Xander Harris – Carpenter Extraordinaire

Author – mahaliem

Rating – R

Summary – Xander takes on a case to save a girl. Set sometime in the future.

Disclaimer – Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon, Fox, and Mutant Enemy Productions. 

The most astounding blueprint for destruction of an individual, I believe, is the ruination of Job.  God had his livestock stolen or burned, smote Job's home, killed his children, even slew all the servants.  But the Lord did this not in vengeance, but in response to a challenge from Satan, as a test of Job's faith.  In my opinion, herein lies the true difference between good and evil.  Evil usually has a decent reason for causing misery. (D'Hoffryn, Lord of Arashmahar)

                                                                        - Good v. Evil – A Territorial Dispute?

                                                                                    by A. L. Harris

Part 2

There she was – Diana, goddess of the hunt, holding sway over the world, just as Dru had said.  Of course, it was really just a plaster relief of the goddess fixed to the large wall that housed the Diana World Spa and Fitness Center.  This must have been where Dru had heard the call of the vampire charmers. 

I'd gone home the night before, done my nightly check of the barriers around my house and my weapons, and then planned out how I was going to proceed on this case.  The first item on the agenda was to figure out who these vampire charmers were.  My starting point was the spa. 

That night, I had another dream, nightmare, memory.  I was back in Sunnydale.  I knew my friends needed me.  I could hear them…hear them shouting my name, screaming my name, and then just screaming.  When I woke up, I realized that the screaming was coming from me.  It'd been a couple of months since I'd had one this bad.  This case, with Lara reminding me so much of Willow, was getting to me.   

Now as I stood outside the spa, I mentally geared myself for the prospect of having to prowl around, looking for clues in the presence of fit, sweaty women in spandex.  Yeah, my life is tough. 

The perky blonde receptionist took one look at me with my gym bag in hand, and visibly gulped.  Thanks to anti-discrimination laws, she couldn't tell me that this was a women's-only establishment.  So, she did what receptionists do all across the country when there's a situation they really don't feel like handling.  She called someone else to take care of it. 

The woman who entered a few minutes later was an Amazon.  I mean, really.  When I looked at her, I had flashbacks to childhood hours spent watching reruns of Lynda Carter in her sexy boots and gold bracelets.  The spa manager towered over me, and when she shook my hand, introducing herself as Alice Thomas, her grip was as firm as mine.  Maybe firmer.  As a precaution, I told her my name was Alex, and left off the Harris part.

As we toured the facility, Alice graciously pointed out the various perks of the establishment, child-care, women's health, and nutrition workshops, etc. I could tell she was trying to discourage me without actually saying anything that could prompt a lawsuit.  It wasn't until after I'd spent five minutes listening to the various programs they had for post-menopausal women that she finally gave in and asked me why I was there.

"Alex, I really don't know if our establishment will suit you.  Perhaps you could tell me why you sought us out."

"Can't a guy just want to tone up?"

"Um…certainly.  But why us in particular?"

"Well, I went by a couple of other places first.  Stan's Workout Gym, Moe and Joe's Hardbody Shop, and you know who were there?"

Alice smiled, a bit curious as to what I would say.

"People exercising?"

"Not people…guys.  Big, hulky, sweaty guys who somehow remain unaware of

the thousands of brands of deodorant that exist.  Then, I pass this place, and just went 'whoa'.  And I see women coming in here.  Old, young, all shapes and sizes.  Now, tell me Miss Thomas, if you were a guy, would you want to be where there are men or ladies?"

Her smile was almost gone now, and I could see her thinking, Here's another skeezy guy who just wants to hit on my customers, but she just nodded politely. 

"I see.  Good point," Alice said, through tight lips.

We were done with our tour and had returned to reception, and I still hadn't found out anything.  Reaching behind the desk, Alice pulled out a brochure for the Diana World Spa and handed it to me, along with a calendar listing all of the events for the next two months.  As she turned to go, I stopped her.

"Excuse me.  Don't you have any free guest passes?  You know, so I can try it out a few times before I make a decision?"

With a slight sigh, Alice reached back once more, and found two bright pink slips that she handed to me.  I had to admire her self-control.  The urge to stomp me like a bug must have been strong. 

It was only after I was back at my workshop and looking over the calendar she'd handed me, that I realized I had my next lead.  It seems that tonight there was a meeting scheduled at the gym that I should probably check out.  The group was called 'The Erinys'.

I've never been that bright.  I didn't go to college and really never had much of a desire to better myself intellectually.  Never thought I needed all that book learning.  However, years spent around Giles and Willow had rubbed off.  Erinys were not a pro-Ireland group like I might have once thought, but were mythological creatures.  Creatures that had come into being for the purpose of punishing the wicked.  How that tied into vampire charmers, I wasn't sure.  But I was going to find out. 

