Ranma and Ryoga stood simultaneously, Ryoga dropping a piece of paper with
a long list on it.
A list he had made when he realized the true power of the Shishi Hokodan.
A list of reasons why he hated himself... and why he hated Ranma.
Ranma stared back, externally of cold steel. Inside, however, he was extremely nervous. If what Kodora had asked him to write in the note were true...
Ranma was desperately hoping and praying it would not come to that, but if it was necessary to win, he would take the option. Kodora may have made him less chauvinistic, less prone to foot-in-mouth, and considerably better at social graces...
But Saotome Ranma still didn't lose.
Kodora was meditating. She would do everything she could to help Ranma. That was her personal goal here. Her own safety was of no concern to herself, not when someone else's happiness stood on the line. And she knew, from living so closely with Ranma, that if he lost.... That if he really truly lost... irrevocably...
He himself would be just as irrevocably lost.
She only hoped they didn't lose for winning.
**************************************************************************** *************
Passenger
Chapter 20: Deeper Wounds
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction by S. Starblade
Dedicated to all of us lost people, those who still look for purpose, but keep plugging away from determination.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Ranma 1/2 characters. I do own Kodora, the particular Sin Ku who appears in my fanfiction, and several other bit parts. If you insist on suing me, expect to get less money from it than your lawyer asks for.
This episode will not need a key, so I will not include it here.
**************************************************************************** *************
Kasumi ran like she couldn't remember ever having run before. She couldn't stop the major event, but there was one result... which she would avoid at all costs. The note was still clutched in her hand, and her favorite apron was getting dirty from her running through mud in the shortcuts. Her shoes had seen better days, and the hem of her yellow housedress was splattered with mud as well.
But there was one thing which called any cost to her.
Still at least two minutes more of running to get there, Kasumi ran.
To paraphrase a wonderful German movie....
Run, Kasumi, Run.
******
Ryoga glared at Ranma from across the field. "No games, Ranma. This is to determine who is better. This is a duel to incapability or forfeit. Understood?"
Ranma nodded. "Yes." He stated solemnly, the word not so much spoken as materialized... the essence of the affirmative made solid.
Then it began. Ryoga snapped open his umbrella, and sent it spinning like a top, narrowly missing his ponytailed adversary. He ignored it's return, not even catching it when it conveniently bounced up and folded, handle aimed for an easy spot to place his hand in. Instead, he began pulling bandannas from his forehead.
One, two... four... eight...
Ranma blinked. That was a lot of bandannas.
Somehow, Ryoga took all ten bandannas in one hand and set them all whirling without tangling them in each other. Thrusting his hand forward, he sent them flying in a spray, all arcing around towards Ranma.
The martial artist in red and black was far to experienced to just sit there and watch the bandannas. Something about them bugged him, though... He snagged one out of the air as he passed it on his way to Ryoga. A quick one-two punch combo was neatly dodged, and countered with a snap-kick.
The faster boy bounced out of the way, orbiting his opponent while raining down swift punches. A few made it through, causing Ryoga to grunt, but he cleared them away with a set of forceful arm sweeps. Ranma suddenly shifted stances and tactics, leaping into the air, and diving at the Lost Boy with a flying kick.
Ryoga caught the kick with his hands, and swung Ranma overhead into the ground.
Hiroshi and Daisuke, at the head of the crowd of Furinkan students, winced. That couldn't have felt good.
Ranma ignored the modest amount of pain, arching his back and kicking his foot over. His opponent was forced to release the limb or go flying, and Ryoga chose the former. Ranma rolled to his feet, eyeing the stockier boy with a modicum more respect.
Hiroshi looked at Daisuke after another whirlwind of punches died down. "Did you see that?"
"No."
"Oh, good. I thought I might be losing my eyesight. Guess not.*
Neither combatant was even winded yet, but the initial pleasentries had been given and taken. It was time to get down to it.
Ranma pulled a gymnastics club from his shirt, and flung it at Ryoga.
