Chapter 5

Spike is pacing the floor of Buffy's living room. Xander sits on the sofa, bouncing his leg nervously. Angel is sprawled out in a chair, playing with a stake. He's making stabbing gestures at the arm of the chair. Suddenly, his anger gets away from him and he jabs harder than he means to. There is a tearing sound as the stake penetrates. the fabric of the chair. Angel's eyes pop. Whoops.

Xander looks over at him, mouth open. What the hell did you just do?

I... I didn't mean to... I was just--

Spike storms over to examine the damaged chair. Oh, that's just brilliant! Is this how you're going to get back at me? By tearing the Slayer's house apart?

Shut up, Spike. I'm not the one slowly wearing a groove into her living room floor!

You staked the chair! Xander shouts, still in shock.

I didn't mean to!

Bloody idiot.

SHUT UP!

The two vampires glare at Xander. He shrinks a little. Dawn said to keep it down.

Spike is about to argue that he's not the one causing the ruckus, but exhales heavily instead. What's the point? He shakes his head and sits down next to Xander. All three glower darkly at anything but each other. Xander's leg is now bouncing at an alarming pace. After a moment or two of tense silence, Spike reaches out puts a firm hand on Xander's knee. Xander frowns at him, but stops with the bouncing anyway. More silence and glowering ensues.

Finally...

Why don't you just leave already. Spike doesn't look up, but it's clear he's talking to Angel.

I want to make sure she's okay.

She''s the bloody Slayer, of course she's okay.

That's not what I mean.

Spike meets Angel's eyes. The accusation is clear.

Spike gets very calm. What' s bothering you specifically? The fact that I might hurt her as much as you did? Or the fact that I might be ABLE to hurt her as much as you did?

Xander barks out a surprised laugh. That was a low blow. And also... entertaining.

Why is that funny? Angel frowns at Xander. Now you're on his side?

Very seriously, Xander says, I'm on Buffy's side.

The two vampires groan loudly and roll their eyes in unison.

What? Somebody has to be.

Is that why you were so happy to take me down to the tunnels yesterday? You were doing it for Buffy? Angel drags that last sentence out, mocking.

No response. Spike leans back into the couch and takes a good long look at an uncomfortable Xander while Angel continues.

Or were you hoping that Spike and I would kill each other? Because then there wouldn't be anymore pesky vampires to stand in the way of Buffy falling in love with loyal old you.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about. Xander grumbles. His leg starts bouncing again.

Angel scoffs, You've been in love with her since day one.

Xander stammers incomprehensibly. Spike smirks at him. That's why you left poor old Anya standing at the altar. Everybody knows it. Just give it up already.

Xander is starting to freak a little. You... you two are just turning on me now so you don't have to face the fact that neither of you deserve her!

Spike smiles softly, a little sadly. No, I'm perfectly aware that I don't deserve her. He looks over at Angel. And he doesn't think he deserves anything, so your argument's a bit thin, I'd say.

Before Xander's head can explode, Dawn appears.

Ground rules, fellas.

All three of them sit up a little straighter. Dawn is pretty proud of herself for taming the wild man-beasts, but forces herself not to smile. She's coming down. But only if you promise to adhere to the rules.

Xander leans forward. Okay. What are they?

She speaks first. When she's done, she'll ask one of you to speak. There will be no talking over, no yelling, no sulking and definitely no punching. Everyone will get the chance to have their say. Unless their say is taking too long and making everyone crazy.

Why did you look at me when you said that? Spike demands, looking stricken.

Hey, I'm just the messenger. These are her words. Maybe I'm just looking at you cause you're so DANG handsome. Dawn is clearly teasing.

Xander and Angel snicker to themselves as Spike sulks.

And no sulking! I thought I made that clear.

Spike sits up, exasperated.
As if she's leading a cheer, Dawn shouts. So, do we all agree to the rules?!

A wave of downtrodden murmurs ripples through the room.

Still in cheer mode, Dawn bounces over to the steps. Buffy, I've beaten them back for you. It's safe to come down now!

In anticipation, Xander clears his throat and smoothes out his shirt. Spike tries to find a sitting position. Angel tries to check his hair out on the sly only to be snorted at by Spike. He shoots him a glare and then looks away. Now Spike is thinking of his own hair. He leans his elbow on the arm of the couch and manages to subtly smooth it out a little without being detected.

Buffy comes down the stairs looking very beautiful and calm. She moves slowly and carefully, it's clear she's still in a lot of pain.

When spike sees her he draws in a long breath. Being trapped in a small room all night with tweedle dee and tweedle dum was absolutely worth this moment... seeing Buffy again.

