Anita sighed impatiently as Branch launched into yet another rambling tale. This was awful. How did Jack and Serena put up with this man? She hadn't been this bored since… since that time she'd spent 79 hours cooped up in a surveillance van with Steve Jorgensen while he recounted his elaborate theory about Norwegians landing in North America. She'd spent the last hour trying to track down their staff: figuring out where and when Chicago was playing, tracking down Jack's secretary to find out what restaurants he frequented, trying to locate pro-wrestling matches, and trying to imagine where the hell Ed Green would take a date. Branch, ostensibly there to help out, had seemed to see this mostly as an opportunity to pontificate.
"… so then we had to explain to the judge that that's not the kind of thing you can forgive – not in Mississippi."
"I thought you were from Georgia?" Anita asked, briefly paying attention as she dialed Ed's number again and scanned the paper for local events.
"Right. Not in Georgia."
"Still no answer from Ed's cell phone," Anita said in annoyance. "Mr. Branch! Look, here's a pro-wrestling match," Anita pointed to the paper. "Do you think we might be able to find Serena there?"
"Now, Lieutenant, I don't know if you've attended many of these… they can be mighty rough places. And there's a lot of people there. Trying to locate one young lady there… it might be like trying to find a black cat in your grandma's wine cellar."
"Please," Anita started to lose her cool and looked up into space imploringly, "at least let us contact them."
No, come on, I need just a little more time with them.
Anita banged her head against the desk in frustration.
ooo000ooo
"So then Marks said, Cuff him!"
"And did they?" asked Sarah, Jack's date.
"Oh, yes. Jamie had to finish Curtis' testimony. I went into a holding cell. You should've seen Adam's face when he came to bail me out," Jack and Sarah shared a laugh.
"I always wondered why Marks resigned so suddenly. He used to be a damn fine judge, you know."
"Not when I tried that case before him. He almost let a killer go free."
"Still, you were clearly in contempt." Jack nodded, cheerfully agreeing with her. "Did you really think you'd get away with it?"
"Not really."
"So why did you?"
"He pissed me off."
"I'm sure that can't have been a first for you," Sarah laughed.
Jack smiled and shook his head. "No, but I don't like it when the game is rigged. "
"What about when it's rigged in your favour?"
"Oh, I can live with that."
"What about the thrill of winning against all odds? That doesn't excite you?"
"Yes, but I prefer a sure thing."
"A sure thing?" Sarah smiled, "Counselor, are we still talking strictly courtroom here?"
Jack felt his pulse suddenly quicken. Yes, he had been, but apparently she wasn't. Hoo boy. "I don't know... are we?"
Sarah's eyes twinkled mischievously. Jack grinned back at her and took a sip of his scotch.
ooo000ooo
"Whoa! Baby, duck!" Tony exclaimed as a chair flew past their heads.
"Tony, I told you, I don't appreciate being called Baby," Serena said sternly, but was unable to maintain her stern demeanor as she and Tony laughed at the antics of the wrestlers. "Besides - Baby Duck? That stuff is swill!"
They laughed together, and on impulse Tony put his arm around her shoulders. This was turning out pretty good. They'd started off a little rocky, with Serena looking around her with a 'what am I doing here' expression for the first little while, but she seemed to be getting into the spirit of things.
"Why do people watch this stuff?" Serena shook her head, amused at the spectacle but still a little puzzled by it.
"It's a morality play. Good v. Evil. It's also great audience participation." Tony gasped as the Bad Guy walloped the Good Guy.
"Booo!!" Serena yelled loudly. "Get up, get up!" she shouted at the dazed hero.
"You're really getting into this, aren't you?" Tony marveled.
"Are you kidding? Seen as a morality play, it's hilarious. Thank you so much for this!"
"No problem, babe- uh, hon," Tony corrected himself, and earned a big grin. The Good Guy got up slowly.
"Come on, you can do it!" Serena screeched along with thousands of other fans. "Get up! Show him what you're made of!!"
Tony laughed. Serena sat back, watching Good Guy stumble about. Bad Guy walloped him again, and he flopped down.
"Aaaww!" Tony commiserated with the fallen hero. Serena pursed her lips and tossed her hair. Tony looked at her, taking in her blank look.
"Serena?"