The lost boy wasted a moment double-checking to see that it was, indeed, a Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics club he'd caught, and recieved a foot to the face for his trouble. Falling back, he made another attempt at Ranma's leg, but the other fighter sprang back quickly, and shifted stances again.
Now Ryoga was starting to have serious trouble, as Ranma began a series of short hops in circles around him, no more than a foot or so off the ground, but each hop was punctuated by a fist or foot. Tiring of this, Ryoga yanked off his belt, and swung it in a wide circle around himself.
Ranma bounced away and came to a stop, examining the cut on his forearm. So, this one knew how to make weapons of any clothing? It was time to finish pulling out the stops.
"Look! A ten-yen coin!"
Somehow, Genma materialized, and started searching the ground.
Ryoga just glared at Ranma. "Pathetic. And to think..." The green aura manifested again. "..I was bested so many times by such a poor cheater!"
Ranma backed off some. Ryoga's attack was unpredictable... and fast. He'd have to stay far enough away for now to dodge, and try out Kodora's suggestion.
Now all he had to do was figure out what sort of focus he would use before Ryoga tagged him.
******
Akane paused, watching her elder sister continue to run. Panting, she looked, shocked, at the skyline near the school while she tried to catch her breath.
Green lights?
******
Ranma dodged another chi blast. This was starting to wear at him, and the other boy looked like he could keep throwing the damned things all day. He muttered to himself each time he took the focusing pose, and each time, the power of the chi increased a tiny bit.
Ranma could see that he needed to start fighting fire with fire.
But what to use?
His first try used his respect for his father.
Needless to say, all that got was a confused expression from Ranma, and derisive laughter from Ryoga.
"Ranma, you fool! Just mimicking me will do you no good! I do it like THIS! Shishi Hokodan!"
"Oof!" Commented Ranma, taking another short ride. He rolled out of the way of the next blast, and tried his love of and dedication to the martial arts.
He was rewarded with a gray blob the size of his head, which fizzled out in the face of Ryoga's beachball-sized blast. Ranma took another hit, and came up firing.
"Short-temper blast!"
Short was right- the spurt of energy was barely the size of a softball. Ranma practically slid to the left, and tried again.
"Pretty Scenery Crusher!"
Ryoga stopped and blinked. What?
Ranma frowned at the little white blob that had produced.
"Brotherly Love?"
This time, Ranma produced a glowing pinkish ball almost as large as Ryoga's attacks.
"Shishi Hokodan!"
That, too, fell, though only just barely.
Ranma resumed dodging, focusing on his aura. How did he usually bring out his chi? He idly noticed someone yelling at him, but was too preoccupied to notice.
******
Kasumi calmed Akane. "He's alright, at least for now. Get me the hose, please."
Akane nodded, stopped trying to tell Ranma that Kasumi was here, and ran for the tool shed.
******
He usually focused on frustration at his old man... but without his father in the fight (Oyaji was still searching for the ten-yen coin), that wouldn't work.
He'd tried his brotherly love for Kodora, and that had almost worked.
What about joy? Naah. He'd never had much of that. Depression? He was only feeling particularly down when he was particularly near Ryoga...
Anger? No, he wasn't particularly mad right now...
"Honor Pounder!".
Then again, Honor wasn't really a thing you could focus on like that...
Ranma ducked another blast, this one as large as a horse.
Ryoga's attacks were just getting stronger... There were already a few craters on the soccer field.
It looked like he had no other alternative.
He just hoped Kasumi had gotten here already. It was a risk he'd have to take.
"WATER!" He shouted, and was rewarded by nearly being knocked over from the spray of hose-water.
******
Kasumi tensed. That would be the moment of truth on its way.
******
Kodora stopped, and took the oncoming Shishi Hokodan full in the face. She got back up.
The girl was in horrible shape. Ranma had gotten hit by a few of the blasts, and come up none too much the worse for wear.
She, however, looked like she'd gone a few rounds with a wrecking ball and lost. Badly. She was covered in bruises.
