Why There Can't Be A Lava Lamp In Middle Earth

Yes, the eternal 'but why can't there be a lava lamp in Middle Earth' question…

For starters, the time is completely wrong… unless Gandalf had invented the lava lamp without anybody noticing.

The location is very wrong too. Imagine a lava lamp in Middle Earth? Nah… I am having a mental image of Boromir discovering the lava lamp and smashing it into little pieces while screaming, 'it glows! It glows! Kill it! Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill it!'

The setting is definitely not right. Imagine this scene: Frodo was blinded by a brilliant white flash. When he opened his eyes, Bilbo was gone. He was shocked, and ran all the way back to Bag End, leaving 144 bewildered guests as they discussed Bilbo's strange disappearance.

Arriving back at his cousin's cosy little home, he was surprised to find Gandalf already there, puffing on a pipe and muttering to himself.

"Gandalf?" Frodo began.

"Ah! Frodo Baggins! The person I have been looking for! Bilbo is going on a little, ah, trip, and he has left everything to you… including the Mysterious Lava Lamp of Doom."

"The Mysterious Lava Lamp of Doom? I have heard of its evilness! It was on object treasured by the Dark Lord of Mordor! Twas only legend-"

"Legend or not, it is yours now. Keep it secret, keep it safe, you mustn't let anyone know about the Mysterious Lava Lamp of Doom, for it will bring you great danger…"

I don't know about you guys, but it sounds stupid to me.

Lava lamps cannot be used in Middle Earth, as there is no electricity. Even if there were electricity, Boromir would probably have tried to kill it like he did the lava lamp- 'It sparkles! It sparkles! Kill it! Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill it! Ki- ARGHHHHH!'- and get electrocuted.

If there really were lava lamps in Middle Earth, they would probably replace candles, just because they are so kick arse…

Aragorn kicked at the door to Frodo's resting chambers. "Frodo! (Kick) Open the (kick) door! I smell (kick) smoke from your (kick) room! Open the door!"

The door bursts open with one mighty kick from Aragorn's heavy boots. "Ring bearer!" He cried, unable to see through the smoke.

"I am fine, Strider. Tis only Smeagol. He is cooking me a rather plump rabbit."

"I am sorry to have disturbed you. The smoke… I had thought…"

"O, the smoke, you say? But Strider, my friend, you are forgetful. Lord Elrond had just replaced all candles with newly imported lava lamps from the West. They are quite pretty, and the cloths do not catch fire from them. Very useful."

… But then we were talking about how they couldn't be in M-E, so just pretend you didn't see that paragraph.

With the very logical arguments from the Time, Location and Setting department, I hope that you, my readers, understand why there could not be lava lamps in Middle Earth.

~End

Disclaimer: I don't own Middle Earth or anything associated, and I don't own the lava lamp either.

A/N: well I have to say that it was incredibly stupid, but incredibly fun to write. Expect more of my stupidity/insanity in my upcoming series, Why They Are Not.