Kaiba saw the purple cow and so he rode it through sweet pastures, dense forests and hazy meadows. He stopped at sticky streams and drank from them and then rode again. He stopped when he heard Malek mumbling.
"Isis!" he cried, "Isis!"
"What," Kaiba yelled, "You mean while you're sleeping with me you're fantasizing about your sister! That's incest you evil sicko. Get help while you still can!"
Malek looked shocked,
"I'm sorry Kaiba," he said, "but I can't help the way I am."
"Yes you can," said Kaiba, putting his clothes on. "You can't choose your desires, but you choose to act on them. "
Suddenly, Seto Kaiba's mother, father and brother burst into the room.
" We just knew it!" they yelled. "You have denied you're homosexuality for long enough, and now we have caught you in the act. Don't you know that homosexuality brands you an evil sicko?"
"I'm sorry," said Kaiba, "But I' can't help the way I am."
"Yes you can," said his mother, "Or at least you can chose how you act on it."
More so," said his father, "there is an organization down the street that can help you." ***********************************************************************************************************************************************************
".....We're the multidisciplinary ten step program, anythingaholics anonymous. We aim to end every last undesirable deviation in society. Like Ito here. After arriving, he discovered that he drinks too much coffee. But we've helped him. Now he is on step three: "just stop freaking doing whatever you're here to stop freaking doing," and soon will move to step four: "Stop praying to God to help you, because he ain't helping you anyway." Through this ten step program you can solve problems you never even knew you had."
Seto Kaiba looked around. Across the room, he saw Malek with Isis in his lap reading a book entitled "Beating Oepedius: How to End Those Incestuous Urges." Clearly they were only on step one. He also saw Ryou next to him, talking to an incredibly wealthy psychologist who specialized in multiple personalities. He had always wanted to tell his patients to get lost and just enjoy life, but his third self wouldn't let him.
Finally Kaiba saw Yuugi across the room chatting up a really pretty girl.
"Grr," thought Kaiba and decided that as soon as he overcame his homosexuality, he would marry her, even if it meant killing Yuugi. Especially if it meant killing Yuugi. He licked his lips sadistically.
The guide continued,
"One thing you need to be careful about is picking up new vices. You will be surrounded by people who are affected by all sorts of evil. You can't let yourself be influenced. Once we had a girl who can here to stop smoking, but then started biting her nails. Horrific! Don't let it happen to you."
Kaiba looked around anxiously.
"Hey," he said, "do you think you could tell me the ten steps?"
The guide handed Kaiba a pamphlet. This is what it said.
Anythingaholics Anonymous
"Saving the World from Evil, One Victim at a Time"
The 10 Steps
1) Admit that you have a problem. If you can't think of a problem, one of our issue consultants can help find one for you so that you can enjoy our wonderful services. Then, you can use our admitting machine, to spare you the pain of doing it yourself.
2) Curse God for giving you this problem. I mean, he wanted a perfect world, so why didn't he create it? QED
3) Stop freaking doing whatever your here to stop freaking doing (If you wish to get over you affliction quickly, just start and end at this step)
4) Stop praying to God to help you, because he ain't helping you anyway
5) Ask your family and friend for support in overcoming your habit (available at a nominal fee if you do not have your own)
6) Run around and buck like a chicken (assistance available)
7) Evaluate your success with the Anythingaholics Success Tester
8) Share your success with friends and family who also could use the services of Anythingaholics anonymous
9) Pay your bill.
10) Find a new evil you need to rid yourself of
Kaiba looked up.
"Are you sure this will work?"
"Positive." said that guide, "One hundred and fifty percent guaranteed!"
************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Kaiba walked over to Yuugi and his girl. She was tall and slightly plump, but had beautiful long curly black hair. Her eyes shone like diamonds.
"Who's this?" he asked nonchalantly.
"Cazue. She's here because her skirts are too short among other things." Yuugi tousled her skirt and she smiled.
"Can't she just buy new skirts?" Kaiba retorted.
"Supposedly this works better."
Suddenly an awed expression appeared on the girl's face.
"Seto Kaiba!" she yelled, "I have read all about you. You run one of the most profitable multinational corporations. Was that you on the cover of FORTUNE magazine?"
Kaiba nodded numbly.
"Then tell me about your profit algorithms. I didn't understand the graph. They said profit, but I think they meant marginal profit. In fact I'm sure."
Kaiba nodded again,
"They screw stuff up sometimes," he said solemnly.
"And you developed that new super computer that works on natural logs instead of common logs, is that right?"
Suddenly, it dawned on Kaiba. Cazue was intelligent. He looked at Yuugi and Yuugi looked at him. Already, he was taking his hands off the girl's waist. They saw a hallway and darted down it.
And they screamed and they screamed and they screamed.