Chapter 6
The room is filled with tense silence for a long moment. Spike's expression is unreadable. Mostly, he's trying to process what Buffy just told him.
Finally, Xander cuts through the quiet. "But..." He looks at Buffy expectantly.
Buffy doesn't want to break eye contact with Spike but now she's distracted. She looks at Xander. "What?"
"There has to be a 'but'... you have to go with the trend you started. You love him. Whatever. I don't get it but whatever. BUT... you can't be together the way he wants... right?"
Buffy just stares at him. "Why not, Xander?"
Angel answers this question, trying very hard to keep his cool. "Because it's a huge mistake. And he'll hurt you again."
"Angel--"
"He's right." Spike finally speaks. Everyone looks at him. "Not about hurting you. I would never again... *could* never again. But everything about me is a huge mistake. I shouldn't have come back to Sunnydale. I shouldn't have fallen in love with you. I shouldn't have gotten my soul. Truth is, it probably woulda been best if you'd staked me ages ago."
Buffy is speechless. She shakes her head, trying to find words. Spike continues, sadly.
"And you and I should never have happened. It was... unnatural and wrong. You don't belong with someone like me."
Okay, now she's mad. "Unnatural?"
Spike looks up, a little surprised.
"What we had was unnatural? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Buffy I--"
"No, Spike, seriously... what was so unnatural? What are you like... grossed out by me now or something?"
Everyone is kind of in shock.
Buffy stands and Spike stands to face her. Now he's just a guy who said the wrong thing, trying to fix it. "No... Buffy... I didn't mean... Not you. I'm the one who's unnatural. I mean I'm dead... a century now... dead. And you..."
"Are some freak who gets off on dead guys!" Buffy is fuming. "That's basically what you're saying if you're saying I don't really feel what I feel."
The eyebrow of Spike's confusion arches sharply. "What?"
Xander and Angel are just sitting there watching this car wreck, unable to move or speak.
Buffy pokes at Spike's chest. "Listen, it took me long enough to figure this thing out and to finally accept it, so when I tell you I love you, you'd better believe I mean it you son of a bitch!"
Spike is so shocked by this that he actually laughs, although his brows are still knitted in confusion. He shakes his head and smile starts to form on his face. Is this really happening?
Angel glowers darkly in his chair, he knows the battle is lost. Xander is a little slower on the uptake. He stands.
"Buffy... are you crazy?"
Spike continues to smile at Buffy and answers for her. "Yeah, Harris, I think she might be."
Buffy's anger falls away and she smiles back at Spike.
Angel's had enough. He stands to leave. Buffy breaks her smile kiss with Spike and turns to him. "Angel wait. Don't leave yet. I want to talk to you. Explain."
"It's okay... I think I got it." Angels snarks and walks toward the door. Buffy looks back at Spike who reads her eyes and nods. She turns and runs after Angel.
Spike is left alone in the living room with a grinning Dawn and a scowling Xander.
"You know, just because she doesn't hate you doesn't mean I'm going to not hate you." Xander sneers.
"I know."
"In fact, I think I hate you even more now."
"Okay." Spike shrugs. His mood can not be swayed.
***
Out in the foyer, Buffy is talking quietly with Angel.
"I'm sorry about this. I know this must be..."
Angel shakes his head. "I'm not the one you should be worried about Buffy."
Buffy watches his face. "What do you expect from me, Angel? Did you want me to never fall in love with anyone else?"
He looks at her.
"Or just not Spike?"
"Buffy... do you even remember why it was so hard for us? This thing with him... with any vampire... it's not..."
"It's not an ideal situation, no. You know what else isn't ideal? Being chosen to save the world every five minutes and knowing that you might never make it to your twenty fifth birthday. Teaching your little sister how to defend herself against things that might kill her on the way home from school."
Angel looks down at his feet. He's starting to get it.
"I'm tired of trying to be normal and feeling miserable because I'm not. Don't you understand? I need to be someone who accepts me for who I am, not someone trying to guide me toward what I should be."
After a long moment, he's able to meet her eyes, "I'm so sorry, Buffy."
Buffy looks down and breathes deeply. She's been practicing that speech since he left town, four years ago. She never thought she'd actually be saying the words to him. And now he's actually apologizing.
They're awkwardly quiet for a bit, then Angel speaks. "I still love you."