Still, she got up, and started walking towards Ryoga. The next blast knocked her down again, but she got back up.
She began to think about her original life.
Ryoga jumped as a deep green-black aura sprang up around his opponent. She was also going to use the Shishi Hokodan? What did she have to be depressed about?
The girl looked at Ryoga. "Shishi Hokodan." She stated, throat somewhat constricted. A round blast formed in front of her, and launched itself at Ryoga. He countered with his own, and the remainder of his blast went on to strike her.
She got up again. And stared at him with crimson eyes gone near-black. "You're using depression as your focus, aren't you." It was not a question.
Ryoga snorted. "Of course. My life is hell. Why shouldn't I be depressed? I get lost all the time. I can't go to school. I have not one, not two, but three curses on me. Two of them family curses. I had a guide dog, but I lost it. The last compass I bought exploded when I touched it. Noone understands me. I've never gotten anything in life." With each statement, his aura seemed to grow slightly.
"Shishi Hokodan Perfect!" A column of chi consumed the two, leaving a crater. To everyone's amazement, neither one was moved by the blast. To Ryoga's amazement, Kodora stood still, apparently unaffected.
Kodora laughed, bitterly. The sound was so hollow, Ryoga shuddered involuntarily. She stepped up to a foot away from Ryoga, and stared at him hollowly, speaking almost monotonally, with nearly no emphasis.
"Ryoga, Ryoga, Ryoga. That's not depression. That's feeling kinda sorry for yourself. You want depression? Let me tell you about depression. Depression is how you feel... when you don't have any close friends, when you can't trust your own family with your personal life. When neither of your parents even TRIES to understand you. When you have to hide behind a shell. When you try to commit suicide at the age of eight, by attempting to drown in a public pool, only to have something say 'not now'. Living on that for TEN YEARS. Being the freak. Being the class nerd, clown, and the person everyone loves to hate, all at once, for twelve years. Having people treat you like a goddamned DICTIONARY or CALCULATOR, and then turning around and ignoring you when you say something important. Going to high school, promised a clean slate... to have your own FATHER turn on you and say that he is only going by your past performances. Learning that the person you used to hurt all the time, entirely by accident, is the only one who really wanted to be your friend. Being among the most intelligent people in the nation according to the goddamned tests, but never getting better than a B because you have a bad memory, worse study habits, and your parents hanging everything over your head. Finally getting another chance, only to find it blown by your appearance, which has somehow gotten even MORE abnormal than the plain old freak it already was. Another father, this one who abuses any trust given him, who is convinced that you are a force of evil. Being thrown away by people left and right because of how you look, and KNOWING that even if someone isn't stopped by that, then who you are will stop them. Depression is when the only reason you are still alive is because killing yourself would cause more pain to other people than living as a screw-up would. Let me show you depression."
There was an audible WHUMP as a huge, nearly-black green aura settled over the entire school and several surrounding blocks. The emotion leaked, and every last person there gradually started feeling more and more disgust with themself.
Kasumi shuddered, at the sidelines. It was worse than she possibly could have imagined.
Kodora stared at Ryoga, a horribly unsettling, hollow stare, her irises now as black as her pupils.
"Because..." Kodora whispered, "..Saotome Ranma doesn't lose, I give my all. Everything I can. The only person asking it is me.
Shi..."
The aura began to focus in on Kodora, letting the surrounding area slowly out of its influence.
"Shi..."
Several people crumpled, crying, glad to be free of the need to fling themselves off a cliff. The rest just stood, stunned at what had passed through their own heads.
"...Hokodan..."
Ryoga took a step back as the aura released him. Kodora was glowing. Glowing pure black. He ran for his life. He knew, somehow, that if he did not... he would die this day. He prayed his ability to get lost would kick in, preferably landing him on the other side of the world. Florida sounded good.
"...Superior." The last word fell with a hollo echo, a sound much like a tombstone falling on its coffin.
