Summary: Ever sat and watched a movie and thought, hey they really should
have died then! No? Well I have apparently ^__^ btw I love the fellowship
and wish them no specific harm (except for a little teensie weensie cold
perhaps for Legolas and maybe a bit of poison ivy). So on with the
story....
The Thousand deaths of the fellowship, Book 1
~Prologue: The last alliance~
That arrow that flies by Elrond's ear at the start is aimed a little too far to the left:
*pfft* *thunk* a surprised expression freezes on Elrond's face as he stiffly falls forward
Elvan archer: "Ooooo, sorry Elrond"
~Hobbington~
Frodo miscalculates the distance between himself and the cart
Frodo "It's good to see you"
*jump* *thunk* Gandalf continues, running over the hobbit.
* * *
When Gandalf enters Bilbo's hobbit hole and hits his head he is knocked out and goes into a coma. Frodo pulls the plug on him in three weeks.
~On the way to Rivendell~
Aragorn brains Pippin when he tosses that apple on his head
* * *
Bill rolls onto Sam in his sleep, smothering him
~Ford of Bruinen~
Arwen is riding towards the Ford of Bruinen, Frodo in hand.
It is not Ring wraiths that pursue her but a golden haired elf, riding a.....mule?
Glorfindel: 'I'll teach you to steal my horse.....she elf! Asfoloth! Sit. The grey horse obediently sat like a dog, dumping Arwen on the ground where she is trampled to death by Glorfindel's mule.
* * *
At the Ford Arwen summons the flood. As the last of the Ring wraiths are swept away Elrond steps from behind the bushes and starts to drag her away by the ear.
Elrond: "What did I tell you about stealing people's parts"
He tosses her into the flooding river "That's that then"
~The gate of Rivendell~
Boromir arrives at Rivendell, his horse throws him and stomps on his head for good measure
~Rivendell~
Boromir pays with the shards of Narsil and cuts himself "Still sharp" Little did you know that ancient sword was swarming with Bacteria and Boromir dies from infection a few weeks later.
* * *
Aragorn accidentally knocks Arwen off bridge in big love scene
"You cannot give me this" "It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my." *Thwack* "Aarrrrrrrgh"
* * *
At Imladris, Elrond is looking pensively out of a window. Glorfindel comes up behind him, yawns and puts his arm around his shoulders. Elrond sighs "I said * no* Glorfindel" He picks up a letter opener and stabs him in the chest. "This is the exact same reason you lost your part" he tells the gurgling elf
* * *
Elrond "Gandalf I said no, why can't people understand! I don't have those kind of feelings for you!" "Well if I can't have you no one can"
He turns him into a ham and cheese sandwich.
~Council of Elrond~
At the council of Elrond, Leggie jumps up and claims Aragorn is Isildeur's heir
"This is Isildeur's heir?" Boromir asks incredulously. He promptly unsheathes his sword and runs Aragorn though.
"What, he was Isildeur's heir. The bastard stole the ring!" he says to the council. Legolas, angry that his next line was interrupted, stabs Boromir in the back with one of his knives.
* * *
Elrond, far from amused that the hobbits crash the secret council, has them executed for espionage rather than letting them join the fellowship.
* * *
At the council of Elrond one of those animated (yeah right) elders of Gondor falls stiffly forward onto the ground in the middle of Elrond's speech. Boromir sets him up again on the chair while the rest of the council looks on.
"Oh don't worry about him" Boromir says in response to the stares "They aren't real..they're stuffed." He knocks one on the head for effect. "I just brought them so it would look like I was a big shot you know..with like followers?"
Elrond: "Well now you mention it Figwit here is fake too" He knocks the elf over the head, "See?" Figwit starts to object but Elrond hauls him over his shoulder To prove his point Elrond throws the elf off the cliff. Random other elf: "Actually, that one was real, it's this one that is fake" he says pointing beside him "Oh" says Elrond. Gurgling can be heard from the bottom of the cliff............then all is silent.
* * *
When Legolas gets up to speak he trips on his poncho and hits his head on the pedestal holding the ring.
* * *
Gimli hits the ring with his axe, which shatters, a piece lodges into Gimli's brain and he falls down dead, Elrond sweeps him behind a bush and continues the meeting.
* * *
Legolas brings his bow to the council of Elrond, playing with while Elrond delivers his speech. He accidentally kills two random elves, and Sam, who was hiding in the bushes. As an arrow lands in Elrond's chair just between his legs, he orders Legolas be carried away to the dungeons. Figwit looks on reprovingly.
