Author's note: This fic is not set in any particular area of the Angel Sanctuary timeline, but somewhere after the re-awakening of Alexiel.
Special mention: My perpetual counterpart, Shyria, aka 'Zimus' here on ff.net, had a HUGE hand in this. LOVE HER.
Dissolve
Katou sat alone, dust swirling past his ankles, a bleak landscape framing his thin, reclining form. The breeze floating by was not as cold as it was musty…and dead. Silent as a statue he stared off into the endless desolation. Not far away, Kira walked against the wind, shielding his eyes to keep the dust from blinding him. Consequently, the arm protecting his face was obscuring his vision anyway. He smiled wryly to himself, thinking Heaven was not the immaculate paradise it was made out to be after all. Caught up in his thoughts, and the fact that he was not able to see properly, Kira nearly passed by the still, brooding Katou.
Katou rather felt he was doing his part to contribute to the rotting atmosphere. He didn't feel very vivacious, nor did he imagine that he looked particularly chipper. The wind toyed with his hair, sweeping it back and forth…back and forth. It was almost hypnotic to any who cared to watch. Other than that, Katou was perfectly motionless.
As Kira passed, his hand bent forward and caught the loose fabric of his friend's pant leg, remarking in a somewhat monotone voice, "At least stop and smell the corpses, buddy." Suddenly captive, Kira started slightly. A voice, seemingly disembodied, floated up to his ears. Looking down, he discovered the blond boy latched to his pants. He almost didn't recognize Katou at first, dust outlining his features oddly.
"Corpse," Kira corrected. "I only see one." The usual bemused look settled itself on his features.
Katou's crooked smile beamed back at him. "I'm sure there's more around here somewhere." He let go of the pant leg, brushing some stray stands of sooty hair out of his eyes. "This is one hell of a place, yeah?" The blond looked somehow decrepit, as if he were missing something…perhaps bitten out of….
Kira reached a hand down to pull Katou to his feet. Something about his friend's appearance bothered him. He couldn't place it, but this was not exactly the familiar face he had memorized over and over again. Frowning, he looked closely at the other's features, "…You look…different…."
Rising reluctantly, Katou avoided Kira's searching eyes. "Hey, stop starin'," he protested, backing away from the piercing gaze. "You ain't a fucking basket of roses either." He shook his head and turned to look back dejectedly at the forlorn landscape. "They all call me 'Yue' here…. I hate it," he continued, in an attempt to avert the conversation from his appearance. Kira new all too well he was hiding something, but after careful consideration, decided not to press the matter.
"Heh…. Well, that's Heaven for you. They're all fucked up bastards here." He pulled out a cigarette and lit it slowly, still watching Katou.
"Yeah…." Katou's thin shoulders drooped inward slightly. "I left their asses up in that palace thing." He shifted his weight between feet, apparently nervous. "They can talk all they want, the fuckers."
"Palace? What were you doing in there?" Kira returned with a bit of surprise. He took a couple of steps forward to use Katou's shoulder as an armrest. Katou's smile resurfaced at Kira's his familiar touch, though it felt like mining through millions of layers of heavy armor to dig it up again.
"Oh, I'm a celebrity up here, Kira. Crashed a few parties, threw around a few names…shit like that. 'S nothing."
Kira snorted in amusement, and blew a narrow stream of smoke into the air in front of him. He watched it blend with the whirling dust. Unfortunately, the combined assault of the dust and cigarette smoke on Kira's lungs was far from pleasant. "Ah…shit…." Coughing, he flicked the offending cigarette to the ground and smashed it violently with the heel of his shoe. "Any relief from the dust nearby? Some of us still rely on respiration…."
"Aw, damn. Why'd you do that?" Katou scolded, mourning the loss of the crushed cigarette. "Dust? …O-oh yeah…I uh…." He shrugged and gazed at the rock he'd been sitting on earlier. "I dunno. Didn't see anything on the way." Absently, Katou held his finger to the wind, wishing he could feel its grainy caress. Kira gave him a sour look.
"Figures…" he muttered. Glaring at the ground, he wondered why he had agreed to meet Katou in such a godforsaken place. Godforsaken? Heh, how ironic. Looking back to Katou he noticed the wistful expression on the other's face; Kira gave him a questioning look, hoping to trick the blond boy into voicing his concerns.
