Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Baby
Disclaimer: I blew all of my moneys on the school's semi-formal and the Valentine's Day compatibility tests. So therefore, Gundam Wing and Barry White's song (the title) are not mine to own. I'm just renting them…and don't worry, I'll be kind and rewind.
Warnings: Oh, lots of shounen-ai fun, la! And the hetero stuff too, because obviously the whole show isn't gay. Then that'd just be overkill. Shounen-ai is primarily 3x4x3, since we're dealing with 2xH AND 2x1 (I can't decide which I like better).
Quickie Summary: Home movies with a Valentine's twist as those crazy pilots plus intrepid camera-monkey Hilde Schbeiker have fun with film. Mushy romance story? I think not!
The cable had been on the fritz for some time now at the communal house the five ex-pilots shared following the wars. Now, while this was all right for most of the pilots, who never watched all that much television to begin with, there would always be one person to make a huge and fairly unnecessary deal out of the absence of the three different C-Spans and the thirty Spanish channels. And everyone was getting pretty fed up with his annoying and incessant complaints about there being no cable.
"Trowa! Enough all ready! You will not die from lack of television! The cable provider is sending someone over next Monday, until then, go read and stop pestering everyone! For the love of Shinigami…"
Didn't see that one coming, did you? That's because I'm just teasing, it really is Duo having spasms because of the TV. And fortunately for the others, salvation is at hand.
"Hee-ro, I'm bo-ored," Duo whined petulantly. "Entertain me!"
Heero glared up from his copy of Carrie. "Do I look like a cruise director to you, Duo? What would you have me do to entertain you?"
The violet-eyed teenager struck a thoughtful pose. "I was considering provocative striptease."
"Out. Now."
Knowing when not to badger any further, Duo took his leave. Heero definitely sounded like he would make good on his usual 'omae o korosu' threat. And he'd have to be absolutely insane to go after Wufei, who'd holed himself in his study doing Preventers paperwork. No, Wufei was a fate worse than death when roused to a full froth. So, that left Trowa or Quatre. To Duo, that wasn't much of a choice. He really had no desire to spend any quality time with 'Jay and Silent Bob,' as they'd been recently dubbed. Besides, chances were pretty good that they were making out in the backseat of Trowa's birthday Porsche.
"Aw, damn."
Now, it might seem as though Duo is being made into this stereotypically hyper goofball in desperate need of Ritalin. What kind of author do you take me for? Duo's just being annoying because he's bored. Take it from an expert: teenagers get incredibly annoying when they get bored. And Duo tends to be a livewire, so getting bored is a devastating thing for him.
"Hello, any sexy Gundam boys home? I come bearing deliverance from no television!"
Duo smiled his brightest megawatt grin. Hilde's timing couldn't have been any more perfect. Any longer and he might have done something drastic…like housework or filing taxes.
"Hey there, Hilde babe! What'd you bring me? Hmm?" he asked, bounding into the foyer. Hilde smiled keenly, pulling a digital video camera out from underneath her trademark fuchsia beret.
"Relena finally paid me back for my services swiping data from White Fang, get a load of this puppy. Digital recording, seventeen different functions, letterbox setting, real time Internet compatibility. So much nicer than the hunk of Sony junk you guys made that home movies tape on," she stated proudly, lovingly stroking the new hardware. "And…I had the greatest idea for a new movie we should all shoot. It'd be perfect for the Valentine's shindig Preventers is having next Friday. Bet we could get Fraulein Une to crack a smile."
"Count me in, baby. I've been itching to make a new movie ever since Noin sent us some high-quality footage from her Lake Victoria days. Boy, those Ozzies knew how to party."
And so, with much cajoling and watering of eyes, Duo and Hilde managed to rope the rest of the Gundam crew into producing another cinematographic disaster. Granted, three out of four of that lot had vowed they would never participate in any of Duo's crazy schemes ever again, but Quatre had his heart set on it. And, as we all know, nobody can refuse Quatre anything. Nope, not even Heero and Wufei can resist that adorable charm of his. And so, they hauled out the industrial-sized costume box left over from their taping of various odd segments of their lives (with minor adjustments to the events, considering how half of the clips involved Trowa in drag), and ran down to the nearest costume store for a few more bits and pieces to add to their burgeoning box.