Buffy tenses a bit. "I know. But you left."
"And it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I am sorry I hurt you but I still think it was the right thing to do. You know what, Buffy? Love really doesn't conquer all."
"Yeah, but the least it could do is put up a fight."
Angel reacts, stung.
Buffy instantly regrets saying it. "Angel, I'm sorry."
"No. No, maybe you're right. Maybe Spike's right. I can't believe I just said that."
Buffy laughs a little.
"It's just that... in my mind... I could never in a million years feel I've done enough to deserve you. And to see you with Spike... I just... he's such an asshole."
Now Buffy lets out a real laugh.
"He's cocky and conceited and rash and damn him, he loves you better than I ever could."
There is shocked silence between them. Buffy doesn't know what to say.
Angel continues. "He knows that he doesn't deserve you either, but he loves you so much he doesn't care. I guess I envy that. Buffy, I'm never gonna like the idea of you and Spike, but if his selfish, pig-headed ignorance actually makes it possible for him to give you a happy life, then... well... I guess that's... a good thing"
There is more awkward silence. Then, Buffy suddenly lets out a little sob and steps forward, putting her arms around Angel's neck and pulling him into a tight hug. In his own reluctant way, he has finally given her the closure she needs to move on. She feels so very grateful to him for it.
After a moment of surprise, Angel closes his eyes and squeezes back, knowing this is goodbye. He holds her tightly and whispers at her neck. "If you ever need me for anything, if he ever... if you ever need my help, don't be afraid to call me. I will always be there for you. I promise. No matter what."
Buffy sniffles a little and pulls away. "Thank you so much, Angel. I mean that. But you should know that there doesn't always have to be a crisis for you to come see me. Next time, I'm hoping it will be more of a social call."
Angel smiles and nods. "It's a deal. But if you should ever decide to become Mrs. The Bloody, please DON'T invite me to the wedding."
Buffy grins up at him. "Fair enough."
***
Buffy re-enters the living room smiling but wiping away a few stray tears. She stops in her tracks when she sees Xander and Spike kneeling at the coffee table, arm wrestling. Dawn stands over them, deeply concentrating on their clasped hands and making sure no cheating is going on.
"What the hell is this?" Buffy demands of the two men, but they don't look up. They're staring into each other's eyes, veins bulging, teeth gritted... oh yeah, it's go time, baby.
Dawn answers without taking her eyes off the game. "It was my idea. It's the only way they can settle this like men without Spike's chip going off."
"Like men? What kind of men? Truckers?"
Everyone ignores this.
Buffy rolls her eyes and sits in a chair, purposely facing away from them. After a moment, she steals a glance toward them, Xander is turning red. Spike is determined but getting tired. She makes a loud sound of annoyance. Spike flicks his eyes to her and in that instant, Xander slams his hand on to the table.
"OHHHH YEAH, baby! In YO FACE!" Xander is ecstatic. He jumps up, grabs Dawn, picks her up and spins her around. She giggles. Buffy hides a smile.
Spike stands, watching the celebration with disgust. "I was distracted!"
"Yeah, by my formidable strength! Wuss!" Xander feels terrific. There's a great big grin on his face.
Spike crosses his arms in a pout. "Liked you better when you were pissed off."
"Liked you better when you weren't here. Guess we'll both have to deal." Spike grumbles and turns away. Xander glances at Buffy quickly and then turns to Dawn. "Hey, how about a celebratory jaunt to Taco Bell?"
"Mmm. Yo Quiero!"
"Get your coat."
When Dawn darts to the hall, Xander addresses Buffy. "I gather you want to be alone. I'll take her to a movie and then I'll call after to see if you wan't her to stay at my place for the night."
Spike spins around to look at him, confused. Buffy is floored. "Xander! You don't have to--"
"Look, I don't like him." He looks at Spike who makes a face at him. Xander turns back to Buffy. "But you do. So there must be something good in him somewhere. Maybe I'll see it one day. I DOUBT it... but maybe."
Spike looks like he might cry. That was the nicest thing Xander has ever said to him.
Xander tries not to look at Spike. "So, have... fun. Or... uh... bye."
He turns around to leave. Spike can't stop himself. He shouts, "Thank you," at Xander's back.
