**********I'm really sorry that it took so long to update this, but as some
of you know I've been really really busy with a lot of crap. So hopefully
the chapters will come smoothly now. Big thanks to all those who have
reviewed, I really love you guys, you make it so I can continue on with
this fic. And huge thanks to Anney who helped me with ideas and editing
that I myself was too lazy and dumb to do. Everyone thank ANNEY! WOOO. Okay
on with the fic..*******
Lonely days passed by and everyday he wished he had died. Cold rooms with its cold hollow sounds that almost sounded like the room it's self was breathing. Visitors were not allowed for about three days, and he spent most of time thinking, replaying every torturous deed his father had done to him, all the things in life he had been put through. But what bothered him the most was that he knew other people, some people... somewhere had it worse off than him and yet still managed to keep their sanity. He felt guilt for that. Guilty for knowing that somewhere on this God forsaken earth there were souls, more tortured than his own and yet they still managed to try and live their life best they could. Maybe it was just the fact that everyone was different.
He had his afternoon talks with a man named Mr. Nutter who asked him about his thoughts and views and yet Draco ignored him the entire time, not wanting to open up. Mr. Nutter would sit patiently writing things down ever so often if there was the slightest movement from Draco. He was one of those psychologists sent to help. On the third day and his ninth visit Draco finally opened up, meekly and vaguely answering his questions and describing his feelings. It felt kind of good to get the burden off of his back even if it did come back every time. He was only the slightest bit happy to hear that he would get visitors... even if his friends didn't seem like true friends at all. But he was the fool and it felt good to be the fool. Why the hell not? Having to think that someone actually cared about you was a lot better than having to know that they didn't.
After about an hour of awkward silence between Crabbe, Goyle and a slutty Pansy they left, and yet somehow thinking that they cared didn't help him right now. He laid in silence, his breathing barely even audible. He didn't expect to hear a knock on the door or the almost whispered "Hi."
He turned his head slowly meeting shiny emerald eyes and he knew know that being the fool better work this time or he was going to go off the edge.
"Hi," he said back, his gaze unwavering as stared into the green depths.
Harry smiled silently, and fidgeted some, "How are you feeling?"
Draco's jester mask was sliding off his face every second that went by till it fell to the floor, "Why the hell do you care Potter?" he asked malice literally dripping off his words. It hurt, to know that someone didn't really care. To know that you wanted them to care... and yet they just can't.
Harry's expression changed to sincere, "Because Draco, I do."
Draco glared and turned away noticing the sky was black and the stars shined liked diamonds. His little make believe world came crashing down completely in front of him and tears streamed down his face. He hated it, he didn't want to show weakness in front of his enemy, that wasn't how it was supposed to be but he just couldn't control his tears. He had turned into a bloody cry baby and he hated it, he hated himself. Harry got up from his seat, leaning over slightly, placing a comforting hand on Draco's shoulder and he tensed up, feeling his flesh heat to the bone like he was being burned. He shook as best as he could to get Harry's hand off of him, but Harry kept it there, unmoving and began to whisper.
"It's okay Draco, I won't hurt you... please stop crying... please."
"Get the fuck away from me." Draco managed to choke out. Harry let go and sat back down, head in his hands. Draco's sobs stopped but ever so often a silent tear trailed its way down his face and he felt worse and ashamed for showing his feelings and emotions, he wanted to punish himself.
"Don't try and fool me Potter, it won't work"
"What?" Harry asked as he looked at him in the eyes.
"Your only doing this comforting bull shit because you feel sorry. But guess what? I need your damned sympthany."
"Draco please, just listen to me-"
"Stop."
He wanted to listen, he wanted Harry to wrap him in his warm embrace and rock him back and forth telling him everything was okay, everything would always be okay and that he would be okay, they would be okay and that... that he loved him. But that wasn't what his mind told him. His mind told him it was a load of shit and not to believe a fucking word that left Harry's mouth because they were enemies. He was living in hells fiery pit of despair and he knew that Harry was possibly his only way out but somewhere deep inside he didn't want to confront that fact and he didn't want to leave the despair, because somehow it felt better.
"I refuse to listen your fucking explanations-"
"Why the hell won't you listen to me?" Harry said, his voice just a little higher.
"Because you're full of shit! THAT'S WHY! AND IT HURTS! It fucking hurts to know your lying to me..." he lowered his voice to a soft whisper, "It hurts."