* * *
Figwit, upset by all the arguing in the council kills everyone and then pawns off the ring.
~Rivendell~
When Bilbo makes a lunge for the ring he impales himself on Sting which Frodo is still holding.
~Hollen? Is this where this is supposed to be, the rocks where they spot the Crebain in any case~
When the hobbits are mock fighting with Boromir and the man accidentally hurts Pippin "Sorry" But apologies are no use and both hobbits fall on him... stabbing him to death.
~ Caradhras ~
Boromir puts down Merry and Pippin and they sink through the snow and out the other side of the ledge they are on. "You morooooooooooooonn" can be heard on the wind as they fall to their respective dooms.
* * *
Boromir Pushes Aragorn off the mountain "King indeed!" he says while dusting his hands off.
* * *
Legolas after his "there is a fell voice on the air" is blown away by a gust of wind. "Remind me to anchor the elf next time" Aragorn shouts to Gandalf
* * *
Still on Caradhras , Aragorn and Boromir get into the hobbit's 'weed' They soon begin to see poka doted twister playing ring wraiths and jump off a cliff.
* * * As they are returning down Caradhras Legolas gives Gimli a little shove. Gimli starts rolling down the hill and is soon a large white ball of snow "Oh, am I bad?"
~Outside Moria~
The watcher in the water at the gates of Moria eats Bill unnoticed by the rest of the fellowship
* * *
Aragorn, encouraged by multitudes of slashfic decides to try his luck with Legolas. The next day his body is found with three arrows sticking out of his chest.
............
Ok now lets recount the number of times we have killed members of the fellowship and their significant others.
Elrond: 1, Frodo: 1, Gandalf: 2, Pippin: 2, Sam: 3, Arwen: 3, Aragorn: 4, Boromir: 5, Glorfindel: 1, Merry: 1, Figwit: 1, Legolas:1, Gimli: 2, Bilbo: 1, Bill: 1, Random elves: 2, Everyone at the Council of Elrond with the exception of Figwit: 1
Ok so the winner so far is....drum roll please...Boromir, poor little Boromir, death seems to like him too much.....
I'm planning to get some serious elf chick killing done in the next chapter, if I write one. Cause those birds really got up my nose.
The Thousand deaths of the fellowship, Book 1
~Prologue: The last alliance~
That arrow that flies by Elrond's ear at the start is aimed a little too far to the left:
*pfft* *thunk* a surprised expression freezes on Elrond's face as he stiffly falls forward
Elvan archer: "Ooooo, sorry Elrond"
~Hobbington~
Frodo miscalculates the distance between himself and the cart
Frodo "It's good to see you"
*jump* *thunk* Gandalf continues, running over the hobbit.
* * *
When Gandalf enters Bilbo's hobbit hole and hits his head he is knocked out and goes into a coma. Frodo pulls the plug on him in three weeks.
~On the way to Rivendell~
Aragorn brains Pippin when he tosses that apple on his head
* * *
Bill rolls onto Sam in his sleep, smothering him
~Ford of Bruinen~
Arwen is riding towards the Ford of Bruinen, Frodo in hand.
It is not Ring wraiths that pursue her but a golden haired elf, riding a.....mule?
Glorfindel: 'I'll teach you to steal my horse.....she elf! Asfoloth! Sit. The grey horse obediently sat like a dog, dumping Arwen on the ground where she is trampled to death by Glorfindel's mule.
* * *
At the Ford Arwen summons the flood. As the last of the Ring wraiths are swept away Elrond steps from behind the bushes and starts to drag her away by the ear.
Elrond: "What did I tell you about stealing people's parts"
He tosses her into the flooding river "That's that then"
~The gate of Rivendell~
Boromir arrives at Rivendell, his horse throws him and stomps on his head for good measure
~Rivendell~
Boromir pays with the shards of Narsil and cuts himself "Still sharp" Little did you know that ancient sword was swarming with Bacteria and Boromir dies from infection a few weeks later.
