CYD 5
"I have no where else to go." Phoebe began to cry hysterically, not caring Cole was watching her break down after trying to look so strong for such a long time. Cole instantly grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her, and it was just like old times. Whenever she was hurt or crying he would hold her and lay down with her, rocking her and soothing her till she was all right. Now old habits took over as they both forgot what they had been putting each other through recently as Cole held Phoebe against him and led her to the couch. Neither protested. All that mattered was Phoebe was hurting, and Cole was taking care of it. "That is okay. I am glad you came. What happened?" Cole asked gently as he held her tightly with one arm, reaching for a nearby blanket with the other hand. "My sisters and I got into a huge fight. It was horrible." Phoebe whispered as she broke down in tears again, clinging to his shirt tightly, her emotions taking over her completely. "Shhh shh shh. You are safe here." He talked to her softly, making comforting sounds and rubbing her back slowly and soothingly. "And what hurts the most is what they said was real, was the truth. They hate me, and I hate them. You know, I have been living with it for some time, but tonight," Phoebe faltered. "Well tonight was the last straw. I could not handle any more. I need, I want." Phoebe faltered again. "What do you want baby?" Cole asked, realizing how fragile his ex-wife was, how he had to be gentle and slow with her. "I w-want, I-I wa-ant, I want to die." She confessed as her body shook with new pain. "I want to die Cole. There is no reason for living, nothing anymore. I dread the next day. Every breath is a pain; every word is a dagger in my heart. I cannot stand it. I dream of dying, of never waking up. Please, please help me. Help me escape." Phoebe begged. "No." Cole whispered, almost to himself, trying to deny the overwhelming anguish he felt in his heart. His Phoebe was hurting, depressed, alone, suicidal. The thoughts of her dreaming of taking her own life and lying in a coffin for all eternity frightened him. He clutched her tightly, crying into her hair. How had things gotten so far? How had they gotten out of hand? How could Piper and Paige not have seen what was slowly eating their sister from the inside out, till there was nothing left? "No, do you hear me, Phoebe? No. You must never do that; that must never happen. I do not know what I would do if you died. Please, please Phoebe. Please." He begged as he cried harder and harder. His tears slid down to her face, where they mingled like the water and her tears in the shower. "You have to fight this." She slowly lifted her tear-stained face to meet his eyes. "How?" she asked quietly. "How can I do this? It hurts so much. You do not understand. Watching life go on while my soul is dying, watching other families develop, watching good happen, feeling the pain as I listen to Piper everyday talk about her baby. What about mine? What about ours? Why can we not have our family, our baby? It just, God, it hurts so bad." "No baby?" Cole did not understand at first, but began to as the truth sunk in. His child, their baby was dead. Phoebe was not pregnant with a part of their love; she was barren, almost as much as him, though in different ways. "No, no baby, Cole. The baby is dead. He has been for a few weeks. I did not know how to tell you, did not know how you would react. It has been hard enough for me, even harder as I lost him." Phoebe said into his chest, holding her breath, knowing Cole was not going to take the news easily. She looked at his hand trembling on her side. She did not know how much more he could take, but knew she had to tell him the full truth. She glanced up at his eyes, but they were not focused on her anymore, but something in the distance, something only he could see. Perhaps it was his dream, perhaps their family, perhaps their baby. Only Cole could see the vision that was making him cry as the tears quietly escaped from his eyes. Phoebe felt horrible, dirty inside. Here she was hurting, being selfish by forcing all this pain on Cole. There had to be a way to bring him back, to in a way apologize for what she told him. "I am sorry. He would have loved you." She said quietly, hoping he would acknowledge her. "He would have loved you to." Cole whispered as he continued to stare into space. Phoebe watched him for a few minutes, then took a breath and continued the hard, yet necessary, conversation. "So where does that leave us now? What are we going to do? How are we going to fix this?" she anxiously asked. "Look, Phoebe, I." Cole began, but she interrupted. "I am sorry." She whispered. "I never meant to hurt you." "It is okay." He replied. "I guess we have both been through a lot of pain.