"Yeah, fine." Xander mumbles nervously as he walks away. Being this noble feels kinda weird. He meets up with Dawn at the front door.
"Hang on a sec," she says, and goes into the living room. She walks slowly up to Buffy who looks a bit worried. Dawn smiles at her and gives her a hug. "You did good, today."
Tears well in Buffy's eyes. She's not sure what to say. Dawn's maturity is a little surprising.
Dawn pulls away still smiling, then looks at Spike. Her smile drops. He shifts his weight and clears his throat, nervous about whether she's going to threaten to set him on fire again. Instead she walks up to him and gives him a big hug. "Thanks for loving my sister so much."
Spike awkwardly puts his arms around Dawn and pats her on the back, looking over her shoulder at Buffy. A tear runs down Buffy's cheek. This is something neither of them expected. Dawn pulls away and looks at him. "I know it's not a hard job, but you're pretty good at it, anyway."
Spike smiles and in a hoarse, emotion filled voice he says, "Thanks, pidge."
Dawn smiles at both of them and heads out into the hall where Xander has been standing, watching with a half smile, the whole time. "Have fun," she calls to them as she and Xander exit.
Spike and Buffy stare at the closed door, still in some shock. Finally, Buffy turns to look at Spike.
He takes a deep breath and smiles a little. "Hi."
"Hi."
They're quiet for a while, neither is sure of what to say first.
Finally, Buffy speaks. "You let Xander win, didn't you?"
"Course I did, luv. Vampire strength. Can't help it the sod's daft enough to think he can beat that."
Buffy takes a step closer. Spike tenses slightly, then relaxes. "Of all the good you've done since getting that soul... even since getting the chip... I think what you just did was the most selfless."
Spike shrugs and looks away. "Well, I do plan to tell him, eventually. Otherwise, what's the fun?"
Buffy smiles and moves closer. Spike does not budge. His feet feel like they're glued to the floor. He wants so badly to touch her, but he's afraid any sudden moves will shatter this dream of a day.
"Some day, huh?" It's as if she's read his thoughts.
"Well, if it's really happening, I'd say I don't remember a better one."
She is standing right in front of him now, so close he can feel her body heat. He gasps at her touch as she runs her hands up his arms and slides her fingers into his hair. "Buffy, I--" She yanks on a handful of his hair. "OW!"
Buffy presses her forehead to his, smiling. "Didja wake up?"
Spike grins. His whole body is humming at her closeness. "No."
"That means it's really happening. And wanna know the best part?" Spike doesn't respond. He's too focused on her lips as he watches her say, "Day's not over yet."
And then there's no more space between them. Their lips meet in a searing kiss. Their hands travel down backs and over shouders and hips and waists, trying to pull the other even closer. This is their first real kiss. There are no spells this time, no holding back, no cold mechanical fullfillment of need, this is the deeply passionate and pure kiss of two people very much in love. When Buffy pulls away, she sways a bit. Spike is out of breath.
She looks up into his eyes. "I love you," she says quietly.
Spike is overwhelmed, he can't stop the tears from blurring his view of her. He wipes roughly at his eyes with shaking hands. "I love you, too. So much, Buffy." She tiptoes up and kisses his wet cheek, then slowly kisses down his face and finally presses her lips again to his mouth. Her knees turn to jelly as he deepens the kiss and wraps his strong arms around her. She can feel herself aching for him.
Slowly, Buffy pulls away and smiles at Spike's small groan as she breaks contact. She takes his hand and starts to lead him to the stairs.
"Come on."
Spike follows, entranced, but stops when he realizes where they're going. "Buffy, are you sure?"
She doesn't respond. Instead, she starts to unbutton her blouse as she walks backward toward the stairs with a wicked smile on her face. Spike is actually panting now, as he watches her kick off her shoes and start up the stairs. She takes off her blouse and tosses it at his head. He catches it and inhales her perfume before tossing it aside. Buffy is now half naked and waiting for him on the stairs. He's not a stupid man. In seconds he is on top of her on the stairs, kissing and touching. "Spike, I want you," she whispers into his ear. He looks down at her wide eyes staring up at him, full of love and desire. This truly is the best day of his life.
Suddenly, he stands and pulls her up to stand with him. She looks a little disappointed until he sweeps her into his arms and carries her the rest of the way up the stairs.