Silence grew between them and Harry opened and closed his mouth wanting to say something, but couldn't quite get it out. Till finally he broke the silence and said, "I'm not lying."
Draco didn't say anything only swallowed hard and Harry got up to leave, taking one last look before he head out the door hoping things would be a little better between them.
Snape slowly walked by Draco on his way to his Potions class.
"What?"
Snape smiled slightly at him, "You sure you're ready to go back?"
Draco only nodded but knew entirely all to well that he wasn't ready and he never would be ready. He was searching for a reason why he was even trying why he didn't just give up. He knew... he knew his reason all too well in the back of his head but he choose to ignore it. He doubted he would make it, he couldn't save himself because he hated himself. It, like everything he chose to ignore, was clear. His wounds weren't entirely healed, on the outside and not even beginning to heal on the inside. How much more would he bleed? How much more pain would he have to swallow? How much must he live with? Losing himself in his thoughts he hadn't even realized he was standing in front of the Potions class, staring at the door.
He sighed and ran a hand through his unstyled hair which now swept across his shoulders. Looking down at the floor as he walked in. Silence filled the once loud room. He took back his old seat. Crabbe and Goyle on either side flashed him a small smile. He could hear whispering and he didn't like it, he placed his hands in his lap, slowly he roughly began to scratch at his almost healed wounds. New scars would cover where the olds ones were. He suddenly looked up when Crabbe moved over and Snape placed Harry next to him. He remembered every word that was said just the other day. He wanted to cry, but instead he scratched harder and more viciously breaking open the pale flesh and soaking in the pain that made him feel just a little better, almost like heaven. Focusing on the pain, the only thing that was real. Harry also flashed him a small smile and Draco just looked away. The class was starting the students began to quiet down and talk about other things...hopefully. In the corner of his eye he could see Harry had spotted what he was doing under the table and wished to God he would ignore it. A warm hand gently grabbed the cold one, pulling it away from the torn arm and holding it comfortingly. His emotions were overwhelming, but most of all he felt angry and yanked his hand back and ran out of the class hearing Snape call after him. He wasn't quite sure where he was headed all he knew was he needed to be away. Things were a blur as he ran as fast as he could. He noticed he was outside now and didn't slow his pace. He finally stopped at a post on the Quidditch field and slide down sitting on the cool grass leaning against one the posts, the shade covering him and protecting them from the sun. He wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his head in his lap. He breathed a shaky breath as he heard someone sit down next to him. He already knew who it was, he could sense it, he could smell it, and it smelled so good.
"Draco... "
"So what the fuck do you want Potter?" he asked lifting his head up and glaring at him.
Harry looked at him sharply, "You know you're a great actor. Somehow you make it seem like you're yourself again, and yet inside you know your not. So... call me Harry, please."
Draco was shocked and didn't reply.
"I just... well... first I wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened."
"I'm sick of apologies." he said and got up walking away quickly. He felt a hand on his arm holding him back and he tugged away from it, stumbling slightly, "DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!" he screamed, tears running down his face.
"I'm so-"
"DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY I'M SORRY AGAIN GOD DAMNIT! FUCK YOU!"
Harry stood up shocked watching as Draco break down in front of him.
Rain began to fall like his tears, seemingly flooding. Draco dropped to his knees in the grass and held his hand in between his knees sobbing roughly. His head hurt and was beginning to get dizzy.
"GO THE FUCK AWAY!"
Harry walked over reaching out a hand but pulled back, and instead watched, not knowing what to do.
"I could never understand a motherfucking word you ever said, I never did, I never will." Draco said, now starting to calm down some, suppressing his hurt, "Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you. The fucking savior, all that is right and perfect... you were never my savior."
"I'm not-"
"Shutup!" he shouted, raising his head, and looking up at him, "Twisted fame...," he sighed and sat there for what seemed like eternity till he finally stood up, making sure he had stuffed everything away in that little box in the back of his mind.
"You only wanted to say sorry, because you have a savior complex..." he looked down and breathed in hard, slowly looking up again, "I bet you'll never come down from your tower for me." he said and walked off, not looking back, even though he desperately wanted to. His legs felt weak and it was difficult for him to walk away leaving behind a confused Harry. He wanted to look back, but he wouldn't let himself do it, he refused to. Rain was pounding down harder now, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets and continued walking, leaving Harry to stand and watch as the rain came down.