Filming took place in and around "Gundam House," the movie comprised of more doctored scenes from their lives, with minor additions made. These additions included famous lines and/or scenes from romantic movies. They also added in an extra clip that had no real purpose other than to be funny. Guess which one that is. The movie was shown a week later, where it was applauded for its zaniness and getting Lady Une to not only laugh, but get her to laugh while drinking fruit punch, which she inevitably spat in a ruby-colored spray across the room. Mm, had Treize only been there to see it. And so, the remainder of this story will be your front-row seat to the video, the second in the 'Home Movies' endeavors, entitled, "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Baby."
++
The film opened with Trowa and Quatre standing in the garage, the various motorcycles and muscle cars covered in tarpaulins. Heero kicked a fog machine, thick smoke roiling across the floor. From somewhere outside, Duo depressed a foghorn, the loud blast hopefully giving the impression that the two of them were on the foggy loading dock where they met, the two young pilots headed for San Francisco and the New Edwards Base.
"Two is better than one," Quatre pointed out after Trowa had refused to accompany him, despite the parallels running between their missions. And, because it is scientifically proven that Trowa is unable to deny Quatre anything, he agreed to join the small blonde.
The scene changed to the house's breakfast nook, which had been transformed into the convincing facsimile of a cheap Italian restaurant, complete with a fat candle on the table, a basket of breadsticks, and a red-checkered tablecloth. Somewhere in the background corny Italian mandolin music was playing. Trowa and Quatre sat side-by-side at said table, watching as the waiter (Wufei in a false mustache as waxy as Instructor H's) brought out a plate of spaghetti and meatballs. They nodded in thanks and began eating, not realizing that they had placed either end of a single strand in their mouths until their lips met. Trowa's eyes went wide and Quatre blushed, somebody biting off the section that tethered them.
Unfortunately, rather than this being the romantic launching point of a thousand fanfics, that torrid night in San Francisco, this scene met with disaster. As soon as the kiss had been broken, Quatre immediately began choking on his half of the spaghetti, his face turning from blushing rose to suffocating blue.
"Somebody call for Sally Po!" Trowa started hollering. "Can anybody do the Heimlich Maneuver?"
Quatre placed his hands about his throat in the Universal Choking Sign as Heero came rushing onto the set. The asphyxiated multibillionaire was carted off to the hospital in an ambulance not more than ten minutes later.
Hilde sighed, filming the ambulance as it tore off down the road. "And they call it bella noche." [1]
++
There was a moment of film snow, and then the picture cleared to reveal Duo, Trowa, and Heero located in Duo's room, which bore the uncanny resemblance to the Brussels Presidential Estate after Wing Zero had blown the doors to smithereens. Duo was clad in Relena Darlian's Vice Foreign Minister getup, looking imposing and eerily like Relena. Trowa was wearing Mariemaia's little Neo-Nazi outfit, spattered with either red paint or ketchup…perhaps the marinara sauce from the last scene. At any rate, it looked like he'd been shot. And Heero was…well, playing himself.
"I've killed Mariemaia. I will not kill anyone else. I…I don't have to," he said, lowering the water pistol they gave him (because they were all afraid he'd really shoot Trowa). Heero fell forward in a faint and Duo leapt up to catch him, dropping Trowa.
"Ow! Duo, watch it!" Trowa hissed, hitting the ground rather hard.
Duo wailed very convincingly, "Heero! Oh, Heero!" and caught the falling soldier before he collapsed into the pile of dirty socks (or drywall).
He sniffled, clutching Heero just as Relena had. "Oh Heero, you had me at 'I'll kill you!' You had me at 'I'll kill you!'" [2]
++
The scene snowed again, and the movie resumed in Trowa's basement studio, where he'd been dabbling in art for a few months now. He was in the process of welding some random pieces of metal together (provided by Shinigami and Schbeiker Salvage) into something that looked like the twisted skeleton of a Gundam. At any rate, there was a perfectly good cockpit lying in the middle of the floor, one in which Wufei was sitting. He was staring downwards at the floor, when the film snowed again.
When the fuzz cleared, it revealed camera footage spliced in from Wing Zero and Altron's flight recorders, which somehow miraculously survived being exploded. Much like Heero.
"Zero won't tell me anything, Wufei," Heero stated, falling backwards into the ocean as Wufei watched. Wing Zero and its pilot sank into the ocean, Altron still floating in the air. The film snowed back to the basement.
"I'll never let go, Heero. I'll never let go," Wufei whispered, rather irritably. [3]
++
The film once again snowed, this time showing Hilde filming herself. The picture changed to letterbox format and black and white. She stared into the lens quizzically, shaking it slightly.
"Is it working? I can't tell, somebody tell me if it's working."