The black glow disappeared. Kodora pointed at Ryoga. Something almost solid gathered at her fingertip, then lanced out.
Ryoga cried out in pain as the beam lanced through his shoulder. Another hit his leg, and a third his left forearm. He stumbled on, counting himself lucky that she hadn't hit a joint yet.
A fourth beam found his ear, clipping the top off, and a fifth impaled the other thigh, matching the second.
Then it stopped. Ryoga looked around an instant. He was still in Tokyo.
That was far to close for him.
Ryoga kept running.
******
Falling to her knees, Kodora looked at her hand with eyes gone black.
She began to raise her finger to her head.
Just one instant, and it would be over... Never again the pain... the horrible pain...
It began flashing back.
"Dont' be so egocentric. Other people get made fun of too."
"Just ignore them. They'll go away on their own."
"Hmph. Be strong. Just say 'I'm impervious', and you'll be alright."
Boy were they wrong...
"Nerd!"
"Four eyes!"
"Railroad Tracks!"
"Would you do this page of homework for me? I'll give you five bucks..."
No... NO. It was wrong... It always had been, and the answer was always No....
"You'll never get anywhere."
"I'm a blackbelt..."
"If he's so good, why can't he ever beat you in a fight?"
The rage... she had always turned to that... it was so easy...
"You can do better than this."
"All you need is a good place to do the homework..."
"I'll watch to make sure you do it..."
"No, you can't have them back until you get a good grade."
"I said, no more video games."
The other releases... were all taken from her... what else did she have?
What else could she have?
"No, you can't be in the play. Not unless you can prove you don't need the time for homework."
"You're so smart! What happened?"
What had happened?
"Just stop being lazy!"
"You know that's what's wrong. Why haven't you fixed it yet?"
Idiot father... nothing was ever that simple...
"I thought you were my friend... why did you hit me?"
"The teacher got a split lip..."
I'm sorry... so sorry...
"They got it wrong, you know..."
That was herself. She was speaking. She remembered it all too well. Unconsciously, she said the words aloud even as she remembered them.
"...Sticks and stones break ONLY bones..."
That can heal... too easily...
"...But words..... Words can shatter your soul."
And since when can you put a splint on that?
"I know all too well why someone who seems so... happy... so perfect... can turn around and kill themselves."
That was herself again...
"I wish I didn't. I sincerely wish I didn't. Such a horrible understanding... I don't even know why I stopped, that time when I was eight...."
She never had, and maybe never would know.
"..something told me it was not the right time. Something with weight, with authority. Even as I obey that voice to this day... Even as I refuse to allow the world to force me into this, as I always have refused to be forced into anything..."
And she still did...
"Even as I do... oftentimes, I curse whatever it was. For not letting me go to peace."
But something had to break sometime. It always did, eventually. She had always resolved it wouldn't be herself. Hiding behind the mask, the callous...
Her mask had cracked, that day... three weeks ago? Four? It seemed like eternity...
But now... now it had shattered.
And the pieces of herself were exposed, and starting to die...
She raised the finger to her head...
**************************************************************************** *************
I know. Some of you are screaming 'stereotypical SI character, has the fault of not believing in herself. Happens too much.'
Others are saying 'Look! Angst! Let's flame it!'
Curse you and your blindness.
Remember... This is an SI. That is me.
That is how I really feel.
Only... my mask is mostly intact. It has chipped some... sometimes the rage, the depression show through... but, I persevere.
I may not have a specific reason...
But I stick around because there is always the desperate hope that I can do someone some serious good.
Don't worry... I'm not going to go kill myself now or anything.
Goddamned voice forbid it... So I'll wait for its return. I'll probably be waiting until I die of old age.
Until then, I'm out here, searching for a purpose to my so-called life.
Next chapter... whenever. I'm never too sure about this.
See you next time, and remember...
Sticks and stones break only bones
And those heal right away.
Words can shatter someone's soul
So take care in what you say.