"How did we get here?" Phoebe asked, almost to herself. "Look, Phoebe, I do not know how we got here. I do not know how this fell apart, how this went so far. All I do know is no matter what any document or judge says, I love you. I always have and I always will, even if you do not want me to. Maybe it is not right for us to live together. Hell, maybe we are better off married to other people. All I know is I will always love you, and I will always be there if you fall. We are going to see this through. I am here for you. We are going to get through this, we are going to fix this. together." He said, stroking her cheek and wiping away her tears. "Together?" she asked, turning in his grasp so she faced him completely. She sat up and back, against the other side of the couch furthest from Cole. "You mean you are not mad? Oh Cole." She breathed, throwing herself into his embrace, feeling like a Southern belle from an old movie. She remembered what had happened, what had brought her there and the tears began to fall again. "I, I." she stuttered. "I cannot go back there. I cannot. I will not." She protested as Cole tried to reach for the phone. She knocked the receiver out of his hand. "No, I do not want to. Please, please do not make me." She begged. "Phoebe, where else are you going to go?" he asked calmly, trying to bring her to her senses. "I cannot look at them. Please Cole. I never want to go home, not after what was said. They will not find me here. Please let me stay the night. I promise I will not be a bother. I will find a room tomorrow, just please let me stay here for now." She begged, looking straight into his deep blue eyes. "Your sisters will worry." He argued. "It is not good for them, or you, especially Piper." "So what? If they cared, they would have found me by now." She flatly stated. "But I thought you said they would never find you here.." He said with a small smile. "Yea, well." Phoebe was at a loss for words. "Oh please let me stay here. I do not think I can go home. Besides, I have not felt like this in a long time." She quietly murmured, not meaning for Cole to hear the last sentence, though he did. Cole leaned over and hugged her tightly, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "Well, maybe just tonight." He said slowly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." She answered, letting go of him. Phoebe stood up and looked around, taking in the new home in a glance for the first time. Cole seemed to have a good, healthy, sober life here, nothing like what she had been shown in the vision of the future. "So where does a girl go to get cleaned up?" she asked, looking for the bathroom. "Well, the bathroom is over here. I will get a bed ready for you. What, just out of curiosity, do you plan to sleep in?" he asked, motioning her towards the bathroom. "This, I guess." She shrugged at her clothes she had worn that day, the ones she especially put on so Cole would see her at her prettiest. "Ah, I see. Okay, you go clean up and I will find you something to wear too." He said, leaving her and walking towards what seemed to be the master bedroom across the wide hall. Phoebe went into the bathroom and took a washcloth, wetting it with cold water and washing her face, her running makeup. Cole knocked a few seconds later, and she opened the door for him. "I, uh, could not find any pants that would fit you, so I had to settle for a big tee shirt. Is that okay?" he said a little shyly, handing her an oversized tee shirt of his, seemingly brand new, not faded or worn. "Yea, it is perfect. Thank you." She answered, taking the cloth from him. "I also got you some towels and soap. You can take a shower if you want to get warmed up. Feel free to use anything you want or need." He said, motioning to the shower and hair dryer on the sink. "Thanks." She said shyly, lowering her eyes to the ground. It was not supposed to be this awkward. "Okay then, I am gonna go get your bed ready. Want coffee?" he said, moving out of the doorframe. "Could I have hot chocolate?" she requested. "Sure." He said, and walked away, leaving her to her shower. Phoebe stepped into the shower, raising the heat to comfort her chilled body. She slowly washed herself, her hair, everything, thinking about what was happening. Could this be how she was going to get on the right path with Cole? A second chance perhaps? Phoebe's thoughts were interrupted as she realized she had been crying. Her cold tears again seemed to mingle with the warm water as they had earlier that day, a sure sign in her eyes. Suddenly everything made sense. This was how they had gotten started on the path to reconciliation. It was going to be hard, and it was going to encompass a lot of tears and hurts, but she was sure this was the way. Her heart was alive again, jumping around with newfound hope. She quietly stepped out of the shower, drying off, dressing in the tee shirt, blow-drying her hair. Phoebe walked to the kitchen, where she found Cole mixing two steaming cups of hot chocolate. He looked up and smiled faintly, offering her the cup with more in it. She accepted and they sat down at the table, drinking and slurping in silence. When they were all done Phoebe thanked him and helped him clean up. "So I guess you must be tired." Cole started the talking again. "You have had a long day." "Yea, just a little. Maybe I could stay up a little longer?" she asked like a 5-year-old child trying to get out of bedtime. Cole, the parent of the situation, gave her a stern, fatherly look. "Off to bed missy. This way." He said, grabbing her hand and leading her to the large bedroom opposite the bathroom. In it was a beautiful bed with large furniture and a comfy, cozy aura. "But Cole." Phoebe began, flabbergasted. "But this is your room." "No buts. I want you to feel as comfortable as possible here. It is the best I have to offer, and you are worth more than the best. Come on, let me show you where everything is." He once again grabbed her hand to lead her around the room, but Phoebe did not budge. "Thank you." She whispered. "I do not understand how you could be so sweet to me?" "I guess I have a thing for you." He offered a half smile. "If you need anything, anything at all, just call. I will be near." Cole went to leave the room, but was stopped by her hand this time. "I do need one little thing, I hope you do not mind." She said softly. "Anything." He answered, holding her hand just as strongly. "Stay with me tonight."