She sits down in front of them.

I heard you guys had a lively night. Buffy seems strangely relaxed.

No one responds. They've been told not to speak unless called on.

Buffy laughs quietly, then whimpers.

Buffy, are you okay?
Xander and Spike glare at Angel for breaking the rules and speaking first.

I'm fine.

There is a long, tense pause.

Angel stabbed your chair. Spike announces suddenly.

Buffy looks at him, nonplussed, then looks over at Angel.

It was an accident. Angel sheepishly raises his arm to reveal the torn fabric.

Buffy still doesn't get it, and doesn't really want to. She's just going to move on. Angel... why exactly did you come here?

So he's up first. It's all right. He's prepared. Okay... well... this vampire came into my hotel, looking for the vampire with a soul...

Sounds like the start of a bad joke, Spike snidely interrupts.

Xander looks confused. You have a hotel?

Dawn glares at them over Buffy's shoulder. They fall silent.

Angel continues after giving them both a look. I assumed he was looking for me, but he said that I wasn't the vampire with the soul that he knew... and then he described this short, skinny, bleached hair monstrosity and naturally I thought of Spike.

He grins at Spike who is squinting at him. Choosing to ignore the comment, Spike asks, What did this vamp look like?

I don't know... kinda big... ugly. His name was Lenny.

Lenny! Did you kill him?

I was a little distracted.

Spike is outraged. What are you, new? You ALWAYS kill them! What if he followed you here?

Calmly, Buffy says, Then WE'LL kill him. And I believe Angel still has the floor.

Spike shuts up, feeling a bit admonished although Buffy's tone was lighter and softer than usual.

Buffy looks at Angel and he continues. So I didn't even know Spike was back in Sunnydale... you never told me...

He waits for some kind of explanation from Buffy but gets nothing. As Angel continues, Spike looks at Buffy, a little curious.

...anyway, I figured he was pulling some kind of scam. And I wanted to make sure he wasn't... that you guys were safe. Now Angel can't meet her eyes. Then I got here, and Xander... filled me in.

Instead of looking embarrassed or sheepish, Buffy simply nods and shifts in her chair, looking at Xander. Xander starts a little, he's not yet ready for it to be his turn. Tough.

Xander, why did you bring Angel to the tunnels?

I... he... he asked how to get there and I figured it was better if I went along.

Spike turns to Angel. How did you know we'd be there?

The night before... I saw you in the graveyard.

So you were watching us. Buffy says, still very calm. It's just a statement she's making, not an accusation.

Angel takes it as an accusation. I wanted to see what was going on before I... obviously I was confused. So I went to Xander.

Xander doesn't want to be the partner in crime here. I didn't even want to let him in! But he seemed kind of sad and just wanted to know what was happening. And when I brought him to the tunnels I didn't know he was gonna be all... confrontational.

Buffy smiles at Xander. Are you actually trying to sell that story?

Xander relents. All right. I thought it would kinda funny.

And the reason you told Angel every tiny detail of my life now is why, exactly?

Xander doesn't have an answer for that except... I was... I was kinda drunk.

Buffy nods. Ahh. Okay... well. Next time you're drunk... tell your own life story.

Xander looks hurt.

Buffy sighs and shakes her head. Xander, I love you.

All three men look a bit startled.

Buffy continues. Your my best friend. But what went on between me and Spike-- She glances quickly at Spike and gets a bit flustered. -- it's between me and Spike. And that's it. I know you care about me and you're worried about me making a wrong decision.... but you have to back off, okay? And let me live my life.

I'm sorry, Buffy. I am... but... Xander can't help himself. What he did to you...

Xander. I know what he did.

Spike starts to slip into a very dark mood, remembering.

And thanks to you... everyone knows what he did... or what he tried to do. You told my sister without asking me, Anya... and now Angel? You had no right to do that. I don't care what justification you give it. It is not necessary for you to go around telling everyone something so personal to me. You bring it up all the time as though it happened to you! And I want it to stop! Now. You don't know the whole story. There are things you will never know, because they are NONE of your BUSINESS.

The others react. Damn. Buffy's laying down the law. Spike is still in a dark place when he hears Xander apologize.

I'm sorry, Buffy.

I know.

She turns back to Angel.

And you.

Me again?

Spike looks up. Did he miss his turn?

Buffy doesn't seem to notice. She is on a roll. Angel... I want you to go home.

Angel looks down, angry and hurt. Buffy softens.

I appreciate you coming and checking on me. But... I'm not in your jurisdiction anymore.