"I would..." Harry whispered as a tear rolled down his cheek, "for you."
If you're reading this it means you actually read all of it. Lol, now you have to review! Please, give me more motivation to write and let me know what you think. And again huge thanks to all of you have reviewed and to Anney.
Lonely days passed by and everyday he wished he had died. Cold rooms with its cold hollow sounds that almost sounded like the room it's self was breathing. Visitors were not allowed for about three days, and he spent most of time thinking, replaying every torturous deed his father had done to him, all the things in life he had been put through. But what bothered him the most was that he knew other people, some people... somewhere had it worse off than him and yet still managed to keep their sanity. He felt guilt for that. Guilty for knowing that somewhere on this God forsaken earth there were souls, more tortured than his own and yet they still managed to try and live their life best they could. Maybe it was just the fact that everyone was different.
He had his afternoon talks with a man named Mr. Nutter who asked him about his thoughts and views and yet Draco ignored him the entire time, not wanting to open up. Mr. Nutter would sit patiently writing things down ever so often if there was the slightest movement from Draco. He was one of those psychologists sent to help. On the third day and his ninth visit Draco finally opened up, meekly and vaguely answering his questions and describing his feelings. It felt kind of good to get the burden off of his back even if it did come back every time. He was only the slightest bit happy to hear that he would get visitors... even if his friends didn't seem like true friends at all. But he was the fool and it felt good to be the fool. Why the hell not? Having to think that someone actually cared about you was a lot better than having to know that they didn't.
After about an hour of awkward silence between Crabbe, Goyle and a slutty Pansy they left, and yet somehow thinking that they cared didn't help him right now. He laid in silence, his breathing barely even audible. He didn't expect to hear a knock on the door or the almost whispered "Hi."
He turned his head slowly meeting shiny emerald eyes and he knew know that being the fool better work this time or he was going to go off the edge.
"Hi," he said back, his gaze unwavering as stared into the green depths.
Harry smiled silently, and fidgeted some, "How are you feeling?"
Draco's jester mask was sliding off his face every second that went by till it fell to the floor, "Why the hell do you care Potter?" he asked malice literally dripping off his words. It hurt, to know that someone didn't really care. To know that you wanted them to care... and yet they just can't.
Harry's expression changed to sincere, "Because Draco, I do."
Draco glared and turned away noticing the sky was black and the stars shined liked diamonds. His little make believe world came crashing down completely in front of him and tears streamed down his face. He hated it, he didn't want to show weakness in front of his enemy, that wasn't how it was supposed to be but he just couldn't control his tears. He had turned into a bloody cry baby and he hated it, he hated himself. Harry got up from his seat, leaning over slightly, placing a comforting hand on Draco's shoulder and he tensed up, feeling his flesh heat to the bone like he was being burned. He shook as best as he could to get Harry's hand off of him, but Harry kept it there, unmoving and began to whisper.
"It's okay Draco, I won't hurt you... please stop crying... please."
"Get the fuck away from me." Draco managed to choke out. Harry let go and sat back down, head in his hands. Draco's sobs stopped but ever so often a silent tear trailed its way down his face and he felt worse and ashamed for showing his feelings and emotions, he wanted to punish himself.
"Don't try and fool me Potter, it won't work"
"What?" Harry asked as he looked at him in the eyes.
"Your only doing this comforting bull shit because you feel sorry. But guess what? I need your damned sympthany."
"Draco please, just listen to me-"
"Stop."
He wanted to listen, he wanted Harry to wrap him in his warm embrace and rock him back and forth telling him everything was okay, everything would always be okay and that he would be okay, they would be okay and that... that he loved him. But that wasn't what his mind told him. His mind told him it was a load of shit and not to believe a fucking word that left Harry's mouth because they were enemies. He was living in hells fiery pit of despair and he knew that Harry was possibly his only way out but somewhere deep inside he didn't want to confront that fact and he didn't want to leave the despair, because somehow it felt better.
"I refuse to listen your fucking explanations-"
"Why the hell won't you listen to me?" Harry said, his voice just a little higher.
"Because you're full of shit! THAT'S WHY! AND IT HURTS! It fucking hurts to know your lying to me..." he lowered his voice to a soft whisper, "It hurts."
Silence grew between them and Harry opened and closed his mouth wanting to say something, but couldn't quite get it out. Till finally he broke the silence and said, "I'm not lying."