***
The room is filled with tense silence for a long moment. Spike's expression is unreadable. Mostly, he's trying to process what Buffy just told him.
Finally, Xander cuts through the quiet. "But..." He looks at Buffy expectantly.
Buffy doesn't want to break eye contact with Spike but now she's distracted. She looks at Xander. "What?"
"There has to be a 'but'... you have to go with the trend you started. You love him. Whatever. I don't get it but whatever. BUT... you can't be together the way he wants... right?"
Buffy just stares at him. "Why not, Xander?"
Angel answers this question, trying very hard to keep his cool. "Because it's a huge mistake. And he'll hurt you again."
"Angel--"
"He's right." Spike finally speaks. Everyone looks at him. "Not about hurting you. I would never again... *could* never again. But everything about me is a huge mistake. I shouldn't have come back to Sunnydale. I shouldn't have fallen in love with you. I shouldn't have gotten my soul. Truth is, it probably woulda been best if you'd staked me ages ago."
Buffy is speechless. She shakes her head, trying to find words. Spike continues, sadly.
"And you and I should never have happened. It was... unnatural and wrong. You don't belong with someone like me."
Okay, now she's mad. "Unnatural?"
Spike looks up, a little surprised.
"What we had was unnatural? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Buffy I--"
"No, Spike, seriously... what was so unnatural? What are you like... grossed out by me now or something?"
Everyone is kind of in shock.
Buffy stands and Spike stands to face her. Now he's just a guy who said the wrong thing, trying to fix it. "No... Buffy... I didn't mean... Not you. I'm the one who's unnatural. I mean I'm dead... a century now... dead. And you..."
"Are some freak who gets off on dead guys!" Buffy is fuming. "That's basically what you're saying if you're saying I don't really feel what I feel."
The eyebrow of Spike's confusion arches sharply. "What?"
Xander and Angel are just sitting there watching this car wreck, unable to move or speak.
Buffy pokes at Spike's chest. "Listen, it took me long enough to figure this thing out and to finally accept it, so when I tell you I love you, you'd better believe I mean it you son of a bitch!"
Spike is so shocked by this that he actually laughs, although his brows are still knitted in confusion. He shakes his head and smile starts to form on his face. Is this really happening?
Angel glowers darkly in his chair, he knows the battle is lost. Xander is a little slower on the uptake. He stands.
"Buffy... are you crazy?"
Spike continues to smile at Buffy and answers for her. "Yeah, Harris, I think she might be."
Buffy's anger falls away and she smiles back at Spike.
Angel's had enough. He stands to leave. Buffy breaks her smile kiss with Spike and turns to him. "Angel wait. Don't leave yet. I want to talk to you. Explain."
"It's okay... I think I got it." Angels snarks and walks toward the door. Buffy looks back at Spike who reads her eyes and nods. She turns and runs after Angel.
Spike is left alone in the living room with a grinning Dawn and a scowling Xander.
"You know, just because she doesn't hate you doesn't mean I'm going to not hate you." Xander sneers.
"I know."
"In fact, I think I hate you even more now."
"Okay." Spike shrugs. His mood can not be swayed.
***
Out in the foyer, Buffy is talking quietly with Angel.
"I'm sorry about this. I know this must be..."
Angel shakes his head. "I'm not the one you should be worried about Buffy."
Buffy watches his face. "What do you expect from me, Angel? Did you want me to never fall in love with anyone else?"
He looks at her.
"Or just not Spike?"
"Buffy... do you even remember why it was so hard for us? This thing with him... with any vampire... it's not..."
"It's not an ideal situation, no. You know what else isn't ideal? Being chosen to save the world every five minutes and knowing that you might never make it to your twenty fifth birthday. Teaching your little sister how to defend herself against things that might kill her on the way home from school."
Angel looks down at his feet. He's starting to get it.
"I'm tired of trying to be normal and feeling miserable because I'm not. Don't you understand? I need to be someone who accepts me for who I am, not someone trying to guide me toward what I should be."
After a long moment, he's able to meet her eyes, "I'm so sorry, Buffy."
Buffy looks down and breathes deeply. She's been practicing that speech since he left town, four years ago. She never thought she'd actually be saying the words to him. And now he's actually apologizing.
They're awkwardly quiet for a bit, then Angel speaks. "I still love you."