"I'm used to it," Katou replied with a shrug. "I've been here for a while. The bastards are taking forever," he added under his breath. Giving Kira a weak slap on the back he quickly continued, "At least there's one fuck up here now that doesn't look at me like gutter trash. Heh…." Kira's hand shot out and caught Katou's, holding it fast so he couldn't pull away. He looked searchingly into Katou's face.
"….What's bothering you?" he asked bluntly.
" 'Ey!" He twisted his hand a bit, in surprise and anger, feeling uncomfortable under Kira's scrutiny. "Damn, your hands are cold man—or is it just me? …Bothering me? Nothing can bother me—I don't fucking feel anything anymore. Sounds like what I always wanted, yeah? Well, fuck that!" He kicked the ground violently. "They're gonna leave me here, those bastards. You ever wonder where all this damn dust came from? Hell, I think I know…."
Kira was shocked at the outburst resulting from his seemingly un-provocative question, but did not let go of Katou's hand. "What bastards, Katou-chan? There's no one here." He swept his arm around, indicating the lonely area then stood in. The blond grit his teeth, eyes shifting with a pleading glance.
"They're here…and they'll leave me to fuck the dust. Pieces of me are gonna get stuck in people's eyes…and they'll say, 'Shit! Get this crap outta my face!'" His voice was edging on the hysterical, any semblance of control he had slipping away like the dust around. "I-I…don't want to…."
Kira's breath drew in sharply as the implied plight pieced itself together in his mind. He stared at his friend, standing wide-eyed in front of him, the dust eddying around them…dust of bodies long decayed. Kira felt slightly ill at the prospect, but did not let it surface in his expression, remaining silent for the time being. Katou attempted again to wrench his hand away from Kira's vice-like grip. This time, the skin twisted and unwound from his wrist in a thin peel, the sight causing him to feel weak and drained.
"They're taking too long! Fuck, no! NO—" Letting go of his wrist and lightly grabbing his shoulders instead, Kira said quietly, "Calm down. You'll just make it worse by using your energy needlessly. Calm down, Katou-chan…."
He fell limply against Kira's grasp and a soft moan escaped his throat. The ribbon of skin floated behind Katou's hand like a demented wrapping; he looked dully at it, his eyes struggling to regain the luster they had lost in the hysteria.
"Worse?! Nothing is worse…. Nothing is me…and I am nothing…." Kira sighed and gently embraced him. He stood like this for a moment or two, listening to the silence, trying to clear his head enough to think properly.
"You're not nothing—if that were true my hands would go right through you."
Katou leaned into him, tears that refused to fall stinging his eyes. He savored the push of another body against his—something real, something there.
"I will be, Kira. They have no reason to keep my body running…or send me back…and they're right…" he whispered into Kira's shirt."
"What about Uriel? Haven't you seen him yet?" Kira continued to hold the upset Katou, but carefully, as to not have a repeat of a few minutes ago. A twinge of anxiety at the prospect of this possibly being the final end twisted the pit of his stomach. The peel of bitter laughter rising from Katou's lips interrupted his thoughts.
"No, the old bastard doesn't care anymore. Ain't comin' this time," he said, an edge of regret in his words. He disengaged from Kira, sinking back down to the rock. He scraped viciously at the base of the loose skin, and tore it swiftly away, letting it meander away on the wind. As a brutal afterthought, Katou dug a dirty fingernail into the flesh below his ear and jerked his hand downward. From that point to his jaw line the pale, white dermis ripped away from his body, revealing the sensitive new layers below. There was a small cut where his nail had stabbed in, and dark blood welled up from it, trickling down the exposed fresh skin, it's slight acidity stinging vapidly. With some warped sense of glee, Katou threw that tearing to the teeth of the wind as well.
Kira stared at him, the anxiety beginning to show through in his face. "Stop…." His eyes widened at the sight of the skin floating away on the breeze, watching it dance and dissolve with a morbid fascination so he could barely tear his eyes away.
"Stop? I can't stop it…." In both places where the skin was missing it felt raw and good, for the sole reason of it being real. Up to that moment, he had been unable to sense at all and this new pain, it was comforting.
"Only they can," he said, staring at his arm in a detached fashion. "Once they decide."
"Who are 'they'?" Kira was starting to get frustrated with his indecisiveness, and felt a sense of urgency with the situation. "And why do they have to…decide?" He winced inwardly—the image invading his thoughts of a committee debating over Katou's fate was unnerving.