Draco didn't say anything only swallowed hard and Harry got up to leave, taking one last look before he head out the door hoping things would be a little better between them.
Snape slowly walked by Draco on his way to his Potions class.
"What?"
Snape smiled slightly at him, "You sure you're ready to go back?"
Draco only nodded but knew entirely all to well that he wasn't ready and he never would be ready. He was searching for a reason why he was even trying why he didn't just give up. He knew... he knew his reason all too well in the back of his head but he choose to ignore it. He doubted he would make it, he couldn't save himself because he hated himself. It, like everything he chose to ignore, was clear. His wounds weren't entirely healed, on the outside and not even beginning to heal on the inside. How much more would he bleed? How much more pain would he have to swallow? How much must he live with? Losing himself in his thoughts he hadn't even realized he was standing in front of the Potions class, staring at the door.
He sighed and ran a hand through his unstyled hair which now swept across his shoulders. Looking down at the floor as he walked in. Silence filled the once loud room. He took back his old seat. Crabbe and Goyle on either side flashed him a small smile. He could hear whispering and he didn't like it, he placed his hands in his lap, slowly he roughly began to scratch at his almost healed wounds. New scars would cover where the olds ones were. He suddenly looked up when Crabbe moved over and Snape placed Harry next to him. He remembered every word that was said just the other day. He wanted to cry, but instead he scratched harder and more viciously breaking open the pale flesh and soaking in the pain that made him feel just a little better, almost like heaven. Focusing on the pain, the only thing that was real. Harry also flashed him a small smile and Draco just looked away. The class was starting the students began to quiet down and talk about other things...hopefully. In the corner of his eye he could see Harry had spotted what he was doing under the table and wished to God he would ignore it. A warm hand gently grabbed the cold one, pulling it away from the torn arm and holding it comfortingly. His emotions were overwhelming, but most of all he felt angry and yanked his hand back and ran out of the class hearing Snape call after him. He wasn't quite sure where he was headed all he knew was he needed to be away. Things were a blur as he ran as fast as he could. He noticed he was outside now and didn't slow his pace. He finally stopped at a post on the Quidditch field and slide down sitting on the cool grass leaning against one the posts, the shade covering him and protecting them from the sun. He wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his head in his lap. He breathed a shaky breath as he heard someone sit down next to him. He already knew who it was, he could sense it, he could smell it, and it smelled so good.
"Draco... "
"So what the fuck do you want Potter?" he asked lifting his head up and glaring at him.
Harry looked at him sharply, "You know you're a great actor. Somehow you make it seem like you're yourself again, and yet inside you know your not. So... call me Harry, please."
Draco was shocked and didn't reply.
"I just... well... first I wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened."
"I'm sick of apologies." he said and got up walking away quickly. He felt a hand on his arm holding him back and he tugged away from it, stumbling slightly, "DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!" he screamed, tears running down his face.
"I'm so-"
"DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY I'M SORRY AGAIN GOD DAMNIT! FUCK YOU!"
Harry stood up shocked watching as Draco break down in front of him.
Rain began to fall like his tears, seemingly flooding. Draco dropped to his knees in the grass and held his hand in between his knees sobbing roughly. His head hurt and was beginning to get dizzy.
"GO THE FUCK AWAY!"
Harry walked over reaching out a hand but pulled back, and instead watched, not knowing what to do.
"I could never understand a motherfucking word you ever said, I never did, I never will." Draco said, now starting to calm down some, suppressing his hurt, "Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you. The fucking savior, all that is right and perfect... you were never my savior."
"I'm not-"
"Shutup!" he shouted, raising his head, and looking up at him, "Twisted fame...," he sighed and sat there for what seemed like eternity till he finally stood up, making sure he had stuffed everything away in that little box in the back of his mind.
"You only wanted to say sorry, because you have a savior complex..." he looked down and breathed in hard, slowly looking up again, "I bet you'll never come down from your tower for me." he said and walked off, not looking back, even though he desperately wanted to. His legs felt weak and it was difficult for him to walk away leaving behind a confused Harry. He wanted to look back, but he wouldn't let himself do it, he refused to. Rain was pounding down harder now, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets and continued walking, leaving Harry to stand and watch as the rain came down.
"I would..." Harry whispered as a tear rolled down his cheek, "for you."
If you're reading this it means you actually read all of it. Lol, now you have to review! Please, give me more motivation to write and let me know what you think. And again huge thanks to all of you have reviewed and to Anney.