Buffy tenses a bit. "I know. But you left."
"And it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I am sorry I hurt you but I still think it was the right thing to do. You know what, Buffy? Love really doesn't conquer all."
"Yeah, but the least it could do is put up a fight."
Angel reacts, stung.
Buffy instantly regrets saying it. "Angel, I'm sorry."
"No. No, maybe you're right. Maybe Spike's right. I can't believe I just said that."
Buffy laughs a little.
"It's just that... in my mind... I could never in a million years feel I've done enough to deserve you. And to see you with Spike... I just... he's such an asshole."
Now Buffy lets out a real laugh.
"He's cocky and conceited and rash and damn him, he loves you better than I ever could."
There is shocked silence between them. Buffy doesn't know what to say.
Angel continues. "He knows that he doesn't deserve you either, but he loves you so much he doesn't care. I guess I envy that. Buffy, I'm never gonna like the idea of you and Spike, but if his selfish, pig-headed ignorance actually makes it possible for him to give you a happy life, then... well... I guess that's... a good thing"
There is more awkward silence. Then, Buffy suddenly lets out a little sob and steps forward, putting her arms around Angel's neck and pulling him into a tight hug. In his own reluctant way, he has finally given her the closure she needs to move on. She feels so very grateful to him for it.
After a moment of surprise, Angel closes his eyes and squeezes back, knowing this is goodbye. He holds her tightly and whispers at her neck. "If you ever need me for anything, if he ever... if you ever need my help, don't be afraid to call me. I will always be there for you. I promise. No matter what."
Buffy sniffles a little and pulls away. "Thank you so much, Angel. I mean that. But you should know that there doesn't always have to be a crisis for you to come see me. Next time, I'm hoping it will be more of a social call."
Angel smiles and nods. "It's a deal. But if you should ever decide to become Mrs. The Bloody, please DON'T invite me to the wedding."
Buffy grins up at him. "Fair enough."
***
Buffy re-enters the living room smiling but wiping away a few stray tears. She stops in her tracks when she sees Xander and Spike kneeling at the coffee table, arm wrestling. Dawn stands over them, deeply concentrating on their clasped hands and making sure no cheating is going on.
"What the hell is this?" Buffy demands of the two men, but they don't look up. They're staring into each other's eyes, veins bulging, teeth gritted... oh yeah, it's go time, baby.
Dawn answers without taking her eyes off the game. "It was my idea. It's the only way they can settle this like men without Spike's chip going off."
"Like men? What kind of men? Truckers?"
Everyone ignores this.
Buffy rolls her eyes and sits in a chair, purposely facing away from them. After a moment, she steals a glance toward them, Xander is turning red. Spike is determined but getting tired. She makes a loud sound of annoyance. Spike flicks his eyes to her and in that instant, Xander slams his hand on to the table.
"OHHHH YEAH, baby! In YO FACE!" Xander is ecstatic. He jumps up, grabs Dawn, picks her up and spins her around. She giggles. Buffy hides a smile.
Spike stands, watching the celebration with disgust. "I was distracted!"
"Yeah, by my formidable strength! Wuss!" Xander feels terrific. There's a great big grin on his face.
Spike crosses his arms in a pout. "Liked you better when you were pissed off."
"Liked you better when you weren't here. Guess we'll both have to deal." Spike grumbles and turns away. Xander glances at Buffy quickly and then turns to Dawn. "Hey, how about a celebratory jaunt to Taco Bell?"
"Mmm. Yo Quiero!"
"Get your coat."
When Dawn darts to the hall, Xander addresses Buffy. "I gather you want to be alone. I'll take her to a movie and then I'll call after to see if you wan't her to stay at my place for the night."
Spike spins around to look at him, confused. Buffy is floored. "Xander! You don't have to--"
"Look, I don't like him." He looks at Spike who makes a face at him. Xander turns back to Buffy. "But you do. So there must be something good in him somewhere. Maybe I'll see it one day. I DOUBT it... but maybe."
Spike looks like he might cry. That was the nicest thing Xander has ever said to him.
Xander tries not to look at Spike. "So, have... fun. Or... uh... bye."
He turns around to leave. Spike can't stop himself. He shouts, "Thank you," at Xander's back.