"Maybe I am being dramatic. But at least I'm honest at the same time."
-Me.
A list he had made when he realized the true power of the Shishi Hokodan.
A list of reasons why he hated himself... and why he hated Ranma.
Ranma stared back, externally of cold steel. Inside, however, he was extremely nervous. If what Kodora had asked him to write in the note were true...
Ranma was desperately hoping and praying it would not come to that, but if it was necessary to win, he would take the option. Kodora may have made him less chauvinistic, less prone to foot-in-mouth, and considerably better at social graces...
But Saotome Ranma still didn't lose.
Kodora was meditating. She would do everything she could to help Ranma. That was her personal goal here. Her own safety was of no concern to herself, not when someone else's happiness stood on the line. And she knew, from living so closely with Ranma, that if he lost.... That if he really truly lost... irrevocably...
He himself would be just as irrevocably lost.
She only hoped they didn't lose for winning.
**************************************************************************** *************
Passenger
Chapter 20: Deeper Wounds
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction by S. Starblade
Dedicated to all of us lost people, those who still look for purpose, but keep plugging away from determination.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Ranma 1/2 characters. I do own Kodora, the particular Sin Ku who appears in my fanfiction, and several other bit parts. If you insist on suing me, expect to get less money from it than your lawyer asks for.
This episode will not need a key, so I will not include it here.
**************************************************************************** *************
Kasumi ran like she couldn't remember ever having run before. She couldn't stop the major event, but there was one result... which she would avoid at all costs. The note was still clutched in her hand, and her favorite apron was getting dirty from her running through mud in the shortcuts. Her shoes had seen better days, and the hem of her yellow housedress was splattered with mud as well.
But there was one thing which called any cost to her.
Still at least two minutes more of running to get there, Kasumi ran.
To paraphrase a wonderful German movie....
Run, Kasumi, Run.
******
Ryoga glared at Ranma from across the field. "No games, Ranma. This is to determine who is better. This is a duel to incapability or forfeit. Understood?"
Ranma nodded. "Yes." He stated solemnly, the word not so much spoken as materialized... the essence of the affirmative made solid.
Then it began. Ryoga snapped open his umbrella, and sent it spinning like a top, narrowly missing his ponytailed adversary. He ignored it's return, not even catching it when it conveniently bounced up and folded, handle aimed for an easy spot to place his hand in. Instead, he began pulling bandannas from his forehead.
One, two... four... eight...
Ranma blinked. That was a lot of bandannas.
Somehow, Ryoga took all ten bandannas in one hand and set them all whirling without tangling them in each other. Thrusting his hand forward, he sent them flying in a spray, all arcing around towards Ranma.
The martial artist in red and black was far to experienced to just sit there and watch the bandannas. Something about them bugged him, though... He snagged one out of the air as he passed it on his way to Ryoga. A quick one-two punch combo was neatly dodged, and countered with a snap-kick.
The faster boy bounced out of the way, orbiting his opponent while raining down swift punches. A few made it through, causing Ryoga to grunt, but he cleared them away with a set of forceful arm sweeps. Ranma suddenly shifted stances and tactics, leaping into the air, and diving at the Lost Boy with a flying kick.
Ryoga caught the kick with his hands, and swung Ranma overhead into the ground.
Hiroshi and Daisuke, at the head of the crowd of Furinkan students, winced. That couldn't have felt good.
Ranma ignored the modest amount of pain, arching his back and kicking his foot over. His opponent was forced to release the limb or go flying, and Ryoga chose the former. Ranma rolled to his feet, eyeing the stockier boy with a modicum more respect.
Hiroshi looked at Daisuke after another whirlwind of punches died down. "Did you see that?"
"No."
"Oh, good. I thought I might be losing my eyesight. Guess not.*
Neither combatant was even winded yet, but the initial pleasentries had been given and taken. It was time to get down to it.
Ranma pulled a gymnastics club from his shirt, and flung it at Ryoga.