* * *
Aragorn accidentally knocks Arwen off bridge in big love scene
"You cannot give me this" "It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my." *Thwack* "Aarrrrrrrgh"
* * *
At Imladris, Elrond is looking pensively out of a window. Glorfindel comes up behind him, yawns and puts his arm around his shoulders. Elrond sighs "I said * no* Glorfindel" He picks up a letter opener and stabs him in the chest. "This is the exact same reason you lost your part" he tells the gurgling elf
* * *
Elrond "Gandalf I said no, why can't people understand! I don't have those kind of feelings for you!" "Well if I can't have you no one can"
He turns him into a ham and cheese sandwich.
~Council of Elrond~
At the council of Elrond, Leggie jumps up and claims Aragorn is Isildeur's heir
"This is Isildeur's heir?" Boromir asks incredulously. He promptly unsheathes his sword and runs Aragorn though.
"What, he was Isildeur's heir. The bastard stole the ring!" he says to the council. Legolas, angry that his next line was interrupted, stabs Boromir in the back with one of his knives.
* * *
Elrond, far from amused that the hobbits crash the secret council, has them executed for espionage rather than letting them join the fellowship.
* * *
At the council of Elrond one of those animated (yeah right) elders of Gondor falls stiffly forward onto the ground in the middle of Elrond's speech. Boromir sets him up again on the chair while the rest of the council looks on.
"Oh don't worry about him" Boromir says in response to the stares "They aren't real..they're stuffed." He knocks one on the head for effect. "I just brought them so it would look like I was a big shot you know..with like followers?"
Elrond: "Well now you mention it Figwit here is fake too" He knocks the elf over the head, "See?" Figwit starts to object but Elrond hauls him over his shoulder To prove his point Elrond throws the elf off the cliff. Random other elf: "Actually, that one was real, it's this one that is fake" he says pointing beside him "Oh" says Elrond. Gurgling can be heard from the bottom of the cliff............then all is silent.
* * *
When Legolas gets up to speak he trips on his poncho and hits his head on the pedestal holding the ring.
* * *
Gimli hits the ring with his axe, which shatters, a piece lodges into Gimli's brain and he falls down dead, Elrond sweeps him behind a bush and continues the meeting.
* * *
Legolas brings his bow to the council of Elrond, playing with while Elrond delivers his speech. He accidentally kills two random elves, and Sam, who was hiding in the bushes. As an arrow lands in Elrond's chair just between his legs, he orders Legolas be carried away to the dungeons. Figwit looks on reprovingly.
* * *
Figwit, upset by all the arguing in the council kills everyone and then pawns off the ring.
~Rivendell~
When Bilbo makes a lunge for the ring he impales himself on Sting which Frodo is still holding.
~Hollen? Is this where this is supposed to be, the rocks where they spot the Crebain in any case~
When the hobbits are mock fighting with Boromir and the man accidentally hurts Pippin "Sorry" But apologies are no use and both hobbits fall on him... stabbing him to death.
~ Caradhras ~
Boromir puts down Merry and Pippin and they sink through the snow and out the other side of the ledge they are on. "You morooooooooooooonn" can be heard on the wind as they fall to their respective dooms.
* * *
Boromir Pushes Aragorn off the mountain "King indeed!" he says while dusting his hands off.
* * *
Legolas after his "there is a fell voice on the air" is blown away by a gust of wind. "Remind me to anchor the elf next time" Aragorn shouts to Gandalf
* * *
Still on Caradhras , Aragorn and Boromir get into the hobbit's 'weed' They soon begin to see poka doted twister playing ring wraiths and jump off a cliff.
* * * As they are returning down Caradhras Legolas gives Gimli a little shove. Gimli starts rolling down the hill and is soon a large white ball of snow "Oh, am I bad?"
~Outside Moria~
The watcher in the water at the gates of Moria eats Bill unnoticed by the rest of the fellowship
* * *
Aragorn, encouraged by multitudes of slashfic decides to try his luck with Legolas. The next day his body is found with three arrows sticking out of his chest.
............
Ok now lets recount the number of times we have killed members of the fellowship and their significant others.
Elrond: 1, Frodo: 1, Gandalf: 2, Pippin: 2, Sam: 3, Arwen: 3, Aragorn: 4, Boromir: 5, Glorfindel: 1, Merry: 1, Figwit: 1, Legolas:1, Gimli: 2, Bilbo: 1, Bill: 1, Random elves: 2, Everyone at the Council of Elrond with the exception of Figwit: 1
Ok so the winner so far is....drum roll please...Boromir, poor little Boromir, death seems to like him too much.....
I'm planning to get some serious elf chick killing done in the next chapter, if I write one. Cause those birds really got up my nose.