"Yeah, that's too bad, he's fallen down," she droned emotionlessly. Tony frowned at her, irritated beyond belief. What the hell was wrong with this chick? Was she on some kind of on-again, off-again zombie drug?
ooo000ooo
"Ed! Edward! Are you listening to me?"
"Sure, yeah," Ed said, rousing himself from a morose contemplation of the menu.
"What are you going to order? The waiter's been here three times and I'm getting hungry."
"You still want that King Crab Extravaganza?" Ed asked his date.
"Oh, for sure!" she enthused. "It looks amazing, don't you think?"
"I'll just have some water and a garden salad, then," he sighed. She pursed her lips in annoyance.
ooo000ooo
"So... thinking about me dancing this on the table for you?" Valerie leaned over and spoke into Lennie's ear as the double murderess Velma Kelly demonstrated the hot steps she and her dead sister used to do in their act. Lennie glanced at her, startled.
No, I wasn't, he started to say, but thought better of it. "Did you really mean that earlier?" he asked her curiously.
"Oh, yes. I love dancing. And you know what she said about that step number 17, the 'spread eagle,' don't you? This is inspiring me."
"Really."
"And I like an audience."
"Really."
"And I like it when my audience is appreciative." Lennie tried for another nonchalant Really, but found his mouth was suddenly dry. Oh, thank you, he thought at the writer. He settled for grinning at Valerie, vowing to be very, very appreciative that night after the show.
ooo000ooo
"No, no that's all right. Thank you for calling," Branch put down the phone with a sigh. "That's another one."
"Another judge who didn't get papers from Jack and Serena today?" Anita guessed. Branch nodded his head glumly.
"Just how many cases do those two work at one time?" Branch shrugged. They always seemed to be able to handle it. Of course, it probably helped that they had nothing else to do.
"So that's four judges feeling antsy, three defense lawyers wondering why Serena never showed up for their plea bargains, one deposition that had to be rescheduled, and two Grand Juries left sitting around like melons waiting to be knocked by a raccoon."
"Like what?" Anita asked, kicking herself as soon as she asked. She didn't really want to know.
"Melons. Raccoons like to knock on melons to test them to see when they're ripe. And let me tell you, if I was a raccoon, I'd be telling you this situation is mighty ripe right about now."
"I'm sure you would," Anita muttered. "And on my end, I have a surveillance team on one of Lennie and Ed's suspects telling me he looks like he's packing up to leave town, and we have no way to stop him because we don't have enough to arrest him on, two new murders that should've been their cases, but had to go to a pair of kids straight out of uniform, and a suspect who's been held for 72 hours who's gonna be let go because Lennie and Ed haven't got enough on her to hold her."
Branch made a knocking motion. "It's ripe indeed."
"Please!" Anita pleaded with the writer again. "You can't do this to the City. Crime is out of control and justice is not being served. You can't do this to innocent people." She lowered her voice and glanced at Branch, then added, "And you can't do this," she nodded at Branch, "to me."
ooo000ooo
"Wow, that was really something, wasn't it?" Tony asked Serena as they left the building, the audience abuzz with conversation about the match they'd just seen. Serena stared at the people going past. "Serena, baby… anybody home?" Serena glanced at Tony blankly, and he decided enough was enough. He cleared his throat as they stood on the street. "You know, I just realized, I, uh, I'm gonna have to go to uh… I gotta go do something… else," Tony finished lamely. That was the worst excuse he'd ever given a date. Fortunately, Serena didn't seem to notice.
"I'll give you a call," she said, brightening up and tossing her hair. "It was fun, wasn't it? I've never been to pro-wrestling, I never knew how funny it was. It just seemed a moronic waste of time, frankly. Give me a call next time you get tickets?"
For a split second he was tempted to agree, and mean it. She really was a pleasure when she perked up – pretty, bright, interesting… but then that weird blankness would come down over her and that just creeped him right out.
"Sure, baby, that's a great idea," he said, and buttoned up his coat. He patted her shoulder chastely, briefly regretting that Valentine's night would end solo for him, but also realizing that it would be far, far worse to continue this off-and-on thing in bed. Shuddering inwardly at the thought of that, he hailed a cab and left.
ooo000ooo
Ed regarded his date over a steadily mounting pile of king crab shells. He thought maybe it was a good thing that she had ordered that dish because all that cracking of the crab legs didn't leave much room for conversation.
