Hi again, so here is a new chapter for thsoe who always wanted to know what
happened when Jesse and Susan seperated...
Thanks to Regina for being so lovely and kind! You are great, kid!
And to my special friend wuemsel that we all know and love, let's say it together: Obst rules! Thank you for your great Harveys, for being as freaky as me at some points and for loving scrubs! (Es geht hier einzig um die Inhalte! Äh...Themawechsel!) :-)
That was short, wasn't it? Please read, have fun and review! In that order! ;-)
So I've lately been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
If I could, yeah, I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To want you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well, I hope there's someone out there who
Could bring me back to you
...
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
...
I know now just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, I your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
...
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
The song "Wherever You Will Go" was published in 2002 by the band "The Calling" on their album "Camino Palmero"
About one year ago...
Vicky looked up from her magazine as the bell over the entrance ringed. Quickly she jumped from the counter of the small shop whereby she nearly pushed down the rack with the bubble gums. Only a quick move by both of her hands avoided that mishap, but now she could at least throw a look at her wristwatch, which she was used to wear on her right wrist, though she was right-handed. That uncomfortable position at least prevented her from looking at the face of the watch every two minutes when the hours were, as always, passing by slowly in the little grocer's shop in Venice. It was ten to eleven.
The young girl was curious to see who had entered, she loved watching people, but most of the costumers who came regularly she knew anyway. She rarely ever got to see a new face, but maybe she could at least have a little chat with the one who was now standing in the doorway, looking as though he didn't know what actually had lead him here and what he should do now.
Vicky smiled delightedly. Of course, she knew the man in Jeans and the blue cotton shirt. Those blue eyes, the blonde hair and the normally mischievious grin. He came over to her to the counter, the hands, as almost always in his pockets, but he had to use them as he grabbed some milk and chips from one of the shelves.
She took the things as he lay them down onto the counter, and scanned the prices. "Hi, Dr Travis, how are you?" she greeted, but one look at the young man's pale exhausted face made her wish she had never asked.
He grinned wearily. "I'm fine, thanks for asking...How are you?", he inquired. She, however, believed that he had only asked to be polite, not because he was really interested. She didn't have hard feelings about that. As long as he had come to buy in this shop on his way home, he had always been in a good mood, always laughing and joking.
'I am actually thinking that you are lying', she thought and was angry with herself because she didn't have the courage to say that. She was worried about him...why was he looking so sad?
"Don't I get an answer?", he asked and seemed to try to smile amusedly. He had obviously paid more attention to their trivial conversation than she had guessed.
"What?" she then was glad that she could still remember the question. "Uh, I'm ok. Lots of work, university, you know..."
He nodded. "Yeah, I really don't want to be a student once again..."
But from the way he said that she sensed that he wanted to be anything else more than himself at the moment.
The cash opened with an squealing sound. 'I need to grease it...' recalled Vicky. "That would be 1,98 $!"
Jesse reached for his wallett, paid and put back the change. Then he took his shoppings and turned around. Looking out of the window and seeing that water drops were already pelting against the pane, he grimaced and glanced at her. "I think, I'll have to swim to my car..."
"Shall I lend you an umbrella?" offered the young shop assistant.
But he shook his head. "No, thank you, Vicky..." And then he added a bit absent-mindedly: "It doesn't matter today anyway..." Then he waved a short 'bye' and left her wondering what he had wanted to tell her with that last remark.
Vicky watched him stepping out and pulling his jacket over his head, then he ran through the rain to his car. She waited until the car had disappeared in the night traffic again, then she sighed and turned her attention back to her magazine. But having read two lines, she let it sink again and glared at the door. "Oh great, doc, now I'm not only bored but also in a bad mood!"
Jesse drove along the traffic-stuck highway, watching the lights that were swimming somewhere out there in that big deluge. A curtain of water was surrounding him and not even the windscreen wiper was very successful at driving out the masses of water.
And also Jesse's brain was not very good at suppressing the events of the day. He really wanted it, he wanted his life to go on, but this was just too painful to be put away under the category: 'The show must go on!' Jesse laughed out sarcastically. 'The hugest failures of my life', that category would fit much better', he thought. Had it really been his mistake? Or hers? Or both? He didn't know it, right now he didn't know anything.