"I have no where else to go." Phoebe began to cry hysterically, not caring Cole was watching her break down after trying to look so strong for such a long time. Cole instantly grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her, and it was just like old times. Whenever she was hurt or crying he would hold her and lay down with her, rocking her and soothing her till she was all right. Now old habits took over as they both forgot what they had been putting each other through recently as Cole held Phoebe against him and led her to the couch. Neither protested. All that mattered was Phoebe was hurting, and Cole was taking care of it. "That is okay. I am glad you came. What happened?" Cole asked gently as he held her tightly with one arm, reaching for a nearby blanket with the other hand. "My sisters and I got into a huge fight. It was horrible." Phoebe whispered as she broke down in tears again, clinging to his shirt tightly, her emotions taking over her completely. "Shhh shh shh. You are safe here." He talked to her softly, making comforting sounds and rubbing her back slowly and soothingly. "And what hurts the most is what they said was real, was the truth. They hate me, and I hate them. You know, I have been living with it for some time, but tonight," Phoebe faltered. "Well tonight was the last straw. I could not handle any more. I need, I want." Phoebe faltered again. "What do you want baby?" Cole asked, realizing how fragile his ex-wife was, how he had to be gentle and slow with her. "I w-want, I-I wa-ant, I want to die." She confessed as her body shook with new pain. "I want to die Cole. There is no reason for living, nothing anymore. I dread the next day. Every breath is a pain; every word is a dagger in my heart. I cannot stand it. I dream of dying, of never waking up. Please, please help me. Help me escape." Phoebe begged. "No." Cole whispered, almost to himself, trying to deny the overwhelming anguish he felt in his heart. His Phoebe was hurting, depressed, alone, suicidal. The thoughts of her dreaming of taking her own life and lying in a coffin for all eternity frightened him. He clutched her tightly, crying into her hair. How had things gotten so far? How had they gotten out of hand? How could Piper and Paige not have seen what was slowly eating their sister from the inside out, till there was nothing left? "No, do you hear me, Phoebe? No. You must never do that; that must never happen. I do not know what I would do if you died. Please, please Phoebe. Please." He begged as he cried harder and harder. His tears slid down to her face, where they mingled like the water and her tears in the shower. "You have to fight this." She slowly lifted her tear-stained face to meet his eyes. "How?" she asked quietly. "How can I do this? It hurts so much. You do not understand. Watching life go on while my soul is dying, watching other families develop, watching good happen, feeling the pain as I listen to Piper everyday talk about her baby. What about mine? What about ours? Why can we not have our family, our baby? It just, God, it hurts so bad." "No baby?" Cole did not understand at first, but began to as the truth sunk in. His child, their baby was dead. Phoebe was not pregnant with a part of their love; she was barren, almost as much as him, though in different ways. "No, no baby, Cole. The baby is dead. He has been for a few weeks. I did not know how to tell you, did not know how you would react. It has been hard enough for me, even harder as I lost him." Phoebe said into his chest, holding her breath, knowing Cole was not going to take the news easily. She looked at his hand trembling on her side. She did not know how much more he could take, but knew she had to tell him the full truth. She glanced up at his eyes, but they were not focused on her anymore, but something in the distance, something only he could see. Perhaps it was his dream, perhaps their family, perhaps their baby. Only Cole could see the vision that was making him cry as the tears quietly escaped from his eyes. Phoebe felt horrible, dirty inside. Here she was hurting, being selfish by forcing all this pain on Cole. There had to be a way to bring him back, to in a way apologize for what she told him. "I am sorry. He would have loved you." She said quietly, hoping he would acknowledge her. "He would have loved you to." Cole whispered as he continued to stare into space. Phoebe watched him for a few minutes, then took a breath and continued the hard, yet necessary, conversation. "So where does that leave us now? What are we going to do? How are we going to fix this?" she anxiously asked. "Look, Phoebe, I." Cole began, but she interrupted. "I am sorry." She whispered. "I never meant to hurt you." "It is okay." He replied. "I guess we have both been through a lot of pain.