- - - - - - - -

I went back that evening.  The after-work crowd had already sweated off the day's calories, packed up their gear, and left.  The only ones who remained were the endorphin junkies, the women filing into the meeting room, and me.  No, I didn't stick out like a sore thumb.  That would've been an understatement.  A thumb that was bruised purple and swollen to twice its size was more like it.

I'd been pedaling to nowhere on an exercise bike, when I saw a middle-aged woman, still dressed in a suit from work, and with a harried air, head for the Erinys gathering.  Noting the pile of papers she had in her hand, I hopped off the equipment and managed to bump into her, sending the papers flying.  I do clumsy male extremely well.  I got a quick look at the items scattered across the floor, and, as I bent to pick them up, an eerie symbol drawn on one of the papers caught my eye.  I quickly committed it to memory, then mumbling apologies and excuses, handed all of the sheets back to the now flustered woman. 

Twenty minutes later, after doing a few more non-existent miles on the bike, I watched the last of the participants file into the room and the door shut behind them.  I got off the machine and headed towards the meeting area.  I could hear voices coming from inside, but couldn't make out the words, so I moved closer, pretending to be toweling the sweat off of myself as I listened.  Damn.  Still couldn't hear. Carefully, I eased the door open a crack, and leaned forward.  I heard the words 'power', 'justice', and 'feathering', before a hand reached down between the doorknob and my body, and quickly yanked the door shut. 

Now, I might have made a little yelp, but I definitely did not scream like a girl when it happened.  Nervously, I turned to see Alice Thomas looking down at me. 

"Oh, good," I stammered.  "I was looking for someone to spot me while I do a bit of weight lifting."

Alice arched an eyebrow at me.  Most of the equipment was the weight resistance type, but in a mostly unused corner, stood a barbell, a rack of weight plates, and a power bench.  I was pleased to note that whoever had used the equipment last was exercising with much less weight than I usually lifted.  I added the necessary weights to the ends, then situated myself on the bench.  As I did repetitions, Alice stood behind me, her hands on the bar next to mine.   When I'd gotten to the point that my heart was pounding and sweat was pouring off, I stopped and started to sit up, but she halted me.

"Alex, you're barely breathing hard.  Why don't we get that heart of yours really pumping?"

I watched as she added a ten-pound plate to each side.  With the added twenty pounds, the sets were slower, and my arms trembled a bit as I finished.

"I'm really impressed.  Why don't we add a bit more?"

This time, Alice added only five pounds to each side, but my muscles burned as I moved the bar off of the rack.  I bent my elbows, lowering the bar with only a slight tremor of lost control, her hands on the bar, steadying the downward journey, but as I attempted to raise my arms, she began to press down.

"Now, Alex, why don't you tell me why you're here?"

"Um, because my Mom thought she was in love, and my Dad was drunk?"

She gave a bark of a laugh, but continued to press down.

"No, Alex.  Why are you here at the spa?"

"Because I was once overweight, and as God is my witness, I'll never be chubby again?"

"I think you can do better than that."

My arms were rapidly obtaining jello-like qualities.

"I'm here because I'm a scumbag who likes to check out women in leotards!" I shouted.

The pressure eased up, then, and with Alice's help, the bar was placed once more on the rack.  As I lay on the bench, trying to control the aftershocks going through my muscles, my torturer casually walked away.  Turning to glance at me, she tossed a towel my way. 

"Might I suggest that you do some cool down exercises, Mr. Harris?  We wouldn't want any injuries, now would we?"

It was only after I climbed back into my car to head for home that I realized she'd called me by my last name…a name I'd never told her.

 - - - - - - - -

The next morning, I put a few hours into my new carpentry project.  An indulgent grandmother had ordered a dresser for her young granddaughter.  It seems the little girl has a thing for cats…kittens to be exact.  The woman had given me a folder full of pictures that I was to etch into the wood.  Pictures of kittens playing with yarn, and sleeping on mats, kittens chasing butterflies, and smelling flowers.  The whole thing was the visual equivalent of sucking down a handful of Pixie Stix.  Because of the nature of the project, I'd insisted that she pay me ninety percent up front.  If she backed out at the last moment, there was no way this was ever going to sell. 

When it got to be closer to lunchtime, I closed up my shop, and headed for the college campus, swinging by a local Thai restaurant first for some quality takeout.  I'd just gotten to the door of the classroom as the last student exited the lecture hall.  The professor had her back to me as I entered, and if I hadn't known any better, I would've thought that slim figure belonged to a student.   Quietly walking down the steps, past all of the rows of desks, I approached my friend and former comrade in arms.