The car in front of him took his right of way, the second time that that was happening since he had been driving. But Jesse couldn't even be angry about that. He had practically been angry for the whole day.
That hadn't been one of their usual arguments which always started with banal things, a stupid remark or a stupid look at the wrong time.
Jesse sighed. How he had missed that today...How much he had wanted to shout, to yell things he would have regretted at the same time they had slipped out of his mouth. As Susan and he had always done it. Then apologising, hugging, kissing, the same procedure as usually.
That had been different. He hadn't said anything in rage...he hadn't talked much at all. Nothing he regretted. Everything he told her had been the truth from the deepest ground of his soul. And Susan had done the same, he believed. She had just said what she felt which was not much...at least not for him.
Again Jesse's view was becoming blurred, but not because of the rain this time. If he hadn't been only a few feet away from his parking space in front the apartment house, he would have stopped the car at the roadside only to cry.
Walking up the stairs Jesse removed the node on his tie and sighed relievedly when it was finally hanging loosely down his shoulders. All through his shift it had felt like a cord around his neck which was dragged tighter and tighter until it almost took him the air to breath. Jesse unlocked the door and entered his dark apartment.
The dim light from outside was only about enough to make the outlines of the furniture -the couch, the table, the kitchen counter- visible, but Jesse didn't want to switch the lamps on. He let the unopened mail be unopened mail, which he carelessly threw onto the living room table.
In the sheltering darkness of the kitchen the young doctor was looking through the shelves and drawers to find some Aspirin. When he had finally found it, he filled a glass with water and squeezed two pills out of the silver foil.
Looking at the small white tablets on the palm of his hand, Jesse wondered for a short moment what was preventing him from swallowing the remaining content of the drug package. But after all he was doctor, he had seen what happened to people who had wanted to commit suicide and he was sure that he didn't want that to happen to him. Thinking about those patients, Jesse was surprised how well he could remember them. Not all of their names, but their faces. Whatever had brought them to the point, where their lives didn't mean anything to them any more, it had been strong enough kill those people long before they had tried to kill themselves.
No, Jesse had never really thought about anything like that. For those people there hadn't been a way out, but for him, Jesse knew, there was. He had worked himself out of the misery again and again, so why bother and not do it another time. The world wouldn't stop turning only of such a small separating, such a worthless relationship being ended up. 'Only my world...', thought Jesse.
He shook his head, noticing that he -at his momentary state of mind- would go mad sooner or later. He swallowed the two Aspirin and let himself slump into the couch, sighing heavily.
He still could see her in front of him, he had sat right here, where he was now and she had stood towards him...
"At least tell me why!", Jesse insisted quietly. He looked up at his girlfriend, whose eyes were filled with tears like his.
"You know the reasons..." Susan tried to speak objective and without letting come too much emotion into her voice. That was the only way she could imagine, which allowed her to get through this more or less intact. She crossed her arms over her chest and watched her boyfriend. A much more calmer appereance than she had expected. Susan was again getting a look at the other side of Jesse Travis. Not the funny and charming clown, but a self-controlled and serious young man, who was putting up a small wall around himself, which seemed to be low when you just looked at it, but which grew constantly if you tried to climb over it. She had tried so many times, but not very successfully as she believed. "We don't want the same, Jess, we never wanted the same. Admit it finally, it's not going to work."
Jesse burried his head in his hands, pressed his fingers onto his closed eyes until he could see small green and red stars appearing in his self- made darkness. He knew what she was talking about and had to say, as painful as it maybe was, she was right. If they had ever had real relationship at all, then it had ended up being farce, a desperate attempt to save themselves from the loneliness or -and both hated to confess that- just to spare themselves exactly this last act they were both stuck in now.