The lost boy wasted a moment double-checking to see that it was, indeed, a Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics club he'd caught, and recieved a foot to the face for his trouble. Falling back, he made another attempt at Ranma's leg, but the other fighter sprang back quickly, and shifted stances again.
Now Ryoga was starting to have serious trouble, as Ranma began a series of short hops in circles around him, no more than a foot or so off the ground, but each hop was punctuated by a fist or foot. Tiring of this, Ryoga yanked off his belt, and swung it in a wide circle around himself.
Ranma bounced away and came to a stop, examining the cut on his forearm. So, this one knew how to make weapons of any clothing? It was time to finish pulling out the stops.
"Look! A ten-yen coin!"
Somehow, Genma materialized, and started searching the ground.
Ryoga just glared at Ranma. "Pathetic. And to think..." The green aura manifested again. "..I was bested so many times by such a poor cheater!"
Ranma backed off some. Ryoga's attack was unpredictable... and fast. He'd have to stay far enough away for now to dodge, and try out Kodora's suggestion.
Now all he had to do was figure out what sort of focus he would use before Ryoga tagged him.
******
Akane paused, watching her elder sister continue to run. Panting, she looked, shocked, at the skyline near the school while she tried to catch her breath.
Green lights?
******
Ranma dodged another chi blast. This was starting to wear at him, and the other boy looked like he could keep throwing the damned things all day. He muttered to himself each time he took the focusing pose, and each time, the power of the chi increased a tiny bit.
Ranma could see that he needed to start fighting fire with fire.
But what to use?
His first try used his respect for his father.
Needless to say, all that got was a confused expression from Ranma, and derisive laughter from Ryoga.
"Ranma, you fool! Just mimicking me will do you no good! I do it like THIS! Shishi Hokodan!"
"Oof!" Commented Ranma, taking another short ride. He rolled out of the way of the next blast, and tried his love of and dedication to the martial arts.
He was rewarded with a gray blob the size of his head, which fizzled out in the face of Ryoga's beachball-sized blast. Ranma took another hit, and came up firing.
"Short-temper blast!"
Short was right- the spurt of energy was barely the size of a softball. Ranma practically slid to the left, and tried again.
"Pretty Scenery Crusher!"
Ryoga stopped and blinked. What?
Ranma frowned at the little white blob that had produced.
"Brotherly Love?"
This time, Ranma produced a glowing pinkish ball almost as large as Ryoga's attacks.
"Shishi Hokodan!"
That, too, fell, though only just barely.
Ranma resumed dodging, focusing on his aura. How did he usually bring out his chi? He idly noticed someone yelling at him, but was too preoccupied to notice.
******
Kasumi calmed Akane. "He's alright, at least for now. Get me the hose, please."
Akane nodded, stopped trying to tell Ranma that Kasumi was here, and ran for the tool shed.
******
He usually focused on frustration at his old man... but without his father in the fight (Oyaji was still searching for the ten-yen coin), that wouldn't work.
He'd tried his brotherly love for Kodora, and that had almost worked.
What about joy? Naah. He'd never had much of that. Depression? He was only feeling particularly down when he was particularly near Ryoga...
Anger? No, he wasn't particularly mad right now...
"Honor Pounder!".
Then again, Honor wasn't really a thing you could focus on like that...
Ranma ducked another blast, this one as large as a horse.
Ryoga's attacks were just getting stronger... There were already a few craters on the soccer field.
It looked like he had no other alternative.
He just hoped Kasumi had gotten here already. It was a risk he'd have to take.
"WATER!" He shouted, and was rewarded by nearly being knocked over from the spray of hose-water.
******
Kasumi tensed. That would be the moment of truth on its way.
******
Kodora stopped, and took the oncoming Shishi Hokodan full in the face. She got back up.
The girl was in horrible shape. Ranma had gotten hit by a few of the blasts, and come up none too much the worse for wear.
She, however, looked like she'd gone a few rounds with a wrecking ball and lost. Badly. She was covered in bruises.