Angel turns back to meet her eyes. He's never seen her so together, so confident about anything but slaying. She seems so grown up now. It's hard for him to deal with. She continues.

You were the one who walked away, remember? You didn't think I could have a normal life with you. But here's where it's funny... I'm never going to have a normal life. And maybe you didn't realize it... or maybe it was just an excuse because you couldn't handle being with me and not... being with me.

Angel tries to protest, but Buffy cuts him off.

It doesn't matter. I don't blame you. Well... not anymore. I'm... you know that deep down I'll always love you...

Spike exhales shakily, trying not to have a reaction to that.

...but I'm a different person now. And so are you. You have a new life up there in L.A. And I have a life right here. And... I kind of like it.

Spike feels her eyes on him. He looks up to find her smiling at him. He looks at the others to see if they're smiling too, maybe he's the punch line of a joke he doesn't understand. No one else is smiling. He looks back at Buffy. She is very focused on him.

Now... YOU.

Spike sits up. He's just about ready for anything she can throw at him. The way he feels right now, he wouldn't even fight her off if she tried to stake him.

She doesn't seem to want to stake him, although her smile fades. Why didn't you tell me?

I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't think... I knew you'd be... Spike gathers his wits and slows down, wanting to be totally clear and honest. I just didn't think you would let me help you if you knew I was... still in love with you.

Buffy sits up straighter at this and inhales sharply, causing her pain to flair a bit. She winces.



Stop saying you're sorry. She holds her ribs for a minute... eyes closed tightly... then relaxes. I wasn't talking about that. I mean... that's... information... that's new and useful. But I meant... you knew I thought your soul was a curse. Just like Angel's.

No I didn't.

Yes you did. You let me believe it on purpose.

I... well... it's not hardly an issue, is it? Spike's eyes flit nervously back and forth to Xander and Angel. They're staring at him. What's the bloody difference, anyway?

Buffy also has the feeling of being watched. Now she wishes she'd done private chats with each of them. But maybe this is something everyone needs to hear.

There's a huge difference, Spike.

Angel reacts to this. Buffy turns to him. I'm sorry, but... it is different. I mean... both times, it was something done to you... not something you... did.

Xander's not happy. Spike is getting off too easily. Yeah, but Buffy, he only got the soul because of you!

Buffy turns to him, honestly curious. And you're saying that's a bad thing?

Spike's head shoots up. He looks into her eyes. Is she saying... what is she saying?

Xander is at a loss for words. Angel is growing more uncomfortable. None of this stops Buffy. Still looking into Spike's eyes she says, He hurt me. He realized it. And he risked his life and his sanity to make sure he'd never do it again. I'm sorry, Xander, but to me, that's not so much a diabolical scheme.

Spike stares back at her. He has no idea what to think.

Suddenly Angel jumps up from his chair.

So what are you saying, Buffy? You're saying that... you and Spike... are you saying that you...

Love him? Xander finishes.

Buffy is getting a little overwhelmed, especially with Angel standing over her with an accusatory look on his face, Xander looking over at her with a scowl, and Spike sitting in front of her looking very lost, and a little frightened.

Okay... Angel... first of all. Sit. Down.

Angel shakes his head and sits down, angrily. Buffy takes a few minutes to clear her head. Then:

I'm gonna need a minute... alone. With Spike. There's things that need to be said, that--

Xander shakes his head violently, No way. We had to take our lashings out here in the public forum so whatever you have to say to Spike you say it right here!

Buffy looks at Xander. Why are you being like this?

Because I... ! Xander trails off. He tries to calm down. Look, you told me you loved me, but to stay the hell out of your life. Fine. You told Angel you loved him and not to let the door hit him in the ass on his way out. So go ahead and tell Spike that you think he's swell, but you don't love him and a relationship with another vampire is the last thing you need. Then we can all get out of here and leave you alone so you can finish healing.

Buffy looks at Xander for such a long time he has to finally ask,

She just shakes her head and turns to Spike. Her expression softening. He is on the verge of tears.

Spike... do you remember the night I died?

This takes him completely off guard.

Of course I do.

Do you remember what you said to me, at my house... before?

About protecting Dawn?

Dawn looks at Spike. He glances at her and looks away, shyly.

Buffy leans in towards him, speaking very softly. ...when you said you knew I'd never love you.

Spike feels many sets of eyes boring into him. He looks down, shamed.



There's a pause, then Spike hears Buffy say, You were wrong.

Spike slowly lifts his head and meets Buffy's eyes. She is crying softly.

I love you, Spike

TBC