"So, what do you want?" Finally he lifted his face at her. Susan had been afraid of that all the time, of the glance he was wearing in his eyes now, confusion, anger, maybe guilt. As much as Jesse tried to hide how hurt he felt, his eyes never could. She didn't guess that anyone was really able to hate him. She already cursed herself for starting it that way. And she cursed Robert for kissing her practically in front of his eyes in the hall. That tempestuous idiot! It had not been his right to make Jesse get that it was over and Susan was sorry for that. But now she couldn't go a step back, but had to pull it through.
"I want to go with Robert...", she answered and tried to sound convincedly.
The fact that he didn't seemed to be very surprised affected her ego more than she had believed. "Your last word?", he mumbled.
Susan felt as though the walls of the living room were coming towards her. "Yeah..." she nodded remorsefully.
Jesse got up. "Ok.." he said, not looking at her and grabbed his jacket.
"Where are you going?", she asked, nearly panicing.
"To work", he replied. He had almost reached the door when he turned around again. A tear was making its way down his cheek, only one single drop of salty water, which glossed in the fading daylight. He didn't even make an attempt to wipe it away. "I will be back around midnight..."
Susan got the hint that he didn't want to see her here then any more and couldn't even blame him for that. "I will be gone then..." she assured.
He grimaced and wondered if he had been a bit too rude. On the other hand she had let him understand very clearly what she thought of him and how much he still meant to her. Actually she and Robert had done a very good job. He had understood. There was no space for him any more. "Have a nice life..." he smiled forcedly and added devastedly: "I'm sorry..." Then he closed the door and though he felt like smashing it, he didn't for any reasons.
Susan watched the door, waiting for something that would never happen. His voice was still in the room, in her mind, remaining in the gaining silence. I'm sorry... "Me too..." muttered Susan. "Me too." Biting into her lip, she fetched her bag and started to pack her stuff. In that situation she had sensed that it wasn't a good idea to remind Jesse that his shift only started in two hours.
Jesse woke up on his couch where he had obviously slept for hours, though he would have sworn that it had been not more than ten minutes. But a glance at his watch told him that it was a quarter past two in the morning. The Aspirin had kicked in much better than he had expected. He got up and strechted. He was still in his working clothes, only the tie had fallen to the floor when Jesse had moved uncontrolledly in his dreamed flash-backs of the hours before.
He looked around in his living room and noticed something on the table, he had accidentally thrown the mail onto it. It was small sheet of paper, from the way it was folded Jesse assumed that it had once been a envelope. The message on it was hand-written, in nice, curved letters, very different to his. After years of working as a doctor Jesse had got used to the typical doctor-handwriting, small, scribbled letters, which were unreadable for anyone who didn't know his way of writing. That was definitely written by Susan:
Hey,
I dunno why I'm actually writing this, it won't make anything better anyway. I just wanted to say that I'm also sorry. Have a nice life.
That was it. Nothing else. Not even a signature. Not sure what he was hoping to find, Jesse turned the ex-envelope around. On the other site he could recognise a part of an address. 'Kingston Drive...Santa Cruze' or something like that. Susan had been at university there. Probably something related with school, that had once been sent in this envelope.
"I see how much I mean to you...", muttered Jesse bitterly and crumpled up the paper. An old school paper with a formal apologise that he wouldn't even have been willing to believe if had been spoken directly into his face.
Susan held her bag tightly pressed to her body, she was aware of the fact that waiting at a bus stop in Los Angeles at midnight was risky for a woman. But what kind of choice had she actually had? After all she could hardly have asked Jesse to drive her to the airport, though, as she noticed depressedly, she could imagine that he even would have offered that, if he had known that she was now standing here, lost somewhere in the dark night.
So here she was...wondering what would happen next and if she actually wanted to know. She had just ended up one of the best relationships she had ever had and also one of the most painful ones. It would never have worked, she just hadn't found what she had hoped to find. But did she knew what she was looking for? Did anyone know anyway? People always talked about their goals, about their dreams and about their hopes. About the ways they wanted their life to be. Did they really want it? Or was it just a strong addiction of the human kind to run forwards, not to stop and think what they were actually running for? They were running through their lives, sometimes head to head, sometimes together, supporting each other, but all with the same inrecognisable goal. They were running to be happy...or were they happy to be running?