Still, she got up, and started walking towards Ryoga. The next blast knocked her down again, but she got back up.
She began to think about her original life.
Ryoga jumped as a deep green-black aura sprang up around his opponent. She was also going to use the Shishi Hokodan? What did she have to be depressed about?
The girl looked at Ryoga. "Shishi Hokodan." She stated, throat somewhat constricted. A round blast formed in front of her, and launched itself at Ryoga. He countered with his own, and the remainder of his blast went on to strike her.
She got up again. And stared at him with crimson eyes gone near-black. "You're using depression as your focus, aren't you." It was not a question.
Ryoga snorted. "Of course. My life is hell. Why shouldn't I be depressed? I get lost all the time. I can't go to school. I have not one, not two, but three curses on me. Two of them family curses. I had a guide dog, but I lost it. The last compass I bought exploded when I touched it. Noone understands me. I've never gotten anything in life." With each statement, his aura seemed to grow slightly.
"Shishi Hokodan Perfect!" A column of chi consumed the two, leaving a crater. To everyone's amazement, neither one was moved by the blast. To Ryoga's amazement, Kodora stood still, apparently unaffected.
Kodora laughed, bitterly. The sound was so hollow, Ryoga shuddered involuntarily. She stepped up to a foot away from Ryoga, and stared at him hollowly, speaking almost monotonally, with nearly no emphasis.
"Ryoga, Ryoga, Ryoga. That's not depression. That's feeling kinda sorry for yourself. You want depression? Let me tell you about depression. Depression is how you feel... when you don't have any close friends, when you can't trust your own family with your personal life. When neither of your parents even TRIES to understand you. When you have to hide behind a shell. When you try to commit suicide at the age of eight, by attempting to drown in a public pool, only to have something say 'not now'. Living on that for TEN YEARS. Being the freak. Being the class nerd, clown, and the person everyone loves to hate, all at once, for twelve years. Having people treat you like a goddamned DICTIONARY or CALCULATOR, and then turning around and ignoring you when you say something important. Going to high school, promised a clean slate... to have your own FATHER turn on you and say that he is only going by your past performances. Learning that the person you used to hurt all the time, entirely by accident, is the only one who really wanted to be your friend. Being among the most intelligent people in the nation according to the goddamned tests, but never getting better than a B because you have a bad memory, worse study habits, and your parents hanging everything over your head. Finally getting another chance, only to find it blown by your appearance, which has somehow gotten even MORE abnormal than the plain old freak it already was. Another father, this one who abuses any trust given him, who is convinced that you are a force of evil. Being thrown away by people left and right because of how you look, and KNOWING that even if someone isn't stopped by that, then who you are will stop them. Depression is when the only reason you are still alive is because killing yourself would cause more pain to other people than living as a screw-up would. Let me show you depression."
There was an audible WHUMP as a huge, nearly-black green aura settled over the entire school and several surrounding blocks. The emotion leaked, and every last person there gradually started feeling more and more disgust with themself.
Kasumi shuddered, at the sidelines. It was worse than she possibly could have imagined.
Kodora stared at Ryoga, a horribly unsettling, hollow stare, her irises now as black as her pupils.
"Because..." Kodora whispered, "..Saotome Ranma doesn't lose, I give my all. Everything I can. The only person asking it is me.
Shi..."
The aura began to focus in on Kodora, letting the surrounding area slowly out of its influence.
"Shi..."
Several people crumpled, crying, glad to be free of the need to fling themselves off a cliff. The rest just stood, stunned at what had passed through their own heads.
"...Hokodan..."
Ryoga took a step back as the aura released him. Kodora was glowing. Glowing pure black. He ran for his life. He knew, somehow, that if he did not... he would die this day. He prayed his ability to get lost would kick in, preferably landing him on the other side of the world. Florida sounded good.
"...Superior." The last word fell with a hollo echo, a sound much like a tombstone falling on its coffin.