"How did we get here?" Phoebe asked, almost to herself. "Look, Phoebe, I do not know how we got here. I do not know how this fell apart, how this went so far. All I do know is no matter what any document or judge says, I love you. I always have and I always will, even if you do not want me to. Maybe it is not right for us to live together. Hell, maybe we are better off married to other people. All I know is I will always love you, and I will always be there if you fall. We are going to see this through. I am here for you. We are going to get through this, we are going to fix this. together." He said, stroking her cheek and wiping away her tears. "Together?" she asked, turning in his grasp so she faced him completely. She sat up and back, against the other side of the couch furthest from Cole. "You mean you are not mad? Oh Cole." She breathed, throwing herself into his embrace, feeling like a Southern belle from an old movie. She remembered what had happened, what had brought her there and the tears began to fall again. "I, I." she stuttered. "I cannot go back there. I cannot. I will not." She protested as Cole tried to reach for the phone. She knocked the receiver out of his hand. "No, I do not want to. Please, please do not make me." She begged. "Phoebe, where else are you going to go?" he asked calmly, trying to bring her to her senses. "I cannot look at them. Please Cole. I never want to go home, not after what was said. They will not find me here. Please let me stay the night. I promise I will not be a bother. I will find a room tomorrow, just please let me stay here for now." She begged, looking straight into his deep blue eyes. "Your sisters will worry." He argued. "It is not good for them, or you, especially Piper." "So what? If they cared, they would have found me by now." She flatly stated. "But I thought you said they would never find you here.." He said with a small smile. "Yea, well." Phoebe was at a loss for words. "Oh please let me stay here. I do not think I can go home. Besides, I have not felt like this in a long time." She quietly murmured, not meaning for Cole to hear the last sentence, though he did. Cole leaned over and hugged her tightly, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "Well, maybe just tonight." He said slowly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." She answered, letting go of him. Phoebe stood up and looked around, taking in the new home in a glance for the first time. Cole seemed to have a good, healthy, sober life here, nothing like what she had been shown in the vision of the future. "So where does a girl go to get cleaned up?" she asked, looking for the bathroom. "Well, the bathroom is over here. I will get a bed ready for you. What, just out of curiosity, do you plan to sleep in?" he asked, motioning her towards the bathroom. "This, I guess." She shrugged at her clothes she had worn that day, the ones she especially put on so Cole would see her at her prettiest. "Ah, I see. Okay, you go clean up and I will find you something to wear too." He said, leaving her and walking towards what seemed to be the master bedroom across the wide hall. Phoebe went into the bathroom and took a washcloth, wetting it with cold water and washing her face, her running makeup. Cole knocked a few seconds later, and she opened the door for him. "I, uh, could not find any pants that would fit you, so I had to settle for a big tee shirt. Is that okay?" he said a little shyly, handing her an oversized tee shirt of his, seemingly brand new, not faded or worn. "Yea, it is perfect. Thank you." She answered, taking the cloth from him. "I also got you some towels and soap. You can take a shower if you want to get warmed up. Feel free to use anything you want or need." He said, motioning to the shower and hair dryer on the sink. "Thanks." She said shyly, lowering her eyes to the ground. It was not supposed to be this awkward. "Okay then, I am gonna go get your bed ready. Want coffee?" he said, moving out of the doorframe. "Could I have hot chocolate?" she requested. "Sure." He said, and walked away, leaving her to her shower. Phoebe stepped into the shower, raising the heat to comfort her chilled body. She slowly washed herself, her hair, everything, thinking about what was happening. Could this be how she was going to get on the right path with Cole? A second chance perhaps? Phoebe's thoughts were interrupted as she realized she had been crying. Her cold tears again seemed to mingle with the warm water as they had earlier that day, a sure sign in her eyes. Suddenly everything made sense. This was how they had gotten started on the path to reconciliation. It was going to be hard, and it was going to encompass a lot of tears and hurts, but she was sure this was the way. Her heart was alive again, jumping around with newfound hope. She quietly stepped out of the shower, drying off, dressing in the tee shirt, blow-drying her hair. Phoebe walked to the kitchen, where she found Cole mixing two steaming cups of hot chocolate. He looked up and smiled faintly, offering her the cup with more in it. She accepted and they sat down at the table, drinking and slurping in silence. When they were all done Phoebe thanked him and helped him clean up. "So I guess you must be tired." Cole started the talking again. "You have had a long day." "Yea, just a little. Maybe I could stay up a little longer?" she asked like a 5-year-old child trying to get out of bedtime. Cole, the parent of the situation, gave her a stern, fatherly look. "Off to bed missy. This way." He said, grabbing her hand and leading her to the large bedroom opposite the bathroom. In it was a beautiful bed with large furniture and a comfy, cozy aura. "But Cole." Phoebe began, flabbergasted. "But this is your room." "No buts. I want you to feel as comfortable as possible here. It is the best I have to offer, and you are worth more than the best. Come on, let me show you where everything is." He once again grabbed her hand to lead her around the room, but Phoebe did not budge. "Thank you." She whispered. "I do not understand how you could be so sweet to me?" "I guess I have a thing for you." He offered a half smile. "If you need anything, anything at all, just call. I will be near." Cole went to leave the room, but was stopped by her hand this time. "I do need one little thing, I hope you do not mind." She said softly. "Anything." He answered, holding her hand just as strongly. "Stay with me tonight."