Often they bumped into each other and decided if they would go on as friends, strangers or enemies. Susan wondered as what Jesse would remember her. As someone he had only "bumped" into, as someone he would hate or someone he would...love. She didn't know what she wanted him to see in her. But it also didn't matter any more. From now their collective path splitted...
Susan sighed relievedly as the bus finally made its way towards her. The bright lights were coming out of the blackness like eyes of a cat, wild, lurking, but cautious and curious at the same time.
The driver opened the door, casting her only one short unattentive glance as she got in. She sat down on one of the empty chairs at the window and stared out into the sad lights of the traffic that surrounded her, at tired faces between those lights, worn out and only reluctantly giving the concentration the traffic regulations demanded.
"What are you thinking about?", asked a voice which tore her out of her thoughts so quickly that she almost jumped. The bewilderedness and shock that here eyes reflected at first slowly settled in a still anxious, but much more angrier look.
"What are you doing here?", she asked back, separating as far as she was able to from the other person by pressing her own body against the window.
The tall man, though not having been invited, sank onto the seat next to hers. "Came to see you...", he replied with provoking casualness.
"Go away!", she said and hissed addingly, "And never come back!"
He held up his hands and grinned calmingly, which only made her angrier. "Hey, hey, Susan! I have gone on a hell of a long journey only to see you and the you tell me to fuck off? Oh no, dear, maybe Travis is the kind of guy you can treat that way, but not me!"
At the mention of Jesse's -if only- family name, Susan winced. Though, the rage was still getting the better part of her. "What's your point, Danny? I don't need to listen to you! I don't need to explain my relationships to you. That's all not your business, it never was, though you never got that! So what do you want?"
He ran his hand over his face and shook his head in both disbelief and slight amusement. "I'm sorry, Susan, I didn't want it to turn it out that way. I came here to talk to you. And to ask you to come with me..."
"What?!", she cried out, blushing a little as she saw the three other people in the bus turning around and staring at her. Then she snorted. "If you weren't such a big jackass, one should actually admire you for naivety!"
Danny sighed heavily and stretched in his chair. "Oh yeah..." he mumbled, noticing gleefully how his false wisdom made her clench her fingers. Then he stared at her piercingly. "Seems as though Travis and I have a lot in common. We were both cheated by the woman we once loved..."
Susan got red with anger. As much her feelings had been mixed up before, now she felt only hatred for the man who was sitting beside her. "Jesse and you certainly don't have anything in common. He has still got a heart beating in his chest. What's in yours... a stone?" Now she noticed in a near distance the building of the Los Angeles airport.
He just laughed. "You have a way in hurting people, you know!", he stated, knowing very well how much these words themselves would hurt. Then, with a sudden change of his mood from sarcastic calmness to a seemingly uncontrollable nervosity, he grabbed her wrist. "You can't just leave me, not this time!"
"Stop that or I'm gonna scream!", she whispered threateningly.
He shook his head. "No, you wouldn't do that! You wouldn't let arrest me!"
She glared harshly at him. "Why not? I did it once, what's gonna obstruct me?" Knowing that she had hit her goal precisely, she felt how the grip around her wrist loosened.
She grabbed her bag and went to the bus door, aware that Danny was watching her. When the doors opened, she slid out into the night, feeling finally secure as she was submerged in the crowd of people who were entering and leaving the airport.
Rob was waiting in the departure lounge, ready for the check-in, glancing at his watch restlessly the more time passed by. Then he spotted her coming towards him, smiling and almost running. He went over to her and took her bag, kissing her gently. "You ok, hon?", he asked worriedly as he looked into her clear blue eyes, which were still swollen, from crying as he supposed.
She nodded wearily. "Yeah, I'm ok. Just lots of things to think about..."
"The flight number 234 to New York City departures in twenty minutes. Please go on board now!" commanded a static loudspeeker voice.
The people who had been sitting until then rose to their feet. Rob rubbed Susans back softly. "Ready to go?"
She hesitated for a few seconds, then took a deep breath and nodded again.
"Then let's go!" he encouraged her and when he saw her confused look he added:" All that is history now..." He pointed into the direction of the gate. "There is the future...Our future!"