" 'Cause the time's up," Katou answered with a grimace after remaining infuriatingly silent a moment longer. Dust had begun to collect in the wounds and it burned him with a happy fury. He looked up at Kira, resigned to his fate. "No more use for a dead thing. Time to be dead. That's gonna be their decision."
"Who are 'they'?!" Kira was tired of the way he kept avoiding the answer. "Maybe you could stop this is you would fucking try!" Eyes blazing, his frustrated fury finally overflowed. Katou flinched at the outburst, but did not move from his seat on the rock.
"I don't have any say in this," he growled at Kira, unfolding his legs and standing. "Or did you forget this body is a FUCKING LOANER?! I can't say a fucking thing, idiot! I'm just me, OK?!" His voice seethed with uncontrolled anger.
Kira stood before him, visage smoothing into an impassive mask. Eyes narrowing, he leaned close to Katou and said coldly, "Dissolve then. See if I give a fuck."
A revolting shiver ran down Katou's spine as Kira, snake-like, leaned close. His flesh crawled from the menacing air the other imposed. At that moment he seemed more like Lucifer than Kira. "My ass you don't care. Find someone else to cry over." The darkness crept around the edges of his burning eyes, hating the words, yet wanting them at the same time. "It's not my fault," he said through clenched teeth.
"It is if you don't try to help yourself," came Kira's answer. He turned back the way he had come and squinted into the distance. If I could just get to Uriel…I could force him to help; I could get into some deep shit for that…I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm sure that would be the least of Lucifer's crimes. Kira smiled bitterly at his own thoughts, wondering exactly why he had reversed his behavior from nonchalantly burying Katou in the park to doing everything for him.
Katou's eyes narrowed dangerously, "What do you want me to do? Go out there and kill the angels?" He spat on the ground at Kira's heels and continued, "…Like you?"
Kira's posture stiffened visibly at the judgment. He didn't turn, or speak, just stared at the hazy distance for what seemed like eternity. It's true…I'm nothing but a cold-blooded killer…Damn you Alexiel…Lucifer…Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't I just be human?
The pink pattern of new skin around his wrist reminded Katou of the many deaths he had suffered. Considering the wound, he said quietly, "Maybe I should just end this stupid cycle. If I gotta die every fucking time, what's the point anymore?"
Kira watched the horizon, thoughts inevitably turning toward the dust of the dead things catching in his hair, threatening to sting his eyes. Turning back to Katou he answered, "You should count yourself lucky—very few humans get the option of trying again. Death is a finality for everyone except you…."
"Try again, try again…. Oi, Every time I mess it up. I hate being reminded that I'm a failure every single time," he retorted with a dismissive wave of his hand. Katou tilted his head slightly, a frown creasing his frail features.
With a half-hearted smile (more for Katou's benefit than that he actually felt happy), Kira replied, "You'll get it right some day, Katou-chan. There has to be a damn good reason why you've been given so many chances." I wish I could say the same for myself…Not in all eternity could I repair the damage I've done…
Surprised by Kira's offering of kind words, Katou cocked his head the other way and laughed. The sound was thin and reedy, but it was backed by real mirth and hope. "You think so? You think this idiot can really do good?" He jumped forward and embraced Kira, feeling slightly silly though they were alone. "A damn good reason, huh? You hear that mother fuckers?!" The last comment was directed to the vast expanse of desolation. "Put another coin in my machine, nyeh!" Kira chuckled quietly, trying to remember what life had been like before Katou had tumbled recklessly into it, ruing all attempts to fend off the human feelings he had once found threatening and undesirable. He carefully put his arms around the blond boy, reveling in the thought that there were a precious few that treated him as human. Heh, maybe there is some hope for such an evil thing as me after all…
Even as Kira did this, he could feel Katou's body dissolving in arms. He didn't speak, wishing Katou would not notice and die without fear, instead just holding tightly to him. Oh, if only he could hold Katou together, keep him from disappearing…but it mattered not how strongly he willed it. At the first gust of ash from the hands resting on Kira's back, however, Katou knew he would soon melt into the whirlwind around.
Kira watched him fade, the dust clinging to his shirt and floating around him. Katou seemed to be framed in a grayish twilight, as he became less substantial and more ghostly. Just as the last of his body turned back to earth, Katou looked up and breathed softly, "They've decided…" and it seemed to Kira that the light of his eyes gleamed for long moments after he was gone…dead…dissolved.