His date excused herself to go to the ladies' room.
"Am I having a good time yet?" he asked into the air.
Ed, you're not having a good time, your date's not having a good time, I'm not having a good time, and my readers aren't going to have a good time.
"Well, don't you go lookin' at me."
You know, you disappoint me, Ed. I thought you were more of a team player. Here I am trying to raise the average incidence of romantic liaisons on this show to a measly .5 per year, and you won't cooperate.
"Okay, okay - I'll try to do better."
The woman returned to the table. "How was your salad?" she asked.
"Well, it was, um, very lettucey."
"Very lettucey?"
"Yeah, you know - with a lot of lettuce in it and all."
She looked down at her plate. "You don't like me very much, do you, Ed?"
"You're fine."
"Fine?"
"Why are you repeating everything I say?"
"Well, I guess it's because you say so little that I want to savor it."
Silence. Ed remembered what he promised the fanfic writer and summoned what he hoped was an inviting smile. "Okay, baby, your place or mine?"
"OKAY, BABY, YOUR PLACE OR MINE??"
"You're doing it again," Ed pointed out.
The woman just stared at him, threw down her napkin, and walked out of the restaurant.
Ed, Ed, Ed...
"Well, I tried. Can I go back to work now?"
What is it with you? I don't have this kind of problem with the others.
"Bet you ain't doin' too great with Serena."
At least she phases in and out. But you...
He shrugged. "I do what I do - I solve crimes and arrest bad guys."
Okay, Ed. I give up. Turn your cell phone back on.
ooo000ooo
Try Ed's cell phone.
"It's not on," Anita said impatiently.
It is now, the voice said dispiritedly. Anita raised her eyebrows and punched in his number.
"Green," his voice answered promptly.
"ED!" Anita nearly gave a cheer of relief, "Where the hell have you been?!"
"Nowhere," he said glumly. "What's up?"
"What's up is the 27th Precinct is going to hell!"
"What?"
"Anderson is about to skip town and Juarez is going to have to be let out and we have nothing to hold either one of them on. And Martinez and Dawes caught two murders today that should've gone to you and Lennie."
"Martinez and Dawes? They were in uniform two days ago! Whose bright idea was that?"
"Mine, Ed," Anita shot back, very annoyed. "I didn't have anybody else. I didn't even have anybody with experience to partner them with – everybody's suddenly doing more interesting things."
"More interesting than work?" Ed asked in astonishment.
"Yeah, hard to believe, isn't it?"
"OK, Lieu, don't worry, I'll get over there and take care of everything. Where's Lennie?"
"Probably still at the theatre. The show's over in about half an hour."
"OK. You go get him and I'll be at the precinct," he hung up, and Anita reflected that he definitely sounded more cheerful than he had been earlier that day. She briefly wondered how his date had gone.
"Well, Mr. Branch, it's been a real treat, but it's time for me to go."
"Wait – Lieutenant, we don't have my staff back yet." Anita tried to think of a tactful way of letting him know that that certainly wasn't her problem. "You may think it's not your problem, but there's no point in your people catching criminals if there's nobody here to put them away." Anita stared at him for a long moment, wishing he were wrong.
"Well, let's go to the theatre. We'll get Lennie and then maybe he can help us track down Serena and Jack."
ooo000ooo
Along with the rest of the audience, Lennie and Valerie enthusiastically applauded the Chicago cast's curtain calls. He really had enjoyed himself. The actor playing Billy Flynn sure had done a good job but nowhere near as great as that guy who had played the part in the original back in the '70s. What was his name again? Lennie wished he could remember but supposed it would come back to him. He just really was glad he'd had a chance to go to a musical. Hadn't been to one in the longest time – not since… Gosh, when was it he had gone to that Camelot revival? Hey, wait a minute, he thought. Damn, that was another fanfic. It was beginning to look to him like the only time he ever got off work and got to have any fun was in fanfics. Idly, he wondered if there were any chance Dick Wolf ever would hire any of these fanfic writers. Sure might make life a bit more interesting. Fat chance, he supposed. Can't have us having interesting lives now, can we? Wolf always says that will screw up syndication.