Thanks to Regina for being so lovely and kind! You are great, kid!
And to my special friend wuemsel that we all know and love, let's say it together: Obst rules! Thank you for your great Harveys, for being as freaky as me at some points and for loving scrubs! (Es geht hier einzig um die Inhalte! Äh...Themawechsel!) :-)
That was short, wasn't it? Please read, have fun and review! In that order! ;-)
So I've lately been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
If I could, yeah, I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To want you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well, I hope there's someone out there who
Could bring me back to you
...
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
...
I know now just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, I your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
...
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
The song "Wherever You Will Go" was published in 2002 by the band "The Calling" on their album "Camino Palmero"
About one year ago...
Vicky looked up from her magazine as the bell over the entrance ringed. Quickly she jumped from the counter of the small shop whereby she nearly pushed down the rack with the bubble gums. Only a quick move by both of her hands avoided that mishap, but now she could at least throw a look at her wristwatch, which she was used to wear on her right wrist, though she was right-handed. That uncomfortable position at least prevented her from looking at the face of the watch every two minutes when the hours were, as always, passing by slowly in the little grocer's shop in Venice. It was ten to eleven.
The young girl was curious to see who had entered, she loved watching people, but most of the costumers who came regularly she knew anyway. She rarely ever got to see a new face, but maybe she could at least have a little chat with the one who was now standing in the doorway, looking as though he didn't know what actually had lead him here and what he should do now.
Vicky smiled delightedly. Of course, she knew the man in Jeans and the blue cotton shirt. Those blue eyes, the blonde hair and the normally mischievious grin. He came over to her to the counter, the hands, as almost always in his pockets, but he had to use them as he grabbed some milk and chips from one of the shelves.
She took the things as he lay them down onto the counter, and scanned the prices. "Hi, Dr Travis, how are you?" she greeted, but one look at the young man's pale exhausted face made her wish she had never asked.
He grinned wearily. "I'm fine, thanks for asking...How are you?", he inquired. She, however, believed that he had only asked to be polite, not because he was really interested. She didn't have hard feelings about that. As long as he had come to buy in this shop on his way home, he had always been in a good mood, always laughing and joking.
'I am actually thinking that you are lying', she thought and was angry with herself because she didn't have the courage to say that. She was worried about him...why was he looking so sad?
"Don't I get an answer?", he asked and seemed to try to smile amusedly. He had obviously paid more attention to their trivial conversation than she had guessed.
"What?" she then was glad that she could still remember the question. "Uh, I'm ok. Lots of work, university, you know..."
He nodded. "Yeah, I really don't want to be a student once again..."
But from the way he said that she sensed that he wanted to be anything else more than himself at the moment.
The cash opened with an squealing sound. 'I need to grease it...' recalled Vicky. "That would be 1,98 $!"
Jesse reached for his wallett, paid and put back the change. Then he took his shoppings and turned around. Looking out of the window and seeing that water drops were already pelting against the pane, he grimaced and glanced at her. "I think, I'll have to swim to my car..."
"Shall I lend you an umbrella?" offered the young shop assistant.
But he shook his head. "No, thank you, Vicky..." And then he added a bit absent-mindedly: "It doesn't matter today anyway..." Then he waved a short 'bye' and left her wondering what he had wanted to tell her with that last remark.
Vicky watched him stepping out and pulling his jacket over his head, then he ran through the rain to his car. She waited until the car had disappeared in the night traffic again, then she sighed and turned her attention back to her magazine. But having read two lines, she let it sink again and glared at the door. "Oh great, doc, now I'm not only bored but also in a bad mood!"
Jesse drove along the traffic-stuck highway, watching the lights that were swimming somewhere out there in that big deluge. A curtain of water was surrounding him and not even the windscreen wiper was very successful at driving out the masses of water.
And also Jesse's brain was not very good at suppressing the events of the day. He really wanted it, he wanted his life to go on, but this was just too painful to be put away under the category: 'The show must go on!' Jesse laughed out sarcastically. 'The hugest failures of my life', that category would fit much better', he thought. Had it really been his mistake? Or hers? Or both? He didn't know it, right now he didn't know anything.