"Yeah, fine." Xander mumbles nervously as he walks away. Being this noble feels kinda weird. He meets up with Dawn at the front door.
"Hang on a sec," she says, and goes into the living room. She walks slowly up to Buffy who looks a bit worried. Dawn smiles at her and gives her a hug. "You did good, today."
Tears well in Buffy's eyes. She's not sure what to say. Dawn's maturity is a little surprising.
Dawn pulls away still smiling, then looks at Spike. Her smile drops. He shifts his weight and clears his throat, nervous about whether she's going to threaten to set him on fire again. Instead she walks up to him and gives him a big hug. "Thanks for loving my sister so much."
Spike awkwardly puts his arms around Dawn and pats her on the back, looking over her shoulder at Buffy. A tear runs down Buffy's cheek. This is something neither of them expected. Dawn pulls away and looks at him. "I know it's not a hard job, but you're pretty good at it, anyway."
Spike smiles and in a hoarse, emotion filled voice he says, "Thanks, pidge."
Dawn smiles at both of them and heads out into the hall where Xander has been standing, watching with a half smile, the whole time. "Have fun," she calls to them as she and Xander exit.
Spike and Buffy stare at the closed door, still in some shock. Finally, Buffy turns to look at Spike.
He takes a deep breath and smiles a little. "Hi."
"Hi."
They're quiet for a while, neither is sure of what to say first.
Finally, Buffy speaks. "You let Xander win, didn't you?"
"Course I did, luv. Vampire strength. Can't help it the sod's daft enough to think he can beat that."
Buffy takes a step closer. Spike tenses slightly, then relaxes. "Of all the good you've done since getting that soul... even since getting the chip... I think what you just did was the most selfless."
Spike shrugs and looks away. "Well, I do plan to tell him, eventually. Otherwise, what's the fun?"
Buffy smiles and moves closer. Spike does not budge. His feet feel like they're glued to the floor. He wants so badly to touch her, but he's afraid any sudden moves will shatter this dream of a day.
"Some day, huh?" It's as if she's read his thoughts.
"Well, if it's really happening, I'd say I don't remember a better one."
She is standing right in front of him now, so close he can feel her body heat. He gasps at her touch as she runs her hands up his arms and slides her fingers into his hair. "Buffy, I--" She yanks on a handful of his hair. "OW!"
Buffy presses her forehead to his, smiling. "Didja wake up?"
Spike grins. His whole body is humming at her closeness. "No."
"That means it's really happening. And wanna know the best part?" Spike doesn't respond. He's too focused on her lips as he watches her say, "Day's not over yet."
And then there's no more space between them. Their lips meet in a searing kiss. Their hands travel down backs and over shouders and hips and waists, trying to pull the other even closer. This is their first real kiss. There are no spells this time, no holding back, no cold mechanical fullfillment of need, this is the deeply passionate and pure kiss of two people very much in love. When Buffy pulls away, she sways a bit. Spike is out of breath.
She looks up into his eyes. "I love you," she says quietly.
Spike is overwhelmed, he can't stop the tears from blurring his view of her. He wipes roughly at his eyes with shaking hands. "I love you, too. So much, Buffy." She tiptoes up and kisses his wet cheek, then slowly kisses down his face and finally presses her lips again to his mouth. Her knees turn to jelly as he deepens the kiss and wraps his strong arms around her. She can feel herself aching for him.
Slowly, Buffy pulls away and smiles at Spike's small groan as she breaks contact. She takes his hand and starts to lead him to the stairs.
"Come on."
Spike follows, entranced, but stops when he realizes where they're going. "Buffy, are you sure?"
She doesn't respond. Instead, she starts to unbutton her blouse as she walks backward toward the stairs with a wicked smile on her face. Spike is actually panting now, as he watches her kick off her shoes and start up the stairs. She takes off her blouse and tosses it at his head. He catches it and inhales her perfume before tossing it aside. Buffy is now half naked and waiting for him on the stairs. He's not a stupid man. In seconds he is on top of her on the stairs, kissing and touching. "Spike, I want you," she whispers into his ear. He looks down at her wide eyes staring up at him, full of love and desire. This truly is the best day of his life.
Suddenly, he stands and pulls her up to stand with him. She looks a little disappointed until he sweeps her into his arms and carries her the rest of the way up the stairs.
***