As he and Valerie left the Ambassador Theatre on West 49th and started to head to Times Square to buy that CD, he was astonished to spot the Lieutenant and a tall, heavyset white man scanning the crowd. Hey, wait a minute – that's that new DA, the one from Cornponeville or Dogpatch or somewhere. What in the heck are they doing here? For one brief, horrible moment the thought crossed Lennie's mind that since this was a fanfic Van Buren and that Branch guy might actually be… Nah, couldn't be – not even one of these fanfic writers could be that crazy. Immediately he tried to erase the picture from his mind.
Anita spotted them, and she and Branch hurried over. "Lennie, thank God we've tracked you down!" she said.
Lennie wondered how he rated a search party that included the District Attorney of New York County, for crying out loud. "Lieu, what's the matter? What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? What's wrong? Everyone is gone! From my precinct! From the DA's office! That's what's wrong! And here you are at a musical instead of closing a case, and I…"
"Lennie, who are these people?" asked Valerie, bewildered.
"My boss," Lennie mumbled. "Look, Lieu…"
"Your boss? Unh-unh, your boss is a bald-headed white guy. I saw him at the police station when I was looking at those pictures."
Lennie sighed. "I'll explain it to you later, Valerie." He turned to Anita and put his hands on her shoulders. "Now, look, Lieu – just calm down, okay? We told you about this this afternoon. It's a fanfic, remember? I know you haven't been in very many, and it does take some getting used to, but they're really not so bad once you relax and enjoy 'em."
"What in the name of Al Capp is he talkin' about, Lieutenant?" demanded Branch.
Anita was calming down a little. "Well, Mr. Branch, it's like this… when the writer is a fan instead of one of our regular writers, strange things happen. We end up doing a lot of stuff that we normally wouldn't do. Think a lot, talk a lot, go on dates… it sure does louse up your normal routine."
"Well, I'll be a toad in a holler at sunset in August! Does Dick Wolf know about this?"
"No one knows if he does or not, Mr. Branch," said Lennie, a bit impatiently, anxious to get on with his evening.
"Well, tarnation, I don't remember being in one of them."
Both Lennie and Anita were trying to think of a tactful way of pointing out that to be in a fanfic, one would actually have to have fans.
Fortunately, Valerie interrupted the conversation. "Len-nie," she said in a mock whine, "Aren't we going to go over to Virgin and get that CD?" She snuggled up to him very suggestively. "You remember what I promised you, don't you? A little razzle-dazzle and all that jazz?"
"Well, folks – there you have it. There's just not much that can be done about this," said Lennie. "So, if you will excuse us?"
"Just one lickedy-split minute there, Detective," said Branch. "You gonna buy the original cast CD or the revival one?"
Lennie laughed. "The original cast, of course!"
ooo000ooo
After failing to persuade the completely bedazzled Lennie to abandon the lovely Miss Walker and go back to work, Anita and Branch trudged dispiritedly back to Branch's car. And they were only more discouraged to find that the pro-wrestling event was over and almost all of the audience had left.
"Mr. Branch, it looks like this fanfic writer just isn't going to let us catch a break. Except for finding Ed, we're striking out."
"Well, it's dang rootin'-tootin' sure that detective of yours ain't!" said Branch with a twinkle in his eye.
Men, sighed Anita. "Okay, look, I think this is what we should do. It's likely that Serena and her date have gone to one of their apartments. You don't have any idea where this Tony person lives, do you?"
"No more'n I'd know where to find a ring-tailed rattlesnake at hog-renderin' time."
Ring-tailed...? Anita rolled her eyes to the sky. "All right, we get it already. He's Southern. Do you have to lay it on so thick?"
I'm offended, Anita. I would never tell you how to investigate a crime. If you want this evening to ever end, please don't tell me how to write my characters.
"Excuse me? Your characters?"
Well, um, -- yeah. I guess you have me there.
Anita thought that this uppity Ms Fanfic was lucky they didn't have her in a cell for this, but, damn, she was right. She supposed the writer could turn this into a novel if she wanted. Wishing she could take being in a fanfic as nonchalantly as Lennie seemed to be doing, she turned back to Branch.
"Okay, sir, but we do know where Serena lives, and the odds are fifty-fifty that they'll be there. So let's go there next."