The car in front of him took his right of way, the second time that that was happening since he had been driving. But Jesse couldn't even be angry about that. He had practically been angry for the whole day.
That hadn't been one of their usual arguments which always started with banal things, a stupid remark or a stupid look at the wrong time.
Jesse sighed. How he had missed that today...How much he had wanted to shout, to yell things he would have regretted at the same time they had slipped out of his mouth. As Susan and he had always done it. Then apologising, hugging, kissing, the same procedure as usually.
That had been different. He hadn't said anything in rage...he hadn't talked much at all. Nothing he regretted. Everything he told her had been the truth from the deepest ground of his soul. And Susan had done the same, he believed. She had just said what she felt which was not much...at least not for him.
Again Jesse's view was becoming blurred, but not because of the rain this time. If he hadn't been only a few feet away from his parking space in front the apartment house, he would have stopped the car at the roadside only to cry.
Walking up the stairs Jesse removed the node on his tie and sighed relievedly when it was finally hanging loosely down his shoulders. All through his shift it had felt like a cord around his neck which was dragged tighter and tighter until it almost took him the air to breath. Jesse unlocked the door and entered his dark apartment.
The dim light from outside was only about enough to make the outlines of the furniture -the couch, the table, the kitchen counter- visible, but Jesse didn't want to switch the lamps on. He let the unopened mail be unopened mail, which he carelessly threw onto the living room table.
In the sheltering darkness of the kitchen the young doctor was looking through the shelves and drawers to find some Aspirin. When he had finally found it, he filled a glass with water and squeezed two pills out of the silver foil.
Looking at the small white tablets on the palm of his hand, Jesse wondered for a short moment what was preventing him from swallowing the remaining content of the drug package. But after all he was doctor, he had seen what happened to people who had wanted to commit suicide and he was sure that he didn't want that to happen to him. Thinking about those patients, Jesse was surprised how well he could remember them. Not all of their names, but their faces. Whatever had brought them to the point, where their lives didn't mean anything to them any more, it had been strong enough kill those people long before they had tried to kill themselves.
No, Jesse had never really thought about anything like that. For those people there hadn't been a way out, but for him, Jesse knew, there was. He had worked himself out of the misery again and again, so why bother and not do it another time. The world wouldn't stop turning only of such a small separating, such a worthless relationship being ended up. 'Only my world...', thought Jesse.
He shook his head, noticing that he -at his momentary state of mind- would go mad sooner or later. He swallowed the two Aspirin and let himself slump into the couch, sighing heavily.
He still could see her in front of him, he had sat right here, where he was now and she had stood towards him...
"At least tell me why!", Jesse insisted quietly. He looked up at his girlfriend, whose eyes were filled with tears like his.
"You know the reasons..." Susan tried to speak objective and without letting come too much emotion into her voice. That was the only way she could imagine, which allowed her to get through this more or less intact. She crossed her arms over her chest and watched her boyfriend. A much more calmer appereance than she had expected. Susan was again getting a look at the other side of Jesse Travis. Not the funny and charming clown, but a self-controlled and serious young man, who was putting up a small wall around himself, which seemed to be low when you just looked at it, but which grew constantly if you tried to climb over it. She had tried so many times, but not very successfully as she believed. "We don't want the same, Jess, we never wanted the same. Admit it finally, it's not going to work."
Jesse burried his head in his hands, pressed his fingers onto his closed eyes until he could see small green and red stars appearing in his self- made darkness. He knew what she was talking about and had to say, as painful as it maybe was, she was right. If they had ever had real relationship at all, then it had ended up being farce, a desperate attempt to save themselves from the loneliness or -and both hated to confess that- just to spare themselves exactly this last act they were both stuck in now.
"So, what do you want?" Finally he lifted his face at her. Susan had been afraid of that all the time, of the glance he was wearing in his eyes now, confusion, anger, maybe guilt. As much as Jesse tried to hide how hurt he felt, his eyes never could. She didn't guess that anyone was really able to hate him. She already cursed herself for starting it that way. And she cursed Robert for kissing her practically in front of his eyes in the hall. That tempestuous idiot! It had not been his right to make Jesse get that it was over and Susan was sorry for that. But now she couldn't go a step back, but had to pull it through.
