Story: Sick of Giving Up
Warnings: Slash (boy/boy love), some vulgar language, and melancholy (one-shot)
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all the characters are NOT MINE! I don't own anything, J.K. Rowling does.
Summary: Harry writes his own letter to Draco but the letter will never be sent. (After the story Sickness With You)
**--**--**
I can't believe it.
It's to unreal.
It's not right.
We were suppose to be together.
Forever.
You even said so.
But, I guess, maybe I deserved this.
All that you said... wrote, to me, was all true.
I never did let you see past my masks, or see into my soul anymore. I couldn't let you because I became to guarded with my own insecurities.
I became jealous of you.
I don't even know when it happened, but it did.
And now I'm paying the price for it.
You're gone and I'm alone.
Because I was too worried about you leaving me, even though you convinced me otherwise years ago, I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head that said 'you need someone better.'
I couldn't stop myself from thinking that 'My god that guy is going to take him away from me!' or 'Just look at him flirting with MY love' and I let the jealously consume me.
Every time I saw you talk to a friend, a co-worker, my friends, hell, even MY boss, I thought you would start screwing them in front of my eyes and look at me and laugh in my face.
I began to distance myself, setting myself up for pain and rejection. I did that for the last two years in our relationship, and you never once DID screw someone else. You stayed by my side and I didn't give a owl's ass because I doubted you.
I doubted everything we stood for.
I can't believe you even stayed that long after what I did to you.
Hell, I know I wouldn't have if I was in your position.
Still, you did, and you only wanted me to be happy.
Now that you're gone though, and now that I've realized I made the biggest mistake in my life, I now know that I love you with more then my heart, but with my soul.
I don't understand why it took me so long to figure it out, but it did.
Maybe it was from my past, or my worries, or my brain thinking and not my heart, but I have a feeling it's because I didn't trust myself.
I didn't trust myself to make YOU happy.
I didn't trust myself to give you anything you didn't have.
Even though I knew I gave you love for the first years of our relationship, I didn't truly give you my heart, and I think you knew it.
Thinking back, I could see it in your eyes, that little sign of recognition in your orbs that you knew I couldn't bring myself to give you my heart.
I could remember seeing the pain when you kiss me, and I didn't kiss back.
Or when we left for our dates, I never truly allowed myself to be held by you.
But with all the things I did to you, you still tried.
You tried more and more everyday.
I don't understand why.
You said you just wanted me to be happy.
How am I suppose to be happy when I find out that I love you so much I could kill myself and by the time I realized it, it was too late to tell you?
I can't find my happiness until I find you, but I don't have a clue as to where you are.
I've been tracking you down through the ministry for more than eighteen months now. My friends are fed up with me, my boss says 'You're working on my last nerves!' everyday, and I'm still no closer to finding you.
I look for clues in your letter to me, but I can't find any.
I've looked through our house ten-times over but I'm still stuck with nothing.
I asked all your friends, acquaintances, and then some, but it's nothing.
I've been so close to giving up, but I can't.
Not now.
I gave up on you before, and I won't do it again.
What little hope I have left, I'm going to stretch it for all I'm worth, and I will find you one day. I won't give up and I won't surrender to weakness.
I'll never stop looking, and I'll searched the whole damn world seventy times before doing it all again.
I promise you, I won't give up.
I love you too much to do that.
With Love To You,
Harry Malfoy-Potter
**Author's Note** Here's the second of two. Hope people like it and someone reviews! Thanks for any future reviews!
Warnings: Slash (boy/boy love), some vulgar language, and melancholy (one-shot)
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all the characters are NOT MINE! I don't own anything, J.K. Rowling does.
Summary: Harry writes his own letter to Draco but the letter will never be sent. (After the story Sickness With You)
**--**--**
I can't believe it.
It's to unreal.
It's not right.
We were suppose to be together.
Forever.
You even said so.
But, I guess, maybe I deserved this.
All that you said... wrote, to me, was all true.
I never did let you see past my masks, or see into my soul anymore. I couldn't let you because I became to guarded with my own insecurities.
I became jealous of you.
I don't even know when it happened, but it did.
And now I'm paying the price for it.
You're gone and I'm alone.
Because I was too worried about you leaving me, even though you convinced me otherwise years ago, I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head that said 'you need someone better.'
I couldn't stop myself from thinking that 'My god that guy is going to take him away from me!' or 'Just look at him flirting with MY love' and I let the jealously consume me.
Every time I saw you talk to a friend, a co-worker, my friends, hell, even MY boss, I thought you would start screwing them in front of my eyes and look at me and laugh in my face.
I began to distance myself, setting myself up for pain and rejection. I did that for the last two years in our relationship, and you never once DID screw someone else. You stayed by my side and I didn't give a owl's ass because I doubted you.
I doubted everything we stood for.
I can't believe you even stayed that long after what I did to you.
Hell, I know I wouldn't have if I was in your position.
Still, you did, and you only wanted me to be happy.
Now that you're gone though, and now that I've realized I made the biggest mistake in my life, I now know that I love you with more then my heart, but with my soul.
I don't understand why it took me so long to figure it out, but it did.
Maybe it was from my past, or my worries, or my brain thinking and not my heart, but I have a feeling it's because I didn't trust myself.
I didn't trust myself to make YOU happy.
I didn't trust myself to give you anything you didn't have.
Even though I knew I gave you love for the first years of our relationship, I didn't truly give you my heart, and I think you knew it.
Thinking back, I could see it in your eyes, that little sign of recognition in your orbs that you knew I couldn't bring myself to give you my heart.
I could remember seeing the pain when you kiss me, and I didn't kiss back.
Or when we left for our dates, I never truly allowed myself to be held by you.
But with all the things I did to you, you still tried.
You tried more and more everyday.
I don't understand why.
You said you just wanted me to be happy.
How am I suppose to be happy when I find out that I love you so much I could kill myself and by the time I realized it, it was too late to tell you?
I can't find my happiness until I find you, but I don't have a clue as to where you are.
I've been tracking you down through the ministry for more than eighteen months now. My friends are fed up with me, my boss says 'You're working on my last nerves!' everyday, and I'm still no closer to finding you.
I look for clues in your letter to me, but I can't find any.
I've looked through our house ten-times over but I'm still stuck with nothing.
I asked all your friends, acquaintances, and then some, but it's nothing.
I've been so close to giving up, but I can't.
Not now.
I gave up on you before, and I won't do it again.
What little hope I have left, I'm going to stretch it for all I'm worth, and I will find you one day. I won't give up and I won't surrender to weakness.
I'll never stop looking, and I'll searched the whole damn world seventy times before doing it all again.
I promise you, I won't give up.
I love you too much to do that.
With Love To You,
Harry Malfoy-Potter
**Author's Note** Here's the second of two. Hope people like it and someone reviews! Thanks for any future reviews!