"Sounds like as good a plan as the time my cousin Billy-Joe-Sonny decided we ought to try Texas Pete instead of catsup on our cornbread," Branch agreed amiably and gave directions to his driver.
Anita gritted her teeth.
Serena answered their urgent knocking with a long-haired white cat in her arms. She blinked in mild surprise to see her boss and Lt. Van Buren at her door.
"Serena, we're sorry to interrupt," Anita said quickly before Branch could open his mouth, "But we really do have to talk to you."
"Well..." Serena looked confused. "I was just going to give Fluffles a bath... But, yes, that's fine. Please come in."
"Bathin' a cat - well, now that does surprise me," said Branch.
Please, please, no bathing of cats stories, prayed Anita and spoke quickly. "What Mr. Branch means, Serena, is that we thought you, um, had a date."
Serena thought about that. "A date? Oh, yes, I did have a date. With Tony. He took me to pro-wrestling. But he's gone."
Anita figured that if Serena didn't seem to mind that her date didn't turn out well, she sure wasn't going to question it.
"Wrestling. Now ya know, down home--"
"Excuse me, Mr. Branch," interrupted Anita, not sure she could take any more. "Remember, we have to talk to Serena about coming back to work."
"Well, dad blast, you're right, Lieutenant," he said and turned to Serena. "Look, little lady, we really need you back at the office. I got more judges callin' to talk to you and Jack than a possum has--"
"'Little lady?' 'Little lady?'" said Serena, not believing she had heard right. She looked inquiringly at Anita, wondering what had gotten into her boss.
Anita sighed. "We're in a fanfic, Serena. Remember? I know you and I don't have much experience with this, but we've just got to get through it as best we can."
"Oh, yeah. That's right. That voice I was talking to. Oddest damn thing. You want me to come back to work, Mr. Branch? I can do that. Fluffles won't mind waiting for his bath."
Well, that was easy, thought Anita. She had hoped that things wouldn't get complicated with Serena, but then she supposed that not even the fanfic writer could complicate Serena.
ooo000ooo
"Where are you going?" Branch asked Jack as they finally found him leaving Chantilly's, a restaurant Serena said he might go to.
"We're going to her place," Jack grinned.
Jack's date, a little giggly, was clutching his arm. "Soo… am I gonna get to ride that motorcycle you were telling me about?"
"Not with all I've had to drink," Jack laughed. "Come on, let's call a cab." Jack's date nodded enthusiastically and went off to find a phone, only slightly unsteady.
"Jack. You have the Gutierrez case opening tomorrow. Serena says she hasn't even started it yet."
"Oh, we can wing it. It's not that big a case anyway." Anita and Branch stared at each other in dismay.
"Not that big a case?" Branch repeated in disbelief. "It's bigger than... than… than my Aunt Annie's okra casserole." Jack and Anita frowned at him in slight puzzlement. "Gutierrez owns one of the biggest hardware chains in the State. He's a major contributor to educational programs for low-income Hispanic children. The evidence against him is flimsy at best. There's political pressure from the Latino community to acquit and from women's groups to convict. It's been on the front pages for months. Not that big a case?"
"I've worked bigger ones," Jack said dismissively. "Anyway," he lowered his voice and leaned close to Branch, "We're going to Sarah's place to write Supreme Court decisions on each other with chocolate body paint. Tell me you'd be willing to pass that up for a damn case."
"Fair enough," Branch said after a moment, while Anita tried very very hard to not imagine that. "Serena's a competent attorney. I'm sure she'll do fine."
Upon hearing that, Jack felt a pang of conscience, having indulged in alcohol and not a lobotomy that night. "Serena's a competent attorney? Arthur, how much have you had to drink?" He shook his head, realizing he'd better leave his personal life aside. There were more important things than chocolate body paint, after all. He glanced at his date with regret as she came back from the phone. "Um, Sarah…"
"Jack? The cab's here. The chocolate awaits us, lover," she smiled seductively. Jack felt his resolve start to melt away. "I've thought of a great place to write Brown v. The Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas."
That was enough for Anita, and she beat a hasty retreat out of the restaurant.