"I want to go with Robert...", she answered and tried to sound convincedly.
The fact that he didn't seemed to be very surprised affected her ego more than she had believed. "Your last word?", he mumbled.
Susan felt as though the walls of the living room were coming towards her. "Yeah..." she nodded remorsefully.
Jesse got up. "Ok.." he said, not looking at her and grabbed his jacket.
"Where are you going?", she asked, nearly panicing.
"To work", he replied. He had almost reached the door when he turned around again. A tear was making its way down his cheek, only one single drop of salty water, which glossed in the fading daylight. He didn't even make an attempt to wipe it away. "I will be back around midnight..."
Susan got the hint that he didn't want to see her here then any more and couldn't even blame him for that. "I will be gone then..." she assured.
He grimaced and wondered if he had been a bit too rude. On the other hand she had let him understand very clearly what she thought of him and how much he still meant to her. Actually she and Robert had done a very good job. He had understood. There was no space for him any more. "Have a nice life..." he smiled forcedly and added devastedly: "I'm sorry..." Then he closed the door and though he felt like smashing it, he didn't for any reasons.
Susan watched the door, waiting for something that would never happen. His voice was still in the room, in her mind, remaining in the gaining silence. I'm sorry... "Me too..." muttered Susan. "Me too." Biting into her lip, she fetched her bag and started to pack her stuff. In that situation she had sensed that it wasn't a good idea to remind Jesse that his shift only started in two hours.
Jesse woke up on his couch where he had obviously slept for hours, though he would have sworn that it had been not more than ten minutes. But a glance at his watch told him that it was a quarter past two in the morning. The Aspirin had kicked in much better than he had expected. He got up and strechted. He was still in his working clothes, only the tie had fallen to the floor when Jesse had moved uncontrolledly in his dreamed flash-backs of the hours before.
He looked around in his living room and noticed something on the table, he had accidentally thrown the mail onto it. It was small sheet of paper, from the way it was folded Jesse assumed that it had once been a envelope. The message on it was hand-written, in nice, curved letters, very different to his. After years of working as a doctor Jesse had got used to the typical doctor-handwriting, small, scribbled letters, which were unreadable for anyone who didn't know his way of writing. That was definitely written by Susan:
Hey,
I dunno why I'm actually writing this, it won't make anything better anyway. I just wanted to say that I'm also sorry. Have a nice life.
That was it. Nothing else. Not even a signature. Not sure what he was hoping to find, Jesse turned the ex-envelope around. On the other site he could recognise a part of an address. 'Kingston Drive...Santa Cruze' or something like that. Susan had been at university there. Probably something related with school, that had once been sent in this envelope.
"I see how much I mean to you...", muttered Jesse bitterly and crumpled up the paper. An old school paper with a formal apologise that he wouldn't even have been willing to believe if had been spoken directly into his face.
Susan held her bag tightly pressed to her body, she was aware of the fact that waiting at a bus stop in Los Angeles at midnight was risky for a woman. But what kind of choice had she actually had? After all she could hardly have asked Jesse to drive her to the airport, though, as she noticed depressedly, she could imagine that he even would have offered that, if he had known that she was now standing here, lost somewhere in the dark night.
So here she was...wondering what would happen next and if she actually wanted to know. She had just ended up one of the best relationships she had ever had and also one of the most painful ones. It would never have worked, she just hadn't found what she had hoped to find. But did she knew what she was looking for? Did anyone know anyway? People always talked about their goals, about their dreams and about their hopes. About the ways they wanted their life to be. Did they really want it? Or was it just a strong addiction of the human kind to run forwards, not to stop and think what they were actually running for? They were running through their lives, sometimes head to head, sometimes together, supporting each other, but all with the same inrecognisable goal. They were running to be happy...or were they happy to be running?