"I told you to stay away from the lions, Hilde. They like shiny things a lot, and that's a pretty shiny camera," Catherine's voice said somewhere in the background.
The camera shook back and forth in negation along with Hilde. "No, I mean the black and white. I can't tell if the black and white is working. The camera's fine, the cute little red light is on."
"It's working, Hilde!" Duo's voice replied.
Hilde nodded smartly and turned the camera around. Heero had turned the fog machine on, and rain was falling in intervals, starting and stopping in uniform intervals. Somewhere in the background was the sound of airplane propellers whirring. Trowa and Catherine were standing outside of Catherine's trailer on the circus grounds, dressed in nondescript overcoats and fedoras.
"You're not really thinking about going back out there and fighting, are you, Trowa?"
He was staring off towards the horizon, rain falling on him steadily before petering off. "I have to, I have to get on that carrier and head back for the colonies. Because if I don't, I'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and for the rest of my life."
"You're crazy. I really mean it, you're nuts," she stated hesitantly.
Trowa started to walk off slowly, glancing back over his shoulder and tipping the brim of his fedora. "Here's looking at you, kid."
He turned away and walked off, but managed to trip over the lawn sprinkler that was providing the rain showers for the scene. Fortunately, another ambulance was not required. [4]
++
The scene once again snowed, but the picture remained in black and white, letterbox format. Trowa and Quatre, who was just fine after his little incident with the spaghetti, drove up to the Winner mansion in a beaten Jeep, Quatre wearing his Maguanac goggles, the both of them looking as though they'd just come from a battle. The other Gundam pilots were dressed in vests and fezzes, and somebody (most likely Duo) had managed to scare up some of the real Maguanacs for the scene.
"You can lay low here for a little while, my friends the Maguanacs will make any necessary repairs to your mobile suit. And don't worry; any secrets you might have will be kept confidential. You can trust all of us," Quatre was saying as they pulled up in front of the house.
Trowa flipped his bangs with the air of a haughty Southern aristocrat.
"Why thank you," he said in a grating Georgian southern belle accent. "You know, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers."
Quatre shuddered. "Trowa, I love you very much, but never, ever do that again!" [5]
++
Duo was dressed up as Relena yet again in the next scene, and the film had returned to its Technicolor splendor. The others were starting to wonder if Duo had developed some weird fetish for dressing up as the Vice Foreign Minister.
"Nah," he replied, adjusting the sash of Queen Relena of the World Nation. "It's just really easy to make fun of her."
He leaned out on the balcony at the Winner Estate, sighing heavily as he leaned upon one gloved hand. "Ah me."
"She speaks! O, speak again, bright angel! See how she leans her cheek upon that glove, were I but that glove."
Heero was saying all of this quite loudly, and quite peevishly at that, though he was supposed to be whispering it, while standing in a group manicured topiaries of camels that were situated under the balcony.
"Heero, oh Heero, wherefore art thou Heero? Because wherever thou art, thou shouldst hasten to Sanq Kingdom to kill me likest thou promised. Otherwise, methinks thou art sitting in yon Epyon, quarreling with mine brother Milliardo. Ah me, were thou not more likest sweet Quatre, who dost not give this much trouble, other than the occasional fit of madness and giggling likest yon weasel."
Heero whipped out a gun and leveled it at Duo's head. "Are you saying you like Quatre more than me?"
Trowa ran out onto the balcony now as well, several throwing knives in hand. "Methinks the lady shouldst recant her statement, before she finds her ass full of daggers for eyeing mine boyfriend. O happy dagger!" [6]
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Wufei assumed Hilde's filming duties for the next scene, as she voiced her desire to portray the next of the characters in this mockery of the Eve Wars. She was standing in the middle of the stockroom at her junkyard, clad in an olive green 'militant White Fang bitch' suit, wearing a long blonde wig and a pair of obscenely thick false eyebrows. The adorable former Ozzie's false eyebrows were far worse than Dorothy's real eyebrows, the forked menaces that Hilde sported were an inch thick. She looked like a Neanderthal. Quatre skipped past the door in a skintight flight suit, stopped, and then backtracked his steps.
"Dorothy?" he asked.
Hilde picked up a dipstick and held it out as if it were an epée. "Let us see who is the strongest warrior, Mr. Quatre."
Quatre picked up another dipstick lying against the doorframe and stepped into the room, taking a fencing stance.
"Hello, my name is Quatre Raberba Winner. You indirectly had a hand in killing my father. Prepare to die," he said quietly.