It was enough for Jack, as well. "Arthur, I'm off the clock," he said, eagerly taking hold of Sarah's arm. "Like you said, Serena's a competent attorney. I'm sure she'll do fine prepping tonight." And if she doesn't, he thought to himself, I'll wing it tomorrow with a great big smile on my face, a song in my heart, and Brown v. The Board of Education of Topeka Kansas etched into my memory for all time.
ooo000ooo
"Well… two outta four ain't bad," Branch said philosophically to Anita as they stood on the sidewalk and watched Jack and Sarah scurry into their cab. Anita glared at him, daring him to say something cornponey. He wisely kept his mouth shut.
"This isn't fair," she said to the air.
Look, it's just one night. It's Valentine's Day. Give them a break. And I gave two of your people back to you, didn't I?
"Yeah, but… look, Ed's a hell of a detective, but he can't tackle all crime in the precinct single-handed."
You'll have Lennie back tomorrow.
"Yeah, right… is he gonna be able to work, or is he gonna be mooning after this dancer of his?"
Oh, he might not get much sleep tonight, but he'll be one happy camper tomorrow, believe me.
"No, um, recreational injuries either? The man is getting on in years, you know."
I'll make sure he's OK. Valerie moonlights as a massage therapist when she's not exotic dancing.
Lucky bastard, thought Branch. "And what about my office?" he asked. "What am I supposed to do with only Serena working?"
Well… I have to admit, I've left you in a bit of a bind. Serena's not who I would pick to shoulder the burdens of the job all by herself. But… it's only for one night.
"And Jack will be back tomorrow?"
Yes, he will. I promise. Bright eyed and bushy tailed and with a faint scent of Swiss chocolate.
Anita shuddered – TMI, TMI, she thought.
"OK, well, I'm going back to the precinct to give Ed a hand, Mr. Branch. Good luck tomorrow."
"I'll go back to Hogan Place," he said. "I have to get to the elevator to say something profound."
"To who?" Anita asked.
"Uh… I'm sure there'll be somebody around."
"You don't have to go to Hogan Place. There's an elevator in there," Anita pointed helpfully at the restaurant, and Branch walked back in, trying to think of what he could say to himself if there wasn't anybody there. That was always his favourite part, the closing line. But usually it was a little dialogue. Hm…
"That's the thing – if it ain't broke, don't fix it," he said to himself. That sounded pretty good. Or… "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." No, that was no good. "All's fair in love and war." Oh, this was awful. Dick Wolf never intended for this to happen. Oh! There it was! "Just goes to show, you don't mess with Original Intent," he said triumphantly, as the doors closed behind him.
Anita watched him go, muttering to himself, and sighed, getting ready to go back to the 2-7 to help out Ed. Suddenly she had an idea. She looked up.
"You know… just because I'm married, doesn't mean I don't know it's Valentine's Day."
Yes?
"Well… it doesn't seem fair to me that this has focused on only the Singles crowd. Like they're the only ones who can have a love life."
Your point?
"Look, we both know there's not much I can do to help out Ed. This day has been pretty much a dead loss as far as law enforcement is concerned. But… you know… it's been a long, long time since Don and I have gone out anywhere. He works long hours at his hardware store, I work long hours at the precinct, we try to spend as much time as possible with the kids when we're not working…"
…and?
"And how about showing a little compassion for the married folks too?"
All right… Anita almost heard a smile in the author's voice. I suppose I should make up for sticking you with Arthur Branch all night, too. Here you go, Anita startled slightly as her cell phone went off. She flipped it open.
"Anita?"
"Don?"
"You'll never believe what I just found in the mail. There's a coupon for L'Etoile, for dinner for two."
"Really?"
"Yes. With a complementary overnight stay for two at a suite upstairs. Apparently they'd like me to put up a little ad for their place at my store, so they sent me this promotional stuff."
"A high-class hotel with a four-star restaurant wants you to advertise for them at your hardware store?"
"Yeah, strange, isn't it? So what do you say? Wanna take the night?"
"What, now?"
"It's Valentine's Day, sweetheart. What do you say we pretend we're newlyweds again?"
"Uh… sure," Anita said, smiling broadly. "I'll meet you there."
"I'll bring you something nice to wear. See you soon."
Anita flipped her phone closed and looked up. "Thanks."
Happy Valentine's Day, Anita.