Title: What If (Rommie's POV)
Author: Troll99
Rating: G
Spoilers: All Great Neptune's Oceans, Star Crossed, Lava & Rockets, Ouroboros
Pairing: Rommie/Dylan
Short Description: Rommie thinks over what she could have done differently
Author's Note: Verses are from a song „What If", sung by Kate Winslet
Disclaimer: Characters belong solely to Tribune Entertainment.
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What IfHere I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
I'm sitting in this bar, on this, from God and man forgotten planet; as far as I can see, only sand, desert, dirt and people – people, who don't even deserve this name. Poor, dirty, hungry, underhanded. They trust no one and me especially not. What am I to them? A threat? A stranger? No, they really have no reason to trust me. And I'm satisfied with it. They tolerate me and I tolerate them. It's not my home. I have no home – I'm like a gypsy who goes where she isn't hunted for. It's not what someone would wish for, but it's still better than to be forced to look at you constantly, you with HER. And this thought makes me feel miserable, my heart breaks at it. My heart, which I don't even have. And I'm asking myself over and over again …. how could it have come so far? How could you have changed so much? And I couldn't do anything to prevent it from happening.
Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
I tried everything. And how I've tried! I did everything what I've learned in those years with our crew, crew that wasn't exactly a crew, just a bunch of individuals. I begged, I threatened, I tried to prove it to you, I cried, I screamed….. But you haven't even noticed it, or, perhaps, you didn't want to see it. But, then came that day I couldn't do it anymore. Sometime I had no guts any more, had no determination, but, most of all, I had no hope any more. Hope, which I carried in me for such a long time, hope that accompanied me; it simply disappeared, vanished in the sand and traces have been swept away like a wave sweeps the marks on the beach. As if it would have never been there. But still, after all this time, there is one question remaining unanswered.
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
How would it be, if I never let you go away with HER? I could have done it, you know! All that was needed was a small accident….. just one defect valve….. a tiny technical defect……. just one talk with Tyr (he suffered almost as much as I did). And it would have never happened. But, how could I have possibly done it? Yes, I was built for being a warrior, but – I am not a murderer! And, besides – how would you react to it? Would you have changed? Would you have pushed us away from yourself?
And how would it be, hadn't I left? But I had to go. It broke my heart ever anew when you kissed HER, when you looked at HER, the way you never looked at me. Because I couldn't stand it anymore. Would you have thought it over again? Would you have at least TRIED to understand me? Maybe we could have turned back time. Maybe. But I guess we'll never know.
Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
There are infinite many different possibilities how one life can evolve. This is what Trance taught me, before she disappeared. I miss her. I miss them all! And how much I miss you! And I think: there are so many different possibilities, but we seem to always choose the worst one. Anyone can lose their way. And everyone has almost always a chance to correct the mistakes made. But just almost always. And I have no chance to correct my and your mistakes. Would I have told you then, as you asked me if I'd come with you two? But, I was ashamed, I hade no courage to say it. Had I told you then that I can't live without you? Would you reconsider? Would you perhaps see that SHE didn't love you like I did? And, would you risk it all then, would you break all the rules? Yes I know, it would have been your most difficult decision. But it could have changed everything, it could prevent everything what happened. All the hours, days and years of darkness, in which we all live since than. Who knows!
Do you think how it would have been sometimesDo you ever think about it, hot it could have been….? I'm thinking about it constantly.
Do you pray that I'd never left your sideDo you ever remember me? Have you ever asked yourself how I have been? Did you ever wished for we'd never parted? Don't you want to know how I manage to survive?
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
Not a single day passes on which I wouldn't think about you. Not a single hour. I don't want it, I shouldn't…. but there's nothing I can do about it. You are fulfilling my thoughts like nothing before. I have no purpose now, I have nothing to do. I am, not that I'm proud of it – no, it makes me ashamed - the best bounty hunter in this galaxy. And I show to no one what's inside of me. I burry my feelings deep down inside. They all think I'm a cold machine. They have no idea! But, it's better this way. It makes it possible for me to play my role, role I chose, as you pushed me away from you. I may not show my emotions. They will stay buried forever. Only one person had a chance to wake them up, only one person had a chance to see the real Rommie. But he didn't want it. So, it will obviously remain this way, that no one will ever really know anything about me. It's only, when it gets too hard, then I sit in a bar and try to get drunk, try to forget, just like now. Yes, this is your fault too, Dylan. I'm drinking to forget.
If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine
Should we meet some time again – how would you react? Sometimes I dream (yes, even if you don't believe, I DO dream) you were back with me, asking me to start all over again. And I ask myself: even if we were together – would you be mine, or would you still be thinking of HER? I haven't found an answer yet. And I don't know if I even want to know an answer. Perhaps it is better I don't know it. That way I can at least dream on.
'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind
You promised me once you'd be my heart. You promised me once I'd never loose you. You broke both promises. You broke my inexistent heart. I should hate you for that. But I can't. I can't force myself into hating you. I know; it would perhaps make my life easier if I could blame someone for my misery, but I can't do it. I'm just deeply disappointed. You were someone, whom I've trusted everything. I built my life around you. You were the center of anything I did. And now you're gone. You went away with HER, with your Molly – oh God, how I hate this name, how I hate this woman, without tossing ma a single glance, without turning back at least once. You haven't seen my tears. You didn't want to see them. Or have you not even noticed what you were doing to me? You took away my heart, you took me yourself away. And you took my hope with you. You left me only with my bare life – for now.
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
I'm turning the dirty glass in my hands and try to remember how I came in here. Ironically – I am a machine that can't remember! What did I once say to Harper? "Memory is just a function of information retrieval. The information is there. I did it." How wrong was I! I register everything, but try to push some information aside. Just to be able to drown again in my sorrow. I feel sorry for myself. At least someone does. When you don't…..
'Cos I still love you more than I can sayNo, I can't describe it. I have never felt this way before; I have never loved someone this way. I did love Gabriel, but it pales if I try to compare it to what I feel for you. I wouldn't hesitate a nanosecond to die if I could save you by dying. And therefore I can't hate you, although you hurt me so bad. That's why you're still the one about whom I dream each day. I don't know how would I react, should you come in here right now. I would be probably so ashamed, that I'd wanted to be invisible. I don't want you to know what I am doing, what I am, where I am. You should remember me as I was back then, as a fellow officer, as a reliable AI, as someone on whom you could rely, not taking care of her feelings.
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know
No, Dylan, we will never know it. Not you, not me, no one….. And we will not be able to turn back time. I love you Dylan, and I will always love you. That's why I wish you to be happy. But I don't wish HER to be happy. I feel a small tear, trailing down my cheek and wipe it away with anger. There are too many strangers in here. This I can do only when I'm alone, alone with my pain and my memories. Memories of a time when I thought I was happy, a time, that becomes ever more unreal in a haze of the past.
Time will come, when there will be no time left at all. For you, for me…. in some years you'll be old and I….. I hope I will soon get an assignment from which I won't return. And then this pain will finally disappear – when everything is gone. Farewell Dylan.