The little blonde took a step forward, still not moving his sword arm. "Hello, my name is Quatre Raberba Winner. You indirectly had a hand in killing my father. Prepare to die," he repeated, a little more boldly.
Their 'swords' clashed, clanging loudly in their mock of the Libra. All the while, Quatre kept repeating his little mantra, each repetition louder than the last.
"All right, all right, enough! I heard you the first six times!" Hilde shrieked.
"Hello, my name is Quatre Raberba Winner! You indirectly had a hand in killing my father! Prepare to die!"
Finally Hilde gave up and knocked him over, poking him in the chest gently with the end of the dipstick and saying quite clearly, "Stab!"
A third dipstick flew past Hilde's cheek, shearing off a chunk of blonde hair that was pinned to the wall by the quivering dipstick.
"Hello, my name is Trowa Barton. You stabbed my boyfriend. Prepare to die."
Hilde rolled her eyes. "Oh God, here we go again." [7]
++
The scene changed for the last time, now showing the backyard behind the Gundam House, with its lush trees and swimming pool. Wufei panned around the short space that was the backyard, Heero and Trowa waving at the camera as it passed them. Presently Hilde and Quatre stepped out onto the lawn, barefooted, dressed in green and brown with silvery-green capes. They were wearing curly brown wigs and something glinted around Quatre's neck. They stumbled along the patio, until Hilde pointed to something in the distance. The film paused for a minute, the picture of a smoking volcano spliced in.
"There, in the distance, Mordor," Quatre breathed, clutching whatever it was that hung around his neck. "I'm glad you're with me, Sam."
Hilde latched onto his arm and nuzzled it. "I love you too, Mr. Frodo!"
"I said, I'm glad you're with me, Sam," Quatre retorted peevishly.
"Oh, right."
Just then Duo jumped out of a tree, tackling Quatre and wrestling him to the ground, hissing and growling like some sort of animal. He was wearing a pair of webbed gloves on his hands and bright purple flippers on his feet.
"Nasty, wicked little hobbit! You have the Precious, and we wants it!" the braided boy hissed, wild-eyed. He grabbed at the ring hanging on the chain around the Arabian hobbit's neck.
"No! You can't have that; Trowa gave it to me for my birthday! Get your hands off!"
Duo laughed like a maniac, his cackling burble ending with a croaky "gollum, gollum."
"I didn't mean that Precious, stupid hobbit! Smeágol wants this Precious. Yes, my own, my Precious…" he crooned, stroking Hilde's arm.
The normally blue-haired girl grinned. "Sorry, Mr. Frodo, I think I like Gollum a lot better. You know I've always had a thing for guys with split personalities."
And the hobbit and the bipolar flapdoodle skipped off together, leaving Quatre all alone.
"Gandalf is going to cut your fuzzy feet off and use them for ashtrays when he gets your hands on you, Samwise Schbeiker! You're supposed to be protecting me! Protect me!"
Wufei turned the camera in on himself. "And they let him carry the One Ring? Weak hobbit onna." [8]
++
With the movie over and edited, there was nothing left for the guys to do than just resume life as normal. That is, until Duo decided to flip on the television for the proposed Twilight Zone marathon that was running for the next forty-eight hours.
"WAUGH! HEERO! THE CABLE'S STILL OUT!"
And the pilots knew there would be no peace and tranquility for them that night. Injustice.
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The Movies Used
[1] Lady and the Tramp. It's one of the ultimate romance scenes in any movie, parodied in practically everything these days.
[2] Jerry Maguire. I can almost picture Relena doing this.
[3] Titanic. While I don't approve of 1x5x1, I thought that this was an appropriate place to use this particular line.
[4] Casablanca. I think I would have wet myself laughing had Trowa actually said, "here's looking at you, kid" when he left the colony to meet back up with Quatre.
[5] Gone With the Wind. Quatre and Trowa get a lot out of this, don't they? I guess it's because they have the closest thing to romantic innuendo in the show, other than Noin blatantly telling Relena she's got the hots for Zechs.
[6] Romeo and Juliet. All right, we butchered one of the classics. But butchering classics is so much fun!
[7] The Princess Bride. This whole scene was more or less ad lib, as I have yet to see Dorothy stab Quatre on the Libra. I know it happens, and I know Trowa comes to his rescue, I just haven't seen it happen.
[8] The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. Heheh. My awesome buddy Sherman said that bit about Frodo and Sam during the movie, and it's been our joke since then. He's in the process of writing LOTR: The Musical with the big dramatic musical number "Hobbits in Love."
And they all lived happily ever after, the end.