"Who's up for some lunch?"

Fred turned then, and eyed the large bag that contained spicy goodness, and me with my hopeful expression.

"Beware of carpenters bearing gifts," she sighed. 

"Can't fool me.  That's supposed to be Greeks."

"Yes, but to build a large wooden horse strong enough to bear the weight of a number of men hiding inside, it must have required the work of skilled carpenters."

For a moment, my mind turned to what the blueprints for the Trojan horse might have looked like, but I managed to shake that image from my head. 

"What do you want, Xander?" Fred asked as she gathered up her books, notes, and purse, and headed towards her office.

"I need some help.  I saw a symbol and I was wondering if you might know what it means.  And, since the last time I saw you, you told me not to ever bother you again if I cared to continue breathing, I thought some bribery might be in order."

She was unlocking her office door now, and I waved the bag back and forth next to her, letting the odors waft around her.  Fred looked at me, and gave a girlish laugh that belied the years that had passed us both by.  

"You are so evil.  Does your girlfriend know you're evil?"

"Believe me - she knows."

Walking into her office, I was glad to see that she was taking good care of the desk I'd made for her, years earlier.  After carefully placing the plastic bag on the blotter, I pulled out several containers of food, napkins, and utensils.  Then, from my back pocket, I brought out the rendition I'd drawn of the symbol I'd seen the night before at the spa, and handed it to her. 

She studied it as she munched on vegetarian pad Thai.  When I leaned over to look at it, with a plastic fork she indicated a set of swirls to the right.

"Now, that part means pain.  This section over here usually indicates death…and the part below it means hand."

"Oh...hand of painful death.  Sounds like fun."

Ignoring my pathetic stab at humor, she continued pointing to the drawing. 

"This is what I don't understand, though.  It means existing, but right next to it is this squiggle thing that usually means not existing."

"So, it is and it isn't?"

Fred gave a shrug of her thin shoulders, and started concentrating more on her food. 

"My guess is that it's a symbol for some sort of demon.  Of course, since there are only a couple of thousand possibilities, I don't know which one.  Where'd you find this, anyway?"

I gave her a short rundown of my recent activities.  She blinked rapidly when I got to the part about my conversation with Drusilla, but didn't comment.  One of these days, I'm going to erect a billboard that says "No longer suicidal!" so that all of my friends are reassured. 

A gleam in her eye appeared as I told her about spying on the Erinys meeting, and when I finished my entire tale, she spun in her chair and flicked on the computer.  Within minutes, she was goggling on the net.  I approached her chair to see that she had called up information about a certain Judge Feathering.  After scanning the screen, she turned to me.

"This is it!  It has to be."

She looked at my still puzzled face.

"Don't you ever read the papers, Xander?"

I shrugged.  The answer was 'not really'.  Except for the funnies, I didn't bother.

"Judge Feathering has come under a lot of fire recently.  It seems that a lot of divorces he's presided over in the last few years have overwhelmingly favored the husbands.  Husbands who tend to have business ties to Feathering and his friends."

"But I thought California was a community property state?"

"It is.  But, let's say that a man owns a small company when he gets married.  Afterwards, the wife and the husband work hard and soon the company grows into a corporation worth millions.  The man now divorces his wife, but since the company was property owned prior to the marriage, it's open to interpretation as to what share the wife deserves, if any."

"Oh."

"'Oh' is right," said Fred. "But there's more.  He also tends to award custody of any children to fathers, especially if the ex-wife is a career woman and the father has a sweet, young thing willing to play house." 

I looked over her shoulder at the computer screen. The newspaper report gave us facts about the Feathering's background and a brief synopsis of the allegations against him.  About midway through the article, the name of one of the complainants popped out at me – Alice Thomas. 

"So, let's put it all together.  These charmers, also known as 'the Erinys', are planning to call up a demon to get back at people, specifically this Judge Feathering.  I bet their ex-husbands aren't too far down the list, either."

"And with the demon doing the dirty work, they don't have to worry about being charged with murder," Fred added.  She paused, looking puzzled. "I don't know how they expect to cause a bloody crime spree without raising a few eyebrows, though."

"The only question I've got is…what do they want with Lara?"

"It takes a lot of power to control a demon…and the more powerful the demon, the more power it takes.  Maybe this one takes more power than they had." 

"So…Lara was recruited to provide more strength?"

Fred nodded.  I rubbed my hands over my face.  I definitely was not charging enough for this case. 

"Okay.  My job, then, is to kill an extremely powerful demon and rescue the girl."

Glancing over at Fred, I smiled.

"Care to join me on this one?"

"No way, Xander.  It's all yours."

tbc