The black glow disappeared. Kodora pointed at Ryoga. Something almost solid gathered at her fingertip, then lanced out.
Ryoga cried out in pain as the beam lanced through his shoulder. Another hit his leg, and a third his left forearm. He stumbled on, counting himself lucky that she hadn't hit a joint yet.
A fourth beam found his ear, clipping the top off, and a fifth impaled the other thigh, matching the second.
Then it stopped. Ryoga looked around an instant. He was still in Tokyo.
That was far to close for him.
Ryoga kept running.
******
Falling to her knees, Kodora looked at her hand with eyes gone black.
She began to raise her finger to her head.
Just one instant, and it would be over... Never again the pain... the horrible pain...
It began flashing back.
"Dont' be so egocentric. Other people get made fun of too."
"Just ignore them. They'll go away on their own."
"Hmph. Be strong. Just say 'I'm impervious', and you'll be alright."
Boy were they wrong...
"Nerd!"
"Four eyes!"
"Railroad Tracks!"
"Would you do this page of homework for me? I'll give you five bucks..."
No... NO. It was wrong... It always had been, and the answer was always No....
"You'll never get anywhere."
"I'm a blackbelt..."
"If he's so good, why can't he ever beat you in a fight?"
The rage... she had always turned to that... it was so easy...
"You can do better than this."
"All you need is a good place to do the homework..."
"I'll watch to make sure you do it..."
"No, you can't have them back until you get a good grade."
"I said, no more video games."
The other releases... were all taken from her... what else did she have?
What else could she have?
"No, you can't be in the play. Not unless you can prove you don't need the time for homework."
"You're so smart! What happened?"
What had happened?
"Just stop being lazy!"
"You know that's what's wrong. Why haven't you fixed it yet?"
Idiot father... nothing was ever that simple...
"I thought you were my friend... why did you hit me?"
"The teacher got a split lip..."
I'm sorry... so sorry...
"They got it wrong, you know..."
That was herself. She was speaking. She remembered it all too well. Unconsciously, she said the words aloud even as she remembered them.
"...Sticks and stones break ONLY bones..."
That can heal... too easily...
"...But words..... Words can shatter your soul."
And since when can you put a splint on that?
"I know all too well why someone who seems so... happy... so perfect... can turn around and kill themselves."
That was herself again...
"I wish I didn't. I sincerely wish I didn't. Such a horrible understanding... I don't even know why I stopped, that time when I was eight...."
She never had, and maybe never would know.
"..something told me it was not the right time. Something with weight, with authority. Even as I obey that voice to this day... Even as I refuse to allow the world to force me into this, as I always have refused to be forced into anything..."
And she still did...
"Even as I do... oftentimes, I curse whatever it was. For not letting me go to peace."
But something had to break sometime. It always did, eventually. She had always resolved it wouldn't be herself. Hiding behind the mask, the callous...
Her mask had cracked, that day... three weeks ago? Four? It seemed like eternity...
But now... now it had shattered.
And the pieces of herself were exposed, and starting to die...
She raised the finger to her head...
**************************************************************************** *************
I know. Some of you are screaming 'stereotypical SI character, has the fault of not believing in herself. Happens too much.'
Others are saying 'Look! Angst! Let's flame it!'
Curse you and your blindness.
Remember... This is an SI. That is me.
That is how I really feel.
Only... my mask is mostly intact. It has chipped some... sometimes the rage, the depression show through... but, I persevere.
I may not have a specific reason...
But I stick around because there is always the desperate hope that I can do someone some serious good.
Don't worry... I'm not going to go kill myself now or anything.
Goddamned voice forbid it... So I'll wait for its return. I'll probably be waiting until I die of old age.
Until then, I'm out here, searching for a purpose to my so-called life.
Next chapter... whenever. I'm never too sure about this.
See you next time, and remember...
Sticks and stones break only bones
And those heal right away.
Words can shatter someone's soul
So take care in what you say.
"Maybe I am being dramatic. But at least I'm honest at the same time."
-Me.