranma-chan scrabbled to collect her wits, holding onto the certainty that was Ranma. She and Ranko had both taken refuge in that, while discussing the implications of this previous life. It had been essential, given what they could fathom from the memories they had already tapped into.
Fa Shen had been the daughter of Pa Shen, who had taken refuge among the amazons after escaping from the Musk. Before that, it was safe to assume that Pa Shen had been some exotic animal, chosen and cursed by the Musk to bear sons with the gifts inherent to her native species. One of whom, Lo Shen, had conspired to sacrifice Fa Shen to replace the spring of drowned woman the amazons had destroyed after it had been used by enemies of their tribe to infiltrate and destroy them from within. Enemies who were allied with the Musk, attempting to abduct Pa Shen and return her to her original captors. Fa Shen had died seething with hatred for her sibling. A hatred that Ranma and Ranko could feel turning upon the image of Ranma, who so closely resembled the brother who condemned her. That venom was nothing compared to the wrath Fa Shen held for the man who had ultimately murdered her.
Ranma-chan shivered as her mind flashed on the dreams of the dragon-born prince of the Musk and his attempts to dominate Fa Shen, and exploit the laws of her tribe. As a martial artist, her skill compared favorably to that of Shampoo, but her mastery of chi manipulation and shiatsu surpassed that of the young prince who pursued her. Ranma-chan wondered what sort of creature had given Fa Shen a grasp of chi to rival the abilities of a dragon halfling. Whatever it had been, it accounted for the prince's unrelenting interest in her. Probably some other breed of dragon, given the emphasis of the ruling houses of the Musk. What could a dragon desire more?
Unfortunately for that prince, Fa Shen had been a proud amazon and a prodigy to boot. Faced with the contempt the Musk held for females, she would have rather died than be defeated by him, and ultimately she had. In retrospect, this did not make Ranma-chan feel any warmer toward this unexpected heritage. It did, however, force her and Ranko to sit up wondering how this heritage would affect their present situation with Cologne, Shampoo and the rest of their tribe. It did not take a genius to guess that they would do anything to bring the resurrected heroine back into the fold. They had asked themselves if this third identity was a solution to their present problem, or if it just complicated the situation worse. Suppose Cologne did want Fa Shen back. Would she be satisfied with a Fa Shen that turned into a boy? Did the logic that stated Ranko should be one hundred percent female also apply to the drowned girl? For that matter, would either of them being Ranko result in Fa Shen's personality awakening and taking over? Would they ultimately become twin fusions of Ranma and Fa Shen, and never truly be either? What would it do to Ranma if he too awakened fully to that past life?
The questions had no sure answers. At the very least, thinking about it only suggested that Fa Shen's hatred for her brother might account for why she had not surfaced sooner. That door had waited to open until Ranma's memory was locked away in Copy-chan. If she had not gone back into the mirror, Copy-chan would probably have become Fa Shen entirely.
Ranma-chan sighed. The other thing they had figured out from their brief recapitulations was that Fa Shen would be as quick to reject masculinity as Ranma had been to deny femininity. Having only begun to overcome the self-loathing that came with the curse, Ranma-chan did not relish the thought of facing it again as Fa Shen. Given the uncertainty of her identity at this point, however, she was the most likely to inherit that identity. It gave her a sudden appreciation of Ranko's lament about not having any choice in who she would be. Remembering how easily Ranko had slipped into Fa Shen's perspective at Cologne's prompting, Ranma-chan suspected she might not even realize it was happening until it was too late. She did not know if she should be afraid, but she was certainly distressed by the whole idea. Enough that she felt like a coward when the impulse to retreat from it into male form had hit her last night. Genma had intercepted her search for hot water and marched her back to bed, however, reminding her sternly that she was not welcome in the guest room and she could not sleep in Akane's room as a boy.