Often they bumped into each other and decided if they would go on as friends, strangers or enemies. Susan wondered as what Jesse would remember her. As someone he had only "bumped" into, as someone he would hate or someone he would...love. She didn't know what she wanted him to see in her. But it also didn't matter any more. From now their collective path splitted...
Susan sighed relievedly as the bus finally made its way towards her. The bright lights were coming out of the blackness like eyes of a cat, wild, lurking, but cautious and curious at the same time.
The driver opened the door, casting her only one short unattentive glance as she got in. She sat down on one of the empty chairs at the window and stared out into the sad lights of the traffic that surrounded her, at tired faces between those lights, worn out and only reluctantly giving the concentration the traffic regulations demanded.
"What are you thinking about?", asked a voice which tore her out of her thoughts so quickly that she almost jumped. The bewilderedness and shock that here eyes reflected at first slowly settled in a still anxious, but much more angrier look.
"What are you doing here?", she asked back, separating as far as she was able to from the other person by pressing her own body against the window.
The tall man, though not having been invited, sank onto the seat next to hers. "Came to see you...", he replied with provoking casualness.
"Go away!", she said and hissed addingly, "And never come back!"
He held up his hands and grinned calmingly, which only made her angrier. "Hey, hey, Susan! I have gone on a hell of a long journey only to see you and the you tell me to fuck off? Oh no, dear, maybe Travis is the kind of guy you can treat that way, but not me!"
At the mention of Jesse's -if only- family name, Susan winced. Though, the rage was still getting the better part of her. "What's your point, Danny? I don't need to listen to you! I don't need to explain my relationships to you. That's all not your business, it never was, though you never got that! So what do you want?"
He ran his hand over his face and shook his head in both disbelief and slight amusement. "I'm sorry, Susan, I didn't want it to turn it out that way. I came here to talk to you. And to ask you to come with me..."
"What?!", she cried out, blushing a little as she saw the three other people in the bus turning around and staring at her. Then she snorted. "If you weren't such a big jackass, one should actually admire you for naivety!"
Danny sighed heavily and stretched in his chair. "Oh yeah..." he mumbled, noticing gleefully how his false wisdom made her clench her fingers. Then he stared at her piercingly. "Seems as though Travis and I have a lot in common. We were both cheated by the woman we once loved..."
Susan got red with anger. As much her feelings had been mixed up before, now she felt only hatred for the man who was sitting beside her. "Jesse and you certainly don't have anything in common. He has still got a heart beating in his chest. What's in yours... a stone?" Now she noticed in a near distance the building of the Los Angeles airport.
He just laughed. "You have a way in hurting people, you know!", he stated, knowing very well how much these words themselves would hurt. Then, with a sudden change of his mood from sarcastic calmness to a seemingly uncontrollable nervosity, he grabbed her wrist. "You can't just leave me, not this time!"
"Stop that or I'm gonna scream!", she whispered threateningly.
He shook his head. "No, you wouldn't do that! You wouldn't let arrest me!"
She glared harshly at him. "Why not? I did it once, what's gonna obstruct me?" Knowing that she had hit her goal precisely, she felt how the grip around her wrist loosened.
She grabbed her bag and went to the bus door, aware that Danny was watching her. When the doors opened, she slid out into the night, feeling finally secure as she was submerged in the crowd of people who were entering and leaving the airport.
Rob was waiting in the departure lounge, ready for the check-in, glancing at his watch restlessly the more time passed by. Then he spotted her coming towards him, smiling and almost running. He went over to her and took her bag, kissing her gently. "You ok, hon?", he asked worriedly as he looked into her clear blue eyes, which were still swollen, from crying as he supposed.
She nodded wearily. "Yeah, I'm ok. Just lots of things to think about..."
"The flight number 234 to New York City departures in twenty minutes. Please go on board now!" commanded a static loudspeeker voice.
The people who had been sitting until then rose to their feet. Rob rubbed Susans back softly. "Ready to go?"
She hesitated for a few seconds, then took a deep breath and nodded again.
"Then let's go!" he encouraged her and when he saw her confused look he added:" All that is history now..." He pointed into the direction of the gate. "There is the future...Our future!"