"Damn him," she muttered. "He wants me to become someone else, so Ranma can take my place!" Not for the first time she considered challenging her other duplicate for the right to be Ranma, even if it would force him to actively commit to the engagement to Akane. That no longer seemed like the biggest problem in her life. If anything, it would be better for Akane, since her condition helped delay the inevitable. Once it was safe to confront Nodoka, Genma and Soun would certainly rush the wedding. As a matter of honor, Ranma and Akane would wed if pressed, but it would be a mere formality. As it was, it was uncertain if they were even friends, and Ranma-chan was not sure the Akane cared even that much. At best, she seemed to tolerate her. That fear had kept Ranma-chan from examining her own feelings about the tomboy too closely. There was something about Akane she loved, but it was elusive and the girl certainly did not share it openly with Ranma-chan. Her feelings for Akane were not that different from the feelings she had for Ryouga, actually. Those feelings for Akane had offered the best reinforcement for her masculinity, outside of her desire to make her mother proud of her son. Akane deserved a real man. It had tortured Ranma to be anything less than that. In all honesty, her biggest fear with regard to her relationship with Akane was that she was not man enough for her. "Damn," she muttered again. The current Ranma would not have that problem now. What kind of man would she be if she threatened to take that away from Akane? "I guess I can't challenge him, like I did Ryu Kumon."
Ranko blinked and opened her eyes suddenly. The muttered comments, and the light that had angled into her face, had roused her. "You weren't seriously thinking of challenging him for your name, were you?" she asked in surprise.
"Wouldn't you if you had a chance?"
"Mmmm… Good point," she grumbled. Being awake, she stretched and got up. There were piles of books waiting for them downstairs, and since Happosai had not provided an immediate solution they still had to dredge through them. They had already filled a note pad with ideas of things to try, and had sketched out a regimen to train the abilities they would require to apply the medical techniques. As she had slept, the back of her mind had also gone to work on the problem, and insisted there was a simple solution, if she could just see the critical element. Yawning, she headed out the door. "Come on," she called softly. "We should get back to work."
"I think I need a bath first," Ranma-chan practically yowled as she was infected by her twin's yawn.
"Good idea," the other smiled lazily, following her down the stairs. They were both half asleep as they entered the washroom and stripped down. The reminder that itched in the back of their brains did not penetrate the haze as they sat down on wash stools and scrubbed down. It was not until they entered the furo together that they realized what they had done. Ranko took one look at the boy sitting in shock across from her and burst out laughing.
"I can't believe we forgot!" she gasped, as she got control over herself. Ranma-kun was studying her in the same curious way he had examined Copy-chan, the first time he had dragged her into the furo. "So, how long are you going to keep staring?"
Ranma-kun blushed and looked away. "Sorry, it just blows my mind to see my girl form sitting in hot water. It's like I don't really see you until then. Even after a week and a half, I'm not used to looking at myself, my girl half, through a guy's eyes."
Ranko studied his turned face thoughtfully. She quickly turned her head as she realized that the same phenomenon applied to looking at her male half through female eyes. When it was Copy-kun, or rather when she was Copy-chan, she had looked on him as a potential mate. In spite of remembering who she was, she had fallen into the same appreciative gaze herself, as he transformed. Her mind flashed on the memory, as Ranma, of seeing Copy-chan that first time, and the weird feeling he got from looking at her. At himself, he had actually thought. Having probed into the mysteries of sex, as Copy-chan, she suddenly understood the feelings he had felt. The instinctive, sexual curiosity. The intellectual revulsion as he rejected the notion that formed. "I'm always going to remember being a guy," she mourned softly. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at a guy the way I looked at you."
"Well," he sighed, "at least we both know that isn't Fa Shen talking."
She sighed. That was true. If she looked at him through Fa Shen's eyes, she probably be trying to kill him right now. "We're going to have to do something about that. I've got enough reason to hate Ranma as it is. I don't need her help becoming psychotic about it."
"I think we'd have to be Fa Shen to teach her the difference between Ranma and Lo Shen," Ranma-kun shifted, looking down into the water, but facing her. "I'm not sure we can go there and get back, though."
She matched him, though she had to focus hard on her toes to avoid seeing him too clearly through the water. She reminded herself that, being the same person, there was no shame in sharing a bath. "It's not a big step for me," she responded once her thoughts were composed. "I mean, I could probably become her if I just used her name for a while. Her personality is just like mine."
"You mean, how you've adapted to your condition," he corrected. The dead amazon's feelings about males, as prospective partners, was eerily similar to how Ranma-kun felt when female. There was a physical magnetism, but a kind of abhorrence about submitting to it. Apart from that, she was not that much different from Ranma, thanks to her heritage. She'd be quite comfortable in Ranko's place. "That doesn't mean you have to be her."
"It's you or me, buddy," she replied listlessly.
"I am sure she'd be thrilled at our enthusiasm," he quipped.